Monday, June 18, 2012


I'm so sick of myself - I'm such a conundrum - my life is just one big freaking conundrum. A nonsensical ride through parenthood. I'm blessed to have Logan but also just so done with being tired. I
am happy my husband works nights but then also pissed he works nights because I get no help if Logan doesn't sleep in his bed at night. I am in love with my son beyond all measure but so mad that he sleeps better during the day then at night lately and I want to throw a little 1 year old temper tantrum right this very second. I love my husband for being a fabulous daddy and helping far more then many fathers probably do but I get frustrated because he certainly doesn't "get" the lack of sleep and energy that I have put into the last 7+ weeks.

If one more person IRL gives me advice and says "it'll get better any day now" or "I remember those days" I'm going to scream! I'm going to literally rip my hair out, throw my hair in their face, and then scream at the top of my lungs for them to SHUT UP! Give me some USEFUL advice because telling me it will "get better any day now" doesn't do crap for me - literally it is the equivalent of saying - "yep it sucks huh?" at least saying THAT would be a statement and not a piece of "advice"shrouded in complete crap.

As I write this I don't blame you if you hate me right now. I don't blame you if you think - "WOW what a horrible ungrateful mother she is!" I really don't blame you! I deserve those thoughts and honestly I think that of myself at least one to one trillion times a day. You know what I'd love? I'd love to sleep.... even more than that though I would love to not feel a whole heap of guilt for wanting  needing to sleep. Lately Logan will barely sleep solidly unless he is sleeping ON someone's chest. Sure, of course, you say - lay him down - he'll scream but he'll stop sooner or later - blah blah blah. Yea, ok, SURE take a guilt ridden mother and tell her to let her child scream for hours.... no thank you. Remember two posts ago? The kid screamed off and on (more ON then off) for practically 6 hours straight.... so please tell me what good will laying him down and letting him scream really do for me? Exactly - it will do nothing!

So please - if you read this and you have kids - tell me a moment when YOU were at your wits end! Tell me how you handled it.... if you dealt with this sleep issue what did you do? I promise not to complain about your advice in future posts I REALLY do want it! For extra credit tell me how one earth I am supposed to survive on 4 hours of sleep for the rest of my life....or until the magical day when "things turn around" (whatever THAT means)....


  1. Sorry things havent gotten better:( I think its easiest for everyone to say it will get better because...there is no perfect advice! What works for one baby may not work for another. I know when I had complete exhaustion (gonna fall asleep standing up) moments, I called my mom. She lives close and she would come sit with Jack while he cried so I could sleep. It didnt make everything perfect, but for an helped. Im so sorry things have been rough. I wish I could tell you the perfect solution, but there isnt one. The first few days and months are just HARD. I know what its like to want an answer and for things to get better NOW. All you can do it ask for help from those around you and not worry about looking or feeling like a failure mom. You are NOT failing!! I know you love that little boy with all your heart and the mommy guilt we put on ourselves will tear us apart. I know...Ive been there! So, thats my adivce. Love you friend!

  2. Oh, Jessica. I'm so sorry! I don't know that I have any great advice, other than letting you know that Logan is still young enough that if he will only sleep while on you, then let him. I remember sleeping on the couch in the living room, just so Gus would be able to get some sound sleep at night. I also remember sobbing my eyes out because I was getting angry at him for screaming, then being hit with the "I'm a terrible mother for thinking this because I have other kids in Heaven and this is what I asked for" guilt. I'm sorry I can't push a button for you and make it all better. When things really got tough for me I took the advice that I had read several times in various books--if you need a break, then set Logan down and let him cry in order to give yourself a break. Since he would be crying anyway, it doesn't do YOU any good to not go and reset yourself. Sometimes I would just put Gus in his crib and go in the bathroom for three minutes to reset my mind, close my eyes and tell myself that I could go back in there and try again to calm him down. Hugs to you.

  3. I'm sorry things are so rough. Is your mom nearby? Your aunt? Sister? Friend? Have them come over and spell you for a night. For the first four months of Bennett's life my mom stayed over every Thursday. I LIVED for Thursdays. I would be so sleep deprived I couldn't see straight. She would clean the house, cook dinner and send me to bed. When Bennett needed to nurse she popped him in bed with me, otherwise she had him.

    You are a wonderful mother. This is HARD work and you are doing a great job. Be kind to yourself, we need sleep to stay sane! I wish I lived close enough to help.

  4. Jess,

    My Emily was just like that and it was so very hard. I don't really know how I got through her first year. It was tough! What I did was cry and beg her to stop and just let me get a little rest. It didn't help, but it's what I did. Things were really, really bad. She SCREAMED at the top of her lungs for hours and hours no matter what I tried. Nobody could or would take care of her but me. I was alone with a screaming baby and a toddler for hours and hours. I walked and walked and talked and talked and cried and cried and begged and begged and prayed and prayed, but sadly it didn't get better. Honestly it didn't get better for a very long time. I too felt like a terrible mother. I was tired and didn't have the patience that I should have, but it was so hard! This is not helpful to you at all I know, but I just wanted you to know honestly that I have been in your spot and didn't know what to do. It happens to many of us, we just don't want to admit it. Well at least I never did because I was ashamed that I couldn't calm my own baby down. Sadly, I never did help Emily to calm down or sleep better. I just didn't know what to do.

    Later though, I had another child that was just like that too. It was my fourth child. This one I handled better and had more patience. What I would do with this child is distract her. I would take her outside and show her everything my eye could see and tell her exactly what it all was. She loved the moon and the stars. I would talk until she had fallen fast asleep. I would do that until she had been asleep for about ten minutes and then lay her down in the room with me. It didn't fix her, but it helped a lot to take that adventure outside every night. She didn't always fall asleep, but it still helped to calm her down. Another thing I did was turn on the shower and take her in the bathroom for a while. I don't really know why, but that helped too.

    I don't know if those things would help with Logan or not, but that is what I did. You are an awesome mom and you are not doing anything wrong. I do know how you feel though. I am so very sorry that your sweet little boy is giving his mama such a hard time. My heart goes out to you for I have been there and know what you are going through. I will keep praying for you and Logan. I love you my friend and I am here for you if I can help in any way.


  5. I should copy and paste this post on my blog. I have many times just wanted to scream - she has reflux, that won't help!!! I often feel like a failure of Mom and totally useless, helpless, and alone. I'm so sick of people's ideas and ways to help. I'm also sick of the judgment. I literally want to scream - she has reflux, this is not my mothering style. All this to say, you won't hear from me "hang in there" or "it will get better". All I will say is, although it's a struggle, find one positive thing for the day and focus on that. I have had days where a glimpse of a half-smile was my focus for the day. Hugs for you!

  6. My husband works nights too and I have to be honest and say that sometimes I just want to punch his face in! lol. Seriously, he gets to sleep in the daytime when the kids are at school and daycare, so his sleep is never interrupted. We've had many a fight about this. It also makes me mad when he says he'll get up with the baby on the weekend, but then the baby cries and he doesn't wake up. So, I have to wake him up and by then I might as well get up. If he does let me 'sleep in', it's till like 9:30am.

    I have four kids and I can tell you (at least in my experience and most of my girlfriends's experiences) that husbands suck ass that first year. Don't ask me why. My husband is a great But for some reason, that first year (with each of our kids) just brings out the worst in him. But, of course as mothers - we don't get the luxery of checking out until they are 1 year old.

    For advice.....I used the book, "On Becoming Baby-Wise." My first kid wouldn't sleep unless it was with me and never took naps and when I tried to let her 'cry it out' she was already old enough to climb out of her crib...and it was just awful. A cousin of mine had 3 kids (and they were all boys) and they were the best behaved kids I had ever seen and she used that book. I tried it with the rest of my kids and it worked (for me.) I will say though that each kid is different and while the book worked for both, it was much easier with one than the other. And to this day, that one is just more of a difficult child than the other.

    Any ways - pick up the book; give it a try. I'm a Type A mom who likes schedules, so the book was perfect for me. And the book is controversial so don't be suprised to hear some negative comments about it. I don't think any parenting advice is perfect. But, that's my two cents.

    Oh - and it's perfectly normal to look at your sleeping husband and want to poor a glass of cold water all over his face....or so I've been told.

  7. Jess, I sorry you are having such a rough time. You are not a bad mom, you are a sleep deprived person, you are allowed to vent.

    I wish I had some magic advice to help. C.S. wasn't collicky but she would only nap on me or the husband until we started swaddling her again at 4.5 months. She needed to be snuggled so she wouldn't wake herself up with flailing arms when we set her down. There are still times she wakes up every 45 minutes but there are also times she sleeps for 6 hours.

  8. I don't have any advice. I just wanted to offer a big virtual hug and apologize for the reply that I just now left a few posts back. (Ooops!) I just offered something from your 2nd paragraph on here... so go ahead, scream and tell me to shut up! I promise I can take it... and it might make you feel good. ;-)

    Cameron is four years old and I'm telling you there were WEEKS when I would pray just to make it through the next hour. I look back now and seriously have no clue how I made it through some days. Then again, I have the perspective of being 4 years out from those first weeks. I remember getting the same "hang in there" crap and thought, "You have no clue, you idiot or you wouldn't be telling me this!" That said... I promise you, this will pass! As much as it sucks right now... it will not last forever. That, my dear, is the only promise and help that I can give at the moment. Four years from now, you will have EARNED the right to share that "useless, crappy advice" with a new mom also. Until then, I'm sending you massive hugs and prayers!!!

  9. Okay, so you asked...

    "tell me a moment when YOU were at your wits end! Tell me how you handled it...."

    When I get this way, I make sure the child has everything she needs (she's been fed, diapered, snuggled, she's not sick and needs baby tylenol or her nose sucked out, she's not too hot in her current outfit...) and if she's still not happy and I'm about to go loco. I put her in her crib with her pacifier and favorite blanket and then I leave. Well, I go to my room to chill out. And at times - I'm sure I'll get crucified for saying this - I turn the baby monitor off for 15 mins. Because I really can't listen to her scream like that in my ear without blowing something up! Then after 15 mins., I turn it back on. She's usually worked things out herself by then. However, if not, it's rinse, repeat...

    You also asked, "For extra credit tell me how one earth I am supposed to survive on 4 hours of sleep for the rest of my life....or until the magical day when "things turn around" (whatever THAT means)...."

    Well, "THAT" means when they finally figure out how to self soothe and don't need you to help them get back to sleep when they wake up at night - like we all do. ;-) However, "that" time comes at different times for different children. For Beth, it came at 3 months. She was a great sleeper. For Hannah, it came more at 8 months :-/ And again, how did I survive? Well, number 1, I did the afore mentioned things above. And number 2, I went back to work for adult conversation! LOL

    Love you girl! This too will pass.


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