Butterfly Angel Memorial Art

I have been thinking of creating this memorial art for months and finally had a spare moment to do a couple. I have created a listing in my Etsy shop for those who may be interested: https://www.etsy.com/listing/104713750/memorial-butterfly-angel-fully-custom 

 There are 6 butterfly wing colors and the "angel" can be painted in any way you like :) Name and/or date can be added also :) 

WHAT DO YOU THINK????

Right where I am 2012: 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, etc....

Angie at Still Life with Circles started started a project called  Right Where I Am - where babyloss parents can share about their grief journey at this point in that walk... it's beautiful and I thank her for creating it so that I may be a part of it and read of others who participate as well. This is my post from last year.

2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks (since we lost Riley)
1 year, 9 months, 5 days (since we lost Peyton)
7 months, 1 week, 3 days (since we lost Cameron)

My grief journey has changed since my post a year ago for this project. In a way I grieve more, but certainly differently. My rainbow baby, Logan Charles, was born on April 29, 2012. He is a pure blessing and a miracle! I will never be able to explain in words how much he means to me. The pregnancy was originally twins but sadly as you can see from above we lost Cameron (somewhere between 10-14 weeks into the pregnancy). That is where my grief journey really took a turn because I was devastated that day beyond words. I had felt like we were being doubly blessed after losing our first two children. That twins were a sign that all would be well, etc. At 7 weeks along when we saw both heartbeats I truly thought all would continue to be well throughout the pregnancy. 7 weeks later that all just crashed and burned. When they did the ultrasound I did not see two babies like I should have.... I knew something was wrong. The tech showed us little baby b (Cameron) who was only now measuring 7 weeks even at the 14 week appt. and of course had no heartbeat. Baby b (Cameron) was gone. My husband and I were bawling at this point and I just needed to know how the other baby was doing. After what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was only seconds I'm sure) she showed us Logan's heartbeat. She went on to tell us he was measuring well and looked perfectly healthy.

That day was quite the turn in my journey. My husband was very upset and couldn't understand why I wasn't MORE upset than I was. I had cried quite a bit of course but I KNEW that I had to keep it together and to not over stress my body and cause harm to my sweet baby a (Logan). I distinctly remember feeling badly that I was not grieving Cameron in the same way that I had grieved Riley and Peyton. Did this make me a bad mom? But I soon realized of course it didn't.... my instinct took over and I KNEW that I had to handle this grief in a different manner, I am a VERY emotional person and I knew it could cause harm to my pregnancy if I was to get too upset over the loss of Cameron. My husband understood this in the end of course and throughout the pregnancy we were terrified that something bad was going to happen. Ultrasounds will ALWAYS be a scary thing for us because other than literally TWO ultrasounds (both with my last pregnancy after losing Cameron) there has always been a loss.... my husband hates ultrasounds and they terrify me as well. We feel we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't want to blabber on as I did last year (I make no promises but I don't WANT to blabber lol)....


A month before finding out I was pregnant last year I lost my Nana. She was an extremely important person in my life and always will be. I am happy that she is watching my babies in Heaven but as with all losses I selfishly wish she were here to hold and love Logan. My Papa is visiting on Saturday and when mentioning that to my husband I said " Nana and Papa....." and I just started crying..... I still feel like she's here sometimes and I cry as I write this because the loss (as with my babies) just seems like it will always be so new, so fresh, so unbearably raw. Other than my babies she is the greatest loss I have ever dealt with... throughout my pregnancy I would have dreams of her and just cry when I woke up knowing she wouldn't be here to meet Logan. I think I may always cry when I think of her and my babies.... and that's okay...

I am an emotional person... always have been, always will be and that is something I will never apologize for... I am not ashamed of it is any way. I know your body is weighed down with hormones during and after pregnancy but I think Logan has just brought on a whole wealth of new emotions to me. I am a mommy. I have been for two years but now I am a mommy to the WORLD. They can see that. I had my first Mother's Day where I was acknowledged as a mother. Having a living child in my life has, in a way, made my grief more acute. Looking at him makes me realize how precious and perfect my little ones in Heaven must be, makes me realize all that I lost. Makes it more real in a way, though I can't really explain what I mean by that. I cry more often then I used to. Not the baby blues or anything like that. Sometimes I cry happy tears because I feel soooo blessed to just have a baby to love and snuggle and hold in my arms... just looking at him can make me cry tears of joy. Other times I cry because I don't want people to think that he healed my heart completely and that Riley, Peyton, and Cameron are not important to me.... they ALWAYS will be. Sometimes I cry because, well, I'm an overwhelmed and tired mommy (as I'm sure all moms do at times). Basically at this point (we'll see if the hormones are to blame in time) I cry more for my losses, for the gift and blessing of my rainbow baby, for my Nana..... I will not apologize. I am a babyloss mommy and a rainbow mommy. I love all my children equally even though I can't love them all here on Earth in my arms...

Bless you all for reading this... I pray that your journey of grief be as peaceful as possible....

My tattoo for my babies...I sadly have to add Cameron to it still...

Riley, Peyton, Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you so very much. We will tell your brother all about you! Watch over him and send us peace, love, and many hugs and kisses every day. Give Nana a big hug for mommy. We love you all dearly...

www.heavensdoves.blogspot.com

The past couple weeks....

Logan's birth announcement - I made it myself!!! :)

When "they" say a baby changes everything, "they" aren't kidding! Now I have no idea who THEY are - but you get where I'm coming from....everyone always says get your sleep cause you'll never sleep in again! Go out and have fun, because that's all about to end. Enjoy some movies now because it will be all cartoons soon. Blah blah blah so on and so forth. You get the gist.....

First off I don't see how getting plenty of sleep before I had Logan helps me now that he's here...it doesn't that's dumb advice LOL... Secondly, I find it VERY hard to believe that we will never be able to go out and have fun again - sure we'll miss our son but I think it's important to a marriage for the husband and wife to have their time together....so those that gave that advice I simply ignore....I digress.... people MEAN WELL they just come off as making parenthood seem like this horrible slavery to your child. It's weird.

Nonetheless, the past couple weeks have not, I repeat, NOT been easy. I know, I know, who expected it to be? Well, I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it has been. A lot of this of course is do to lack of sleep. Men you see have this way about them, or at least my husband does.... he can sleep like a rock! Well, I certainly CAN'T - not even a little bit. I was a light sleeper BEFORE Logan was born - and it has not improved. Every little noise he makes can wake me up. We tried the crib and for one time per night (for only 2 hours total on 2 nights) he managed to sleep then that all went away. People say to let them cry it out and soothe themselves and I may be able to do that in the future but not now. I worry about my baby and this mama can not handle letting him bawl his eyes out. Just. Can't. Do. It.....not yet.

So when we brought Logan home the idea was to put him in the crib when he slept/napped....as I mentioned that did not go well. So then I was sleeping in the living room with him in his swing for a few nights. He seems to need to be on a bit of an incline (probably do to reflux issues....I'll explain THAT in a minute) so my sister said our two friends (who also recently had babies) LOVED the Rock N Play.... so THAT is what we got :) that is what he currently sleeps in and boy is that a lifesaver! We can have it in our bedroom unlike the massive swing which was NOT coming back and forth down our hallway! So it was nice the past week or so to actually sleep in our bed again. Still though the first couple days it was a bit hard to sleep because babies move a lot in their sleep at times (Logan does for sure!) and those little movements and noises wake mommy up. Alas, I am getting used to it and sleeping better through all that.

Another thing that really was hard to handle was coming to the realization that I could not breastfeed :*( I was (and still am) rather upset about that. When I was told to give up and do formula it was a day or two filled with many tears. I wanted what was best for my baby and he was such a good nurser and I felt like it was some nasty trick that my milk never came in. That yet again my body was betraying me. Well, when Logan was about 12 days old I called my doc and asked if there was any chance my milk would come in. She said given everything I had tried: pumping, consistent feedings, medicine, etc. that if it hadn't come in yet then it wasn't going to.... so I got out the formula sample container the hospital gave us as a "gift" and gave him his first bottle....crying the whole time. It was an exhausting couple of days and very hard for me to deal with but for the most part I am quite fine with it all now.

Last Wednesday all hell broke loose....maybe a bit dramatic but let's just say it was NOT GOOD! Little Logan was spitting up (more like throwing up as it was SO MUCH formula) so much - at a couple different times he soaked right through all his clothes in a matter of seconds. It was coming out his nose, he would scream in pain. IT WAS TERRIFYING!!! So I called his pediatrician and they brought us in and he wasn't worried because Logan gained weight. Well the rest of the day he would barely eat, didn't sleep good, and still was spitting up a ton. So the next day I called back and said something needed to be done! So the doc told me I could change his formula. We changed to a broken down formula for sensitive tummies. He started improving quickly - ate more, slept better, it's been great!! The doctor wrote a script so that the formula would be covered by WIC which is a real blessing to say the least! It's specialty formula so it's expensive and while I (OF COURSE) would have paid for it no matter what to make Logan better it is nice to have some help with it too!

Sleeping is still a bit of an issue for me. My husband wants to put Logan in his own room but I just don't have that in me yet. I think I'll be able to handle it when he's closer to 2 months. With the scary spit up situations and what not I just can't handle something awful like that happening when I'm not RIGHT THERE to pick him up. I'm a worried mama and I knew that I would be. I have been waiting years for my baby boy and I reserve the right to be a worried mother!

It has been rough - my friends who recently had babies tell me it gets easier...we shall see. I know that I will survive this... I love being a mom but the emotional turmoil is not something that one can be prepared for and I admit it's a bit much for me at moments. My husband doesn't have to deal with the crying or middle of the night feedings, etc. like I do and sometimes I just get aggravated and I am relieved when he is here so I can just hand him Logan so someone else can try to calm him down. Now, mind you, this is not a day to day problem there are days when he is perfectly lovely but there are days when he gets FAR too tired and screams because of it. In moments like this when he ate a ton, diaper is clean, he's getting plenty of snuggles, no temperature, etc. and he STILL cries... those are the moments where he just has to calm himself down. I hate those moments because I feel like a failed mom that I can't calm my baby down. The first fail moment was breast feeding and then the screaming and then the not being able to let him sleep in his room. UGH! It's hard to not beat myself up and then I read articles that say "you need to get your rest because babies can't bond well with a burnt out mom" well GEEZ THANKS! So now not only am I emotional and tired but this freaking article makes me feel like my child won't love me unless I'm well rested. Guess I'm screwed... or they're idiots.... we'll go with they're idiots for sanity's sake! PLEASE don't take this post as a complaint and me not feeling blessed for my baby boy and my wonderful new life. I just wanted to update the reality of what I have gone through. I am in no way depressed, nor do I have the baby blues, I'm just a new mom realizing that it's not easy....

Well, that's the update for now everyone. Little man was grumpy an hour ago and shall soon wake up to eat.  Hopefully his constipation will go away with the doc's advice. Poor little guy doesn't poop for a day or two and then POW tons and tons of poop! Sometimes it's rather comical like when I changed his diaper and as soon as I go to change it he starts grunting and KEEPS GOING lol! He's quite the character and his poop grunts are beyond hilarious ;) although I feel bad cause it must hurt the poor little guy! Either way here's hoping a big poop is coming on so Logan can feel relieved! Here's also hoping that it happens when I change his diaper - as his daddy is a wimp and would probably wake me up to do it which would NOT make me happy!

Lastly, I can't believe my little man is already over 3 weeks old!!! YIKES! On a positive note....I now only weigh 5 lbs. more than before I got pregnant - woo hoo!!!

My baby all snazzy for Mother's Day

After his first sponge bath

More pics coming soon....I am far too tired to upload them right now!

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you and miss you and wish you were here to love Logan. I know that you send your love and peace to us daily and I hope you feel our love for you. I'm glad you have Nana to love you because it helps mommy feel better that someone so VERY special to me gets to watch my most special angels. One day we will meet and be one huge happy family... until then hold each other close my loves and give Nana hugs and kisses from me, Logan, and mom (your grandma) EVERY DAY! I love you all more than words could ever say and sometimes the loss I feel is just overwhelming. Your brother is a blessing and I thank God every day for him but you all will always be missing from my heart and I will always carry you in it. As my favorite book says "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby(babies) you'll be." I've read that to your brother recently and I can't get through it without crying. I hope you can hear me reading it to, that way it's like I'm reading it to my whole family. I love you my angels... and I always will. 

21w4d pregnant!

So as Christmas draws near I am filled with hope as I feel my little Logan move more and more each day. But at the same time there is this nagging voice in my head that tells me not to get naive again and think that we are out of the woods. I worry but I have faith that all will be well this time around. I pray that I am right. I pray for our little boy every day and night and that my body will not fail this sweet child.

This is the Christmas card that I made to send out to family this year

I felt bad for not including Riley, Peyton, and Cameron on the card but I knew that many people would not understand and I can't emotionally handle judging remarks and/or questions from anyone with all these hormones raging around in my pregnant body. I gave one to my grandma today and she loved it she said Logan was very cute and thought it was amazing that the u/s showed so much detail - she's so sweet. I wish I could show it to my Nana - I wish she was still here, she would have been thrilled to have a second great grandchild. But at the same time I know she is in a much better place and out of all the pain that cancer brought her. It was just SO sudden and she was gone so soon. You can read more about that here is you are interested.

So much has happened since last Christmas. I got surgery to remove the tissue in my uterus. My husband and I went to FL and met his two brothers and sister (who he had NEVER met - they are all in their 30s) and his two aunts (who he hadn't seen since he was ten (he's now 25)! We celebrated our anniversary by going to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. We went camping with my family to the Adirondack Mts. where I fell and injured myself quite badly. Me and my mom left camping to go to my Nana's bedside where she passed early the next morning from a rare form of Leukemia (she was diagnosed with it 2 days before though we knew it could happen someday it was VERY sudden). I got pregnant the next month with twins and took a road trip to visit my husband's sister in VA, then to his one Aunt in SC and to see his Nana and Papa (who he had not seen in 5 years). Lost one twin at 10 weeks pregnant. Found out we were having a little boy! Made it to many milestones in this pregnancy now I have been pregnant over twice as long as ever! It's amazing how much can happen in a year....

This year I have far more hope in my heart than I did last Christmas. I pray this hope is not naive. I pray you all have comfort and peace this holiday season. I will be mourning my three angels and my Nana as we celebrate. <3

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron,
Hold each other tight this Christmas and always remember mommy and daddy love you. Please hug Nana for me and tell her the whole family misses her dearly. Hugs and kisses to you my sweet angels!

Missing my Riley....

I'm sure I have mentioned this before...probably over a year ago. But my friend had her baby on Riley's due date. I just saw her post on Facebook today about his one year birthday party.

It broke my heart....

I can't believe that Riley would have been a year old. I can't even begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart to see my friend's baby. He is a constant reminder of what could have been. And THAT is not easy to say the least!

I am obviously BEYOND thrilled that my rainbows are on the way but that doesn't take away the sadness in my heart for the angels I have lost. Pieces of my heart will always be missing and while having twins is AMAZING two births won't make up for the children I lost.

Today is a hard day but luckily also a busy one.

My appt. with the nurse at my OB office was yesterday. It was just a bunch of boring questions but she did tell me that the doctor will most likely order an ultrasound on Thursday when I go in for my first visit with him. Trust me I will be BEGGING him for that! It has been 3 weeks AND this is the longest I ever made it before with a pregnancy so I am extra anxious.

I'll make sure to let you all know how Thursday's appt. goes.
Here is the pic I promised of my cute, cuddly cat who loves to be near the babies!! <3

Excuse my unattractiveness - being pregnant and tired isn't pretty (on me anyways LOL)

Don't you love how her butt is practically falling off the the couch just to she can lay near the babies LOL - so super cute!! <3


Riley & Peyton I miss you every day. As your father said last year. You are more real than the air we breathe. We love you <3

UGH.....

Well folks - it seems this momma spoke too soon about not having morning sickness! : (

YUCK! Starting yesterday all went down hill. Now I haven't been throwing up or anything but still just a very horrible amount of feeling AWFUL! Nauseous, light headed if I'm walking around too much, yuck, yuck, yuck. I hope since it has started late it doesn't mean that I will be stuck with this into the 2nd trimester.

I'm trying really hard to drink water. I didn't drink enough water yesterday so maybe that is adding to my general feeling of crappiness. Who knows? I shall do my best to drink more. Can't keep up with anything though. Tons of dishes to do. And of course since I don't feel well enough to do anything I WANT to do things. Figures.

There can be days where I want to just watch TV even though I feel fine but as soon as I HAVE to lay down I don't want to. Here's hoping our tater tots aren't as annoying as their mommy LOL ;) At the very least I am still eating plenty and not throwing up (thank goodness)! I have been watching episode after episode of American Picker on Netflix after finishing up 3 seasons of Pawn Stars on Netflix last week. Thanks to my dear friend Melissa got me into Pawn Stars and I just LOVE it! Luckily I have my news regular season TV shows starting this week so that will give me something to do if I continue to feel sick. I watch incredibly too much tv and I love it so I figure I better enjoy it this season because it may be my last season for watching many of these shows. Sad to lose them but happy to give them up for my tater tots :)

Well, I'm alive over here. Far too hot - even though it's only like 70 degrees outside (but I am ALWAYS hot)! Slept with the air on in the bedroom last night which helped and I've had it on in the living room today which helped too. Weird? Sure! But who care - it makes me feel better! Well... hot, nauseous, light headed.... but alive! I figure feeling like crap usually means all is good so my tots are worth the yuck! Thank goodness you don't get morning sickness AFTER the babies are born LOL that would not go well.

Tonight my new show "Up All Night" is on - I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone with children. I don't have any on Earth yet but I feel the stuff I am laughing at now may make me cry next year LOL ;) !!! Nonetheless it's fun to watch! ;)

Riley & Peyton we love you so very much. I feel you with me every day my sweet angels. Give Nana big hugs and kisses for me every single day. I know she must be so excited that I am having twins. She would have been thrilled if she were still here but I am glad that she is happy, pain free, and with both of you. It brings peace to my heart even through my tears. Always be there for each other and watch over us. We miss you!

A Year Ago Today

Last year this day was not so hopeful. It was filled with sadness. A multitude of tears and my grief was multiplied as I heard the words "there is no heartbeat" for the second time in a very very short 6 months.

I had been to the doctor's office on the 16th and had seen a quick ultrasound to ease my worry and there was the beautiful heartbeat. I was right around 10 weeks that day. A mere three days later... my Peyton had gone to Heaven. I'll never know what day it was (at least not while on this Earth) but I know it was in the short span of three days. I had stopped worrying after seeing that heartbeat on the 16th. I had no consistent spotting as I did with Riley. Nothing to make me think that anything was wrong. I even went to get my blood work done. MANY many tubes of blood - UGH I hate doing that. I have been poked with needles so much in the last year and a half I should be used to it but I'm NOT I still hate it!! Those three days I was blissfully happy to be pregnant. Because I had no idea what was to come...

I went to the doctor's appointment on the 19th alone. Because...well it was a simple checkup I had just had a sonogram and everything was fine. Well the check up went great - he said everything looked perfect. Then he brought out the fetal doppler. He searched around for 10 minutes. No heartbeat. He said this was unusual but not necessarily alarming. I think he knew it was alarming and he just didn't want to upset me.

They scheduled me to come back in 30 minutes and get an ultrasound. I talked to the nurse about getting a print out from the sonogram this time so I could show my husband. I even scheduled my 16 week appointment. Then I went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant nearby (that I have not set foot in since that day). I went back and the regular ultrasound showed no heartbeat - which should have tipped me off because 3 days beforehand it showed a heartbeat. But I was STILL calm and naive, I went to the bathroom and came back for a transvaginal ultrasound. This time I knew. I had seen a heartbeat enough times at that point to know there wasn't one. So before she went to get the doctor I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" and she said "no, I'm going to go get the doctor."

I sat there alone bawling my eyes out. Sobbing uncontrollably thinking that probably everyone in the office could hear me. But I didn't care. My world was being crushed again. My baby had died again. It seemed inhumane that I was going through this 6 months after losing Riley. I felt like the world was against me and I was PISSED that I was alone. I was SO angry that I had stopped worrying and been dumb enough to come to the doctor alone.

The doctor came in and said he was sorry but that he knew someone who had SIX miscarriages and then had 4 children. This did NOT make me feel better! Looking at someone who is devastated to have TWO miscarriages and putting the possibility of SIX out there is not helpful at all! I know he meant well but it did not help! I left that day totally beaten down. I felt like the weight of the world was crushing my chest and it was hard to breathe. I texted my husband and told him to call me and when he did I told him the tragic news. Then I called my mom, my dad, my sister, my aunt, and my cousin.

In tears I drove to my cousin's house I briefly cried before her son came in the room and then I just hugged him. Later her daughter woke up and I played with them both a bit. Then I went home. The rest is a blur of tears. It was a BAD BAD day.

I am hoping that today is a vast improvement. I need good news today, positive thoughts, and joy. Tomorrow I am in a craft show. Last year it was a good distraction - this year I hope it is a positive, fun-filled day rather than just a distraction. I have faith and I know that God has big plans for me!



Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy will always love you and we will never ever forget you.

Pet peeves of a BLM

I can't even begin to tell you how little people "get" what it's like to be a BLM. I'm sure all you BLMs out there totally understand what I mean. The other day though REALLY put me over my limit for ignorance.

I have mentioned in past posts:

How I hated when I friend of mine commented that she also couldn't stand seeing pregnant woman. I explained to her that it being hard for her to get pregnant is not the same as being reminded that your two children are dead! She didn't seem phased and seemed to think there was no difference! SO ANNOYING!
**please note I DO realize that being infertile IS awful! I just don't like the death of my children being compared to it!**

How people think it shouldn't be a big deal because I know my babies are in Heaven. Nice to know but while it may bring me peace to know I will see them one day it sure doesn't freaking make me HAPPY!

How "everything happens for a reason" is getting real old REAL fast! While I do believe that there was a purpose to my loss. It is NOT comforting to here that saying over and over again. I would rather someone say they are "thinking about me" or "praying for me" or simply offer a hug. I'm so over "everything happens for a reason"

When I was getting balloons to release on Riley's due date the woman selling the balloons proclaimed she had a bunch of miscarriages to and it was no big deal. That I would be fine. I've had just about enough of the people that tell me to "let it go" or "stop reliving it". If my children had been 10 when they passed away it would have been different but I'm just supposed to forget about them because you never met them? SORRY NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! If MY loss makes YOU uncomfortable then keep on walking. No need to talk to me. I have no need for self righteous advice! Go talk to someone who cares!


 Okay so those are some PAST mentions of pet peeves. Trust me there are many many more I am sure I could think of but that is enough for now. The most recent one is all the people commenting to my sister (who JUST got married April 23rd) that she needs to have kids.

I can't even count the amount of times children were brought up at their wedding! It was so hard to stand up there as Matron of Honor and keep hearing comments about them having kids. It was just so hard. THEN at church yesterday I met my cousins little newborn and after I held him my sister did and a variety of people made comments. Such as "He looks good in your arms" or "When are you going to have a little one" or "I tried to talk her into having a honeymoon baby". ALL of these people KNOW that I have lost both my children. Why can't they just SHUT UP and not say this crap around me?!? Can the almost 30 year old please get pregnant first! Is that too much to ask? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sorry for the rant but WOW that was REALLY upsetting!

It's been over two weeks since my last post and I have been itching to write but sometimes I know what I want to say but I can't say it... if that makes sense.

The last post I talked about how I was sick of the way I look, being overweight, etc. I still am but guess what? Monday after substitute teaching I was desperately tired but something made me try the workout DVD I've had for months! And I have now done the workout three days in a row. Step in the right direction - painful one at that - but I am proud of myself.

Grief is a funny - not funny ha ha - what I mean to say is it's confusing. Every day is like a ride. One day it may be an exciting rollercoaster - a day full of hope and great expectations. The next day (or even within the same day) it is like a horror story. Then there are the days that are more of a Merry, Go Round - not to exciting but interesting nonetheless. Forest Gump's mom was right - life really IS like a box of chocolates you really do NEVER know what you are gonna get.

I went to see the movie Soul Surfer with a friend yesterday. It is about a young girl who had just become a pro surfer (she was 'signed' so I assume that means she was pro) and while out in the water she gets her arm bitten off by a shark! To make a long story short without giving too much away. Through perseverance and a whole lot of faith in God she gets through it and even learns how to surf with only one arm (trust me there's far more to it - you can learn all that from a trailer)!! If interested you can read my review and watch the trailer on my movie review blog. This line in the movie just truly hit me - I would have probably balled my eyes out had my friend not been right next to me. Just thinking of the line makes me tear up.

"I don't know why terrible things happen to us sometimes. But I have to believe something good is going to come from this."

This girl lost her arm and was able to still treat people with kindness who stared at her. To treat a competitor in a surf competition with kindness even though that person was mean to her. She was so loving through it all. I am in NO way comparing losing a limb to child loss. But I think we can all agree it would be a difficult thing to go through and a hard thing to understand. As a baby loss mom I certainly can't UNDERSTAND why I had to lose both of my children. Maybe I never will. But at the same time I know that something good will come of it. Maybe it already has...maybe this blog is part of that good. Maybe talking about my loss rather than ignoring it like society does will help someone. If it even makes a difference to one person through their grief it is good. I'm not going to lie - I, just as any of us would - would take my children back in an INSTANT if I could - but the Lord knows, and I know, that can't happen.

 

I made this photo today (well I took the photo a couple years ago - but I added the verse today) in honor of this post. This verse was mentioned in the movie and it really hit home. I have known the verse for longer than I can remember but something just clicked when I heard it in the movie. I'm going to list it in my Etsy shop :)

One of the reasons I haven't posted in a while is because I have been crazy posting in my Etsy shop. I am toying with the idea of starting a blog in regards to my Etsy listings. Maybe I will....not sure yet. Here are a few new items I have made (out of the over 100 new ones I listed)... Click the banner below to go to my store!

These first three are meant to be cake toppers or just cute sculptures 

for the angry birds I didn't know if they would be popular for cake toppers.

They are made from polymer clay that is then primed, painted, and sealed with lacquer.

Here is my newest wedding board design

 I also started making hair accessories

The last picture is my newly dyed hair. I had NO idea my roots were so bad until we finally got some sunlight around here and natural light showed not pretty roots! So basically I dyed it back to my normal color.

I thought the red was going to fade out - but it didn't really.

Yes I am crazy and in a tank top even though it's cold here. I am always hot all year round LOL

Soooo I have a hopeful feeling about me the past three days. A renewed spirit if you will. Here's hoping and PRAYING that things keep looking UP! I am due for my next cycle any time now and after that I can get the HSG to find out if the surgery worked. I'm hopeful but nervous. I need lots of prayer that all the 'spots' won't be taken like they were the first time I needed it done! I just need to know and then we can move on from there! Thank you for those who read this post. It is greatly appreciated. Now with the words out of my head and it being 2:30 am it is time for me to depart to bed.

Goodnight and may God bless you all with some hope as well!

Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. We always will! Mommy will always tell your story to others and to your siblings (Lord willing). Until we meet on that glorious day in Heaven hug eachother for me until I can hug you myself.

Better to have loved and lost ?

"It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all"

Easier to believe if you haven't experienced such loss. That is for sure...

While I see the wisdom in that saying I also know that each and every one of us would take back our loss in a second. Would do almost ANYTHING to have our children back. Do I wish Riley and Peyton never existed at all? OF COURSE NOT! I know they are my children and I know they are safe and happy in Heaven and that gives me peace. But I wish for them to be with me... I always will.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my post from yesterday. I appreciate the outpouring of love more than you could ever know.

I know that I will always feel this pain, always feel this stab in my heart when people announce they are pregnant. I will always have tears come to my eyes when I receive a baby shower invite in the mail. No two ways around it. The pain of such heartbreak will never go away. Maybe it will dull in time but it will never fully be gone.

Someday when I am pregnant again I do not plan to hide it. I'm not going to scream it from the roof tops but I plan to announce it on my blog and tell all close friends and family. I have dealt with the heartbreak of telling people who knew I was pregnant that I lost Riley and then when no one knew about Peyton I told the people who didn't know. You know what? IT SUCKED. It was awful BOTH TIMES. It made no difference. I am not the sort to hide the truth and now that I know that either way is equally awful I plan to celebrate my future pregnancies for as long as I can. I will pray of course that there will be no more loss but I do not want to hide it when it comes the time.  I can not sit back and pretend that these pregnancies did not happen, nor can I sit back and be quiet about a new life growing in me when the time comes. Telling people will not save or doom a pregnancy but you know what it will do? It will have that child in more people's prayers. And THAT is all I can hope for.... a new life, with many prayers behind it.

Sadly even telling people, even announcing it will never be carefree as it is for so many. It will never be easy or full of pure joy. There will always be a coating of worry, of absolute terrified worry. I will have to trust at that time, have faith that God's will is for my baby to live. That is all that I can do. Have faith and take care of myself and my pregnancy....when that time comes I will do just that.

I am so thankful for every single one of my readers. Thank you for your love. I read a ton of blogs and I don't always comment but trust me you all mean so very much to me! I leave you with these two songs by a band that I love.... Jars of Clay. Take a few minutes to listen to them. They are beautiful.

Post-op appointment

Yesterday I finally had the long awaited post-op appointment! It was a long five days to get to that appointment believe me!

The doctor came in and asked me how everything went with a balloon catheter and I said not great it was the bane of my existence the past 5 days. He thought that was funny and said he was sorry that it gave me such issues. I told him if anything it should make it really easy to take out - and it was... THEN came the dreaded removal of the stitches. My incisions had been the main cause of my pain since surgery so I knew the removal of them was going to incredibly suck!

He removed the stitches from the right incision first and said the stitches were "buried" so it hurt like hell to get those taken out - to say the least. Then came the belly button stitch removal - this had been my most painful incision (still is) - so I was dreading this to say the least! It took him at least 5 minutes of poking around my belly button with scissors to get the dumb stitch out. He said the resident did the stitches to tight either that or there was just more swelling than usual which was making it hard to take out. Either way it sucked. Luckily the removal of the stitches from the left incision was easy - or I just didn't notice because my belly button hurt so bad LOL.

Either way it is done and in 2 months or so hopefully there will be a beautiful normal looking uterus on the screen of my next HSG! It seems like such a long long wait but I am excited for that day :)

I would write more but just as I was going to write this post I started to feel crappy again. I still feel very weak and can't do much without feeling sick so I am taking it easy. I figure after another week (hopefully) I will be good as new - minus some new scars ;)

It is all well worth it of course!

Much love to you all and thank you for your sweet comments, thoughts, and prayers.

(p.s. - the rude BLM from the last post was no one from this lovely blogging community. It was a BLM I knew in real life - who thank goodness moved away.)


Sweet Riley - a year ago we had blood results confirm that you had left us and were in Heaven. The doctor had made it quite clear that we should not be hopeful so we had begun to grieve you Valentine's Day weekend but it was still hard to hear. We will always love you and never forget you! Many many people thought of you on 2/11 even though mommy and daddy couldn't leave the house to do anything we were thinking of you every second. We love you and Peyton more than I could ever explain to you or to anyone. You mean the world to us.

Home and recovering

Please excuse and typos as I am laying down while typing and can barely see the keyboard LOL

Surgery went well today. They removed the septum - my doctor said I did great - and a cyst was removed from my left tube also. I will ask more about this on TUesday I was half out of it when he told me today :)

I have three small incisions. One practically in my belly button, and one below that to the left and right. These are not fun especially when I have to bend to get off the couch. ICK! However I would say the worst part of this ordeal will be the balloon catheter in my uterus. For one my uterus does not want to be that stretched out so I am crampy and secondly the tube from the catheter is coiled up down there and the tube pops out whenever I go to the bathroom. Sitting is not the most comfy this with this sucker! Also there is pain from the carbon dioxide still inside me - it will take a couple days to absorb and my doc told me it may feel like I am having a heart attack but I'm not LOL

Soo I am recovering and thank God I have pain medication! Whew! There was a lovely resident that was very interested in my case who I explained everything too. She was kind as were all the staff at the hospital. I am glad this is over and hopefully in 2011 I will find out I am pregnant with a rainbow that will grace us on Earth in 2012. For now it is time to recover my butt off (or my uterus in this case) and get my uterus lining all healthy until summer time :)

Much love to you all thank you for thinking of me! If you don't hear from me for a bit please know I am around but resting up :)

Believe in Dreams...

So I have been busy lately. With just life in general really - nothing super exciting whatsoever. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an exciting life, to be an exciting person. But at the same time I am perfectly happy being my homebody, somewhat dull self. I don't mean that to sound depressing - it's not - part of who I am is that I love to be home, on the couch vegging out or spending time out with my husband. Those are my favorite times. Though I must say if money wasn't an issue we would go out far more than we do. Thus is life...

Quick note: Check out my store! Big sale and free gift for each order made before 2/11/11 (Riley's one year angelversary)!

I subbed the past two days for Elementary Music. Crazy right? Yep - pretty much. The plans were basically impossible for me to do - because although I can sing - I am not a music teacher. So it was a fly by the seat of my pants kinda subbing moment. It's sad how often those moments occur! Then I took the same job today - apparently because I like to torture myself. The last class (before chorus) was AWFUL! And when I informed the teacher that they were LOUD he just smiled and said thank you and they all left. I was like WOW and I wonder why they don't act good - because YOU don't care! UGH! That made me mad!

SO my surgery is a week from Thursday. Time did go pretty fast. I am looking forward to getting it over with and moving on. Afterwards I can look forward to the summer when TTC will be a possibility again. I have two pre-op appointments before then. I think this is rather extensive - I mean how much is my blood going to change in 4 days? Seems silly but I have to trust that there is a logical reason behind it and it's not just to get me to waster my gas money, energy, and time. I am looking forward to Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow I had planned to stay in but it seems the weather would make me anyways. WE are supposed to get about 16 inches where I live tomorrow. Oh what fun. SO as long as the roads are passable by Thursday morning I will be a happy girl. All the schools in the area pretty much are already closed and it hasn't even started to snow yet. I have to say I am proud of WNY for being proactive - they are often anything but - let's hope this isn't an excuse for them to not plow the roads in a timely manner. There are some that will have to go to work so I hope for their sake that the roads are well managed.

Thursday is my first meeting with my Face2Face group  at 9am so that is why I need the roads to be good :) I am looking forward to meeting the two ladies in my group and just talk ya know? It's sad to meet people who share similar sad circumstances but at the same time - why go through it alone? There are FAR too many people in this world that "ignore" their losses or "pretend they never happened" - people who won't talk about it. And I have to say that sooner or later (most likely) that will eat them up inside. The book I have been reading "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb (who's other two books I LOVED in high school) just threw a WHOLE LOTTA baby loss at me. I read these parts of the book while subbing, with a class in the room (they were watching a movie for class) and I was shocked that I handled it so well. It gave me hope that maybe these moments in books and movies won't rip me apart for the rest of my lives - it is far more likely that I was just having a strong day. Honestly seeing the pregnant art teacher talking about her due date in the lunch room was far more upsetting.

I am looking forward to Friday with Nate SO much! As I mentioned above we can't often afford to go out and have date nights and what not like I would like so I am cherish our all day excursion. The one downfall to the day is my pre-op blood work (NOT a fan of needles). However other than that it will be a fabulous day. We are getting up early (by early I mean like 8 or 9 LOL (I like to go to bed very late and sleep till like 11am - I am weird. Anyways we are going to bowl two games and see if Kinect has improved our bowling skills - I'm not gonna hold my breathe LOL ;) then we are going to grab some lunch (I have a coupon YEA) and then paint some pottery (it's the art teacher in me - I love it) This place lets you paint it there and then they fire it and you can come back and pick it up! :) Then blood work, a trip to Best Buy (we have gift cards we may use), movie (I am thinking Sanctum), and a nice dinner out at Red Lobster (which I hope will include an amazing Pina Colada)! It will be a fun outing before surgery and recovery and all.

As a last note I would like to add that after going to my parents to do laundry after an EXHAUSTING day of quieting elementary music students... my dad told me a package had some for me. This is odd given I have not lived there for the last 2 1/2 yrs. since I got married... I open it and I am still confused until I see something that says G.oogle. Then I'm like OOOOHHHH I think I know what this is. NO WAY! And I was right - they sent me a free G.oogle chrome laptop! I had filled out a survey I'd say a month or two ago for one. Answered questions and if I was chosen they would send me a laptop to keep for free and I just write to them if I have problems or suggestions with the computer and the operating system! VERY COOL! I would include pics but I am far to tired and lazy currently. I apologize for spelling errors and such but this computer is weird to get used to and what not so bear with me ;)

Anyways I am off to watch a show before bed - I have been fighting sleep for awhile now but I will soon welcome it with open arms. On that note I am praying for no sad dreams. The other day I had a dream that I had a stillborn baby girl and that I was so upset but two hours later we realized the doctors were wrong and she WAS alive. In the dream I remember loving her, holding her, playing with her, I awoke with a smile on my face to realize - of course - this never happened - it was a cruel trick my mind played on me. I am glad I had to work that day because otherwise the dream may have overtook my day - may have made it quite unbearable. SO I pray that dream or others like it will not enter my mind tonight or ever again....I pray my dream of a living child will be reality sooner rather than later - but I know it is all in God's time - not my own...

"Believe in dreams
You love so much
Let the passion of your heart
Make them real
And tell
All the ones you love
Anything and everything you feel

Laugh about the past
And secretly
Wish we could go back
And save the child..." - Flyleaf "Believe in Dreams"

Riley & Peyton momma loves you so much! How I wish I could wake and find that losing you was all some cruel dream. That I could wake up and have never lost you. That neither of you had ever died.That my body had never killed you. That this stupid septum in my uterus never existed. That the last year was all just a horrible nightmare. Sadly I know this will never happen but I also know that I will wish that for the rest of my life until the day I hold you in my arms up in Heaven. I carry you in my heart my loves. In my words. In my voice.In every way except in my arms where you should be... I love you more than I could have ever imagined. So little, so loved. Thank you for making me strong and keep sending me those peaceful moments when I just know you are here with me. Thank you my sweet babies. Thank you.... I love you SO very much! 

Words where their warmth should be....

Writing on this blog has become less of an every day thing in the past month or two and more of a place to share my opinions (Cheers & Jeers), my anger, my sadness, my pain, and even my joy. I come to this blog because I can take this blogger box and fill it with my every hope, wish, and dream. I can be honest, forthright, and fearless. This place is for me, for me and my babies. As I write this I am welling up with tears because it makes me so angry, so deeply sad that this is all I have of them. These words are my memories, my moments in time, my words that must replace what should have been their warmth in my arms.

This tear filled post could have been a fitful cry in the middle of the night, a diaper change, a feeding, my baby just wanting to be held. I managed the holidays so far with smiles and laughter. Created ornaments and stocking for my children that I will hang in the years to come on every Christmas tree we have for the rest of my God given life. I created the only memories I could and I helped to create memories for other BLMs by making ornaments and participating in an ornament exchange, a card exchange, and a gift exchange.


Today at church (you can read about it in more detail on the previous post) our youth pastor spoke and at the end of the sermon we found out that one of his wife's students (she teaches physical education) had lost her 2 year battle with cancer on Christmas Eve (she would have been 16 in May). 2 weeks before she made it clear that she believed in God, had been saved, and so they knew when she passed that we would one day see her in Heaven. I didn't know this girl but I knew the love my friends had for her and even though they were thrilled they would meet her in Heaven again one day they were filled with sadness too. I didn't know her but I cried, I cried for my friends loss, and even more for her dear parents. They entered this grief journey, this sad club, this monumental group of people that we wish would stop growing. I know I can do nothing to take away their pain but I am making them an angel plaque for their sweet girl and I hope that brings them a small amount of peace through their tears.

(If you have not read the book FIREFLY LANE and wish to one day DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH THAT IS IN RED! It will give away the ending. You have been warned! After the red feel free to continue reading!)

I also just finished Firefly Lane which midway through shocked me with a miscarriage and then at the end the death of one of the characters. She died of cancer. Her first child she miscarried at 4 months, then went on to have a baby girl, and then quite a few years later twin boys. Her best friend urged her to write "her story" so that her children could know all about their mother even after she was gone. She did. All I could think through this was this is my story and my babies can't ever read it. The story would have made me cry anyways but this made me sob. When the book was done I had to leave the room so I wouldn't wake up my poor husband (who actually has to wake up to go to work in 3 hours). However, God can tell them all about me and I know I will meet them one day... but it still just plain sucks. No two ways around that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have my MRI on Tuesday. I am terrified. I am hopeful - but I can't bear the idea that my hope could be crushed - I know I will survive it if it is - but I am terrified of the prospect of that looming anvil that could crush crush crush. My cousin's husband is doing the MRI so I am glad that it is someone I can trust. I am not thrilled with enclosed spaces but was told to wear my sleeping mask so that the space won't freak me out and I can bring music to listen to for the hour I am in the contraption. (I have worn a sleeping mask to bed since 7th grade EVERY night - that's over 18 years! Crazy but true! And not the SAME one for 18 years...that would be gross!) But the process is the least of the worries. Obviously I am terrified that I will be told that the problem with my uterus - the reason it is shaped like a capital V is that it is bicornuate and that it is extra muscle essentially splitting my uterus practically in two. This would be the bad news - the crusher. The HOPEFUL news would be that it is TISSUE and can therefore be easily removed through surgery and once healed could POSSIBLY solve my miscarriage issues. I'm praying for tissue but terrified of the bicornuate anvil that is the muscle diagnosis. I will fill you in when I know more. Until then.... think and pray TISSUE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My tears have dried, and my mind has stilled.... yet again this blog has helped me. I thank God for this space and all of you wonderful readers everyday. The blogging BLM community has meant so much to me. I know you always will. Even if I lose touch with some of you over time, your names and your babies names are engraved on my heart....please know this. Also I added a CONTACT area in the upper left hand column of my blog. Feel free to write me and email if you ever wish to ask questions or would like to talk to me about anything, even as simple as what I think of a movie (I also have a movie review blog LOL)...I leave you with this touching clip from the Rabbit Hole (it won't ruin the movie don't worry!)

I reviewed Rabbit Hole HERE.


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‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”-Revelation 21:4

Practicing life

I am out of practice with life. But I am working my way back in. As I wrote in my last post I went out for my friends bachelorette party. It was a good time. It ended with some issues but I am happy to say that none of those issues had anything to do with me. I believe I cam off as a normally social person. Shocking I know! It was for me too!

Anyways I am not sure if any of my readers watch the show The Practice but it BEYOND pissed me off (excuse my 'wording')! It was about a woman who comes into the hospital pregnant on a regular basis who is a drug addict and they PAY her to take her baby. In the episode they mentioned that it had happened 4 other times. EACH time the baby LIVED but with some sort of problem due to her neglect. The baby was put into foster care each time. So THIS time the woman comes in and has not been using drugs and the baby is born completely healthy so guess what? THIS time she wants MORE money because the baby is healthy. She won't even look at her baby and accepts $1000 and signs all rights away to her child.

The sad thing is THIS happens. People give up their children for money. People give up their children for much less, for nothing most of the time. This woman (and yes I know it is a tv show) would not even GLANCE at HER BABY. There are people all over the world doing drugs and all sorts of crap and THEY have no issues having a baby. It makes me SICK! Here I am doing everything RIGHT and both my children die. I wanted to scream bloody murder the whole episode!

It seems as though sooner or later the whole fairness of life will have to work to our benefit. Odds are sooner (hopefully) or later things will get better. I would love an It's a Wonderful Life moment. I would love to see how everything that has happened to me in my life and how that has effected others lives. I know deep down that it has but it would be nice to see it. Nice to know for sure that all I have been through has meant something to other people too.

Anyways here's to 2011 looking better for all of us after we survive the holiday season.

Riley & Peyton momma loves you and I think of you every second of every day.

Good enough...

It's been one of those days off and on.... one of those days where everything seems bleak. Where I feel like if I talk about Riley & Peyton my whole body may burst from all the tears. This is not to say that I have been sitting around in a depressive heap - I have not - I was quite busy cleaning and doing dove pictures. But still.... just one of those days.

In Dead Baby Land we all go through this. So I'm sure those in DBL with me "get" what I am saying. For those that aren't there... I doubt you can get it. You probably never will, which is okay but please refrain from worrying about me or judging my grief. I'm a strong chick. I'm doing just fine but some days are hard.

On days like today it astounds me that the world just keeps on spinning. That through the grief and horror and loss in so many people's lives... life doesn't stop. Should it? It would be nice if it did. It would be nice if I could take a break from the mundane crap that I don't care about. It would be nice if the dishes could wash themselves, the laundry cleaned itself, and dinner was cooked by someone other than me. That would be nice. Would it make my pain lessen? Of course not. Will anything? I highly doubt it.

I love Lifetime movies. I just do. I was watching one today called "Where are my children?" The main premise... a woman has to go to jail for some stupid nonsense for 3 months. Well when she gets out she finds out her kids have been kidnapped. They were 8 months, 5 years and 8 years old. She has another son years later and then when he is college he dies in a car accident! HORRIBLE RIGHT? She did FINALLY find all of her children though. Well the whole time all I can think is I could look forever too and ya know what? I would never find my children either. I know where they are, I know they are watching but.... I will never find them. Not in this lifetime. Not on Earth.

I think sometimes... for me anyways... that after good days with no sadness and no tears... a sad day with lots of emotion is bound to pop up. Bound to rear it's ugly head. To drag me down a little. Do I survive? Of course. Will there be better days? God willing. Will my emotions drag me down again? Sure. But I will live another day. I will live as many as God gives me. I try hard to see the positive. To see the good that has come from losing my angels. I have yet to be able to focus on that all that much. I know that losing Riley and Peyton has made me a more caring compassionate person. I know that it has helped me see how extremely fragile life is... how getting pregnant definitely isn't the hardest part. Especially not for me. Not for other BLMs.

I would like my life to be a Lifetime movie. I want that ending. I want to trudge through all the crap in my life... the depression, the cutting, that jerks I dated, the horrible jobs, the awful landlords, going through 11 cars in 11 years, getting evicted, having a miscarriage, losing my job/being unemployed, having another miscarriage... (and way too much more) Now that I have gone through all that I would like my happy ending. Something POSITIVE. But you know what? it's one of those days.... the ones we have all had - where I get to thinking. Hmmm what did I do to earn this crap in my life. Had I done this or that differently would this not have happened? If I wasn't so overweight would I have a screaming baby in my arms instead of a laptop? Am I being punished for something? These nonsense remarks just fly through my head. I don't really think that I could have done anything differently. Nor do I believe that I am being punished. I believe that God knew Riley & Peyton were leaving me far too soon probably when I was a baby. Do I still beat myself up for being so overweight and fear that being a culprit? Absolutely. Even though I have seen PLENTY of women have children who were FAR larger then I am... I still think it. Hopefully next month everything will get back on track. I will have my HSG (dye test to see is my uterus has a septum or anything that would need repairing) and then they have checked all that they can until I am pregnant again.

My husband has an interview tomorrow for a job. It would help us a ton if he were to get it. Help take some pressure off my lack of job situation. I'll still need to sub of course but it would just be a very positive change. I am PRAYING my butt off about it but also praying that the insurance is good and that it's either instantaneous if he's hired or only a month later. If I had to wait 3 months to TTC it would not make me happy AT ALL. We shall see... anyways though. Keep us in your prayers if you could. I would really appreciate it.

Sorry for the sort of bummer post. Had to get it out so that I could sleep and not have all these thoughts jumbled in my brain. If you read all this - thank you - it truly means a lot.
 


DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY GIVEAWAY! You have until Wed. night - there are 9 ways for each person to enter! :)


Riley and Peyton momma loves you so much. I think about you every single day and carry you in my heart always. I love you just as much as any mother can love a child. I love you for eternity. No one can ever take that love away from me. You live through me my sweet babies. I love you so very very much. I saw a little baby today that sat near us at church. She was probably not much older than you would have been Riley if you had been born. She was precious - as I know you are. It was all I could do to not cry. All I could do to gain my composure... I wish you were both here with me. I know that Peyton would never have been conceived if you had not died Riley. But logical talk like that means nothing to me. I still wish you were both with me. I love you more than words could ever express... You live through me...

"What the heart has once known it shall never forget"

WHAT THE HEART HAS ONCE KNOWN IT SHALL NEVER FORGET.

That really just says it all ya know? Those who have never experienced the loss of a child may not "get" that but it's true. No matter how early the loss or the reason for the loss or anything - the children I LOVED with all of my heart are not here with me on this green Earth! They are not here. I do not get the complete joy of holding them in my arms, watching them take their first steps, feeling their weight against my chest. This grief is mine to carry. BLMs get it they know what it's like. We all deal with our grief in our ways. Many have blogs like me, we are all wonderful people that something tragic happened too. 

I may not greatly enjoy seeing baby pictures on facebook or pregnant women in public but that doesn't mean I would ever wish this pain on any person in the world. I would never want someone to go through this ache. No one deserves it. But I am part of this land of the lost now. I will never feel complete because.... I'm not. It's as simple as that. My two children are in Heaven. Pieces of my heart went with them. I will not be whole until the day we are all in Heaven together. 

If you are not part of this sad club then you can't fully understand the emotions BLMs go through. It's impossible for you to begin to understand.  I know because before I lost Riley and Peyton I had a friend who lost her baby. I had no clue how to handle the situation. I said my "I'm sorry" offered a hug and what not and then join the crowd and basically don't mention it again. I feel bad looking back because not mentioning the grief elephant in the room doesn't make it go away and it sure doesn't make it better. But as a society we are not told how to handle such things. We are not told how to handle dead babies. The term dead being in the same sentence with the word babies is honestly probably severely upsetting to people in general. I sure don't like it but it's the way it is. BLMs often refer to us being in DBL (Dead Baby Land). It sounds harsh to people who aren't in DBL but it is not meant to be that way. It's just a fact of our lives. It's not meant to be offensive. 

I am always bothered when I tell a friend that I have a blog and met many wonderful BLMs through it, etc. More often than not I am then told by the friend "Maybe you shouldn't think about your miscarriages so much" and "This is probably just making it worse" and "You should just try to not think about it, you'll have a baby I just know it".... These miscarriages were my CHILDREN so I can't not think about that! I fell in love with Riley & Peyton the moment I knew I was pregnant so please do not patronize me and tell me to try not to think about them. If I had lost a child that had been living for years no one would say "try not to think about it" and knowing that I can try to have more children does not lessen the loss. Please realize that if you have not experienced a loss you have no idea what it's like. Don't IGNORE that someone you know has lost a child. Don't patronize them with "time will heal" and "try not to think about it" and "be happy they are in Heaven" because NONE of these words make anything better. Offer an ear, a hug, a shoulder to cry on but don't try to make us feel better. We will get used to grief's unwanted presence in our lives in our own time. 

Writing about my loss and talking about it with others does not mean I am allowing grief to rule my life. Quite the contrary I am letting my emotions out and living through this pain as transparently as one can in this day and age. I am living through this and I am carrying on. I may write on this blog for the rest of my life. And you know what - good for me! I have said before that Riley & Peyton never walked this Earth. They never lived here with me so they will live through my words, actions, and love. They will live through me because they are a part of me, as I am a part of them.  

I saw the quote I started this page out with on a youtube video for a woman named Leslie Evans. She had a complication with a pregnancy. She was having twins but the babies did not make it and sadly due to complications she also died. I read a blog her family started awhile ago. They also started a facebook page for her. She as 28 and recently married. I can't imagine what her family has gone through, what her husband has gone through. He lost his wife and his children all in a very short time.  My heart breaks for them. The blog they started for her is HERE. This is a video I watched before posting this. 

 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." - Revelation 21:4

Riley & Peyton mommy loves you so much. I'm sure that Leslie is up there with her beautiful twins and you are all blissfully happy every day. This makes me smile. I want nothing but smiles and love for you my babies. I will always always always wish you were with me but one day I will be complete and we will be a family in Heaven. Hug each other tight for me until I get there.

Life is full of costumes....

Halloween..... I don't really do much for Halloween I'm not one of those die hard adults totally in love with the holiday. I never really was a huge fan. I mean sure I dressed up some when I was a kid and even a bit when I was in college for parties but was never something I was fully engaged and massively excited about or anything.

Pumpkin I carved of Wario (with the face I used a stencil)

This year all I wanted to do around Halloween was go do Haunted Houses. I won tickets a couple years ago and we went to them and they were so fun. I have to admit I like to be scared - love me a good horror movie (mind you not gory gross horror movie but creepy one like Halloween or Paranormal Activity). So we went on Saturday and it was a lot of fun. It amuses me how fear has no prejudice - small people tall people heavy people or skinny there were plenty of people there that were scared. It was quite amusing. They made me jump a few times - awesome sets and awesome costumes. It was a good time. Then we went and had some dinner. And even with eating out (Outback has a lovely feature on their site that tells you the nutritional info for all their meals so I knew how many points I was eating!!) I lost 2 lbs. this week :) I have now lost 6.8 lbs. in three weeks I am pretty darn proud of myself :)

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I found out on Friday that my doctor was NOT going to be able to do my HSG (dye test on my uterus) this month because all appointments were taken. This made me very mad at first until I spoke to my doctor today and he told me all the medicine he is putting me on I wouldn't be able to take until my next cycle anyways. SO tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get the prescriptions for the medicines so that when my next cycle comes in a month I can start the medicine and get the HSG done and then I'll be good to go. So given I realized that this month was going to be a no go for TTC anyways I figure I'm not losing out on any chances like I first thought I was. Thank goodness for small blessings. That calmed me down.

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Halloween has me thinking how life is full of costumes.... masks that we all wear. There are those that never wish to show their feelings. Constantly wearing their creepy Joker masks with their over exaggerated smiles that never seem quite right. Others that have masks that change as the day goes on or as situations arise. Maybe happy, maybe sad, angry, or whatever may arise. I would rather someone have a changing mask - rather have a bit of honesty in the world of emotion. I'm sick of feeling like having emotion and crying or being angry means that I am weird. I have a right to be sad - I'm not in ANY way letting grief run my life! However, give a girl a break! If I have moments that are hard for me - or if any BLMs have moments that are hard - please do not patronize us with comments like "time heals all wounds" or "everything will be okay" because you know what to all you "JOKERS" out there - time will NOT heal this - this is a pain that will never go away. We will get used to grief's presence in our lives but it will not magically heal. And nothing is OKAY about losing your children. NOTHING IS OK ABOUT THAT.... sure I survived - but that does NOT make it okay. I find it sort of cryptic and odd that people think that these comments will cure any sadness. If anything they may turn sadness to anger but that is neither here nor there....sure doesn't help....

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Sometimes when I am alone in the living room typing or turning the lights off to go to bed I feel as though I am not alone. Not in like a creepy sort of way. In a way that this small amount of peace is present in the room. I like to think that peace is my babies saying it's okay momma don't worry about us...have sweet dreams - we love you. It may just be the holy spirit. God's way of chilling me out sometimes before I go to sleep. giving me some peace. But I it makes me smile to think it's my babies...and I am okay with believing that. Speaking of my sweet Riley and Peyton - I have added their angel plaques to the wall with our wedding photos on it (in our living room) - our family wall.....

In conclusion I am satisfied to wear my many masks. To keep my honest emotions. I am satisfied to live my life through my grief journey bearing my pain as it comes. I have no need to wear a joker mask. Sure I may sometimes answer "good" when someone asks me how I am but I refuse to walk through life with a forced smile. That is not and has not ever been who I am. I hid my emotions through some very hard times in my past and it did nothing but make things worse. I also am trying VERY hard to not "feel bad" when I tell someone what happens and they are shocked. When they seem hurt or mad at themselves for asking, etc. I am learning that this is not my fault - someone asks I explain - I do it in a kind way I don't blurt out "I have two dead babies" or anything that horrible. But I explain my miscarriages. My babies deserve to have their story told. They are as real to me as anything else in my life. Their lives on Earth consist only of my words as their souls left this Earth far too soon. I recently ordered a butterfly baby necklace from MidnightOrange on Etsy (she also made the sculpture in my left hand column) I saw pictures today and I am looking forward to getting it. I told my husband today that it is sad to have to buy a beautiful necklace because you have two dead babies. there's nothing good about that...but nontheless I am glad that I will have the necklace. I just saw the other "feeling blue" one on her site thought I would post that picture too....

My butterfly baby necklace <3 Riley & Peyton <3

Her necklace titled "Feeling blue"

Goodnight Riley & Peyton. Thank you for helping me meet these other women who share this experience of grief with me. Thank you for giving me perspective and for making me realize how fragile life is and how much we should cherish those that we have with us on Earth. I love you both so much. Be good to each other. Take care of each other. I miss you more than my words could ever express...there are not enough tears for the pain that losing you both has brought me...but I am glad you are happy in Heaven. Glad that you have each other. Happy that I know one day I will be with you. Nothing will compare to that day. We will be a complete family. I think of you every day....thank you for your small moments of peace in the quietness... Mommy and daddy love you so much!