Sunday, December 26, 2010

Words where their warmth should be....

Writing on this blog has become less of an every day thing in the past month or two and more of a place to share my opinions (Cheers & Jeers), my anger, my sadness, my pain, and even my joy. I come to this blog because I can take this blogger box and fill it with my every hope, wish, and dream. I can be honest, forthright, and fearless. This place is for me, for me and my babies. As I write this I am welling up with tears because it makes me so angry, so deeply sad that this is all I have of them. These words are my memories, my moments in time, my words that must replace what should have been their warmth in my arms.

This tear filled post could have been a fitful cry in the middle of the night, a diaper change, a feeding, my baby just wanting to be held. I managed the holidays so far with smiles and laughter. Created ornaments and stocking for my children that I will hang in the years to come on every Christmas tree we have for the rest of my God given life. I created the only memories I could and I helped to create memories for other BLMs by making ornaments and participating in an ornament exchange, a card exchange, and a gift exchange.


Today at church (you can read about it in more detail on the previous post) our youth pastor spoke and at the end of the sermon we found out that one of his wife's students (she teaches physical education) had lost her 2 year battle with cancer on Christmas Eve (she would have been 16 in May). 2 weeks before she made it clear that she believed in God, had been saved, and so they knew when she passed that we would one day see her in Heaven. I didn't know this girl but I knew the love my friends had for her and even though they were thrilled they would meet her in Heaven again one day they were filled with sadness too. I didn't know her but I cried, I cried for my friends loss, and even more for her dear parents. They entered this grief journey, this sad club, this monumental group of people that we wish would stop growing. I know I can do nothing to take away their pain but I am making them an angel plaque for their sweet girl and I hope that brings them a small amount of peace through their tears.

(If you have not read the book FIREFLY LANE and wish to one day DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH THAT IS IN RED! It will give away the ending. You have been warned! After the red feel free to continue reading!)

I also just finished Firefly Lane which midway through shocked me with a miscarriage and then at the end the death of one of the characters. She died of cancer. Her first child she miscarried at 4 months, then went on to have a baby girl, and then quite a few years later twin boys. Her best friend urged her to write "her story" so that her children could know all about their mother even after she was gone. She did. All I could think through this was this is my story and my babies can't ever read it. The story would have made me cry anyways but this made me sob. When the book was done I had to leave the room so I wouldn't wake up my poor husband (who actually has to wake up to go to work in 3 hours). However, God can tell them all about me and I know I will meet them one day... but it still just plain sucks. No two ways around that...

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I have my MRI on Tuesday. I am terrified. I am hopeful - but I can't bear the idea that my hope could be crushed - I know I will survive it if it is - but I am terrified of the prospect of that looming anvil that could crush crush crush. My cousin's husband is doing the MRI so I am glad that it is someone I can trust. I am not thrilled with enclosed spaces but was told to wear my sleeping mask so that the space won't freak me out and I can bring music to listen to for the hour I am in the contraption. (I have worn a sleeping mask to bed since 7th grade EVERY night - that's over 18 years! Crazy but true! And not the SAME one for 18 years...that would be gross!) But the process is the least of the worries. Obviously I am terrified that I will be told that the problem with my uterus - the reason it is shaped like a capital V is that it is bicornuate and that it is extra muscle essentially splitting my uterus practically in two. This would be the bad news - the crusher. The HOPEFUL news would be that it is TISSUE and can therefore be easily removed through surgery and once healed could POSSIBLY solve my miscarriage issues. I'm praying for tissue but terrified of the bicornuate anvil that is the muscle diagnosis. I will fill you in when I know more. Until then.... think and pray TISSUE!

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My tears have dried, and my mind has stilled.... yet again this blog has helped me. I thank God for this space and all of you wonderful readers everyday. The blogging BLM community has meant so much to me. I know you always will. Even if I lose touch with some of you over time, your names and your babies names are engraved on my heart....please know this. Also I added a CONTACT area in the upper left hand column of my blog. Feel free to write me and email if you ever wish to ask questions or would like to talk to me about anything, even as simple as what I think of a movie (I also have a movie review blog LOL)...I leave you with this touching clip from the Rabbit Hole (it won't ruin the movie don't worry!)

I reviewed Rabbit Hole HERE.


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‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”-Revelation 21:4

8 comments:

  1. Jess, I have been and will continue to pray for you! I hope the MRI results are the ones that you are praying for. (((HUGS)))

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  2. What a beautiful post!! I pray that your MRI goes smoothly. I will be waiting for the updates!! Much love to you!

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  3. Jess,
    I am praying so hard that it is tissue and can just be removed. I truly do have a good feeling that it is and you will be able to have a healthy rainbow in your arms soon. No matter what the results are, I will keep praying for that healthy rainbow for you. The Lord is amazing and can do anything. I know that he can give you a precious baby no matter what that MRI finds. I want you to know that you and your precious babies have helped me through the loss of Micah. I can't thank you enough for that. You have been so kind and you have remembered my precious baby with me. For that I will forever be grateful! You and your babies' names are etched on my heart too. Riley and Peyton are probably Micah's best friends and because of that they have brought us together. How can I not love those sweet babies for that?! I don't know how I would have gotten through the first four and a half months of this journey without you and your babies. Thank you for all that you have done for me and Micah! You are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Today I pray for tissue for you. God bless you:)
    Love,
    Mary

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  4. ((hugz)) PRAYING FOR TISSUE!

    Jamie

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  5. Im praying for you!!! I await great news of tomorrow:) I truly want that for you. I am sorry you have to go through this. I am sorry you are a mother without your children. I am sorry you have to walk this road. I will be praying for peace during the MRI and while waiting for the results. Hopefully you will get them right away like you thought!

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  6. Jess, I'm praying right now! I will keep praying for God to give you favorable results & to prepare your heart for His will. That you will feel His peace. Love you girl <3

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  7. I hope your mri goes well. I know that feeling, when you realize the blog is getting the attention and love the child should have had.

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