Mommy mayhem

If you stopped on by hoping to read a fluffy post please refrain from reading.... ALSO please do not judge me and leave me a nasty comment - I have to approve comments so your attention seeking - need to slap me in the face with a rude bs remark - will get you nowhere....move along if you plan to be THAT person...

With that said life has been rough lately. Please do not take this as me being ungrateful for my rainbow Logan because I am VERY grateful! I love him with ever fiber of my being but when you get no sleep for days on end your rope to reality becomes rather frayed.

"I am a horrible mommy" has been playing through my head like a skipping record for days now. Logan screams.... he SCREAMS and SCREAMS and for no reason. No dirty diaper, not because he's hungry, not because he needs attention.... he just screams. He's often tired... I mean you would be too if you were 6 weeks old and has 3 freaking 30 minute naps in a span of 7-8 hours! But I mean MY GOODNESS you would not believe how much and how loud he screams and he doesn't just get tired and pass out! He JUST.KEEPS. GOING! It's unreal! Yesterday was the worst. He was like this over the weekend but my husband was home. Well yesterday he worked so from 3pm on it was just me....I cried. I cried a lot because, well, it hurts my heart to not be able to help my son relax. It makes me feel like a horrible mommy.

Yes, mind you, I realize that I'm sure this is colic and it's hit it's peak of horrificness (yes I know this is not a word) and that this is not my fault.... but tell that to an over-tired woman who for 9 months dreamed of bonding with her baby. Dreamed of a screaming baby that no one could soothe until MOMMY picked him up. Well, dreams they were, that's for sure. I know this is a stage. He will "grow out of it" blah blah blah... Well you know what? I'm going insane!

Here's how yesterday worked - 3pm awake and screaming - ate - still screaming - gave him a bath (he likes those) - then more screaming - slept for 30 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - tried to play - didn't help - ate again then slept 35 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - another bath (again he likes that so he calmed down) - more screaming again - finally slept another 30 minutes... More screaming until at 11pm he goes to sleep until 2am - my husband feeds him and he fell asleep at 3 - he brings him to bed at 4am and Logan's awake again at 5am! I feed him, he falls asleep at 6 - I take him to bed at 7 he's up at 7:30... I wake my husband up at 8am and finally get to sleep from 8:30-noon. Without that last 3 1/2 hours I don't know WHAT I'd do! Thank goodness my husband works nights! Since then he has slept a 30 minute nap and was screaming in between but has been sleeping 2 hours so far laying on me. I know, I know - I should lay him in his bed - well SERIOUSLY after the time he has been having I just want the child to sleep! I feel awful!!!

So at 5am I was just miserable I figured after not sleeping all day he would HAVE to sleep at night! Not so much..... so I was just crying, just SO tired. I don't blame the poor kid, he's just a baby but I need to sleep too! And you can't very well "sleep when baby sleeps" if he only sleeps 30 minutes! Rather useless to sleep 30 minutes! Seriously wondering hoe people manage to have a bunch of kids! I can't imagine going through this with a 2 year old in the house too! Just terrifying!

Last night I was searching blogs of other BLMs who had their rainbows before me - looking for some help for the 6 week age... well apparently their babies weren't colicky because I found no help. Which just made me feel worse - the equivalent of googling an ailment - just not helpful in the least. So I am just geared up and terrified for another scream filled day. I pray that this is just a baby who really needs to poop or something like that because they say colic can last up till 4 months and I can't imagine another 5 weeks of this..... pray for my sanity. I was finally feeling like things might improve.... friends told me it gets better at 6 weeks and then all hell broke loose right when it was supposed to "get better".

When I did get my moments of sleep I actually had dreams that someone cured my screaming Logan problem... only to wake up to screaming Logan and realize it was only the warped reality of my dream where he was cured and there was still nothing I could do to help.... :*(

He's so precious to me and I hate to see him so upset! Please pray that things improve. I love the poor little dude and I just want him to be a happy little snuggly baby again!

In other news... I posted HERE about my Nana who passed away 7/15/11 from cancer. My papa is now marrying one of her (well his too I suppose) friends in August. I am really hurt by this. They started "seeing each other" 3 months after my Nana died and while I KNOW my Papa loved my Nana that just seems extreme. They were married over 50 years so yea I know he's not used to being alone but my goodness!! UGH! This just really hurts my heart and the idea of her being around on Christmas which was SUCH a huge important holiday for my Nana is just horrible to me.... when my mom told me I cried (she didn't know that) - I can't imagine how my mom is handling this okay because I certainly am not. I can't imagine her EVER being Logan's grandma! Anyways... that's just been hard.... 

Hubby did get a promotion though and we have been preapproved for a loan for a house that we plan to start searching for.... hopefully things will continue to improve!

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron - 

Mommy and Daddy love you so much and even though your brother is a handful we wish you were all here with us. We will always miss you and love you! Please give Nana hugs and kisses we miss her dearly too!

Logan's Birth Story

For those that read the post weeks ago Logan was originally supposed to be born via a scheduled c-section on April 30th.... well he decided he wanted to choose his birthday.... here is his story.

On April 28th I was feeling HORRIBLE! My stomach was killing me and I barely ate anything, when I tried to eat dinner I threw up 6 times literally one minute after eating... I of course was totally freaked out and worried that something was wrong and this illness could hurt Logan. I called my Obgyn's answering service and asked for a call back from my doctor. Within about 10 minutes he called and basically told me that this could be my body preparing for labor and clearing out my system. He said if I could keep liquids down then there was no reason to be worried. This was at about 7pm and at 9pm I ate some chicken noodle soup (except I ate none of the chicken LOL). Around midnight I went to bed and told my husband he really should too in case I went into labor overnight. He didn't come to bed until 2am. At 3am I woke up to go to the bathroom and halfway down the hallway felt a huge kick... as I sat down to go to the bathroom I thought "huh, I have read about water breaking and they always talk about a big kick... how funny would that be if my water broke." but I didn't REALLY think it would. Well, I sat down and it happened - There was a gush of water and I knew I hadn't peed LOL so then I'm sitting there going ummmm what do I do because I know that it just keeps gushing once it breaks. SO I manage to get up to get a pad and all and I look in the toilet and the water is brown! So I knew that was NOT a good thing as that meant Logan had passed his meconium while in the womb. So I was slightly terrified by the complications that could arise from that but dwelling would not help any of that so I went into prepare mode and got moving. LUCKILY I had packed everything I could weeks before and hours before had packed everything except pillows, etc. in case labor did happen so I didn't have much to grab. I called the hospital and told them my water broke, the meconium was in the water, and that most likely it would still end up being a c-section given my discussion with my doctor.

At around 3:30 or so I woke my husband up. He is not an easy man to wake up. I was like "Nate! Nathan! BABE! Honey WAKE UP!" Finally he was like "What?" I said "My water broke!" He was like "Huh? REALLY?" he then say straight up and said "WHAT DO WE DO?" lol - I said we get our stuff together and go to the hospital silly!!! Then I told him to get ready and I called my parents. They said they would head out as soon as they got ready. Ten I grabbed my list of the last minute things I needed to grab such as pillow, eye mask, ear plugs, etc.

We got to the hospital at about 4:15am and checked in and then we were sent right on up to the maternity ward. I was taken to a room and given the ever lovely hospital gown and told to change, etc. Then I got in bed and they hooked up an IV - first attempt was unsuccessful because they said I was most likely dehydrated from being so sick the day before.... lucky me - I HATE needles! The second attempt failed and the third finally worked - yikes! I was checked and I was 80% effaced and 2cm dilated. My contractions had been pretty light until about 30 minutes of being in bed then they started to suck big time!!! They very quickly went from like 7 minutes apart to 5 minutes apart and after about an hour to an hour and a half they were 2 minutes apart. In the meantime I would like to mention that my water continued to gush out - seriously the GROSSEST most uncomfortable thing ever!! While the contractions were horribly painful the hot water gushing out every couple minutes was just disgusting and horrible - I HATED IT!!!

So at around 8am they checked to see if there was any progress - there was NONE! Geesh! So the doctor was called. When he came in an hour later he checked and I was more like 4-5cm dilated but the head was not in a good position at all, the baby was face up, and given the meconium in the water there could be added risks. So I was given the option of natural labor continuing or choosing a c-section. I choose a c-section. By 9:30 a catheter was put in - I wasn't overly worried about it because I had a catheter put in before but HOLY CRAP it was not good - needless to say the last time I had it done the person was much better - eek! While that was being done Nate was told to put his suit on over his clothes so he could come into the room for the surgery. My contractions were still every 2 minutes at this point and very very painful - I had basically been in tears for over an hour at that point and was terrified of getting the spinal especially with the contractions I was having! Next I was shaved - not cool - you know how they have electric razors with the attachments etc. for cutting men's hair? Well when there is NO attachment it's just that metal thing... well THAT is what they shaved me with - Yikes! Then they rolled me out of the room and into surgery after a kiss from my hubby.

I was beyond terrified when, after switching to the surgical table they asked me to sit on the edge to get my spinal. Upon sitting up a horrible contraction started and I was crying from pain but also from being terrified that I would get another contraction when they gave me the spinal! Luckily they did a fabulous job and it wasn't bad at all!!! The IV and catheter were way worse! After that I had to lay back down and they quickly strapped down both my arms and hung up the blue "curtain" to block the gory show from my eyes ;) Then I they were pinching me to see if I felt pain...I didn't. I heard them calling for Nate (who had apparently ran back to the room for our camera) and a minute or two later he was sitting by me holding my right hand. The meds made me itchy so it was driving me crazy that I couldn't itch my face. After about (I'm guessing) 15 minutes they pulled the "curtain" down and all I saw was Logan's feet and it was back up - no crying!!! 0 they told Nate to sit down and I guess ran over to the warmer with Logan. Nate and I were both crying at this point and had no idea what was going on - all I kept asking was "is he okay???" Finally Nate said he was and seconds later Logan was screaming bloody murder! I asked what time he was born and they told me 10:19am. They brought him over to see me for the first time and after kissing him a few times he punched me LOL - sassy little bugger takes after his mommy ;)

Nate went to the nursery with Logan while they weighed him, etc. and I got put back together. A nurse came in to tell me he weighed 9 lbs. 3 oz. and was 21 inches long. They gave me Zofran halfway through gluing me up (they glue the incision instead of stitching) because I started feeling nauseous and after what seemed like forever (probably more like 40 minutes) they were blowing up this balloon thing around me and sliding me back to my hospital bed (that was entertaining lol).Then I was wheeled back to my room and before going in saw my parents and my papa looking into the nursery watching daddy and Logan :) At that point I believe it was about 11:30am and they asked if I wanted to see Nate - I said sure - then they said he was still in the nursery so I told them to let him stay with Logan and my papa came in to see me. After that my parents came in and after what seemed like forever and about 12:20 or so Nate wheeled Logan in and I got to hold my son in my arms for the first time. Of course I was bawling - I was so happy - it was SO surreal. I was a mommy and I was HOLDING MY SON! I told him he was beautiful and we had been waiting a long time to see him and that his nana and his siblings in Heaven were so happy he was safe! While pieces of my heart will always be with Riley, Peyton, and Cameron I never would have thought I could ever love someone as much as I love my sweet little Logan. My life changed so drastically in that second that I was handed my son. I feel sometimes that there is not enough room in my chest and that my heart will just burst with all the love I have for him. As I write this he is laying on my chest. Snuggling with him is the best feeling in the world. I never would have imagined he would be so amazingly cute or how massive the amount of love I have for him would be. Also just how much more I love my husband for going on this journey with me and seeing him become and amazing father to our son. I am one blessed mama!

I was in the hospital for 5 days. Logan was admitted the 5th day - and I was allowed to stay with him - because he had jaundice and other then when he was feeding he was under the lights for 18 hours straight. It was awful to barely get to see him but they were nice enough halfway through the day to wheel the incubator into my room so that I could at least SEE him. For the most part my stay was lovely. I had my issues but other than one nurse who decided to push with all her might on my uterus (if I hadn't been screaming in pain I would have literally PUNCHED her) the other nurses were all great. I had issues with the fact that they did not have consistent thoughts on breastfeeding and I believe the "advice" I basically had to take (I mean I couldn't get out of bed so what could I do) is what made breastfeeding not possible :( Logan was a great little latcher but all the nurses (except for a select few) kept telling me I had to let him sleep and let him go HOURS without letting me try to nurse him. At one point they let him sleep for 7 hours! So I truly believe this had a HUGE effect on my milk never coming in. I have since gotten over this but not being able to breastfeed was easily the saddest most upsetting part of my recovery so far. I did everything I was told to though so I do not blame myself for this outcome! He is a content little man even if he does have to be formula fed. His jaundice is almost completely gone at this point and he is doing very well. His little stump fell off his belly button yesterday so we look forward to that healing up and are happy that ugly black stump is gone ;) I will try to update when I can, for now here are some more pictures :) if you made it through the whole story - WAY TO GO :) :) and thanks for caring enough to read Logan's lengthy tale :)

Daddy & Logan

 Logan in his car seat on the way home

Welcome home Logan

In his swing :)

all wrapped up in the Moby - mommy doing dishes

Logan loves the Moby :)

Daddy feeding Logan

Logan with his new puzzle stool from Nate's Aunt (and family)

I love this little guy!

I love his "fleeting smiles" in his sleep!

AND his stretching face ;)

What can I say? I could stare at him ALL day long and not be bored one bit!! 

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron-

Thank you for watching over mommy, daddy, and your brother. We love you so much and know that you will always keep a close eye on Logan. Keep sending mommy peace and give Nana lots and hugs and kisses and tell her we can't wait for Logan to meet her one day! <3

Welcome Logan Charles Malloy!!

More to come soon but I know many have been waiting to hear the big news.... so for those of you who aren't friends with me on Facebook --- sorry for the wait! Things have been hectic ;)

Logan Charles decided to choose his own birthday (birth story coming soon with far more info).

He was born on April 29th at 10:19am via c-section. 9 lbs. 3 oz. and 21 inches long :)

Perfect in every way and far cuter than I could have ever imagined. We are soo soo blessed! I know Riley, Peyton, and Cameron were smiling down on us and watching over us through the whole pregnancy and especially through labor.

Not happy - he was comfy inside mommy

Meeting Logan for the very first time

Logan with Cameron "Molly Bear" 

Logan with his proud daddy

Looking dapper in his going home outfit

Our blessed, happy family

Still waiting....

So first of all may I say I hate the new Blogger set up! I am the type of person that likes things to stay the way they are once I am used to them. I don't like Facebook's stupid Timeline and I don't like Bloggers "new look" (although I DO like that I can easily see how many times my posts have been read - good to know some people are still out there reading!).... I digress.

On Friday we found out that yet again there is NO progress. I am not dilated at all and Logan has not dropped - UGH! 40 weeks today and nothing to show towards any progress. It's very frustrating. Thankfully they will not let me go past 41 weeks. That is what I am the most afraid of so I am happy that I won't go past 41 weeks.

We ALSO found out that technically my due date is the 25th not today (the 23rd) - I still consider today my due date because it's ridiculous that no one told me until Thursday that it was different. So whatever. Anyways.... I have and ultrasound to check what they estimate Logan's weight at and then after that an NST to see how he is doing (this part makes me nervous because I hope he does ok). I am glad that they are taking the initiative to see how the pregnancy is going at least. Both my doctors at some point have made comments to the fact that my pelvic bone region is VERY narrow so I am thinking even if I do happen to go into natural labor on my own he probably won't fit.... So hopefully on Thursday if there is still no progress they will just schedule and ultrasound. I am PRAYING it will be for Friday because my husband already has Friday and Saturday off but it may have to wait until Monday :( which would be more of a pain in the butt. But we'll have to figure it out somehow....

Anyways.... just thought I would update.


I plan to wear a necklace I bought awhile back to the hospital... this is what it says:  " Lil' babies, 


we will never forget you... Let a part of my angel babies' souls be reflected in the spirit of my 


future child so that I may know them better. May the Lord hole my lil' babies tightly in His strong, 


loving arms until I can. May the angels sing them sweet lullabies, but only until I get there."








Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,


We love you sweet babies.... and we always, always will <3

The waiting game...

The last week or so has been rough. I'm crazy emotional and just so uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong I am THRILLED to be pregnant it's just that I want to HOLD Logan now!!! I know I will miss feeling him move inside me and I truly do cherish every movement but I'm so anxious. He is measuring ahead by 3 weeks or so and I just want him to be okay! I have no reason to think he won't be but when does anyone have reason... it still happens.

I'm not the same naive girl I was when I was pregnant with Riley. I KNOW how so many lost their babies. I know of many who's babies were fine at 39 weeks and when they went overdue they lost the baby. These stories terrify me. I do not want to lose my fourth child. I want to hold him in my arms and love him and kiss him for years to come. I want him to outlive me. To love his angel siblings. I want him here with me on Earth. Of course, I wish all my babies could be with me on Earth but I wake up every day to the reality that they can't be. But Logan can. He is still healthy and strong and I just don't want him to get so big that something happens before he can be born. He hasn't dropped yet (as of last week and I still don't think he has as of today) and as of last week there was no dilation or progress of any kind. I worry his head is too big and he may not be ABLE to drop down. If that's the case they will schedule a c-section for next friday. I wish it could be tomorrow but I will survive.

I told one of my doctor's last week that I am just very anxious after all we have been through and she said "All mom's are anxious at this point. Trust me." and I'm going well OF COURSE they are but I mean SERIOUSLY? I lost three babies - one of them being Logan's twin! I have a whole other kind of anxiety!! Most moms I'm sure are anxious about the pain of labor, when their child will be born, or about the pregnancy being over already, etc. I am anxious over my baby being born ALIVE! Most women are naive and think that once they are pregnant they are safe or at the very least once they hit 2nd trimester they are safe... most wouldn't even have it cross their minds that their baby may not be born alive into this world. So YEA I think my anxiety is a BIT different.

Again PLEASE don't curse me and my worrying and think that I don't appreciate the blessing that Logan is...I DO appreciate him - SO VERY MUCH! That is why I worry as much as I do. I have wanted to have children for as long as I can remember and I never imagined I would go through SO much to have a child. I am grateful to be at this point I just want to see this pregnancy completed with a healthy alive child in my arms! I have faith that all will be okay - without my faith I don't know where I would be right now.... but I still worry. I'm not perfect by any means...

I can't explain the past week or two but they just drag. I am so emotional for no reason really other then anxiety and worry. Don't get me wrong I don't sit around and have horrible day dreams all day I just want to know there is a completion to this pregnancy in sight. A day when I know that by that day at the latest I will meet my son! It's all just slowed down SO much.... I feel like last friday's appointment was a month ago. It's crazy to make it through 9 months, that for the most part went fast, and then have the end just seem like a lifetime. Non BLM's that I know are telling me to "enjoy these last moments of time to myself", etc. - and I'm going I have enjoyed them and I am ready to NOT have them anymore. I am ready to leave behind my "me" time and designate that time to Logan and my family. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I know I could never be fully prepared for how my life will change - but I know it will - BRING IT ON! I'll miss my sleep and my t.v. time and being able to go to a movie whenever I want or a "quick" trip to the store.... but who freaking cares!!! All that I can think of now is the day I will get to hold Logan in my arms and I know that I will never be able to imagine how wonderful it will be but I can't wait to experience it!! Maybe the next time I write it will be about Logan's birth..... <3

Latest Belly Shot (from last week)

Here's the latest picture - but it was from LAST week as I am currently 39w3d)

Belly Progression :)

Riley, Peyton, Cameron -

We love you so much and wish you were here with us, playing and laughing. We know you are happy and healthy in Heaven and I am sure Nana is having so very much fun with her great grandchildren. Hug each other tightly and give Nana so many kisses and hugs too - tell her how I wish you could all be here to meet Logan when he is born <3 I love you all so very very much it hurts my heart - send mommy love and lots of peace this week <3

Baby Shower and getting closer.....

So I know I have been super horrible about updating this blog since I have been pregnant - I admit it totally and completely! But ya know what? When preparing for a baby there is just SO much on your mind - yikes! Then of course I hit 34 weeks (I am now 36w3d) and it was like I ran into a brick wall - just NO energy! Geesh!

So here is the long awaited baby shower photos :) Mainly this post will be pictures because in all honesty I don't have the energy to come up with a word filled post (sad I know). The bigger Logan gets the less useful I become LOL!

This group of photos was from the first shower that was at the end of Feb. - the theme was pirate - as that is Logan's nursery theme :)

A dear friend made this to hang at the shower!

Logan's chest I painted was used for cards :)

His letters for his room were also decoration

My little sis, me. and my mom :)

Some of the presents :)

Some of the guests :)

Super cute cakes!

His room theme is pirates - how cute it this onesie?

AWESOME Rug for Logan's room!

His bouncer :) It vibrates and has a heartbeat sound - very cool 

The baby einstein jumper - my friends baby was fascinated by it LOL

Ornament that says "It's a boy!" SO CUTE!

These next few photos are from my second shower that was March 10th at my cousin's house - it was mainly family members (from my dad's side of the family) and a few close friends :)

Cake my cousin made - it was amazingly yummy as always!

Me with the cake :)

My cousin who threw the shower (to the left of me) and my sister to my right - playing a game :)

the beautiful blanket my aunt made!

Yea so I LOVE frogs so this blanket ROCKS :) hehe!

More frogs! SCORE! Love it! Even a cute little hat!

This is a fabulous floor gym thing - Logan can kick the piano hehe :)

Both my showers were lovely and I was EXTREMELY BLESSED! Logan now has all the items he needs - we did just order his take home onesie but that should be here in time I hope :)


Here are all the alphabet paintings :) They are done - now I am just waiting on my dad to stain a huge board so that we can screw all the canvases to it (and by we I mean him LOL). Once that and the shelf (to hang Logan's letters on) are done we can hang the last couple decorations and his room will be complete!

A-L that I posted back around Halloween!

Moon & Nest

Owl & Penguin

Queen & Robot

Snail & Turtle

Umbrella & Viper

Watermelon & Xylophone

Yellow Jacket & Zebra

The entire group - this is how they will be laid out on the board :)


My last ultrasound was March 15th when I was 34w3d and Logan was estimated to weight almost 6 lbs. - he's a big boy!
I CAN'T WAIT TO HOLD HIM!

He is getting to the point now where he is making mama VERY uncomfortable! Soooo I am hoping that since I am full term on Monday that he will choose to be ready a bit early! That would be nice!


Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mommy and Daddy love you so very much :) We will tell Logan all about you! Please take care of each other and tell Nana we miss her so much too! So glad she can be with you and that one day we will all be together. We will never forget you my loves! <3

Decorations for Logan's room

In this post you can see the alphabet art that I am making for Logan's room. I got massively sidetracked over the holidays so I have yet to complete more on that project. LUCKILY I was much more motivated to finish my pirate ship items given they are being used as decorations for my baby shower in a couple weeks :) I painted a pirate ship AND Logan's name :)

Pirate ship I hand painted for Logan's room

These letters that I hand painted match "Pirate Party" by Kidsline which is the nursery bedding for Logan's room :)

In the coming weeks I will certainly be taking pictures of everything in the babies' room :) We are vacuuming all the Gabby hair (my cat) out of there this weekend and setting the crib up :) I am VERY excited about it :)
When that post comes I will tell you the amazing story of the lovely items a dear sweet BLM sent me!

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron:

Mommy loves you. Your grandpa stained the shelf that will be for your items in Logan's room :) I will ALWAYS make sure that he knows all about you and how important you are to this family! Give Nana a big hug and kiss for me!