The things I wish people NEVER EVER SAID!

**READ ENTIRE ENTRY before you get all high and mighty**

1 - First thing no one should ever say..... ANYTHING to degrade someone's appearance EVER
**you're too skinny, fat, dorky looking, gawky, awkward.... etc. etc. RUDEEEEE**

First off let's get something straight! EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL! You are ALL freaking BEAUTIFUL! I don't care if you are 100 lbs. or 600 lbs., I don't care if you have acne, or think you are freakishly tall. Or that your nose is too big. You know what. YOU are the way YOU are meant to be in this moment! God made us who we are. Can we alter that, sure we can. But we are all
B E A U T I F U L!

 1) Societies views of BEAUTY are beyond psychotic. It is sickening and sad how quickly children think they are too fat or feel bad about themselves. Sickening. Adults are teaching them these socially constructed ideas....WE NEED TO STOP THIS. Teach our children to LOVE EVERYONE to see beauty in all people. STOP the judgement.

2) We are adults - and we are the worst with this. People who are hearing these degrading words likely have called themselves that or thought that EVERY DAY! People know what they look like, know what people think. I wish we could all see how beautiful we were to those who love us. I wish we all knew that. I hope for even ONE moment that beauty is shown to each and every one of you through something, someone. You deserve it. 

3) Life is beautiful. Life is good. Life is SO MUCH MORE than our looks. The sooner we can see this - the sooner there are more beautiful days to share with others....

DO NOT LET THE WORLD TELL YOU THAT YOU AREN'T BEAUTIFUL!

Easier said than done - heck yes!

2 - "You are SO lucky to have it EASY and get to be a Stay at home mom..." Add to that "Oh you JUST have X amount of kids...."

Mothers deal with a LOT - WAY too much to be honest. As a stay at home mom we get the glory of it all (sarcasm intended)!  We deal with far more than most AND on top of that we have morons thinking we are living the high life not having to work. 

1) Many moms would like to work - would like to get out a bit. Childcare is expensive. Logically many stay home because why on Earth would they work just to pay someone else to raise their children.... and then there would be judgement for THAT.

2) It is not EASY by any means being a stay at home mom - it is WORK lots and lots of WORK. To the point where honestly I find it hard to relax...when most people leave the mess in their office they can forget it till the next workday....not me because I LIVE WHERE I WORK! So I am constantly reminded of the failure to clean the counter, do the laundry, do those dishes in the sink... so on and so forth. NOT FUN PEOPLE - NOT FUN!

3) Stop saying JUST in regards to kids. EVERYONE has different things to deal with as a parent. We all have different things to deal with in regards to our children. So by saying JUST it implies that we are lazy our somehow doing something wrong by not having/wanting more children. It is not your right to assume that you know how many kids anyone should have NOR should you assume they CAN have more children - you may have hit a VERY tough nail there with that simple saying and seriously put a dark cloud over someone's day. THINK.

4) Stay at home moms have the most under-appreciated, overly glorified job known to the world. Here anyone who is NOT a SAHM thinks it's the bee's knees AND we get paid NOTHING. We have the hardest job that literally NEVER ends. We are at our job 24/7 - no sick days, no vacations, no personal days. On call ALWAYS.

5) If we are seen in public it is somehow shocking our child(ren) are not tied to us.... and then if daddy is with them he is praised for being so great to BABYSIT..... um he's not babysitting - they are HIS KIDS - and also - my so easy job I do EVERY day is someone now massively noteworthy for him? Crazy.... I would say so (no qualms on my hubby here - this is not his doing and I DO appreciate those moments of grocery shopping to not have to take an unwilling child - but I think you get my point)

6) As a stay at home mom it can be VERY hard to feel like you lost that part of you that felt useful bringing money into the household. To lose that part of your identity. To be seen as someone taking care of the house, the kids, the husband. It can begin to feel almost demeaning. It's hard

I digress....I could go on and on

(in the same respect lets not judge working moms - we all do what we need to do. Just don't judge in general - I just feel being a SAHM is too glorified...when in reality it is NOT easy!)

3) "Why are you so emotional, sad, just wake up and BE HAPPY"

Mental illness is a huge epidemic. People view suicide as weakness. It is often the result of a mental illness. The sad end to a person who could not handle what their brain and body were put through. It was not selfishness. It was not the easy way out. It was not any of the awful things people say and think. 

1) There are SO many mental illnesses. The most commonly heard I imagine is Depression. Been there. Terrified DAILY (literally) that I will become depressed again. There was no cause of my depression. It literally seemed like I woke up one day and I was sad. UNbarably sad. I sought help. Went through some hellish, awful times, and improved. But I still get sad. For apparently no reason. In those moments I fear that sadness won't send. It''s terrifying. It's a constant struggle. But I am so happy to be who I am. To not be labeled "Depressed" anymore. But that time taught me more than anything DON'T JUDGE mental illness. You do not have ANY idea what that person is dealing with!

2) Medication is NECESSARY for most of these illnesses! It is not a weakness, it is not laziness, it is not drug seeking behavior. I was medicated when I was depressed. It helped. I am alive today because of the love of my family and because that medication helped me. Again STOP the judgement just STOP!

3) Mental illness is not something that you can just wake up and ignore. It's not a BAD MOOD. It's a disease. A switch that isn't connected right in your brain. Stop treating people that have these illnesses like they are having an off day like they lost their job... it's not the case. It's not that simple.

#4 - At least you ONLY had a miscarriage.... at least you weren't far along... everything happens for a reason - ANY statement WHATSOEVER about losing a child.....period.

1) You should never say ANY statement about the loss of a child. No matter when that loss happened. Whether you have endured a loss of some sort too - it doesn't matter. Say I am sorry for your loss. Give a hug. Lend and ear. NEVER compare. 

2) I DO believe that I will meet my 3 babies in Heaven one day. I feel them with me often. My losses were all 14 weeks or earlier in pregnancy. But they were devastating. As any loss is. Don't compare such a tragedy. Ever.

3) Don't compare infertility with losing a child. Infertility is it's own battle, I know many who have dealt with it. BUT it is not the same as knowing you were pregnant, dreaming of a baby in your arms, and losing that. It is just not. It is illogical.

4) You never know a battle someone may be fighting.... there is REALLY good chance that you know MANY people who have lost a child. Our society doesn't smile upon sharing our losses. I have always been open with my situation but many don't wish to be that way. SO don't think you know everyone's story.... don't comment on things that could seriously hurt a person. 

You know there are FAR more things I wish people NEVER said. Maybe I will write more someday. Tonight I was deeply deeply hurt because of a situation that a dear friend went through. Something she never should have had to hear. Something I wish I could take out of her brain. I am sending her love and hugs and kindness and many prayers. She is strong and I will always be here! ALWAYS!

I have dealt with ALL of these issues.

1) I am fat by societies standards. I would like to weigh less. I have been told by many I am fat.
2) I am a stay at home mom and I DO love having that ability - please don't judge my honesty - I love my children and am blessed to raise them at home. But it is not a piece of cake.
3) I have been through years of depression and survived.
4) I have lost 3 children to miscarriage.

 I was not always as strong a person as I am now. I could still very easily be dragged down a hole from any of these situations. Any of them. At any moment. I hope that I could bring myself out far quicker nowadays. I am beautiful. I am obese by societies standards. I am "JUST" a stay at home mom during the day - but also have a very busy new business. I have struggled with depression and lived to tell the tale (thank you Lord). I have lost three babies to miscarriages and have 2 on Earth with me. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. An aunt. A Granddaughter. A singer. A sensitive person. I am an artist. A friend.
I am many many things. And so are you. 

BE LOVING. BE KIND. KNOW THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

<3 Much love to you all

Lessons this "Mommy of a toddler" has learned so far....

(LONG TIME NO POST! Yikes!!! Haha! I have been a busy bee with my Thirty-One business....more about that another time....)

I have a couple friends (and my sister!) that will have babies within the next 4 months or so! Baby central around here. And then there's crazy lunatics like me starting to wrap their heads around having another one sometime! Haha! I looked back through my posts from when Logan was first born till he was about three months - oh how I dread that the next time around with a toddler to take care of too! YIKES!

I have learned a lot through raising Mr. Logan the past 16 months or so. Basically the most important thing that I think I can say is ALL CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT! I have heard many mamas say before that we should just take the books that they make telling you the milestones and what your child should be doing at this month, week, day, etc. and just throw them out! I agree IF those books are making you overly worried. If you can read those milestones and understand that it IS okay if your child is not the same as what the book says then ok fine - but those books should in no way be your Bible for child rearing and what not!

SO with that said.... differences in children.... Logan got his first tooth at 3 months!!! Very early! He's been growing those suckers non stop ever since. I have a friend who's baby barely had one tooth when she turned ONE! They are ALL DIFFERENT!

Logan rolled over once each way then NO ROLLING AT ALL until 8 months old or so and then he was literally rolling across the room! He didn't start crawling until after he was one and didn't start walking till her was about 15 1/2 months and he is still a little bit of a drunk walker LOL! BUT this mama KNOWS that her boy is just fine!! He hasn't said a first understandable word yet but he babbles a ton.... and again that is OKAY!

Anyways my main point here is sometimes you just need to IGNORE what all those other kids out there can do and realize that if something were really wrong YOU would probably instinctively realize it before some random other parent! Same goes for in laws and your parents....just because THEY raised you or your significant other does NOT mean that they know whats best for your child!

So to any mama out there reading this.... if there are any ;) KEEP YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH! YOU ARE DOING AN AWESOME JOB! We all raise our children the way we see fit and you know what? THAT is great! We need to have unique children not children all raised the exact same way to be the exact same people. God made us unique! The best thing everyone can do is embrace their own individuality AND their children's individuality :) If we were all the same the world would be a boring place!

With that said LOVE UP those moments with your kiddos and do your best to not feel guilty for taking time for yourself and let the freaking house get messy for goodness sake - because really if it's not hurting anyone WHO CARES :) 

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron,

We love you sweet babies! Mama and Daddy think of you EVERY day! Watch over your brother and hug your Nana and Aunt Alice <3

What it's like to be me....

First off I want to start this by saying I am 12 weeks and 2 days along with my twins today and as far as I know all is going well. I have finished all 4 seasons of Felicity and need a new series to watch (suggestions appreciated)! On Friday I go to my specialist for a consult and an ultrasound where I can finally gain some actual peace of mind that all is well officially. Please realize this post is NOT me being depressed it is imply explaining what is like to be a BLM (or at least what it is like for ME as a BLM).

Don't judge me for discussing my grief. If you have never gone through the loss of a child you have no right to tell me that blogging about it is unhealthy. This helps me people judging me does not. If you DON'T plan to judge then feel free to read on, if you are judgmental then please stop reading this and my blog in general.....

For those stumbling upon this blog who may not know my story here is a shortened version....
My first pregnancy was care free until it ended abruptly at 7 weeks (2/11/10) after telling everyone we knew but before we ever saw a doctor. The first sonogram I ever got showed my dead baby. Riley was gone. That was the day my life changed. Forever. Six months later 10 weeks into my second pregnancy (8/19/11) I lost my Peyton. This was after a couple positive ultrasounds and a mere 3 days after seeing the heartbeat for the 3rd time. Almost a year after losing Riley I had surgery to remove a septum in my uterus that was the most likely cause for both my losses as my case was very severe. This is a condition 1 in 1,000-2,000 women are born with but most often do not find out until they have had miscarriages.

Being a BLM is not easy and becoming pregnant doesn't make it easier. I am, of course, THRILLED to be pregnant with twins but it is a scary, scary thing for me. The naivety most women have during pregnancy is now long gone. My first rainbow baby (a baby born after the loss of a child) did not survive and I worry about my twin rainbows.

For this entire pregnancy when I go to the bathroom (sorry for the TMI) I check for spotting. I worry every time that I will be spotting.

I worry about eating - I make sure I don't eat anything that is possibly unsafe for my babies. Many woman probably don't even worry about this but there are MANY things you are told to be careful of... to name just a few: creamy dressings (caesar, ranch, honey mustard,etc.) from restaurants, deli meat, unpasturized soft cheeses such as feta and bleu cheese, unpasturized apple cider, fish/seafood that is high in mercury... and like I said that is just a few items.

I worry that my babies are okay. It has been 5 weeks since my last ultrasound and while my prenatal visit went well it also went well with Peyton but Peyton was gone. That terrifies me. My doctor doesn't use a fetal doppler in the office because it is two hard to tell if you are hearing both heartbeats so without an ultrasound I don't have any definite proof that all is well.

I have normal worries too. I worry about finances and having everything we will need to take care of our babies. I worry about questions people will ask me when it is obvious I am pregnant (and not just plump).

You never realize how daunting some simple questions can break a BLMs heart. I NEVER would have thought that "Do you have any other children?" or "Is this your first?" could be so painful. Now I know different.

Until Friday I have my cat to make me feel all is well. She lays with me and for the past 3 years she ONLY has laid with me when I was pregnant. So she reassures me, which I greatly appreciate :)

So for those who read through this... thank you... and for those that are not BLMs remember to not judge those who have been through situations that you do not understand. And remember when you are encountered by someone who may not be all that friendly that you never know what that person is going through. Kindness, empathy, and a SIMPLE "I'm sorry" can go a long way in all situations.

This song is "Again" by Flyleaf - I saw them in concert for the 3rd time a couple days after losing Riley... this song and the lyrics below it - brought me to tears...



They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again



Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. I miss you so much right now. Hug Nana for me.

Missing my Riley....

I'm sure I have mentioned this before...probably over a year ago. But my friend had her baby on Riley's due date. I just saw her post on Facebook today about his one year birthday party.

It broke my heart....

I can't believe that Riley would have been a year old. I can't even begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart to see my friend's baby. He is a constant reminder of what could have been. And THAT is not easy to say the least!

I am obviously BEYOND thrilled that my rainbows are on the way but that doesn't take away the sadness in my heart for the angels I have lost. Pieces of my heart will always be missing and while having twins is AMAZING two births won't make up for the children I lost.

Today is a hard day but luckily also a busy one.

My appt. with the nurse at my OB office was yesterday. It was just a bunch of boring questions but she did tell me that the doctor will most likely order an ultrasound on Thursday when I go in for my first visit with him. Trust me I will be BEGGING him for that! It has been 3 weeks AND this is the longest I ever made it before with a pregnancy so I am extra anxious.

I'll make sure to let you all know how Thursday's appt. goes.
Here is the pic I promised of my cute, cuddly cat who loves to be near the babies!! <3

Excuse my unattractiveness - being pregnant and tired isn't pretty (on me anyways LOL)

Don't you love how her butt is practically falling off the the couch just to she can lay near the babies LOL - so super cute!! <3


Riley & Peyton I miss you every day. As your father said last year. You are more real than the air we breathe. We love you <3

A Year Ago Today

Last year this day was not so hopeful. It was filled with sadness. A multitude of tears and my grief was multiplied as I heard the words "there is no heartbeat" for the second time in a very very short 6 months.

I had been to the doctor's office on the 16th and had seen a quick ultrasound to ease my worry and there was the beautiful heartbeat. I was right around 10 weeks that day. A mere three days later... my Peyton had gone to Heaven. I'll never know what day it was (at least not while on this Earth) but I know it was in the short span of three days. I had stopped worrying after seeing that heartbeat on the 16th. I had no consistent spotting as I did with Riley. Nothing to make me think that anything was wrong. I even went to get my blood work done. MANY many tubes of blood - UGH I hate doing that. I have been poked with needles so much in the last year and a half I should be used to it but I'm NOT I still hate it!! Those three days I was blissfully happy to be pregnant. Because I had no idea what was to come...

I went to the doctor's appointment on the 19th alone. Because...well it was a simple checkup I had just had a sonogram and everything was fine. Well the check up went great - he said everything looked perfect. Then he brought out the fetal doppler. He searched around for 10 minutes. No heartbeat. He said this was unusual but not necessarily alarming. I think he knew it was alarming and he just didn't want to upset me.

They scheduled me to come back in 30 minutes and get an ultrasound. I talked to the nurse about getting a print out from the sonogram this time so I could show my husband. I even scheduled my 16 week appointment. Then I went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant nearby (that I have not set foot in since that day). I went back and the regular ultrasound showed no heartbeat - which should have tipped me off because 3 days beforehand it showed a heartbeat. But I was STILL calm and naive, I went to the bathroom and came back for a transvaginal ultrasound. This time I knew. I had seen a heartbeat enough times at that point to know there wasn't one. So before she went to get the doctor I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" and she said "no, I'm going to go get the doctor."

I sat there alone bawling my eyes out. Sobbing uncontrollably thinking that probably everyone in the office could hear me. But I didn't care. My world was being crushed again. My baby had died again. It seemed inhumane that I was going through this 6 months after losing Riley. I felt like the world was against me and I was PISSED that I was alone. I was SO angry that I had stopped worrying and been dumb enough to come to the doctor alone.

The doctor came in and said he was sorry but that he knew someone who had SIX miscarriages and then had 4 children. This did NOT make me feel better! Looking at someone who is devastated to have TWO miscarriages and putting the possibility of SIX out there is not helpful at all! I know he meant well but it did not help! I left that day totally beaten down. I felt like the weight of the world was crushing my chest and it was hard to breathe. I texted my husband and told him to call me and when he did I told him the tragic news. Then I called my mom, my dad, my sister, my aunt, and my cousin.

In tears I drove to my cousin's house I briefly cried before her son came in the room and then I just hugged him. Later her daughter woke up and I played with them both a bit. Then I went home. The rest is a blur of tears. It was a BAD BAD day.

I am hoping that today is a vast improvement. I need good news today, positive thoughts, and joy. Tomorrow I am in a craft show. Last year it was a good distraction - this year I hope it is a positive, fun-filled day rather than just a distraction. I have faith and I know that God has big plans for me!



Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy will always love you and we will never ever forget you.

A lovely friend

Today was an odd day. I didn't really care to accomplish much and for no reason whatsoever I started crying. Emotional nutcase - thus the life of a grieving BLM. The pain never fully goes away. But I got a lovely, lovely email from a fellow BLM. It truly touched my heart and made my day. Here is the email:


Jess,
 Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and leaving such a sweet comment. I want you to know that I truly appreciate your friendship. Thank you for being so kind and supportive. You are a true blessing. I pray for you every single day and can't wait to share in your happiness when you find out that your rainbow baby is on the way. I am so sorry that you have had to wait so long for that blessing. I know it is hard when others are given the blessing that you would give anything to have and you are still waiting. I am so sorry! I know that your turn is comming very soon though. You WILL have that healthy baby in your arms! You will be able to tell them all about Riley and Peyton and how much you love ALL of them. You are such a wonderful mom. Not only to Riley and Peyton, but also to this little rainbow you are waiting for. You have already done so much for this precious baby and it hasn't even been concieved yet. You can't get a better mom than that! If I ever get to meet your little rainbow I am going to tell him or her just how much their mommy loved them long before she ever got the chance to meet them. You are a very special person and have helped so many of us through our grief. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your precious babies with us. God bless you my friend!
Love,
Mary (Micah's mommy)
http://blessednotcrazy.blogspot.com/

Mary is the reason my sweet babies have their names! I read about how she couldn't handle thinking of her little one up in Heaven without a name and I thought I need to name my babies too! So within a couple days of reading her blog we gave our sweet babies names. I will forever be grateful to her for that and for her friendship through this sad journey. I am so thrilled that she is having a healthy pregnancy with her rainbow baby. 

Thank you Mary! you mean so very much to me!

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Nouwen, Henri

"Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future.
Faith is having the courage to dance to it today."
- Dr. Peter Kuzmic, theologian, Slovenian-born, citizen of Croatia

 

The ignorance of people & Riley's angelversary

First of all I would like to say that I miss my babies dearly and I always will. No matter I lost how many ignorant people decide to impart their judgement and arrogant nonsense opinions on me I will ALWAYS remember them!

A year ago today I found out I had lost my sweet baby Riley. My life changed forever that day and I lost the naive carefree girl I once was. Such a loss adds years to your life and heaviness to your heart. Really no one can fully understand that unless they have also lost a child. I realized first hand today that even some BLMs are ignorant too.

I (as many BLMs do) started an "event" on Facebook that just asked people to remember Riley for one minute today or to light a candle if they could. I can't leave the house given I am recovering from my surgery so I thought it would be nice to have others remember Riley since I can't leave the house and do a balloon release like I would have liked to.

So I see that a "friend" and BLM that I worked with at one point and just had a baby chose to "not attend" befor getting mad about it I wrote her and said:

"Just wanted to say congratulations on your baby!
I saw you choose to NOT attend my event for my baby? All I want people to do is light a candle or even think about my child for a second on 2/11 so I don't really understand the not attending? May I ask why you did that?"

THIS was her response (that I got to read while in physical pain from surgery & overly emotional given lack of sleep and the fact that I lost Riley a year ago today):

"I don't want to be rude or anything. I know what is like to have two miscarriages, but in my opinion you need to get past it. I know you want to remember them, but don't understand why you constantly remind yourself of what happened. I guess I just cope differently. I felt better just forgetting what happened even before I was able to successfully conceive. I grieved for a few days and it was over. I felt better mentally and emotionally just putting it behind me. There is nothing I could do to change it so why keep thinking about it. It would only make me more sad.

I am also not very religious, so the nature of your event makes me uncomfortable.

I hope I didn't offend you, but I gave you my honest opinion. Please understand where I am coming from and its nothing against you.

I hope you are recovering well from your surgery, I just saw your post about that."

SOOOOO DELETE DELETE DELETE
after responding with this:

"I figured you should understand because you had lost a child but I guess as you explained I was wrong. The was an exceptionally rude and nasty thing to say to me especially after I went through this surgery and a year after I lost my baby. Yes, you did offend me. A lot. This event has nothing to do with religion other than the fact that I believe my children are in Heaven. So I suppose it would be easy to forget my children if I thought they did not exist. If you believe they don't exist then I'm sure it was easier to get over. That is not the case for me and it makes me sad if that is the case for you.
I will recover just fine. Thank you. Good luck with your future."

Trust me when I say that is NOT what I wanted to say at first. But honestly why stoop to the level of being nasty? It wasn't worth it. Never is. I find it hilarious the vibe I got from the message where it seems like she thinks it makes her a better mom to have gotten over her losses. Absolutely insane. I don't "remind myself" of my babies because they were never forgotten. If they can't live on Earth they can at least live through my words and thoughts. And there is NOTHING bad or unhealthy about that!


Nonetheless I just had to get that out but I am in a lot of pain now so I must be off. Recovery is anything but fun especially on such a hard day. My heart is heavy.

I miss you Riley, and I always will...

I cry

I was reading something just now and it made me tear up. This happens. Not as often as it used to really but boy does it happen. I was just sitting here thinking about that. Thinking about how I have always been an emotional person, always one to cry at weddings, funerals, sappy movies. It doesn't take much. I usually know from reading about a movie if it will make me cry, I could cry at a wedding or funeral even if I don't know the person all that well and I know that I will cry in front of our whole church when my little sister gets married in April.

This is me.... this is who I am. But losing my children just brought this part of me even closer to the surface. My skin is not as thick as it once was, I'm far more transparent. I don't say this as an insult to myself or a fault really - it's just the truth, it's just the way it is. This is my life now. Take me or leave me. I'm not going to change for someone, I'm not going to stop talking about my children, I am who I am. You would never expect parents of a living child not to talk about their children. Nor would you expect someone who lost a small child, teenager, or adult child to stop talking about their child. Well my children live in my heart and to me they were as much my children as they would have been had they lived on this Earth for 40 years! I was a part of them and they will always be a part of me.

The hardest part for me about losing Riley and Peyton is thinking that they never got to hear me say I loved them. They never got to see me. They never got to feel my touch. They never got to call me mom.... But I hope that up in Heaven they are filled with God's love and that they know that their mommy and daddy love them so much!

Ever since I was a child I remember movies or explanation from people in books, TV, or real life where people say that they never knew such love until they had a child. Well I have never known such love and my children never got to be born on this Earth. They were born into Heaven and while I am glad they are pain free and full of joy waiting to meet me one day, I still wish they were here. I still wish I could hold them in my arms, smell their sweet smell, and rock them to sleep. I wish I could see their first step, first word, first smile. And it makes me sad beyond any sadness I have ever felt that I have forever missed out on that. That time will never come.

One day (and it will seem like no time has passed for my sweet babies) I will meet them in Heaven and at that time all this pain will be gone and the fact that I missed out on those moments with them will be forgotten. There will just be happiness, joy, and love. I long for that time with them but I also hope that I will raise their siblings one day soon on this Earth. All I can do is pray that day will come.

For now I cry... not only because they died but because I am here without them. I cry because pieces of me are missing and always will be.... because my life will never be the same.... because I'm far more tender and fragile than I used to be.... because losing Riley & Peyton has taught me how fragile life is....I cry because they live through me and I'm so sad that I couldn't give them more than that..... I cry because they are so precious to me and I want to tell them that every day through my words and actions.... this blog is my way to do that though.... I cry because this is the way I show them I love them, instead of holding them in my arms, instead of kisses and hugs.... I cry more for my babies than for anything I have ever cried over in my entire life.... I cry because I love them and sometimes it's so unbearably sad that crying is all I have. I cry because Riley and Peyton are my babies and I will always love and miss them.

Mommy and daddy love you so so much my sweet babies. Take care of each other and hold each other tight. I hope you are up in Heaven spending time with all your new friends. I'm sure you have met Micah, Valentina, Stevie, Bailey, Wyatt, Brody, Logan, Benjamin, Genesis, Sawyer, Jacob, Blaine, Julia, Evan, Wyatt, Olivia, Charlotte, Noah, Ailis, Harper, Madelyn, Bryston, Colton, Sami, Kenny, Drew, Juanito, Kael, Eli, Laken, Jaden, Leila, Lillian, Audry, Avery, Emmett, Everett, Mikayla, Jack, Juju, Reid, Liam,Claire, Jenna,  and so many many other sweet babies. I have new friends too - their mommies :) I have met so many other mommies too with sweet baby angels like you but I am too tired to name them all but I am sure you know each and every one of them! I hope you know how much I love you my angels. From now through all eternity you will be my babies and I will always love you...Goodnight.

2010 recap

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

Got pregnant twice and said goodbye to both my babies :*(

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make 

more for next year? 

No I didn't lose weight until recently and I plan to do my best to

lose weight THIS year!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes my cousin and a friend on Riley's due date :*( 

but I am thrilled for them both - it's just hard....

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My sweet Riley & Peyton...

5. What countries/states did you visit?

Just Adirondacks in NY - no where outside NY...

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Have a baby that will live on this Earth with us!

7. What dates/events from 2010 will remain etched upon 

your memory, and why?

(all are baby loss related)

1/25/10 - positive test

2/11/10 - first u/s - no heartbeat @ 6-7 weeks

2/15/10 - confirmed Hcg levels decresed

2/17/10 - a doc tells me he can't do D & C for 6-8 weeks!

2/23/10 - my original doc sets up D & C for next day

2/24/10 - D & C

3/10/10 - tested for abnormal thyroid (came back normal)

7/19/10 - positive test

7/22/10 - my birthday - positive increase in Hcg (blood test)

7/26/10 - first u/s - saw heartbeat @ 6.5 weeks

8/16/10 - u/s - saw heartbeat again @ 9 weeks 5 days

8/19/10 - prenatal checkup - u/s - no heartbeat @ 10+ weeks

8/27/10 - D & C

9/10/2010 - found specialist

9/24/2010 - all blood tests came back normal

& diagnosed with underactive thyroid

12/10/10 - HSG - V shaped uterus -

either have bicornuate or septate uterus.

12/28/10 - MRI (to see if septate or bicornuate)

12/29/10 - diagnosed with septate uterus (FIXABLE!)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Living through my loss without going crazy, my husband and I 

surviving the loss of our babies with lots of love for each other.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not having my babies - but I now know for a fact that there was 

no way for them to live my uterus was making it impossible... while 

it is my bodies fault I know that it was nothing I did... 

So other than that not getting a teaching job and/or losing my job 

(though neither were do to me not trying my hardest!)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

 Lots and lots of grief and latel far too many colds!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I would say my baby loss jewelry - my two necklaces which I cherish :)

also, I am glad that we have a new apartment (but we rent it) 

& Currently I am GREATLY enjoying our Kinect :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

All my FABULOUS new BLM friends who have given me such support 

and let me know that they are there for me - I thank each and every one

of you for your love <3

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I would say all the complete idiots that said ridiculously stupid 

things and told me in more words to get over my babies and 

move on and try again.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, bills, surgeries, and doctor bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Well so far the only thing I have been excited about that wasn't 

crushed (like my pregnancies) is the new fabulous news that my septate 

uterus can be FIXED!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

I will carry you and Unredeemed by Selah

Held by Natalie Grant

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 

a) happier or sadder? sadder (last year I hadn't lost both my children)

b) fatter or thinner? fatter or similar (not sure which)

c) richer or poorer? Poorer (I have been jobless since May)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Eaten healthier - listened to the first doctor who told me Riley 

as gone and gotten a HSG SOONER therefore this surgery could

have been done a long time ago but I know I cannot control 

everything - I am just happy it is figured out and will be fixed soon!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Being quick to judge others I guess. I don't do it often but when 

I do I always worry that there is a reason they are the way they are 

and I don't understand their circumstances...

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With family :)

21. Which blogspot people did you meet this year?

Everyone - I didn't have a blog until the end of August this year... 

You all mean SO SO much to me!

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?

With my babies - yes - and I will ALWAYS love them!

23. How many one-night stands?

NONE

24. What was your favourite TV program?

Hmm so many.... NEW favorite - Mike & Molly, S#*! my dad says, 

and Hawaii Five-O

old favorites are: Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Lie to Me, 

GLEE, and Community...

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

NO

26. What was the best book you read?

"An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination" by Elizabeth 

McCracken....and "I will carry you" by Angie Smith - both about

losing a baby.Recently Firefly Lane was also an awesome

book (not about baby loss).

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

LaCrae - a Christian rapper - he is amazing.

28. What did you want and get?

A husband that has loved me through these hard times even though 

we have not been married long - we have a STRONG marriage!

29. What did you want and not get?

My sweet Riley in my arms , My sweet Peyton in my arms.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

Hmmm Inception was pretty amazing. Rabbit Hole was an amazing film

and amazing for the community of those that have lost a child to have

that to show to those they know to help them understand even a little

bit more. 

Also recently Black Swan was great as was 127 Hours...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

My pregnancy was confirmed with positive Hcg increase - it was the 

best birthday gift ever! We went to see Predators with my dad and 

went to Fudrucker's where I told my dad I was pregnant. (little did

I know that less than a month later at 10 weeks Peyton my second 

baby would also be gone) I turned 29 ...

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably 

more satisfying?

Obviously having Riley or if I had lost Riley to still be

pregnant with Peyton...

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Same as it has been for years. Nice clothes that are also COMFORTABLE!

34. What kept you sane?

My family (especially my mom), my husband (who has been so

amazing this year), my new BLM friends, and OF COURSE - my

faith in God (without my faith I don't know where I would be -

but I know it wouldn't be good)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Well I think Lilly Allen because she recently lost a baby and Pink 

because she recently announced she is pregnant and is also a BLM.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Everything about our current president stirs me - and NOT in a 

good way. Though I try to stay away from politics because all 

they do is make me mad and I have enough problems...

37. Who did you miss?

Riley & Peyton

38. Who was the best new person you met?

ALL my new BLM friends... and my specialist because without

him we may never have found out my uterus issue was fixable!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

Never to be naive and expect that things happen to other people 

but not me. Because they can and did happen to me...Also that 

God can give me the strength to handle anything...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to end this by saying GOODBYE 2010 you will NOT be missed!

I am grateful to have learned that my uterus issue is fixable and that 

is a happy way to end out this crappy crappy year. 

I do want to take this time to thank my sweet babies Riley & Peyton... 

You have taught me how to love and have compassion... to 

understand that we may not always understand what others have 

endured.  I thank you for that. I love you for how much you have 

taught me in the short time that you were with me - please know 

that you will always be in my heart. Mommy and Daddy love you 

and miss you so so much!

Misunderstood

I pretty consistently feel totally, completely, utterly misunderstood. Before I lost Riley & Peyton, far before the worst year I have had in my 29 years I felt this way. Many many many times. I have gone through a lot in life. A lot that people probably misunderstood in the first place. For instance people don't "get" depression. I went through that for a horrible 7 years or so. All of high school and a majority of my college years. I remember my cousin looking at me and asking me why I don't just "get over it" - I wanted to strangle her. I was like OH YEA why didn't I ever think of THAT! How dumb. People are like that with child loss too - that think we should get over it, move on, have more kids - like it's possible to get over and like having a child will make the loss any less horrible. People are stupid. Plain and simple.

I have a very sarcastic personality. I don't really spout out my sarcasm at people until they know me however even people that do know me don't like it (my sis for instance). Those that GET my sarcasm are usually ALSO sarcastic and they get it - they get it's a JOKE and we laugh and carry on. I swear to you that people (those that don't understand) look at me like I'm this huge jerk. I just stand there and think the person I am actually TALKING to is laughing so mind your business! I feel like because of my personality I have to constantly explain myself. It's ridiculous and annoying. I don't ask you to change your personality don't ask me to change mine. If you don't like me then move along...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I mentioned to a new friend in an email who recently lost her sweet angel that I feel like when I look in the mirror all I can see is my loss. All I see behind my eyes is pain. I feel like this year has added many years to my life. I feel much older than 29 most days. I think suffering this sort of pain added a reality to my world that I wish I never knew. A reality filled with far too much fear and sadness. Far too many unanswered questions and what if's that I never thought I would have to question ever in my life let alone at this stage in my life. I mentioned to her that I thought if I were to place two photos next to each other of a before and after baby loss it would be so obvious which happened when. I was right. I can tell very much which picture is which. Makeup doesn't cover it up, nothing can all makeup does is add color to chaos. I think I look much older, tired, sad, and that genuine smile and that happy gleam in my eye is gone. I think my eyes look sort of lifeless.

It's like I can look into my eyes and SEE my pain. SEE that part of me is gone. The "old me" is only present in the gleam of my eye. Like a far away memory. That "me" seems so long ago. So PAST. So forever gone and at the same time I can't believe it's been 10 months since my first loss - 10 months since Riley left us and 4 since Peyton left. Some days are good - most I feel like a shell of my former self. Like invasion of the body snatchers. To others I may look the same. Maybe even sound and act the same sometimes. But deep down I know that I am the not the "me" I once was. I part of myself during that first ultrasound. The first time I heard there was "no heartbeat" and somehow a large majority of me survived after that. I did society's thing - didn't grieve - didn't talk - moved on with life - until I heard "no heartbeat" the second time around. That day, all alone in that SAME d*mn ultrasound room I lost the rest of the old me. That naive hope was gone forever, never to return. At that moment as I balled my eyes out and gasped for air while some women I had met twice in my life starred at me in pity - at that moment I grieved both my babies.

The difference makes me cry. The before picture was taken on Christmas last year. I wonder what it will look like to put that picture next to this year's picture? I never would have thought I could age so much in such a short time..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I went to a young adults group get together (a group at our church). I don't go often - as I have said before on a post I believe  - I feel far too old for the age group. It's 18-30ish well there are far more on the younger spectrum and I feel out of place. Today was okay but again I felt out of plahttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5951718174491665154ce. I feel like I have to insert myself into conversations and given my husband wasn't there either it made it a little more uncomfortable. There was a girl there quite a few years younger than me (probably she was 25) with her baby and she has two other children who were not there. It was sort of a slap in the face, as are all pregnant women and babies on some days. I find myself far more uncomfortable when I am not expecting to see a baby. I just sat there fidgeting with my bracelet and necklace (both which are for Riley & Peyton. I literally had to fight back tears thinking this is what I have of them. This is how I carry them...weightless jewelry filled with so much meaning. It was almost too much to take. I survived. I am here to tell the story but still wounded from the experience.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been told that I am so strong and it so unbelievable that I was able to survive this horrible loss twice. I agree I am strong, we all are, all BLMs are so far beyond strong it's unexplainable our strength. We all never thought we would survive I am sure but we did we made it through and we will be making it through our whole lives. You don't get over this sort of pain, you deal with it, you become used to it, you live THROUGH it but you never get OVER it. This is not something any of have a choice in... we were thrown into this misery, forced to gain this strength. This is my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have my MRI scheduled for the Tuesday after Christmas. My cousin's husband is the technician and apparently you get the results very quickly. As long as I know before my next period that is all that matters. IF it is tissue like I am hoping and praying then they can get on birth control and do the surgery next month. If it's not tissue then they won't do anything either way. I have never wanted anything more in my life (except kids of course) then to have this be TISSUE! I am hoping and praying for it with every fiber in my being. I will of course fill you in on the matter once I know more.

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Thanks for reading. Check out my next post I am doing a giveaway :)

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"It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it."- Eleanor Roosevelt

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life." -Virginia Woolf  

My store - coming soon :)

So I'm going to do it! I have created a blog to sell my items to help others remember their heavenly children. I am excited at the prospect. I will also add these items to my Etsy store and my website (which I am also revamping and it is under construction) too. I could just add them to my website and Etsy but I feel that the addition of a blog will be good additional exposure to the many baby loss momma's like me who blog their ever living brains out ;) LOL!

The blog design may change tomorrow if I find one I like better but for now it's there and items will be added in the next day or two. When I set my mind on something I get it done ;)

Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art

I created this colored pencil drawing tonight and edited the text on it to make my button (coming soon) here's the photo! I'm quite proud of it!

"Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it has all finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and ask yourself...How did I get through all that?"

Thank you all for your support and encouragement on this new venture through my healing.

XOXO
~ Jess


Momma loves you sweet babies. This is all for you Riley and Peyton... all for you. You have changed me. Inspired me to help others by talking about you and making art so that others may remember their children as I am able to remember you through my art. You have effected me more during your time with me then some people will ever effect me at all. You have changed me forever my loves. I am forever grateful to you for showing me that love and peace is possible through sorrow. I love you more than I can ever explain. I will meet you one day in heaven and we will sing and dance with joy. For now I will make art. Every piece I make I will think of you both. You are my children... did you know that you impacted the world when your feet never even touched the ground?  You impacted my world and I will impact the world through this loss as much as I can. I love you so much my sweet Riley and Peyton. SO MUCH! Goodnight....

a hard journey....

Be warned - this is a long one - but it tells a lot about me - so I would love it if you read it....

I wasn't even planning on blogging tonight (shocking I know!), I actually went to bed the same time as my husband. I have had a headache pretty much from the time I woke up. Fabulous AF has returned for the first time since my D & C and I feel like crap. My body feels like it's falling apart, like it's waging a war. I'm crampy and my head hurts and I'm tired yet when I laid down I could not fall asleep.... so I decided to read "I will carry you" by Angie Smith which I started a couple weeks ago after buying it at a Selah concert. I finished it tonight it is an amazing, amazing book! I highly recommend this book to ANY and EVERY baby loss momma. Angie is so heartfelt and honest about her entire grief journey. She shares about her faith and her struggle with it at times while suffering the loss of her daughter Audry. If you have read my blog previously you have read and/or heard about me singing the song "I will carry you" by Selah this is also title Audry's song - it is about their daughter. About carrying her even after they knew she would not live. It is an amazing song. An amazing book.

I have felt a bit numb today. It's surreal how I can be in such pain and disbelief and yet the world still turns, the seasons still change, life carries on. I carry on too, a changed woman. I will never be the same person I was before losing Riley and Peyton. I am forever changed. No matter how many people out there can say to "just move on" or "better to forget it ever happened" even the people that try that will be changed forever. If you don't talk about death it doesn't take away that it occurred. Those that try to ignore or forget that their child died are just as much a part of dead baby land as any baby loss momma. None of us are WILLING participants. No one would ever CHOOSE this agony for themselves or for anyone they knew.

I laid in bed the other night trying to fall asleep in vain and just kept thinking... "This is NOT my life, this is not my life, this is not my life" like some crazed version of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz except....guess what? She got to go home - it WAS all a dream for her.... but this IS my life. This is my grief, my weight to bear. Instead of the weight of a child in my arms or laying against my chest I bear the weight of my grief and ever present loss.

I WILL NOT RUSH GRIEF

In Angie's book she says that we should repeat that to ourselves and those reading this that have not experienced such loss should repeat it too. DO NOT RUSH GRIEF! Listen to someone if they are on this sad journey. Try your best to not offer cliche responses such as "it happened for a reason" or "it wasn't meant to be" or "your baby is in heaven" - I know all of these things.... do they make me feel "better"? Do they "take away my pain"? Not a bit.

I am a Christian. I think that I have stated that in many posts and I have spoken of how I have not lost faith in God many times. I never will. God's will is not my own. Am I angry about it sometimes? Heck yes I am! Most of the time it makes me angry to be honest. But I still know that God's got my back. I pray constantly that He will grant us children here on earth....

We all have our hurdles in life. I had one big hurdle before the loss of Riley and Peyton. I suffered from depression for 8 years. I used to cut myself - used to cause myself pain physically by cutting myself so that the deep aching sadness in my mind would be overpowered. Not many people even knew that back then. It was over 8 years ago now. I have never had to deal with those feelings since then at all but I can remember it all the same . They were dark years. I never tried to kill myself or anything like that. It was much like grieving at times... I was downright balling sometimes and others I could smile and laugh. Though my depression came out of nowhere there was NO reason for it. It seemed like one day I woke up and I hated my life - I was depressed for no reason. That was the worst part. How do you get over something that there is no reason for? But I did. I got over it. I have my scars and 8 years of muddled memories as a reminder. But I am on the other side of that depression.

Without God who knows where I would be. Would I still be in that darkness? It's possible. It took a long time to understand WHY ON EARTH I had to go through that! Why from my freshman year in high school until my junior year in college did I have to suffer through that? Well, because I could help others.... I spoke about my struggle with cutting and depression to my church's youth group. It was known that there were at least a few  in the group that were also suffering with it. Most likely there were probably more that no one had any idea about. I hope it helped them in some way. Cutting is much like miscarriage in that it is exceptionally taboo in our society. People would have thought I was a complete freak if they knew I did that in high school. They still would nowadays. It is completely and TOTALLY impossible to understand WHY someone would do that to themselves... UNLESS you have been there yourself. No one wants to talk about it. They will hide it all they can. Why? Because no one wants to be a freak - no one wants to be different - no one wants to be judged.

Sound familiar?

I think for those exact reasons SOME people will do all they can to ignore, "forget", pretend, and not acknowledge that they EVER lost a child. No one wants to be the odd duck. The one at the lunch table all by themselves. The person that everyone is afraid to talk to because they have no idea what to say. A member of the pity party. Well you know what? I am that person. And if talking about my babies makes me odd or different then so be it because you know what? RILEY AND PEYTON ARE MY BABIES! They always will be! I will ALWAYS talk about them - I will ALWAYS love them - and I will forever miss them until I meet them one day in heaven. I am the only voice they have. Those that do not want to hear about my babies or acknowledge that my loss was real should move on without me in their lives. They have changed MY world forever, my HEART forever. my LIFE forever. I will do whatever small part I can to change the WORLD in whatever small way I can for my babies. They did not die in vain. I will make my art, speak my faith, and tell their story until the day I breathe my last breath. I survived one 8 year hurdle and I will survive these life long hurdles. Riley and Peyton have made me a better person. What a huge impact they have made in such a short time. 16 weeks between the two of them and my life is forever changed. I am forever blessed that I can see that. FOREVER BLESSED.

I found out today that two couples I know are pregnant. I am happy for them, don't get me wrong, but it's hard. It's a weight on my chest. Takes my breath away to hear that others get the joy I am longing for. I know "my time will come" but watching others time come isn't the most fun in the universe. I wish them the best and pray that they will have happy uneventful pregnancies. But 2 days after a baby being born on Riley's due date to hear of more pregnancies is just more weight. It's a struggle. It's a HARD journey....

God get me through this! Help me to love you and others through my sadness! Be with me through these days and bring peace to my heavy heart tonight Lord. My body is weary but my heavy heart won't let me rest. Take this weight away and give me sweet dreams this night. Amen.



Riley and Peyton mommy loves you! Did you know that you changed me forever? Did you know that I did not even need to hold you or see you for you to forever impact my heart and life? You are my tiny forever blessings. My permanent reminders that you have made me a better, stronger person.  Thank you for that my loves. I am forever thankful that God let me carry you even for such a short time. Thankful that when I breathe my last breath on earth one day I will immediately be joined in heaven with my babies. Oh what a day of rejoicing that will be!

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20


If you read this entire post - I love you and thank you for walking with me on this journey. Each and EVERY one of you mean so very much to me. Please at least leave a small comment even just a :) so I know that you read this.... it would mean a lot.