Friday, August 19, 2011

A Year Ago Today

Last year this day was not so hopeful. It was filled with sadness. A multitude of tears and my grief was multiplied as I heard the words "there is no heartbeat" for the second time in a very very short 6 months.

I had been to the doctor's office on the 16th and had seen a quick ultrasound to ease my worry and there was the beautiful heartbeat. I was right around 10 weeks that day. A mere three days later... my Peyton had gone to Heaven. I'll never know what day it was (at least not while on this Earth) but I know it was in the short span of three days. I had stopped worrying after seeing that heartbeat on the 16th. I had no consistent spotting as I did with Riley. Nothing to make me think that anything was wrong. I even went to get my blood work done. MANY many tubes of blood - UGH I hate doing that. I have been poked with needles so much in the last year and a half I should be used to it but I'm NOT I still hate it!! Those three days I was blissfully happy to be pregnant. Because I had no idea what was to come...

I went to the doctor's appointment on the 19th alone. Because...well it was a simple checkup I had just had a sonogram and everything was fine. Well the check up went great - he said everything looked perfect. Then he brought out the fetal doppler. He searched around for 10 minutes. No heartbeat. He said this was unusual but not necessarily alarming. I think he knew it was alarming and he just didn't want to upset me.

They scheduled me to come back in 30 minutes and get an ultrasound. I talked to the nurse about getting a print out from the sonogram this time so I could show my husband. I even scheduled my 16 week appointment. Then I went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant nearby (that I have not set foot in since that day). I went back and the regular ultrasound showed no heartbeat - which should have tipped me off because 3 days beforehand it showed a heartbeat. But I was STILL calm and naive, I went to the bathroom and came back for a transvaginal ultrasound. This time I knew. I had seen a heartbeat enough times at that point to know there wasn't one. So before she went to get the doctor I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" and she said "no, I'm going to go get the doctor."

I sat there alone bawling my eyes out. Sobbing uncontrollably thinking that probably everyone in the office could hear me. But I didn't care. My world was being crushed again. My baby had died again. It seemed inhumane that I was going through this 6 months after losing Riley. I felt like the world was against me and I was PISSED that I was alone. I was SO angry that I had stopped worrying and been dumb enough to come to the doctor alone.

The doctor came in and said he was sorry but that he knew someone who had SIX miscarriages and then had 4 children. This did NOT make me feel better! Looking at someone who is devastated to have TWO miscarriages and putting the possibility of SIX out there is not helpful at all! I know he meant well but it did not help! I left that day totally beaten down. I felt like the weight of the world was crushing my chest and it was hard to breathe. I texted my husband and told him to call me and when he did I told him the tragic news. Then I called my mom, my dad, my sister, my aunt, and my cousin.

In tears I drove to my cousin's house I briefly cried before her son came in the room and then I just hugged him. Later her daughter woke up and I played with them both a bit. Then I went home. The rest is a blur of tears. It was a BAD BAD day.

I am hoping that today is a vast improvement. I need good news today, positive thoughts, and joy. Tomorrow I am in a craft show. Last year it was a good distraction - this year I hope it is a positive, fun-filled day rather than just a distraction. I have faith and I know that God has big plans for me!

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy will always love you and we will never ever forget you.


  1. So sorry mama such a hard day. Thinking of you often and praying for you!! Much love!

  2. I am so sorry Jess, I am praying for you today!

    Thanks for writing about everything that happened I know that was hard for you, but good for you to do as well!

    Take care

  3. I'm so sorry that Peyton is gone, that this hard day brought sad memories to you along with the other 365 days you have thought of Peyton's passing. I did remember & sent you a card for Peyton - it may not have had time to get there. You have been on my mind and I pray for you often. xoxo

  4. <3 Peyton <3 Happy one year angelversary sweet little one.

    Thought you so often yesterday Jess. I hope the day was as gentle on you as it possibly can be. Sending you my love!

  5. Much love to you and remembering Peyton


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