Good enough...

It's been one of those days off and on.... one of those days where everything seems bleak. Where I feel like if I talk about Riley & Peyton my whole body may burst from all the tears. This is not to say that I have been sitting around in a depressive heap - I have not - I was quite busy cleaning and doing dove pictures. But still.... just one of those days.

In Dead Baby Land we all go through this. So I'm sure those in DBL with me "get" what I am saying. For those that aren't there... I doubt you can get it. You probably never will, which is okay but please refrain from worrying about me or judging my grief. I'm a strong chick. I'm doing just fine but some days are hard.

On days like today it astounds me that the world just keeps on spinning. That through the grief and horror and loss in so many people's lives... life doesn't stop. Should it? It would be nice if it did. It would be nice if I could take a break from the mundane crap that I don't care about. It would be nice if the dishes could wash themselves, the laundry cleaned itself, and dinner was cooked by someone other than me. That would be nice. Would it make my pain lessen? Of course not. Will anything? I highly doubt it.

I love Lifetime movies. I just do. I was watching one today called "Where are my children?" The main premise... a woman has to go to jail for some stupid nonsense for 3 months. Well when she gets out she finds out her kids have been kidnapped. They were 8 months, 5 years and 8 years old. She has another son years later and then when he is college he dies in a car accident! HORRIBLE RIGHT? She did FINALLY find all of her children though. Well the whole time all I can think is I could look forever too and ya know what? I would never find my children either. I know where they are, I know they are watching but.... I will never find them. Not in this lifetime. Not on Earth.

I think sometimes... for me anyways... that after good days with no sadness and no tears... a sad day with lots of emotion is bound to pop up. Bound to rear it's ugly head. To drag me down a little. Do I survive? Of course. Will there be better days? God willing. Will my emotions drag me down again? Sure. But I will live another day. I will live as many as God gives me. I try hard to see the positive. To see the good that has come from losing my angels. I have yet to be able to focus on that all that much. I know that losing Riley and Peyton has made me a more caring compassionate person. I know that it has helped me see how extremely fragile life is... how getting pregnant definitely isn't the hardest part. Especially not for me. Not for other BLMs.

I would like my life to be a Lifetime movie. I want that ending. I want to trudge through all the crap in my life... the depression, the cutting, that jerks I dated, the horrible jobs, the awful landlords, going through 11 cars in 11 years, getting evicted, having a miscarriage, losing my job/being unemployed, having another miscarriage... (and way too much more) Now that I have gone through all that I would like my happy ending. Something POSITIVE. But you know what? it's one of those days.... the ones we have all had - where I get to thinking. Hmmm what did I do to earn this crap in my life. Had I done this or that differently would this not have happened? If I wasn't so overweight would I have a screaming baby in my arms instead of a laptop? Am I being punished for something? These nonsense remarks just fly through my head. I don't really think that I could have done anything differently. Nor do I believe that I am being punished. I believe that God knew Riley & Peyton were leaving me far too soon probably when I was a baby. Do I still beat myself up for being so overweight and fear that being a culprit? Absolutely. Even though I have seen PLENTY of women have children who were FAR larger then I am... I still think it. Hopefully next month everything will get back on track. I will have my HSG (dye test to see is my uterus has a septum or anything that would need repairing) and then they have checked all that they can until I am pregnant again.

My husband has an interview tomorrow for a job. It would help us a ton if he were to get it. Help take some pressure off my lack of job situation. I'll still need to sub of course but it would just be a very positive change. I am PRAYING my butt off about it but also praying that the insurance is good and that it's either instantaneous if he's hired or only a month later. If I had to wait 3 months to TTC it would not make me happy AT ALL. We shall see... anyways though. Keep us in your prayers if you could. I would really appreciate it.

Sorry for the sort of bummer post. Had to get it out so that I could sleep and not have all these thoughts jumbled in my brain. If you read all this - thank you - it truly means a lot.
 


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Riley and Peyton momma loves you so much. I think about you every single day and carry you in my heart always. I love you just as much as any mother can love a child. I love you for eternity. No one can ever take that love away from me. You live through me my sweet babies. I love you so very very much. I saw a little baby today that sat near us at church. She was probably not much older than you would have been Riley if you had been born. She was precious - as I know you are. It was all I could do to not cry. All I could do to gain my composure... I wish you were both here with me. I know that Peyton would never have been conceived if you had not died Riley. But logical talk like that means nothing to me. I still wish you were both with me. I love you more than words could ever express... You live through me...