Cup of Kindness...

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day so as we remember our sweet babies I thought it would be a good day to do a post about the need for a bit more kindness....

Through the past 3 and a half years I have gone through a lot. I have aged a lot. I have learned a lot. Most assuredly I can say that we should view the world differently. Everyone should view their surroundings, their situations, and peoples attitudes differently. EVERYONE is going through SOMETHING. Maybe that is why that guy was a jerk to you in the parking lot. Maybe that lady was snippy with you because her mother just passed away. MAYBE that person is 1 in 4 and they just lost a child.

YOU NEVER KNOW

We can't presume to have any idea what those around us are going through. Just because there are people like me who ARE vocal about their loss doesn't mean there aren't thousands (the majority I imagine) who suffer in silence. If you have experienced a loss and have a blog or Facebook account and mention your sweet little ones gone too soon then you are vocal to an extent. BUT I am sure there were many times that you suffered in silence. Whether it be someone asking "is this your first baby" or "do you have any kids" or "isn't it great to have one boy and one girl".... and you choose not to say anything about your angels. We all, I believe, suffer in silence at points.

So do those around us. So do those we don't know and may never know. I TRY to remember this when someone is snippy with me in line getting groceries or rude when I bump into them by mistake with my purse. I try but I fail sometimes, especially when they are rude while I am driving ;)

Nonetheless my point is I wish people were less judgmental to mothers like me who have lost their children, but also just to people in general.

I feel like as a babyloss mom there is extra guilt in parenting. I am probably the one causing that guilt and I am sure ALL mothers have it to an extent. But I feel like Logan is my sweet, precious, cuddly miracle boy and I often think I am not a good enough mom. That I don't do as much as I could because this is all new to me. Then when I DO feel like I am being a good mom my house is a giant pile of stuff everywhere. So if it's not guilt for one thing it's guilt for another.

Speaking of guilt and judgment..... what is WITH PEOPLE? Why does society believe that being a stay at home mom is a luxury or that it is lazy? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!? Let me just let you know I am NOT against parents working - I am not against daycare, etc. we ALL do what we have to do. HOWEVER I feel stay at home moms are constantly judged. I would like one of these judgmental idiots to set foot in any mom's house of one child (let alone MORE than that) and then tell me we have LUXURIOUS lives or that we are LAZY! Also you may think well you could use more money, why don't you work? Well - daycare is CRAZY expensive and there is no way I am going to work just to make enough money to pay someone else to watch my son.... nope, not happening.

If someone ever asked me "What do you DO all day?" I think I may slap them - or at least I would LOOK like I was about to slap them! Being a stay at home mom is not a job, it is a blessing but that doesn't mean it's EASY! For one you NEVER have time off....even during naps because you know what? That's when the dishes, laundry, and all that fun cleaning get done because there's sure no time for that with a toddler running around like a cute little monster! There are very few times I get a break - by break I mean NO errands to run but just enjoying myself seeing a movie or going to dinner. I usually try to get out with my husband once a month but that doesn't always happen. In the last 17 1/2 months I have gone out with a friend(s) maybe 8-10 times. And really that is LUCKY (and I know I am blessed to have those moments) But, then there are those that judge how I spend that little time off. That 5 hours a month when I go out with my husband.

Why all the judgment. Why do people feel they have a right to judge people? I am a good mom! Am I perfect? No! Is anyone?  NO! So unless you TRULY have a reason to judge someone - don't - get off your high horse and realize PEOPLE ARE ALL DIFFERENT! I don't judge those who have daycare or leave their child with a sitter or relative all day long during the week so I don't expect to be judged because I stay at home. Every now and then I leave the house with only SOCKS on Logan's feet (oh the horror) when it's nice out - - when he was younger there was even a time (GASP) I went to the grocery store quick with him in pjs! OH GOOD GOLLY how awful! Do I think there are people who would judge that? YEP! Do I care? I don't want to....but yea if I could tell someone was judging me - I would care. That's the joy of mommy guilt.

So with all that said - take a minute - WE HAVE ALL JUDGED SOMEONE - and we will ALL do it again even if just for a brief second before we mentally slap ourselves. It will happen. When that time comes take a good look in the mirror, search your heart.....most likely you will realize that judgment was uncalled for - if there were more people taking a breath and THINKING before they say judgmental things or stopping themselves from giving a judgmental glare wouldn't a few people's days be just a bit brighter?

I think so....

Here's some pics of me and sweet Logan....

“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
 For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
 For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
 For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
 For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
  People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
 As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.”
― Sam Levenson

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mama and Daddy love you SO MUCH! We miss you every day! I know that you watch over your brother....thank you for that <3 I wish I could hug you all. I wish you were here. But, I know that you are happy and living it up with Nana and all your heavenly family. Give all those little babies hugs. Many mamas and daddy's hearts are hurting. Send us all some peace and know that you are loved. I will hold you in my heart forever sweet ones....until we meet in Heaven.  ~Love, Your Mama

Butterfly Angel Memorial Art

I have been thinking of creating this memorial art for months and finally had a spare moment to do a couple. I have created a listing in my Etsy shop for those who may be interested: https://www.etsy.com/listing/104713750/memorial-butterfly-angel-fully-custom 

 There are 6 butterfly wing colors and the "angel" can be painted in any way you like :) Name and/or date can be added also :) 

WHAT DO YOU THINK????

The past couple weeks....

Logan's birth announcement - I made it myself!!! :)

When "they" say a baby changes everything, "they" aren't kidding! Now I have no idea who THEY are - but you get where I'm coming from....everyone always says get your sleep cause you'll never sleep in again! Go out and have fun, because that's all about to end. Enjoy some movies now because it will be all cartoons soon. Blah blah blah so on and so forth. You get the gist.....

First off I don't see how getting plenty of sleep before I had Logan helps me now that he's here...it doesn't that's dumb advice LOL... Secondly, I find it VERY hard to believe that we will never be able to go out and have fun again - sure we'll miss our son but I think it's important to a marriage for the husband and wife to have their time together....so those that gave that advice I simply ignore....I digress.... people MEAN WELL they just come off as making parenthood seem like this horrible slavery to your child. It's weird.

Nonetheless, the past couple weeks have not, I repeat, NOT been easy. I know, I know, who expected it to be? Well, I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it has been. A lot of this of course is do to lack of sleep. Men you see have this way about them, or at least my husband does.... he can sleep like a rock! Well, I certainly CAN'T - not even a little bit. I was a light sleeper BEFORE Logan was born - and it has not improved. Every little noise he makes can wake me up. We tried the crib and for one time per night (for only 2 hours total on 2 nights) he managed to sleep then that all went away. People say to let them cry it out and soothe themselves and I may be able to do that in the future but not now. I worry about my baby and this mama can not handle letting him bawl his eyes out. Just. Can't. Do. It.....not yet.

So when we brought Logan home the idea was to put him in the crib when he slept/napped....as I mentioned that did not go well. So then I was sleeping in the living room with him in his swing for a few nights. He seems to need to be on a bit of an incline (probably do to reflux issues....I'll explain THAT in a minute) so my sister said our two friends (who also recently had babies) LOVED the Rock N Play.... so THAT is what we got :) that is what he currently sleeps in and boy is that a lifesaver! We can have it in our bedroom unlike the massive swing which was NOT coming back and forth down our hallway! So it was nice the past week or so to actually sleep in our bed again. Still though the first couple days it was a bit hard to sleep because babies move a lot in their sleep at times (Logan does for sure!) and those little movements and noises wake mommy up. Alas, I am getting used to it and sleeping better through all that.

Another thing that really was hard to handle was coming to the realization that I could not breastfeed :*( I was (and still am) rather upset about that. When I was told to give up and do formula it was a day or two filled with many tears. I wanted what was best for my baby and he was such a good nurser and I felt like it was some nasty trick that my milk never came in. That yet again my body was betraying me. Well, when Logan was about 12 days old I called my doc and asked if there was any chance my milk would come in. She said given everything I had tried: pumping, consistent feedings, medicine, etc. that if it hadn't come in yet then it wasn't going to.... so I got out the formula sample container the hospital gave us as a "gift" and gave him his first bottle....crying the whole time. It was an exhausting couple of days and very hard for me to deal with but for the most part I am quite fine with it all now.

Last Wednesday all hell broke loose....maybe a bit dramatic but let's just say it was NOT GOOD! Little Logan was spitting up (more like throwing up as it was SO MUCH formula) so much - at a couple different times he soaked right through all his clothes in a matter of seconds. It was coming out his nose, he would scream in pain. IT WAS TERRIFYING!!! So I called his pediatrician and they brought us in and he wasn't worried because Logan gained weight. Well the rest of the day he would barely eat, didn't sleep good, and still was spitting up a ton. So the next day I called back and said something needed to be done! So the doc told me I could change his formula. We changed to a broken down formula for sensitive tummies. He started improving quickly - ate more, slept better, it's been great!! The doctor wrote a script so that the formula would be covered by WIC which is a real blessing to say the least! It's specialty formula so it's expensive and while I (OF COURSE) would have paid for it no matter what to make Logan better it is nice to have some help with it too!

Sleeping is still a bit of an issue for me. My husband wants to put Logan in his own room but I just don't have that in me yet. I think I'll be able to handle it when he's closer to 2 months. With the scary spit up situations and what not I just can't handle something awful like that happening when I'm not RIGHT THERE to pick him up. I'm a worried mama and I knew that I would be. I have been waiting years for my baby boy and I reserve the right to be a worried mother!

It has been rough - my friends who recently had babies tell me it gets easier...we shall see. I know that I will survive this... I love being a mom but the emotional turmoil is not something that one can be prepared for and I admit it's a bit much for me at moments. My husband doesn't have to deal with the crying or middle of the night feedings, etc. like I do and sometimes I just get aggravated and I am relieved when he is here so I can just hand him Logan so someone else can try to calm him down. Now, mind you, this is not a day to day problem there are days when he is perfectly lovely but there are days when he gets FAR too tired and screams because of it. In moments like this when he ate a ton, diaper is clean, he's getting plenty of snuggles, no temperature, etc. and he STILL cries... those are the moments where he just has to calm himself down. I hate those moments because I feel like a failed mom that I can't calm my baby down. The first fail moment was breast feeding and then the screaming and then the not being able to let him sleep in his room. UGH! It's hard to not beat myself up and then I read articles that say "you need to get your rest because babies can't bond well with a burnt out mom" well GEEZ THANKS! So now not only am I emotional and tired but this freaking article makes me feel like my child won't love me unless I'm well rested. Guess I'm screwed... or they're idiots.... we'll go with they're idiots for sanity's sake! PLEASE don't take this post as a complaint and me not feeling blessed for my baby boy and my wonderful new life. I just wanted to update the reality of what I have gone through. I am in no way depressed, nor do I have the baby blues, I'm just a new mom realizing that it's not easy....

Well, that's the update for now everyone. Little man was grumpy an hour ago and shall soon wake up to eat.  Hopefully his constipation will go away with the doc's advice. Poor little guy doesn't poop for a day or two and then POW tons and tons of poop! Sometimes it's rather comical like when I changed his diaper and as soon as I go to change it he starts grunting and KEEPS GOING lol! He's quite the character and his poop grunts are beyond hilarious ;) although I feel bad cause it must hurt the poor little guy! Either way here's hoping a big poop is coming on so Logan can feel relieved! Here's also hoping that it happens when I change his diaper - as his daddy is a wimp and would probably wake me up to do it which would NOT make me happy!

Lastly, I can't believe my little man is already over 3 weeks old!!! YIKES! On a positive note....I now only weigh 5 lbs. more than before I got pregnant - woo hoo!!!

My baby all snazzy for Mother's Day

After his first sponge bath

More pics coming soon....I am far too tired to upload them right now!

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you and miss you and wish you were here to love Logan. I know that you send your love and peace to us daily and I hope you feel our love for you. I'm glad you have Nana to love you because it helps mommy feel better that someone so VERY special to me gets to watch my most special angels. One day we will meet and be one huge happy family... until then hold each other close my loves and give Nana hugs and kisses from me, Logan, and mom (your grandma) EVERY DAY! I love you all more than words could ever say and sometimes the loss I feel is just overwhelming. Your brother is a blessing and I thank God every day for him but you all will always be missing from my heart and I will always carry you in it. As my favorite book says "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby(babies) you'll be." I've read that to your brother recently and I can't get through it without crying. I hope you can hear me reading it to, that way it's like I'm reading it to my whole family. I love you my angels... and I always will. 

The waiting game...

The last week or so has been rough. I'm crazy emotional and just so uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong I am THRILLED to be pregnant it's just that I want to HOLD Logan now!!! I know I will miss feeling him move inside me and I truly do cherish every movement but I'm so anxious. He is measuring ahead by 3 weeks or so and I just want him to be okay! I have no reason to think he won't be but when does anyone have reason... it still happens.

I'm not the same naive girl I was when I was pregnant with Riley. I KNOW how so many lost their babies. I know of many who's babies were fine at 39 weeks and when they went overdue they lost the baby. These stories terrify me. I do not want to lose my fourth child. I want to hold him in my arms and love him and kiss him for years to come. I want him to outlive me. To love his angel siblings. I want him here with me on Earth. Of course, I wish all my babies could be with me on Earth but I wake up every day to the reality that they can't be. But Logan can. He is still healthy and strong and I just don't want him to get so big that something happens before he can be born. He hasn't dropped yet (as of last week and I still don't think he has as of today) and as of last week there was no dilation or progress of any kind. I worry his head is too big and he may not be ABLE to drop down. If that's the case they will schedule a c-section for next friday. I wish it could be tomorrow but I will survive.

I told one of my doctor's last week that I am just very anxious after all we have been through and she said "All mom's are anxious at this point. Trust me." and I'm going well OF COURSE they are but I mean SERIOUSLY? I lost three babies - one of them being Logan's twin! I have a whole other kind of anxiety!! Most moms I'm sure are anxious about the pain of labor, when their child will be born, or about the pregnancy being over already, etc. I am anxious over my baby being born ALIVE! Most women are naive and think that once they are pregnant they are safe or at the very least once they hit 2nd trimester they are safe... most wouldn't even have it cross their minds that their baby may not be born alive into this world. So YEA I think my anxiety is a BIT different.

Again PLEASE don't curse me and my worrying and think that I don't appreciate the blessing that Logan is...I DO appreciate him - SO VERY MUCH! That is why I worry as much as I do. I have wanted to have children for as long as I can remember and I never imagined I would go through SO much to have a child. I am grateful to be at this point I just want to see this pregnancy completed with a healthy alive child in my arms! I have faith that all will be okay - without my faith I don't know where I would be right now.... but I still worry. I'm not perfect by any means...

I can't explain the past week or two but they just drag. I am so emotional for no reason really other then anxiety and worry. Don't get me wrong I don't sit around and have horrible day dreams all day I just want to know there is a completion to this pregnancy in sight. A day when I know that by that day at the latest I will meet my son! It's all just slowed down SO much.... I feel like last friday's appointment was a month ago. It's crazy to make it through 9 months, that for the most part went fast, and then have the end just seem like a lifetime. Non BLM's that I know are telling me to "enjoy these last moments of time to myself", etc. - and I'm going I have enjoyed them and I am ready to NOT have them anymore. I am ready to leave behind my "me" time and designate that time to Logan and my family. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I know I could never be fully prepared for how my life will change - but I know it will - BRING IT ON! I'll miss my sleep and my t.v. time and being able to go to a movie whenever I want or a "quick" trip to the store.... but who freaking cares!!! All that I can think of now is the day I will get to hold Logan in my arms and I know that I will never be able to imagine how wonderful it will be but I can't wait to experience it!! Maybe the next time I write it will be about Logan's birth..... <3

Latest Belly Shot (from last week)

Here's the latest picture - but it was from LAST week as I am currently 39w3d)

Belly Progression :)

Riley, Peyton, Cameron -

We love you so much and wish you were here with us, playing and laughing. We know you are happy and healthy in Heaven and I am sure Nana is having so very much fun with her great grandchildren. Hug each other tightly and give Nana so many kisses and hugs too - tell her how I wish you could all be here to meet Logan when he is born <3 I love you all so very very much it hurts my heart - send mommy love and lots of peace this week <3

VLOG for video blog round-up

I saw this on Still Life with Circles and thought what a great idea for OTHER people to do LOL. I cannot even express to you how much I did NOT want to post a video. Pregnancy does not make me glow or in any way make me look lovely LOL and I'm not thrilled to put this kept hidden look out there for the world to see. Thank you to Angela and Kara for giving me the extra push I needed to get my words/voice out there.

This is me - where I spend most days - on the couch in pjs with my cat (you can't see her but she's behind me on the top of the couch lol) but most nights I am asleep by now (it is past 2am by the time this was uploaded).... I hate my voice on recording and for some reason all my posts I like are long winded EEK! Sorry for the long video!!

I had to upload to you tube (which took a long time) - Blogger wasn't havin' it!

For those who made it through that whole vlog - way to go! After finishing it I couldn't bear to make another one, even if it was shorter. I'm an emotional wreck LOL but listening to this strong little one's heartbeat afterward sure made it better :) I will sleep with a peaceful heart tonight while also being proud of myself for doing something that was so hard...

Much love to you all who share this journey with me through the loss of my angels: Riley, Peyton, and Cameron and the celebration of my growing strong rainbow I hope to hold in my arms in April. You all mean the world to me!

On that note - make a guess in my expectnet baby pool (top of my blog) I plan to do a giveaway of some sort for the winner. I know - you need to stick around 6 months to find out who wins lol but you'll be okay ;) 

UGH.....

Well folks - it seems this momma spoke too soon about not having morning sickness! : (

YUCK! Starting yesterday all went down hill. Now I haven't been throwing up or anything but still just a very horrible amount of feeling AWFUL! Nauseous, light headed if I'm walking around too much, yuck, yuck, yuck. I hope since it has started late it doesn't mean that I will be stuck with this into the 2nd trimester.

I'm trying really hard to drink water. I didn't drink enough water yesterday so maybe that is adding to my general feeling of crappiness. Who knows? I shall do my best to drink more. Can't keep up with anything though. Tons of dishes to do. And of course since I don't feel well enough to do anything I WANT to do things. Figures.

There can be days where I want to just watch TV even though I feel fine but as soon as I HAVE to lay down I don't want to. Here's hoping our tater tots aren't as annoying as their mommy LOL ;) At the very least I am still eating plenty and not throwing up (thank goodness)! I have been watching episode after episode of American Picker on Netflix after finishing up 3 seasons of Pawn Stars on Netflix last week. Thanks to my dear friend Melissa got me into Pawn Stars and I just LOVE it! Luckily I have my news regular season TV shows starting this week so that will give me something to do if I continue to feel sick. I watch incredibly too much tv and I love it so I figure I better enjoy it this season because it may be my last season for watching many of these shows. Sad to lose them but happy to give them up for my tater tots :)

Well, I'm alive over here. Far too hot - even though it's only like 70 degrees outside (but I am ALWAYS hot)! Slept with the air on in the bedroom last night which helped and I've had it on in the living room today which helped too. Weird? Sure! But who care - it makes me feel better! Well... hot, nauseous, light headed.... but alive! I figure feeling like crap usually means all is good so my tots are worth the yuck! Thank goodness you don't get morning sickness AFTER the babies are born LOL that would not go well.

Tonight my new show "Up All Night" is on - I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone with children. I don't have any on Earth yet but I feel the stuff I am laughing at now may make me cry next year LOL ;) !!! Nonetheless it's fun to watch! ;)

Riley & Peyton we love you so very much. I feel you with me every day my sweet angels. Give Nana big hugs and kisses for me every single day. I know she must be so excited that I am having twins. She would have been thrilled if she were still here but I am glad that she is happy, pain free, and with both of you. It brings peace to my heart even through my tears. Always be there for each other and watch over us. We miss you!

Sneak attacks suck...

It just hits me sometimes ya know? Like a ninja sneak attack. And it SUCKS!

I was just taking a shower this morning and thinking about how the craft show I am in is coming up. Then I started thinking... last year when I was preparing for the craft show I was thrilled to be pregnant. By the time the craft show happened it was two days after I found out my sweet Peyton had gone to heaven. I was still carry Peyton but I knew I was no longer pregnant with a live baby. The only thing worse than that is finding out your baby is no longer alive. People that day that knew probably thought wow she's doing pretty well.... I wasn't. It was just good to have a distraction. But I wasn't doing well. No where near well.

Then I thought if Riley hadn't died I would have an 11 month old right now. If Riley did die but Peyton didn't I would have a 5 month old. In a few weeks I will have passed BOTH my children's angelversaries. Oh how I hate those days.

Even thinking back on the words "no heartbeat" make me want to vomit. Literally. Almost a year ago I found out Peyton was gone. Almost a year and a half ago I found out Riley was gone. It's sad that in the future I will dread sonograms SO much. Sad. But true. Sad that I am 30 with no children.

Sneak attacks SUCK.

So much to live for....

I've decided not to finish the 30 day challenge. I just don't have the will enough to do it. Too much else in life going on and there needs to be some want on my part to do it and it's simply not there. So I apologize for that.

It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog and maybe no one will read this post but it's something I need to get out. There has just been far too much to say. Do you ever feel that way? Like there are so many words that it's just overwhelming? Life has been overwhelming. It seems when it calms down in my life something just blows up. I'm so sick of it honestly. I'm sorry for the long absence but I appreciate if you would read this post - I don't have the strength to edit it so please bear with my typos.

June was nice - my husband and I went to Florida to spend time with his family. Two brothers and a sister he had never met. They, along with his aunts and cousins, were all wonderful. I miss them dearly. It's lovely to spend time with people you just met and within a day feel totally comfortable with them. In my opinion that's hard to come by. We were there for a week with his family and then spent two days together in Orlando for our third anniversary. We went to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. It was too dang hot but also fun. Harry Potter was our favorite ride. When we came home a couple weeks later (July 3rd) we went to a hotel and got a dinner package. We had a lovely night. We jokingly called it a TTC getaway.

The following weekend we went camping with my family. We found out while there that my Nana had been admitted to the hospital (my mom's mother). We had known for 3 1/2 years that she had a blood disorder called MDS but recently she had been doing okay. We had seen her in April at my sister's wedding (she lives in PA and we live in NY). They told us that they had her fever under control and she was doing ok.

Tuesday when we were in Lake Placid the one day our fun was cut short when I fell while walking down a steep asphalt hill. All my weight fell on the tops of my feet and my one leg. I managed to catch myself so nothing above my knees was injured. I think so much of me is used to protecting my belly all the times I have been pregnant or trying that it's a built in instinct now. I couldn't walk for a couple days and my feet bruised up really badly.

Wednesday morning we found out my Nana had been transferred to Roswell Park Cancer Institute which is in Buffalo, NY (near where we live). But we were 6 1/2 hours away in the Adirondack Mountains! They said her blood disorder had turned into Leukemia as we always new it would. It had turned into AML leukemia. That night they told us she was doing okay and her infection was under control. My mom talked to her but said she was disoriented.

Thursday morning my Nana's friend called and told my mom that Nana was dying and the nurses had told her to call anyone that would want to see her before she passed away. When my mom told me I said I'm driving with you mom - let's go. We hurried up and ate, grabbed what we could, someone programmed the gps and we left. Along the way we called who we could and told them the sad news and let them know if they could get there they should. There were eight siblings to contact (she had 9 but one passed away from cancer years ago). I made sure my cousins knew and they headed on their way. About halfway through our ride (about 2:30pm) my mom's uncle called and said that if we called Nana was doing well enough to talk to us. So we called and my Papa answered and put Nana on the phone. She sounded happy. She said she was doing good and we told her that we loved her and we were coming to see her. She said she loved us too and we hung up so others could talk to her too.

We arrived at 5pm and by that time my Nana had not been talking for awhile. All I could think was she didn't look good. Don't know why I would expect her to. My Papa tried to wake her up but she just got very upset about her IVs and oxygen in her nose, etc. so we told him to let her go back to sleep (she was on a morphine drip for the pain). We visited with family. Talked about all our great times together with Nana and someone off and on was usually holding her hand. By 1:30am me and my mom were going home to sleep for a couple hours. Twenty minutes after we got home (about 1 hr. 15 mins. after we left) my cousin (who is the same age as me) was texting me saying that the nurse was saying that Nana wasn't going to make it to the morning. So we got back in the car and went back up. We got there at 4am. She was breathing much heavier than when we had left. At 6:12 the nurse was ordering morphine drops and my mom got up to go to the bathroom. At that exact moment my Nana started breathing very shallow and me and my cousin knew something was different. She talked to her a bit and then I held her hand and told her that we were all with her, that my sister wanted her to know she loved here, and that we all loved her so much and she could go Home now. We would see her soon. She seemed to open her eyes a bit in these few minutes. I was holding her hand when the nurse came in and said she was gone and that she would give us as much time as we needed.

My Papa had been partially asleep, so he didn't know till the nurse said that (or at least it didn't seem that he knew). My cousin and I believe that my Nana got her way even in the end. We don't think she wanted Papa to see her last breaths and we think she waited for my mom to leave the room. She knew. That was how she wanted it. Stubborn to the very end. I'm bawling now typing this all out because, honestly it is the first time I have fully relived that night "out loud" (so to speak). My Nana passed away on July 15, 2011 at 6:15 am. A little over a month after her 72nd birthday. FAR far too young. I will miss her deeply for as long as I live. I was sad later thinking about how she would never meet my children that I have and then I realized that she met my children even before me. She is loving on her grandbabies Riley and Peyton up in Heaven. She's taking care of them for me.

My mom told me later that when my Uncle Tim had talked to Nana he had asked her is she was afraid to die and she said "I'm not afraid to die but there's so much to live for." So true. I'm so glad that my Nana is not in any pain any longer. I think that she always knew she didn't want to live with Leukemia, live with that pain. So when she found out she had it I believe she wanted to see her family and she wanted to go Home to Heaven. I know she's smiling down on us every day, wanting us to be happy instead of sad but we just miss her so. I got a ring in the mail that I had made to remember her. It says "So much to live for" Nana 7.15.11

I will cherish it.

A week later - the 22nd - I turned 30. I had a good time spending time with family, friends, and a lovely day out with my husband. I have to say though it was hard. Hard to turn 30 with no children. I always thought I would have 2 by now. When I got married at 27 I thought okay well 1 by the time I'm 30. But that wasn't in God's plans. Still makes me sad though. But either way, I survived. I'm 30.

This is our second month TTC. I believe with the fall and the extreme stress of my Nana's death that God knew last month was not a good time to get pregnant. This month I was started on medication and on Thursday I get to see how my eggs are looking. So I'm praying that this month is our month! If we have a girl her middle name will be Julia after my Nana.

This is a song me and my mom were singing (through tears) in the car on the way back up to Roswell at around 3:50am.




Riley & Peyton I love you so very much! Give Nana hugs and kisses for me every single day for me. I love all of you so very much and I miss you more than I could ever explain. I am glad that while I can't be with you, you can all be with each other. Keep ahold of those pieces of my heart that you all have. One day my heart will be whole again and we will all be together. Your momma(granddaughter) and daddy(grandson) love you very much!

Right where I am: 1 year 4 months 1 week 5 days and 10 months and 4 days

Right where I am: 

1 year 4 months 1 week 5 days (since Riley went to Heaven)

and 

10 months and 4 days (since Peyton went to Heaven)

For those who found me from Still Life with Circles thank you for reading. I think this is a great project that Angie is doing and I am glad to take part in it.

To the reader: this post will be all over the place. As my mind is all over the place. Thus is the life of a grieving mother. So I hope you can stay with me throughout this lengthy post. I apologize if I hop around a lot. I believe I was like that before this grief entered my life too though that part of my life seems like a distant memory...

Where to start. My babies. My sweet sweet Riley and Peyton. When you lose a child you think "What did I do to deserve this?", you look to others, you fall into yourself because well life seems like it's over. You think nothing will ever get better. The utter loss of all that was precious to you that you were CARRYING in your body is gone. I had nothing to "show for it" as they say. No ultrasound pictures. Nothing. To the world it was as if nothing had happened. To some it still is.

When I started this blog 10 months ago right after losing Peyton I was obsessed. I blogged every day and read many many blogs (as you can see from my blog roll to the right). Nowadays I don't write or read nearly as much. Not because I care less or losing my babies doesn't effect me. Simply because life changes.

I think that the hardest part of losing Riley was the fact that EVERYONE knew I was pregnant. Cute, naive me wanted the world to know. I posted it on Facebook and told everyone at church. Two days later my world crumbled. It was like a cruel joke. I still look back on that time and it makes me so sad. I relive that day in the ultrasound room sometimes. How cold and heartless the doctor was and the anguish that my husband and I were in. It breaks my heart every time. I relive the day I lost Peyton often too. I was alone because naive me though all was well that time. In the same room I found out Peyton had no heartbeat. That room scares me and I will never enter it alone again. Ever. People told me (and still do) that I am "young" and we can have more children - blah blah blah. Like any of that made it okay that I lost my children. Honestly to this day - almost a year and a half after losing Riley the worst part is SOCIETY. To be frank PEOPLE SUCK! I am constantly in awe of how people would rather IGNORE the fact that I AM A MOTHER. They would rather not think about the fact that my two children died a mere 6 months apart from each other. People often ask if they were twins because of this necklace that I wear and the fact that the losses were so close together:

www.themidnightorange.com

I tell them no, that they were two separate pregnancies. This for some reason seems to make people feel worse for me. Two children is two children - whether they were twins or not or two separate pregnancies does not make the loss more or less difficult. 

Just last week when returning from Florida I was wearing this necklace and a woman said it was beautiful. I told her that it was for my two children that had died and she just very sweetly said "How beautiful, God Bless them" and I thanked her and we went about our ways. Society should be sweeter, like this woman was to me. Sadly strangers tend to be sweeter about my loss then people who know me. Maybe because it effects people who know me more, who knows. 

Even 1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days and 10 months and 4 days later I even dream about them. Sometimes I dream that I have living children. I never call them by name in my dreams. It's just this precious, perfect film in my mind of me playing with my kids. Their first steps, smiling in my arms, playing on the swings, moments I long for... I often wonder if someday I will be playing with my children and have a deja vu moment like it has happened before. Maybe I am dreaming of my future children. It may sound crazy but I often have moments 4 or 5 times a year where I remember EVERYTHING about what is happening - know it will happen before it does - like I have been there before - but I haven't. I have had those moments since I was a child. Who knows. Maybe I dream them before they occur and don't remember them until they happen in my life. You never know. I like to think these perfect films are God's way of telling me everything will work out in time. 

Maybe my dreams are transitioning with my grief. Last night for the first time that I can remember since both losses I was telling someone about my losses in my dream. I was telling them about Riley and Peyton and explaining one of my pieces of jewelry to them. They were reassuring me that I would be a mother soon. I hope they are right. I used to take dreams with a grain of salt. Now, however, it seems the ones I remember are ones with my babies and I believe I remember them for a reason. We dream every night and I sure don't remember every dream. So these precious dreams are for me: a reminder to not lose hope and faith that I will have living children on Earth one day. 

We are able to start to try again this month. With that comes a whole lot of fright. I am scared that I will miscarry again (even though what was causing the miscarriage has surgically been fixed - there's always a chance). I am afraid of people's reactions - do people really want to be happy for me when they know I could miscarry again? Will they even smile when I tell them? I worry about my families reaction. I currently am looking for a job and so financially we are not as well off as we would like - I don't want to be judged - I want people to accept that after all this loss I can not put off having a child - God will provide. Sometimes I miss the naive me because well - none of that was ever on my mind then - I was happy to tell people - thrilled to be pregnant. I thought getting pregnant was the hard part and I accomplished that so I was good to go... other times I am glad to not be naive. At least I know what to watch for, what to be prepared for... though it doesn't in any way mean it will be easier. 

The bad stuff always happens at once it seems. The last year and a half have been very very very hard. 2/11/10 we lost Riley, we moved to a bigger apartment in May 2010 to make room for a future child and two days later I lost my job. On my birthday, July 22nd, we found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and on 8/19/10 we found out we had lost Peyton. They say bad things come in threes - I am going to group losing my job in there - or maybe my THREE surgeries (2 D&C's after my miscarriages and a surgery to correct my uterus). I would say bad things came in more than threes for me. It's been hard. I pray every day that things will start to look up for us.

Honestly I did not properly grieve Riley. I in no way "pretended it didn't happen" or "forgot about it" but I choose to try not to think about and I certainly did not express myself as I needed to. A blog back then would have been helpful. After the loss of Peyton 6 short months later the grief abounded and it had to explode somewhere so it did - onto this blog. Some people - who have no freaking idea what they are talking about - think I should not "think about them" as often as I do. As if that is truly a choice. If I had a five year old that died no one would ever tell me to FORGET that child or not think about them! But for some reason our stupid society cannot wrap it's precious little head around the fact that my children were HUMAN BEINGS. They had eyes, fingers, toes, and heart beats! They were indeed alive! In a world that applauds women for their right to choose and the millions that go off and choose to kill their children I am surrounded by a society of people who prefer to think children are not humans until they are born. People shouldn't be so cruel and so dumb with such a huge loss.

1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days later I still grieve my baby. Had Riley been born he/she (I was 7 weeks along so we have no idea is Riley was a boy or a girl) would have been about 10 months old. Riley's due date was 9/27/10 - someone from my church had their son on that exact day. So needless to say it is VERY hard for me to see her child. Such a reminder of what we lost. 10 months and 4 days later I still grieve my sweet Peyton too. I was less than 2 weeks away from my second trimester when we saw their was no longer a heartbeat. Peyton's due date was 3/16/11 - 3 days before my husband's birthday. Peyton would be about 3 1/2 months old now. So much loss. It has aged me. I feel far older then my nearly 30 years. 

It will ALWAYS piss me off that on my medical records it says that I had 2 "spontaneous abortions" within 6 months of each other. It will always make me cringe to think that the word "abortion" is anywhere NEAR my name. I am dead set against abortion and had I not been so depressed the first time someone told me that was what was in my chart I may have slapped them!

I have passed both of my children's due dates with no living child in my arms. That, I imagine, would age anyone. It's so very very hard to watch women my age, or younger than me, who have three children already BEFORE they are 30 and I have none. So hard, and down right maddening to watch people get pregnant "by mistake" when I long to get pregnant! To know that there are people out there having abortions when there's so many people like me who wish they could have a living child. My body was killing my babies and now that has been fixed and I potentially should have no issues carrying a child but I will still be afraid. With every pregnancy because you know what? The naive me is gone. If I didn't FEEL like an adult before on 2/11/10 I certainly became one and I became years older on 8/19/10 after losing Peyton. 

1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days later and 10 months and 4 days later would I say I am "better"? No. Will I ever be? No, because my children are in Heaven and they have a piece of my heart with each of them. I am glad that they have each other and I am glad that I KNOW without a doubt that I will see them again one day. THAT is when I will be better. I will tell my children about their siblings in Heaven. Riley and Peyton will not be forgotten. I will represent them on my skin every day and almost always wear a piece of jewelry to represent them too. 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelations 21:4

Mommy and daddy love you Riley and Peyton. We think of you every day... We will always love you!

Me singing at church:

The pregnancy effect....

So today I was out at some craft stores.... pretty much the only places I shop.... and I see a pregnant woman. I swear that this woman was in every random aisle I went in!

While I know that she of course was not REALLY following me it was so aggravating. I'm sure all you BLMs out there have been there before you see a pregnant woman and your heart just stops for a minute. Your chest seizes up. You feel a bit sick. All of this within a matter of seconds and then you do the best you can to forget it and go on about your business. That's the PREGNANCY EFFECT.

All of that 'forgeting"  is well and good until you continue to run into the woman in every aisle or even worse (or at least AS bad) you run into MORE pregnant woman and the effect continues and multiplies and before you know it you (or at least me anyway) feel like everyone in the whole freaking world is pregnant! Everyone but you... it's weird to think how little I even noticed pregnant women back in my naive years and now they seem to be everywhere. My old totally crazy college professor would have called this synchronicity. The best way I explain her definition of that is that you are thinking of that so you see it, or something along those lines. Another site calls it "the cosmos winking at you". Well if that's the case the cosmos can take their winks elsewhere thank you very much!

I saw a variety of pregnant women or women with children that were very young (like Riley would be now). It's so frustrating. If only we could just scream and people wouldn't think we were crazy ;) 

Strange that these women have no idea that there are some people that see them and cringe. Some that wish they were them. Some that will never have a carefree pregnancy. It's all so overwhelming. Oddly enough I think even when I am pregnant it may still be a shock to see pregnant women. Weird as that may seem. This fright, this nightmare of worry isn't going to magically disappear when I'm pregnant. Honestly I'm afraid to not be scared. When I stopped being afraid with Peyton, I lost Peyton.

Life is strange....

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."
~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"


Momma and Daddy love you so much Riley & Peyton

It's been over two weeks since my last post and I have been itching to write but sometimes I know what I want to say but I can't say it... if that makes sense.

The last post I talked about how I was sick of the way I look, being overweight, etc. I still am but guess what? Monday after substitute teaching I was desperately tired but something made me try the workout DVD I've had for months! And I have now done the workout three days in a row. Step in the right direction - painful one at that - but I am proud of myself.

Grief is a funny - not funny ha ha - what I mean to say is it's confusing. Every day is like a ride. One day it may be an exciting rollercoaster - a day full of hope and great expectations. The next day (or even within the same day) it is like a horror story. Then there are the days that are more of a Merry, Go Round - not to exciting but interesting nonetheless. Forest Gump's mom was right - life really IS like a box of chocolates you really do NEVER know what you are gonna get.

I went to see the movie Soul Surfer with a friend yesterday. It is about a young girl who had just become a pro surfer (she was 'signed' so I assume that means she was pro) and while out in the water she gets her arm bitten off by a shark! To make a long story short without giving too much away. Through perseverance and a whole lot of faith in God she gets through it and even learns how to surf with only one arm (trust me there's far more to it - you can learn all that from a trailer)!! If interested you can read my review and watch the trailer on my movie review blog. This line in the movie just truly hit me - I would have probably balled my eyes out had my friend not been right next to me. Just thinking of the line makes me tear up.

"I don't know why terrible things happen to us sometimes. But I have to believe something good is going to come from this."

This girl lost her arm and was able to still treat people with kindness who stared at her. To treat a competitor in a surf competition with kindness even though that person was mean to her. She was so loving through it all. I am in NO way comparing losing a limb to child loss. But I think we can all agree it would be a difficult thing to go through and a hard thing to understand. As a baby loss mom I certainly can't UNDERSTAND why I had to lose both of my children. Maybe I never will. But at the same time I know that something good will come of it. Maybe it already has...maybe this blog is part of that good. Maybe talking about my loss rather than ignoring it like society does will help someone. If it even makes a difference to one person through their grief it is good. I'm not going to lie - I, just as any of us would - would take my children back in an INSTANT if I could - but the Lord knows, and I know, that can't happen.

 

I made this photo today (well I took the photo a couple years ago - but I added the verse today) in honor of this post. This verse was mentioned in the movie and it really hit home. I have known the verse for longer than I can remember but something just clicked when I heard it in the movie. I'm going to list it in my Etsy shop :)

One of the reasons I haven't posted in a while is because I have been crazy posting in my Etsy shop. I am toying with the idea of starting a blog in regards to my Etsy listings. Maybe I will....not sure yet. Here are a few new items I have made (out of the over 100 new ones I listed)... Click the banner below to go to my store!

These first three are meant to be cake toppers or just cute sculptures 

for the angry birds I didn't know if they would be popular for cake toppers.

They are made from polymer clay that is then primed, painted, and sealed with lacquer.

Here is my newest wedding board design

 I also started making hair accessories

The last picture is my newly dyed hair. I had NO idea my roots were so bad until we finally got some sunlight around here and natural light showed not pretty roots! So basically I dyed it back to my normal color.

I thought the red was going to fade out - but it didn't really.

Yes I am crazy and in a tank top even though it's cold here. I am always hot all year round LOL

Soooo I have a hopeful feeling about me the past three days. A renewed spirit if you will. Here's hoping and PRAYING that things keep looking UP! I am due for my next cycle any time now and after that I can get the HSG to find out if the surgery worked. I'm hopeful but nervous. I need lots of prayer that all the 'spots' won't be taken like they were the first time I needed it done! I just need to know and then we can move on from there! Thank you for those who read this post. It is greatly appreciated. Now with the words out of my head and it being 2:30 am it is time for me to depart to bed.

Goodnight and may God bless you all with some hope as well!

Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. We always will! Mommy will always tell your story to others and to your siblings (Lord willing). Until we meet on that glorious day in Heaven hug eachother for me until I can hug you myself.

The life of a grieving mother

It has been a hectic week. I was glad for that though because it made it easier to survive Peyton's due date (3/16/11), easier to be busy and unable to dwell on all the sadness of the day. That was a blessing.

This weekend had been good - still is I suppose - just had an off moment today. My husband's birthday was yesterday and on Friday and Saturday we celebrated and went out and got him free meals (Denny's, Moe's, Red Robin's) and went to the movies (Limitless & Adjustment Bureau - both were good but Limitless was fantastic!) and had a good time out with friends last night. I was exceptionally saddened though to hear of my sweet BLM friend's loss. She has now lost her second little one. Little Bee will be forever missed and it now with Valentina in Heaven. I am so devastated for her and she is in my prayers.

This morning I woke up far too tired but got up and ready for church. We arrived, found seats, and I was looking through the bulletin and saw that there was a sheet to fill out for memorial flowers. They do this every year for the Easter service and you can buy flowers in memory of someone that passed. I remember last year wishing that I had done that for Riley but we had stayed out of church for a month or so as I did not feel physically or emotionally ready to deal with those that did not know about Riley's passing. So we did not return in time to buy the flowers. So today I immediately decided I was doing this - and that was it - I filled out the sheet and the check and my sweet babies names will be in that bulletin. Everyone will read their names. They will know my sweet babies are loved.

I handled filling all that out gracefully - no tears - happy in having a way to remember my children. THEN the bomb was dropped. Our pastor announced that someone was pregnant. (Please realize I honestly AM so very happy for her I really am, it's just all so hard.) A friend of ours. A friend that I didn't even know was trying. Didn't even know they wanted children yet. A friend I am thrilled for but at the same time their joy immediately made me cry. I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. We go to a big church and I am bombarded by pregnant woman constantly. Many my age. Many who already have other children. Some who have many children and are younger than I am. I want children so bad and I have lost both of mine. People don't get it. If you have never lost a child YOU. DON'T. GET. IT.

There is no word to express the cruel nature of such loss. NO WORD TO ACCURATELY EXPRESS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE YOUR CHILDREN! There is physically no humanly possible way for me to EVER express to someone how gut wrenchingly awful it is. How it threatens to tear apart every fiber of your soul. How it is to see what you want most ripped from you TWICE within SIX MONTHS.... the awfulness is just impossible to explain.

This is my life. The life of a grieving mother. I don't believe it will ever be EASY to watch carefree pregnant women. That will never be easy for me. That will never be me. I am not part of that world. I never will be. That naive part of me is gone forever. Impossible to imagine me as that naive girl again. What would her world have been like? I will never know. That girl was not meant to be. There is no parallel universe where I am living somewhere happily bouncing my baby on my knee. I don't believe that. If I did it would be torture. Who would want to believe that? Nor do I believe that I am being punished and this is hell. I did nothing to deserve this. I don't think there is anything that anyone could do to deserve this... I believe there is a reason, and I may never know what that reason is. God had a plan. I will have a baby when I am meant to. I just wish there weren't so many baby bombs being dropped all over and blowing up in my face.

I survived. Came back in the room 10-15 mins. later. Sat down. Cried a little while listening to the rest of the sermon. Afterward I even found my friend and congratulated her. It was heartfelt. I really am happy. Just wish I had some happiness of my own in the same respect.

I just hope and pray that when that time DOES come that everyone I am close to handles it well. Happily. I will be upset if anyone has the gall to look scared that we can't financially support a child, etc. I. AM. NOT. WAITING. UNTIL. I. HAVE. MONEY. Money may "make the world go round" but it sure doesn't make a child's life better. Money doesn't buy happiness. I am not waiting because who knows what could happen. I want children. Hopefully more than one. And I will start trying when I can. If people plan to judge me they better get ready to see themselves OUT of my life. Judgements are not welcome here. Maybe I will wear that as a sign. Or get a shirt that says it.

Secretly I wish I could lock myself in a room until I am pregnant again. Sadly I doubt being pregnant will make any of these feelings go away. I think hearing baby news will always be hard, seeing pregnant bliss-filled woman will always be hard, getting invited to baby showers will always be hard. A pregnancy won't change that nor will a living baby on this Earth but sad feelings be damned. I want babies. I don't expect them to solve my lives problems. I just want to love them. And I will. I will love them here and in Heaven. For I will always have at least 2 children.

Their names are etched on my heart.

But there is room for more.....




Momma will always love you Riley & Peyton...

Heaven is for Real

I finished reading the book "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. It is fabulous. I highly recommend it!

In the book Colton tells his parents that he was in Heaven (while getting a surgery performed) and they knew he was telling the truth through the many things that he could not have known.

The first part of the book that really really hit me was when he told he his dad that there were "lots of kids" there! Immediately cried... thinking of my sweet babies in Heaven. He also says later in the book that he met his sister and that she told him that she "died in her tummy" and that she didn't have a name because you never gave her one. She is waiting for her name.

I was bawling for those pages. I was so happy that I gave my babies names. So happy that even though I don't know if their gender they have names that work for a boy or a girl and they are in Heaven with names :)
This book was just extremely touching. My sister-in-law sent it to me and it was so incredibly sweet of her! I loved it.

 This girl is discussed in the book: Akiane Kramarik - she also says she has been to Heaven and at the age of 4 began speaking of it and is an artistic prodigy. In the book the dad shows his son the picture Akiane painted of Jesus at the age of 8 and the for the first time (after showing him various artistic representations of Jesus) Colton says Akiane's painting is what Jesus looks like. Here is the painting and below it is a video about Akiane.

Young Artist's Paintings Inspired by GOD - Akiane Kramarik - Amazing videos are here

On that note baby shower invites are flying at me from everywhere it seems. I can't do it - I just can't. Honestly I don't know if I will be able to do another baby shower until my own. I just don't know. It's so hard. It's not that I am angry at these woman. I really am not at all. It's jut hard for me to see people celebrating something that I have failed at twice. I KNOW it was not MY fault but it still feels like failure. There was no positive result sooo I failed. It sucks. And especially since both these woman are due so close to when I would have been. Peyton's due date was tomorrow :*(  As of tomorrow I have passed both child's due dates and Riley's angelversary. I will pass Peyton's angelversary without a baby in my arms. I pray that by then I am pregnant.


It makes me sad that I feel like I will receive negative looks or opinions when I get pregnant again. People will think we are not financially prepared, etc. Well you know what I have lost both my children! I am NOT going to sit around and wait to be financially prepared to try again! We do not control what happens in our bodies - it is God's will (in my opinion). If I am meant to have a child I will! I REFUSE to wait till we have a house, or great jobs, or ____ amount in savings! By then I could be too old to have children! I'm NOT going to do it! If I have a baby then God will provide a way for us to provide for our baby.

I have been helping my cousin pack up her house this week. Mainly watching and playing with her two children who are the sweetest kids in the world. I love them SO much! I still remember when I drove to her house all alone after finding out I had lost Peyton. I cried for a minute and then had to stop myself because I didn't want her oldest to ask me why I was crying. I just hugged and kissed them both and silently prayed for God to help me keep it together. Silently prayed that I would one day have my own beautiful children. I still pray that prayer daily. Pregnancies and babies seem to be everywhere. People who have many children are pregnant. It's hard for that to not hurt a little. I'm not asking for a football team of children but a couple would be lovely. I just hope that is meant to be. Due dates are hard. But living every day without my babies is always hard... these dates are just harder.

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I will try to fix you"

Fix you - Coldplay


"i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on"

I Grieve - Peter Gabriel


***********************************


Momma misses you every day Riley & Peyton!

All is quiet... and I should be asleep...

I was reading a dear friend's blog tonight (or this morning given it is 4 am and I have yet to sleep) and she mentioned how she talks to her baby. I talk to my babies too... she inspired this post.

It's moments like this in the silence...when all the world around me is sleeping that I talk to my babies. Sometimes this happens in daytime when I am home alone. Often though it is at night when I am in a restless state of knowing that I should be sleeping but my body is fighting me. Most times when I talk to Riley & Peyton is when I am having a hard time. I tell them how much I love them and that I will never forget them. I ask them to bring me peace, to send their momma LOTS of love. I tell them I miss them and I wish they were here with me. I tell them I wish I was restless because they were crying or hungry or just needed to be held.

I mentioned in my blog awhile back how I loved this sculpture. A dear BLM sent it to me within a week or so after that post. I cherish it and can't thank Tiffany enough. She is a wonderful woman and I hope she knows how very much it means to me!  It makes me smile to think that there are angels holding my babies. They need to be held and since I can't hold them the image of someone holding them brings me peace. I look at this sculpture every day. I am thankful for that peace.

I was talking to one of my BLM friends the other day through email (we email each other a lot and I love that) and we were talking about how badly the majority of people handle speaking to us about our loss. I'm sure there is a book out there somewhere that tells people what NOT to say to someone who has experienced a loss. Well there should be one for what NOT to say to someone who has lost a child. People DON'T get it. For those Sci-fi lovers out there (Emily & Jamie :) hehe) I wish we could do what they do on the Matrix. Ya know? Hook people up to a machine and teach them in SECONDS what it is like to be us. What it is like to go through this. Or at least how to shut the heck up and think before they speak.

A few things NOT to say for those who don't know....
*You should be happy your babies are in Heaven
*Everything will be fine next time
*I know someone who had 6 miscarriages and then had 4 children
*You'll be fine
*At least it happened early
*I guess it wasn't meant to be
*It will get better in time
*Don't think about it so much
*Just forget it happened

and so on and so forth. I'm sure I could write endless pages filled with the stupidity that pours from people's mouths that they seem to think is wisdom....

For those of you out there that have said any of these idiotic things - we BLMs understand that society teaches us nothing about this tragedy or how to handle it. We appreciate that you even have the guts to speak up and say anything. But in the future... maybe just ask us how we are and listen... that'll go a long way...

If you have never heard it "Held" is a beautiful song by Natalie Grant. If you haven't take a chance to listen to it....





"The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off. How can I? LIGHT UP THE DARKNESS" - Will Smith quoting Bob Marley in the movie 'I am Legend'

It is now 4:30 am.... I should go to bed....

Riley & Peyton momma loves you very much. Peyton your due date would have been 12 days from now. And that day will make momma's heart a little heavy. I hope that this surgery was successful and that we can welcome a little brother and/or sister to the world in 2012. I think of you both always and will love you forever.

HSG surgery results

So I had my surgery - although really it was more of a procedure because it was crazy quick so I don'tknow why they consider it ambulatory surgery other than the fact that they want more money (by they I mean my blood sucking insurance company).

Anyways My uterus is V or heart shaped. Not great news but not horrible news either. This can mean one of two things the first (and in my opinion better of the two) is that I could have a septum in my uterus. Essentially all that means is that there is tissue separating my uterus. Apparently (from my research) all women have a septum in their uterus when they are developing before they are born and sometimes that septum doesn't dissolve as it is supposed to. So the doctor said in this case if the baby is implanting on this "tissue" it will not survive. This is an easy fix they just do a surgery and cut that tissue out therefore hopefully solving the problem :) I'm hoping that this is my issue!

Secondly is the worse news in my opinion. That would be that I have a bicornuate uterus. (According to that link apparently bicornuate is NOT usually associated with recurrent miscarriage but septate uterus - like I was talking about above - is associated with recurrent miscarriages.) If this is the case it looks the same the only difference is that the separation in this case is muscle not tissue. Therefore they would do nothing. I asked the doctor if I was screwed if I had a bicornuate uterus (yes LOL in that exact wording to a doctor haha) and he told me no that with women who have a bicornuate uterus they see them get further along with each pregnancy as the muscle learns to stretch more each time. Well that did not make ME feel better! I was 6 weeks or 20 with Riley and 10 with Peyton at that rate I would have to have a lot more lost children before one was viable :*(

Either way I have to get either Laproscopis surgery done or an MRI to diagnose whether it is tissue or muscle. I told him the MRI is obviously less invasive so that seems more logical to me. This was not my normal specialist though so on Monday when I go in for an ultrasound (again I have NO idea why I am doing that) I will ask my doctor about the difference between the two. If he tells me that there is a chance that the MRI may not find anything and that a lap makes more sense then I will do that I know that it is a very minimally invasive surgery. I will see what he thinks is the best plan. He does procedures like this all the time so I trust his judgment.

I don't know what to think honestly. The research I have done (i.e. the links above - I don't research TOO much it freaks me out and does no good) seems to point to septum because bicornuate isn't linked to recurrent miscarriages (or even first trimester miscarriages for that matter) whereas a septum is a large cause for miscarriage. Needless to say I think the septum sounds less terrifying and I am hoping that is my problem.
The negative there is that given we found issues no TTC this month as I hoped :*( and it will take a bit to get a ton of signatures so that the blood suckers cover the MRI (if that is the way the doc thinks I should go). Then he said if it's bicornuate then they just say carry on and there's nothing they do. It would mean high risk pregnancy in most cases from what I can tell. My obgyn seems pretty laid back about bicornuate uterus but it doesn't seem like something to be laid back about honestly. If it's a septum then I guess I have to go back on birth control (UGH!) to control my uterine lining from getting to thick. I have no idea HOW long I would have to be on the pill before they would do that surgery.

I realize that I have no control over that and whatever the issue with my uterus that issue is present and won't change but I am HOPING for a septum as weird as that sounds LOL seems to be the lesser of two evils.

I'll talk to the doc more on Monday and write more when I know more :)

Thanks for your prayers - it was pretty much pain free :)