The Multiplication of Grief

If you are a dreamer, come in, if you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer... If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire. For we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in! 
"Invitation" by Shel Silverstein

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I apologize in advance as this post will probably be all over the place. But hey give a girl a break - 90% I wrote while substituting (we were watching the SAME movie in all three classes, so for me...BORING)!

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So I just finished reading "Charlie St. Cloud" very good book - don't have high hopes for the movie - it's already messed up that Zac Efron's character in the book is supposed to be in this 30's!!! Either way the BOOK was very good - here is a quote I think will really resonate with BLMs...

Charlie -"I miss that feeling when you go to sleep at night and when you wake up in the morning. It's the feeling that everything is all right in the world. You know, that amazing feeling that you're whole, that you've got everything you want. that you aren't missing anything. Sometimes when I wake up I get it, just for a moment. It lasts a few seconds, but then I remember what happened, and how nothing has ever been the same since."
Tess - "You think that'll ever go away?"
Charlie-"I doubt it. Some days are better than others. You know....it feels like it's gone and I'm just like everyone else. Then, without warning, it comes back and lodges in my mind. That's when I don't feel right being around anyone...I guess I never really know when it'll hit me. It's like the weather. Blue sky one day, thunder and rain the next."

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"That is the inescapable math of tragedy and the multiplication of grief. Too many good people dies a little when they lose someone they love. One death begets two or twenty or one hundred. It's the same all over the world." - from the book Charlie St. Cloud

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The inescapable math of tragedy and the multiplication of grief.... hmm. Definitely inescapable. As for that feeling that nothing is missing and your life is whole. That's gone. That's for sure. Those two quotes just really really hit me....

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I don't think there is a way to fully explain the magnitude of such a loss. No way to fully express the weight of grief that is placed on your heart. The words in the English language could never completely bring to mind the gravity of such a awful experience. That is why I believe it is impossible for one to understand child loss unless they have gone through it too. Mind you there are plenty of people out there that can sympathize and far more than those people are the idiots who think it;s nothing to be upset about. These are the sorts that say things such as "well you can try again", "it'll get better in time", "don't let it upset you so much", "try to think about your babies less" or "this isn't healthy you should be 'normal' by now". THOSE sorts deserve a swift punch in the face. Luckily I have not dealt with many of these sorts (in person anyways).

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I often feel like I am a walking fragile glass vase. Just waiting to be dropped again. Waiting for another tragedy to strike. To break apart the pieces of me that I have managed to glue back together. I am already a shadow of my former self. A shell if you will. With time I am sure I will appear more & more 'normal' & daft people will assume I have put Riley & Peyton behind me. They OF COURSE will be wrong. Losing them was not a bad dream it was a real life nightmare. I will never forget them! My blog is networked on Facebook but I am sure there are not many who read it (other than of course all you fabulous other BLMs). Which is fine it's not for them, it's for me. Sometimes I think I might take it off networking on Facebook. One day maybe I will. I have nothing to hide by any means, I think I have made that quite clear. More than anything I feel that people think that since it's networked I want attention. This is just not true. I don't wan to be pitied of anything of the sort, I just want to get my thoughts out on paper to get them out of my head.

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There are days when I am home that I try to avoid the mirror. Trying to avoid seeing the sadness in my eyes. I can see the loss - because I know it's there. I fear there is more to come. When your worst nightmares have come true their isn't much more to do then pray things will get better. At the same time of course all I think about it that there could be more loss in the future. That will always be my new nightmare. that this present horror will never end, or that there will be a brief break and another loss will crash down on me.

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Heaven's Doves has been gaining in popularity since I started a Facebook page. It has become very popular over the past week or so since I started it.  Currently the page has 58 "likes". Many of these people have not even requested doves yet *gasp*! I have been keeping up but with the holiday orders and such I may get rather behind.... hopefully not!

My Memorial Art store on the other hand has had no sales. I plan to add ornaments and magnets to my items. I have found butterflies, a dragonfly, and Christmas ornaments that I will custom paint.  I am thinking of selling them for $7 with free shipping. Here are so UNpainted ones that I have. Use your imagination - I am a very detailed painter..... If there is one you see - OR - if there is a shape you would like me to look for let me know!

ceramic snowflake

ceramic Christmas circle ornament

Dragonfly

Mitten

Teddy bear

Butterfly

Christmas stripe ornament

Circle ornament/magnet

Gingerbread man

butterfly

angel

balloon

snowflake

snowman

present

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Well now I am balling because I just finished Nights in Rodanthe - so so sad.

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"One must never be in haste to end a day; there are far to few of them in a lifetime." ~Dale Coman

"If you don't believe in yourself, happiness will always be just out of your reach" ~ from the movie Handel's Last Chance that we watched in class today.

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Riley & Peyton I miss you so much. My heart aches for you and my heart and arms feel empty. I love you so so much. Goodnight my angels.