Monday, May 21, 2012

The past couple weeks....

Logan's birth announcement - I made it myself!!! :)

When "they" say a baby changes everything, "they" aren't kidding! Now I have no idea who THEY are - but you get where I'm coming from....everyone always says get your sleep cause you'll never sleep in again! Go out and have fun, because that's all about to end. Enjoy some movies now because it will be all cartoons soon. Blah blah blah so on and so forth. You get the gist.....

First off I don't see how getting plenty of sleep before I had Logan helps me now that he's doesn't that's dumb advice LOL... Secondly, I find it VERY hard to believe that we will never be able to go out and have fun again - sure we'll miss our son but I think it's important to a marriage for the husband and wife to have their time those that gave that advice I simply ignore....I digress.... people MEAN WELL they just come off as making parenthood seem like this horrible slavery to your child. It's weird.

Nonetheless, the past couple weeks have not, I repeat, NOT been easy. I know, I know, who expected it to be? Well, I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it has been. A lot of this of course is do to lack of sleep. Men you see have this way about them, or at least my husband does.... he can sleep like a rock! Well, I certainly CAN'T - not even a little bit. I was a light sleeper BEFORE Logan was born - and it has not improved. Every little noise he makes can wake me up. We tried the crib and for one time per night (for only 2 hours total on 2 nights) he managed to sleep then that all went away. People say to let them cry it out and soothe themselves and I may be able to do that in the future but not now. I worry about my baby and this mama can not handle letting him bawl his eyes out. Just. Can't. Do. It.....not yet.

So when we brought Logan home the idea was to put him in the crib when he slept/ I mentioned that did not go well. So then I was sleeping in the living room with him in his swing for a few nights. He seems to need to be on a bit of an incline (probably do to reflux issues....I'll explain THAT in a minute) so my sister said our two friends (who also recently had babies) LOVED the Rock N Play.... so THAT is what we got :) that is what he currently sleeps in and boy is that a lifesaver! We can have it in our bedroom unlike the massive swing which was NOT coming back and forth down our hallway! So it was nice the past week or so to actually sleep in our bed again. Still though the first couple days it was a bit hard to sleep because babies move a lot in their sleep at times (Logan does for sure!) and those little movements and noises wake mommy up. Alas, I am getting used to it and sleeping better through all that.

Another thing that really was hard to handle was coming to the realization that I could not breastfeed :*( I was (and still am) rather upset about that. When I was told to give up and do formula it was a day or two filled with many tears. I wanted what was best for my baby and he was such a good nurser and I felt like it was some nasty trick that my milk never came in. That yet again my body was betraying me. Well, when Logan was about 12 days old I called my doc and asked if there was any chance my milk would come in. She said given everything I had tried: pumping, consistent feedings, medicine, etc. that if it hadn't come in yet then it wasn't going to.... so I got out the formula sample container the hospital gave us as a "gift" and gave him his first bottle....crying the whole time. It was an exhausting couple of days and very hard for me to deal with but for the most part I am quite fine with it all now.

Last Wednesday all hell broke loose....maybe a bit dramatic but let's just say it was NOT GOOD! Little Logan was spitting up (more like throwing up as it was SO MUCH formula) so much - at a couple different times he soaked right through all his clothes in a matter of seconds. It was coming out his nose, he would scream in pain. IT WAS TERRIFYING!!! So I called his pediatrician and they brought us in and he wasn't worried because Logan gained weight. Well the rest of the day he would barely eat, didn't sleep good, and still was spitting up a ton. So the next day I called back and said something needed to be done! So the doc told me I could change his formula. We changed to a broken down formula for sensitive tummies. He started improving quickly - ate more, slept better, it's been great!! The doctor wrote a script so that the formula would be covered by WIC which is a real blessing to say the least! It's specialty formula so it's expensive and while I (OF COURSE) would have paid for it no matter what to make Logan better it is nice to have some help with it too!

Sleeping is still a bit of an issue for me. My husband wants to put Logan in his own room but I just don't have that in me yet. I think I'll be able to handle it when he's closer to 2 months. With the scary spit up situations and what not I just can't handle something awful like that happening when I'm not RIGHT THERE to pick him up. I'm a worried mama and I knew that I would be. I have been waiting years for my baby boy and I reserve the right to be a worried mother!

It has been rough - my friends who recently had babies tell me it gets easier...we shall see. I know that I will survive this... I love being a mom but the emotional turmoil is not something that one can be prepared for and I admit it's a bit much for me at moments. My husband doesn't have to deal with the crying or middle of the night feedings, etc. like I do and sometimes I just get aggravated and I am relieved when he is here so I can just hand him Logan so someone else can try to calm him down. Now, mind you, this is not a day to day problem there are days when he is perfectly lovely but there are days when he gets FAR too tired and screams because of it. In moments like this when he ate a ton, diaper is clean, he's getting plenty of snuggles, no temperature, etc. and he STILL cries... those are the moments where he just has to calm himself down. I hate those moments because I feel like a failed mom that I can't calm my baby down. The first fail moment was breast feeding and then the screaming and then the not being able to let him sleep in his room. UGH! It's hard to not beat myself up and then I read articles that say "you need to get your rest because babies can't bond well with a burnt out mom" well GEEZ THANKS! So now not only am I emotional and tired but this freaking article makes me feel like my child won't love me unless I'm well rested. Guess I'm screwed... or they're idiots.... we'll go with they're idiots for sanity's sake! PLEASE don't take this post as a complaint and me not feeling blessed for my baby boy and my wonderful new life. I just wanted to update the reality of what I have gone through. I am in no way depressed, nor do I have the baby blues, I'm just a new mom realizing that it's not easy....

Well, that's the update for now everyone. Little man was grumpy an hour ago and shall soon wake up to eat.  Hopefully his constipation will go away with the doc's advice. Poor little guy doesn't poop for a day or two and then POW tons and tons of poop! Sometimes it's rather comical like when I changed his diaper and as soon as I go to change it he starts grunting and KEEPS GOING lol! He's quite the character and his poop grunts are beyond hilarious ;) although I feel bad cause it must hurt the poor little guy! Either way here's hoping a big poop is coming on so Logan can feel relieved! Here's also hoping that it happens when I change his diaper - as his daddy is a wimp and would probably wake me up to do it which would NOT make me happy!

Lastly, I can't believe my little man is already over 3 weeks old!!! YIKES! On a positive note....I now only weigh 5 lbs. more than before I got pregnant - woo hoo!!!

My baby all snazzy for Mother's Day

After his first sponge bath

More pics coming soon....I am far too tired to upload them right now!

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you and miss you and wish you were here to love Logan. I know that you send your love and peace to us daily and I hope you feel our love for you. I'm glad you have Nana to love you because it helps mommy feel better that someone so VERY special to me gets to watch my most special angels. One day we will meet and be one huge happy family... until then hold each other close my loves and give Nana hugs and kisses from me, Logan, and mom (your grandma) EVERY DAY! I love you all more than words could ever say and sometimes the loss I feel is just overwhelming. Your brother is a blessing and I thank God every day for him but you all will always be missing from my heart and I will always carry you in it. As my favorite book says "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby(babies) you'll be." I've read that to your brother recently and I can't get through it without crying. I hope you can hear me reading it to, that way it's like I'm reading it to my whole family. I love you my angels... and I always will. 


  1. He is precious. Congratulations! I am so sorry about the breat feeding, I know it's upsetting but you have him and that is a big blessing. So glad you found a formula that keeps his tummy happy. Take it one day at a time. Having a baby in the house is a huge adjustment. God Bless.

  2. I think you are doing a GREAT job!! The first month is just...hard...and then it's hard after that too but you get more of a balance and confidence with them...I PROMISE!! Just keeping going with your instincts and you will do the right thing. Jack had to sleep upright for almost two dont worry about him not sleeping in his crib. As for letting him cry it out...he is much too young for that right now. You will learn more about him each day and what he needs and wants. Keep up the great work Mama!!

  3. Hey mama, you're doing awesome. When I had my rainbow, the first 3 months were through most challenging, I thought to myself there is no way I'm having anymore kids. She is 8 months now and if I am blessed with more children I would have another 10. It gets does get easier and it gets more amazing each day. That is the down fall with FF, I would pray that my little one would poop, LOL, she's regular now starting on solids. Love the announcement, what a cutie! Don't know if you know but the book "Love you forever" is written in memory of the author's two first children who were stillborn, I love the book and have a copy in my angel's memory box. Try to get more sleep and give Logan lots of kisses because your angels feel those kisses too. Hugs, B
    P.S. THEY are from THEY UNIVERSITY for course (LOL that's what I always say)

  4. Oh Jessica, it is all so new the first few months of all this mothering, I agree with not letting him cry it out, I held my babies and comforted them even with colic and crying, they need you.
    Also my babies would not go poop for days at a time, this does not mean constipation, it takes time for solids to build up in his system if you look at it he is on a liquid diet, so do not stress on that either.
    I think you have wonderful instincts and I would go with them.

    Oh one more thing having children does not ruin your life it makes it so much better... and yes go out with your husband and strengthen your marriage it will make you a better mommy in the long run!!!

  5. Hold him and cuddle him as much as you possibly can/want, it goes by so so so fast!! And don't worry about him sleeping in his own room, all 3 of mine stated in my room for at least 4 months... It's easier that way :)

  6. Oh! And by the way... He's absolutely adorable :)

  7. You're doing a wonderful job, mama! Goodness, it's hard. I stressed about sleep SO much with B, but he sleeps in his crib just fine now. He wasn't ready to self soothe until he was 8 months old. Now he puts himself to sleep for most naps and night sleeps with minimal fussing. Logan needs you right now, he is used to being a part of you! The overwhelming exhaustion is tough. Hang in there! And don't read any baby books! Trust your instincts, you're his mama, you know him best!

  8. He's a total sweetie Jess. I'm sorry that you had such a hard time with bfing and that your body wouldn't cooperate. And you are totally right to not consider letting Logan cry it out at this point. Newborns cry because they NEED something, they have to learn to sooth themselves when they get older.

  9. Logan Carles, Auntie Mary says go easy on Mommy! You are the cutest little stinker in the world though:):) I love you so much! Tell Mommy to give you a hug and a kiss for me. I sure wish I could be there to do it myself. Then I could help Mommy out too. I could rock you and sing to you and walk with you so that Mommy could get a little rest while Daddy is at work. Tell Mommy that I love her too and that I will talk to her soon. Lots of love Sweetie Pie:)
    Auntie Mary

  10. Jessica, I am so happy for you that Logan is here safe and sound. 3 weeks already! Wow, time flies much too quickly (Jude is almost 10 months old!) I couldn't let Jude cry it out when he was tiny, so you're not alone there! And I, too, was unable to breastfeed Jude for a number of reasons and it broke my heart. I felt like it was another thing I lost. I have gotten used to it, but sometimes feel like I'm supposed to feel guilty about it. That's something I'm working on. Don't listen to those articles, Logan loves you already! You are a great Mommy, so don't give it a second thought. ;) I like what you said about how people try making parenthood out to be a horrible slavery to your child. I am constantly bothered by the attitude that children are such a burden and inconvenience. Yes, it's a challenge, but it's a blessing and always worth it. <3 So glad your blessing is here. He is so beautiful!!

  11. Congrats on the new bundle of joy! He is so precious.

    The first few months with a new baby are just plain brutal. Especially to women like you and me who already have anxiety issues. Add to that the post-partum, and it gets to be pretty difficult. But your friends who say it gets better are right. Once your little guy hits about 3 months, it will all change and become easier. Then with each passing month, he will get to be more and more fun and will require less work and worry.

    You're doing a great job. You're doing the best that you can, and that is all you can do.

    Sending loads of love!

  12. Congratulations Mama! I'm SO HAPPY for you. Parenting is the biggest challenge there is, and has the biggest rewards. The first three months are definitely the biggest adjustment. Your hubby's job is to take care of you, as you take the best care you can of Logan.
    If you have any questions, or want to talk/vent, let me know. I used to teach workshops and coach new parents. I can give you all sorts of scientific reasons why Logan is too young to "cry it out" but trust your instincts on that one. Babies are designed to wake up a lot at night and being close to (in the same room as) mama and daddy helps keep them alive. It literally regulates their heartbeat and breathing and helps prevent SIDS. (And yep, there's science to back that up too).
    As for the screaming - there are lots of reasons that could be happening but one of them (since he clearly has a sensitive stomach) is that there's something in the formula (like dairy if it's dairy-based) that is giving him gas pain. There are SO many reasons babies cry and what you need to remember is it's not necessarily a bad thing as long as he's been held and touched and talked to and loved. Once you've covered the basics (i.e. he's got a clean diaper, he's not hungry, there's nothing bothering his skin, he's not over-tired) then take lots of deep breaths and tell him it's okay to cry. The psychology of babies is so new, but they're discovering incredible awareness even in utero. He could be releasing some trauma from losing his twin even...there are things we will never know and can't even imagine at this point. Trust those mama instincts. Sleep when he sleeps. Life isn't over, it's just gonna be really different for a while.
    Sending you big mama love.

  13. Congratulations. He is beautiful!

    Your letter to Riley, Peyton, & Cameron brought tears to my eyes. It was so touching.


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