Thursday, May 24, 2012

Right where I am 2012: 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, etc....

Angie at Still Life with Circles started started a project called  Right Where I Am - where babyloss parents can share about their grief journey at this point in that walk... it's beautiful and I thank her for creating it so that I may be a part of it and read of others who participate as well. This is my post from last year.

2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks (since we lost Riley)
1 year, 9 months, 5 days (since we lost Peyton)
7 months, 1 week, 3 days (since we lost Cameron)

My grief journey has changed since my post a year ago for this project. In a way I grieve more, but certainly differently. My rainbow baby, Logan Charles, was born on April 29, 2012. He is a pure blessing and a miracle! I will never be able to explain in words how much he means to me. The pregnancy was originally twins but sadly as you can see from above we lost Cameron (somewhere between 10-14 weeks into the pregnancy). That is where my grief journey really took a turn because I was devastated that day beyond words. I had felt like we were being doubly blessed after losing our first two children. That twins were a sign that all would be well, etc. At 7 weeks along when we saw both heartbeats I truly thought all would continue to be well throughout the pregnancy. 7 weeks later that all just crashed and burned. When they did the ultrasound I did not see two babies like I should have.... I knew something was wrong. The tech showed us little baby b (Cameron) who was only now measuring 7 weeks even at the 14 week appt. and of course had no heartbeat. Baby b (Cameron) was gone. My husband and I were bawling at this point and I just needed to know how the other baby was doing. After what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was only seconds I'm sure) she showed us Logan's heartbeat. She went on to tell us he was measuring well and looked perfectly healthy.

That day was quite the turn in my journey. My husband was very upset and couldn't understand why I wasn't MORE upset than I was. I had cried quite a bit of course but I KNEW that I had to keep it together and to not over stress my body and cause harm to my sweet baby a (Logan). I distinctly remember feeling badly that I was not grieving Cameron in the same way that I had grieved Riley and Peyton. Did this make me a bad mom? But I soon realized of course it didn't.... my instinct took over and I KNEW that I had to handle this grief in a different manner, I am a VERY emotional person and I knew it could cause harm to my pregnancy if I was to get too upset over the loss of Cameron. My husband understood this in the end of course and throughout the pregnancy we were terrified that something bad was going to happen. Ultrasounds will ALWAYS be a scary thing for us because other than literally TWO ultrasounds (both with my last pregnancy after losing Cameron) there has always been a loss.... my husband hates ultrasounds and they terrify me as well. We feel we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't want to blabber on as I did last year (I make no promises but I don't WANT to blabber lol)....

A month before finding out I was pregnant last year I lost my Nana. She was an extremely important person in my life and always will be. I am happy that she is watching my babies in Heaven but as with all losses I selfishly wish she were here to hold and love Logan. My Papa is visiting on Saturday and when mentioning that to my husband I said " Nana and Papa....." and I just started crying..... I still feel like she's here sometimes and I cry as I write this because the loss (as with my babies) just seems like it will always be so new, so fresh, so unbearably raw. Other than my babies she is the greatest loss I have ever dealt with... throughout my pregnancy I would have dreams of her and just cry when I woke up knowing she wouldn't be here to meet Logan. I think I may always cry when I think of her and my babies.... and that's okay...

I am an emotional person... always have been, always will be and that is something I will never apologize for... I am not ashamed of it is any way. I know your body is weighed down with hormones during and after pregnancy but I think Logan has just brought on a whole wealth of new emotions to me. I am a mommy. I have been for two years but now I am a mommy to the WORLD. They can see that. I had my first Mother's Day where I was acknowledged as a mother. Having a living child in my life has, in a way, made my grief more acute. Looking at him makes me realize how precious and perfect my little ones in Heaven must be, makes me realize all that I lost. Makes it more real in a way, though I can't really explain what I mean by that. I cry more often then I used to. Not the baby blues or anything like that. Sometimes I cry happy tears because I feel soooo blessed to just have a baby to love and snuggle and hold in my arms... just looking at him can make me cry tears of joy. Other times I cry because I don't want people to think that he healed my heart completely and that Riley, Peyton, and Cameron are not important to me.... they ALWAYS will be. Sometimes I cry because, well, I'm an overwhelmed and tired mommy (as I'm sure all moms do at times). Basically at this point (we'll see if the hormones are to blame in time) I cry more for my losses, for the gift and blessing of my rainbow baby, for my Nana..... I will not apologize. I am a babyloss mommy and a rainbow mommy. I love all my children equally even though I can't love them all here on Earth in my arms...

Bless you all for reading this... I pray that your journey of grief be as peaceful as possible....

My tattoo for my babies...I sadly have to add Cameron to it still...

Riley, Peyton, Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you so very much. We will tell your brother all about you! Watch over him and send us peace, love, and many hugs and kisses every day. Give Nana a big hug for mommy. We love you all dearly...


  1. Thank you so much for writing this, Jessica. Congratulations on your new baby and I'm so sorry his brother isn't here with you. I love what you said about crying showing the world that you aren't healed by your new baby. I felt that way too when my rainbow baby was born. It was not controllable, as such, but it was everything. The joy and the grief in one outburst. Thank you again for participating. With love. xo

  2. Thank you for sharing where you are. I like how you said Logan shows the world that you are a mom, how nice it is for everyone to know. You are a wonderful mother to all of your babies.

  3. When I was pregnant with my son (who is now 3 years old), my Dad died, just 3 weeks before my son was born. To say I was broken hearted would be a massive understatement, but I could feel shutters coming down, and I knew it was to protect my unborn child. I told my husband that it was like having my grief on the other side of a glass wall. I could see it and recognise it, but it was being held back from me. I think maybe this is what you are describing during your pregnancy.
    We lost our baby 27 days ago and although I wish to think of her with my Dad, I am just not there yet.
    I am so sorry your babies had to leave too soon, and I can only imagine the joy you must feel holding your precious little Logan.

  4. "Having a living child my my grief more acute" - I totally get this. Remembering Riley, Peyton and Cameron with you. <3

  5. WIshing you much joy with Logan and honoring Peyton, Cameron, and Riley. Thank you for sharing where you are.

  6. Thanks for sharing this post, Jessica. Your words bring back strong memories of the year following my rainbow baby's birth when I cried more than I had since the first year after my son's death. I am so glad that Logan is in your arms and bringing you smiles and tears. So much love to you and your family.

  7. Jessica, I'm so pleased to read of your dear Logan's arrival but I am so sad to read of the loss of your three children, Riley, Peyton and Cameron.

    I think I understand why you found it difficult to grieve for Cameron. I also lost one of twins and there is an element of forcing yourself to keep going on, as calmly as possible, for the sake of your surviving baby. It must have particularly difficult having lost your dear Nana so shortly before finding out you were pregnant, so many emotions to deal with.

    I also cried a lot after the arrival of my subsequent baby, as I knew what I had missed out on, that healthy birth and snuggling and all those wonderful things. There is no need to apologize, I think our tears come from love and there is never any need to apologize for that xo

  8. Written so beautifully!! Im so glad you have your sweet Logan and you do a great job remembering your other babies! Big hugs mama!

  9. I love your tattoo. I'm so sorry you have to add to it.
    Glad you took part in Angie's project. You've endured so much loss, and for that I am so sorry.

  10. Thank you for stopping by my blog... as sad as it is to lose our little ones, it eases the pain somewhat to know that they are all together somewhere and that your Riley and my Gabrielle were born a day apart. May they be playing happily somewhere. My heart goes out to you and all that you've been through... love always xoxo

  11. I am so sorry your beautiful babies are not in your arms. I can only dream of the joy that Logan brings you. Thinking of you and Logan, remembering Riley, Peyton and Cameron.

  12. thanks for sharing where you are sorry for your losses, i can understand that it is a balance of grief and joy.

  13. Welcome to Logan!

    Yes, the rainbow baby brings so many good and strong and difficult emotions. I am so glad that Logan made it safely...

    Thank you for posting Right Where You Are

  14. This was so beautiful and touching to read. I am so sorry for your losses. To lose a twin while pregnant, as well, must have been very hard. But it sounds like you were so strong for Logan. I look forward to reading more about your journey as your family moves forward.

  15. Visiting from Angies site. Just wanted to say that your strength in doing what you had to for Logan is truly humbling. Huge congratulations on your beautiful boy and prayers for your other darlings. x

  16. Thank you for posting as well. I'm so sorry for your losses.

    Your tattoo is beautiful. What a stunning tribute to your children. I'm sorry that you have to add Cameron's name to it.

    I remember the early days after my second daughter arrived and those moments that were a blend of sorrow and joy at the same time.

    Remembering Riley, Peyton, and Cameron. ♥

  17. Beautiful post, Jessica.

    I am so happy for you that you have your sweet rainbow here. But, I know you are still missing your other babies. I think it makes perfect sense that you are realizing more with him here what you are missing out on. What a journey you've had.

    I, too, love your tattoo! I've been thinking about getting one for Lily for a long time. Hmm, still unsure.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Much love and hugs,
    Hannah Rose

  18. I'm so pleased that Logan is here safely and so sorry that his precious siblings are not. I also found the grief became more acute when my rainbow baby was born - he looked so very like her, it made my heart sing and break all at the same time.

    Thank you for sharing where you are.

  19. there's so much here and I am truly sorry that you lost your three babies, Riley, Peyton, and Cameron. I'm remembering them along with you. As a twinloss mom, it's Cameron that will stick with me and the extra work you had to do to stay calm and centered for Logan. My heart really aches for you. I wish you'd had an easier path.

  20. Hey Jessica. Thanks for taking part in this project...I am slowly making my way through all of them. I am so happy to read of Logan's birth, just a week before our son was born.

    This was a beautiful post about your other sons too.

    Peace and love as you navigate these first few months with your Logan.


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