"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Angie at Still Life with Circles started started a project called Right Where I Am - where babyloss parents can share about their grief journey at this point in that walk... it's beautiful and I thank her for creating it so that I may be a part of it and read of others who participate as well. This is my post from last year.
2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks (since we lost Riley)
1 year, 9 months, 5 days (since we lost Peyton)
7 months, 1 week, 3 days (since we lost Cameron)
My grief journey has changed since my post a year ago for this project. In a way I grieve more, but certainly differently. My rainbow baby, Logan Charles, was born on April 29, 2012. He is a pure blessing and a miracle! I will never be able to explain in words how much he means to me. The pregnancy was originally twins but sadly as you can see from above we lost Cameron (somewhere between 10-14 weeks into the pregnancy). That is where my grief journey really took a turn because I was devastated that day beyond words. I had felt like we were being doubly blessed after losing our first two children. That twins were a sign that all would be well, etc. At 7 weeks along when we saw both heartbeats I truly thought all would continue to be well throughout the pregnancy. 7 weeks later that all just crashed and burned. When they did the ultrasound I did not see two babies like I should have.... I knew something was wrong. The tech showed us little baby b (Cameron) who was only now measuring 7 weeks even at the 14 week appt. and of course had no heartbeat. Baby b (Cameron) was gone. My husband and I were bawling at this point and I just needed to know how the other baby was doing. After what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was only seconds I'm sure) she showed us Logan's heartbeat. She went on to tell us he was measuring well and looked perfectly healthy.
That day was quite the turn in my journey. My husband was very upset and couldn't understand why I wasn't MORE upset than I was. I had cried quite a bit of course but I KNEW that I had to keep it together and to not over stress my body and cause harm to my sweet baby a (Logan). I distinctly remember feeling badly that I was not grieving Cameron in the same way that I had grieved Riley and Peyton. Did this make me a bad mom? But I soon realized of course it didn't.... my instinct took over and I KNEW that I had to handle this grief in a different manner, I am a VERY emotional person and I knew it could cause harm to my pregnancy if I was to get too upset over the loss of Cameron. My husband understood this in the end of course and throughout the pregnancy we were terrified that something bad was going to happen. Ultrasounds will ALWAYS be a scary thing for us because other than literally TWO ultrasounds (both with my last pregnancy after losing Cameron) there has always been a loss.... my husband hates ultrasounds and they terrify me as well. We feel we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I don't want to blabber on as I did last year (I make no promises but I don't WANT to blabber lol)....
A month before finding out I was pregnant last year I lost my Nana. She was an extremely important person in my life and always will be. I am happy that she is watching my babies in Heaven but as with all losses I selfishly wish she were here to hold and love Logan. My Papa is visiting on Saturday and when mentioning that to my husband I said " Nana and Papa....." and I just started crying..... I still feel like she's here sometimes and I cry as I write this because the loss (as with my babies) just seems like it will always be so new, so fresh, so unbearably raw. Other than my babies she is the greatest loss I have ever dealt with... throughout my pregnancy I would have dreams of her and just cry when I woke up knowing she wouldn't be here to meet Logan. I think I may always cry when I think of her and my babies.... and that's okay...
I am an emotional person... always have been, always will be and that is something I will never apologize for... I am not ashamed of it is any way. I know your body is weighed down with hormones during and after pregnancy but I think Logan has just brought on a whole wealth of new emotions to me. I am a mommy. I have been for two years but now I am a mommy to the WORLD. They can see that. I had my first Mother's Day where I was acknowledged as a mother. Having a living child in my life has, in a way, made my grief more acute. Looking at him makes me realize how precious and perfect my little ones in Heaven must be, makes me realize all that I lost. Makes it more real in a way, though I can't really explain what I mean by that. I cry more often then I used to. Not the baby blues or anything like that. Sometimes I cry happy tears because I feel soooo blessed to just have a baby to love and snuggle and hold in my arms... just looking at him can make me cry tears of joy. Other times I cry because I don't want people to think that he healed my heart completely and that Riley, Peyton, and Cameron are not important to me.... they ALWAYS will be. Sometimes I cry because, well, I'm an overwhelmed and tired mommy (as I'm sure all moms do at times). Basically at this point (we'll see if the hormones are to blame in time) I cry more for my losses, for the gift and blessing of my rainbow baby, for my Nana..... I will not apologize. I am a babyloss mommy and a rainbow mommy. I love all my children equally even though I can't love them all here on Earth in my arms...
Bless you all for reading this... I pray that your journey of grief be as peaceful as possible....
My tattoo for my babies...I sadly have to add Cameron to it still...
Riley, Peyton, Cameron,
Mommy and daddy love you so very much. We will tell your brother all about you! Watch over him and send us peace, love, and many hugs and kisses every day. Give Nana a big hug for mommy. We love you all dearly...
Logan's birth announcement - I made it myself!!! :)
When "they" say a baby changes everything, "they" aren't kidding! Now I have no idea who THEY are - but you get where I'm coming from....everyone always says get your sleep cause you'll never sleep in again! Go out and have fun, because that's all about to end. Enjoy some movies now because it will be all cartoons soon. Blah blah blah so on and so forth. You get the gist.....
First off I don't see how getting plenty of sleep before I had Logan helps me now that he's here...it doesn't that's dumb advice LOL... Secondly, I find it VERY hard to believe that we will never be able to go out and have fun again - sure we'll miss our son but I think it's important to a marriage for the husband and wife to have their time together....so those that gave that advice I simply ignore....I digress.... people MEAN WELL they just come off as making parenthood seem like this horrible slavery to your child. It's weird.
Nonetheless, the past couple weeks have not, I repeat, NOT been easy. I know, I know, who expected it to be? Well, I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it has been. A lot of this of course is do to lack of sleep. Men you see have this way about them, or at least my husband does.... he can sleep like a rock! Well, I certainly CAN'T - not even a little bit. I was a light sleeper BEFORE Logan was born - and it has not improved. Every little noise he makes can wake me up. We tried the crib and for one time per night (for only 2 hours total on 2 nights) he managed to sleep then that all went away. People say to let them cry it out and soothe themselves and I may be able to do that in the future but not now. I worry about my baby and this mama can not handle letting him bawl his eyes out. Just. Can't. Do. It.....not yet.
So when we brought Logan home the idea was to put him in the crib when he slept/napped....as I mentioned that did not go well. So then I was sleeping in the living room with him in his swing for a few nights. He seems to need to be on a bit of an incline (probably do to reflux issues....I'll explain THAT in a minute) so my sister said our two friends (who also recently had babies) LOVED the Rock N Play.... so THAT is what we got :) that is what he currently sleeps in and boy is that a lifesaver! We can have it in our bedroom unlike the massive swing which was NOT coming back and forth down our hallway! So it was nice the past week or so to actually sleep in our bed again. Still though the first couple days it was a bit hard to sleep because babies move a lot in their sleep at times (Logan does for sure!) and those little movements and noises wake mommy up. Alas, I am getting used to it and sleeping better through all that.
Another thing that really was hard to handle was coming to the realization that I could not breastfeed :*( I was (and still am) rather upset about that. When I was told to give up and do formula it was a day or two filled with many tears. I wanted what was best for my baby and he was such a good nurser and I felt like it was some nasty trick that my milk never came in. That yet again my body was betraying me. Well, when Logan was about 12 days old I called my doc and asked if there was any chance my milk would come in. She said given everything I had tried: pumping, consistent feedings, medicine, etc. that if it hadn't come in yet then it wasn't going to.... so I got out the formula sample container the hospital gave us as a "gift" and gave him his first bottle....crying the whole time. It was an exhausting couple of days and very hard for me to deal with but for the most part I am quite fine with it all now.
Last Wednesday all hell broke loose....maybe a bit dramatic but let's just say it was NOT GOOD! Little Logan was spitting up (more like throwing up as it was SO MUCH formula) so much - at a couple different times he soaked right through all his clothes in a matter of seconds. It was coming out his nose, he would scream in pain. IT WAS TERRIFYING!!! So I called his pediatrician and they brought us in and he wasn't worried because Logan gained weight. Well the rest of the day he would barely eat, didn't sleep good, and still was spitting up a ton. So the next day I called back and said something needed to be done! So the doc told me I could change his formula. We changed to a broken down formula for sensitive tummies. He started improving quickly - ate more, slept better, it's been great!! The doctor wrote a script so that the formula would be covered by WIC which is a real blessing to say the least! It's specialty formula so it's expensive and while I (OF COURSE) would have paid for it no matter what to make Logan better it is nice to have some help with it too!
Sleeping is still a bit of an issue for me. My husband wants to put Logan in his own room but I just don't have that in me yet. I think I'll be able to handle it when he's closer to 2 months. With the scary spit up situations and what not I just can't handle something awful like that happening when I'm not RIGHT THERE to pick him up. I'm a worried mama and I knew that I would be. I have been waiting years for my baby boy and I reserve the right to be a worried mother!
It has been rough - my friends who recently had babies tell me it gets easier...we shall see. I know that I will survive this... I love being a mom but the emotional turmoil is not something that one can be prepared for and I admit it's a bit much for me at moments. My husband doesn't have to deal with the crying or middle of the night feedings, etc. like I do and sometimes I just get aggravated and I am relieved when he is here so I can just hand him Logan so someone else can try to calm him down. Now, mind you, this is not a day to day problem there are days when he is perfectly lovely but there are days when he gets FAR too tired and screams because of it. In moments like this when he ate a ton, diaper is clean, he's getting plenty of snuggles, no temperature, etc. and he STILL cries... those are the moments where he just has to calm himself down. I hate those moments because I feel like a failed mom that I can't calm my baby down. The first fail moment was breast feeding and then the screaming and then the not being able to let him sleep in his room. UGH! It's hard to not beat myself up and then I read articles that say "you need to get your rest because babies can't bond well with a burnt out mom" well GEEZ THANKS! So now not only am I emotional and tired but this freaking article makes me feel like my child won't love me unless I'm well rested. Guess I'm screwed... or they're idiots.... we'll go with they're idiots for sanity's sake! PLEASE don't take this post as a complaint and me not feeling blessed for my baby boy and my wonderful new life. I just wanted to update the reality of what I have gone through. I am in no way depressed, nor do I have the baby blues, I'm just a new mom realizing that it's not easy....
Well, that's the update for now everyone. Little man was grumpy an hour ago and shall soon wake up to eat. Hopefully his constipation will go away with the doc's advice. Poor little guy doesn't poop for a day or two and then POW tons and tons of poop! Sometimes it's rather comical like when I changed his diaper and as soon as I go to change it he starts grunting and KEEPS GOING lol! He's quite the character and his poop grunts are beyond hilarious ;) although I feel bad cause it must hurt the poor little guy! Either way here's hoping a big poop is coming on so Logan can feel relieved! Here's also hoping that it happens when I change his diaper - as his daddy is a wimp and would probably wake me up to do it which would NOT make me happy!
Lastly, I can't believe my little man is already over 3 weeks old!!! YIKES! On a positive note....I now only weigh 5 lbs. more than before I got pregnant - woo hoo!!!
My baby all snazzy for Mother's Day
After his first sponge bath
More pics coming soon....I am far too tired to upload them right now!
Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,
Mommy and daddy love you and miss you and wish you were here to love Logan. I know that you send your love and peace to us daily and I hope you feel our love for you. I'm glad you have Nana to love you because it helps mommy feel better that someone so VERY special to me gets to watch my most special angels. One day we will meet and be one huge happy family... until then hold each other close my loves and give Nana hugs and kisses from me, Logan, and mom (your grandma) EVERY DAY! I love you all more than words could ever say and sometimes the loss I feel is just overwhelming. Your brother is a blessing and I thank God every day for him but you all will always be missing from my heart and I will always carry you in it. As my favorite book says "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby(babies) you'll be." I've read that to your brother recently and I can't get through it without crying. I hope you can hear me reading it to, that way it's like I'm reading it to my whole family. I love you my angels... and I always will.
For a quick update here. We are still in shock over the loss of baby b and trying to come up with a name. Everything seems to be going good with baby a. I got a fetal doppler the other day and found his/her heartbeat (I THINK anyways it's kinda hard to get used to using it so I am working on it though I am sure it will get easier as the baby gets bigger). I wish I felt comfortable taking it to the doctor and asking him to show me how to use it but I think he would not approve of me having one because he thinks "not worrying" solves everything - which we all know is NOT true. My next appointment is on Thursday and I am hoping that I will get my 18 week anatomy scan set up before Thanksgiving! I'll update more after that appointment until then enjoy this useless information about me ;) ..............
A. Age:30
B. Bed size: Queen but I dream of owning a king size bed one day!
C. Chore you hate: What chore DON'T I hate? I guess the worst is dishes!
D. Dogs:My husband is dying to get one I told him when all our future children were at least 5 years old. Dogs are a lot of work - currently we have a cat that I have had for 7 1/2 years :)
E. Essential start to your day: Bagel with cream cheese and OJ
F. Favorite color: RED
G. Gold or silver. Silver - white gold is also okay I can't stand yellow gold at ALL!
H. Height: 5'7 1/2 inches
I. Instruments you play: I played clarinet in band in middle school, piano briefly before that, both didn't work out since I can't read music - I prefer to use my vocal chords as my instrument ;)
J. Job title: Baby incubator!
K. Kids: Three angels - Riley (2/11/10) Peyton (8/19/10) Baby B (10/14/11)
L. Live: New York State... the most expensive taxes in the universe ;) Up near Niagara Falls
M. Mother's name: Pamala (yes with ALL a's)
N. Nicknames:Well in high school I had many but now... Jess is an obvious one, My dad calls me "Boo" (because we used to play hide and seek but I called hide and seek "boo" LOL), My husband calls me Sassy Pants, Jessy Bean, & Baked Bean (more recently... I joke because I am "baking" a baby lol)... I think that's it
O. Overnight hospital stays: hmm none that I can remember.
P. Pet peeves: OK here it goes... Asking for advice that you then not only don't listen to but literally do the opposite and then later say I wish I would have listened to you! UGH! People not using their blinkers (it is FREE is comes with the car USE IT and stop trying to kill me). People singing a song over and over and getting it stuck in my head. Bad waitresses (I was one and there is no excuse for ignoring customers)! Movies with an open ending (UGH - I don't want to guess what happened I want you to TELL me). People that use their cell phone in the bathroom! There's probably many more LOL!
Q. Quote from a movie: "I would rather have three minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." - Steal Magnolias
R. Right or left handed: Right handed. (odd fact though - every guy I have ever dated has been left handed - and my husband shares the same birthday as two of my ex-boyfriends - different year but same day - strange right?
S. Siblings: One younger sister - she's 26
T. Time you wake up: Lately like 10am or so. I let this pregnant body get as much sleep as possible! Soon I doubt I will sleep this well so I plan to enjoy it!
U. Underwear: Uncomfortable lately that's for sure... they don't fit good at all UGH! lol
V. Vegetable you hate: hmm I don't much like pees, I HATE onions, lima beans, squash, cucumbers, probably lots more - I like weird vegetables...
W. What makes you run late: Life in general lol
X. X-rays you have had: hmmm I have had an x-ray of my thyroid, of my upper respiratory tract, my foot, (if an MRI counts I've had one of my whole body LOL), my teeth, that's all I can think of ;) not that it's not enough LOL
Y. Yummy food that you make: I LOVE the crockpot nachos I make (fair warning split this recipe in half if only feeding 2 or 3), Potato Skins, These cheesy biscuits (that taste like the red lobster biscuits!), and baked chicken strips. May I just say that Pinterest is a GREAT place to find recipes! It's where I found ALL of those!!
Z. Zoo animals: I love to see the snakes, lions and tigers (I lump them together for some reason), giraffes are beautiful, and elephants rock! OH and when we went to Virginia I saw a kangaroo for the first time! I would LOVE to see a cheetah someday!
Well there is most likely FAR more information about me then you ever cared to read LOL!
First off I want to start this by saying I am 12 weeks and 2 days along with my twins today and as far as I know all is going well. I have finished all 4 seasons of Felicity and need a new series to watch (suggestions appreciated)! On Friday I go to my specialist for a consult and an ultrasound where I can finally gain some actual peace of mind that all is well officially. Please realize this post is NOT me being depressed it is imply explaining what is like to be a BLM (or at least what it is like for ME as a BLM).
Don't judge me for discussing my grief. If you have never gone through the loss of a child you have no right to tell me that blogging about it is unhealthy. This helps me people judging me does not. If you DON'T plan to judge then feel free to read on, if you are judgmental then please stop reading this and my blog in general.....
For those stumbling upon this blog who may not know my story here is a shortened version....
My first pregnancy was care free until it ended abruptly at 7 weeks (2/11/10) after telling everyone we knew but before we ever saw a doctor. The first sonogram I ever got showed my dead baby. Riley was gone. That was the day my life changed. Forever. Six months later 10 weeks into my second pregnancy (8/19/11) I lost my Peyton. This was after a couple positive ultrasounds and a mere 3 days after seeing the heartbeat for the 3rd time. Almost a year after losing Riley I had surgery to remove a septum in my uterus that was the most likely cause for both my losses as my case was very severe. This is a condition 1 in 1,000-2,000 women are born with but most often do not find out until they have had miscarriages.
Being a BLM is not easy and becoming pregnant doesn't make it easier. I am, of course, THRILLED to be pregnant with twins but it is a scary, scary thing for me. The naivety most women have during pregnancy is now long gone. My first rainbow baby (a baby born after the loss of a child) did not survive and I worry about my twin rainbows.
For this entire pregnancy when I go to the bathroom (sorry for the TMI) I check for spotting. I worry every time that I will be spotting.
I worry about eating - I make sure I don't eat anything that is possibly unsafe for my babies. Many woman probably don't even worry about this but there are MANY things you are told to be careful of... to name just a few: creamy dressings (caesar, ranch, honey mustard,etc.) from restaurants, deli meat, unpasturized soft cheeses such as feta and bleu cheese, unpasturized apple cider, fish/seafood that is high in mercury... and like I said that is just a few items.
I worry that my babies are okay. It has been 5 weeks since my last ultrasound and while my prenatal visit went well it also went well with Peyton but Peyton was gone. That terrifies me. My doctor doesn't use a fetal doppler in the office because it is two hard to tell if you are hearing both heartbeats so without an ultrasound I don't have any definite proof that all is well.
I have normal worries too. I worry about finances and having everything we will need to take care of our babies. I worry about questions people will ask me when it is obvious I am pregnant (and not just plump).
You never realize how daunting some simple questions can break a BLMs heart. I NEVER would have thought that "Do you have any other children?" or "Is this your first?" could be so painful. Now I know different.
Until Friday I have my cat to make me feel all is well. She lays with me and for the past 3 years she ONLY has laid with me when I was pregnant. So she reassures me, which I greatly appreciate :)
So for those who read through this... thank you... and for those that are not BLMs remember to not judge those who have been through situations that you do not understand. And remember when you are encountered by someone who may not be all that friendly that you never know what that person is going through. Kindness, empathy, and a SIMPLE "I'm sorry" can go a long way in all situations.
This song is "Again" by Flyleaf - I saw them in concert for the 3rd time a couple days after losing Riley... this song and the lyrics below it - brought me to tears...
They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out
Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again
Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. I miss you so much right now. Hug Nana for me.
Well my doctor didn't order an ultrasound. I'm not happy but what can I do ya know? I really do like my doctor and he has delivered MANY twins so that makes me feel good I just wish he could have done even an unofficial ultrasound. UGH!
I am 10w4d today - I found out we lost Peyton at 10w3d - which was when my appt. was yesterday! SO I mean come on? How can he tell me not to be worried? DUH! Of course I am worried. I am in NO way stressed to the point where I could be causing issue to my babies but STILL I'm worried. What do they expect!
GEESH! Well anyways I AM going to the specialist (who deals with multiples) in 2 weeks unless my doc gets me a sooner appt.... but I'm not holding my breath!
Until then he said my life should be "boring as hell" so I guess I won't be working. Fine by me I just hope financially we will be okay.
I'll feel MUCH better once I get my next ultrasound! I mean it'll be nice when I get to the point where I feel movement but until then I'll be a bit on the edge of my seat. Who can blame me?
Anyways....keep me in your prayers!
Riley & Peyton mommy loves you - please bring me peace and watch over your siblings. Please know that mommy and daddy both love you so very much!
I'm sure I have mentioned this before...probably over a year ago. But my friend had her baby on Riley's due date. I just saw her post on Facebook today about his one year birthday party.
It broke my heart....
I can't believe that Riley would have been a year old. I can't even begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart to see my friend's baby. He is a constant reminder of what could have been. And THAT is not easy to say the least!
I am obviously BEYOND thrilled that my rainbows are on the way but that doesn't take away the sadness in my heart for the angels I have lost. Pieces of my heart will always be missing and while having twins is AMAZING two births won't make up for the children I lost.
Today is a hard day but luckily also a busy one.
My appt. with the nurse at my OB office was yesterday. It was just a bunch of boring questions but she did tell me that the doctor will most likely order an ultrasound on Thursday when I go in for my first visit with him. Trust me I will be BEGGING him for that! It has been 3 weeks AND this is the longest I ever made it before with a pregnancy so I am extra anxious.
I'll make sure to let you all know how Thursday's appt. goes.
Here is the pic I promised of my cute, cuddly cat who loves to be near the babies!! <3
Excuse my unattractiveness - being pregnant and tired isn't pretty (on me anyways LOL)
Don't you love how her butt is practically falling off the the couch just to she can lay near the babies LOL - so super cute!! <3
Riley & Peyton I miss you every day. As your father said last year. You are more real than the air we breathe. We love you <3
So I was reading a new post today by a lovely momma I'm sure you all know. She really inspired me to write about something I have been thinking about for awhile. She spoke about her reactions when people asked if this pregnancy was "her first"....
When I was pregnant with Riley I had a full time job. I had let people know about my pregnancy at work, at church, on Facebook, pretty much the whole flippin' world knew. Within a day or two of breaking the news to everyone and their mother's hairdresser's aunt we got the bad news.... It sucked. I think all you BLM's out there know what I mean. It was devastating. Life crushing. It was a horrible, awful nightmare! My point is that then I told people... that was 2/11/10 and in May of 2010 I got laid off from that job. Haven't had a full-time job since... SOOooo my social networking has massively died down since then. So with my pregnancy with Peyton it was easier to not spread the news like wildfire because well, to put it simply I was never around people. It's easy not to tell people when you are sitting at home by yourself 85% of the time. Immediate family and a couple friends new.... that's it. But guess what? I still lost Peyton and it still sucked. Given the type of person I am I STILL told people about my loss and let me tell you telling them when they had NO idea I was pregnant again was NO fun at all. If anything it sucked more than when they did know.
Telling people in both cases back then made ME feel like I was the bad guy. I always felt like wow I'm such a jerk for making these people feel bad! Nowadays LOL all I can think is screw them - this happened to ME not THEM! It shattered MY life. If they feel a little pity and feel uncomfortable about such a taboo subject as baby loss oh freaking well. That is the least of my worries. Sure, I know, maybe this makes me seem like a jaded old miser and in a way maybe I am. But, I can only handle so much and feeling BAD about talking about my two children (Riley and Peyton) is NOT something I can handle anymore. So the people who want to ignore my pain or can't talk to me about my children... well those people are on the bottom of my list of important people in my life because Riley & Peyton are at the top of that list! If you are in my life and you want to ignore my children then feel free to see yourself out...plain and simple.
I have been asked many times already if my tater tots are my first pregnancy. I'm quite positive that to each person that has asked I have replied "no, I had a couple losses last year". In come cases I leave it at that and say "that's ok" (even though of course it's not) when people say "oh I'm so sorry". In other cases (people I know better, given the situation) I explain more... if they don't already know. Honestly since being laid off from my job mostly my social situations are with friends (who know the whole story) or at church. At church I have been VERY vocal about my losses. I sang I will carry you: including the slides shown in the post...If you watch until the end you will see information. After singing this song I was unable to sit in church as I was bawling my eyes out. But it was worth it. I also sand Unredeemed at church. You can see at the end of the first slides that our babies had not been named but soon after that song I "met" Mary who inspired me to name my babies. A month ago I sang Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns and in January I plan to sing Held by Natalie Grant. I'm vocal. Anyone who asks me about my babies , I tell them. I tell them as much as they are willing to listen to... I cherish my moments to talk about my angels.
I am SURE that at some point in this journey there will be a cashier or waitress who will ask me if this is my first pregnancy and I will simply nod or something. I just happen to be around people mainly who I know well enough to explain my case. But, I live a rather sheltered life as of late... and I'm okay with that. For now I just want to surround myself with people that care. They are the people that matter.
My MIL has yet to find out about this pregnancy - she never knew about Riley until I had lost Peyton. She has never been around me when I was pregnant. Personally, I have no interest in that changing this time around either. She is crazy and has a weird attachment to my husband. Mind you this weird attachment is only on her side - my hubby is totally normal!! I truly feel she could care less about me. Hasn't seen me since January and in the 3+ years we have been married has seen me MAYBE 10 times. Soooo she cares about seeing her son. Which is fine I just think that when she finds out I am going to be bringing her grandchildren into the world she will want to see me ONLY because of that. And she totally stresses me out. Just thinking about her stresses me out. Sooo at this point even when she finds out I don't think I can handle seeing her. Does that make me an awful person?
I've been worrying a lot lately about finances and me being jobless and what not. But I have to always remember to give it to God. I know He has a plan and that everything will work out :)
Also... to answer a question on a comment from the other day. We are still calling the twins our "tater tots" but they are ALSO our "rainbow babies" - for those that don't know a rainbow baby is what a child is called after a woman's previous child is an angel. So I will call them one or both ;)
Riley & Peyton you will always be our first and second children! Even when we tell people we barely know that the tater tots are my first pregnancy don't think we forgot you or care any less. We just don't wish to make others sad sometimes. We will always love you, talk about you, and miss you. We will tell our tater tots (your brothers/sisters) all about you!! <3
Last year this day was not so hopeful. It was filled with sadness. A multitude of tears and my grief was multiplied as I heard the words "there is no heartbeat" for the second time in a very very short 6 months.
I had been to the doctor's office on the 16th and had seen a quick ultrasound to ease my worry and there was the beautiful heartbeat. I was right around 10 weeks that day. A mere three days later... my Peyton had gone to Heaven. I'll never know what day it was (at least not while on this Earth) but I know it was in the short span of three days. I had stopped worrying after seeing that heartbeat on the 16th. I had no consistent spotting as I did with Riley. Nothing to make me think that anything was wrong. I even went to get my blood work done. MANY many tubes of blood - UGH I hate doing that. I have been poked with needles so much in the last year and a half I should be used to it but I'm NOT I still hate it!! Those three days I was blissfully happy to be pregnant. Because I had no idea what was to come...
I went to the doctor's appointment on the 19th alone. Because...well it was a simple checkup I had just had a sonogram and everything was fine. Well the check up went great - he said everything looked perfect. Then he brought out the fetal doppler. He searched around for 10 minutes. No heartbeat. He said this was unusual but not necessarily alarming. I think he knew it was alarming and he just didn't want to upset me.
They scheduled me to come back in 30 minutes and get an ultrasound. I talked to the nurse about getting a print out from the sonogram this time so I could show my husband. I even scheduled my 16 week appointment. Then I went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant nearby (that I have not set foot in since that day). I went back and the regular ultrasound showed no heartbeat - which should have tipped me off because 3 days beforehand it showed a heartbeat. But I was STILL calm and naive, I went to the bathroom and came back for a transvaginal ultrasound. This time I knew. I had seen a heartbeat enough times at that point to know there wasn't one. So before she went to get the doctor I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" and she said "no, I'm going to go get the doctor."
I sat there alone bawling my eyes out. Sobbing uncontrollably thinking that probably everyone in the office could hear me. But I didn't care. My world was being crushed again. My baby had died again. It seemed inhumane that I was going through this 6 months after losing Riley. I felt like the world was against me and I was PISSED that I was alone. I was SO angry that I had stopped worrying and been dumb enough to come to the doctor alone.
The doctor came in and said he was sorry but that he knew someone who had SIX miscarriages and then had 4 children. This did NOT make me feel better! Looking at someone who is devastated to have TWO miscarriages and putting the possibility of SIX out there is not helpful at all! I know he meant well but it did not help! I left that day totally beaten down. I felt like the weight of the world was crushing my chest and it was hard to breathe. I texted my husband and told him to call me and when he did I told him the tragic news. Then I called my mom, my dad, my sister, my aunt, and my cousin.
In tears I drove to my cousin's house I briefly cried before her son came in the room and then I just hugged him. Later her daughter woke up and I played with them both a bit. Then I went home. The rest is a blur of tears. It was a BAD BAD day.
I am hoping that today is a vast improvement. I need good news today, positive thoughts, and joy. Tomorrow I am in a craft show. Last year it was a good distraction - this year I hope it is a positive, fun-filled day rather than just a distraction. I have faith and I know that God has big plans for me!
Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy will always love you and we will never ever forget you.
It just hits me sometimes ya know? Like a ninja sneak attack. And it SUCKS!
I was just taking a shower this morning and thinking about how the craft show I am in is coming up. Then I started thinking... last year when I was preparing for the craft show I was thrilled to be pregnant. By the time the craft show happened it was two days after I found out my sweet Peyton had gone to heaven. I was still carry Peyton but I knew I was no longer pregnant with a live baby. The only thing worse than that is finding out your baby is no longer alive. People that day that knew probably thought wow she's doing pretty well.... I wasn't. It was just good to have a distraction. But I wasn't doing well. No where near well.
Then I thought if Riley hadn't died I would have an 11 month old right now. If Riley did die but Peyton didn't I would have a 5 month old. In a few weeks I will have passed BOTH my children's angelversaries. Oh how I hate those days.
Even thinking back on the words "no heartbeat" make me want to vomit. Literally. Almost a year ago I found out Peyton was gone. Almost a year and a half ago I found out Riley was gone. It's sad that in the future I will dread sonograms SO much. Sad. But true. Sad that I am 30 with no children.
I've decided not to finish the 30 day challenge. I just don't have the will enough to do it. Too much else in life going on and there needs to be some want on my part to do it and it's simply not there. So I apologize for that.
It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog and maybe no one will read this post but it's something I need to get out. There has just been far too much to say. Do you ever feel that way? Like there are so many words that it's just overwhelming? Life has been overwhelming. It seems when it calms down in my life something just blows up. I'm so sick of it honestly. I'm sorry for the long absence but I appreciate if you would read this post - I don't have the strength to edit it so please bear with my typos.
June was nice - my husband and I went to Florida to spend time with his family. Two brothers and a sister he had never met. They, along with his aunts and cousins, were all wonderful. I miss them dearly. It's lovely to spend time with people you just met and within a day feel totally comfortable with them. In my opinion that's hard to come by. We were there for a week with his family and then spent two days together in Orlando for our third anniversary. We went to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. It was too dang hot but also fun. Harry Potter was our favorite ride. When we came home a couple weeks later (July 3rd) we went to a hotel and got a dinner package. We had a lovely night. We jokingly called it a TTC getaway.
The following weekend we went camping with my family. We found out while there that my Nana had been admitted to the hospital (my mom's mother). We had known for 3 1/2 years that she had a blood disorder called MDS but recently she had been doing okay. We had seen her in April at my sister's wedding (she lives in PA and we live in NY). They told us that they had her fever under control and she was doing ok.
Tuesday when we were in Lake Placid the one day our fun was cut short when I fell while walking down a steep asphalt hill. All my weight fell on the tops of my feet and my one leg. I managed to catch myself so nothing above my knees was injured. I think so much of me is used to protecting my belly all the times I have been pregnant or trying that it's a built in instinct now. I couldn't walk for a couple days and my feet bruised up really badly.
Wednesday morning we found out my Nana had been transferred to Roswell Park Cancer Institute which is in Buffalo, NY (near where we live). But we were 6 1/2 hours away in the Adirondack Mountains! They said her blood disorder had turned into Leukemia as we always new it would. It had turned into AML leukemia. That night they told us she was doing okay and her infection was under control. My mom talked to her but said she was disoriented.
Thursday morning my Nana's friend called and told my mom that Nana was dying and the nurses had told her to call anyone that would want to see her before she passed away. When my mom told me I said I'm driving with you mom - let's go. We hurried up and ate, grabbed what we could, someone programmed the gps and we left. Along the way we called who we could and told them the sad news and let them know if they could get there they should. There were eight siblings to contact (she had 9 but one passed away from cancer years ago). I made sure my cousins knew and they headed on their way. About halfway through our ride (about 2:30pm) my mom's uncle called and said that if we called Nana was doing well enough to talk to us. So we called and my Papa answered and put Nana on the phone. She sounded happy. She said she was doing good and we told her that we loved her and we were coming to see her. She said she loved us too and we hung up so others could talk to her too.
We arrived at 5pm and by that time my Nana had not been talking for awhile. All I could think was she didn't look good. Don't know why I would expect her to. My Papa tried to wake her up but she just got very upset about her IVs and oxygen in her nose, etc. so we told him to let her go back to sleep (she was on a morphine drip for the pain). We visited with family. Talked about all our great times together with Nana and someone off and on was usually holding her hand. By 1:30am me and my mom were going home to sleep for a couple hours. Twenty minutes after we got home (about 1 hr. 15 mins. after we left) my cousin (who is the same age as me) was texting me saying that the nurse was saying that Nana wasn't going to make it to the morning. So we got back in the car and went back up. We got there at 4am. She was breathing much heavier than when we had left. At 6:12 the nurse was ordering morphine drops and my mom got up to go to the bathroom. At that exact moment my Nana started breathing very shallow and me and my cousin knew something was different. She talked to her a bit and then I held her hand and told her that we were all with her, that my sister wanted her to know she loved here, and that we all loved her so much and she could go Home now. We would see her soon. She seemed to open her eyes a bit in these few minutes. I was holding her hand when the nurse came in and said she was gone and that she would give us as much time as we needed.
My Papa had been partially asleep, so he didn't know till the nurse said that (or at least it didn't seem that he knew). My cousin and I believe that my Nana got her way even in the end. We don't think she wanted Papa to see her last breaths and we think she waited for my mom to leave the room. She knew. That was how she wanted it. Stubborn to the very end. I'm bawling now typing this all out because, honestly it is the first time I have fully relived that night "out loud" (so to speak). My Nana passed away on July 15, 2011 at 6:15 am. A little over a month after her 72nd birthday. FAR far too young. I will miss her deeply for as long as I live. I was sad later thinking about how she would never meet my children that I have and then I realized that she met my children even before me. She is loving on her grandbabies Riley and Peyton up in Heaven. She's taking care of them for me.
My mom told me later that when my Uncle Tim had talked to Nana he had asked her is she was afraid to die and she said "I'm not afraid to die but there's so much to live for." So true. I'm so glad that my Nana is not in any pain any longer. I think that she always knew she didn't want to live with Leukemia, live with that pain. So when she found out she had it I believe she wanted to see her family and she wanted to go Home to Heaven. I know she's smiling down on us every day, wanting us to be happy instead of sad but we just miss her so. I got a ring in the mail that I had made to remember her. It says "So much to live for" Nana 7.15.11
I will cherish it.
A week later - the 22nd - I turned 30. I had a good time spending time with family, friends, and a lovely day out with my husband. I have to say though it was hard. Hard to turn 30 with no children. I always thought I would have 2 by now. When I got married at 27 I thought okay well 1 by the time I'm 30. But that wasn't in God's plans. Still makes me sad though. But either way, I survived. I'm 30.
This is our second month TTC. I believe with the fall and the extreme stress of my Nana's death that God knew last month was not a good time to get pregnant. This month I was started on medication and on Thursday I get to see how my eggs are looking. So I'm praying that this month is our month! If we have a girl her middle name will be Julia after my Nana.
This is a song me and my mom were singing (through tears) in the car on the way back up to Roswell at around 3:50am.
Riley & Peyton I love you so very much! Give Nana hugs and kisses for me every single day for me. I love all of you so very much and I miss you more than I could ever explain. I am glad that while I can't be with you, you can all be with each other. Keep ahold of those pieces of my heart that you all have. One day my heart will be whole again and we will all be together. Your momma(granddaughter) and daddy(grandson) love you very much!
1 year 4 months 1 week 5 days (since Riley went to Heaven)
and
10 months and 4 days (since Peyton went to Heaven)
For those who found me from Still Life with Circles thank you for reading. I think this is a great project that Angie is doing and I am glad to take part in it.
To the reader: this post will be all over the place. As my mind is all over the place. Thus is the life of a grieving mother. So I hope you can stay with me throughout this lengthy post. I apologize if I hop around a lot. I believe I was like that before this grief entered my life too though that part of my life seems like a distant memory...
Where to start. My babies. My sweet sweet Riley and Peyton. When you lose a child you think "What did I do to deserve this?", you look to others, you fall into yourself because well life seems like it's over. You think nothing will ever get better. The utter loss of all that was precious to you that you were CARRYING in your body is gone. I had nothing to "show for it" as they say. No ultrasound pictures. Nothing. To the world it was as if nothing had happened. To some it still is.
When I started this blog 10 months ago right after losing Peyton I was obsessed. I blogged every day and read many many blogs (as you can see from my blog roll to the right). Nowadays I don't write or read nearly as much. Not because I care less or losing my babies doesn't effect me. Simply because life changes.
I think that the hardest part of losing Riley was the fact that EVERYONE knew I was pregnant. Cute, naive me wanted the world to know. I posted it on Facebook and told everyone at church. Two days later my world crumbled. It was like a cruel joke. I still look back on that time and it makes me so sad. I relive that day in the ultrasound room sometimes. How cold and heartless the doctor was and the anguish that my husband and I were in. It breaks my heart every time. I relive the day I lost Peyton often too. I was alone because naive me though all was well that time. In the same room I found out Peyton had no heartbeat. That room scares me and I will never enter it alone again. Ever. People told me (and still do) that I am "young" and we can have more children - blah blah blah. Like any of that made it okay that I lost my children. Honestly to this day - almost a year and a half after losing Riley the worst part is SOCIETY. To be frank PEOPLE SUCK! I am constantly in awe of how people would rather IGNORE the fact that I AM A MOTHER. They would rather not think about the fact that my two children died a mere 6 months apart from each other. People often ask if they were twins because of this necklace that I wear and the fact that the losses were so close together:
I tell them no, that they were two separate pregnancies. This for some reason seems to make people feel worse for me. Two children is two children - whether they were twins or not or two separate pregnancies does not make the loss more or less difficult.
Just last week when returning from Florida I was wearing this necklace and a woman said it was beautiful. I told her that it was for my two children that had died and she just very sweetly said "How beautiful, God Bless them" and I thanked her and we went about our ways. Society should be sweeter, like this woman was to me. Sadly strangers tend to be sweeter about my loss then people who know me. Maybe because it effects people who know me more, who knows.
Even 1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days and 10 months and 4 days later I even dream about them. Sometimes I dream that I have living children. I never call them by name in my dreams. It's just this precious, perfect film in my mind of me playing with my kids. Their first steps, smiling in my arms, playing on the swings, moments I long for... I often wonder if someday I will be playing with my children and have a deja vu moment like it has happened before. Maybe I am dreaming of my future children. It may sound crazy but I often have moments 4 or 5 times a year where I remember EVERYTHING about what is happening - know it will happen before it does - like I have been there before - but I haven't. I have had those moments since I was a child. Who knows. Maybe I dream them before they occur and don't remember them until they happen in my life. You never know. I like to think these perfect films are God's way of telling me everything will work out in time.
Maybe my dreams are transitioning with my grief. Last night for the first time that I can remember since both losses I was telling someone about my losses in my dream. I was telling them about Riley and Peyton and explaining one of my pieces of jewelry to them. They were reassuring me that I would be a mother soon. I hope they are right. I used to take dreams with a grain of salt. Now, however, it seems the ones I remember are ones with my babies and I believe I remember them for a reason. We dream every night and I sure don't remember every dream. So these precious dreams are for me: a reminder to not lose hope and faith that I will have living children on Earth one day.
We are able to start to try again this month. With that comes a whole lot of fright. I am scared that I will miscarry again (even though what was causing the miscarriage has surgically been fixed - there's always a chance). I am afraid of people's reactions - do people really want to be happy for me when they know I could miscarry again? Will they even smile when I tell them? I worry about my families reaction. I currently am looking for a job and so financially we are not as well off as we would like - I don't want to be judged - I want people to accept that after all this loss I can not put off having a child - God will provide. Sometimes I miss the naive me because well - none of that was ever on my mind then - I was happy to tell people - thrilled to be pregnant. I thought getting pregnant was the hard part and I accomplished that so I was good to go... other times I am glad to not be naive. At least I know what to watch for, what to be prepared for... though it doesn't in any way mean it will be easier.
The bad stuff always happens at once it seems. The last year and a half have been very very very hard. 2/11/10 we lost Riley, we moved to a bigger apartment in May 2010 to make room for a future child and two days later I lost my job. On my birthday, July 22nd, we found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and on 8/19/10 we found out we had lost Peyton. They say bad things come in threes - I am going to group losing my job in there - or maybe my THREE surgeries (2 D&C's after my miscarriages and a surgery to correct my uterus). I would say bad things came in more than threes for me. It's been hard. I pray every day that things will start to look up for us.
Honestly I did not properly grieve Riley. I in no way "pretended it didn't happen" or "forgot about it" but I choose to try not to think about and I certainly did not express myself as I needed to. A blog back then would have been helpful. After the loss of Peyton 6 short months later the grief abounded and it had to explode somewhere so it did - onto this blog. Some people - who have no freaking idea what they are talking about - think I should not "think about them" as often as I do. As if that is truly a choice. If I had a five year old that died no one would ever tell me to FORGET that child or not think about them! But for some reason our stupid society cannot wrap it's precious little head around the fact that my children were HUMAN BEINGS. They had eyes, fingers, toes, and heart beats! They were indeed alive! In a world that applauds women for their right to choose and the millions that go off and choose to kill their children I am surrounded by a society of people who prefer to think children are not humans until they are born. People shouldn't be so cruel and so dumb with such a huge loss.
1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days later I still grieve my baby. Had Riley been born he/she (I was 7 weeks along so we have no idea is Riley was a boy or a girl) would have been about 10 months old. Riley's due date was 9/27/10 - someone from my church had their son on that exact day. So needless to say it is VERY hard for me to see her child. Such a reminder of what we lost. 10 months and 4 days later I still grieve my sweet Peyton too. I was less than 2 weeks away from my second trimester when we saw their was no longer a heartbeat. Peyton's due date was 3/16/11 - 3 days before my husband's birthday. Peyton would be about 3 1/2 months old now. So much loss. It has aged me. I feel far older then my nearly 30 years.
It will ALWAYS piss me off that on my medical records it says that I had 2 "spontaneous abortions" within 6 months of each other. It will always make me cringe to think that the word "abortion" is anywhere NEAR my name. I am dead set against abortion and had I not been so depressed the first time someone told me that was what was in my chart I may have slapped them!
I have passed both of my children's due dates with no living child in my arms. That, I imagine, would age anyone. It's so very very hard to watch women my age, or younger than me, who have three children already BEFORE they are 30 and I have none. So hard, and down right maddening to watch people get pregnant "by mistake" when I long to get pregnant! To know that there are people out there having abortions when there's so many people like me who wish they could have a living child. My body was killing my babies and now that has been fixed and I potentially should have no issues carrying a child but I will still be afraid. With every pregnancy because you know what? The naive me is gone. If I didn't FEEL like an adult before on 2/11/10 I certainly became one and I became years older on 8/19/10 after losing Peyton.
1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days later and 10 months and 4 days later would I say I am "better"? No. Will I ever be? No, because my children are in Heaven and they have a piece of my heart with each of them. I am glad that they have each other and I am glad that I KNOW without a doubt that I will see them again one day. THAT is when I will be better. I will tell my children about their siblings in Heaven. Riley and Peyton will not be forgotten. I will represent them on my skin every day and almost always wear a piece of jewelry to represent them too.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelations 21:4
Mommy and daddy love you Riley and Peyton. We think of you every day... We will always love you!
Life has been hectic - originally I was on vacation and didn't have the time to post the 30 days (so I VERY far behind) and since being back from vacation I haven't had the will to post. I found out we may have some financial issues. I have been rather down about that. Life is hard and sadly when I think it's getting better often it gets harder.... At any rate here is days 7-12
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
This is what my husband and I wrote to put on a banner for The Walk to Remember last October. I teared up when I read my husband's. He puts on a strong face but I know this has all been so hard for him too.
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
1) To start looking for a job because I really stinking need one.
2) To get pregnant - it will be our first month trying so it is a lot to hope for but I can't give up hope. I have faith I will get pregnant soon and financial issues or not God will work it all out. I refuse to put having a baby on the back burner - I'm turning 30 in a month and darn it I want 2-3 kids hopefully so we gotta get a move on!!
3) Spend quality time with my husband and my family because life is too short to not appreciate those closest to you.
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Making a sale on my Etsy shop the DAY i reopened it after vacation! Selling my handmade items makes me really happy :)
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
(I linked to the songs in case you are interested in hearing them)
Happy: Angels by The Tea Party (I have called Angels my happy song for years LOL no idea why I just think it's beautiful - I get to see them in concert ON my birthday for FREE!! yeaa)
Sad: Mad World by Gary Jules, Held by Natalie Grant (sad but also helps me remember to have faith), and I would die for that by Kellie Coffey (sad for what I have lost but hopeful because after struggling the singer now has a baby!)
Bored: Some will seek forgiveness, others escape by Underoathe (reminds me of when I started dating my husband we both love this song) and Again by Flyleaf (they are a fabulous Christian band - I saw them in concert a day or two after finding out we had lost Riley and this song had me in tears - I love it.)
Hyped: Raise your glass by Pink (because I just love the upbeat quality to the song)
Mad: Caution Dangerous Curves Ahead by Maylene and the Sons of Disaster (not really an angry song it's just cause it's loud and abrasive)
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
This is actually a picture taken in Florida just last week with Nate's family (many who he had never met) while they are family they are all my friends too.
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
I found it through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope when I was reading other peoples stories I noticed people put their blogs on their - I read a few and realized people had blogs to talk about their grief and I thought that would be good for me to do. So that is what I have been doing for about 10 months now.
So I needed to get my hair cut before vacation because it was getting rather long. So I scheduled it for after my sub job today and my hairstylist knows my history with miscarriages. She has lost a baby too. So you would think that would be a safe zone right? WRONG!
She always asks me if I am pregnant and today I replied "late next month is the first time it will be possible". We talked a bit about my crazy MIL (and trust me she IS crazy). Then my sister came up in conversation and she says to me "What if she gets pregnant before you?" and I said I would be really upset. To which she replied "well you're both fertile myrtles you know she is going to get pregnant before you - just get over it" (something like that anyways). I told here that they aren't even trying and she said "if it's God's will for her to get pregnant first she will and you'll be okay with it" and I said no I'll be mad but I'll have to deal with it if it happens.
I think at that point she realized I was upset. She said "now you got yourself all fired up" and I'm sitting there going YOU DID THIS not me!
Oh my gosh I could just SCREAM!
How awful! The worst part is it isn't the first time that she said that to me! OBVIOUSLY this is not a conversation I want to have so shut up already!
Sadly I think that it would be easier for people to be happy for my sister. Even though their financial situation isn't the greatest I feel like no one will even worry about that with them. She doesn't have a history of loss so it will be easier to not be filled with worry over her pregnancy. The whole freaking church wants my sister to get pregnant and honestly being around people saying that makes me sick! They all know what I have been through and their rudeness and ignorance is really starting to piss me off!
It may sound bad but I am ready for a vacation from it all. For a few weeks I won't have to be around that. I'll go off to Florida with Nate and pretend those dumb freaking comments don't exist for awhile. Pretend that the world isn't full of idiots who can't wait to say things until I'm out of earshot. It would be one thing if they didn't know my history - but they do - and it's really offensive. It makes me sad and I'm so so so sick of being sad. It seems like whenever I am feeling okay with where I am and happy someone has to say something to take a big crap all over it. Well thanks a lot! The last thing I need right now is stupidity so please take it elsewhere!
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
I will love you forever Riley & Peyton! You mean the world to me and no one can take that away from me. Mommy and Daddy miss you very much!
I can't even begin to tell you how little people "get" what it's like to be a BLM. I'm sure all you BLMs out there totally understand what I mean. The other day though REALLY put me over my limit for ignorance.
I have mentioned in past posts:
How I hated when I friend of mine commented that she also couldn't stand seeing pregnant woman. I explained to her that it being hard for her to get pregnant is not the same as being reminded that your two children are dead! She didn't seem phased and seemed to think there was no difference! SO ANNOYING!
**please note I DO realize that being infertile IS awful! I just don't like the death of my children being compared to it!**
How people think it shouldn't be a big deal because I know my babies are in Heaven. Nice to know but while it may bring me peace to know I will see them one day it sure doesn't freaking make me HAPPY!
How "everything happens for a reason" is getting real old REAL fast! While I do believe that there was a purpose to my loss. It is NOT comforting to here that saying over and over again. I would rather someone say they are "thinking about me" or "praying for me" or simply offer a hug. I'm so over "everything happens for a reason"
When I was getting balloons to release on Riley's due date the woman selling the balloons proclaimed she had a bunch of miscarriages to and it was no big deal. That I would be fine. I've had just about enough of the people that tell me to "let it go" or "stop reliving it". If my children had been 10 when they passed away it would have been different but I'm just supposed to forget about them because you never met them? SORRY NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! If MY loss makes YOU uncomfortable then keep on walking. No need to talk to me. I have no need for self righteous advice! Go talk to someone who cares!
Okay so those are some PAST mentions of pet peeves. Trust me there are many many more I am sure I could think of but that is enough for now. The most recent one is all the people commenting to my sister (who JUST got married April 23rd) that she needs to have kids.
I can't even count the amount of times children were brought up at their wedding! It was so hard to stand up there as Matron of Honor and keep hearing comments about them having kids. It was just so hard. THEN at church yesterday I met my cousins little newborn and after I held him my sister did and a variety of people made comments. Such as "He looks good in your arms" or "When are you going to have a little one" or "I tried to talk her into having a honeymoon baby". ALL of these people KNOW that I have lost both my children. Why can't they just SHUT UP and not say this crap around me?!? Can the almost 30 year old please get pregnant first! Is that too much to ask? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sorry for the rant but WOW that was REALLY upsetting!
Today was an odd day. I didn't really care to accomplish much and for no reason whatsoever I started crying. Emotional nutcase - thus the life of a grieving BLM. The pain never fully goes away. But I got a lovely, lovely email from a fellow BLM. It truly touched my heart and made my day. Here is the email:
Jess,
Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and leaving such a sweet comment. I want you to know that I truly appreciate your friendship. Thank you for being so kind and supportive. You are a true blessing. I pray for you every single day and can't wait to share in your happiness when you find out that your rainbow baby is on the way. I am so sorry that you have had to wait so long for that blessing. I know it is hard when others are given the blessing that you would give anything to have and you are still waiting. I am so sorry! I know that your turn is comming very soon though. You WILL have that healthy baby in your arms! You will be able to tell them all about Riley and Peyton and how much you love ALL of them. You are such a wonderful mom. Not only to Riley and Peyton, but also to this little rainbow you are waiting for. You have already done so much for this precious baby and it hasn't even been concieved yet. You can't get a better mom than that! If I ever get to meet your little rainbow I am going to tell him or her just how much their mommy loved them long before she ever got the chance to meet them. You are a very special person and have helped so many of us through our grief. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your precious babies with us. God bless you my friend!
Love,
Mary (Micah's mommy) http://blessednotcrazy.blogspot.com/
Mary is the reason my sweet babies have their names! I read about how she couldn't handle thinking of her little one up in Heaven without a name and I thought I need to name my babies too! So within a couple days of reading her blog we gave our sweet babies names. I will forever be grateful to her for that and for her friendship through this sad journey. I am so thrilled that she is having a healthy pregnancy with her rainbow baby. Thank you Mary! you mean so very much to me!
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Nouwen, Henri
"Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future.
Faith is having the courage to dance to it today."
- Dr. Peter Kuzmic, theologian, Slovenian-born, citizen of Croatia
So today I was out at some craft stores.... pretty much the only places I shop.... and I see a pregnant woman. I swear that this woman was in every random aisle I went in!
While I know that she of course was not REALLY following me it was so aggravating. I'm sure all you BLMs out there have been there before you see a pregnant woman and your heart just stops for a minute. Your chest seizes up. You feel a bit sick. All of this within a matter of seconds and then you do the best you can to forget it and go on about your business. That's the PREGNANCY EFFECT.
All of that 'forgeting" is well and good until you continue to run into the woman in every aisle or even worse (or at least AS bad) you run into MORE pregnant woman and the effect continues and multiplies and before you know it you (or at least me anyway) feel like everyone in the whole freaking world is pregnant! Everyone but you... it's weird to think how little I even noticed pregnant women back in my naive years and now they seem to be everywhere. My old totally crazy college professor would have called this synchronicity. The best way I explain her definition of that is that you are thinking of that so you see it, or something along those lines. Another site calls it "the cosmos winking at you". Well if that's the case the cosmos can take their winks elsewhere thank you very much!
I saw a variety of pregnant women or women with children that were very young (like Riley would be now). It's so frustrating. If only we could just scream and people wouldn't think we were crazy ;)
Strange that these women have no idea that there are some people that see them and cringe. Some that wish they were them. Some that will never have a carefree pregnancy. It's all so overwhelming. Oddly enough I think even when I am pregnant it may still be a shock to see pregnant women. Weird as that may seem. This fright, this nightmare of worry isn't going to magically disappear when I'm pregnant. Honestly I'm afraid to not be scared. When I stopped being afraid with Peyton, I lost Peyton.
Life is strange....
"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."
~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"
I am a mother of three angels Riley (2/11/10) Peyton (8/19/10) Cameron (10/14/11) who are waiting for me in Heaven. I am also a mother to Logan - born 4/29/12 - my rainbow baby (Cameron's twin) and Lucas (7/13/14) my second rainbow baby. I am a SAHM, sell Younique, and own a small business doing paint nights :)
