Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 recap

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Got pregnant twice and said goodbye to both my babies :*(

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make 
more for next year? 
No I didn't lose weight until recently and I plan to do my best to
lose weight THIS year!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes my cousin and a friend on Riley's due date :*( 
but I am thrilled for them both - it's just hard....

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My sweet Riley & Peyton...

5. What countries/states did you visit?
Just Adirondacks in NY - no where outside NY...

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Have a baby that will live on this Earth with us!

7. What dates/events from 2010 will remain etched upon 
your memory, and why?

(all are baby loss related)

1/25/10 - positive test
2/11/10 - first u/s - no heartbeat @ 6-7 weeks
2/15/10 - confirmed Hcg levels decresed
2/17/10 - a doc tells me he can't do D & C for 6-8 weeks!
2/23/10 - my original doc sets up D & C for next day
2/24/10 - D & C
3/10/10 - tested for abnormal thyroid (came back normal)
7/19/10 - positive test
7/22/10 - my birthday - positive increase in Hcg (blood test)
7/26/10 - first u/s - saw heartbeat @ 6.5 weeks
8/16/10 - u/s - saw heartbeat again @ 9 weeks 5 days
8/19/10 - prenatal checkup - u/s - no heartbeat @ 10+ weeks
8/27/10 - D & C
9/10/2010 - found specialist
9/24/2010 - all blood tests came back normal
& diagnosed with underactive thyroid
12/10/10 - HSG - V shaped uterus -
either have bicornuate or septate uterus.
12/28/10 - MRI (to see if septate or bicornuate)
12/29/10 - diagnosed with septate uterus (FIXABLE!)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Living through my loss without going crazy, my husband and I 
surviving the loss of our babies with lots of love for each other.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not having my babies - but I now know for a fact that there was 
no way for them to live my uterus was making it impossible... while 
it is my bodies fault I know that it was nothing I did... 

So other than that not getting a teaching job and/or losing my job 
(though neither were do to me not trying my hardest!)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
 Lots and lots of grief and latel far too many colds!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I would say my baby loss jewelry - my two necklaces which I cherish :)

also, I am glad that we have a new apartment (but we rent it) 

& Currently I am GREATLY enjoying our Kinect :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
All my FABULOUS new BLM friends who have given me such support 
and let me know that they are there for me - I thank each and every one
of you for your love <3

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I would say all the complete idiots that said ridiculously stupid 
things and told me in more words to get over my babies and 
move on and try again.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, bills, surgeries, and doctor bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Well so far the only thing I have been excited about that wasn't 
crushed (like my pregnancies) is the new fabulous news that my septate 
uterus can be FIXED!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I will carry you and Unredeemed by Selah
Held by Natalie Grant

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
a) happier or sadder? sadder (last year I hadn't lost both my children)
b) fatter or thinner? fatter or similar (not sure which)
c) richer or poorer? Poorer (I have been jobless since May)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Eaten healthier - listened to the first doctor who told me Riley 
as gone and gotten a HSG SOONER therefore this surgery could
have been done a long time ago but I know I cannot control 
everything - I am just happy it is figured out and will be fixed soon!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being quick to judge others I guess. I don't do it often but when 
I do I always worry that there is a reason they are the way they are 
and I don't understand their circumstances...

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With family :)

21. Which blogspot people did you meet this year?
Everyone - I didn't have a blog until the end of August this year... 
You all mean SO SO much to me!

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
With my babies - yes - and I will ALWAYS love them!

23. How many one-night stands?

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Hmm so many.... NEW favorite - Mike & Molly, S#*! my dad says, 
and Hawaii Five-O
old favorites are: Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Lie to Me, 
GLEE, and Community...

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
26. What was the best book you read?
"An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth 
McCracken....and "I will carry you" by Angie Smith - both about
losing a baby.Recently Firefly Lane was also an awesome
book (not about baby loss).

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
LaCrae - a Christian rapper - he is amazing.

28. What did you want and get?
A husband that has loved me through these hard times even though 
we have not been married long - we have a STRONG marriage!

29. What did you want and not get?
My sweet Riley in my arms , My sweet Peyton in my arms.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Hmmm Inception was pretty amazing. Rabbit Hole was an amazing film
and amazing for the community of those that have lost a child to have
that to show to those they know to help them understand even a little
bit more. 
Also recently Black Swan was great as was 127 Hours...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My pregnancy was confirmed with positive Hcg increase - it was the 
best birthday gift ever! We went to see Predators with my dad and 
went to Fudrucker's where I told my dad I was pregnant. (little did
I know that less than a month later at 10 weeks Peyton my second 
baby would also be gone) I turned 29 ...

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably 
more satisfying?
Obviously having Riley or if I had lost Riley to still be
pregnant with Peyton...

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Same as it has been for years. Nice clothes that are also COMFORTABLE!

34. What kept you sane?
My family (especially my mom), my husband (who has been so
amazing this year), my new BLM friends, and OF COURSE - my
faith in God (without my faith I don't know where I would be -
but I know it wouldn't be good)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Well I think Lilly Allen because she recently lost a baby and Pink 
because she recently announced she is pregnant and is also a BLM.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Everything about our current president stirs me - and NOT in a 
good way. Though I try to stay away from politics because all 
they do is make me mad and I have enough problems...

37. Who did you miss?
Riley & Peyton

38. Who was the best new person you met?
ALL my new BLM friends... and my specialist because without
him we may never have found out my uterus issue was fixable!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Never to be naive and expect that things happen to other people 
but not me. Because they can and did happen to me...Also that 
God can give me the strength to handle anything...


I want to end this by saying GOODBYE 2010 you will NOT be missed!
I am grateful to have learned that my uterus issue is fixable and that 
is a happy way to end out this crappy crappy year. 

I do want to take this time to thank my sweet babies Riley & Peyton... 
You have taught me how to love and have compassion... to 
understand that we may not always understand what others have 
endured.  I thank you for that. I love you for how much you have 
taught me in the short time that you were with me - please know 
that you will always be in my heart. Mommy and Daddy love you 
and miss you so so much!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

MRI results are in...

So in case you don't remember - or didn't know - I had a hysteropingogram a few weeks ago where they shot dye in my uterus to see if there was issues.... there was. My uterus was shaped like a V (sort of like below)

If that part that juts down is muscle - then it's bicornuate uterus - if it's tissue - then it's a septate uterus. I was told at the appointment that tissue can be easily removed in a simple laproscopic surgery and if it's muscle nothing could be done. With muscle they say that with every pregnancy you get further along (so bascially more losses were a huge possibility).

So without further ado.............. HAPPY NEWS! It's a septate uterus and it's tissue! :) :) :) So I have an appointment on Tuesday with my doctor to discuss the surgery and set it all up - my doc said that it should be able to get scheduled in January! :) :) :)

Apparently the separation is almost so bad that it completely separates my uterus. Apparently the tissue is even attached to my cervix! But again... nothing to worry about the doctor says it will be all fixed with surgery.

I am SO blessed to have this specialist - apparently the MRI results read bicorunate uterus but my doctor said he thought it was incorrect and that they don't deal with such issues often and when he discussed it with the guy that did the results - he said they then agreed that it was tissue :) SO blessed that he took the initiative and cared enough to know that the results were incorrect. Some other doctor may have just said - ehhhhhh bicornuate sorry - ya know? SO BLESSED! Thank the Lord! I am so happy!

Also...I just read that with a septate uterus the chance of miscarriage is 90% WOAH that's huge - so apparently this surgery in most cases takes the miscarriage chances down to 15% which is the average chance anyways - so that is ALSO great :) I will still be worried the next time I am pregnant but this is great great news :)

Thank you for all of your prayers!

*** Check it out - I added "My baby loss journey" on my left column ***

So I am thrilled to end 2010 with HAPPY NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Words where their warmth should be....

Writing on this blog has become less of an every day thing in the past month or two and more of a place to share my opinions (Cheers & Jeers), my anger, my sadness, my pain, and even my joy. I come to this blog because I can take this blogger box and fill it with my every hope, wish, and dream. I can be honest, forthright, and fearless. This place is for me, for me and my babies. As I write this I am welling up with tears because it makes me so angry, so deeply sad that this is all I have of them. These words are my memories, my moments in time, my words that must replace what should have been their warmth in my arms.

This tear filled post could have been a fitful cry in the middle of the night, a diaper change, a feeding, my baby just wanting to be held. I managed the holidays so far with smiles and laughter. Created ornaments and stocking for my children that I will hang in the years to come on every Christmas tree we have for the rest of my God given life. I created the only memories I could and I helped to create memories for other BLMs by making ornaments and participating in an ornament exchange, a card exchange, and a gift exchange.

Today at church (you can read about it in more detail on the previous post) our youth pastor spoke and at the end of the sermon we found out that one of his wife's students (she teaches physical education) had lost her 2 year battle with cancer on Christmas Eve (she would have been 16 in May). 2 weeks before she made it clear that she believed in God, had been saved, and so they knew when she passed that we would one day see her in Heaven. I didn't know this girl but I knew the love my friends had for her and even though they were thrilled they would meet her in Heaven again one day they were filled with sadness too. I didn't know her but I cried, I cried for my friends loss, and even more for her dear parents. They entered this grief journey, this sad club, this monumental group of people that we wish would stop growing. I know I can do nothing to take away their pain but I am making them an angel plaque for their sweet girl and I hope that brings them a small amount of peace through their tears.

(If you have not read the book FIREFLY LANE and wish to one day DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH THAT IS IN RED! It will give away the ending. You have been warned! After the red feel free to continue reading!)

I also just finished Firefly Lane which midway through shocked me with a miscarriage and then at the end the death of one of the characters. She died of cancer. Her first child she miscarried at 4 months, then went on to have a baby girl, and then quite a few years later twin boys. Her best friend urged her to write "her story" so that her children could know all about their mother even after she was gone. She did. All I could think through this was this is my story and my babies can't ever read it. The story would have made me cry anyways but this made me sob. When the book was done I had to leave the room so I wouldn't wake up my poor husband (who actually has to wake up to go to work in 3 hours). However, God can tell them all about me and I know I will meet them one day... but it still just plain sucks. No two ways around that...


I have my MRI on Tuesday. I am terrified. I am hopeful - but I can't bear the idea that my hope could be crushed - I know I will survive it if it is - but I am terrified of the prospect of that looming anvil that could crush crush crush. My cousin's husband is doing the MRI so I am glad that it is someone I can trust. I am not thrilled with enclosed spaces but was told to wear my sleeping mask so that the space won't freak me out and I can bring music to listen to for the hour I am in the contraption. (I have worn a sleeping mask to bed since 7th grade EVERY night - that's over 18 years! Crazy but true! And not the SAME one for 18 years...that would be gross!) But the process is the least of the worries. Obviously I am terrified that I will be told that the problem with my uterus - the reason it is shaped like a capital V is that it is bicornuate and that it is extra muscle essentially splitting my uterus practically in two. This would be the bad news - the crusher. The HOPEFUL news would be that it is TISSUE and can therefore be easily removed through surgery and once healed could POSSIBLY solve my miscarriage issues. I'm praying for tissue but terrified of the bicornuate anvil that is the muscle diagnosis. I will fill you in when I know more. Until then.... think and pray TISSUE!


My tears have dried, and my mind has stilled.... yet again this blog has helped me. I thank God for this space and all of you wonderful readers everyday. The blogging BLM community has meant so much to me. I know you always will. Even if I lose touch with some of you over time, your names and your babies names are engraved on my heart....please know this. Also I added a CONTACT area in the upper left hand column of my blog. Feel free to write me and email if you ever wish to ask questions or would like to talk to me about anything, even as simple as what I think of a movie (I also have a movie review blog LOL)...I leave you with this touching clip from the Rabbit Hole (it won't ruin the movie don't worry!)

I reviewed Rabbit Hole HERE.

<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value=";hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src=";hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”-Revelation 21:4

Faithfully following Him....

Those who hate religious talk - I'm sorry but it's a large part of me and a HUGE part of this grief journey - I am not trying to convert you, offend you, or anything of the sort but this is MY area and my faith in Christ is a huge part of the package that is me. If you wish to read no further I understand and do not judge in any way...

Today in church our youth pastor gave a wonderful sermon about how Jesus is the only true king and how he should be the center of our lives.
He spoke about how He should give us identity, value, purpose, security - because HE will NEVER let us down. NEVER. He is always there for us - thick or thin, through trials and tribulations, He will never leave our side. As the end he asked us to ask some questions to ourselves. These were the questions....
1--Who/what is my Judge I am living to earn the approval of?
2--Who/what is my Lord that rules over my life determining how I live?
3--Who/what do I look towards for my significance?
4--Who/what if taken from your life would cause you to not walk as faithfully with God?
5--Who/what do I devote my time and money to?

My answers:
1--I am looking to earn approval from God, to walk as rightly as I can in this world and to be the example I should be for Him to others.

2--The Lord rules over my life and I do the best I can to make that clear to others though I am not perfect.

3--This ones tough - I put a lot of significance into being a mother - I look towards having children as making my life significant. Before that (and even sometimes still I looked to getting a teaching job because that could make me have a significant impact on children). I know the Lord knows all and He is all I need but sometimes, I will not lie, my mind is clouded with those other thoughts.

4--Well obviously both my children were taken from me and I still walk faithfully. Could my walk be better? Sure - and I will work to improve that - but I survived this hurricane in my life so far. If all possibility of having children was taken from me I would stumble in my walk - I would be freaking mad - but I would not give up on God. If my husband was taken from me the same would happen but I would not give up on God. I pray that NEITHER of these things will occur. I pray my trials with having children will soon be over and that my husband will be with me until the day I die. But I am not dumb enough to think I control this either....

5--I don't devote enough time to God of this I am sure. Mainly I devote a lot of time to my art, my blog, my husband, etc. and my money - to bills. Given unemployment it has made tithing an issue that will be resolved in time. But I could surely devote more time to God.

I pray that my faith will blossom and that my time with God will increase. I know that my babies are with Him and I hope my babies know how much I love them and God. If they are watching, listening, peeking in from time to time...I want them to be proud of their momma as I am proud of them.

I miss you my sweet Riley & Peyton and I always will. I hope you enjoyed Christmas in Heaven - I'm sure it was a glorious site to behold!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas to all.....

I couldn't even logically explain why on Earth I am still awake at 1am on Christmas day but.... I've been sick and had things to catch up on.

I managed to be well enough to help out and fill in with some singing at the Christmas Eve service tonight (the service was GREAT - it ends in a church filled with lit candles singing Silent Night SO beautiful - I teared up a few times thinking about my Riley & Peyton but all in all it was beautiful), yesterday I baked 3 batches of cookies. Today I made pumpkin mousse, 2 pumpkin pies, and a breakfast bake to eat tomorrow. Given we have to be to my parents at 8am AGAIN I have no idea why I am insane and still up....

Well I have a little of an idea. I decided top frost some of the cookies I made then I remembered that I had to paint these CUTE cardboard cupcakes I bought my mom. I have had them for forever but OF COURSE did not remember this until 11pm or so! Now I must wrap these with earrings I made inside and then even thought we have not finished Home Alone I must sleep! We watched It's a Wonderful Life which is my favorite so I am satisfied. I sewed Riley & Peyton's names on two mini stockings also tonight :)

Here are the stockings, cupcakes and the various other things I made :)

I bought this at Michael's for Peyton :)

Same thing - for Riley

Cupcakes for my momma :)

Ornament for Riley & Peyton- based on poem sent to me by Melissa Terrill :)


My ornaments from the ornament exchange!

I received SO MANY Christmas cards from BLMs -- FAR more then I have ever received from family or 'real life' friends!! Thank you SO much to EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!

I wish you all a peaceful and happy Christmas day! God Bless you all!


Monday, December 20, 2010

The Rabbit Hole!

Ok so even though this movie was VERY limited release I figured out a way to watch it.

There is a link below to one of my OTHER blogs (my movie review blog) where I wrote a review of the movie.

Check it out - I could copy and paste it but that didn't strike me till right not. I have a respiratory infection so I can't even believe I got on here to write anything.

CLICK HERE to check it out. If at all interested follow my blog I review movies all the time :)

Oh and keep me in your prayers that I feel better in the next few days I don't want this to turn into bronchitis! If it did I couldn't celebrate Christmas with my family :*(

Also I was brought to tears by this beautiful Christmas card sent to me by Mikayla's momma. I don't know where she found it or if she wrote it but it is amazing and I felt the need to share it - hope you don't mind Melissa! <3

I see the countless Christmas trees, around the world below, with tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year! I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, but the sounds of music can't compare with Heaven's Choir up here. I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring, for it's far beyond description just to hear the angels sing! I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, but I'm not so very far away ; we're really not apart. So be happy for me, Dear Ones, you know I hold you dear. And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year! I send you each a special gift from my Heavenly home above. I send you each a memory of my undying love! After all, love is The Gift more precious than pure gold. It was always more important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do, for I can't count the blessings or the love He has for you! So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear. Remember...I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!

<3 Riley & Peyton <3

Momma misses you so much but I am at peace that you are able to spend Christmas and EVERY DAY with Jesus Christ! I love you so so much!

and remember $5 off angel plaques from now until 2011 :)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The giveaway winners & $5 off angel plaques

I would just like to thank each and EVERY one of you for participating in my giveaway and telling me more about yourself. I am so incredibly sorry for every one's losses. I wish that I had endless time and money and I could make something for every single one of you! I wish you all a peaceful Christmas and a New Year filled with so SO much happiness! 


I put these into so you are going to have to trust that these are the winners because I am too DARN sick (for the 3rd time in 7 weeks!) to post all the pictures :*( 

OK sooooo I choose 4 winners! One because I wanted to - so my Pay it forward act of kindness goes to......

Brianna :) Please just pay this kindness forward in honor of Riley & Peyton! I would LOVE to make a bracelet for your husband. It's mutli-colored (like in the pictures) and I hope that will be okay - I don't believe I have any other letters that are not colored. Go HERE to fill out the bracelet order form - make sure you have wrist size and what words/names you would want to have on the bracelet :)

WINNER # 1 for the frame is......

Bree :)   Please go HERE (for quote frame) or HERE (for plaid frame) to fill out the form for your FRAME :)

WINNER #2 for the bracelet is......

Rhiannon :) Please go HERE to fill out the form for your bracelet :)

WINNER #3 for the ornament is......

Car :) Please go HERE to fill out the form for your ornament :) (you can find the various examples that you can choose from my store's page)

**Remember I cannot get these to your by Christmas because I have too many orders and ya know ummmm Christmas is in a week LOL soooo you will have to look forward to this AFTER Christmas present**

ALSO!!!! For anyone that is interested I am doing a special price for angel plaques from now until the end of the year!!! Angel plaques are now $25.00 (a savings of $5!) these would make great belated Christmas gifts or just lovely SURPRISE gifts to a loved one you know who has lost a child!

Friday, December 17, 2010

25 Days of giveaways! Day 18 :)

YEAAA it's my turn to be a part of Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways! Check out her blog and keep an eye out because there is at least one giveaway every day till Christmas (sometimes there are two on one day!)

SO after much consideration I am going to giveaway a few things.

** given that these are custom items and the holidays are SO close I will not be able to get these out to
everyone by Christmas - SO it will have to be a LATE Christmas present for you :) **

This giveaway IS restricted to people that have lost a child. If you have not I thank you for reading my blog but my goal is to pass on a smile to someone trying to trudge through this tragedy... to bring a small amount of peace to each hard day with a piece of art to look at. Thank you for understanding! 

Winner #1 will get:

A hand painted frame - you may choose from the two sizes available square and rectangle (I don't have any oval ones currently) The winner may choose the colors and if they would like a name or quote on it :)

It does not have to be plaid but here is an example of one I have made before :)

the rectangle frame is like the blue one in this picture
this is an example of the square frame

Winner # 2 will get:

A personalized bracelet - I can fit a few words in there as long as they fit within the wrist size you give me :)
They will be multicolored letters as in all the examples below...

Winner #3 will get:

An ornament - there are MANY everyday ornament choices - such as bears, butterflies, dragonflies. If you prefer you can choose a Christmas ornament but I assumed that the everyday ornaments would be more fitting given you will get it after Christmas - totally up to you - here are some I have made:




Teddy bear



Christmas circle

I hope you like the giveaway :)


1) leave a comment - tell me something about yourself...
2) Extra entry if you are a follower of my store

I will announce the winner at 

10pm EST :)


I pretty consistently feel totally, completely, utterly misunderstood. Before I lost Riley & Peyton, far before the worst year I have had in my 29 years I felt this way. Many many many times. I have gone through a lot in life. A lot that people probably misunderstood in the first place. For instance people don't "get" depression. I went through that for a horrible 7 years or so. All of high school and a majority of my college years. I remember my cousin looking at me and asking me why I don't just "get over it" - I wanted to strangle her. I was like OH YEA why didn't I ever think of THAT! How dumb. People are like that with child loss too - that think we should get over it, move on, have more kids - like it's possible to get over and like having a child will make the loss any less horrible. People are stupid. Plain and simple.

I have a very sarcastic personality. I don't really spout out my sarcasm at people until they know me however even people that do know me don't like it (my sis for instance). Those that GET my sarcasm are usually ALSO sarcastic and they get it - they get it's a JOKE and we laugh and carry on. I swear to you that people (those that don't understand) look at me like I'm this huge jerk. I just stand there and think the person I am actually TALKING to is laughing so mind your business! I feel like because of my personality I have to constantly explain myself. It's ridiculous and annoying. I don't ask you to change your personality don't ask me to change mine. If you don't like me then move along...


I mentioned to a new friend in an email who recently lost her sweet angel that I feel like when I look in the mirror all I can see is my loss. All I see behind my eyes is pain. I feel like this year has added many years to my life. I feel much older than 29 most days. I think suffering this sort of pain added a reality to my world that I wish I never knew. A reality filled with far too much fear and sadness. Far too many unanswered questions and what if's that I never thought I would have to question ever in my life let alone at this stage in my life. I mentioned to her that I thought if I were to place two photos next to each other of a before and after baby loss it would be so obvious which happened when. I was right. I can tell very much which picture is which. Makeup doesn't cover it up, nothing can all makeup does is add color to chaos. I think I look much older, tired, sad, and that genuine smile and that happy gleam in my eye is gone. I think my eyes look sort of lifeless.

It's like I can look into my eyes and SEE my pain. SEE that part of me is gone. The "old me" is only present in the gleam of my eye. Like a far away memory. That "me" seems so long ago. So PAST. So forever gone and at the same time I can't believe it's been 10 months since my first loss - 10 months since Riley left us and 4 since Peyton left. Some days are good - most I feel like a shell of my former self. Like invasion of the body snatchers. To others I may look the same. Maybe even sound and act the same sometimes. But deep down I know that I am the not the "me" I once was. I part of myself during that first ultrasound. The first time I heard there was "no heartbeat" and somehow a large majority of me survived after that. I did society's thing - didn't grieve - didn't talk - moved on with life - until I heard "no heartbeat" the second time around. That day, all alone in that SAME d*mn ultrasound room I lost the rest of the old me. That naive hope was gone forever, never to return. At that moment as I balled my eyes out and gasped for air while some women I had met twice in my life starred at me in pity - at that moment I grieved both my babies.

The difference makes me cry. The before picture was taken on Christmas last year. I wonder what it will look like to put that picture next to this year's picture? I never would have thought I could age so much in such a short time..


Today I went to a young adults group get together (a group at our church). I don't go often - as I have said before on a post I believe  - I feel far too old for the age group. It's 18-30ish well there are far more on the younger spectrum and I feel out of place. Today was okay but again I felt out of pla I feel like I have to insert myself into conversations and given my husband wasn't there either it made it a little more uncomfortable. There was a girl there quite a few years younger than me (probably she was 25) with her baby and she has two other children who were not there. It was sort of a slap in the face, as are all pregnant women and babies on some days. I find myself far more uncomfortable when I am not expecting to see a baby. I just sat there fidgeting with my bracelet and necklace (both which are for Riley & Peyton. I literally had to fight back tears thinking this is what I have of them. This is how I carry them...weightless jewelry filled with so much meaning. It was almost too much to take. I survived. I am here to tell the story but still wounded from the experience.


I've been told that I am so strong and it so unbelievable that I was able to survive this horrible loss twice. I agree I am strong, we all are, all BLMs are so far beyond strong it's unexplainable our strength. We all never thought we would survive I am sure but we did we made it through and we will be making it through our whole lives. You don't get over this sort of pain, you deal with it, you become used to it, you live THROUGH it but you never get OVER it. This is not something any of have a choice in... we were thrown into this misery, forced to gain this strength. This is my life.


I have my MRI scheduled for the Tuesday after Christmas. My cousin's husband is the technician and apparently you get the results very quickly. As long as I know before my next period that is all that matters. IF it is tissue like I am hoping and praying then they can get on birth control and do the surgery next month. If it's not tissue then they won't do anything either way. I have never wanted anything more in my life (except kids of course) then to have this be TISSUE! I am hoping and praying for it with every fiber in my being. I will of course fill you in on the matter once I know more.


Thanks for reading. Check out my next post I am doing a giveaway :)


"It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it."- Eleanor Roosevelt

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life." -Virginia Woolf  

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Cheers & Jeers #5

Cheers to why wasn't I the one to think of this LOL
Have I tried them? No. But they seem to be a great idea! No need to be uncomfy when company stops by :)

Jeers to Kate Gosselin and her kids being on Sarah Palin's Alaska – oh brother now we are taking two annoying shows and putting them TOGETHER! Gosh what fun : /

Cheers to Conan's show where he plays up that his Production Assistant Christ Ultimo should be on the Jersey shore TV show- HILARIOUS

Jeers to all the people that decorate their house for Christmas by doing TONS of blow up decorations that I have affectionately (note sarcasm) named "BLOWUP THROW UP" because they make me want to throw up! I hate them - I find them boring and a waste of electric and yard space.  This picture is what I would like to do to every blow up throw up house LOL
(sorry if you are one of these sad houses LOL)

Cheers to The Christmas Can-Can by Straight No Chaser – I LOVE IT!
WATCH IT darn it – it's GREAT! (If you like it check out 12 Days of Christmas too!!)

Jeers to books that are turned into movies when the director makes the ending COMPLETELY different than the ending of the book - SO DUMB! For instance My Sister's Keeper. Also movies like Mystic River that had significantly important info missing!

On that note though minus a few changes from the book and age discrepancies with the main character I really like Charlie St. Cloud!

Cheers to Modern Family and the dad FREAKING out on the cologne guy :) Here's the Hulu address: go forward to 11:32 - you may have to watch too RELALY short adds but it's worth it! :)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Doctor's visit...

I went to my specialist doctor today to get an ultrasound. They explained to me that even though I was told not to TTC this cycle that they wanted to see if the medicine was working the way it should be. I am taking Femara and from what I could gather it is working. I think the doctor will tell me more. They saw at least one follicle that they showed me. I am not sure if they saw more or not. Sadly those follicles have no chance, or I should say a really small chance given we are trying not to get pregnant as I was told. Of course there is always that tiny chance that protection won't work. But you get the idea. I can't be excited about follicles that won't amount to anything. The only positive thing I can gain from this is that it seems the medicine is working.

I'm still not sure if I should be worried that the dye test only showed that my right tube is open. The left did not spill the dye as it should of but apparently that could be because of my extremely negatively V shaped uterus. I still don't know... like they said I obviously can get pregnant but nonetheless it's an added worry.

My doctor was not in today so they said he would look at my charts and call me tomorrow and discuss the HSG, ultrasound, and the MRI - which is great because I need some stinking answers - and SOON! I am praying that the MRI can be done this month!


On to my weekend. My landlord (also my friend) got married. Their wedding was small but very nice. OF COURSE my baby woes came up in conversation. As I'm sure any BLM knows it's rather hard to NOT talk about that. It has begin to define a large part of my life so not discussing my babies is like not discussing a piece of myself. I mentioned my surgery findings to some people and the fact that the bicornuate uterus could possibly mean more losses. One person said OH you can't do that.... and I was like standing there going what do you mean. First of all I have faith in God I believe that even if that V is caused by muscle it does not mean no children for me. If I have to survive more losses I will. If God does not want me to get pregnant I wouldn't in the first place. So don't tell me I can't do something! I very well plan to get pregnant again no matter what the MRI shows! I am not giving up on having children.

Someone else mentioned well you should adopt.... as if countries and people are handing out babies on the side of the road. Like it's an easy thing. I am not AGAINST adoption but I want biological children and I am not ready to give up on that any time soon. Plus adoption is expensive and we darn well can't afford that. So it wouldn't be an option currently no matter what. I have also been told that people are worried about us TTC given I have no job and our financial situation is not great. Well you know what? After all this loss I can't very well morally take a break because money may be an issue. How could I do that? What if I take a break now and when we DO try it takes 3 years before I have a baby? I don't want to deal with the what if's of waiting because we have NO idea how long it will take before we can have children. I am not taking a BREAK because of my job situation. AGAIN I have a strong faith in God and He will provide when the time comes.

Life is hard. People think that they can spout off all this information and judgment and advice over things they simply don't get! Don't try to tell me what to do until you can understand the emotional and physical stress of this journey. If you had lost two children you would know taking a "break" is not an option. We will do what we have to to provide for our babies because we are parents and we love them.

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD." - Psalms 31:24

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him." - Jeremiah 17:7

Mommy and Daddy love you Riley & Peyton! You mean the world to us!
Copyright ©2011 Small Bird Studios| All Rights Reserved |Free Blog Templates at Small Bird Studios