The BUSYness of motherhood

I haven't blogged in FOREVER. I am a busy mama nowadays with a very active 2 year old and I am also pregnant with rainbow #2 and in my third trimester so I am more than a little exhausted. LOL

But I am blessed.

I feel like a sign with that statement on it placed throughout the house would be helpful some days. As in life without children - you get stressed - well it happens just the same with children. It is a HUGE blessing to be a stay at home mom but sometimes it is rather stressful. It's hard to see our house get all messy because I am enjoying time with my little boy. I feel like I am being a horrible housewife but being a great mommy. Surely that is more important BUT after days of little things piling up in the kitchen it becomes quite an eye sore and then I get stressed. UGH.

I went to see the movie "Mom's Night Out" last night. I highly recommend it. There is a touching part where the main character says she isn't "good enough" and another character basically says "For you, you mean." THAT really hit me. My little Logan loves me with all his sweet heart (and now my pregnant emotional self is tearing up), and my husband loves me. I think that I just need to love MYSELF a bit more. I think often as mothers WE are our worst enemies. It is hard to LIVE where you "work". I don't mean that to sound like I view my child as a "job" so to speak but if you are a stay at home mom I am sure you get my point.

When you have a job outside your house and you don't get something done you know that you have to do it when you go back to work. When you are a stay at home mom and taking care of your child(ren) and the house is your job you pass by EVERYTHING that needs to be done ALL THE TIME. It is just plain exhausting and some days it is a bit much for me to handle. There is always something that needs to be done. Maybe it is amplified because I am pregnant and nesting and a bit looney. Who knows. But sometimes it all just overwhelming.

We finally accomplished a HUGE thing in our house. We turned the front room into a playroom! I have been wanting this for almost 2 years, since we bought this house, and it is DONE. I am thrilled.

Front room: BEFORE(if you look closely there are 3 orbs - 2 by the curtains one by the shelf)

AFTER: Flooring redone and crap cleaned out

AFTER: other side of the room - my 31 items for parties, and a church pew & place for shoes

LOGAN sees his new playroom! HE LOVES IT

So if you take a look at that BEFORE picture. I had time to get about 1/2 of that stuff looked through (maybe more) and either thrown out, or stored at my parents (as we have NO attic AND no basement here so virtually no storage). Well the rest that couldn't be looked through is now in Lucas' room (rainbow #2 who I am currently pregnant with) and his 8 x 10 room is STUFFED with crap. So now of course I am stressing about that getting done. So I will slowly work on it and get it done and then hubby will look through his part and life will carry on. BUT I want it done LOL. Like NOW. If only it were that easy!

Also, Logan is starting Early Intervention as he is still barely saying any words. He still doesn't even say mama or dada! Basically just Oh, No, and Hiya. So anyways those appointments for speech will start soon I hope. Which adds more to the schedule. HOPEFULLY it will help me keep the house tidy (since people will be in it more LOL) and also help my little love muffin TALK - FINALLY!


Well, for now that is all. Just a little busy mommyhood talk. If YOU are a mommy, whether stay at home or working out of the home....remember YOU can only do your best. Somedays that is better than others but YOUR child LOVES YOU!

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOURSELF! And give yourself a whole lot of grace for those days when you feel like your life is a big ole mess. Most likely you are the only one who sees it that way. So love yourself a bit ladies, take even a few moments for yourself and remember JUST BE YOU. You are ENOUGH!  <3

If you are a mother still waiting to have a child.... (((hugs))) to you. The journey is not easy for those of us who have dealt with loss. YOU need to give yourself even more grace and love. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. I miss my heavenly babies EVERY day. That does not change but I wish and pray for you that you will one day hold a baby in your arms.

XOXOXO
~Jess

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mommy misses you. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You are always in my heart and often I see pictures and wonder how different those pictures would be, how different life would be if you were here with us. I believe God gave us little Logan who's heart has SO much love, so much sweetness (he just came over and hugged me when he saw me tearing up just now) and maybe a large part of that comes from the three of you. When he jabbers on and smiles into thin air in the playroom I often wonder if he sees you Cameron and you are speaking a twin language with him that only you two can understand. When he runs around I wonder if the three of you are there with him and only his sweet little eyes can see you. I think they can. I think he sees you often. And that warms my heart. Please give Nana a huge from me. We miss her dearly as well. I love you sweet babies. ALWAYS <3

Cup of Kindness...

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day so as we remember our sweet babies I thought it would be a good day to do a post about the need for a bit more kindness....

Through the past 3 and a half years I have gone through a lot. I have aged a lot. I have learned a lot. Most assuredly I can say that we should view the world differently. Everyone should view their surroundings, their situations, and peoples attitudes differently. EVERYONE is going through SOMETHING. Maybe that is why that guy was a jerk to you in the parking lot. Maybe that lady was snippy with you because her mother just passed away. MAYBE that person is 1 in 4 and they just lost a child.

YOU NEVER KNOW

We can't presume to have any idea what those around us are going through. Just because there are people like me who ARE vocal about their loss doesn't mean there aren't thousands (the majority I imagine) who suffer in silence. If you have experienced a loss and have a blog or Facebook account and mention your sweet little ones gone too soon then you are vocal to an extent. BUT I am sure there were many times that you suffered in silence. Whether it be someone asking "is this your first baby" or "do you have any kids" or "isn't it great to have one boy and one girl".... and you choose not to say anything about your angels. We all, I believe, suffer in silence at points.

So do those around us. So do those we don't know and may never know. I TRY to remember this when someone is snippy with me in line getting groceries or rude when I bump into them by mistake with my purse. I try but I fail sometimes, especially when they are rude while I am driving ;)

Nonetheless my point is I wish people were less judgmental to mothers like me who have lost their children, but also just to people in general.

I feel like as a babyloss mom there is extra guilt in parenting. I am probably the one causing that guilt and I am sure ALL mothers have it to an extent. But I feel like Logan is my sweet, precious, cuddly miracle boy and I often think I am not a good enough mom. That I don't do as much as I could because this is all new to me. Then when I DO feel like I am being a good mom my house is a giant pile of stuff everywhere. So if it's not guilt for one thing it's guilt for another.

Speaking of guilt and judgment..... what is WITH PEOPLE? Why does society believe that being a stay at home mom is a luxury or that it is lazy? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!? Let me just let you know I am NOT against parents working - I am not against daycare, etc. we ALL do what we have to do. HOWEVER I feel stay at home moms are constantly judged. I would like one of these judgmental idiots to set foot in any mom's house of one child (let alone MORE than that) and then tell me we have LUXURIOUS lives or that we are LAZY! Also you may think well you could use more money, why don't you work? Well - daycare is CRAZY expensive and there is no way I am going to work just to make enough money to pay someone else to watch my son.... nope, not happening.

If someone ever asked me "What do you DO all day?" I think I may slap them - or at least I would LOOK like I was about to slap them! Being a stay at home mom is not a job, it is a blessing but that doesn't mean it's EASY! For one you NEVER have time off....even during naps because you know what? That's when the dishes, laundry, and all that fun cleaning get done because there's sure no time for that with a toddler running around like a cute little monster! There are very few times I get a break - by break I mean NO errands to run but just enjoying myself seeing a movie or going to dinner. I usually try to get out with my husband once a month but that doesn't always happen. In the last 17 1/2 months I have gone out with a friend(s) maybe 8-10 times. And really that is LUCKY (and I know I am blessed to have those moments) But, then there are those that judge how I spend that little time off. That 5 hours a month when I go out with my husband.

Why all the judgment. Why do people feel they have a right to judge people? I am a good mom! Am I perfect? No! Is anyone?  NO! So unless you TRULY have a reason to judge someone - don't - get off your high horse and realize PEOPLE ARE ALL DIFFERENT! I don't judge those who have daycare or leave their child with a sitter or relative all day long during the week so I don't expect to be judged because I stay at home. Every now and then I leave the house with only SOCKS on Logan's feet (oh the horror) when it's nice out - - when he was younger there was even a time (GASP) I went to the grocery store quick with him in pjs! OH GOOD GOLLY how awful! Do I think there are people who would judge that? YEP! Do I care? I don't want to....but yea if I could tell someone was judging me - I would care. That's the joy of mommy guilt.

So with all that said - take a minute - WE HAVE ALL JUDGED SOMEONE - and we will ALL do it again even if just for a brief second before we mentally slap ourselves. It will happen. When that time comes take a good look in the mirror, search your heart.....most likely you will realize that judgment was uncalled for - if there were more people taking a breath and THINKING before they say judgmental things or stopping themselves from giving a judgmental glare wouldn't a few people's days be just a bit brighter?

I think so....

Here's some pics of me and sweet Logan....

“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
 For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
 For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
 For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
 For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
  People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
 As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.”
― Sam Levenson

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mama and Daddy love you SO MUCH! We miss you every day! I know that you watch over your brother....thank you for that <3 I wish I could hug you all. I wish you were here. But, I know that you are happy and living it up with Nana and all your heavenly family. Give all those little babies hugs. Many mamas and daddy's hearts are hurting. Send us all some peace and know that you are loved. I will hold you in my heart forever sweet ones....until we meet in Heaven.  ~Love, Your Mama

Lessons this "Mommy of a toddler" has learned so far....

(LONG TIME NO POST! Yikes!!! Haha! I have been a busy bee with my Thirty-One business....more about that another time....)

I have a couple friends (and my sister!) that will have babies within the next 4 months or so! Baby central around here. And then there's crazy lunatics like me starting to wrap their heads around having another one sometime! Haha! I looked back through my posts from when Logan was first born till he was about three months - oh how I dread that the next time around with a toddler to take care of too! YIKES!

I have learned a lot through raising Mr. Logan the past 16 months or so. Basically the most important thing that I think I can say is ALL CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT! I have heard many mamas say before that we should just take the books that they make telling you the milestones and what your child should be doing at this month, week, day, etc. and just throw them out! I agree IF those books are making you overly worried. If you can read those milestones and understand that it IS okay if your child is not the same as what the book says then ok fine - but those books should in no way be your Bible for child rearing and what not!

SO with that said.... differences in children.... Logan got his first tooth at 3 months!!! Very early! He's been growing those suckers non stop ever since. I have a friend who's baby barely had one tooth when she turned ONE! They are ALL DIFFERENT!

Logan rolled over once each way then NO ROLLING AT ALL until 8 months old or so and then he was literally rolling across the room! He didn't start crawling until after he was one and didn't start walking till her was about 15 1/2 months and he is still a little bit of a drunk walker LOL! BUT this mama KNOWS that her boy is just fine!! He hasn't said a first understandable word yet but he babbles a ton.... and again that is OKAY!

Anyways my main point here is sometimes you just need to IGNORE what all those other kids out there can do and realize that if something were really wrong YOU would probably instinctively realize it before some random other parent! Same goes for in laws and your parents....just because THEY raised you or your significant other does NOT mean that they know whats best for your child!

So to any mama out there reading this.... if there are any ;) KEEP YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH! YOU ARE DOING AN AWESOME JOB! We all raise our children the way we see fit and you know what? THAT is great! We need to have unique children not children all raised the exact same way to be the exact same people. God made us unique! The best thing everyone can do is embrace their own individuality AND their children's individuality :) If we were all the same the world would be a boring place!

With that said LOVE UP those moments with your kiddos and do your best to not feel guilty for taking time for yourself and let the freaking house get messy for goodness sake - because really if it's not hurting anyone WHO CARES :) 

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron,

We love you sweet babies! Mama and Daddy think of you EVERY day! Watch over your brother and hug your Nana and Aunt Alice <3

Life as I now know it....loving every minute!

Things have improved greatly in the past month to say the very least. My rainbow has developed into quite the little sweetheart and is already showing so much personality! He began to sleep much better at the beginning of July which was certainly a blessing.

We wish that we could have Logan start sleeping in his own room but we can't run an air conditioner in both rooms so it would be far too hot - which is not safe for our little one - so he still sleeps in our room in his Rock N Play. I hope that when we can transition him to his own space he will do well. Given the coming changes in our life it's probably better to not move him now - he'll have a whole new HOUSE to get used to soon :) :) :)

THAT'S RIGHT! We bought a house (those who are friends with me on Facebook SHHHH don't say anything on my wall please!) :) No exact closing date yet but in the next couple months we will be out of this apartment and into our OWN HOUSE! I am so THRILLED to be done renting soon! The fact that it barely costs more for the mortgage then it does to rent is also a HUGE bonus :)

Soooo the surprises of mommyhood - my my there are so many!

I think the biggest one is the lack of sleep - "they" tell you to sleep while you can - blah blah blah as if getting tons beforehand will help you when you get none - not the case! I must say it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for me to prepare myself for what my body went through with all the hormone changes after having Logan let alone the added stress of NO sleep! It was a surprise and a crappy one at that. But as everyone (who at the time I wanted to slap - LOL) told me - it does get better. The 3 weeks or so have been a blissful time - sure there have been moments - but for the most part we are in a nice groove around here and mommy is loving it.

Logan has so many more smiles and is just such a character!! Another surprise is how FAST his personality showed up - just so darn cute! Makes every little second worth it. I could be in the WORST most sleep deprived state and when he looks at me with that genuine smile it just brightens my LIFE! I'm so blessed!

Doesn't that smile just make you melt!!!

So far I must say he is not to the age where I feel like I can get a whole lot accomplished AT ALL! I mean - no complaints - I LOVE hanging with the little dude but I am rather terrified of packing!!! Yikes! I hated it before I had Logan to take care of - it could be rather dreadful! Thank goodness for GREAT grandparents because man are we gonna need their help to get things done around here!!

I turned 31 on the 22nd of July and my boy turned 12 weeks :) Technically he will be 3 months old on the 29th! He's growing SO FAST!!!

Well I know there was more to say LOL but baby brain is ever present and my mind has no flipping clue what else I was going to write - sooooo for now enjoy this you tube video and check out my boy's personality in full swing :)



Riley, Peyton, & Cameron, Mommy and daddy love you so much. As we see Logan grow we are sad for all the moments we missed with the three of you :( Love each other with all your might until we can all be together

Conundrum

I'm so sick of myself - I'm such a conundrum - my life is just one big freaking conundrum. A nonsensical ride through parenthood. I'm blessed to have Logan but also just so done with being tired. I
am happy my husband works nights but then also pissed he works nights because I get no help if Logan doesn't sleep in his bed at night. I am in love with my son beyond all measure but so mad that he sleeps better during the day then at night lately and I want to throw a little 1 year old temper tantrum right this very second. I love my husband for being a fabulous daddy and helping far more then many fathers probably do but I get frustrated because he certainly doesn't "get" the lack of sleep and energy that I have put into the last 7+ weeks.

If one more person IRL gives me advice and says "it'll get better any day now" or "I remember those days" I'm going to scream! I'm going to literally rip my hair out, throw my hair in their face, and then scream at the top of my lungs for them to SHUT UP! Give me some USEFUL advice because telling me it will "get better any day now" doesn't do crap for me - literally it is the equivalent of saying - "yep it sucks huh?" at least saying THAT would be a statement and not a piece of "advice"shrouded in complete crap.

As I write this I don't blame you if you hate me right now. I don't blame you if you think - "WOW what a horrible ungrateful mother she is!" I really don't blame you! I deserve those thoughts and honestly I think that of myself at least one to one trillion times a day. You know what I'd love? I'd love to sleep.... even more than that though I would love to not feel a whole heap of guilt for wanting  needing to sleep. Lately Logan will barely sleep solidly unless he is sleeping ON someone's chest. Sure, of course, you say - lay him down - he'll scream but he'll stop sooner or later - blah blah blah. Yea, ok, SURE take a guilt ridden mother and tell her to let her child scream for hours.... no thank you. Remember two posts ago? The kid screamed off and on (more ON then off) for practically 6 hours straight.... so please tell me what good will laying him down and letting him scream really do for me? Exactly - it will do nothing!

So please - if you read this and you have kids - tell me a moment when YOU were at your wits end! Tell me how you handled it.... if you dealt with this sleep issue what did you do? I promise not to complain about your advice in future posts I REALLY do want it! For extra credit tell me how one earth I am supposed to survive on 4 hours of sleep for the rest of my life....or until the magical day when "things turn around" (whatever THAT means)....

Well laid plans....

My husband and I just had our 4 year anniversary on June 14th and as I mentioned in the previous post we had plans to celebrate the following day. Well, life doesn't work how you think sometimes and sadly my mom ended up being very sick. We think with food poisoning. Although I was disappointed that our plans would be cancelled I was extremely worried about my mom! She, being the lovely person that she is, was so worried that I would be sick or Logan would be sick - because she was just over here hours before being sick. I told her there was no need to be worried because I was sure Logan would have shown signs of being sick already and I was feeling just fine (other than my normal exhaustion and somewhat nauseousness because of it - but that has become rather normal).

So given the change in plans and after being up all night with Logan who lately will not sleep unless laying on me or my hubby..... I decided I would take advantage of the time and get an extra hour of sleep. I woke Nate up, told him of the change in plans and said I was going to bed for a few hours. When I woke up, of course, I was still exhausted (when am I NOT?) but happy to spend time with Nate (my husband) and Logan :)

We ate lunch and then I ran an errand while Nate watched Logan. Around 6pm I was SO tired I could barely keep my eyes open so Nate took over so I could take a nap. He woke me up after an hour (as planned) and I went and picked up our dinners that we had ordered (fish fry - yum!). As I left the house I realized how extremely tired I still was - I picked up our food - and on the way home called my mom as I had missed her call during my nap. She is a fabulous mom and grandma and wanted to check in and make sure we were all still feeling okay. I told her we were fine but that I was just SO tired and I started crying. Then she started crying because she felt bad that she couldn't babysit so we could go out. I told her to not feel bad at all and that really it probably would have been a disaster if we went out because I would have been so tired and then I would have felt bad if I couldn't enjoy myself. When I got home with our food I was still crying and Nate of course was concerned and thought something had happened.

I told him nothing happened I was just over extended and beyond exhausted - it had been 7 weeks with no more than 3.5 hours sleep at one time! I was just done and had hit rock bottom with my exhaustion. So even though I wanted to be able to spend time with him and watch a movie (or the epic walk across Niagara Falls) he told me to go to sleep after I ate. So I did. I was not able to fall right asleep (crazy how your body even in total exhaustion can manage to be too worried or over think so that you can't sleep - UGH) but when I came out to go to the bathroom Nate suggested I take tylenol pm - so I did - went back to bed read a bit and fell asleep. I slept from about 10pm till 4:40am (with a couple bathroom breaks and checking in on hubby and baby). Then I came out and relieved Nate so he could get some hours sleep before we started our Saturday events. He is still sleeping now and though I am SURE I could have easily slept MUCH longer I am blessed to have had that 6+ hours sleep. My mom said she would be happy to let me catch extra sleep at night after she gets out of work a couple nights during the week so I am sure that will help too.

So yesterday was a change of plans for sure and this mommy needed that. Though I was sad to have to wait a week to celebrate our anniversary man that was a blessing in disguise (though I wish my poor mom wasn't ill)! I feel improved today although I admit I am already planning out a way to get some extra hours of sleep in tonight... we'll see how that works out.

Thank you for the comments and encouragement lately. I am sorry that I don't have more positive posts but mommyhood - especially mommyhood of a colicy baby - has really hit me lately. Yesterday when I was so upset from being tired all I could do was feel so guilty because I just wanted to SLEEP! I love my baby boy with all my heart but wow he is tiring and I am very glad that my husband is so hands on and was able to give me that time off to sleep. The little one actually let me put him in his rock n play for a bit so I am going to TRY to rest before I wake hubby up. Much love to you all - please pray that I get a better handle on my sleep and on handling my little screamer. Even more please pray that his colic not last much longer. I feel so bad for the little guy and there is nothing I can do for him - which I HATE!

Mommy mayhem

If you stopped on by hoping to read a fluffy post please refrain from reading.... ALSO please do not judge me and leave me a nasty comment - I have to approve comments so your attention seeking - need to slap me in the face with a rude bs remark - will get you nowhere....move along if you plan to be THAT person...

With that said life has been rough lately. Please do not take this as me being ungrateful for my rainbow Logan because I am VERY grateful! I love him with ever fiber of my being but when you get no sleep for days on end your rope to reality becomes rather frayed.

"I am a horrible mommy" has been playing through my head like a skipping record for days now. Logan screams.... he SCREAMS and SCREAMS and for no reason. No dirty diaper, not because he's hungry, not because he needs attention.... he just screams. He's often tired... I mean you would be too if you were 6 weeks old and has 3 freaking 30 minute naps in a span of 7-8 hours! But I mean MY GOODNESS you would not believe how much and how loud he screams and he doesn't just get tired and pass out! He JUST.KEEPS. GOING! It's unreal! Yesterday was the worst. He was like this over the weekend but my husband was home. Well yesterday he worked so from 3pm on it was just me....I cried. I cried a lot because, well, it hurts my heart to not be able to help my son relax. It makes me feel like a horrible mommy.

Yes, mind you, I realize that I'm sure this is colic and it's hit it's peak of horrificness (yes I know this is not a word) and that this is not my fault.... but tell that to an over-tired woman who for 9 months dreamed of bonding with her baby. Dreamed of a screaming baby that no one could soothe until MOMMY picked him up. Well, dreams they were, that's for sure. I know this is a stage. He will "grow out of it" blah blah blah... Well you know what? I'm going insane!

Here's how yesterday worked - 3pm awake and screaming - ate - still screaming - gave him a bath (he likes those) - then more screaming - slept for 30 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - tried to play - didn't help - ate again then slept 35 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - another bath (again he likes that so he calmed down) - more screaming again - finally slept another 30 minutes... More screaming until at 11pm he goes to sleep until 2am - my husband feeds him and he fell asleep at 3 - he brings him to bed at 4am and Logan's awake again at 5am! I feed him, he falls asleep at 6 - I take him to bed at 7 he's up at 7:30... I wake my husband up at 8am and finally get to sleep from 8:30-noon. Without that last 3 1/2 hours I don't know WHAT I'd do! Thank goodness my husband works nights! Since then he has slept a 30 minute nap and was screaming in between but has been sleeping 2 hours so far laying on me. I know, I know - I should lay him in his bed - well SERIOUSLY after the time he has been having I just want the child to sleep! I feel awful!!!

So at 5am I was just miserable I figured after not sleeping all day he would HAVE to sleep at night! Not so much..... so I was just crying, just SO tired. I don't blame the poor kid, he's just a baby but I need to sleep too! And you can't very well "sleep when baby sleeps" if he only sleeps 30 minutes! Rather useless to sleep 30 minutes! Seriously wondering hoe people manage to have a bunch of kids! I can't imagine going through this with a 2 year old in the house too! Just terrifying!

Last night I was searching blogs of other BLMs who had their rainbows before me - looking for some help for the 6 week age... well apparently their babies weren't colicky because I found no help. Which just made me feel worse - the equivalent of googling an ailment - just not helpful in the least. So I am just geared up and terrified for another scream filled day. I pray that this is just a baby who really needs to poop or something like that because they say colic can last up till 4 months and I can't imagine another 5 weeks of this..... pray for my sanity. I was finally feeling like things might improve.... friends told me it gets better at 6 weeks and then all hell broke loose right when it was supposed to "get better".

When I did get my moments of sleep I actually had dreams that someone cured my screaming Logan problem... only to wake up to screaming Logan and realize it was only the warped reality of my dream where he was cured and there was still nothing I could do to help.... :*(

He's so precious to me and I hate to see him so upset! Please pray that things improve. I love the poor little dude and I just want him to be a happy little snuggly baby again!

In other news... I posted HERE about my Nana who passed away 7/15/11 from cancer. My papa is now marrying one of her (well his too I suppose) friends in August. I am really hurt by this. They started "seeing each other" 3 months after my Nana died and while I KNOW my Papa loved my Nana that just seems extreme. They were married over 50 years so yea I know he's not used to being alone but my goodness!! UGH! This just really hurts my heart and the idea of her being around on Christmas which was SUCH a huge important holiday for my Nana is just horrible to me.... when my mom told me I cried (she didn't know that) - I can't imagine how my mom is handling this okay because I certainly am not. I can't imagine her EVER being Logan's grandma! Anyways... that's just been hard.... 

Hubby did get a promotion though and we have been preapproved for a loan for a house that we plan to start searching for.... hopefully things will continue to improve!

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron - 

Mommy and Daddy love you so much and even though your brother is a handful we wish you were all here with us. We will always miss you and love you! Please give Nana hugs and kisses we miss her dearly too!

Right where I am 2012: 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, etc....

Angie at Still Life with Circles started started a project called  Right Where I Am - where babyloss parents can share about their grief journey at this point in that walk... it's beautiful and I thank her for creating it so that I may be a part of it and read of others who participate as well. This is my post from last year.

2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks (since we lost Riley)
1 year, 9 months, 5 days (since we lost Peyton)
7 months, 1 week, 3 days (since we lost Cameron)

My grief journey has changed since my post a year ago for this project. In a way I grieve more, but certainly differently. My rainbow baby, Logan Charles, was born on April 29, 2012. He is a pure blessing and a miracle! I will never be able to explain in words how much he means to me. The pregnancy was originally twins but sadly as you can see from above we lost Cameron (somewhere between 10-14 weeks into the pregnancy). That is where my grief journey really took a turn because I was devastated that day beyond words. I had felt like we were being doubly blessed after losing our first two children. That twins were a sign that all would be well, etc. At 7 weeks along when we saw both heartbeats I truly thought all would continue to be well throughout the pregnancy. 7 weeks later that all just crashed and burned. When they did the ultrasound I did not see two babies like I should have.... I knew something was wrong. The tech showed us little baby b (Cameron) who was only now measuring 7 weeks even at the 14 week appt. and of course had no heartbeat. Baby b (Cameron) was gone. My husband and I were bawling at this point and I just needed to know how the other baby was doing. After what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was only seconds I'm sure) she showed us Logan's heartbeat. She went on to tell us he was measuring well and looked perfectly healthy.

That day was quite the turn in my journey. My husband was very upset and couldn't understand why I wasn't MORE upset than I was. I had cried quite a bit of course but I KNEW that I had to keep it together and to not over stress my body and cause harm to my sweet baby a (Logan). I distinctly remember feeling badly that I was not grieving Cameron in the same way that I had grieved Riley and Peyton. Did this make me a bad mom? But I soon realized of course it didn't.... my instinct took over and I KNEW that I had to handle this grief in a different manner, I am a VERY emotional person and I knew it could cause harm to my pregnancy if I was to get too upset over the loss of Cameron. My husband understood this in the end of course and throughout the pregnancy we were terrified that something bad was going to happen. Ultrasounds will ALWAYS be a scary thing for us because other than literally TWO ultrasounds (both with my last pregnancy after losing Cameron) there has always been a loss.... my husband hates ultrasounds and they terrify me as well. We feel we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't want to blabber on as I did last year (I make no promises but I don't WANT to blabber lol)....


A month before finding out I was pregnant last year I lost my Nana. She was an extremely important person in my life and always will be. I am happy that she is watching my babies in Heaven but as with all losses I selfishly wish she were here to hold and love Logan. My Papa is visiting on Saturday and when mentioning that to my husband I said " Nana and Papa....." and I just started crying..... I still feel like she's here sometimes and I cry as I write this because the loss (as with my babies) just seems like it will always be so new, so fresh, so unbearably raw. Other than my babies she is the greatest loss I have ever dealt with... throughout my pregnancy I would have dreams of her and just cry when I woke up knowing she wouldn't be here to meet Logan. I think I may always cry when I think of her and my babies.... and that's okay...

I am an emotional person... always have been, always will be and that is something I will never apologize for... I am not ashamed of it is any way. I know your body is weighed down with hormones during and after pregnancy but I think Logan has just brought on a whole wealth of new emotions to me. I am a mommy. I have been for two years but now I am a mommy to the WORLD. They can see that. I had my first Mother's Day where I was acknowledged as a mother. Having a living child in my life has, in a way, made my grief more acute. Looking at him makes me realize how precious and perfect my little ones in Heaven must be, makes me realize all that I lost. Makes it more real in a way, though I can't really explain what I mean by that. I cry more often then I used to. Not the baby blues or anything like that. Sometimes I cry happy tears because I feel soooo blessed to just have a baby to love and snuggle and hold in my arms... just looking at him can make me cry tears of joy. Other times I cry because I don't want people to think that he healed my heart completely and that Riley, Peyton, and Cameron are not important to me.... they ALWAYS will be. Sometimes I cry because, well, I'm an overwhelmed and tired mommy (as I'm sure all moms do at times). Basically at this point (we'll see if the hormones are to blame in time) I cry more for my losses, for the gift and blessing of my rainbow baby, for my Nana..... I will not apologize. I am a babyloss mommy and a rainbow mommy. I love all my children equally even though I can't love them all here on Earth in my arms...

Bless you all for reading this... I pray that your journey of grief be as peaceful as possible....

My tattoo for my babies...I sadly have to add Cameron to it still...

Riley, Peyton, Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you so very much. We will tell your brother all about you! Watch over him and send us peace, love, and many hugs and kisses every day. Give Nana a big hug for mommy. We love you all dearly...

www.heavensdoves.blogspot.com

The past couple weeks....

Logan's birth announcement - I made it myself!!! :)

When "they" say a baby changes everything, "they" aren't kidding! Now I have no idea who THEY are - but you get where I'm coming from....everyone always says get your sleep cause you'll never sleep in again! Go out and have fun, because that's all about to end. Enjoy some movies now because it will be all cartoons soon. Blah blah blah so on and so forth. You get the gist.....

First off I don't see how getting plenty of sleep before I had Logan helps me now that he's here...it doesn't that's dumb advice LOL... Secondly, I find it VERY hard to believe that we will never be able to go out and have fun again - sure we'll miss our son but I think it's important to a marriage for the husband and wife to have their time together....so those that gave that advice I simply ignore....I digress.... people MEAN WELL they just come off as making parenthood seem like this horrible slavery to your child. It's weird.

Nonetheless, the past couple weeks have not, I repeat, NOT been easy. I know, I know, who expected it to be? Well, I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it has been. A lot of this of course is do to lack of sleep. Men you see have this way about them, or at least my husband does.... he can sleep like a rock! Well, I certainly CAN'T - not even a little bit. I was a light sleeper BEFORE Logan was born - and it has not improved. Every little noise he makes can wake me up. We tried the crib and for one time per night (for only 2 hours total on 2 nights) he managed to sleep then that all went away. People say to let them cry it out and soothe themselves and I may be able to do that in the future but not now. I worry about my baby and this mama can not handle letting him bawl his eyes out. Just. Can't. Do. It.....not yet.

So when we brought Logan home the idea was to put him in the crib when he slept/napped....as I mentioned that did not go well. So then I was sleeping in the living room with him in his swing for a few nights. He seems to need to be on a bit of an incline (probably do to reflux issues....I'll explain THAT in a minute) so my sister said our two friends (who also recently had babies) LOVED the Rock N Play.... so THAT is what we got :) that is what he currently sleeps in and boy is that a lifesaver! We can have it in our bedroom unlike the massive swing which was NOT coming back and forth down our hallway! So it was nice the past week or so to actually sleep in our bed again. Still though the first couple days it was a bit hard to sleep because babies move a lot in their sleep at times (Logan does for sure!) and those little movements and noises wake mommy up. Alas, I am getting used to it and sleeping better through all that.

Another thing that really was hard to handle was coming to the realization that I could not breastfeed :*( I was (and still am) rather upset about that. When I was told to give up and do formula it was a day or two filled with many tears. I wanted what was best for my baby and he was such a good nurser and I felt like it was some nasty trick that my milk never came in. That yet again my body was betraying me. Well, when Logan was about 12 days old I called my doc and asked if there was any chance my milk would come in. She said given everything I had tried: pumping, consistent feedings, medicine, etc. that if it hadn't come in yet then it wasn't going to.... so I got out the formula sample container the hospital gave us as a "gift" and gave him his first bottle....crying the whole time. It was an exhausting couple of days and very hard for me to deal with but for the most part I am quite fine with it all now.

Last Wednesday all hell broke loose....maybe a bit dramatic but let's just say it was NOT GOOD! Little Logan was spitting up (more like throwing up as it was SO MUCH formula) so much - at a couple different times he soaked right through all his clothes in a matter of seconds. It was coming out his nose, he would scream in pain. IT WAS TERRIFYING!!! So I called his pediatrician and they brought us in and he wasn't worried because Logan gained weight. Well the rest of the day he would barely eat, didn't sleep good, and still was spitting up a ton. So the next day I called back and said something needed to be done! So the doc told me I could change his formula. We changed to a broken down formula for sensitive tummies. He started improving quickly - ate more, slept better, it's been great!! The doctor wrote a script so that the formula would be covered by WIC which is a real blessing to say the least! It's specialty formula so it's expensive and while I (OF COURSE) would have paid for it no matter what to make Logan better it is nice to have some help with it too!

Sleeping is still a bit of an issue for me. My husband wants to put Logan in his own room but I just don't have that in me yet. I think I'll be able to handle it when he's closer to 2 months. With the scary spit up situations and what not I just can't handle something awful like that happening when I'm not RIGHT THERE to pick him up. I'm a worried mama and I knew that I would be. I have been waiting years for my baby boy and I reserve the right to be a worried mother!

It has been rough - my friends who recently had babies tell me it gets easier...we shall see. I know that I will survive this... I love being a mom but the emotional turmoil is not something that one can be prepared for and I admit it's a bit much for me at moments. My husband doesn't have to deal with the crying or middle of the night feedings, etc. like I do and sometimes I just get aggravated and I am relieved when he is here so I can just hand him Logan so someone else can try to calm him down. Now, mind you, this is not a day to day problem there are days when he is perfectly lovely but there are days when he gets FAR too tired and screams because of it. In moments like this when he ate a ton, diaper is clean, he's getting plenty of snuggles, no temperature, etc. and he STILL cries... those are the moments where he just has to calm himself down. I hate those moments because I feel like a failed mom that I can't calm my baby down. The first fail moment was breast feeding and then the screaming and then the not being able to let him sleep in his room. UGH! It's hard to not beat myself up and then I read articles that say "you need to get your rest because babies can't bond well with a burnt out mom" well GEEZ THANKS! So now not only am I emotional and tired but this freaking article makes me feel like my child won't love me unless I'm well rested. Guess I'm screwed... or they're idiots.... we'll go with they're idiots for sanity's sake! PLEASE don't take this post as a complaint and me not feeling blessed for my baby boy and my wonderful new life. I just wanted to update the reality of what I have gone through. I am in no way depressed, nor do I have the baby blues, I'm just a new mom realizing that it's not easy....

Well, that's the update for now everyone. Little man was grumpy an hour ago and shall soon wake up to eat.  Hopefully his constipation will go away with the doc's advice. Poor little guy doesn't poop for a day or two and then POW tons and tons of poop! Sometimes it's rather comical like when I changed his diaper and as soon as I go to change it he starts grunting and KEEPS GOING lol! He's quite the character and his poop grunts are beyond hilarious ;) although I feel bad cause it must hurt the poor little guy! Either way here's hoping a big poop is coming on so Logan can feel relieved! Here's also hoping that it happens when I change his diaper - as his daddy is a wimp and would probably wake me up to do it which would NOT make me happy!

Lastly, I can't believe my little man is already over 3 weeks old!!! YIKES! On a positive note....I now only weigh 5 lbs. more than before I got pregnant - woo hoo!!!

My baby all snazzy for Mother's Day

After his first sponge bath

More pics coming soon....I am far too tired to upload them right now!

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you and miss you and wish you were here to love Logan. I know that you send your love and peace to us daily and I hope you feel our love for you. I'm glad you have Nana to love you because it helps mommy feel better that someone so VERY special to me gets to watch my most special angels. One day we will meet and be one huge happy family... until then hold each other close my loves and give Nana hugs and kisses from me, Logan, and mom (your grandma) EVERY DAY! I love you all more than words could ever say and sometimes the loss I feel is just overwhelming. Your brother is a blessing and I thank God every day for him but you all will always be missing from my heart and I will always carry you in it. As my favorite book says "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby(babies) you'll be." I've read that to your brother recently and I can't get through it without crying. I hope you can hear me reading it to, that way it's like I'm reading it to my whole family. I love you my angels... and I always will. 

Logan's Birth Story

For those that read the post weeks ago Logan was originally supposed to be born via a scheduled c-section on April 30th.... well he decided he wanted to choose his birthday.... here is his story.

On April 28th I was feeling HORRIBLE! My stomach was killing me and I barely ate anything, when I tried to eat dinner I threw up 6 times literally one minute after eating... I of course was totally freaked out and worried that something was wrong and this illness could hurt Logan. I called my Obgyn's answering service and asked for a call back from my doctor. Within about 10 minutes he called and basically told me that this could be my body preparing for labor and clearing out my system. He said if I could keep liquids down then there was no reason to be worried. This was at about 7pm and at 9pm I ate some chicken noodle soup (except I ate none of the chicken LOL). Around midnight I went to bed and told my husband he really should too in case I went into labor overnight. He didn't come to bed until 2am. At 3am I woke up to go to the bathroom and halfway down the hallway felt a huge kick... as I sat down to go to the bathroom I thought "huh, I have read about water breaking and they always talk about a big kick... how funny would that be if my water broke." but I didn't REALLY think it would. Well, I sat down and it happened - There was a gush of water and I knew I hadn't peed LOL so then I'm sitting there going ummmm what do I do because I know that it just keeps gushing once it breaks. SO I manage to get up to get a pad and all and I look in the toilet and the water is brown! So I knew that was NOT a good thing as that meant Logan had passed his meconium while in the womb. So I was slightly terrified by the complications that could arise from that but dwelling would not help any of that so I went into prepare mode and got moving. LUCKILY I had packed everything I could weeks before and hours before had packed everything except pillows, etc. in case labor did happen so I didn't have much to grab. I called the hospital and told them my water broke, the meconium was in the water, and that most likely it would still end up being a c-section given my discussion with my doctor.

At around 3:30 or so I woke my husband up. He is not an easy man to wake up. I was like "Nate! Nathan! BABE! Honey WAKE UP!" Finally he was like "What?" I said "My water broke!" He was like "Huh? REALLY?" he then say straight up and said "WHAT DO WE DO?" lol - I said we get our stuff together and go to the hospital silly!!! Then I told him to get ready and I called my parents. They said they would head out as soon as they got ready. Ten I grabbed my list of the last minute things I needed to grab such as pillow, eye mask, ear plugs, etc.

We got to the hospital at about 4:15am and checked in and then we were sent right on up to the maternity ward. I was taken to a room and given the ever lovely hospital gown and told to change, etc. Then I got in bed and they hooked up an IV - first attempt was unsuccessful because they said I was most likely dehydrated from being so sick the day before.... lucky me - I HATE needles! The second attempt failed and the third finally worked - yikes! I was checked and I was 80% effaced and 2cm dilated. My contractions had been pretty light until about 30 minutes of being in bed then they started to suck big time!!! They very quickly went from like 7 minutes apart to 5 minutes apart and after about an hour to an hour and a half they were 2 minutes apart. In the meantime I would like to mention that my water continued to gush out - seriously the GROSSEST most uncomfortable thing ever!! While the contractions were horribly painful the hot water gushing out every couple minutes was just disgusting and horrible - I HATED IT!!!

So at around 8am they checked to see if there was any progress - there was NONE! Geesh! So the doctor was called. When he came in an hour later he checked and I was more like 4-5cm dilated but the head was not in a good position at all, the baby was face up, and given the meconium in the water there could be added risks. So I was given the option of natural labor continuing or choosing a c-section. I choose a c-section. By 9:30 a catheter was put in - I wasn't overly worried about it because I had a catheter put in before but HOLY CRAP it was not good - needless to say the last time I had it done the person was much better - eek! While that was being done Nate was told to put his suit on over his clothes so he could come into the room for the surgery. My contractions were still every 2 minutes at this point and very very painful - I had basically been in tears for over an hour at that point and was terrified of getting the spinal especially with the contractions I was having! Next I was shaved - not cool - you know how they have electric razors with the attachments etc. for cutting men's hair? Well when there is NO attachment it's just that metal thing... well THAT is what they shaved me with - Yikes! Then they rolled me out of the room and into surgery after a kiss from my hubby.

I was beyond terrified when, after switching to the surgical table they asked me to sit on the edge to get my spinal. Upon sitting up a horrible contraction started and I was crying from pain but also from being terrified that I would get another contraction when they gave me the spinal! Luckily they did a fabulous job and it wasn't bad at all!!! The IV and catheter were way worse! After that I had to lay back down and they quickly strapped down both my arms and hung up the blue "curtain" to block the gory show from my eyes ;) Then I they were pinching me to see if I felt pain...I didn't. I heard them calling for Nate (who had apparently ran back to the room for our camera) and a minute or two later he was sitting by me holding my right hand. The meds made me itchy so it was driving me crazy that I couldn't itch my face. After about (I'm guessing) 15 minutes they pulled the "curtain" down and all I saw was Logan's feet and it was back up - no crying!!! 0 they told Nate to sit down and I guess ran over to the warmer with Logan. Nate and I were both crying at this point and had no idea what was going on - all I kept asking was "is he okay???" Finally Nate said he was and seconds later Logan was screaming bloody murder! I asked what time he was born and they told me 10:19am. They brought him over to see me for the first time and after kissing him a few times he punched me LOL - sassy little bugger takes after his mommy ;)

Nate went to the nursery with Logan while they weighed him, etc. and I got put back together. A nurse came in to tell me he weighed 9 lbs. 3 oz. and was 21 inches long. They gave me Zofran halfway through gluing me up (they glue the incision instead of stitching) because I started feeling nauseous and after what seemed like forever (probably more like 40 minutes) they were blowing up this balloon thing around me and sliding me back to my hospital bed (that was entertaining lol).Then I was wheeled back to my room and before going in saw my parents and my papa looking into the nursery watching daddy and Logan :) At that point I believe it was about 11:30am and they asked if I wanted to see Nate - I said sure - then they said he was still in the nursery so I told them to let him stay with Logan and my papa came in to see me. After that my parents came in and after what seemed like forever and about 12:20 or so Nate wheeled Logan in and I got to hold my son in my arms for the first time. Of course I was bawling - I was so happy - it was SO surreal. I was a mommy and I was HOLDING MY SON! I told him he was beautiful and we had been waiting a long time to see him and that his nana and his siblings in Heaven were so happy he was safe! While pieces of my heart will always be with Riley, Peyton, and Cameron I never would have thought I could ever love someone as much as I love my sweet little Logan. My life changed so drastically in that second that I was handed my son. I feel sometimes that there is not enough room in my chest and that my heart will just burst with all the love I have for him. As I write this he is laying on my chest. Snuggling with him is the best feeling in the world. I never would have imagined he would be so amazingly cute or how massive the amount of love I have for him would be. Also just how much more I love my husband for going on this journey with me and seeing him become and amazing father to our son. I am one blessed mama!

I was in the hospital for 5 days. Logan was admitted the 5th day - and I was allowed to stay with him - because he had jaundice and other then when he was feeding he was under the lights for 18 hours straight. It was awful to barely get to see him but they were nice enough halfway through the day to wheel the incubator into my room so that I could at least SEE him. For the most part my stay was lovely. I had my issues but other than one nurse who decided to push with all her might on my uterus (if I hadn't been screaming in pain I would have literally PUNCHED her) the other nurses were all great. I had issues with the fact that they did not have consistent thoughts on breastfeeding and I believe the "advice" I basically had to take (I mean I couldn't get out of bed so what could I do) is what made breastfeeding not possible :( Logan was a great little latcher but all the nurses (except for a select few) kept telling me I had to let him sleep and let him go HOURS without letting me try to nurse him. At one point they let him sleep for 7 hours! So I truly believe this had a HUGE effect on my milk never coming in. I have since gotten over this but not being able to breastfeed was easily the saddest most upsetting part of my recovery so far. I did everything I was told to though so I do not blame myself for this outcome! He is a content little man even if he does have to be formula fed. His jaundice is almost completely gone at this point and he is doing very well. His little stump fell off his belly button yesterday so we look forward to that healing up and are happy that ugly black stump is gone ;) I will try to update when I can, for now here are some more pictures :) if you made it through the whole story - WAY TO GO :) :) and thanks for caring enough to read Logan's lengthy tale :)

Daddy & Logan

 Logan in his car seat on the way home

Welcome home Logan

In his swing :)

all wrapped up in the Moby - mommy doing dishes

Logan loves the Moby :)

Daddy feeding Logan

Logan with his new puzzle stool from Nate's Aunt (and family)

I love this little guy!

I love his "fleeting smiles" in his sleep!

AND his stretching face ;)

What can I say? I could stare at him ALL day long and not be bored one bit!! 

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron-

Thank you for watching over mommy, daddy, and your brother. We love you so much and know that you will always keep a close eye on Logan. Keep sending mommy peace and give Nana lots and hugs and kisses and tell her we can't wait for Logan to meet her one day! <3

Still waiting....

So first of all may I say I hate the new Blogger set up! I am the type of person that likes things to stay the way they are once I am used to them. I don't like Facebook's stupid Timeline and I don't like Bloggers "new look" (although I DO like that I can easily see how many times my posts have been read - good to know some people are still out there reading!).... I digress.

On Friday we found out that yet again there is NO progress. I am not dilated at all and Logan has not dropped - UGH! 40 weeks today and nothing to show towards any progress. It's very frustrating. Thankfully they will not let me go past 41 weeks. That is what I am the most afraid of so I am happy that I won't go past 41 weeks.

We ALSO found out that technically my due date is the 25th not today (the 23rd) - I still consider today my due date because it's ridiculous that no one told me until Thursday that it was different. So whatever. Anyways.... I have and ultrasound to check what they estimate Logan's weight at and then after that an NST to see how he is doing (this part makes me nervous because I hope he does ok). I am glad that they are taking the initiative to see how the pregnancy is going at least. Both my doctors at some point have made comments to the fact that my pelvic bone region is VERY narrow so I am thinking even if I do happen to go into natural labor on my own he probably won't fit.... So hopefully on Thursday if there is still no progress they will just schedule and ultrasound. I am PRAYING it will be for Friday because my husband already has Friday and Saturday off but it may have to wait until Monday :( which would be more of a pain in the butt. But we'll have to figure it out somehow....

Anyways.... just thought I would update.


I plan to wear a necklace I bought awhile back to the hospital... this is what it says:  " Lil' babies, 


we will never forget you... Let a part of my angel babies' souls be reflected in the spirit of my 


future child so that I may know them better. May the Lord hole my lil' babies tightly in His strong, 


loving arms until I can. May the angels sing them sweet lullabies, but only until I get there."








Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,


We love you sweet babies.... and we always, always will <3

The waiting game...

The last week or so has been rough. I'm crazy emotional and just so uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong I am THRILLED to be pregnant it's just that I want to HOLD Logan now!!! I know I will miss feeling him move inside me and I truly do cherish every movement but I'm so anxious. He is measuring ahead by 3 weeks or so and I just want him to be okay! I have no reason to think he won't be but when does anyone have reason... it still happens.

I'm not the same naive girl I was when I was pregnant with Riley. I KNOW how so many lost their babies. I know of many who's babies were fine at 39 weeks and when they went overdue they lost the baby. These stories terrify me. I do not want to lose my fourth child. I want to hold him in my arms and love him and kiss him for years to come. I want him to outlive me. To love his angel siblings. I want him here with me on Earth. Of course, I wish all my babies could be with me on Earth but I wake up every day to the reality that they can't be. But Logan can. He is still healthy and strong and I just don't want him to get so big that something happens before he can be born. He hasn't dropped yet (as of last week and I still don't think he has as of today) and as of last week there was no dilation or progress of any kind. I worry his head is too big and he may not be ABLE to drop down. If that's the case they will schedule a c-section for next friday. I wish it could be tomorrow but I will survive.

I told one of my doctor's last week that I am just very anxious after all we have been through and she said "All mom's are anxious at this point. Trust me." and I'm going well OF COURSE they are but I mean SERIOUSLY? I lost three babies - one of them being Logan's twin! I have a whole other kind of anxiety!! Most moms I'm sure are anxious about the pain of labor, when their child will be born, or about the pregnancy being over already, etc. I am anxious over my baby being born ALIVE! Most women are naive and think that once they are pregnant they are safe or at the very least once they hit 2nd trimester they are safe... most wouldn't even have it cross their minds that their baby may not be born alive into this world. So YEA I think my anxiety is a BIT different.

Again PLEASE don't curse me and my worrying and think that I don't appreciate the blessing that Logan is...I DO appreciate him - SO VERY MUCH! That is why I worry as much as I do. I have wanted to have children for as long as I can remember and I never imagined I would go through SO much to have a child. I am grateful to be at this point I just want to see this pregnancy completed with a healthy alive child in my arms! I have faith that all will be okay - without my faith I don't know where I would be right now.... but I still worry. I'm not perfect by any means...

I can't explain the past week or two but they just drag. I am so emotional for no reason really other then anxiety and worry. Don't get me wrong I don't sit around and have horrible day dreams all day I just want to know there is a completion to this pregnancy in sight. A day when I know that by that day at the latest I will meet my son! It's all just slowed down SO much.... I feel like last friday's appointment was a month ago. It's crazy to make it through 9 months, that for the most part went fast, and then have the end just seem like a lifetime. Non BLM's that I know are telling me to "enjoy these last moments of time to myself", etc. - and I'm going I have enjoyed them and I am ready to NOT have them anymore. I am ready to leave behind my "me" time and designate that time to Logan and my family. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I know I could never be fully prepared for how my life will change - but I know it will - BRING IT ON! I'll miss my sleep and my t.v. time and being able to go to a movie whenever I want or a "quick" trip to the store.... but who freaking cares!!! All that I can think of now is the day I will get to hold Logan in my arms and I know that I will never be able to imagine how wonderful it will be but I can't wait to experience it!! Maybe the next time I write it will be about Logan's birth..... <3

Latest Belly Shot (from last week)

Here's the latest picture - but it was from LAST week as I am currently 39w3d)

Belly Progression :)

Riley, Peyton, Cameron -

We love you so much and wish you were here with us, playing and laughing. We know you are happy and healthy in Heaven and I am sure Nana is having so very much fun with her great grandchildren. Hug each other tightly and give Nana so many kisses and hugs too - tell her how I wish you could all be here to meet Logan when he is born <3 I love you all so very very much it hurts my heart - send mommy love and lots of peace this week <3

Nightmares vs. Reality

I had a HORRENDOUS nightmare last night - well really it was this morning but you get the idea.

None of the dream was logical at all but of course - as dreams always do - it totally seemed real. I was working with a bunch of people I know setting up a banquet or a restaurant or something - no clue. Then someone tells me there is a message for me so I go in the kitchen and a friend tells me that they are sorry. And I knew immediately that they meant about my baby. They said that the doctor called and that the baby was gone (I say baby because they didn't specifically say Logan). Then someone asked if there was a candle they could light to remember him... I just stared in shock with my mouth open and then literally fell to the ground bawling and screaming. I was just laying on the ground screaming and crying my eyes out and yelling "WHY GOD! 25 WEEKS! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!"

And then I woke up - crying - it was AWFUL! My husband was sleeping so I got up and went to the bathroom and just sat in there and cried for a few minutes and kept telling myself "It was only a dream my baby boy is okay!" Then I went and got the fetal doppler and checked for his heartbeat. At first I couldn't find it and I was just crying and then I found it right above my belly button and I just kept crying and saying "thank you thank you thank you I love you baby Logan". Man it was an awful nightmare but I was soooo relieved to hear his heartbeat.

I went back in the bedroom and gently woke my husband up and said I needed a hug. And he was worried and asked if everything was okay and I said yes Logan is fine but I had an awful nightmare. Just thinking about it made me cry again but my husband just held me for awhile and Logan started kicking me - oh how I LOVE that feeling - and then we were both able to fall back asleep.

Today has been an emotional day. VERY emotional. I think that nightmare just put me in an amped up emotional state. I'm really overly worried about my baby shower and feeling like a failure as a mom because we don't have the money to buy everything that I want Logan to have. I just have to pray that he will get the items that we need and go from there. Luckily there is a store an hour away that another BLM told me about (thank you! you know who you are!) called Once Upon A Child that has gently used items that they sell. So I certainly want to go there once both showers are over so that we can get any bigger items at a lower price.

I am a hormonal mess and I truly hope that it goes away after today because I am so sick of crying. I know Logan is fine and deep down I know that I will be a good mother but I just worry. And apparently today worrying makes me cry - a lot - and I am hoping the crying chills out now that my husband is off to work because my cat certainly isn't as much comfort as he is!

I HATE nightmares! I can't stand how 90% of the nightmare makes no sense and yet the horrible part always seems TOTALLY real! Luckily by the time I go to bed my husband should be home not long after in case any other bad nightmares pop into this stupid brain of mine... it would have been far worse had he not been there to calm me down. I love my wonderful, caring husband and we both love our little Logan! So stay put and stay healthy little man... keep on growing! <3

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,
Mommy and Daddy love you so very much! Keep a close eye on your little brother and watch out for him. We miss you more than words can say and wish you could be with us. Tell Nana thank you for the Christmas gift - I really loved it so much! Give her a hug for me and always remember that we will ALWAYS love you!

21w4d pregnant!

So as Christmas draws near I am filled with hope as I feel my little Logan move more and more each day. But at the same time there is this nagging voice in my head that tells me not to get naive again and think that we are out of the woods. I worry but I have faith that all will be well this time around. I pray that I am right. I pray for our little boy every day and night and that my body will not fail this sweet child.

This is the Christmas card that I made to send out to family this year

I felt bad for not including Riley, Peyton, and Cameron on the card but I knew that many people would not understand and I can't emotionally handle judging remarks and/or questions from anyone with all these hormones raging around in my pregnant body. I gave one to my grandma today and she loved it she said Logan was very cute and thought it was amazing that the u/s showed so much detail - she's so sweet. I wish I could show it to my Nana - I wish she was still here, she would have been thrilled to have a second great grandchild. But at the same time I know she is in a much better place and out of all the pain that cancer brought her. It was just SO sudden and she was gone so soon. You can read more about that here is you are interested.

So much has happened since last Christmas. I got surgery to remove the tissue in my uterus. My husband and I went to FL and met his two brothers and sister (who he had NEVER met - they are all in their 30s) and his two aunts (who he hadn't seen since he was ten (he's now 25)! We celebrated our anniversary by going to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. We went camping with my family to the Adirondack Mts. where I fell and injured myself quite badly. Me and my mom left camping to go to my Nana's bedside where she passed early the next morning from a rare form of Leukemia (she was diagnosed with it 2 days before though we knew it could happen someday it was VERY sudden). I got pregnant the next month with twins and took a road trip to visit my husband's sister in VA, then to his one Aunt in SC and to see his Nana and Papa (who he had not seen in 5 years). Lost one twin at 10 weeks pregnant. Found out we were having a little boy! Made it to many milestones in this pregnancy now I have been pregnant over twice as long as ever! It's amazing how much can happen in a year....

This year I have far more hope in my heart than I did last Christmas. I pray this hope is not naive. I pray you all have comfort and peace this holiday season. I will be mourning my three angels and my Nana as we celebrate. <3

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron,
Hold each other tight this Christmas and always remember mommy and daddy love you. Please hug Nana for me and tell her the whole family misses her dearly. Hugs and kisses to you my sweet angels!