Tuesday, July 26, 2011

So much to live for....

I've decided not to finish the 30 day challenge. I just don't have the will enough to do it. Too much else in life going on and there needs to be some want on my part to do it and it's simply not there. So I apologize for that.

It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog and maybe no one will read this post but it's something I need to get out. There has just been far too much to say. Do you ever feel that way? Like there are so many words that it's just overwhelming? Life has been overwhelming. It seems when it calms down in my life something just blows up. I'm so sick of it honestly. I'm sorry for the long absence but I appreciate if you would read this post - I don't have the strength to edit it so please bear with my typos.

June was nice - my husband and I went to Florida to spend time with his family. Two brothers and a sister he had never met. They, along with his aunts and cousins, were all wonderful. I miss them dearly. It's lovely to spend time with people you just met and within a day feel totally comfortable with them. In my opinion that's hard to come by. We were there for a week with his family and then spent two days together in Orlando for our third anniversary. We went to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. It was too dang hot but also fun. Harry Potter was our favorite ride. When we came home a couple weeks later (July 3rd) we went to a hotel and got a dinner package. We had a lovely night. We jokingly called it a TTC getaway.

The following weekend we went camping with my family. We found out while there that my Nana had been admitted to the hospital (my mom's mother). We had known for 3 1/2 years that she had a blood disorder called MDS but recently she had been doing okay. We had seen her in April at my sister's wedding (she lives in PA and we live in NY). They told us that they had her fever under control and she was doing ok.

Tuesday when we were in Lake Placid the one day our fun was cut short when I fell while walking down a steep asphalt hill. All my weight fell on the tops of my feet and my one leg. I managed to catch myself so nothing above my knees was injured. I think so much of me is used to protecting my belly all the times I have been pregnant or trying that it's a built in instinct now. I couldn't walk for a couple days and my feet bruised up really badly.

Wednesday morning we found out my Nana had been transferred to Roswell Park Cancer Institute which is in Buffalo, NY (near where we live). But we were 6 1/2 hours away in the Adirondack Mountains! They said her blood disorder had turned into Leukemia as we always new it would. It had turned into AML leukemia. That night they told us she was doing okay and her infection was under control. My mom talked to her but said she was disoriented.

Thursday morning my Nana's friend called and told my mom that Nana was dying and the nurses had told her to call anyone that would want to see her before she passed away. When my mom told me I said I'm driving with you mom - let's go. We hurried up and ate, grabbed what we could, someone programmed the gps and we left. Along the way we called who we could and told them the sad news and let them know if they could get there they should. There were eight siblings to contact (she had 9 but one passed away from cancer years ago). I made sure my cousins knew and they headed on their way. About halfway through our ride (about 2:30pm) my mom's uncle called and said that if we called Nana was doing well enough to talk to us. So we called and my Papa answered and put Nana on the phone. She sounded happy. She said she was doing good and we told her that we loved her and we were coming to see her. She said she loved us too and we hung up so others could talk to her too.

We arrived at 5pm and by that time my Nana had not been talking for awhile. All I could think was she didn't look good. Don't know why I would expect her to. My Papa tried to wake her up but she just got very upset about her IVs and oxygen in her nose, etc. so we told him to let her go back to sleep (she was on a morphine drip for the pain). We visited with family. Talked about all our great times together with Nana and someone off and on was usually holding her hand. By 1:30am me and my mom were going home to sleep for a couple hours. Twenty minutes after we got home (about 1 hr. 15 mins. after we left) my cousin (who is the same age as me) was texting me saying that the nurse was saying that Nana wasn't going to make it to the morning. So we got back in the car and went back up. We got there at 4am. She was breathing much heavier than when we had left. At 6:12 the nurse was ordering morphine drops and my mom got up to go to the bathroom. At that exact moment my Nana started breathing very shallow and me and my cousin knew something was different. She talked to her a bit and then I held her hand and told her that we were all with her, that my sister wanted her to know she loved here, and that we all loved her so much and she could go Home now. We would see her soon. She seemed to open her eyes a bit in these few minutes. I was holding her hand when the nurse came in and said she was gone and that she would give us as much time as we needed.

My Papa had been partially asleep, so he didn't know till the nurse said that (or at least it didn't seem that he knew). My cousin and I believe that my Nana got her way even in the end. We don't think she wanted Papa to see her last breaths and we think she waited for my mom to leave the room. She knew. That was how she wanted it. Stubborn to the very end. I'm bawling now typing this all out because, honestly it is the first time I have fully relived that night "out loud" (so to speak). My Nana passed away on July 15, 2011 at 6:15 am. A little over a month after her 72nd birthday. FAR far too young. I will miss her deeply for as long as I live. I was sad later thinking about how she would never meet my children that I have and then I realized that she met my children even before me. She is loving on her grandbabies Riley and Peyton up in Heaven. She's taking care of them for me.

My mom told me later that when my Uncle Tim had talked to Nana he had asked her is she was afraid to die and she said "I'm not afraid to die but there's so much to live for." So true. I'm so glad that my Nana is not in any pain any longer. I think that she always knew she didn't want to live with Leukemia, live with that pain. So when she found out she had it I believe she wanted to see her family and she wanted to go Home to Heaven. I know she's smiling down on us every day, wanting us to be happy instead of sad but we just miss her so. I got a ring in the mail that I had made to remember her. It says "So much to live for" Nana 7.15.11

I will cherish it.

A week later - the 22nd - I turned 30. I had a good time spending time with family, friends, and a lovely day out with my husband. I have to say though it was hard. Hard to turn 30 with no children. I always thought I would have 2 by now. When I got married at 27 I thought okay well 1 by the time I'm 30. But that wasn't in God's plans. Still makes me sad though. But either way, I survived. I'm 30.

This is our second month TTC. I believe with the fall and the extreme stress of my Nana's death that God knew last month was not a good time to get pregnant. This month I was started on medication and on Thursday I get to see how my eggs are looking. So I'm praying that this month is our month! If we have a girl her middle name will be Julia after my Nana.

This is a song me and my mom were singing (through tears) in the car on the way back up to Roswell at around 3:50am.

Riley & Peyton I love you so very much! Give Nana hugs and kisses for me every single day for me. I love all of you so very much and I miss you more than I could ever explain. I am glad that while I can't be with you, you can all be with each other. Keep ahold of those pieces of my heart that you all have. One day my heart will be whole again and we will all be together. Your momma(granddaughter) and daddy(grandson) love you very much!


  1. Oh, sweet Jessica! I'm so sorry for all your pain! Your Nana sounds like a great person!!! And her parting message... so much to live for... wow, so true! Thanks for sharing!


  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. I love your Nana's quote: it's both inspiring and thought-provoking. It's a good reminder for us. Thinking of you and your family. <3

  3. I'm very sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Yes, she is taking care of your babies now and that is a comfort to you, I know. It's hard to give up these precious people in our lives, but your family stayed with her till the end. What a comfort that must have been for her at the times when she was awake. xoxo

  4. I feel the same way right now. It's not that I haven't written on my blog because there is nothing going on, but more of the opposite. Feeling overwhelmed and having a hard time coming up with words for how I feel. Hugs to you! And Happy Birthday. I know these special days are always a little bittersweet without our babies.

  5. Thinking about your Nana loving on your babies made me tear up. Makes me think of all the loved ones past that get to love on our babies before we do... a happy sad thought.

    I am praying for some good looking eggs! Dear Jesus let these eggs look awesome!!!


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