Monday, November 29, 2010

For goodness sake!

For those that read this that know me in real life I apologize for the over share....

But for once in a really long time I want dumb AF to start already!!!!!!!!!!! It should have started on or around Friday! GRRRR - it needs to come so I can schedule my Hystersopingogram (they shoot dye into my uterus to see if there are any issues such as a septum that can be removed, etc.) and then if all is well we can TTC again! So SERIOUSLY let's get a move on AF - I know I will feel like crap and want to crawl into a ball with a heating pad when it does come but I need it to come NOW.

AHHHHHHH! For once AF being late is NOT fun! Honestly we have been trying NOT to get pregnant until this surgery so it's pretty impossible that I am pregnant - I mean I know that all protection is not perfect - but you get what I mean it would be pretty darn shocking if I was PG. Soooo again I say AF ---- LET'S GO!

On a completely different note - I am subbing the next two days for SECOND GRADE! ahhhhhhhh - I love little kids - trust me - but 30 of them in one room that cannot keep themselves busy mixed with not the greatest lesson plans can be SO not fun. I am doing this for two different teachers - so the chances of having at least one day not be well planned by the teacher is quite possible. Here's hoping it all goes well. Friday I am a high school art teacher and I KNOW the teacher so I am positive that will be very well planned :)

Also my husband has STILL not heard whether he got the job he interviewed for or not. It was through a recruiter so if the recruiter knew anything she would tell him so 2 weeks later he still has no idea! If he DOES get it this also adds more urgency to AF coming because I need to get this surgery while we still have insurance!

Sooooo the main point is LETS! GO! AF!   S E R I O U S L Y  !!!!!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

(On top of spaghetti) ALL COVERED WITH CRAP :*(

I spoke to someone today at my friend's bridal shower who is also a jobless teacher. We were discussing the perils of not being able to obtain a permanent teaching degree in the stupid state of New York. EVERYONE who goes to school to be a teacher in New York STAYS HERE! Therefore there are 165+ applicants for EVERY job!

So she tells me that she heard that if you run out of extensions you have to go BACK to school and take another 18 credits worth of classes. SO after paying thousands and thousands of dollars for my AA, BA, and MA that I am ALREADY massively in debt for  I would have to pay even MORE freaking money to go BACK to school! Simply because our economy sucks so much that no teachers will RETIRE! How is that fair? I would love to know! If you are any other form of unemployed person you don't have to go back to school and pay tons of money to get the certification that you d*mn well earned!! It's ridiculous!

In NYS you need a Bachelors degree (in my case in Art Education) and you get fingerprinted to get your INITIAL certificate - once you obtain this you have only FIVE years to get 3 years of teaching experience AND your Master's degree. If that five years runs out (as mine did) then you can get 3 one year extensions (these cost $50 EACH) - my third and last extension will be in August. SO as of August 2012 my certification may be gone....

To get a PERMANENT teaching certificate in NYS you need to have:
** you have to pass the LAST (Liberal Arts and Science Test basically tests on ALL general knowledge)
** you have to pass the ATS-W (tests you on teaching questions - how to handle certain situations, etc.)
** you have to pass the CST (Content Specialty Test) in Art
(each of the above tests is around $175 I believe)
** you have to take special classes on: Fire Prevention, Drug and Alcohol and Child Abuse
**  you have to teach for three years (ONE of these years must be "mentored") - substitute teaching DOES count but it wouldn't count towards my year that needs to be mentored!

I HAVE EVERYTHING I need EXCEPT all the teaching experience. I have only taught 1 year and 3 months. So I still need 1 year and 6 months of experience. ALSO the one year WAS mentored but I don't have the proof.

So to hear that because our economy is so bad none of these freaking old teachers will retire means that I may have to pay a crap load of MORE money makes me want to SCREAM! Like I literally want to punch the crap out of something! It's sooo unfair. At least when you spend thousands and thousands to become a doctor or lawyer you actually make GOOD money when you get a job. With teaching it takes a LONG time to make good money. So it will take a VERY long long long time and a good amount of my monthly income to pay for my school loans and on top of that to find out MORE could be added to them is just unthinkable right now!

It is truly beyond horrible to have had such a bad year full of expensive money eating car repairs, surgery and doctors bills due to my two miscarriages, losing my job and having far LESS money than the low amount we had before then due to being on unemployment, and on top of all of this bull now I have to worry for the next 1 1/2 years that I may lose my teaching certificate and not even be able to substitute teach unless I spend a crap load more money to go back to school. SO unfair!

I HATE MONEY! And I hate NYS and their stupid certification rules! There should be a little d*mn leeway given the crap that is our economy. I'm so sick of everything going wrong and nothing going right! Why is life so easy for some people and it takes a huge crap on others?

Sorry to vent but I am so beyond annoyed right now. If you read all of this I thank you and I apologize for all the boring facts but along with the sadness of losing my babies, these boring facts and being poor are the facts of my life.

God please tell me it will get better......PLEASE!

Riley & Peyton momma loves you so much. I wish you were here. Please send me some love and some peace. Put a good word in for me because I'm praying that life will take a turn for the better real REAL soon! I LOVE YOU!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Beautiful Music

I wanted to write about my friends CDs. They put one out in 2007, did a concert in our area awhile after that and have now done a Christmas CD. Each CD is $10 and there is a $2 shipping fee. They are using the money gained from these sales to put towards the adoption of an Ethiopian child. They have three beautiful biological children also :) This is their blog: Foster Family Journey. Feel free to stop there and encourage them on their journey and let them know you headed over from Jessica Malloy's blog :) They would love the support! THIS post mentions the CD.They also have a  Facebook page.

The Fosters have been working towards this adoption for years and are finally at the top of the list! Here is the site to go to if you are interested in purchasing the CD - ALSO you can check out a couple full examples of the songs and some previews of the others. I forgot to mention that the couple that is adopting the child is my church's Assistant Pastor and his wife. :)


I feel as though I am at an impasse (definition: a situation that is so difficult no progress can get made or a road or passage having no exit). I was so easily upset today over a rather simple thing. But to be honest it meant something to ME! Should I take it so hard, should I take it so personal? No. Am I? Yes, of course, what don't I take personally lately?
Even worse I feel like if I explain the situation to anyone I know they will write it off as nothing. People don't GET the irrational nature of the emotions flowing through my body. I thought recently that I had been doing well lately. You know what I had been doing well. But as the hours pass by and the moments add up I realize how badly I needed to cry. To just sob uncontrollably. Was this stupid incident the main reason? Of course not. There are plenty and plenty of REASONS I broke down. Those little annoyances, you know the kind I mean? Well they add up. You know how when you were a kid and you would see piles of presents under the tree. Well I have a freaking pile of annoyances! For that past couple months they have just been building.

I wish I had a padded sound proof room. It doesn't need to be big. I just would love an area to go into and literally SCREAM and punch and kick... oh that would be so so so nice. I took my blog OFF of networking on Facebook. I'm SO sick of not being able to say what I really need to say because I am worried someone there may read it. Well if you are reading this and you know me in real life I hope and pray that you would not take anything personally. I HIGHLY doubt that many (if any) people from Facebook will take the time to look up the site and read my posts. Which is fine. I would rather they didn't. This blog is not for other people. It is not to help others understand the mind of a crazy emotion filled BLM. It is to help ME (the crazy emotion filled BLM). I did not start this blog to keep family and friends up to date on my struggles. Quite honestly I was proud of my ability to be so raw with my emotions. So truthful with my words. That was why I put it on there. But in retrospect. I think raw honesty about such pain makes other uncomfortable. I'm not here to make others uncomfortable. As a BLM I have enough of those moments myself. 

So if you know me in real life and you are choosing to read this then please stop reading if my blog makes you sad or uncomfortable. 

As I said this is for me. This community of BLMs has helped me more than any person (who is not a BLM) could EVER understand. We can relate to each others pain. We don't feel bad for venting to each other. We are there for each other with (virtual) hugs and encouragement. I wish I knew you all in real life. I said to another BLM today that I wish we all had a SAFE area. Where we could go when we needed each other. For instance one of you could just *POOF* show up and give me a hug and cray with me - if even for a minute. Other than maybe my husband I would never feel comfortable crying and talking about my pain with anyone. 

I don't want people to look at me like a glass that could be easily broken. While I AM like a glass I don't want to be viewed or treated with fake delicacy nor do I want to be judged for being delicate. I have my days where I wake up and feel strong and then I have my days where I mask my feelings with a strong facade. Nonetheless this blog is my safe zone. My area for me. I am so glad I have met so many wonderful BLMs through it. It doesn't bother me that people I know in real life read it but I just hope those that do never take offense to my words. Imagine if you typed out exactly how you were feeling. You may say things others don't fully like or understand too! 

Anyways.... everything kinda came at me today. The past 2 months or so these annoying moments have just been building up. I am sure over time I wrote about each of them in a blog when they happened. However when the people that upset you don't "get" that what they said or did was upsetting you can't adequately explain it to them so then it really just seems like that situation just sticks around because how do you "get over" something that you can't fix. Kinda like baby loss. You can't get over it because it's not a problem that can be solved. I should have a post "crap that makes me mad" LOL that would be a fun one! 

So basically this is at least the 3rd time that I have gotten extremely upset in regards to this situation. So this is my impasse. This is a group of people that made me mad are meant to be understanding and helpful (I'm not mad at any BLMs just to make that clear because they are also understanding and helpful) and  honestly they have only come off as cold, controlling, and completely uncaring since we lost Peyton. Some of these people I have known for YEARS and to realize the lack of caring involved in specifically ONE of the situations! This is also not family (just to make that clear). Sorry to be vague but there is the chance that someone could read this and I have gotten "calls" in regards to one of the situations and I in no way want any more calls or counseling or any such thing. 

In lieu of a whole post named things that annoy me - here are a few I can think of. 

* wanting to start a support group and being told that one on one works better. Well if I KNEW people who experienced baby loss I would talk to them but most don't walk up to strangers and admit such a thing.

* People telling me I should be "happy" my babies are in Heaven
* People saying (who have NEVER gone through this) that the pain will "get better in time"
* The lady who blew up balloons for Riley's balloon release telling me that she had lost "3 or 4 or something like that but you'll have more and you'll be fine" - wow NOW I feel better
* My friend saying she understood when I said I wanted to scream if I see one more pregnant woman (she is TTC and has NEVER lost a child)
* People saying "you can still have more children" 
* and so so many more things

May I say that as I went to post this I was watching my DVR'd Ellen episode (11/24) and she showed clips from when she had celebrities go out and do hilarious pranks on people - it made me laugh so hard. So at least I can end this with a smile :) 

If you made it through the whole post thank you SO much! :0)

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so much!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Me singing "Unredeemed" at church

This is me singing "Unredeemed" by Selah at church. One of my friends did the backup vocals :)
Hope you like it. Those visiting from ICLW feel free to check out one of my posts from the last couple days. Today I will be posting this and maybe some ornaments I painted so not much reading ;)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Happy ICLW

Hello to those stopping by for ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week - see the button in my right column) and of course to my fabulous loyal readers :)
Those visiting: I have two other blogs related to baby loss. Heaven's Doves where I make photos for baby loss survivors and Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art - where I make memorial art for baby loss parents. 

I mentioned my Christmas ornaments a couple posts ago. You can now view the various choices HERE and fill out the order form HERE. I hope to be offering pre-painted ones that can be purchased as they are and/or have an added name/date customization :)

For those dropping in I am a mother to two angels. Riley we lost at 6-7 weeks on 2/11/10 and Peyton we lost at 10+ weeks on 8/19/10 three days after seeing the heartbeat for the third time. Far too much loss for a lifetime let alone within 6 months! I have gone to a specialist and supposedly I am "normal" and they can find no cause for why I would be having miscarriages. But I think it's rather obvious I am not normal - this isn't a NORMAL thing to happen. I'm so sick of the world normal (check out yesterday's post for more on that).

I sang "Unredeemed" by Selah today with a friend at church. It went well. And unlike when I sang "I will carry you" (also Selah) I did not have to leave the sanctuary and ball my eyes out. Oh the difference a month and a half can make. WELL honestly I think if I were to ever sing "I will carry you again" it would make me cry. It's  literally ABOUT child loss so it's a bit different then "unredeemed" - I will post the recording with lyrics as soon as my friend makes it for me :)

My hair stylist told me the other day that when I did weight watcher's a few years ago I lost weight too quick and looked anorexic. I have NEVER looked anorexic a day in my life. Who looks anorexic at 170 lbs.? I didn't trust me. I have never been the skinny girl. Never been the pretty girl. I was always every guys friend. I was always just one of the guys. I was okay with that I guess but I always wanted to be pretty you know? I always wished that when I looked in the mirror I would one day see who I wanted to be smiling back. But maybe that is not meant to be... or maybe it will happen one day. I am not saying I have this warped view of myself and think I am incredibly ugly. I don't. There are pictures I like. But nowadays there are not many. If any at all. I see pictures and think I look far heavier than the 250 lbs. I do weigh. It would be bad enough if I looked like I weighed 250 but more than that is just disheartening. I am working at it again. But it's not easy.

weird angle but shows whole tattoo
Another thing was I was thinking again about how I had the comment about how my tattoo (for Riley & Peyton) will show while I am wearing my bridesmaids dress for my sister's wedding. I had it BEFORE she got engaged but she hates tattoos so she is not happy. Someone mentioned I could cover it up. Well I hope that she doesn't ask me that because it's on my SHOULDER. It won't be in pictures. It won't hurt anything. It's not a big deal! That is my permanent way of showing my love for my babies. I am not "covering up" my tattoo to show how much I love Riley & Peyton. I understand covering it up when I teach but not for a wedding. I hope she understands that because it will not be covered. The thought of even being asked hurts my feelings.

better angle - just wings
All I can think is that 2011 has to be better than 2010. Right? Well... my  biggest fear is that it may be worse. Isn't the saying "it could always be worse"? I don't want to even imagine worse. I don't want to ever have to handle worse. I want children. I love my sweet Riley & Peyton but I want children in my arms on Earth too. I want to be exhausted and have puke stained clothes.... I want it all if it means I get babies. My specialist warned me the fertility drug he is placing me on has a risk of multiples. I'm like really doctor bring it on - that would not make me mad in the least. I just pray the third times a charm and I can keep whatever babies I am blessed with this third time. When that third time happens I hope they can figure out how to keep it all going smoothly.

<3 Momma loves you Riley & Peyton <3

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sometimes "normal" is just too hard...

Today was a good day. Today I went dress shopping with my sister, two of her bridesmaids and my mom and my sis's future MIL. My sister recently got engaged to our intern pastor at our church. They have been dating since this past March. They are getting married Easter weekend 2011. I am beyond thrilled for her. Our bridesmaids dresses are super cute. Cotton with POCKETS *yippee* and extremely cute that I will TOTALLY wear again :) All I could think was well I HOPE I am pregnant by then but how does one know how to plan for that when I have to buy a dress in the next month? Geesh. My sister's dress by the way is also gorgeous. I was pleasantly surprised by the size I fit into. I grabbed a 24 because I'm like sizes probably run small. Tried it on - I was swimming in that thing! So 22 - same thing. So I figured a 20, my mom brings back a 20 and a 18 and I was like oh no the 18 will be too small this is what I wanted to avoid. I wanted to avoid feeling fat. I didn't want that, not today. But.... IT FIT! The 18 fit! I was shocked. Now mind you if I were to get pregnant a month or two from now THEN by April it would not fit.... but there is also the dilemma of if I DON'T get pregnant and keep losing 7-10 lbs. a month I will be significantly smaller in 5 months.... what to do.

Moving on... we ate at Olive Garden after we were done dress shopping. Went to use the bathroom. Out comes a hugely pregnant woman. UGH! Standing waiting for a table five minutes later ANOTHER hugely pregnant woman. I make the comment (not obnoxiously - just to my sis and two friends) "if I see another pregnant woman I am going to scream" my one friend says "huh, tell me about it!" and I was like no it's not the same thing you WANT to get pregnant but I have had two miscarriages it's not the same thing. And no one said anything.... people don't get it.

It's not even a bad night per se. I just wish I didn't have to look back on my day and go. Hmmm do people think I am selfish for mentioning my baby struggles? And I sit around sometimes and think --- are these people sick of hearing about my babies? Sick of hearing about my sadness? Do they hate me reminding them that it happened? Do they wish I just shut up and ACTED normal? Sometimes "normal" is too hard.... sometimes I don't know what normal is anymore. I mean I surely don't know what my NEW "normal" is....

I wish it was all easier... like those staple commercials like there was an EASY button. That if I pushed that button suddenly the world would understand what it feels like... what emotions all us BLMs go through. That people would finally GET IT! Now that wouldn't make everything all better. Nothing will make everything all better. But at least I wouldn't think I was being judged by everyone because no one would ever judge someone if they really knew what this was like. If they truly honestly understood what I was feeling... unless they were heartless - maybe then they would still judge. I'd like to hook people up to that machine in the movie the Matrix and instead of teaching someone a skill I would like to show them what this pain felt like. I don't think that's cruel really. I mean it's not like I want something bad to happen to them. But it would be interesting to go through this when everyone understood. Different, I don't know if it would be better, but definitely different. Is different better I don't know but I'm definitely more different than normal that is for sure...

"Some people wear their smiles like a disguise thoses people who smile alot watch their eyes I know cause I'm like that alot you think everythings ok and it is till its not."

I received my candle made by Michelle at "Audrey's Little Light" I won in her Faces of Hope giveaway. Here are a couple pictures :) It is beautiful and I love it! My brilliant husband had a wonderful idea too! We can burn it until it goes down an inch or two and then there will be room to put a tea light in there so that we can always burn it and keep it looking great! :) AWESOME idea!

"You won't see me surrender, you won't hear me confess, 'cause you left me with nothing, but I've worked with less..."

"Whenever I say something they find hard to hear, they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear."

"Taken out of context I must seem so strange."

"And I`m beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head. `Cuz some day you are gonna get hungry and eat most of the words you just said."

“I've been a long time coming, and I'll be a long time gone. You've got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long.”

“I know there is strength in the differences between us. I know there is comfort where we overlap.”

“When I look down, I miss all the good stuff when I look up, I just trip over things”

“The windows of my soul are made of one-way glass, don't bother looking into my eyes if there's something you want to know, just ask”

“Take me home. Take me home and leave me there. Think I'm gonna cry, don't know why. Think I'm gonna sing myself a lullaby. Feel free to listen. Feel free to stare.”

All the above quotes are by Ani Difranco so singer from Buffalo who I really like....     

Riley and Peyton I love you. I'll be singing at church for you tomorrow my sweet babies. I hope you can hear me. Momma and Daddy miss you so very much.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Multiplication of Grief

If you are a dreamer, come in, if you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer... If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire. For we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in! 
"Invitation" by Shel Silverstein


I apologize in advance as this post will probably be all over the place. But hey give a girl a break - 90% I wrote while substituting (we were watching the SAME movie in all three classes, so for me...BORING)!


So I just finished reading "Charlie St. Cloud" very good book - don't have high hopes for the movie - it's already messed up that Zac Efron's character in the book is supposed to be in this 30's!!! Either way the BOOK was very good - here is a quote I think will really resonate with BLMs...

Charlie -"I miss that feeling when you go to sleep at night and when you wake up in the morning. It's the feeling that everything is all right in the world. You know, that amazing feeling that you're whole, that you've got everything you want. that you aren't missing anything. Sometimes when I wake up I get it, just for a moment. It lasts a few seconds, but then I remember what happened, and how nothing has ever been the same since."
Tess - "You think that'll ever go away?"
Charlie-"I doubt it. Some days are better than others. You feels like it's gone and I'm just like everyone else. Then, without warning, it comes back and lodges in my mind. That's when I don't feel right being around anyone...I guess I never really know when it'll hit me. It's like the weather. Blue sky one day, thunder and rain the next."


"That is the inescapable math of tragedy and the multiplication of grief. Too many good people dies a little when they lose someone they love. One death begets two or twenty or one hundred. It's the same all over the world." - from the book Charlie St. Cloud


The inescapable math of tragedy and the multiplication of grief.... hmm. Definitely inescapable. As for that feeling that nothing is missing and your life is whole. That's gone. That's for sure. Those two quotes just really really hit me....


I don't think there is a way to fully explain the magnitude of such a loss. No way to fully express the weight of grief that is placed on your heart. The words in the English language could never completely bring to mind the gravity of such a awful experience. That is why I believe it is impossible for one to understand child loss unless they have gone through it too. Mind you there are plenty of people out there that can sympathize and far more than those people are the idiots who think it;s nothing to be upset about. These are the sorts that say things such as "well you can try again", "it'll get better in time", "don't let it upset you so much", "try to think about your babies less" or "this isn't healthy you should be 'normal' by now". THOSE sorts deserve a swift punch in the face. Luckily I have not dealt with many of these sorts (in person anyways).


I often feel like I am a walking fragile glass vase. Just waiting to be dropped again. Waiting for another tragedy to strike. To break apart the pieces of me that I have managed to glue back together. I am already a shadow of my former self. A shell if you will. With time I am sure I will appear more & more 'normal' & daft people will assume I have put Riley & Peyton behind me. They OF COURSE will be wrong. Losing them was not a bad dream it was a real life nightmare. I will never forget them! My blog is networked on Facebook but I am sure there are not many who read it (other than of course all you fabulous other BLMs). Which is fine it's not for them, it's for me. Sometimes I think I might take it off networking on Facebook. One day maybe I will. I have nothing to hide by any means, I think I have made that quite clear. More than anything I feel that people think that since it's networked I want attention. This is just not true. I don't wan to be pitied of anything of the sort, I just want to get my thoughts out on paper to get them out of my head.


There are days when I am home that I try to avoid the mirror. Trying to avoid seeing the sadness in my eyes. I can see the loss - because I know it's there. I fear there is more to come. When your worst nightmares have come true their isn't much more to do then pray things will get better. At the same time of course all I think about it that there could be more loss in the future. That will always be my new nightmare. that this present horror will never end, or that there will be a brief break and another loss will crash down on me.


Heaven's Doves has been gaining in popularity since I started a Facebook page. It has become very popular over the past week or so since I started it.  Currently the page has 58 "likes". Many of these people have not even requested doves yet *gasp*! I have been keeping up but with the holiday orders and such I may get rather behind.... hopefully not!

My Memorial Art store on the other hand has had no sales. I plan to add ornaments and magnets to my items. I have found butterflies, a dragonfly, and Christmas ornaments that I will custom paint.  I am thinking of selling them for $7 with free shipping. Here are so UNpainted ones that I have. Use your imagination - I am a very detailed painter..... If there is one you see - OR - if there is a shape you would like me to look for let me know!

ceramic snowflake
ceramic Christmas circle ornament

Teddy bear

Christmas stripe ornament

Circle ornament/magnet

Gingerbread man







Well now I am balling because I just finished Nights in Rodanthe - so so sad.


"One must never be in haste to end a day; there are far to few of them in a lifetime." ~Dale Coman

"If you don't believe in yourself, happiness will always be just out of your reach" ~ from the movie Handel's Last Chance that we watched in class today.


Riley & Peyton I miss you so much. My heart aches for you and my heart and arms feel empty. I love you so so much. Goodnight my angels.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Giveaway Winners!!!!!


Winner #1 - Angel plaque


You can find Kara's blog about her angels Julia and Evan here:

This is her Heaven's Dove photo :)

Winner # 1 - Kara

Winner # 2 - Bracelet
 Melissa :)

You can find her blog about her angel Laken here:

This is her Heaven's Doves photo :)

Congratulations to you both :) Please go HERE and fill out the appropriate form :)

Thanks to all who participated!! If I had unlimited time and resources I wish I could make you all winners!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Cheers & Jeers #3

CHEERS to all the Holiday ideas of all the fabulous blogs out there :)

Here are a few:
Face of loss, Faces of Hope – Facebook giveaway

JEERS to people with Christmas decorations up and all the stores playing Christmas music already! ONE HOLIDAY AT A TIME PEOPLE! Can you please celebrate Thanksgiving before you fast forward to Christmas! Geesh.

CHEERS to GLEE featuring Gwenyth Paltrow! She has such a great voice. I saw her in the movie Duets – it's about karaoke contests (I happen to LOVE LOVE LOVE karaoke)

While it hasn't aired yet I am SUPER excited to see it tomorrow night!

JEERS to ABC for being a bunch of MORONS and canceling the new TV show “The Whole Truth”after only airing 5 freaking episodes! They say that there have not been enough viewers.... well you gave people FIVE episodes for goodness sake! The least you can do is let them complete the season... it was my FAVORITE new show this year. NOT HAPPY AT ALL! Supposedly they are letting them film the next 8 episodes but they may not air – totally illogical! Even more illogical is they are replacing them with stupid reality shows. I'm so not happy – AT ALL!

CHEERS to the fabulous new Microsoft invention KINECT! I'm super psyched to get this sometime soon I HOPE! Check out the video below – it is a little boy with his family trying out Dance Central (one of the games) it is SOOOO cute!

JEERS to Heidi and Spencer Pratt now renewing their vows. First they eloped in Mexico, then got married on The Hills, she filed for divorce in July, and now this is their “real” wedding for “them”! UGH – seriously who cares! It's bad enough the girl has had like over 20 plastic surgery procedures done and we had to hear about that... geesh. NO ONE CARES ABOUT “SPEIDI”

CHEERS to Joel McHale! I have always thought he was hilarious on The Soup but he definitely made that obvious to way more people when Community first aired! There are so many hilarious episodes. The paintball one was definitely my favorite though! Reminded me of Left for Dead (a computer/video game me and my husband love)

JEERS to Sarah Palin and her new reality show "Sarah Palin's Alaska". The few that did take her seriously won't anymore. Some articles say it may help her gain fans if she runs in 2012. We shall see I suppose. Also it annoys the crap out of me that the woman's hair is perfect no matter what is she doing! In the one preview while skeet shooting her daughter tells her to "take her prom hair and go home" - THAT is pretty funny.

CHEERS  to Kristin Wigg on SNL for her HILARIOUS skit playing Paula Deen – it's SO funny! Whether you like Paula Deen or not – SO FUNNY! I love the way she says oil (she pronounces it more like OWL hehe) and when she shows the pic of her husband and calls him “Santalicious” haha! So much other stuff. So watch the video it's only a couple minutes long! IT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH TRUST ME! We all need a good laugh!

Thanks for joining me on my third edition of Cheers & Jeers
(If you missed the last two: #1 is here and #2 is here)

ALSO! You have until Wed. evening to comment on my GIVEAWAY!

Good enough...

It's been one of those days off and on.... one of those days where everything seems bleak. Where I feel like if I talk about Riley & Peyton my whole body may burst from all the tears. This is not to say that I have been sitting around in a depressive heap - I have not - I was quite busy cleaning and doing dove pictures. But still.... just one of those days.

In Dead Baby Land we all go through this. So I'm sure those in DBL with me "get" what I am saying. For those that aren't there... I doubt you can get it. You probably never will, which is okay but please refrain from worrying about me or judging my grief. I'm a strong chick. I'm doing just fine but some days are hard.

On days like today it astounds me that the world just keeps on spinning. That through the grief and horror and loss in so many people's lives... life doesn't stop. Should it? It would be nice if it did. It would be nice if I could take a break from the mundane crap that I don't care about. It would be nice if the dishes could wash themselves, the laundry cleaned itself, and dinner was cooked by someone other than me. That would be nice. Would it make my pain lessen? Of course not. Will anything? I highly doubt it.

I love Lifetime movies. I just do. I was watching one today called "Where are my children?" The main premise... a woman has to go to jail for some stupid nonsense for 3 months. Well when she gets out she finds out her kids have been kidnapped. They were 8 months, 5 years and 8 years old. She has another son years later and then when he is college he dies in a car accident! HORRIBLE RIGHT? She did FINALLY find all of her children though. Well the whole time all I can think is I could look forever too and ya know what? I would never find my children either. I know where they are, I know they are watching but.... I will never find them. Not in this lifetime. Not on Earth.

I think sometimes... for me anyways... that after good days with no sadness and no tears... a sad day with lots of emotion is bound to pop up. Bound to rear it's ugly head. To drag me down a little. Do I survive? Of course. Will there be better days? God willing. Will my emotions drag me down again? Sure. But I will live another day. I will live as many as God gives me. I try hard to see the positive. To see the good that has come from losing my angels. I have yet to be able to focus on that all that much. I know that losing Riley and Peyton has made me a more caring compassionate person. I know that it has helped me see how extremely fragile life is... how getting pregnant definitely isn't the hardest part. Especially not for me. Not for other BLMs.

I would like my life to be a Lifetime movie. I want that ending. I want to trudge through all the crap in my life... the depression, the cutting, that jerks I dated, the horrible jobs, the awful landlords, going through 11 cars in 11 years, getting evicted, having a miscarriage, losing my job/being unemployed, having another miscarriage... (and way too much more) Now that I have gone through all that I would like my happy ending. Something POSITIVE. But you know what? it's one of those days.... the ones we have all had - where I get to thinking. Hmmm what did I do to earn this crap in my life. Had I done this or that differently would this not have happened? If I wasn't so overweight would I have a screaming baby in my arms instead of a laptop? Am I being punished for something? These nonsense remarks just fly through my head. I don't really think that I could have done anything differently. Nor do I believe that I am being punished. I believe that God knew Riley & Peyton were leaving me far too soon probably when I was a baby. Do I still beat myself up for being so overweight and fear that being a culprit? Absolutely. Even though I have seen PLENTY of women have children who were FAR larger then I am... I still think it. Hopefully next month everything will get back on track. I will have my HSG (dye test to see is my uterus has a septum or anything that would need repairing) and then they have checked all that they can until I am pregnant again.

My husband has an interview tomorrow for a job. It would help us a ton if he were to get it. Help take some pressure off my lack of job situation. I'll still need to sub of course but it would just be a very positive change. I am PRAYING my butt off about it but also praying that the insurance is good and that it's either instantaneous if he's hired or only a month later. If I had to wait 3 months to TTC it would not make me happy AT ALL. We shall see... anyways though. Keep us in your prayers if you could. I would really appreciate it.

Sorry for the sort of bummer post. Had to get it out so that I could sleep and not have all these thoughts jumbled in my brain. If you read all this - thank you - it truly means a lot.

DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY GIVEAWAY! You have until Wed. night - there are 9 ways for each person to enter! :)

Riley and Peyton momma loves you so much. I think about you every single day and carry you in my heart always. I love you just as much as any mother can love a child. I love you for eternity. No one can ever take that love away from me. You live through me my sweet babies. I love you so very very much. I saw a little baby today that sat near us at church. She was probably not much older than you would have been Riley if you had been born. She was precious - as I know you are. It was all I could do to not cry. All I could do to gain my composure... I wish you were both here with me. I know that Peyton would never have been conceived if you had not died Riley. But logical talk like that means nothing to me. I still wish you were both with me. I love you more than words could ever express... You live through me...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Faces of Hope Giveaway! Comments accepted until the evening of Nov. 17th!

Welcome to my Faces of HOPE giveaway!!!

Ok so here's the deal. I wrote a Faces of HOPE story. Everyone will get 9 chances to enter!

This is a giveaway for an angel plaque for the first winner and a custom bracelet for the second winner!
(If you would rather not have an angel plaque or bracelet you may choose something of equal or lesser value from my store OR the value of that item towards a purchase you would like to make. Your choice!)

Put my store's button on your blog for one entry!

Each person can enter up to NINE times!!!!!!!!!!!

So here are the ways that EVERYONE can enter:
(remember leave a separate comment for EACH entry you do!)

1. If you read my Faces of HOPE story, leave a comment on THIS post.
2. If you read my Faces of Loss story, leave a comment on THIS post.

3. Put my store's button (code is above) on your blog AND follow my store's blog, leave a comment on THIS post (one entry if you do BOTH of these).

Mary won my first giveaway!
4. If you follow this blog, leave a comment on THIS post.

5. LIKE my store's FACEBOOK page (in the left hand column or go HERE), leave a comment on THIS post.

6. LIKE my other store's FACEBOOK page (go HERE), leave a comment on THIS post.

7. Post on your facebook about my Story of HOPE giveaway, leave a comment on THIS post.

8. Post on your blog about my Story of HOPE giveaway, leave a comment on THIS post.

9. Like my Heaven's Doves Facebook page (go HERE), leave a comment on THIS post.
Brittani's angel plaque
Jaime's bracelet she won in my first giveaway!

Make sure to check out my store :) There is always FREE shipping within the United States! :)

 YEA for giveaways!!!!!!!!!!!!   I hope you all enjoyed entering :)
I will be announcing the WINNER next Wednesday (Nov. 17th)!
So spread the word until then and get those entries in!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My journey...

First of all I found it rather odd that today I had two additions to Heaven's Doves today (that you can view HERE) that had heaven dates that were the same exact day - August 18th. The difference was that the years were 18 years apart. But still..... really odd they were both sent within almost 1 hour and 59 minutes of each other. Goes to show that even 18 years later our angels mean just as much to us. Also another dove I added today - one of the babies original due dates was the same as Riley - 9/27/10....So much loss... so sad. I did the math the other day if 2,000 babies die per day then that equals 730,000 a year! That's awful :(

This picture is ALL the doves I have made so far....


As my loyal reader know my husband and I did the 18th Annual Walk to Remember in my area. After the walk I entered a submission into their newsletter - an article and a forget-me-not mention of Riley & Peyton. I received it in the mail today. I figured it would be nice to post it on my blog. Here is a link to the newsletter which can be read online :) (although gladly I have one as a keepsake)...

You will notice that we are also one of 2 families that collected over $400 dollars in donations :)
On page 7 you will see our Forget-Me-Not for Riley & Peyton...
My article starts on pg. 5 and continues on page 10 but the entire thing is below...

My Grief Journey

This year my husband and I have experienced two losses. I found out I miscarried my first child, Riley, on Feb. 11, 2010. I then found out I miscarried my second child, Peyton, on August 19, 2010. I had lost both of my children in a little over 6 months. My husband and I were devastated. We were at a total and complete loss as to why this was happening, why this was our lives. Why us?

Of course I have no magical answers for you, I never will. I have a lot of faith, I believe that is the only reason I have survived this horrendous year. I believe the cliches that “everything happens for a reason” and “our babies are in heaven” but contrary to popular belief it does not make me feel better. While I believe those things and while I am at peace that Riley and Peyton are together in heaven and will never feel pain I am not “happy” about this. I have met some absolutely fabulous women in the BLM (baby loss momma) blogging community but (as many of us have admitted) if given the choice we would want our babies. If we could we would choose to have our babies back and never have met each other. Never have gone on this grief journey. We would choose to stay naive, thinking we would never lose a child, because things like that don't happen to us they happen to “other people”. I joined the other people. I joined the statistic. I have now lost both my children. Do we know why? No. Will we ever? Maybe not on Earth. Have I given up hope? NOT A CHANCE!

Losing Riley & Peyton has made me a very strong women. This is not to say I would have ever considered myself “weak” but I never would have imagined I could survive losing a child, let alone two. I have always been emotional. I would most likely cry at any wedding or funeral whether I know anyone there or not. If I did not have faith in God I honestly think I would be half gone by now. Off my rocker with a step towards the crazy house. I thank God every day that I am alive. That we can try again and we pray that we will have brothers and sisters for Riley & Peyton here on Earth. Little ones that we can raise and tell them about their angel siblings in heaven.

I have found a HUGE comfort in my faith but also in the wonderful women that have blogs (as I do) that write about their grief, their journey through losing their child (or children). They have been a blessing through this difficult time. I hope that my blog has helped others who have lost a child the way these ladies' blogs have helped me and continue to help me. Through these blogs I learned many things one of which is that October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I never knew that before. Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss.... talking about losing a child is very taboo in our society. People don't want to talk about it and some think that it is not that big of a deal. They could not be more wrong. But I think all of us that have lost a child would agree that those who have been through it can understand it a bit more than those who have not. The blog community of women I have become a part of is amazing! The 18th annual Walk to Remember was also amazing... and of course as all things baby loss related was very sad. Sad to see so many people in my tiny corner of the world that all lost a child, in some cases many more than one child. It was an amazing experience filled with many tears and it made me realize we are not alone, even in our corner of the world many are effected by this tragedy. I'm sure we all never would have thought this would be our lives... but it is. I sat there before the walk watching many people with their children and thought “I hope I have children that walk on this Earth one day”. When we did the walk we stopped at our sign for Riley & Peyton and decorated it. When we finished and continued the walk I looked at all the signs. Some contained many names some had one name. But one loss is no less sad than any other amount. However, I found myself saying “Lord I pray the names on our sign don't increase in the coming years. Please say that won't be us.” but of course, I have no way of knowing my future. No way of knowing how my journey will continue, how it will one day end. Thus is life. I took many many pictures and came home and made a digital scrapbook for my blog. I am proud that we did the walk in memory of our only two children. Forever in heaven. I pray that one day we will take our children to the walk and they can write messages to Riley & Peyton and tell them how much they love them. Explain to them they have two siblings that they will meet one day in heaven.

If you are interested I create custom pictures for those who have lost a child on my blog called Heaven's Doves. There is a form to fill out on the site and once you do I try to create the photo as quickly as possible for you to save on your computer, add to your face book, whatever you would like to do. It will be emailed to you and posted in my dove gallery on my blog. This is completely free of charge I just know those who have lost a child love to see their babies names as I do. This is just to bring a bit of peace to you if even for a moment. The site is On there you can also see links to my other blogs including my personal one. I wish you all peace on this journey and I pray that we all carry on the memory of our babies our entire lives.

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy will always miss you... today, tomorrow and every day until we meet you in Heaven. Time will not take away our love. It will always be there. You will always be our hearts. From now until eternity - we love you angels!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Giveaways and swaps abound!

So it's almost Christmas time when we all get in the spirit of.... you guessed it GIVING!!

So I came upon this wonderful blog and she is doing a 25 day giveaway starting on December 1st. So check it out and join in on passing the word.

Also you can feel free to host a giveaway - I let her know that I was interested :) So hopefully I will be hosting another giveaway through her lovely 25 day giveaway!


Check out this ornament exchange for BLMs!

From Remembering Together Swap


And lst but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST - Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope's Holiday Gift Exchange!

Hope you enjoy checking these out - I am happy to say I am participating in all three :)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Cheers & Jeers #2

Cheers to Austrailia's Today show spoke briefly of Lily Allen and had actual women who have experienced child loss on the show to discuss it. The clip is below. Thanks to Kara at Random Musings for posting this :)
(and of course you can post it to your blog too - for those that mentioned that!)

Jeers to the public scrutiny and response to Lily Allens' stillbirth – saying things such as she doesn't deserve to be a mother because of past drug use and all this crap – people need to have some respect!! She is now in the hospital for a fatal blood poisoning condition: Click here for more info

Cheers to fabulous sitcoms like The Office – I LOVED the latest episode (The Christening) where Dwight stated that people should not use hand sanitizer but instead get sick to build strength and immunity – then he “welcomed” people sneezing on him LOL – also cheers to the mean girl episode of Community – down right HILARIOUS (guest star was Hilary Duff)

Jeers to Jennifer Lopez for telling American Idol contestants that trying to sing her songs is cute but it is not going to get them through (she says it's flattering kinda seems to me that she is just thinking that there is not possible way for others to sing it better – maybe I am too judgmental on this one LOL)

Cheers to Paranormal Activity & Paranormal Activity 2 for being great suspenseful creepy movies without being filled with the normal gory crap that is common for recent movies in this genre.

Jeers to Megan Fox who I have read continually saying she thinks she looks like a man - “I am pretty sure I am a doppelgänger for Alan Alda. I’m a tranny. I’m a man. I’m so painfully insecure. I’m on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I’m scared.” (Megan Fox on the red carpet at the 2009 Golden Globes)

Cheers to TBS for bringing back CONAN! I love Conan O'Brien – weird and totally odd but crazy hilarious. Also a big cheer for adding Andy Richter to the show. :) (It starts this Monday at 11pm weekly for those who rock and also want to watch Conan)

Jeers to sites such as these:  6 stars that got fat
The first star (Raven Symone) pictured the difference in pictures is like a 6 year old an a teenager - gimme a break!
Kirstie Allie - well she makes me mad - she was totally lying when she did Jenny Craig and said she weighed 220 - gimme a break I weigh 30 lbs. more than that AND I am not as tall as her and I don't look as big - I know I'm not lying so she definitely is) - so they can diss her I don't care - I am all for losing weight but don't lie about it in the process!
Oprah - yea she's got dieting issue but honestly her head looks too big when she gets skinny...
Kelly LeBrock - she's still beautiful - you can't look 20 forever!
Jessica Simpson - shut up people - she is beautiful even if she wears AWFUL jeans!

Cheers to Lisa Rinna for finally getting those crazy wacky huge over filled up lips reduced.Click here to see a picture
Way to go for going back to positive lips rather than Meg Ryan's awful mistake Click here to see the awfulness (of course if neither one of them had gotten plastic surgery they would have been gorgeous. But Meg Ryan needs to take a tip from Lisa Rinna)

Thanks for joining me for my second edition of Cheers and Jeers :)
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