Thursday, February 24, 2011

Preparing to be broken

I wonder sometimes if I were given the choice would I have wanted to know all the absolute misery that last year caused me.... would it have been easier somehow if I KNEW it was coming. But of course it wouldn't have been easier. Of course you can't PREPARE for the complete tragedy of losing your only children. There are no classes or exercises to prepare someone for that sort of life experience. There is only the aftermath. The classes and support and resources to help you grieve. I honestly don't think anyone could HELP me with that. I'm sure such classes wouldn't hurt me by any means but in all honesty the only way I get through it is to talk. To read. To live. There is no other way.

No other way for me anyways. I need to live my life. To speak my words and to make my babies proud. They were in my life on this earth for such a short time but what an impact! They have changed me and I live my life now to show that it is shared with Riley & Peyton. They are in my heart. My life is no longer just about me but about them too. I talk about them on this blog, whenever anyone comments on my jewelry for them, whenever I can. Why? Because they are just as real as any living child. They don't deserve to be ignored. Those who have told me to "move on" have no idea what they are talking about. Have no heart. There is nothing to move on from. I live, I journey through this life, WITH THEM. Anyone who has issue with that can feel free to "move on" and OUT of my life. PERIOD! I have survived the loss of my children but I will never move on and forget them...

People tell me all the time that I am so strong. What do you say to something like that really? It doesn't offend me by any means but I mean what am I expected to say? I made it through this loss. These surgeries. These horrors. I made it through because I have faith. I believe that God knows what's best and that He knew I would lose Riley & Peyton and he gave them to me because He knew I would always love them. And I will. My faith got me through it. I had a feeling that I NEEDED to go to a specialist or I would have another loss - and I was right. Had I not gone to my new doctor I would have most likely (90% chance) had another miscarriage. Faith. Without it I would be lost. I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be strong.

I've had a couple weeks now since surgery and for the most part I am better. I felt significantly better after getting that dumb balloon catheter out of my uterus and the stitches removed (which was AWFUL). The only issues I still have now are with weakness and temp.. I am usually always too warm but the past week or so has been worse. I get sweaty and feel faint quite easily. Not fun. Sometimes I need a ice pack to fall asleep. I don't in any way think I have a fever but it is no fun that's for sure. During those times I also tend to feel weak. I did however have a whole day out a couple days ago. Went to lunch, saw a movie, and went to a couple of stores. At the second store I got really hot and felt sick but upon reaching the freezing cold outdoors I felt better LOL.

My husband and I are hoping to buy tickets soon to go visit his family in Florida (most of whom he never met). So I have been trying to make art to sell on ebay to try and raise us some money for the trip. We'll see how that goes. But either way we are going and looking forward to that time. I want to make sure he meets them before we have children because obviously finances and what not will all change after that. I welcome that change :) That same month (June or around then) is when we can start TTC again. That will be exciting and scary at the same time.

Until then I am going to try my hardest to work my butt off on making things to sell and earn us some money for the trip. Also I have lost 19 lbs.! Yeaaa I got a lot more to lose and hope to lose as much as I can by June! I am proud of myself though :) It will be nice when I can start using my Kinect and having the energy to do that again. For now it's eating better :)

I am so happy for all you BLMs out there that are pregnant with your rainbows. I think of all my BLM friends every day. If you read this blog you most likely cross my mind on a regular basis. Those of you trying to get pregnant or who already are...please know that you are all in my prayers!

"When the world is insane
You get used to the pain and you don't even know what you feel
And I am like you, all alone and confused
But you know it's not forever

Time won't ever steal my soul and we're not broken
So please come home
And if the world has worn you down I'll be waiting
So please come home"

Riley & Peyton momma loves you so very much!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Post-op appointment

Yesterday I finally had the long awaited post-op appointment! It was a long five days to get to that appointment believe me!

The doctor came in and asked me how everything went with a balloon catheter and I said not great it was the bane of my existence the past 5 days. He thought that was funny and said he was sorry that it gave me such issues. I told him if anything it should make it really easy to take out - and it was... THEN came the dreaded removal of the stitches. My incisions had been the main cause of my pain since surgery so I knew the removal of them was going to incredibly suck!

He removed the stitches from the right incision first and said the stitches were "buried" so it hurt like hell to get those taken out - to say the least. Then came the belly button stitch removal - this had been my most painful incision (still is) - so I was dreading this to say the least! It took him at least 5 minutes of poking around my belly button with scissors to get the dumb stitch out. He said the resident did the stitches to tight either that or there was just more swelling than usual which was making it hard to take out. Either way it sucked. Luckily the removal of the stitches from the left incision was easy - or I just didn't notice because my belly button hurt so bad LOL.

Either way it is done and in 2 months or so hopefully there will be a beautiful normal looking uterus on the screen of my next HSG! It seems like such a long long wait but I am excited for that day :)

I would write more but just as I was going to write this post I started to feel crappy again. I still feel very weak and can't do much without feeling sick so I am taking it easy. I figure after another week (hopefully) I will be good as new - minus some new scars ;)

It is all well worth it of course!

Much love to you all and thank you for your sweet comments, thoughts, and prayers.

(p.s. - the rude BLM from the last post was no one from this lovely blogging community. It was a BLM I knew in real life - who thank goodness moved away.)

Sweet Riley - a year ago we had blood results confirm that you had left us and were in Heaven. The doctor had made it quite clear that we should not be hopeful so we had begun to grieve you Valentine's Day weekend but it was still hard to hear. We will always love you and never forget you! Many many people thought of you on 2/11 even though mommy and daddy couldn't leave the house to do anything we were thinking of you every second. We love you and Peyton more than I could ever explain to you or to anyone. You mean the world to us.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The ignorance of people & Riley's angelversary

First of all I would like to say that I miss my babies dearly and I always will. No matter I lost how many ignorant people decide to impart their judgement and arrogant nonsense opinions on me I will ALWAYS remember them!

A year ago today I found out I had lost my sweet baby Riley. My life changed forever that day and I lost the naive carefree girl I once was. Such a loss adds years to your life and heaviness to your heart. Really no one can fully understand that unless they have also lost a child. I realized first hand today that even some BLMs are ignorant too.

I (as many BLMs do) started an "event" on Facebook that just asked people to remember Riley for one minute today or to light a candle if they could. I can't leave the house given I am recovering from my surgery so I thought it would be nice to have others remember Riley since I can't leave the house and do a balloon release like I would have liked to.

So I see that a "friend" and BLM that I worked with at one point and just had a baby chose to "not attend" befor getting mad about it I wrote her and said:

"Just wanted to say congratulations on your baby!
I saw you choose to NOT attend my event for my baby? All I want people to do is light a candle or even think about my child for a second on 2/11 so I don't really understand the not attending? May I ask why you did that?"

THIS was her response (that I got to read while in physical pain from surgery & overly emotional given lack of sleep and the fact that I lost Riley a year ago today):

"I don't want to be rude or anything. I know what is like to have two miscarriages, but in my opinion you need to get past it. I know you want to remember them, but don't understand why you constantly remind yourself of what happened. I guess I just cope differently. I felt better just forgetting what happened even before I was able to successfully conceive. I grieved for a few days and it was over. I felt better mentally and emotionally just putting it behind me. There is nothing I could do to change it so why keep thinking about it. It would only make me more sad.

I am also not very religious, so the nature of your event makes me uncomfortable.

I hope I didn't offend you, but I gave you my honest opinion. Please understand where I am coming from and its nothing against you.

I hope you are recovering well from your surgery, I just saw your post about that."

after responding with this:

"I figured you should understand because you had lost a child but I guess as you explained I was wrong. The was an exceptionally rude and nasty thing to say to me especially after I went through this surgery and a year after I lost my baby. Yes, you did offend me. A lot. This event has nothing to do with religion other than the fact that I believe my children are in Heaven. So I suppose it would be easy to forget my children if I thought they did not exist. If you believe they don't exist then I'm sure it was easier to get over. That is not the case for me and it makes me sad if that is the case for you.
I will recover just fine. Thank you. Good luck with your future."

Trust me when I say that is NOT what I wanted to say at first. But honestly why stoop to the level of being nasty? It wasn't worth it. Never is. I find it hilarious the vibe I got from the message where it seems like she thinks it makes her a better mom to have gotten over her losses. Absolutely insane. I don't "remind myself" of my babies because they were never forgotten. If they can't live on Earth they can at least live through my words and thoughts. And there is NOTHING bad or unhealthy about that!

Nonetheless I just had to get that out but I am in a lot of pain now so I must be off. Recovery is anything but fun especially on such a hard day. My heart is heavy.

I miss you Riley, and I always will...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Home and recovering

Please excuse and typos as I am laying down while typing and can barely see the keyboard LOL

Surgery went well today. They removed the septum - my doctor said I did great - and a cyst was removed from my left tube also. I will ask more about this on TUesday I was half out of it when he told me today :)

I have three small incisions. One practically in my belly button, and one below that to the left and right. These are not fun especially when I have to bend to get off the couch. ICK! However I would say the worst part of this ordeal will be the balloon catheter in my uterus. For one my uterus does not want to be that stretched out so I am crampy and secondly the tube from the catheter is coiled up down there and the tube pops out whenever I go to the bathroom. Sitting is not the most comfy this with this sucker! Also there is pain from the carbon dioxide still inside me - it will take a couple days to absorb and my doc told me it may feel like I am having a heart attack but I'm not LOL

Soo I am recovering and thank God I have pain medication! Whew! There was a lovely resident that was very interested in my case who I explained everything too. She was kind as were all the staff at the hospital. I am glad this is over and hopefully in 2011 I will find out I am pregnant with a rainbow that will grace us on Earth in 2012. For now it is time to recover my butt off (or my uterus in this case) and get my uterus lining all healthy until summer time :)

Much love to you all thank you for thinking of me! If you don't hear from me for a bit please know I am around but resting up :)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Surgery... soon to be septum free...

Surgery is Thursday morning at 10 am (EST). I had blood work done on Friday and today I met with the doctor for him to further explain the surgery. He has done many of these resections so I am confident all will be well. I am dreading recovery but that is just me. I fear the worst... even more since the past year.

Anxiety gets the best of me. But I know that I will be okay. I don't have the words today and the words I do have are jumbled and not type-able. Hear are some songs that I heard today on my drive. Fair warning "Name" will certainly bring tears.

"The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it"

"He sees you, He's near you
He knows your face
He knows your pain
He sees you, and He loves you
He knows your name"

And this song - just because I love it....

Keep me in your prayers. Thank you...

Riley & Peyton mommy loves you so so much...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Believe in Dreams...

So I have been busy lately. With just life in general really - nothing super exciting whatsoever. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an exciting life, to be an exciting person. But at the same time I am perfectly happy being my homebody, somewhat dull self. I don't mean that to sound depressing - it's not - part of who I am is that I love to be home, on the couch vegging out or spending time out with my husband. Those are my favorite times. Though I must say if money wasn't an issue we would go out far more than we do. Thus is life...

Quick note: Check out my store! Big sale and free gift for each order made before 2/11/11 (Riley's one year angelversary)!

I subbed the past two days for Elementary Music. Crazy right? Yep - pretty much. The plans were basically impossible for me to do - because although I can sing - I am not a music teacher. So it was a fly by the seat of my pants kinda subbing moment. It's sad how often those moments occur! Then I took the same job today - apparently because I like to torture myself. The last class (before chorus) was AWFUL! And when I informed the teacher that they were LOUD he just smiled and said thank you and they all left. I was like WOW and I wonder why they don't act good - because YOU don't care! UGH! That made me mad!

SO my surgery is a week from Thursday. Time did go pretty fast. I am looking forward to getting it over with and moving on. Afterwards I can look forward to the summer when TTC will be a possibility again. I have two pre-op appointments before then. I think this is rather extensive - I mean how much is my blood going to change in 4 days? Seems silly but I have to trust that there is a logical reason behind it and it's not just to get me to waster my gas money, energy, and time. I am looking forward to Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow I had planned to stay in but it seems the weather would make me anyways. WE are supposed to get about 16 inches where I live tomorrow. Oh what fun. SO as long as the roads are passable by Thursday morning I will be a happy girl. All the schools in the area pretty much are already closed and it hasn't even started to snow yet. I have to say I am proud of WNY for being proactive - they are often anything but - let's hope this isn't an excuse for them to not plow the roads in a timely manner. There are some that will have to go to work so I hope for their sake that the roads are well managed.

Thursday is my first meeting with my Face2Face group  at 9am so that is why I need the roads to be good :) I am looking forward to meeting the two ladies in my group and just talk ya know? It's sad to meet people who share similar sad circumstances but at the same time - why go through it alone? There are FAR too many people in this world that "ignore" their losses or "pretend they never happened" - people who won't talk about it. And I have to say that sooner or later (most likely) that will eat them up inside. The book I have been reading "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb (who's other two books I LOVED in high school) just threw a WHOLE LOTTA baby loss at me. I read these parts of the book while subbing, with a class in the room (they were watching a movie for class) and I was shocked that I handled it so well. It gave me hope that maybe these moments in books and movies won't rip me apart for the rest of my lives - it is far more likely that I was just having a strong day. Honestly seeing the pregnant art teacher talking about her due date in the lunch room was far more upsetting.

I am looking forward to Friday with Nate SO much! As I mentioned above we can't often afford to go out and have date nights and what not like I would like so I am cherish our all day excursion. The one downfall to the day is my pre-op blood work (NOT a fan of needles). However other than that it will be a fabulous day. We are getting up early (by early I mean like 8 or 9 LOL (I like to go to bed very late and sleep till like 11am - I am weird. Anyways we are going to bowl two games and see if Kinect has improved our bowling skills - I'm not gonna hold my breathe LOL ;) then we are going to grab some lunch (I have a coupon YEA) and then paint some pottery (it's the art teacher in me - I love it) This place lets you paint it there and then they fire it and you can come back and pick it up! :) Then blood work, a trip to Best Buy (we have gift cards we may use), movie (I am thinking Sanctum), and a nice dinner out at Red Lobster (which I hope will include an amazing Pina Colada)! It will be a fun outing before surgery and recovery and all.

As a last note I would like to add that after going to my parents to do laundry after an EXHAUSTING day of quieting elementary music students... my dad told me a package had some for me. This is odd given I have not lived there for the last 2 1/2 yrs. since I got married... I open it and I am still confused until I see something that says G.oogle. Then I'm like OOOOHHHH I think I know what this is. NO WAY! And I was right - they sent me a free G.oogle chrome laptop! I had filled out a survey I'd say a month or two ago for one. Answered questions and if I was chosen they would send me a laptop to keep for free and I just write to them if I have problems or suggestions with the computer and the operating system! VERY COOL! I would include pics but I am far to tired and lazy currently. I apologize for spelling errors and such but this computer is weird to get used to and what not so bear with me ;)

Anyways I am off to watch a show before bed - I have been fighting sleep for awhile now but I will soon welcome it with open arms. On that note I am praying for no sad dreams. The other day I had a dream that I had a stillborn baby girl and that I was so upset but two hours later we realized the doctors were wrong and she WAS alive. In the dream I remember loving her, holding her, playing with her, I awoke with a smile on my face to realize - of course - this never happened - it was a cruel trick my mind played on me. I am glad I had to work that day because otherwise the dream may have overtook my day - may have made it quite unbearable. SO I pray that dream or others like it will not enter my mind tonight or ever again....I pray my dream of a living child will be reality sooner rather than later - but I know it is all in God's time - not my own...

"Believe in dreams
You love so much
Let the passion of your heart
Make them real
And tell
All the ones you love
Anything and everything you feel

Laugh about the past
And secretly
Wish we could go back
And save the child..." - Flyleaf "Believe in Dreams"

Riley & Peyton momma loves you so much! How I wish I could wake and find that losing you was all some cruel dream. That I could wake up and have never lost you. That neither of you had ever died.That my body had never killed you. That this stupid septum in my uterus never existed. That the last year was all just a horrible nightmare. Sadly I know this will never happen but I also know that I will wish that for the rest of my life until the day I hold you in my arms up in Heaven. I carry you in my heart my loves. In my words. In my voice.In every way except in my arms where you should be... I love you more than I could have ever imagined. So little, so loved. Thank you for making me strong and keep sending me those peaceful moments when I just know you are here with me. Thank you my sweet babies. Thank you.... I love you SO very much! 
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