It's moments like this in the silence...when all the world around me is sleeping that I talk to my babies. Sometimes this happens in daytime when I am home alone. Often though it is at night when I am in a restless state of knowing that I should be sleeping but my body is fighting me. Most times when I talk to Riley & Peyton is when I am having a hard time. I tell them how much I love them and that I will never forget them. I ask them to bring me peace, to send their momma LOTS of love. I tell them I miss them and I wish they were here with me. I tell them I wish I was restless because they were crying or hungry or just needed to be held.
I mentioned in my blog awhile back how I loved this sculpture. A dear BLM sent it to me within a week or so after that post. I cherish it and can't thank Tiffany enough. She is a wonderful woman and I hope she knows how very much it means to me! It makes me smile to think that there are angels holding my babies. They need to be held and since I can't hold them the image of someone holding them brings me peace. I look at this sculpture every day. I am thankful for that peace.
I was talking to one of my BLM friends the other day through email (we email each other a lot and I love that) and we were talking about how badly the majority of people handle speaking to us about our loss. I'm sure there is a book out there somewhere that tells people what NOT to say to someone who has experienced a loss. Well there should be one for what NOT to say to someone who has lost a child. People DON'T get it. For those Sci-fi lovers out there (Emily & Jamie :) hehe) I wish we could do what they do on the Matrix. Ya know? Hook people up to a machine and teach them in SECONDS what it is like to be us. What it is like to go through this. Or at least how to shut the heck up and think before they speak.
A few things NOT to say for those who don't know....
*You should be happy your babies are in Heaven
*Everything will be fine next time
*I know someone who had 6 miscarriages and then had 4 children
*You'll be fine
*At least it happened early
*I guess it wasn't meant to be
*It will get better in time
*Don't think about it so much
*Just forget it happened
and so on and so forth. I'm sure I could write endless pages filled with the stupidity that pours from people's mouths that they seem to think is wisdom....
For those of you out there that have said any of these idiotic things - we BLMs understand that society teaches us nothing about this tragedy or how to handle it. We appreciate that you even have the guts to speak up and say anything. But in the future... maybe just ask us how we are and listen... that'll go a long way...
If you have never heard it "Held" is a beautiful song by Natalie Grant. If you haven't take a chance to listen to it....
"The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off. How can I? LIGHT UP THE DARKNESS" - Will Smith quoting Bob Marley in the movie 'I am Legend'
It is now 4:30 am.... I should go to bed....
Riley & Peyton momma loves you very much. Peyton your due date would have been 12 days from now. And that day will make momma's heart a little heavy. I hope that this surgery was successful and that we can welcome a little brother and/or sister to the world in 2012. I think of you both always and will love you forever.
I love that quote...it is so true! Thinking of you as Peyton's due date approaches.
ReplyDeleteI think all of us BLMs should write a book of the things not to say!
ReplyDeletexoxo
I love that song too, it has so much meaning. Especially the bridge:
ReplyDelete"If hope is born of suffering,
If this is only the beginning,
Can we not wait, for one hour,
Watching for our Savior?'
I too speak with our angel during my prayers. I think that's normal for "us". Sending you lots of hugs as this tough time approaches for both of us.
I think a lot of people's comments come from ignorance, just as you said. They don't know what it is like. The other thing that is hard is not knowing how someone will take what you say. Everyone is so different. Its kind of like how most English teacher's opinions of someone's writing is subjective. I believe that most of the time people mean well. I don't think they mean to hurt or offend. Some people do, and that is just because they get their jollies out of being hateful and mean, but I think in general, people try to say something they think is useful. A lot of times what they say is said out of ignorance. They don't know what it is like to go through what you have. I know for a fact I have said things in this life I thought were helpful, or at least meant that way, but then had experiences later down the road that made me realize how unhelpful and possibily painful my words were. Infertility has definitely taught me to be more careful about what I say. Just like Anne Shirley, I pride myself on my ability to put myself in other people's shoes, but sometimes even the best of intentions come out wrong. I have learned that I just have to take comments that could be considered painful with a grain of salt. Just like how people tell me to relax. They think they are being helfpul, but they don't realize they are telling me I'm not getting pregnant because I am too uptight to ovulate or create a lining thick enough for an embryo to burrow into. The best way to keep those comments from hurting is to realize the person is ignorant, and most of the time they mean well (or are just really stupid and thoughtless). What is important is that people who have had experiences like us speak out about it to help educate people who haven't had experiences like us so that they understand to think before they speak; to really think about the underlying meanings. One person at a time.
ReplyDeleteYikes, I was told all of those things! So sad. I'm so glad I met you and that we get to email back and forth:) I wish we lived closer so we could be real life friends, kickin butt, and takin names in the name of baby loss! Love you much and I think of you always:)
ReplyDeleteI love that Willow Tree figure- I have the same one :)
ReplyDeleteBest thing to say to a blm (and blf) is "I am so sorry baby (name) died. I hurt with you." That's all we need to hear.
ReplyDeleteNot "if you need anything, just call me".
so glad the figurine still brings you comfort. that is what i wish most for you my dear friend. that is what i wish most for all of my BLMs - comfort.
ReplyDelete