Thursday, August 4, 2011

Sneak attacks suck...

It just hits me sometimes ya know? Like a ninja sneak attack. And it SUCKS!

I was just taking a shower this morning and thinking about how the craft show I am in is coming up. Then I started thinking... last year when I was preparing for the craft show I was thrilled to be pregnant. By the time the craft show happened it was two days after I found out my sweet Peyton had gone to heaven. I was still carry Peyton but I knew I was no longer pregnant with a live baby. The only thing worse than that is finding out your baby is no longer alive. People that day that knew probably thought wow she's doing pretty well.... I wasn't. It was just good to have a distraction. But I wasn't doing well. No where near well.

Then I thought if Riley hadn't died I would have an 11 month old right now. If Riley did die but Peyton didn't I would have a 5 month old. In a few weeks I will have passed BOTH my children's angelversaries. Oh how I hate those days.

Even thinking back on the words "no heartbeat" make me want to vomit. Literally. Almost a year ago I found out Peyton was gone. Almost a year and a half ago I found out Riley was gone. It's sad that in the future I will dread sonograms SO much. Sad. But true. Sad that I am 30 with no children.

Sneak attacks SUCK.


  1. Yes, sneak attacks do suck!! (((hugz))) I'm feeling the sadness of an angelversary right now :-(


  2. I hate days like that. Those moments hit out of the blue. They never go away as quickly as they come on either. Nope, the make themselves at home and stick around for days, or even weeks. I hope your grief lifts soon.

    Aren't you allowed to start trying this month? I was thinking about you the other day, and I thought August was your month. If so, I pray you have success soon.



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