Thursday, February 24, 2011

Preparing to be broken

I wonder sometimes if I were given the choice would I have wanted to know all the absolute misery that last year caused me.... would it have been easier somehow if I KNEW it was coming. But of course it wouldn't have been easier. Of course you can't PREPARE for the complete tragedy of losing your only children. There are no classes or exercises to prepare someone for that sort of life experience. There is only the aftermath. The classes and support and resources to help you grieve. I honestly don't think anyone could HELP me with that. I'm sure such classes wouldn't hurt me by any means but in all honesty the only way I get through it is to talk. To read. To live. There is no other way.

No other way for me anyways. I need to live my life. To speak my words and to make my babies proud. They were in my life on this earth for such a short time but what an impact! They have changed me and I live my life now to show that it is shared with Riley & Peyton. They are in my heart. My life is no longer just about me but about them too. I talk about them on this blog, whenever anyone comments on my jewelry for them, whenever I can. Why? Because they are just as real as any living child. They don't deserve to be ignored. Those who have told me to "move on" have no idea what they are talking about. Have no heart. There is nothing to move on from. I live, I journey through this life, WITH THEM. Anyone who has issue with that can feel free to "move on" and OUT of my life. PERIOD! I have survived the loss of my children but I will never move on and forget them...

People tell me all the time that I am so strong. What do you say to something like that really? It doesn't offend me by any means but I mean what am I expected to say? I made it through this loss. These surgeries. These horrors. I made it through because I have faith. I believe that God knows what's best and that He knew I would lose Riley & Peyton and he gave them to me because He knew I would always love them. And I will. My faith got me through it. I had a feeling that I NEEDED to go to a specialist or I would have another loss - and I was right. Had I not gone to my new doctor I would have most likely (90% chance) had another miscarriage. Faith. Without it I would be lost. I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be strong.

I've had a couple weeks now since surgery and for the most part I am better. I felt significantly better after getting that dumb balloon catheter out of my uterus and the stitches removed (which was AWFUL). The only issues I still have now are with weakness and temp.. I am usually always too warm but the past week or so has been worse. I get sweaty and feel faint quite easily. Not fun. Sometimes I need a ice pack to fall asleep. I don't in any way think I have a fever but it is no fun that's for sure. During those times I also tend to feel weak. I did however have a whole day out a couple days ago. Went to lunch, saw a movie, and went to a couple of stores. At the second store I got really hot and felt sick but upon reaching the freezing cold outdoors I felt better LOL.

My husband and I are hoping to buy tickets soon to go visit his family in Florida (most of whom he never met). So I have been trying to make art to sell on ebay to try and raise us some money for the trip. We'll see how that goes. But either way we are going and looking forward to that time. I want to make sure he meets them before we have children because obviously finances and what not will all change after that. I welcome that change :) That same month (June or around then) is when we can start TTC again. That will be exciting and scary at the same time.

Until then I am going to try my hardest to work my butt off on making things to sell and earn us some money for the trip. Also I have lost 19 lbs.! Yeaaa I got a lot more to lose and hope to lose as much as I can by June! I am proud of myself though :) It will be nice when I can start using my Kinect and having the energy to do that again. For now it's eating better :)

I am so happy for all you BLMs out there that are pregnant with your rainbows. I think of all my BLM friends every day. If you read this blog you most likely cross my mind on a regular basis. Those of you trying to get pregnant or who already are...please know that you are all in my prayers!

"When the world is insane
You get used to the pain and you don't even know what you feel
And I am like you, all alone and confused
But you know it's not forever

Time won't ever steal my soul and we're not broken
So please come home
And if the world has worn you down I'll be waiting
So please come home"

Riley & Peyton momma loves you so very much!


  1. Awww... we love you too girlie!!


  2. That's so true Jessica. Even if I knew all the pain and heartache that losing our angel would bring, I'd still choose to have those wonderful 6 weeks together (I found out we were pregnant at 5 weeks, then lost our baby at 11). We had so little time together, but were so profoundly changed by that child.

    I too often don't know what to say to the "you're so strong comment" as I don't think it's totally true. I often think "what choice do I have? I have no choice but to keep going. Rolling over and dying wasn't one of my options". Not to mention the fact that people only see the version of me that I choose to show them - they don't see me on those quiet nights or cloudy days when I break down crying, missing my baby. They don't feel the hole that's always in my heart. And if truth be told, they don't want to see the "real" me, as its just too uncomfortable for them.

    Great on you to live WITH your children, regardless of what 'they' say. I hope you'll be feeling better soon - and you have a trip to look forward to!!

  3. Glad you're feeling better after the surgery. Here's to a full recovery and good health for your ttc journey! (((hugs)))

  4. Good to hear from you. Hope your recovery continues! Thinking of you!

  5. I never know what to say when people tell me I am strong either. Honestly, what choice do we have but to move on? Pick ourselves up and get back on with life. It is all about what you do with the things that happen to you that matters.

    Looking forward to June with you. :)


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