2 months!

My boy turned 2 months old last Friday :) He's so flippin' handsome! He got some vaccines on Monday :( UGH! Mommy did NOT handle that well...Logan did much better lol though he is NOT a baby that sleeps more after vaccines - yikes! Seriously when a baby is born you should lose all need for sleep!! Wouldn't that be great!?! Soooooo not the case however :( Eh life is still great! My mom and dad leave for camping for a week om Saturday and I am dreading the boredom that is bound to come while they are gone. With Nate working at night and (sadly) really no friends to hang out with life can be lonely around here. In this small town area there is not much to do either.... i digress... i love to hang with my boy but i think you all understand what i mean...i hope! A lot of changes are on the forefront... more to come about that in the near future :) All good things (and no - oh my goodness - i am not pregnant again!) ENJOY THE PICTURES!

SO BIG!

MOMMY & LOGAN!

DADDY & LOGAN!

Still waiting....

So first of all may I say I hate the new Blogger set up! I am the type of person that likes things to stay the way they are once I am used to them. I don't like Facebook's stupid Timeline and I don't like Bloggers "new look" (although I DO like that I can easily see how many times my posts have been read - good to know some people are still out there reading!).... I digress.

On Friday we found out that yet again there is NO progress. I am not dilated at all and Logan has not dropped - UGH! 40 weeks today and nothing to show towards any progress. It's very frustrating. Thankfully they will not let me go past 41 weeks. That is what I am the most afraid of so I am happy that I won't go past 41 weeks.

We ALSO found out that technically my due date is the 25th not today (the 23rd) - I still consider today my due date because it's ridiculous that no one told me until Thursday that it was different. So whatever. Anyways.... I have and ultrasound to check what they estimate Logan's weight at and then after that an NST to see how he is doing (this part makes me nervous because I hope he does ok). I am glad that they are taking the initiative to see how the pregnancy is going at least. Both my doctors at some point have made comments to the fact that my pelvic bone region is VERY narrow so I am thinking even if I do happen to go into natural labor on my own he probably won't fit.... So hopefully on Thursday if there is still no progress they will just schedule and ultrasound. I am PRAYING it will be for Friday because my husband already has Friday and Saturday off but it may have to wait until Monday :( which would be more of a pain in the butt. But we'll have to figure it out somehow....

Anyways.... just thought I would update.


I plan to wear a necklace I bought awhile back to the hospital... this is what it says:  " Lil' babies, 


we will never forget you... Let a part of my angel babies' souls be reflected in the spirit of my 


future child so that I may know them better. May the Lord hole my lil' babies tightly in His strong, 


loving arms until I can. May the angels sing them sweet lullabies, but only until I get there."








Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,


We love you sweet babies.... and we always, always will <3

Happy New year!!

I deeply apologize to anyone who may have thought something was wrong given I have been rather lazy with my blog posting. Let's chalk that up to baby brain and being very busy with crafts and general laziness in the recliner while watching endless episodes of House (which I LOVE now btw)!!

The holiday season was quite nice. I enjoyed all my new ornaments I received through the exchanges I participated in - if any of you read this blog thank you so much for making them for Riley, Peyton, and Cameron! When we have a bigger place I hope to have a small tree just for my angel at Christmas :) The day after Christmas we got together with my mom's side of the family and Papa gave us gifts that my Nana had already picked out for us before she passed away... it made me break down in tears to see her name on the tag... it was just all too much for my hormonal body to handle. But even through the tears it was lovely to see everyone.

Nate felt Logan kick for the first time on Christmas (I felt it a few days before when he kicked my arm while I was typing lol)! He also now likes to put his ear to my belly and listen to Logan move around :) I told him he has one up on me because I can't even do that ;) Logan has started moving around a lot more the past week - I LOVE IT! My new favorite thing is watching my belly move around when he is extra active.

I got a Lullabelly with money I got for Christmas - I like it quite a bit :) It's cool to listen to music and know that Logan can hear the same thing and feel him move around - it's quite fun!

This is one of my more recent belly photos :) I've become quite round as of late ;) But I must say I love my pregnant belly. I'm doing great with weight gain - only about 13-15 lbs. so far :) I'll be 25 weeks tomorrow!!

My next appointment is January 19th and then I have to take the dreaded glucose test. I have taken the 3 hour test years ago when they thought I might have diabetes... I didn't but I HATED getting it done so I REALLY don't want to fail the test. Luckily I have learned that eating carbs the night before/day of the test can make you fail the test even if you don't have GD so I don't plan to eat any crabs!! I am more prone to it because I am overweight but luckily don't have a family history of diabetes so that is at least good :)

Either way... hope everyone is doing great and again sorry if I worried you with my lack of posting!!

HALFWAY THERE !!! (and upcoming giveaway)

Thrilled to say that today I am 20 weeks pregnant!!! :) 


This is twice as long as I have ever been pregnant and our little boy is doing GREAT! We had our official anatomy scan/ check for birth defects on Friday and everything is great :) He is measuring ahead by about 5 to 6 days and weighs more than average too (which I expect as both me and my hubby were big babies).

I had no idea I was nervous beforehand but my blood pressure showed I was because when they rechecked it after the scan it went way down. Guess I worry even when I think I don't! Little Logan has become quite the little fluttering breakdancer lately :) I LOVE feeling him move! Can't wait till I can feel kicks and my husband can feel him move when he touches my belly!

 I have also received some really cute clothes lately :) Here are a few pictures :)

I have other shoes and stuff too - can I just say baby shoes are the CUTEST!

This is a cute picture of my cat Gabby! She still tries to lay with me but to her dismay when I lay on the couch there is no longer room next to my belly LOL so the other day she was practically laying in front of my face the little stinker!! Can't wait till she can be near my belly when Logan kicks - that'll flip her out LOL! The other day I was watching Parenthood and a baby cried on the show and Gabby was laying with me and her shot up and her ears went crazy LOL it was TOO funny - she reacts the same when she hears a dog lol! I said oh Gabby you are in for a wide awakening ;)

Keep your eyes peeled cause I am having a giveaway on Thursday!! You will find it on here of course and it will be mentioned HERE too :) 

It's a .........??? (and giveaway winners)

Soooooo we are having a .................... BOY!! :)

Logan Charles Malloy

Needless to say I am thrilled but I think my husband is very proud of himself for helping to create a boy to carry on his family name :) Hehehe! 

We had a lovely time out afterwards and went to eat at Joe's Crab Shack :) Then we went to look at baby stuff :) We went to Babies R Us, Target, and Carter's - halfway through our shopping I was getting really sore. Geesh. Round ligament pain SUCKS! I feel like I was punched down there and that I rode a horse for a long time yesterday --- neither of which happened LOL. Ehhh it's all worth it for little Logan :)

Here's the clothes we bought :)

Aren't the outfits just so darn cute!!??!!

And on to the giveaway winners :) :) :) 

I decided to choose two winners randomly :)

First winner is Sarita Boyette - $20 gift certificate to my Etsy Shop

Second winner - Emily Hughes - $10 gift certificate to my Etsy Shop

Congratulations to you both :)

Doc appt. update!!

Well, this is a quick update because mama bear is tired ;) LOL

Saw the doctor today and all is well. Nice STRONG heart beat of 153!! The doc said that they will have to keep an extra close eye on me throughout the pregnancy for cervical length and bleeding etc. since I lost baby b. So I will be getting many more ultrasounds then I would with a normal pregnancy. She did say though that there is no reason to worry at this point because there is a nice (I'll caps it again) STRONG heart beat!!!! :) :)

ALSO extra fun news! The doc said at my appt. on Monday the 21st (the Monday before Thanksgiving) I can have a quick non-official sonogram to show if we are having a boy or a girl!!! :) YEAAAA!!!!

SUPER EXCITED! 25 days till we know team blue or pink!!! <3 <3 <3

Also we have named our sweet baby b.... Cameron :)

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron,
We love you sweet babies! We miss you more than we could ever explain. Watch over us and your sweet sister/brother and keep us safe through the rest of this pregnancy. I'm sure you all love to play but I know that you want your brother/sister to be with us if they can be! We love you sooo very much! Hug Nana for me! <3

Update & ABC's of me

For a quick update here. We are still in shock over the loss of baby b and trying to come up with a name. Everything seems to be going good with baby a. I got a fetal doppler the other day and found his/her heartbeat (I THINK anyways it's kinda hard to get used to using it so I am working on it though I am sure it will get easier as the baby gets bigger). I wish I felt comfortable taking it to the doctor and asking him to show me how to use it but I think he would not approve of me having one because he thinks "not worrying" solves everything - which we all know is NOT true. My next appointment is on Thursday and I am hoping that I will get my 18 week anatomy scan set up before Thanksgiving! I'll update more after that appointment until then enjoy this useless information about me ;) ..............

A. Age:30

B. Bed size: Queen but I dream of owning a king size bed one day!

C. Chore you hate: What chore DON'T I hate? I guess the worst is dishes!

D. Dogs:My husband is dying to get one I told him when all our future children were at least 5 years old. Dogs are a lot of work - currently we have a cat that I have had for 7 1/2 years :)

E. Essential start to your day: Bagel with cream cheese and OJ

F. Favorite color: RED

G. Gold or silver. Silver - white gold is also okay I can't stand yellow gold at ALL!

H. Height: 5'7 1/2 inches

I. Instruments you play: I played clarinet in band in middle school, piano briefly before that, both didn't work out since I can't read music - I prefer to use my vocal chords as my instrument ;)

J. Job title: Baby incubator!

K. Kids: Three angels - Riley (2/11/10) Peyton (8/19/10) Baby B (10/14/11)

L. Live: New York State... the most expensive taxes in the universe ;) Up near Niagara Falls

M. Mother's name: Pamala (yes with ALL a's)

N. Nicknames:Well in high school I had many but now... Jess is an obvious one, My dad calls me "Boo" (because we used to play hide and seek but I called hide and seek "boo" LOL), My husband calls me Sassy Pants, Jessy Bean, & Baked Bean (more recently... I joke because I am "baking" a baby lol)... I think that's it

O. Overnight hospital stays: hmm none that I can remember.

P. Pet peeves: OK here it goes... Asking for advice that you then not only don't listen to but literally do the opposite and then later say I wish I would have listened to you! UGH! People not using their blinkers (it is FREE is comes with the car USE IT and stop trying to kill me). People singing a song over and over and getting it stuck in my head. Bad waitresses (I was one and there is no excuse for ignoring customers)! Movies with an open ending (UGH - I don't want to guess what happened I want you to TELL me). People that use their cell phone in the bathroom! There's probably many more LOL!

Q. Quote from a movie: "I would rather have three minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." - Steal Magnolias

R. Right or left handed: Right handed. (odd fact though - every guy I have ever dated has been left handed - and my husband shares the same birthday as two of my ex-boyfriends - different year but same day - strange right?

S. Siblings: One younger sister - she's 26

T. Time you wake up: Lately like 10am or so. I let this pregnant body get as much sleep as possible! Soon I doubt I will sleep this well so I plan to enjoy it!

U. Underwear: Uncomfortable lately that's for sure... they don't fit good at all UGH! lol

V. Vegetable you hate: hmm I don't much like pees, I HATE onions, lima beans, squash, cucumbers, probably lots more - I like weird vegetables...

W. What makes you run late: Life in general lol

X. X-rays you have had: hmmm I have had an x-ray of my thyroid, of my upper respiratory tract, my foot, (if an MRI counts I've had one of my whole body LOL), my teeth, that's all I can think of ;) not that it's not enough LOL

Y. Yummy food that you make: I LOVE the crockpot nachos I make (fair warning split this recipe in half if only feeding 2 or 3), Potato Skins, These cheesy biscuits (that taste like the red lobster biscuits!), and baked chicken strips. May I just say that Pinterest is a GREAT place to find recipes! It's where I found ALL of those!!

Z. Zoo animals: I love to see the snakes, lions and tigers (I lump them together for some reason), giraffes are beautiful, and elephants rock! OH and when we went to Virginia I saw a kangaroo for the first time! I would LOVE to see a cheetah someday!

 

Well there is most likely FAR more information about me then you ever cared to read LOL! 

 

 

Ultrasound: Good and bad news

We had our ultrasound yesterday morning around 8:45am EST. As soon as the tech started the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. I could not see two babies. I was right. Baby B is no longer with us (he/she probably passed away 2-3 weeks ago) and we are devastated. My heart practically stopped for a minute until she showed us the heartbeat of Baby A. Then, through my tears, I started to breathe again. How do you handle such a thing? How does someone get through something so tragic that is followed by something so joyful with seconds? I still don't know. I handle it because I have to not because I want to. I would never choose to go through this nor would I wish it upon my worst enemy. I now have three angels. My mom says my Nana is loving it up in Heaven right now caring for all my little ones. I'm sure she's right.

My dream of having two babies in my arms in April have been crushed. I still do have strong faith and hope for our other little healthy tater tot. He/she is measuring ahead 12 weeks 6 days/ 13 weeks and I was 12 weeks 4 days at the ultrasound. So that is GREAT news.

We saw our little one moving around. We saw tater tot's hands, feet, and brain. For the first time ever we heard one of our babies' heartbeats. What a beautiful sound. They said that this happens very often and that there is no need to worry about Baby A and my body will just absorb Baby B and the loss will never negatively effect the other child. This was reassuring to know. There were many tears from both me and my husband during that ultrasound. Much grief intertwined with much joy. My mother came in halfway through the ultrasound (after we knew of the loss - though of course I told her about it) and we all got a good laugh when our little one made the strong arm position like he/she was flexing their muscles ;) That was great (see pics below).

We will be able to find the sex out on Dec. 2nd at the specialist (the ultrasound is technically to check for birth defects). But if my regular doc can get me in sooner (I was hoping to know by Thanksgiving) then I will gladly take him up on that! The specialist informed us that we went from a very high risk pregnancy to what should be a rather boring one. Through all her kind words all I could think was I was ready for the high risk. But apparently two babies were not meant to be. I thank God for the one still growing inside me.

Terrifying to think of future pregnancies (I know I'm getting a bit ahead of myself). My husband said, "Well technically isn't this your first "normal" miscarriage (as my other ones were attributed to my septum)?". I said, "Yes I just hope that it's the last one, I don't want to go through loss every time I am pregnant." I hope it is my last loss. All I can do is hope and pray though. Only God knows what will happen.

On another note:
Today I had a friend tell me that I should "be ready for anything" and "hope that 'anything' doesn't happen"... Are things like this supposed to make me feel better? THEY DON'T! Honestly they piss me off. The friend continued to say "Don't dwell on it". REALLY!?! I'm sorry is my grieving my child really upsetting YOUR life so much? It happened less than 48 hours ago and I'm DWELLING on it? I don't dwell. I grieve in a perfectly freaking healthy manner. Anyone who doesn't think so can take a flying leap OUT of my life. People should not presume to KNOW what I am going through when they have never lost a child. I don't need your judgment I have enough problems....

I guess Gabby (my cat) was still laying with me because. well... there was still a baby. Just not two any longer... she laid with me again today. Such a sweet cat (at least when I'm pregnant LOL).

We had plans yesterday to celebrate. After the visit we discussed whether those plans should continue or if we should just go home. We decided that none of our angels would want us not to celebrate their brother/sister.... so we still carried on with our plans. We went to the movies and out to eat. Tears were mixed throughout the day but it was a nice time considering the circumstances.

Our little one was moving around...

I'm pretty sure that's the heart you can see :)

Tater tot's face :) (slightly halloween-esque lol)

Baby brain and sweet arm and profile!!

Brains again! ;)

On the move again...

STRONG ARM!  Flexing and telling us he/she is okay!

Riley, Peyton, Baby B, 
I love you all and miss each of you terribly. Please be there for each other since I can't be there with you. Spend lots of time with your Nana because I know how much she wanted more grandchildren and she will be thrilled to have the three of you with her. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so very much <3

What it's like to be me....

First off I want to start this by saying I am 12 weeks and 2 days along with my twins today and as far as I know all is going well. I have finished all 4 seasons of Felicity and need a new series to watch (suggestions appreciated)! On Friday I go to my specialist for a consult and an ultrasound where I can finally gain some actual peace of mind that all is well officially. Please realize this post is NOT me being depressed it is imply explaining what is like to be a BLM (or at least what it is like for ME as a BLM).

Don't judge me for discussing my grief. If you have never gone through the loss of a child you have no right to tell me that blogging about it is unhealthy. This helps me people judging me does not. If you DON'T plan to judge then feel free to read on, if you are judgmental then please stop reading this and my blog in general.....

For those stumbling upon this blog who may not know my story here is a shortened version....
My first pregnancy was care free until it ended abruptly at 7 weeks (2/11/10) after telling everyone we knew but before we ever saw a doctor. The first sonogram I ever got showed my dead baby. Riley was gone. That was the day my life changed. Forever. Six months later 10 weeks into my second pregnancy (8/19/11) I lost my Peyton. This was after a couple positive ultrasounds and a mere 3 days after seeing the heartbeat for the 3rd time. Almost a year after losing Riley I had surgery to remove a septum in my uterus that was the most likely cause for both my losses as my case was very severe. This is a condition 1 in 1,000-2,000 women are born with but most often do not find out until they have had miscarriages.

Being a BLM is not easy and becoming pregnant doesn't make it easier. I am, of course, THRILLED to be pregnant with twins but it is a scary, scary thing for me. The naivety most women have during pregnancy is now long gone. My first rainbow baby (a baby born after the loss of a child) did not survive and I worry about my twin rainbows.

For this entire pregnancy when I go to the bathroom (sorry for the TMI) I check for spotting. I worry every time that I will be spotting.

I worry about eating - I make sure I don't eat anything that is possibly unsafe for my babies. Many woman probably don't even worry about this but there are MANY things you are told to be careful of... to name just a few: creamy dressings (caesar, ranch, honey mustard,etc.) from restaurants, deli meat, unpasturized soft cheeses such as feta and bleu cheese, unpasturized apple cider, fish/seafood that is high in mercury... and like I said that is just a few items.

I worry that my babies are okay. It has been 5 weeks since my last ultrasound and while my prenatal visit went well it also went well with Peyton but Peyton was gone. That terrifies me. My doctor doesn't use a fetal doppler in the office because it is two hard to tell if you are hearing both heartbeats so without an ultrasound I don't have any definite proof that all is well.

I have normal worries too. I worry about finances and having everything we will need to take care of our babies. I worry about questions people will ask me when it is obvious I am pregnant (and not just plump).

You never realize how daunting some simple questions can break a BLMs heart. I NEVER would have thought that "Do you have any other children?" or "Is this your first?" could be so painful. Now I know different.

Until Friday I have my cat to make me feel all is well. She lays with me and for the past 3 years she ONLY has laid with me when I was pregnant. So she reassures me, which I greatly appreciate :)

So for those who read through this... thank you... and for those that are not BLMs remember to not judge those who have been through situations that you do not understand. And remember when you are encountered by someone who may not be all that friendly that you never know what that person is going through. Kindness, empathy, and a SIMPLE "I'm sorry" can go a long way in all situations.

This song is "Again" by Flyleaf - I saw them in concert for the 3rd time a couple days after losing Riley... this song and the lyrics below it - brought me to tears...



They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again



Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. I miss you so much right now. Hug Nana for me.

Operation "Boring as hell"

So folks I am now 11 weeks 1 day along :)

In case you don't remember my doctor said "bed rest, bed rest, bed rest." To be more specific he said that my life should be "boring as hell". I admit I am not treating it as strict bed rest. I sit up at the computer. I went out to a movie and dinner with my husband. But for the most part I admit my life is certainly on line with doctor's orders: "boring as hell".

Now I must say I am VERY used to this boring life. I have been unemployed since last May so needless to say I am VERY used to sitting around and not doing much. I have decided that in my complete maternity boredom I will start watching seasons of shows. I tried Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares but I mean that is not the type of show I can handle watching episodes and episodes in a row of.... it's a whole lot of British people saying the F word far to many times LOL at least it was the first episode I watched (and most people who use the F word continuously ALWAYS do). So I was checking out Netflix and I saw FELICITY! I used to LOVE that show! So I watched the pilot and couldn't remember a lot of it (I mean it has been over 9 years since that show ended).... so I decided hey if I have to sit around all the time why not relive my high school/college love of Felicity!! :) So I watched 10 episodes yesterday - YIKES I know! 75 more to go LOL ;) but I got nothing but time!

So I am still quite annoyed that I didn't get that ultrasound but I'm starting to get over it. I don't really have much of a choice. Currently the only thing I have that makes me feel like my tater tots are okay is Gabby laying near my belly. Weird but true.  My first trimester screening is Oct. 14th with my perinatologist I have a maternal/fetal consult and an ultrasound. So that is what I have to look forward to, that is my next milestone appoinment to make it to. For now I have Operation "boring as hell" and for the next however many days: Felicity ;)

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you. I miss you and I feel like you're with me when Gabby cuddles my belly. Is that your way of showing me you're watching over us? If so... thank you.

No ultrasound :(

Well my doctor didn't order an ultrasound. I'm not happy but what can I do ya know? I really do like my doctor and he has delivered MANY twins so that makes me feel good I just wish he could have done even an unofficial ultrasound. UGH!

I am 10w4d today - I found out we lost Peyton at 10w3d - which was when my appt. was yesterday! SO I mean come on? How can he tell me not to be worried? DUH! Of course I am worried. I am in NO way stressed to the point where I could be causing issue to my babies but STILL I'm worried. What do they expect!

GEESH! Well anyways I AM going to the specialist (who deals with multiples) in 2 weeks unless my doc gets me a sooner appt.... but I'm not holding my breath!

Until then he said my life should be "boring as hell" so I guess I won't be working. Fine by me I just hope financially we will be okay.

I'll feel MUCH better once I get my next ultrasound! I mean it'll be nice when I get to the point where I feel movement but until then I'll be a bit on the edge of my seat. Who can blame me?

Anyways....keep me in your prayers!


Riley & Peyton mommy loves you - please bring me peace and watch over your siblings. Please know that mommy and daddy both love you so very much!

Missing my Riley....

I'm sure I have mentioned this before...probably over a year ago. But my friend had her baby on Riley's due date. I just saw her post on Facebook today about his one year birthday party.

It broke my heart....

I can't believe that Riley would have been a year old. I can't even begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart to see my friend's baby. He is a constant reminder of what could have been. And THAT is not easy to say the least!

I am obviously BEYOND thrilled that my rainbows are on the way but that doesn't take away the sadness in my heart for the angels I have lost. Pieces of my heart will always be missing and while having twins is AMAZING two births won't make up for the children I lost.

Today is a hard day but luckily also a busy one.

My appt. with the nurse at my OB office was yesterday. It was just a bunch of boring questions but she did tell me that the doctor will most likely order an ultrasound on Thursday when I go in for my first visit with him. Trust me I will be BEGGING him for that! It has been 3 weeks AND this is the longest I ever made it before with a pregnancy so I am extra anxious.

I'll make sure to let you all know how Thursday's appt. goes.
Here is the pic I promised of my cute, cuddly cat who loves to be near the babies!! <3

Excuse my unattractiveness - being pregnant and tired isn't pretty (on me anyways LOL)

Don't you love how her butt is practically falling off the the couch just to she can lay near the babies LOL - so super cute!! <3


Riley & Peyton I miss you every day. As your father said last year. You are more real than the air we breathe. We love you <3

9 weeks

Soooo if you missed my last post check it out before reading this one ;)

Today I am 9 weeks with my rainbows. I called to ask if I needed to be referred to a specialist to go and they informed that I need a script from my doctor. So I called my OBGYN's office and luckily spoke to a lovely women. I informed her that I am pregnant with twins and I really want to be referred to a specialist because I have had two D&Cs and I want to make sure I have plenty of people keeping track of everything such as incompetent cervix, etc. She informed me that Dr. C will certainly keep close attention to my pregnancy and that I will "be sick of them" because I will see them so much. I laughed and told her I would LOVE to be sick of them! 

She was also awesome and set up my doctor's appt. when previously all I had set up was a nurse's visit. Which is just boring blah blah and what not - nothing fun happens at those visits! So now I see the nurse in a week (9/26) and the doctor on 9/29 for a regular checkup and I am seriously hoping an ultrasound given it will have been like a month since I had one and I am super anxious! I am going to TRY to call tomorrow and see if there is any way that both appts. can be on the same day though I am not that hopeful they will do that. 

We shall see! 

Either way all is well. I haven't really had morning sickness at all. I have days when I am so incredibly tired I feel ill but that's about it. As long as I drink plenty of water and eat enough I generally feel okay other than the complete and total lack of energy. I have a tendency to sleep 8-10 hours a night (waking up about 5 times to pee UGH). When I get up I take my thyroid meds and have to eat within 30-60 mins. then after being up for about 5 hours I feel exhausted LOL and that's without doing anything! Today I went grocery shopping so I was exhausted in about 3 hours ;) here's hoping the second trimester I gain some energy!

SOoooo all is well everyone and I hope to update with a new ultrasound late next week! :) Finger crossed and prayers sent up daily. I figure my total lack of energy and general slothiness means all is well hehe!

Also super cute thing - my cat has become VERY lovey dovey lately LOL she wants to lay with me ALL the time - before she could care less. The last time she laid with me was when I was pregnant with Peyton. My Gabby cat is a baby lover! <3 SUPER cute I'll have to post a pic soon <3

Also.... note to self - stop watching sad movies back to back my nose is stuffed up enough from being pregnant but bawling my eyes out certainly makes it worse! I watched Up Close & Personal and Marvin's Room last night - both had me bawling by the end - geesh! I mean I ALWAYS cry at movies like that but when I'm pregnant I have a hard time STOPPING crying! I still remember when I watched Lovely Bones! I cried for 30 minutes after the movie was OVER! At the time I didn't know I was pregnant with Riley LOL! That made it make a BIT more sense ;)

So yea, exhausted, over emotional, hungry all the time, somewhat crampy (with my uterus working overtime LOL), and needing to pee all the time.... that pretty much sums it all up! ;)

Many thanks for all the LOVELY comments on my last post! You are all so wonderful and supportive and I can't thank you enough! <3 

Riley & Peyton I love you so very much and daddy and I talk about you all the time :) We miss you!

 

Big news and a lovely surprise! (triggers)

So I was totally bummed when I didn't get pregnant in July but given the fact that I fell and hurt myself and the stress of my Nana's sudden death and all I figured God knew that wasn't the time. After thinking of all the stress my body was in that month I was happy that I didn't end up being pregnant. In hindsight it was a blessing really.

So on to August. I knew I ovulated at the beginning of the month so the first day that I may have missed my period I was like ehhh I'll test (I'm VERY impatient) LOL AND I blogged about the dream I had HERE.

Given the dream and all I just thought August might be our month. So that first test wasn't positive but when I looked at it hours later there was a slight line (same thing happened when I was pg with Riley). SO the next day i took another one and the line was a bit darker (see below)!

For those that are Facebook friends with me - SHHHHHH!!!!

So YEAA! I was thrilled! I already had a blood test (in case this happened) and I called my doctor's office to have them fax one to the hospital so I could get another test done two days later. I waited for the results and the next day they told me my levels were good (493) and two days later on Peyton's due date I found out that the levels doubled!!

So they scheduled an early ultrasound for 9/22 - so we could make sure the gestational sacs were within my uterus and all looked well. And it did - all looked well (check out the pick below).

TWINS!!!

So we prepared ourselves and got crazy excited (a little overwhelmed for a day or two LOL) and we went on our planned road trip to see Nate's family. I DO NOT suggest road trips of thousands of miles within 4 days when pregnant and in need of the bathroom ALL the time! UGH! Not fun! BUT.... the trip itself was fun (outside the car) and we were psyched to be able to share the news in person :)

This past Friday we got to go back and see the heartbeats!!

In this photo you can see baby b's yolk sac really well :) Though baby a's gestational sac takes over most of the picture ;)

 

Here you can see again baby b likes to hide a bit - as he/she did with the first ultrasound for a while LOL
Baby a's sac is larger but both were doing great! Baby a measured right on track and had a heartbeat of 150 and baby b was behind a few days (which they say is nothing to worry about with twins) and had a heartbeat of 129.

They are fraternal (two separate sacs) and they each have an angel sibling watching over them! Or they each have both watching over them (however you want to look at it!)! :)

We are beyond thrilled to be expecting twins! I couldn't be more excited! I have decided to tell friends and family because I don't believe in jinxing and I truly feel very hopeful and calm about this pregnancy. God has brought peace to my heart and mind and I believe that while this pregnancy may not be easy, all will go well!

Remember: For those that are friends with me on Facebook: SHHHH! I am telling people but not all my acquaintances on FB yet! ;)

YEA for my tater tots (our affectionate name for them until we know the sexes LOL)

I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him" - 1 Samuel 1:27

I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart. - Jeremiah 1:5

Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so much. Love each other and hug Nana for me! Watch out for your baby brother/sister(s) on Earth and keep bringing mommy peace. :) We will never, ever forget you.

NOTE: For those that this post may have bothered I totally understand if you don't wish to continue to read my blog. I plan to keep my blog the same and will discuss this pregnancy and my losses simultaneously so I understand if some can not handle that. For me my loss and my current pregnancy are intertwined - so they will stay that way on this blog. Thank you for understanding!

Surgery results....

So I went to my HSG procedure today and right away the doctor said "beautiful uterus" - it was music to my ears! But then my tubes were not spilling the dye (to show they are open). I was freaking out! A beautiful uterus is rather useless if my tubes are blocked!!! The doc had me move to my one side and the left side spilled and then after moving around a bit more the right one spilled too! So to make a short story shorter... EVERYTHING IS PERFECT!!!!

So in a month or two let the baby making begin ; ) : ) :-) 

Momma and Daddy miss you Riley and Peyton - we hope to have a brother or sister (or ;) both) on the way soon :) We will always love you and never forget you. I wore my bracelet for you two at your aunt's wedding saturday and proudly showed off my tattoo. You are always, always with me! 

Post-op appointment

Yesterday I finally had the long awaited post-op appointment! It was a long five days to get to that appointment believe me!

The doctor came in and asked me how everything went with a balloon catheter and I said not great it was the bane of my existence the past 5 days. He thought that was funny and said he was sorry that it gave me such issues. I told him if anything it should make it really easy to take out - and it was... THEN came the dreaded removal of the stitches. My incisions had been the main cause of my pain since surgery so I knew the removal of them was going to incredibly suck!

He removed the stitches from the right incision first and said the stitches were "buried" so it hurt like hell to get those taken out - to say the least. Then came the belly button stitch removal - this had been my most painful incision (still is) - so I was dreading this to say the least! It took him at least 5 minutes of poking around my belly button with scissors to get the dumb stitch out. He said the resident did the stitches to tight either that or there was just more swelling than usual which was making it hard to take out. Either way it sucked. Luckily the removal of the stitches from the left incision was easy - or I just didn't notice because my belly button hurt so bad LOL.

Either way it is done and in 2 months or so hopefully there will be a beautiful normal looking uterus on the screen of my next HSG! It seems like such a long long wait but I am excited for that day :)

I would write more but just as I was going to write this post I started to feel crappy again. I still feel very weak and can't do much without feeling sick so I am taking it easy. I figure after another week (hopefully) I will be good as new - minus some new scars ;)

It is all well worth it of course!

Much love to you all and thank you for your sweet comments, thoughts, and prayers.

(p.s. - the rude BLM from the last post was no one from this lovely blogging community. It was a BLM I knew in real life - who thank goodness moved away.)


Sweet Riley - a year ago we had blood results confirm that you had left us and were in Heaven. The doctor had made it quite clear that we should not be hopeful so we had begun to grieve you Valentine's Day weekend but it was still hard to hear. We will always love you and never forget you! Many many people thought of you on 2/11 even though mommy and daddy couldn't leave the house to do anything we were thinking of you every second. We love you and Peyton more than I could ever explain to you or to anyone. You mean the world to us.

Surgery... soon to be septum free...

Surgery is Thursday morning at 10 am (EST). I had blood work done on Friday and today I met with the doctor for him to further explain the surgery. He has done many of these resections so I am confident all will be well. I am dreading recovery but that is just me. I fear the worst... even more since the past year.

Anxiety gets the best of me. But I know that I will be okay. I don't have the words today and the words I do have are jumbled and not type-able. Hear are some songs that I heard today on my drive. Fair warning "Name" will certainly bring tears.




"The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it"





"He sees you, He's near you
He knows your face
He knows your pain
He sees you, and He loves you
He knows your name"

And this song - just because I love it....



Keep me in your prayers. Thank you...

Riley & Peyton mommy loves you so so much...

Believe in Dreams...

So I have been busy lately. With just life in general really - nothing super exciting whatsoever. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an exciting life, to be an exciting person. But at the same time I am perfectly happy being my homebody, somewhat dull self. I don't mean that to sound depressing - it's not - part of who I am is that I love to be home, on the couch vegging out or spending time out with my husband. Those are my favorite times. Though I must say if money wasn't an issue we would go out far more than we do. Thus is life...

Quick note: Check out my store! Big sale and free gift for each order made before 2/11/11 (Riley's one year angelversary)!

I subbed the past two days for Elementary Music. Crazy right? Yep - pretty much. The plans were basically impossible for me to do - because although I can sing - I am not a music teacher. So it was a fly by the seat of my pants kinda subbing moment. It's sad how often those moments occur! Then I took the same job today - apparently because I like to torture myself. The last class (before chorus) was AWFUL! And when I informed the teacher that they were LOUD he just smiled and said thank you and they all left. I was like WOW and I wonder why they don't act good - because YOU don't care! UGH! That made me mad!

SO my surgery is a week from Thursday. Time did go pretty fast. I am looking forward to getting it over with and moving on. Afterwards I can look forward to the summer when TTC will be a possibility again. I have two pre-op appointments before then. I think this is rather extensive - I mean how much is my blood going to change in 4 days? Seems silly but I have to trust that there is a logical reason behind it and it's not just to get me to waster my gas money, energy, and time. I am looking forward to Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow I had planned to stay in but it seems the weather would make me anyways. WE are supposed to get about 16 inches where I live tomorrow. Oh what fun. SO as long as the roads are passable by Thursday morning I will be a happy girl. All the schools in the area pretty much are already closed and it hasn't even started to snow yet. I have to say I am proud of WNY for being proactive - they are often anything but - let's hope this isn't an excuse for them to not plow the roads in a timely manner. There are some that will have to go to work so I hope for their sake that the roads are well managed.

Thursday is my first meeting with my Face2Face group  at 9am so that is why I need the roads to be good :) I am looking forward to meeting the two ladies in my group and just talk ya know? It's sad to meet people who share similar sad circumstances but at the same time - why go through it alone? There are FAR too many people in this world that "ignore" their losses or "pretend they never happened" - people who won't talk about it. And I have to say that sooner or later (most likely) that will eat them up inside. The book I have been reading "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb (who's other two books I LOVED in high school) just threw a WHOLE LOTTA baby loss at me. I read these parts of the book while subbing, with a class in the room (they were watching a movie for class) and I was shocked that I handled it so well. It gave me hope that maybe these moments in books and movies won't rip me apart for the rest of my lives - it is far more likely that I was just having a strong day. Honestly seeing the pregnant art teacher talking about her due date in the lunch room was far more upsetting.

I am looking forward to Friday with Nate SO much! As I mentioned above we can't often afford to go out and have date nights and what not like I would like so I am cherish our all day excursion. The one downfall to the day is my pre-op blood work (NOT a fan of needles). However other than that it will be a fabulous day. We are getting up early (by early I mean like 8 or 9 LOL (I like to go to bed very late and sleep till like 11am - I am weird. Anyways we are going to bowl two games and see if Kinect has improved our bowling skills - I'm not gonna hold my breathe LOL ;) then we are going to grab some lunch (I have a coupon YEA) and then paint some pottery (it's the art teacher in me - I love it) This place lets you paint it there and then they fire it and you can come back and pick it up! :) Then blood work, a trip to Best Buy (we have gift cards we may use), movie (I am thinking Sanctum), and a nice dinner out at Red Lobster (which I hope will include an amazing Pina Colada)! It will be a fun outing before surgery and recovery and all.

As a last note I would like to add that after going to my parents to do laundry after an EXHAUSTING day of quieting elementary music students... my dad told me a package had some for me. This is odd given I have not lived there for the last 2 1/2 yrs. since I got married... I open it and I am still confused until I see something that says G.oogle. Then I'm like OOOOHHHH I think I know what this is. NO WAY! And I was right - they sent me a free G.oogle chrome laptop! I had filled out a survey I'd say a month or two ago for one. Answered questions and if I was chosen they would send me a laptop to keep for free and I just write to them if I have problems or suggestions with the computer and the operating system! VERY COOL! I would include pics but I am far to tired and lazy currently. I apologize for spelling errors and such but this computer is weird to get used to and what not so bear with me ;)

Anyways I am off to watch a show before bed - I have been fighting sleep for awhile now but I will soon welcome it with open arms. On that note I am praying for no sad dreams. The other day I had a dream that I had a stillborn baby girl and that I was so upset but two hours later we realized the doctors were wrong and she WAS alive. In the dream I remember loving her, holding her, playing with her, I awoke with a smile on my face to realize - of course - this never happened - it was a cruel trick my mind played on me. I am glad I had to work that day because otherwise the dream may have overtook my day - may have made it quite unbearable. SO I pray that dream or others like it will not enter my mind tonight or ever again....I pray my dream of a living child will be reality sooner rather than later - but I know it is all in God's time - not my own...

"Believe in dreams
You love so much
Let the passion of your heart
Make them real
And tell
All the ones you love
Anything and everything you feel

Laugh about the past
And secretly
Wish we could go back
And save the child..." - Flyleaf "Believe in Dreams"

Riley & Peyton momma loves you so much! How I wish I could wake and find that losing you was all some cruel dream. That I could wake up and have never lost you. That neither of you had ever died.That my body had never killed you. That this stupid septum in my uterus never existed. That the last year was all just a horrible nightmare. Sadly I know this will never happen but I also know that I will wish that for the rest of my life until the day I hold you in my arms up in Heaven. I carry you in my heart my loves. In my words. In my voice.In every way except in my arms where you should be... I love you more than I could have ever imagined. So little, so loved. Thank you for making me strong and keep sending me those peaceful moments when I just know you are here with me. Thank you my sweet babies. Thank you.... I love you SO very much! 

MRI results are in...

So in case you don't remember - or didn't know - I had a hysteropingogram a few weeks ago where they shot dye in my uterus to see if there was issues.... there was. My uterus was shaped like a V (sort of like below)

If that part that juts down is muscle - then it's bicornuate uterus - if it's tissue - then it's a septate uterus. I was told at the appointment that tissue can be easily removed in a simple laproscopic surgery and if it's muscle nothing could be done. With muscle they say that with every pregnancy you get further along (so bascially more losses were a huge possibility).

So without further ado.............. HAPPY NEWS! It's a septate uterus and it's tissue! :) :) :) So I have an appointment on Tuesday with my doctor to discuss the surgery and set it all up - my doc said that it should be able to get scheduled in January! :) :) :)

Apparently the separation is almost so bad that it completely separates my uterus. Apparently the tissue is even attached to my cervix! But again... nothing to worry about the doctor says it will be all fixed with surgery.

I am SO blessed to have this specialist - apparently the MRI results read bicorunate uterus but my doctor said he thought it was incorrect and that they don't deal with such issues often and when he discussed it with the guy that did the results - he said they then agreed that it was tissue :) SO blessed that he took the initiative and cared enough to know that the results were incorrect. Some other doctor may have just said - ehhhhhh bicornuate sorry - ya know? SO BLESSED! Thank the Lord! I am so happy!

Also...I just read that with a septate uterus the chance of miscarriage is 90% WOAH that's huge - so apparently this surgery in most cases takes the miscarriage chances down to 15% which is the average chance anyways - so that is ALSO great :) I will still be worried the next time I am pregnant but this is great great news :)

Thank you for all of your prayers!

*** Check it out - I added "My baby loss journey" on my left column ***

So I am thrilled to end 2010 with HAPPY NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words where their warmth should be....

Writing on this blog has become less of an every day thing in the past month or two and more of a place to share my opinions (Cheers & Jeers), my anger, my sadness, my pain, and even my joy. I come to this blog because I can take this blogger box and fill it with my every hope, wish, and dream. I can be honest, forthright, and fearless. This place is for me, for me and my babies. As I write this I am welling up with tears because it makes me so angry, so deeply sad that this is all I have of them. These words are my memories, my moments in time, my words that must replace what should have been their warmth in my arms.

This tear filled post could have been a fitful cry in the middle of the night, a diaper change, a feeding, my baby just wanting to be held. I managed the holidays so far with smiles and laughter. Created ornaments and stocking for my children that I will hang in the years to come on every Christmas tree we have for the rest of my God given life. I created the only memories I could and I helped to create memories for other BLMs by making ornaments and participating in an ornament exchange, a card exchange, and a gift exchange.


Today at church (you can read about it in more detail on the previous post) our youth pastor spoke and at the end of the sermon we found out that one of his wife's students (she teaches physical education) had lost her 2 year battle with cancer on Christmas Eve (she would have been 16 in May). 2 weeks before she made it clear that she believed in God, had been saved, and so they knew when she passed that we would one day see her in Heaven. I didn't know this girl but I knew the love my friends had for her and even though they were thrilled they would meet her in Heaven again one day they were filled with sadness too. I didn't know her but I cried, I cried for my friends loss, and even more for her dear parents. They entered this grief journey, this sad club, this monumental group of people that we wish would stop growing. I know I can do nothing to take away their pain but I am making them an angel plaque for their sweet girl and I hope that brings them a small amount of peace through their tears.

(If you have not read the book FIREFLY LANE and wish to one day DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH THAT IS IN RED! It will give away the ending. You have been warned! After the red feel free to continue reading!)

I also just finished Firefly Lane which midway through shocked me with a miscarriage and then at the end the death of one of the characters. She died of cancer. Her first child she miscarried at 4 months, then went on to have a baby girl, and then quite a few years later twin boys. Her best friend urged her to write "her story" so that her children could know all about their mother even after she was gone. She did. All I could think through this was this is my story and my babies can't ever read it. The story would have made me cry anyways but this made me sob. When the book was done I had to leave the room so I wouldn't wake up my poor husband (who actually has to wake up to go to work in 3 hours). However, God can tell them all about me and I know I will meet them one day... but it still just plain sucks. No two ways around that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have my MRI on Tuesday. I am terrified. I am hopeful - but I can't bear the idea that my hope could be crushed - I know I will survive it if it is - but I am terrified of the prospect of that looming anvil that could crush crush crush. My cousin's husband is doing the MRI so I am glad that it is someone I can trust. I am not thrilled with enclosed spaces but was told to wear my sleeping mask so that the space won't freak me out and I can bring music to listen to for the hour I am in the contraption. (I have worn a sleeping mask to bed since 7th grade EVERY night - that's over 18 years! Crazy but true! And not the SAME one for 18 years...that would be gross!) But the process is the least of the worries. Obviously I am terrified that I will be told that the problem with my uterus - the reason it is shaped like a capital V is that it is bicornuate and that it is extra muscle essentially splitting my uterus practically in two. This would be the bad news - the crusher. The HOPEFUL news would be that it is TISSUE and can therefore be easily removed through surgery and once healed could POSSIBLY solve my miscarriage issues. I'm praying for tissue but terrified of the bicornuate anvil that is the muscle diagnosis. I will fill you in when I know more. Until then.... think and pray TISSUE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My tears have dried, and my mind has stilled.... yet again this blog has helped me. I thank God for this space and all of you wonderful readers everyday. The blogging BLM community has meant so much to me. I know you always will. Even if I lose touch with some of you over time, your names and your babies names are engraved on my heart....please know this. Also I added a CONTACT area in the upper left hand column of my blog. Feel free to write me and email if you ever wish to ask questions or would like to talk to me about anything, even as simple as what I think of a movie (I also have a movie review blog LOL)...I leave you with this touching clip from the Rabbit Hole (it won't ruin the movie don't worry!)

I reviewed Rabbit Hole HERE.


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‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”-Revelation 21:4