Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I feel somewhat alienated lately... detached. Lately I have either been over emotional (for no freaking reason) which makes me feel like a crazy person OR just blahhhh. Not a whole lot of anything.

I need a change. I need a jolt (please everyone this does not mean I want you to electrocute me). I need something. I wish I knew what that was....

I am in desperate need to lose weight but honestly with this blah/alienated/detached feeling lately exercise isn't gonna happen. Sure I have my Kinect and what not which is certainly a more fun way to exercise but I still have to have the will to DO SOMETHING (I am SO not the type to exercise in front of other people - probably never will be). It's so frustrating. I have lost 20 lbs. but honestly it took so freaking long (since November or so) that it's hard for me to be excited about that. I did weight watchers a 4 or 5 years ago and I lost 75 lbs. or so in 8 months. So 20 lbs. in 5 months pretty much sucks in comparison.

But I'm not that same girl as I was 4 or 5 years ago obviously. Not even close. I am a shell of that girl if anything. Sadly a significantly larger shell. I gained all that weight back in 2 years basically! How sad is it that they say it is easier to gain weight when you are comfortable in a relationship (no I'm not making excuses that's just what they "say") and then here I am now overweight again and grieving my children. Do I really need MORE to be sad about on top of my loss? Nope - not at all!

I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF THIS and start working my a** off! I'm sick of this and I'm sick of the way I look... I'm just sick.... and I'm so done with feeling like this...

Monday, March 21, 2011

Better to have loved and lost ?

"It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all"

Easier to believe if you haven't experienced such loss. That is for sure...

While I see the wisdom in that saying I also know that each and every one of us would take back our loss in a second. Would do almost ANYTHING to have our children back. Do I wish Riley and Peyton never existed at all? OF COURSE NOT! I know they are my children and I know they are safe and happy in Heaven and that gives me peace. But I wish for them to be with me... I always will.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my post from yesterday. I appreciate the outpouring of love more than you could ever know.

I know that I will always feel this pain, always feel this stab in my heart when people announce they are pregnant. I will always have tears come to my eyes when I receive a baby shower invite in the mail. No two ways around it. The pain of such heartbreak will never go away. Maybe it will dull in time but it will never fully be gone.

Someday when I am pregnant again I do not plan to hide it. I'm not going to scream it from the roof tops but I plan to announce it on my blog and tell all close friends and family. I have dealt with the heartbreak of telling people who knew I was pregnant that I lost Riley and then when no one knew about Peyton I told the people who didn't know. You know what? IT SUCKED. It was awful BOTH TIMES. It made no difference. I am not the sort to hide the truth and now that I know that either way is equally awful I plan to celebrate my future pregnancies for as long as I can. I will pray of course that there will be no more loss but I do not want to hide it when it comes the time.  I can not sit back and pretend that these pregnancies did not happen, nor can I sit back and be quiet about a new life growing in me when the time comes. Telling people will not save or doom a pregnancy but you know what it will do? It will have that child in more people's prayers. And THAT is all I can hope for.... a new life, with many prayers behind it.

Sadly even telling people, even announcing it will never be carefree as it is for so many. It will never be easy or full of pure joy. There will always be a coating of worry, of absolute terrified worry. I will have to trust at that time, have faith that God's will is for my baby to live. That is all that I can do. Have faith and take care of myself and my pregnancy....when that time comes I will do just that.

I am so thankful for every single one of my readers. Thank you for your love. I read a ton of blogs and I don't always comment but trust me you all mean so very much to me! I leave you with these two songs by a band that I love.... Jars of Clay. Take a few minutes to listen to them. They are beautiful.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The life of a grieving mother

It has been a hectic week. I was glad for that though because it made it easier to survive Peyton's due date (3/16/11), easier to be busy and unable to dwell on all the sadness of the day. That was a blessing.

This weekend had been good - still is I suppose - just had an off moment today. My husband's birthday was yesterday and on Friday and Saturday we celebrated and went out and got him free meals (Denny's, Moe's, Red Robin's) and went to the movies (Limitless & Adjustment Bureau - both were good but Limitless was fantastic!) and had a good time out with friends last night. I was exceptionally saddened though to hear of my sweet BLM friend's loss. She has now lost her second little one. Little Bee will be forever missed and it now with Valentina in Heaven. I am so devastated for her and she is in my prayers.

This morning I woke up far too tired but got up and ready for church. We arrived, found seats, and I was looking through the bulletin and saw that there was a sheet to fill out for memorial flowers. They do this every year for the Easter service and you can buy flowers in memory of someone that passed. I remember last year wishing that I had done that for Riley but we had stayed out of church for a month or so as I did not feel physically or emotionally ready to deal with those that did not know about Riley's passing. So we did not return in time to buy the flowers. So today I immediately decided I was doing this - and that was it - I filled out the sheet and the check and my sweet babies names will be in that bulletin. Everyone will read their names. They will know my sweet babies are loved.

I handled filling all that out gracefully - no tears - happy in having a way to remember my children. THEN the bomb was dropped. Our pastor announced that someone was pregnant. (Please realize I honestly AM so very happy for her I really am, it's just all so hard.) A friend of ours. A friend that I didn't even know was trying. Didn't even know they wanted children yet. A friend I am thrilled for but at the same time their joy immediately made me cry. I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. We go to a big church and I am bombarded by pregnant woman constantly. Many my age. Many who already have other children. Some who have many children and are younger than I am. I want children so bad and I have lost both of mine. People don't get it. If you have never lost a child YOU. DON'T. GET. IT.

There is no word to express the cruel nature of such loss. NO WORD TO ACCURATELY EXPRESS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE YOUR CHILDREN! There is physically no humanly possible way for me to EVER express to someone how gut wrenchingly awful it is. How it threatens to tear apart every fiber of your soul. How it is to see what you want most ripped from you TWICE within SIX MONTHS.... the awfulness is just impossible to explain.

This is my life. The life of a grieving mother. I don't believe it will ever be EASY to watch carefree pregnant women. That will never be easy for me. That will never be me. I am not part of that world. I never will be. That naive part of me is gone forever. Impossible to imagine me as that naive girl again. What would her world have been like? I will never know. That girl was not meant to be. There is no parallel universe where I am living somewhere happily bouncing my baby on my knee. I don't believe that. If I did it would be torture. Who would want to believe that? Nor do I believe that I am being punished and this is hell. I did nothing to deserve this. I don't think there is anything that anyone could do to deserve this... I believe there is a reason, and I may never know what that reason is. God had a plan. I will have a baby when I am meant to. I just wish there weren't so many baby bombs being dropped all over and blowing up in my face.

I survived. Came back in the room 10-15 mins. later. Sat down. Cried a little while listening to the rest of the sermon. Afterward I even found my friend and congratulated her. It was heartfelt. I really am happy. Just wish I had some happiness of my own in the same respect.

I just hope and pray that when that time DOES come that everyone I am close to handles it well. Happily. I will be upset if anyone has the gall to look scared that we can't financially support a child, etc. I. AM. NOT. WAITING. UNTIL. I. HAVE. MONEY. Money may "make the world go round" but it sure doesn't make a child's life better. Money doesn't buy happiness. I am not waiting because who knows what could happen. I want children. Hopefully more than one. And I will start trying when I can. If people plan to judge me they better get ready to see themselves OUT of my life. Judgements are not welcome here. Maybe I will wear that as a sign. Or get a shirt that says it.

Secretly I wish I could lock myself in a room until I am pregnant again. Sadly I doubt being pregnant will make any of these feelings go away. I think hearing baby news will always be hard, seeing pregnant bliss-filled woman will always be hard, getting invited to baby showers will always be hard. A pregnancy won't change that nor will a living baby on this Earth but sad feelings be damned. I want babies. I don't expect them to solve my lives problems. I just want to love them. And I will. I will love them here and in Heaven. For I will always have at least 2 children.

Their names are etched on my heart.

But there is room for more.....

Momma will always love you Riley & Peyton...

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Heaven is for Real

I finished reading the book "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. It is fabulous. I highly recommend it!

In the book Colton tells his parents that he was in Heaven (while getting a surgery performed) and they knew he was telling the truth through the many things that he could not have known.

The first part of the book that really really hit me was when he told he his dad that there were "lots of kids" there! Immediately cried... thinking of my sweet babies in Heaven. He also says later in the book that he met his sister and that she told him that she "died in her tummy" and that she didn't have a name because you never gave her one. She is waiting for her name.

I was bawling for those pages. I was so happy that I gave my babies names. So happy that even though I don't know if their gender they have names that work for a boy or a girl and they are in Heaven with names :)
This book was just extremely touching. My sister-in-law sent it to me and it was so incredibly sweet of her! I loved it.

 This girl is discussed in the book: Akiane Kramarik - she also says she has been to Heaven and at the age of 4 began speaking of it and is an artistic prodigy. In the book the dad shows his son the picture Akiane painted of Jesus at the age of 8 and the for the first time (after showing him various artistic representations of Jesus) Colton says Akiane's painting is what Jesus looks like. Here is the painting and below it is a video about Akiane.

On that note baby shower invites are flying at me from everywhere it seems. I can't do it - I just can't. Honestly I don't know if I will be able to do another baby shower until my own. I just don't know. It's so hard. It's not that I am angry at these woman. I really am not at all. It's jut hard for me to see people celebrating something that I have failed at twice. I KNOW it was not MY fault but it still feels like failure. There was no positive result sooo I failed. It sucks. And especially since both these woman are due so close to when I would have been. Peyton's due date was tomorrow :*(  As of tomorrow I have passed both child's due dates and Riley's angelversary. I will pass Peyton's angelversary without a baby in my arms. I pray that by then I am pregnant.

It makes me sad that I feel like I will receive negative looks or opinions when I get pregnant again. People will think we are not financially prepared, etc. Well you know what I have lost both my children! I am NOT going to sit around and wait to be financially prepared to try again! We do not control what happens in our bodies - it is God's will (in my opinion). If I am meant to have a child I will! I REFUSE to wait till we have a house, or great jobs, or ____ amount in savings! By then I could be too old to have children! I'm NOT going to do it! If I have a baby then God will provide a way for us to provide for our baby.

I have been helping my cousin pack up her house this week. Mainly watching and playing with her two children who are the sweetest kids in the world. I love them SO much! I still remember when I drove to her house all alone after finding out I had lost Peyton. I cried for a minute and then had to stop myself because I didn't want her oldest to ask me why I was crying. I just hugged and kissed them both and silently prayed for God to help me keep it together. Silently prayed that I would one day have my own beautiful children. I still pray that prayer daily. Pregnancies and babies seem to be everywhere. People who have many children are pregnant. It's hard for that to not hurt a little. I'm not asking for a football team of children but a couple would be lovely. I just hope that is meant to be. Due dates are hard. But living every day without my babies is always hard... these dates are just harder.

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I will try to fix you"

Fix you - Coldplay

"i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on"

I Grieve - Peter Gabriel


Momma misses you every day Riley & Peyton!

Monday, March 7, 2011


Today as I was driving the sun was beginning to set in the sky and as I looked up at the electrical lines they glistened. They were wet from the melting snow and the suns rays were turning them to pure gold. They were shining as if they the streets were lined in Christmas lights. The sun was decorating my world right in front of me.

It was for only a moment but what a beautiful moment it was....

I hope and pray for more beautiful moments. To let the sun decorate my world everyday. My life needs a little more glistening...

Friday, March 4, 2011

All is quiet... and I should be asleep...

I was reading a dear friend's blog tonight (or this morning given it is 4 am and I have yet to sleep) and she mentioned how she talks to her baby. I talk to my babies too... she inspired this post.

It's moments like this in the silence...when all the world around me is sleeping that I talk to my babies. Sometimes this happens in daytime when I am home alone. Often though it is at night when I am in a restless state of knowing that I should be sleeping but my body is fighting me. Most times when I talk to Riley & Peyton is when I am having a hard time. I tell them how much I love them and that I will never forget them. I ask them to bring me peace, to send their momma LOTS of love. I tell them I miss them and I wish they were here with me. I tell them I wish I was restless because they were crying or hungry or just needed to be held.

I mentioned in my blog awhile back how I loved this sculpture. A dear BLM sent it to me within a week or so after that post. I cherish it and can't thank Tiffany enough. She is a wonderful woman and I hope she knows how very much it means to me!  It makes me smile to think that there are angels holding my babies. They need to be held and since I can't hold them the image of someone holding them brings me peace. I look at this sculpture every day. I am thankful for that peace.

I was talking to one of my BLM friends the other day through email (we email each other a lot and I love that) and we were talking about how badly the majority of people handle speaking to us about our loss. I'm sure there is a book out there somewhere that tells people what NOT to say to someone who has experienced a loss. Well there should be one for what NOT to say to someone who has lost a child. People DON'T get it. For those Sci-fi lovers out there (Emily & Jamie :) hehe) I wish we could do what they do on the Matrix. Ya know? Hook people up to a machine and teach them in SECONDS what it is like to be us. What it is like to go through this. Or at least how to shut the heck up and think before they speak.

A few things NOT to say for those who don't know....
*You should be happy your babies are in Heaven
*Everything will be fine next time
*I know someone who had 6 miscarriages and then had 4 children
*You'll be fine
*At least it happened early
*I guess it wasn't meant to be
*It will get better in time
*Don't think about it so much
*Just forget it happened

and so on and so forth. I'm sure I could write endless pages filled with the stupidity that pours from people's mouths that they seem to think is wisdom....

For those of you out there that have said any of these idiotic things - we BLMs understand that society teaches us nothing about this tragedy or how to handle it. We appreciate that you even have the guts to speak up and say anything. But in the future... maybe just ask us how we are and listen... that'll go a long way...

If you have never heard it "Held" is a beautiful song by Natalie Grant. If you haven't take a chance to listen to it....

"The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off. How can I? LIGHT UP THE DARKNESS" - Will Smith quoting Bob Marley in the movie 'I am Legend'

It is now 4:30 am.... I should go to bed....

Riley & Peyton momma loves you very much. Peyton your due date would have been 12 days from now. And that day will make momma's heart a little heavy. I hope that this surgery was successful and that we can welcome a little brother and/or sister to the world in 2012. I think of you both always and will love you forever.
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