The things I wish people NEVER EVER SAID!

**READ ENTIRE ENTRY before you get all high and mighty**

1 - First thing no one should ever say..... ANYTHING to degrade someone's appearance EVER
**you're too skinny, fat, dorky looking, gawky, awkward.... etc. etc. RUDEEEEE**

First off let's get something straight! EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL! You are ALL freaking BEAUTIFUL! I don't care if you are 100 lbs. or 600 lbs., I don't care if you have acne, or think you are freakishly tall. Or that your nose is too big. You know what. YOU are the way YOU are meant to be in this moment! God made us who we are. Can we alter that, sure we can. But we are all
B E A U T I F U L!

 1) Societies views of BEAUTY are beyond psychotic. It is sickening and sad how quickly children think they are too fat or feel bad about themselves. Sickening. Adults are teaching them these socially constructed ideas....WE NEED TO STOP THIS. Teach our children to LOVE EVERYONE to see beauty in all people. STOP the judgement.

2) We are adults - and we are the worst with this. People who are hearing these degrading words likely have called themselves that or thought that EVERY DAY! People know what they look like, know what people think. I wish we could all see how beautiful we were to those who love us. I wish we all knew that. I hope for even ONE moment that beauty is shown to each and every one of you through something, someone. You deserve it. 

3) Life is beautiful. Life is good. Life is SO MUCH MORE than our looks. The sooner we can see this - the sooner there are more beautiful days to share with others....

DO NOT LET THE WORLD TELL YOU THAT YOU AREN'T BEAUTIFUL!

Easier said than done - heck yes!

2 - "You are SO lucky to have it EASY and get to be a Stay at home mom..." Add to that "Oh you JUST have X amount of kids...."

Mothers deal with a LOT - WAY too much to be honest. As a stay at home mom we get the glory of it all (sarcasm intended)!  We deal with far more than most AND on top of that we have morons thinking we are living the high life not having to work. 

1) Many moms would like to work - would like to get out a bit. Childcare is expensive. Logically many stay home because why on Earth would they work just to pay someone else to raise their children.... and then there would be judgement for THAT.

2) It is not EASY by any means being a stay at home mom - it is WORK lots and lots of WORK. To the point where honestly I find it hard to relax...when most people leave the mess in their office they can forget it till the next workday....not me because I LIVE WHERE I WORK! So I am constantly reminded of the failure to clean the counter, do the laundry, do those dishes in the sink... so on and so forth. NOT FUN PEOPLE - NOT FUN!

3) Stop saying JUST in regards to kids. EVERYONE has different things to deal with as a parent. We all have different things to deal with in regards to our children. So by saying JUST it implies that we are lazy our somehow doing something wrong by not having/wanting more children. It is not your right to assume that you know how many kids anyone should have NOR should you assume they CAN have more children - you may have hit a VERY tough nail there with that simple saying and seriously put a dark cloud over someone's day. THINK.

4) Stay at home moms have the most under-appreciated, overly glorified job known to the world. Here anyone who is NOT a SAHM thinks it's the bee's knees AND we get paid NOTHING. We have the hardest job that literally NEVER ends. We are at our job 24/7 - no sick days, no vacations, no personal days. On call ALWAYS.

5) If we are seen in public it is somehow shocking our child(ren) are not tied to us.... and then if daddy is with them he is praised for being so great to BABYSIT..... um he's not babysitting - they are HIS KIDS - and also - my so easy job I do EVERY day is someone now massively noteworthy for him? Crazy.... I would say so (no qualms on my hubby here - this is not his doing and I DO appreciate those moments of grocery shopping to not have to take an unwilling child - but I think you get my point)

6) As a stay at home mom it can be VERY hard to feel like you lost that part of you that felt useful bringing money into the household. To lose that part of your identity. To be seen as someone taking care of the house, the kids, the husband. It can begin to feel almost demeaning. It's hard

I digress....I could go on and on

(in the same respect lets not judge working moms - we all do what we need to do. Just don't judge in general - I just feel being a SAHM is too glorified...when in reality it is NOT easy!)

3) "Why are you so emotional, sad, just wake up and BE HAPPY"

Mental illness is a huge epidemic. People view suicide as weakness. It is often the result of a mental illness. The sad end to a person who could not handle what their brain and body were put through. It was not selfishness. It was not the easy way out. It was not any of the awful things people say and think. 

1) There are SO many mental illnesses. The most commonly heard I imagine is Depression. Been there. Terrified DAILY (literally) that I will become depressed again. There was no cause of my depression. It literally seemed like I woke up one day and I was sad. UNbarably sad. I sought help. Went through some hellish, awful times, and improved. But I still get sad. For apparently no reason. In those moments I fear that sadness won't send. It''s terrifying. It's a constant struggle. But I am so happy to be who I am. To not be labeled "Depressed" anymore. But that time taught me more than anything DON'T JUDGE mental illness. You do not have ANY idea what that person is dealing with!

2) Medication is NECESSARY for most of these illnesses! It is not a weakness, it is not laziness, it is not drug seeking behavior. I was medicated when I was depressed. It helped. I am alive today because of the love of my family and because that medication helped me. Again STOP the judgement just STOP!

3) Mental illness is not something that you can just wake up and ignore. It's not a BAD MOOD. It's a disease. A switch that isn't connected right in your brain. Stop treating people that have these illnesses like they are having an off day like they lost their job... it's not the case. It's not that simple.

#4 - At least you ONLY had a miscarriage.... at least you weren't far along... everything happens for a reason - ANY statement WHATSOEVER about losing a child.....period.

1) You should never say ANY statement about the loss of a child. No matter when that loss happened. Whether you have endured a loss of some sort too - it doesn't matter. Say I am sorry for your loss. Give a hug. Lend and ear. NEVER compare. 

2) I DO believe that I will meet my 3 babies in Heaven one day. I feel them with me often. My losses were all 14 weeks or earlier in pregnancy. But they were devastating. As any loss is. Don't compare such a tragedy. Ever.

3) Don't compare infertility with losing a child. Infertility is it's own battle, I know many who have dealt with it. BUT it is not the same as knowing you were pregnant, dreaming of a baby in your arms, and losing that. It is just not. It is illogical.

4) You never know a battle someone may be fighting.... there is REALLY good chance that you know MANY people who have lost a child. Our society doesn't smile upon sharing our losses. I have always been open with my situation but many don't wish to be that way. SO don't think you know everyone's story.... don't comment on things that could seriously hurt a person. 

You know there are FAR more things I wish people NEVER said. Maybe I will write more someday. Tonight I was deeply deeply hurt because of a situation that a dear friend went through. Something she never should have had to hear. Something I wish I could take out of her brain. I am sending her love and hugs and kindness and many prayers. She is strong and I will always be here! ALWAYS!

I have dealt with ALL of these issues.

1) I am fat by societies standards. I would like to weigh less. I have been told by many I am fat.
2) I am a stay at home mom and I DO love having that ability - please don't judge my honesty - I love my children and am blessed to raise them at home. But it is not a piece of cake.
3) I have been through years of depression and survived.
4) I have lost 3 children to miscarriage.

 I was not always as strong a person as I am now. I could still very easily be dragged down a hole from any of these situations. Any of them. At any moment. I hope that I could bring myself out far quicker nowadays. I am beautiful. I am obese by societies standards. I am "JUST" a stay at home mom during the day - but also have a very busy new business. I have struggled with depression and lived to tell the tale (thank you Lord). I have lost three babies to miscarriages and have 2 on Earth with me. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. An aunt. A Granddaughter. A singer. A sensitive person. I am an artist. A friend.
I am many many things. And so are you. 

BE LOVING. BE KIND. KNOW THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

<3 Much love to you all

Right where I am 2012: 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, etc....

Angie at Still Life with Circles started started a project called  Right Where I Am - where babyloss parents can share about their grief journey at this point in that walk... it's beautiful and I thank her for creating it so that I may be a part of it and read of others who participate as well. This is my post from last year.

2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks (since we lost Riley)
1 year, 9 months, 5 days (since we lost Peyton)
7 months, 1 week, 3 days (since we lost Cameron)

My grief journey has changed since my post a year ago for this project. In a way I grieve more, but certainly differently. My rainbow baby, Logan Charles, was born on April 29, 2012. He is a pure blessing and a miracle! I will never be able to explain in words how much he means to me. The pregnancy was originally twins but sadly as you can see from above we lost Cameron (somewhere between 10-14 weeks into the pregnancy). That is where my grief journey really took a turn because I was devastated that day beyond words. I had felt like we were being doubly blessed after losing our first two children. That twins were a sign that all would be well, etc. At 7 weeks along when we saw both heartbeats I truly thought all would continue to be well throughout the pregnancy. 7 weeks later that all just crashed and burned. When they did the ultrasound I did not see two babies like I should have.... I knew something was wrong. The tech showed us little baby b (Cameron) who was only now measuring 7 weeks even at the 14 week appt. and of course had no heartbeat. Baby b (Cameron) was gone. My husband and I were bawling at this point and I just needed to know how the other baby was doing. After what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was only seconds I'm sure) she showed us Logan's heartbeat. She went on to tell us he was measuring well and looked perfectly healthy.

That day was quite the turn in my journey. My husband was very upset and couldn't understand why I wasn't MORE upset than I was. I had cried quite a bit of course but I KNEW that I had to keep it together and to not over stress my body and cause harm to my sweet baby a (Logan). I distinctly remember feeling badly that I was not grieving Cameron in the same way that I had grieved Riley and Peyton. Did this make me a bad mom? But I soon realized of course it didn't.... my instinct took over and I KNEW that I had to handle this grief in a different manner, I am a VERY emotional person and I knew it could cause harm to my pregnancy if I was to get too upset over the loss of Cameron. My husband understood this in the end of course and throughout the pregnancy we were terrified that something bad was going to happen. Ultrasounds will ALWAYS be a scary thing for us because other than literally TWO ultrasounds (both with my last pregnancy after losing Cameron) there has always been a loss.... my husband hates ultrasounds and they terrify me as well. We feel we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't want to blabber on as I did last year (I make no promises but I don't WANT to blabber lol)....


A month before finding out I was pregnant last year I lost my Nana. She was an extremely important person in my life and always will be. I am happy that she is watching my babies in Heaven but as with all losses I selfishly wish she were here to hold and love Logan. My Papa is visiting on Saturday and when mentioning that to my husband I said " Nana and Papa....." and I just started crying..... I still feel like she's here sometimes and I cry as I write this because the loss (as with my babies) just seems like it will always be so new, so fresh, so unbearably raw. Other than my babies she is the greatest loss I have ever dealt with... throughout my pregnancy I would have dreams of her and just cry when I woke up knowing she wouldn't be here to meet Logan. I think I may always cry when I think of her and my babies.... and that's okay...

I am an emotional person... always have been, always will be and that is something I will never apologize for... I am not ashamed of it is any way. I know your body is weighed down with hormones during and after pregnancy but I think Logan has just brought on a whole wealth of new emotions to me. I am a mommy. I have been for two years but now I am a mommy to the WORLD. They can see that. I had my first Mother's Day where I was acknowledged as a mother. Having a living child in my life has, in a way, made my grief more acute. Looking at him makes me realize how precious and perfect my little ones in Heaven must be, makes me realize all that I lost. Makes it more real in a way, though I can't really explain what I mean by that. I cry more often then I used to. Not the baby blues or anything like that. Sometimes I cry happy tears because I feel soooo blessed to just have a baby to love and snuggle and hold in my arms... just looking at him can make me cry tears of joy. Other times I cry because I don't want people to think that he healed my heart completely and that Riley, Peyton, and Cameron are not important to me.... they ALWAYS will be. Sometimes I cry because, well, I'm an overwhelmed and tired mommy (as I'm sure all moms do at times). Basically at this point (we'll see if the hormones are to blame in time) I cry more for my losses, for the gift and blessing of my rainbow baby, for my Nana..... I will not apologize. I am a babyloss mommy and a rainbow mommy. I love all my children equally even though I can't love them all here on Earth in my arms...

Bless you all for reading this... I pray that your journey of grief be as peaceful as possible....

My tattoo for my babies...I sadly have to add Cameron to it still...

Riley, Peyton, Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you so very much. We will tell your brother all about you! Watch over him and send us peace, love, and many hugs and kisses every day. Give Nana a big hug for mommy. We love you all dearly...

www.heavensdoves.blogspot.com

Baby Shower and getting closer.....

So I know I have been super horrible about updating this blog since I have been pregnant - I admit it totally and completely! But ya know what? When preparing for a baby there is just SO much on your mind - yikes! Then of course I hit 34 weeks (I am now 36w3d) and it was like I ran into a brick wall - just NO energy! Geesh!

So here is the long awaited baby shower photos :) Mainly this post will be pictures because in all honesty I don't have the energy to come up with a word filled post (sad I know). The bigger Logan gets the less useful I become LOL!

This group of photos was from the first shower that was at the end of Feb. - the theme was pirate - as that is Logan's nursery theme :)

A dear friend made this to hang at the shower!

Logan's chest I painted was used for cards :)

His letters for his room were also decoration

My little sis, me. and my mom :)

Some of the presents :)

Some of the guests :)

Super cute cakes!

His room theme is pirates - how cute it this onesie?

AWESOME Rug for Logan's room!

His bouncer :) It vibrates and has a heartbeat sound - very cool 

The baby einstein jumper - my friends baby was fascinated by it LOL

Ornament that says "It's a boy!" SO CUTE!

These next few photos are from my second shower that was March 10th at my cousin's house - it was mainly family members (from my dad's side of the family) and a few close friends :)

Cake my cousin made - it was amazingly yummy as always!

Me with the cake :)

My cousin who threw the shower (to the left of me) and my sister to my right - playing a game :)

the beautiful blanket my aunt made!

Yea so I LOVE frogs so this blanket ROCKS :) hehe!

More frogs! SCORE! Love it! Even a cute little hat!

This is a fabulous floor gym thing - Logan can kick the piano hehe :)

Both my showers were lovely and I was EXTREMELY BLESSED! Logan now has all the items he needs - we did just order his take home onesie but that should be here in time I hope :)


Here are all the alphabet paintings :) They are done - now I am just waiting on my dad to stain a huge board so that we can screw all the canvases to it (and by we I mean him LOL). Once that and the shelf (to hang Logan's letters on) are done we can hang the last couple decorations and his room will be complete!

A-L that I posted back around Halloween!

Moon & Nest

Owl & Penguin

Queen & Robot

Snail & Turtle

Umbrella & Viper

Watermelon & Xylophone

Yellow Jacket & Zebra

The entire group - this is how they will be laid out on the board :)


My last ultrasound was March 15th when I was 34w3d and Logan was estimated to weight almost 6 lbs. - he's a big boy!
I CAN'T WAIT TO HOLD HIM!

He is getting to the point now where he is making mama VERY uncomfortable! Soooo I am hoping that since I am full term on Monday that he will choose to be ready a bit early! That would be nice!


Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mommy and Daddy love you so very much :) We will tell Logan all about you! Please take care of each other and tell Nana we miss her so much too! So glad she can be with you and that one day we will all be together. We will never forget you my loves! <3

No ultrasound :(

Well my doctor didn't order an ultrasound. I'm not happy but what can I do ya know? I really do like my doctor and he has delivered MANY twins so that makes me feel good I just wish he could have done even an unofficial ultrasound. UGH!

I am 10w4d today - I found out we lost Peyton at 10w3d - which was when my appt. was yesterday! SO I mean come on? How can he tell me not to be worried? DUH! Of course I am worried. I am in NO way stressed to the point where I could be causing issue to my babies but STILL I'm worried. What do they expect!

GEESH! Well anyways I AM going to the specialist (who deals with multiples) in 2 weeks unless my doc gets me a sooner appt.... but I'm not holding my breath!

Until then he said my life should be "boring as hell" so I guess I won't be working. Fine by me I just hope financially we will be okay.

I'll feel MUCH better once I get my next ultrasound! I mean it'll be nice when I get to the point where I feel movement but until then I'll be a bit on the edge of my seat. Who can blame me?

Anyways....keep me in your prayers!


Riley & Peyton mommy loves you - please bring me peace and watch over your siblings. Please know that mommy and daddy both love you so very much!

Questions about my tater tots...

So I was reading a new post today by a lovely momma I'm sure you all know. She really inspired me to write about something I have been thinking about for awhile. She spoke about her reactions when people asked if this pregnancy was "her first"....

When I was pregnant with Riley I had a full time job. I had let people know about my pregnancy at work, at church, on Facebook, pretty much the whole flippin' world knew. Within a day or two of breaking the news to everyone and their mother's hairdresser's aunt we got the bad news.... It sucked. I think all you BLM's out there know what I mean. It was devastating. Life crushing. It was a horrible, awful nightmare! My point is that then I told people... that was 2/11/10 and in May of 2010 I got laid off from that job. Haven't had a full-time job since... SOOooo my social networking has massively died down since then. So with my pregnancy with Peyton it was easier to not spread the news like wildfire because well, to put it simply I was never around people. It's easy not to tell people when you are sitting at home by yourself 85% of the time. Immediate family and a couple friends new.... that's it. But guess what? I still lost Peyton and it still sucked. Given the type of person I am I STILL told people about my loss and let me tell you telling them when they had NO idea I was pregnant again was NO fun at all. If anything it sucked more than when they did know.

Telling people in both cases back then made ME feel like I was the bad guy. I always felt like wow I'm such a jerk for making these people feel bad! Nowadays LOL all I can think is screw them - this happened to ME not THEM! It shattered MY life. If they feel a little pity and feel uncomfortable about such a taboo subject as baby loss oh freaking well. That is the least of my worries. Sure, I know, maybe this makes me seem like a jaded old miser and in a way maybe I am. But, I can only handle so much and feeling BAD about talking about my two children (Riley and Peyton) is NOT something I can handle anymore. So the people who want to ignore my pain or can't talk to me about my children... well those people are on the bottom of my list of important people in my life because Riley & Peyton are at the top of that list! If you are in my life and you want to ignore my children then feel free to see yourself out...plain and simple.

I have been asked many times already if my tater tots are my first pregnancy. I'm quite positive that to each person that has asked I have replied "no, I had a couple losses last year". In come cases I leave it at that and say "that's ok" (even though of course it's not) when people say "oh I'm so sorry". In other cases (people I know better, given the situation) I explain more... if they don't already know. Honestly since being laid off from my job mostly my social situations are with friends (who know the whole story) or at church. At church I have been VERY vocal about my losses. I sang I will carry you: including the slides shown in the post...If you watch until the end you will see information. After singing this song I was unable to sit in church as I was bawling my eyes out. But it was worth it. I also sand Unredeemed at church. You can see at the end of the first slides that our babies had not been named but soon after that song I "met" Mary who inspired me to name my babies. A month ago I sang Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns and in January I plan to sing Held by Natalie Grant. I'm vocal. Anyone who asks me about my babies , I tell them. I tell them as much as they are willing to listen to... I cherish my moments to talk about my angels.

I am SURE that at some point in this journey there will be a cashier or waitress who will ask me if this is my first pregnancy and I will simply nod or something. I just happen to be around people mainly who I know well enough to explain my case. But, I live a rather sheltered life as of late... and I'm okay with that. For now I just want to surround myself with people that care. They are the people that matter.

My MIL has yet to find out about this pregnancy - she never knew about Riley until I had lost Peyton. She has never been around me when I was pregnant. Personally, I have no interest in that changing this time around either. She is crazy and has a weird attachment to my husband. Mind you this weird attachment is only on her side - my hubby is totally normal!! I truly feel she could care less about me. Hasn't seen me since January and in the 3+ years we have been married has seen me MAYBE 10 times. Soooo she cares about seeing her son. Which is fine I just think that when she finds out I am going to be bringing her grandchildren into the world she will want to see me ONLY because of that. And she totally stresses me out. Just thinking about her stresses me out. Sooo at this point even when she finds out I don't think I can handle seeing her. Does that make me an awful person?

I've been worrying a lot lately about finances and me being jobless and what not. But I have to always remember to give it to God. I know He has a plan and that everything will work out :)

 Also... to answer a question on a comment from the other day. We are still calling the twins our "tater tots" but they are ALSO our "rainbow babies" - for those that don't know a rainbow baby is what a child is called after a woman's previous child is an angel. So I will call them one or both ;)

Riley & Peyton you will always be our first and second children! Even when we tell people we barely know that the tater tots are my first pregnancy don't think we forgot you or care any less. We just don't wish to make others sad sometimes. We will always love you, talk about you, and miss you. We will tell our tater tots (your brothers/sisters) all about you!! <3

9 weeks

Soooo if you missed my last post check it out before reading this one ;)

Today I am 9 weeks with my rainbows. I called to ask if I needed to be referred to a specialist to go and they informed that I need a script from my doctor. So I called my OBGYN's office and luckily spoke to a lovely women. I informed her that I am pregnant with twins and I really want to be referred to a specialist because I have had two D&Cs and I want to make sure I have plenty of people keeping track of everything such as incompetent cervix, etc. She informed me that Dr. C will certainly keep close attention to my pregnancy and that I will "be sick of them" because I will see them so much. I laughed and told her I would LOVE to be sick of them! 

She was also awesome and set up my doctor's appt. when previously all I had set up was a nurse's visit. Which is just boring blah blah and what not - nothing fun happens at those visits! So now I see the nurse in a week (9/26) and the doctor on 9/29 for a regular checkup and I am seriously hoping an ultrasound given it will have been like a month since I had one and I am super anxious! I am going to TRY to call tomorrow and see if there is any way that both appts. can be on the same day though I am not that hopeful they will do that. 

We shall see! 

Either way all is well. I haven't really had morning sickness at all. I have days when I am so incredibly tired I feel ill but that's about it. As long as I drink plenty of water and eat enough I generally feel okay other than the complete and total lack of energy. I have a tendency to sleep 8-10 hours a night (waking up about 5 times to pee UGH). When I get up I take my thyroid meds and have to eat within 30-60 mins. then after being up for about 5 hours I feel exhausted LOL and that's without doing anything! Today I went grocery shopping so I was exhausted in about 3 hours ;) here's hoping the second trimester I gain some energy!

SOoooo all is well everyone and I hope to update with a new ultrasound late next week! :) Finger crossed and prayers sent up daily. I figure my total lack of energy and general slothiness means all is well hehe!

Also super cute thing - my cat has become VERY lovey dovey lately LOL she wants to lay with me ALL the time - before she could care less. The last time she laid with me was when I was pregnant with Peyton. My Gabby cat is a baby lover! <3 SUPER cute I'll have to post a pic soon <3

Also.... note to self - stop watching sad movies back to back my nose is stuffed up enough from being pregnant but bawling my eyes out certainly makes it worse! I watched Up Close & Personal and Marvin's Room last night - both had me bawling by the end - geesh! I mean I ALWAYS cry at movies like that but when I'm pregnant I have a hard time STOPPING crying! I still remember when I watched Lovely Bones! I cried for 30 minutes after the movie was OVER! At the time I didn't know I was pregnant with Riley LOL! That made it make a BIT more sense ;)

So yea, exhausted, over emotional, hungry all the time, somewhat crampy (with my uterus working overtime LOL), and needing to pee all the time.... that pretty much sums it all up! ;)

Many thanks for all the LOVELY comments on my last post! You are all so wonderful and supportive and I can't thank you enough! <3 

Riley & Peyton I love you so very much and daddy and I talk about you all the time :) We miss you!

 

Big news and a lovely surprise! (triggers)

So I was totally bummed when I didn't get pregnant in July but given the fact that I fell and hurt myself and the stress of my Nana's sudden death and all I figured God knew that wasn't the time. After thinking of all the stress my body was in that month I was happy that I didn't end up being pregnant. In hindsight it was a blessing really.

So on to August. I knew I ovulated at the beginning of the month so the first day that I may have missed my period I was like ehhh I'll test (I'm VERY impatient) LOL AND I blogged about the dream I had HERE.

Given the dream and all I just thought August might be our month. So that first test wasn't positive but when I looked at it hours later there was a slight line (same thing happened when I was pg with Riley). SO the next day i took another one and the line was a bit darker (see below)!

For those that are Facebook friends with me - SHHHHHH!!!!

So YEAA! I was thrilled! I already had a blood test (in case this happened) and I called my doctor's office to have them fax one to the hospital so I could get another test done two days later. I waited for the results and the next day they told me my levels were good (493) and two days later on Peyton's due date I found out that the levels doubled!!

So they scheduled an early ultrasound for 9/22 - so we could make sure the gestational sacs were within my uterus and all looked well. And it did - all looked well (check out the pick below).

TWINS!!!

So we prepared ourselves and got crazy excited (a little overwhelmed for a day or two LOL) and we went on our planned road trip to see Nate's family. I DO NOT suggest road trips of thousands of miles within 4 days when pregnant and in need of the bathroom ALL the time! UGH! Not fun! BUT.... the trip itself was fun (outside the car) and we were psyched to be able to share the news in person :)

This past Friday we got to go back and see the heartbeats!!

In this photo you can see baby b's yolk sac really well :) Though baby a's gestational sac takes over most of the picture ;)

 

Here you can see again baby b likes to hide a bit - as he/she did with the first ultrasound for a while LOL
Baby a's sac is larger but both were doing great! Baby a measured right on track and had a heartbeat of 150 and baby b was behind a few days (which they say is nothing to worry about with twins) and had a heartbeat of 129.

They are fraternal (two separate sacs) and they each have an angel sibling watching over them! Or they each have both watching over them (however you want to look at it!)! :)

We are beyond thrilled to be expecting twins! I couldn't be more excited! I have decided to tell friends and family because I don't believe in jinxing and I truly feel very hopeful and calm about this pregnancy. God has brought peace to my heart and mind and I believe that while this pregnancy may not be easy, all will go well!

Remember: For those that are friends with me on Facebook: SHHHH! I am telling people but not all my acquaintances on FB yet! ;)

YEA for my tater tots (our affectionate name for them until we know the sexes LOL)

I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him" - 1 Samuel 1:27

I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart. - Jeremiah 1:5

Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so much. Love each other and hug Nana for me! Watch out for your baby brother/sister(s) on Earth and keep bringing mommy peace. :) We will never, ever forget you.

NOTE: For those that this post may have bothered I totally understand if you don't wish to continue to read my blog. I plan to keep my blog the same and will discuss this pregnancy and my losses simultaneously so I understand if some can not handle that. For me my loss and my current pregnancy are intertwined - so they will stay that way on this blog. Thank you for understanding!

So much to live for....

I've decided not to finish the 30 day challenge. I just don't have the will enough to do it. Too much else in life going on and there needs to be some want on my part to do it and it's simply not there. So I apologize for that.

It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog and maybe no one will read this post but it's something I need to get out. There has just been far too much to say. Do you ever feel that way? Like there are so many words that it's just overwhelming? Life has been overwhelming. It seems when it calms down in my life something just blows up. I'm so sick of it honestly. I'm sorry for the long absence but I appreciate if you would read this post - I don't have the strength to edit it so please bear with my typos.

June was nice - my husband and I went to Florida to spend time with his family. Two brothers and a sister he had never met. They, along with his aunts and cousins, were all wonderful. I miss them dearly. It's lovely to spend time with people you just met and within a day feel totally comfortable with them. In my opinion that's hard to come by. We were there for a week with his family and then spent two days together in Orlando for our third anniversary. We went to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. It was too dang hot but also fun. Harry Potter was our favorite ride. When we came home a couple weeks later (July 3rd) we went to a hotel and got a dinner package. We had a lovely night. We jokingly called it a TTC getaway.

The following weekend we went camping with my family. We found out while there that my Nana had been admitted to the hospital (my mom's mother). We had known for 3 1/2 years that she had a blood disorder called MDS but recently she had been doing okay. We had seen her in April at my sister's wedding (she lives in PA and we live in NY). They told us that they had her fever under control and she was doing ok.

Tuesday when we were in Lake Placid the one day our fun was cut short when I fell while walking down a steep asphalt hill. All my weight fell on the tops of my feet and my one leg. I managed to catch myself so nothing above my knees was injured. I think so much of me is used to protecting my belly all the times I have been pregnant or trying that it's a built in instinct now. I couldn't walk for a couple days and my feet bruised up really badly.

Wednesday morning we found out my Nana had been transferred to Roswell Park Cancer Institute which is in Buffalo, NY (near where we live). But we were 6 1/2 hours away in the Adirondack Mountains! They said her blood disorder had turned into Leukemia as we always new it would. It had turned into AML leukemia. That night they told us she was doing okay and her infection was under control. My mom talked to her but said she was disoriented.

Thursday morning my Nana's friend called and told my mom that Nana was dying and the nurses had told her to call anyone that would want to see her before she passed away. When my mom told me I said I'm driving with you mom - let's go. We hurried up and ate, grabbed what we could, someone programmed the gps and we left. Along the way we called who we could and told them the sad news and let them know if they could get there they should. There were eight siblings to contact (she had 9 but one passed away from cancer years ago). I made sure my cousins knew and they headed on their way. About halfway through our ride (about 2:30pm) my mom's uncle called and said that if we called Nana was doing well enough to talk to us. So we called and my Papa answered and put Nana on the phone. She sounded happy. She said she was doing good and we told her that we loved her and we were coming to see her. She said she loved us too and we hung up so others could talk to her too.

We arrived at 5pm and by that time my Nana had not been talking for awhile. All I could think was she didn't look good. Don't know why I would expect her to. My Papa tried to wake her up but she just got very upset about her IVs and oxygen in her nose, etc. so we told him to let her go back to sleep (she was on a morphine drip for the pain). We visited with family. Talked about all our great times together with Nana and someone off and on was usually holding her hand. By 1:30am me and my mom were going home to sleep for a couple hours. Twenty minutes after we got home (about 1 hr. 15 mins. after we left) my cousin (who is the same age as me) was texting me saying that the nurse was saying that Nana wasn't going to make it to the morning. So we got back in the car and went back up. We got there at 4am. She was breathing much heavier than when we had left. At 6:12 the nurse was ordering morphine drops and my mom got up to go to the bathroom. At that exact moment my Nana started breathing very shallow and me and my cousin knew something was different. She talked to her a bit and then I held her hand and told her that we were all with her, that my sister wanted her to know she loved here, and that we all loved her so much and she could go Home now. We would see her soon. She seemed to open her eyes a bit in these few minutes. I was holding her hand when the nurse came in and said she was gone and that she would give us as much time as we needed.

My Papa had been partially asleep, so he didn't know till the nurse said that (or at least it didn't seem that he knew). My cousin and I believe that my Nana got her way even in the end. We don't think she wanted Papa to see her last breaths and we think she waited for my mom to leave the room. She knew. That was how she wanted it. Stubborn to the very end. I'm bawling now typing this all out because, honestly it is the first time I have fully relived that night "out loud" (so to speak). My Nana passed away on July 15, 2011 at 6:15 am. A little over a month after her 72nd birthday. FAR far too young. I will miss her deeply for as long as I live. I was sad later thinking about how she would never meet my children that I have and then I realized that she met my children even before me. She is loving on her grandbabies Riley and Peyton up in Heaven. She's taking care of them for me.

My mom told me later that when my Uncle Tim had talked to Nana he had asked her is she was afraid to die and she said "I'm not afraid to die but there's so much to live for." So true. I'm so glad that my Nana is not in any pain any longer. I think that she always knew she didn't want to live with Leukemia, live with that pain. So when she found out she had it I believe she wanted to see her family and she wanted to go Home to Heaven. I know she's smiling down on us every day, wanting us to be happy instead of sad but we just miss her so. I got a ring in the mail that I had made to remember her. It says "So much to live for" Nana 7.15.11

I will cherish it.

A week later - the 22nd - I turned 30. I had a good time spending time with family, friends, and a lovely day out with my husband. I have to say though it was hard. Hard to turn 30 with no children. I always thought I would have 2 by now. When I got married at 27 I thought okay well 1 by the time I'm 30. But that wasn't in God's plans. Still makes me sad though. But either way, I survived. I'm 30.

This is our second month TTC. I believe with the fall and the extreme stress of my Nana's death that God knew last month was not a good time to get pregnant. This month I was started on medication and on Thursday I get to see how my eggs are looking. So I'm praying that this month is our month! If we have a girl her middle name will be Julia after my Nana.

This is a song me and my mom were singing (through tears) in the car on the way back up to Roswell at around 3:50am.




Riley & Peyton I love you so very much! Give Nana hugs and kisses for me every single day for me. I love all of you so very much and I miss you more than I could ever explain. I am glad that while I can't be with you, you can all be with each other. Keep ahold of those pieces of my heart that you all have. One day my heart will be whole again and we will all be together. Your momma(granddaughter) and daddy(grandson) love you very much!

Can't even leave a haircut happy :*(

So I needed to get my hair cut before vacation because it was getting rather long. So I scheduled it for after my sub job today and my hairstylist knows my history with miscarriages. She has lost a baby too. So you would think that would be a safe zone right? WRONG!

She always asks me if I am pregnant and today I replied "late next month is the first time it will be possible". We talked a bit about my crazy MIL (and trust me she IS crazy). Then my sister came up in conversation and she says to me "What if she gets pregnant before you?" and I said I would be really upset. To which she replied "well you're both fertile myrtles you know she is going to get pregnant before you - just get over it" (something like that anyways). I told here that they aren't even trying and she said "if it's God's will for her to get pregnant first she will and you'll be okay with it" and I said no I'll be mad but I'll have to deal with it if it happens.

I think at that point she realized I was upset. She said "now you got yourself all fired up" and I'm sitting there going YOU DID THIS not me!

Oh my gosh I could just SCREAM!

How awful! The worst part is it isn't the first time that she said that to me! OBVIOUSLY this is not a conversation I want to have so shut up already!

Sadly I think that it would be easier for people to be happy for my sister. Even though their financial situation isn't the greatest I feel like no one will even worry about that with them. She doesn't have a history of loss so it will be easier to not be filled with worry over her pregnancy. The whole freaking church wants my sister to get pregnant and honestly being around people saying that makes me sick! They all know what I have been through and their rudeness and ignorance is really starting to piss me off!

It may sound bad but I am ready for a vacation from it all. For a few weeks I won't have to be around that. I'll go off to Florida with Nate and pretend those dumb freaking comments don't exist for awhile. Pretend that the world isn't full of idiots who can't wait to say things until I'm out of earshot. It would be one thing if they didn't know my history - but they do - and it's really offensive. It makes me sad and I'm so so so sick of being sad. It seems like whenever I am feeling okay with where I am and happy someone has to say something to take a big crap all over it. Well thanks a lot! The last thing I need right now is stupidity so please take it elsewhere!

Check out these two videos at the links below - they are by my favorite group Flyleaf:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC2ywyxFXO4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eztZ6mvWCcs


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I will love you forever Riley & Peyton! You mean the world to me and no one can take that away from me. Mommy and Daddy miss you very much!

The life of a grieving mother

It has been a hectic week. I was glad for that though because it made it easier to survive Peyton's due date (3/16/11), easier to be busy and unable to dwell on all the sadness of the day. That was a blessing.

This weekend had been good - still is I suppose - just had an off moment today. My husband's birthday was yesterday and on Friday and Saturday we celebrated and went out and got him free meals (Denny's, Moe's, Red Robin's) and went to the movies (Limitless & Adjustment Bureau - both were good but Limitless was fantastic!) and had a good time out with friends last night. I was exceptionally saddened though to hear of my sweet BLM friend's loss. She has now lost her second little one. Little Bee will be forever missed and it now with Valentina in Heaven. I am so devastated for her and she is in my prayers.

This morning I woke up far too tired but got up and ready for church. We arrived, found seats, and I was looking through the bulletin and saw that there was a sheet to fill out for memorial flowers. They do this every year for the Easter service and you can buy flowers in memory of someone that passed. I remember last year wishing that I had done that for Riley but we had stayed out of church for a month or so as I did not feel physically or emotionally ready to deal with those that did not know about Riley's passing. So we did not return in time to buy the flowers. So today I immediately decided I was doing this - and that was it - I filled out the sheet and the check and my sweet babies names will be in that bulletin. Everyone will read their names. They will know my sweet babies are loved.

I handled filling all that out gracefully - no tears - happy in having a way to remember my children. THEN the bomb was dropped. Our pastor announced that someone was pregnant. (Please realize I honestly AM so very happy for her I really am, it's just all so hard.) A friend of ours. A friend that I didn't even know was trying. Didn't even know they wanted children yet. A friend I am thrilled for but at the same time their joy immediately made me cry. I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. We go to a big church and I am bombarded by pregnant woman constantly. Many my age. Many who already have other children. Some who have many children and are younger than I am. I want children so bad and I have lost both of mine. People don't get it. If you have never lost a child YOU. DON'T. GET. IT.

There is no word to express the cruel nature of such loss. NO WORD TO ACCURATELY EXPRESS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE YOUR CHILDREN! There is physically no humanly possible way for me to EVER express to someone how gut wrenchingly awful it is. How it threatens to tear apart every fiber of your soul. How it is to see what you want most ripped from you TWICE within SIX MONTHS.... the awfulness is just impossible to explain.

This is my life. The life of a grieving mother. I don't believe it will ever be EASY to watch carefree pregnant women. That will never be easy for me. That will never be me. I am not part of that world. I never will be. That naive part of me is gone forever. Impossible to imagine me as that naive girl again. What would her world have been like? I will never know. That girl was not meant to be. There is no parallel universe where I am living somewhere happily bouncing my baby on my knee. I don't believe that. If I did it would be torture. Who would want to believe that? Nor do I believe that I am being punished and this is hell. I did nothing to deserve this. I don't think there is anything that anyone could do to deserve this... I believe there is a reason, and I may never know what that reason is. God had a plan. I will have a baby when I am meant to. I just wish there weren't so many baby bombs being dropped all over and blowing up in my face.

I survived. Came back in the room 10-15 mins. later. Sat down. Cried a little while listening to the rest of the sermon. Afterward I even found my friend and congratulated her. It was heartfelt. I really am happy. Just wish I had some happiness of my own in the same respect.

I just hope and pray that when that time DOES come that everyone I am close to handles it well. Happily. I will be upset if anyone has the gall to look scared that we can't financially support a child, etc. I. AM. NOT. WAITING. UNTIL. I. HAVE. MONEY. Money may "make the world go round" but it sure doesn't make a child's life better. Money doesn't buy happiness. I am not waiting because who knows what could happen. I want children. Hopefully more than one. And I will start trying when I can. If people plan to judge me they better get ready to see themselves OUT of my life. Judgements are not welcome here. Maybe I will wear that as a sign. Or get a shirt that says it.

Secretly I wish I could lock myself in a room until I am pregnant again. Sadly I doubt being pregnant will make any of these feelings go away. I think hearing baby news will always be hard, seeing pregnant bliss-filled woman will always be hard, getting invited to baby showers will always be hard. A pregnancy won't change that nor will a living baby on this Earth but sad feelings be damned. I want babies. I don't expect them to solve my lives problems. I just want to love them. And I will. I will love them here and in Heaven. For I will always have at least 2 children.

Their names are etched on my heart.

But there is room for more.....




Momma will always love you Riley & Peyton...

Preparing to be broken

I wonder sometimes if I were given the choice would I have wanted to know all the absolute misery that last year caused me.... would it have been easier somehow if I KNEW it was coming. But of course it wouldn't have been easier. Of course you can't PREPARE for the complete tragedy of losing your only children. There are no classes or exercises to prepare someone for that sort of life experience. There is only the aftermath. The classes and support and resources to help you grieve. I honestly don't think anyone could HELP me with that. I'm sure such classes wouldn't hurt me by any means but in all honesty the only way I get through it is to talk. To read. To live. There is no other way.

No other way for me anyways. I need to live my life. To speak my words and to make my babies proud. They were in my life on this earth for such a short time but what an impact! They have changed me and I live my life now to show that it is shared with Riley & Peyton. They are in my heart. My life is no longer just about me but about them too. I talk about them on this blog, whenever anyone comments on my jewelry for them, whenever I can. Why? Because they are just as real as any living child. They don't deserve to be ignored. Those who have told me to "move on" have no idea what they are talking about. Have no heart. There is nothing to move on from. I live, I journey through this life, WITH THEM. Anyone who has issue with that can feel free to "move on" and OUT of my life. PERIOD! I have survived the loss of my children but I will never move on and forget them...

People tell me all the time that I am so strong. What do you say to something like that really? It doesn't offend me by any means but I mean what am I expected to say? I made it through this loss. These surgeries. These horrors. I made it through because I have faith. I believe that God knows what's best and that He knew I would lose Riley & Peyton and he gave them to me because He knew I would always love them. And I will. My faith got me through it. I had a feeling that I NEEDED to go to a specialist or I would have another loss - and I was right. Had I not gone to my new doctor I would have most likely (90% chance) had another miscarriage. Faith. Without it I would be lost. I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be strong.

I've had a couple weeks now since surgery and for the most part I am better. I felt significantly better after getting that dumb balloon catheter out of my uterus and the stitches removed (which was AWFUL). The only issues I still have now are with weakness and temp.. I am usually always too warm but the past week or so has been worse. I get sweaty and feel faint quite easily. Not fun. Sometimes I need a ice pack to fall asleep. I don't in any way think I have a fever but it is no fun that's for sure. During those times I also tend to feel weak. I did however have a whole day out a couple days ago. Went to lunch, saw a movie, and went to a couple of stores. At the second store I got really hot and felt sick but upon reaching the freezing cold outdoors I felt better LOL.

My husband and I are hoping to buy tickets soon to go visit his family in Florida (most of whom he never met). So I have been trying to make art to sell on ebay to try and raise us some money for the trip. We'll see how that goes. But either way we are going and looking forward to that time. I want to make sure he meets them before we have children because obviously finances and what not will all change after that. I welcome that change :) That same month (June or around then) is when we can start TTC again. That will be exciting and scary at the same time.

Until then I am going to try my hardest to work my butt off on making things to sell and earn us some money for the trip. Also I have lost 19 lbs.! Yeaaa I got a lot more to lose and hope to lose as much as I can by June! I am proud of myself though :) It will be nice when I can start using my Kinect and having the energy to do that again. For now it's eating better :)

I am so happy for all you BLMs out there that are pregnant with your rainbows. I think of all my BLM friends every day. If you read this blog you most likely cross my mind on a regular basis. Those of you trying to get pregnant or who already are...please know that you are all in my prayers!

"When the world is insane
You get used to the pain and you don't even know what you feel
And I am like you, all alone and confused
But you know it's not forever

Time won't ever steal my soul and we're not broken
So please come home
And if the world has worn you down I'll be waiting
So please come home"



Riley & Peyton momma loves you so very much!

Surgery....septum resection scheduled...

Well what can I say I am an emotional wreck today. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It all started with a simple voice message on my phone when I woke up. My surgery is Feb. 10th NOT in Jan. like my doctor told me it could be. I'm not happy about it but if the last year taught me anything it's that I have no freaking control over this aspect of my life AT ALL. And you know what? That really freaking makes me mad! I have learned now that when my doctor thinks something should be able to fit in a month I should just ASSUME it will not be until the following month. He obviously has no idea how booked he is or how many vacation days he takes (which all OF COURSE coincide with when I need a procedure).

When I needed my HSG it should have been in Oct. but he was on vacation, another doctor was on vacation, and the third on in the practice was booked. So the HSG was scheduled for the following month with one of the other docs in the practice because again he was on vacation. So I ask why this surgery can't be in Jan. and she tells me two Thurs. he is on vacation and the others are booked (I shouldn't have asked - hearing more 'vacations' after hearing the same thing since Sept. just made me mad). He is a great doctor mind you he has been very proactive with everything which I love and he has done TONS of septate uterus resections. But I wish he'd stop taking his freaking vacations when I need crap done! GRRR!

So now I have to wait out the next month to get this surgery done. I am NOT looking forward to it at all - specifically the recovery. I posted something in the group I am in on yahoo (with other women who have uterus abnormalities of different types) about the surgery. From the sounds of it the first week sucks. They put carbon dioxide into your body and when the surgery is over there is a build up of gar until the gar absorbs into your body - SO - your entire right side can be in a lot of pain - FUN wow - NOT! Well the doctors all tell you after a week you should be better but it sounds like that recovery time varies GREATLY. One women even said it took her a month to feel better! GEESH! So needless to say I am nervous and I wish I had LESS time to be nervous! Much less time! Oh well...

I just get so overwhelmed! I HATE having no control and I HATE not knowing how anything will go and I HATE that even in the far future if I get a positive pregnancy test I will STILL be worried that I will have a miscarriage. I hate that even if we could try again I would be judged because of job issues and money issues and people thinking we can't afford to have a child. I hate that in the future when I am pregnant again (God willing) that I will STILL worry that people will judge me because ya know what? We will probably not be financially stable for awhile but that isn't going to stop me from having a baby! And why should it? Why can't the people in my life believe that if God wants us to have a baby and He gives us a baby on this Earth then He will also help us PROVIDE for that baby. I wish those people would HAVE SOME FAITH IN THAT!!

I hate that I will literally have to wait until April or maybe even May (essentially half a year almost) to TTC again a whole freaking 9 MONTHS from when I lost Peyton to TTC again! Man that sucks. I mean I am happy that we found out I have a septum and that it can be fixed and all of that PLEASE realize that I am blessed to know this... but the fact that Riley's due date has passed and Riley's angel date with pass and Peyton's due date will all pass before we can try again - well it's just so sad.

When I was in high school I thought I would be married and have 2 kids by the time I was 30. Obviously not going to happen. I'll be 30 in July and if we can't TTC until April or May obviously no child is possible before I'm 30. So anyways when I got married right before turning 27 I was still thinking we would have one child before I was 30 (again obviously not going to happen). Now I just want to have a baby SO badly - I wish I could feel confident that when I was pregnant that I would definitely have a living child on this Earth. I'm glad I am not naive and that I's not one of those women that thinks that loss will never happen to them. I am glad I am not that but I still want a baby and waiting so long to even try is just so hard. Sure I'll get used to it - but just like getting used to grief - I don't have to LIKE it!

There are FAR too many people I know IRL who are pregnant! While I am happy for them and OF COURSE wish no ill will on them or their little ones I have decided that Facebook is evil and I want to kill statuses every time I see them. Needless to say those people are hidden from my wall so that the evil that is Facebook will not throw their baby updates in front of my sensitive eyes! Well I didn't hide one of these people until recently... she said (sorry if this friend reads my blog but this upset me) "So many people are pregnant" and how cool that was and that 5 of her friends from church were all pregnant and that there must be a baby bug in the air.... HA! Wasn't THAT fun to read! NOPE it sucked! I just have this selfish fear that everyone I know will be pregnant before I will be. I know it may sound mean to those that are not BLMs but to those that are...I think you get it. It's not that I wish sadness on others or loss I just want babies!

I don't have a whole lot of positivity in me at this hour but I will add what small bit of positivity I have bled out of today...

Not being able to TTC for awhile gives me time to lose weight and get my body healthier.
The surgery (even pushed later) is at a time where I will have time to recover before I throw my sister's wedding shower a month later.
Thank goodness I work in a day to day job of subbing right now - if I had a regular job I would be worried about recovery time and what not.

These lyrics hit me the other day... I have to realize that maybe my prayers NOT being answered are really the best...

Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Here's a link to a Youtube video of the song if you've never heard it: Unanswered Prayers

Also this made me smile - thanks to Trena for listing something from the site - it helped me find this I hope I someday have it in my house...it's not expensive - but money is tight these days.

I hope there is someone - whether it be angel, family, or friend that embraces my Riley & Peyton everyday for me!

If you read this whole post I love you and I thank you.....

Riley & Peyton I miss you an extra amount today... my heart is heavy from missing you. I think of you always and love you more than I can ever express... Love, Mommy


Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.  - Isaiah 54:4