Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What it's like to be me....

First off I want to start this by saying I am 12 weeks and 2 days along with my twins today and as far as I know all is going well. I have finished all 4 seasons of Felicity and need a new series to watch (suggestions appreciated)! On Friday I go to my specialist for a consult and an ultrasound where I can finally gain some actual peace of mind that all is well officially. Please realize this post is NOT me being depressed it is imply explaining what is like to be a BLM (or at least what it is like for ME as a BLM).

Don't judge me for discussing my grief. If you have never gone through the loss of a child you have no right to tell me that blogging about it is unhealthy. This helps me people judging me does not. If you DON'T plan to judge then feel free to read on, if you are judgmental then please stop reading this and my blog in general.....

For those stumbling upon this blog who may not know my story here is a shortened version....
My first pregnancy was care free until it ended abruptly at 7 weeks (2/11/10) after telling everyone we knew but before we ever saw a doctor. The first sonogram I ever got showed my dead baby. Riley was gone. That was the day my life changed. Forever. Six months later 10 weeks into my second pregnancy (8/19/11) I lost my Peyton. This was after a couple positive ultrasounds and a mere 3 days after seeing the heartbeat for the 3rd time. Almost a year after losing Riley I had surgery to remove a septum in my uterus that was the most likely cause for both my losses as my case was very severe. This is a condition 1 in 1,000-2,000 women are born with but most often do not find out until they have had miscarriages.

Being a BLM is not easy and becoming pregnant doesn't make it easier. I am, of course, THRILLED to be pregnant with twins but it is a scary, scary thing for me. The naivety most women have during pregnancy is now long gone. My first rainbow baby (a baby born after the loss of a child) did not survive and I worry about my twin rainbows.

For this entire pregnancy when I go to the bathroom (sorry for the TMI) I check for spotting. I worry every time that I will be spotting.

I worry about eating - I make sure I don't eat anything that is possibly unsafe for my babies. Many woman probably don't even worry about this but there are MANY things you are told to be careful of... to name just a few: creamy dressings (caesar, ranch, honey mustard,etc.) from restaurants, deli meat, unpasturized soft cheeses such as feta and bleu cheese, unpasturized apple cider, fish/seafood that is high in mercury... and like I said that is just a few items.

I worry that my babies are okay. It has been 5 weeks since my last ultrasound and while my prenatal visit went well it also went well with Peyton but Peyton was gone. That terrifies me. My doctor doesn't use a fetal doppler in the office because it is two hard to tell if you are hearing both heartbeats so without an ultrasound I don't have any definite proof that all is well.

I have normal worries too. I worry about finances and having everything we will need to take care of our babies. I worry about questions people will ask me when it is obvious I am pregnant (and not just plump).

You never realize how daunting some simple questions can break a BLMs heart. I NEVER would have thought that "Do you have any other children?" or "Is this your first?" could be so painful. Now I know different.

Until Friday I have my cat to make me feel all is well. She lays with me and for the past 3 years she ONLY has laid with me when I was pregnant. So she reassures me, which I greatly appreciate :)

So for those who read through this... thank you... and for those that are not BLMs remember to not judge those who have been through situations that you do not understand. And remember when you are encountered by someone who may not be all that friendly that you never know what that person is going through. Kindness, empathy, and a SIMPLE "I'm sorry" can go a long way in all situations.

This song is "Again" by Flyleaf - I saw them in concert for the 3rd time a couple days after losing Riley... this song and the lyrics below it - brought me to tears...

They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. I miss you so much right now. Hug Nana for me.


  1. Jess,

    I am praying for you and those precious babies. I am so grateful for that cat and the peace that she brings.

    Thank you for keeping us updated. I can't wait to hear about Friday's appointment and see some pictures of those tater tots. I bet they have gotten so cute:):)

    As you know, your precious Riley and Peyton will always have a special place in my heart. Those babies are two of the most special people that have touched my life. I look forward to the day that I can tell them that in person. The day that I meet the Lord and my precious Micah too.

    Until then, I will enjoy my friendship with there wonderful mama and remember them always!

    Lots of love to you and all of your precious babies!


  2. Totally understand all of this......praying for you and the twins

  3. I totally understand too. We are now 30 weeks pregnant and I still fear of spotting, check kick counts, and strive to do everything "right" as I possibly can. But all I really can do is rest in God's peace. I will definitely continue to pray for you and the twins.

  4. Thinking of you and all of your sweet babies. I would like to tell you it gets better and the worry goes away, but I would be lying. I worried until the day Cameron was here.

    Thinking of you!


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