Saturday, October 15, 2011

Ultrasound: Good and bad news

We had our ultrasound yesterday morning around 8:45am EST. As soon as the tech started the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. I could not see two babies. I was right. Baby B is no longer with us (he/she probably passed away 2-3 weeks ago) and we are devastated. My heart practically stopped for a minute until she showed us the heartbeat of Baby A. Then, through my tears, I started to breathe again. How do you handle such a thing? How does someone get through something so tragic that is followed by something so joyful with seconds? I still don't know. I handle it because I have to not because I want to. I would never choose to go through this nor would I wish it upon my worst enemy. I now have three angels. My mom says my Nana is loving it up in Heaven right now caring for all my little ones. I'm sure she's right.

My dream of having two babies in my arms in April have been crushed. I still do have strong faith and hope for our other little healthy tater tot. He/she is measuring ahead 12 weeks 6 days/ 13 weeks and I was 12 weeks 4 days at the ultrasound. So that is GREAT news.

We saw our little one moving around. We saw tater tot's hands, feet, and brain. For the first time ever we heard one of our babies' heartbeats. What a beautiful sound. They said that this happens very often and that there is no need to worry about Baby A and my body will just absorb Baby B and the loss will never negatively effect the other child. This was reassuring to know. There were many tears from both me and my husband during that ultrasound. Much grief intertwined with much joy. My mother came in halfway through the ultrasound (after we knew of the loss - though of course I told her about it) and we all got a good laugh when our little one made the strong arm position like he/she was flexing their muscles ;) That was great (see pics below).

We will be able to find the sex out on Dec. 2nd at the specialist (the ultrasound is technically to check for birth defects). But if my regular doc can get me in sooner (I was hoping to know by Thanksgiving) then I will gladly take him up on that! The specialist informed us that we went from a very high risk pregnancy to what should be a rather boring one. Through all her kind words all I could think was I was ready for the high risk. But apparently two babies were not meant to be. I thank God for the one still growing inside me.

Terrifying to think of future pregnancies (I know I'm getting a bit ahead of myself). My husband said, "Well technically isn't this your first "normal" miscarriage (as my other ones were attributed to my septum)?". I said, "Yes I just hope that it's the last one, I don't want to go through loss every time I am pregnant." I hope it is my last loss. All I can do is hope and pray though. Only God knows what will happen.

On another note:
Today I had a friend tell me that I should "be ready for anything" and "hope that 'anything' doesn't happen"... Are things like this supposed to make me feel better? THEY DON'T! Honestly they piss me off. The friend continued to say "Don't dwell on it". REALLY!?! I'm sorry is my grieving my child really upsetting YOUR life so much? It happened less than 48 hours ago and I'm DWELLING on it? I don't dwell. I grieve in a perfectly freaking healthy manner. Anyone who doesn't think so can take a flying leap OUT of my life. People should not presume to KNOW what I am going through when they have never lost a child. I don't need your judgment I have enough problems....

I guess Gabby (my cat) was still laying with me because. well... there was still a baby. Just not two any longer... she laid with me again today. Such a sweet cat (at least when I'm pregnant LOL).

We had plans yesterday to celebrate. After the visit we discussed whether those plans should continue or if we should just go home. We decided that none of our angels would want us not to celebrate their brother/sister.... so we still carried on with our plans. We went to the movies and out to eat. Tears were mixed throughout the day but it was a nice time considering the circumstances.

Our little one was moving around...

I'm pretty sure that's the heart you can see :)

Tater tot's face :) (slightly halloween-esque lol)

Baby brain and sweet arm and profile!!

Brains again! ;)

On the move again...

STRONG ARM!  Flexing and telling us he/she is okay!

Riley, Peyton, Baby B, 
I love you all and miss each of you terribly. Please be there for each other since I can't be there with you. Spend lots of time with your Nana because I know how much she wanted more grandchildren and she will be thrilled to have the three of you with her. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so very much <3


  1. I am so sorry for the passing of baby B. ((HUGS)) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, praying for Baby A to continue growing right on track until he/she comes home in your arms alive and well.

  2. Oh Jessica, I am feeling so many mixed emotions for you. I am so sorry that one of your babies passed away, but I am so grateful and happy about how well your other little one is doing. I will add your Baby B to my memorial tonight. <3 Riley, Peyton, and Baby B <3 My heart and prayers are with you!

  3. I'm sorry to hear the sad news that Baby B passed away. :( I'm relieved for you that Baby A is okay. Sending prayers and baby-growing vibes to this little one of yours. Grow baby grow.

  4. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Jessica. I'm happy that Baby A continue to do well, but I'm so sad that Baby B is gone. That is a rollercoaster of emotions, definitely both sadness and joy. My prayers are with you and your family at this time. Hugs!

  5. Again, I am so sorry about this. I can not even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I am thinking of you often throughout the day and praying for you. Seeing the pictures of your beautiful healthy baby gives me so much hope that you will get to hold a baby in your arms soon.

  6. Ugh! I just hate that you've had to lose another angel. I'm thinking about you tonight as I watch my Angel's light flicker and dance.


  7. This is difficult news, but you are right how can you not be happy with such a beautiful sound and life growing? Mikayla was actually a twin, and I remember those feelings. I am so happy things with Baby A are going well, and I pray they continue that way for you!

  8. Jessica, I am both sad and happy if that makes sense, its hard to lose a child, and yet you do have baby A that's still growing inside prayers are with you, I do love that cat of yours, my cat died yesterday so we have been really sad about that...nothing like kitty purrs, and paws!

  9. I am so very sorry for the loss of Baby B, and so angry at your friend for you! I'm glad Baby A is doing well, but I just hate that Baby B will be joining your other angels in heaven and not your arms!

  10. Jess, this just breaks my heart for you & hubby! I'm so sorry! I'm encouraged that the other baby is looking good - love his little pictures. (((HUGS))) dear - you know I'm praying for you. May the Lord bring you comfort for this loss. I know you already have the joy for this sweet baby you are carrying.

  11. So very sorry about Baby B......I am praying for you guys and your little tater tot who by the way has very cute u/s pictures ♥

  12. Jess,

    I again am very sorry about the loss of Baby B. My heart breaks for you and Nate. I am praying so hard that there are no more losses EVER for you!

    I am super happy to hear that Baby A is doing so well! I praise God for that. I think it is just wonderful that you went out to celebrate that little one. I think that you are right when you say that none of your angels would want you to not celebrate their brother or sister. In fact, I bet they were celebrating with you.

    I am praying for you and for your tater tot. I am so sorry Jess. I love you and all of your precious babies.

    Lots of love to you and all of your precious babies!

  13. cheryllookingforwardOctober 17, 2011 at 6:46 AM

    I'm full of happiness and sadness for you. I'm so happy to hear that Baby A is doing well and I'll continue to think about you and I'm full of hope! Lots of love and hugs for Baby B.

  14. I am sorry to hear of baby b praying for you and your sweet hubby as well as for little tater tot to grow stroing inside of you!! hugs mama you are one strong cookie!!! Much love

  15. Oh Girl! My heart is breaking for you as I have been exactly in your shoes. It is such a bittersweet time. I am encouraged by your comment about handling it because we have to not because we want to.

    I still struggle with the 'what if' thoughts, knowing my current pregnancy should be two.

    Allow yourself time to grieve your sweet Baby B and allow yourself time to rejoice your healthy Baby A. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so excited about our Baby A (Calli), but I rest easier knowing she is our blessing from God and her brothers and sisters would us to enjoy each moment with her.

    Glad you did celebrated with dinner and the movies.

    Praying for you and precious Tator Tot to continue growing strong! (((hugs)))

  16. Jess, I'm so so sorry for the loss of Baby B. though I'm happy to hear Baby A is doing well. I know it must be so bittersweet. & I'm praying for you guys as you mourn the loss of your 3 sweet angels


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