Thursday, January 12, 2012

Nightmares vs. Reality

I had a HORRENDOUS nightmare last night - well really it was this morning but you get the idea.

None of the dream was logical at all but of course - as dreams always do - it totally seemed real. I was working with a bunch of people I know setting up a banquet or a restaurant or something - no clue. Then someone tells me there is a message for me so I go in the kitchen and a friend tells me that they are sorry. And I knew immediately that they meant about my baby. They said that the doctor called and that the baby was gone (I say baby because they didn't specifically say Logan). Then someone asked if there was a candle they could light to remember him... I just stared in shock with my mouth open and then literally fell to the ground bawling and screaming. I was just laying on the ground screaming and crying my eyes out and yelling "WHY GOD! 25 WEEKS! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!"

And then I woke up - crying - it was AWFUL! My husband was sleeping so I got up and went to the bathroom and just sat in there and cried for a few minutes and kept telling myself "It was only a dream my baby boy is okay!" Then I went and got the fetal doppler and checked for his heartbeat. At first I couldn't find it and I was just crying and then I found it right above my belly button and I just kept crying and saying "thank you thank you thank you I love you baby Logan". Man it was an awful nightmare but I was soooo relieved to hear his heartbeat.

I went back in the bedroom and gently woke my husband up and said I needed a hug. And he was worried and asked if everything was okay and I said yes Logan is fine but I had an awful nightmare. Just thinking about it made me cry again but my husband just held me for awhile and Logan started kicking me - oh how I LOVE that feeling - and then we were both able to fall back asleep.

Today has been an emotional day. VERY emotional. I think that nightmare just put me in an amped up emotional state. I'm really overly worried about my baby shower and feeling like a failure as a mom because we don't have the money to buy everything that I want Logan to have. I just have to pray that he will get the items that we need and go from there. Luckily there is a store an hour away that another BLM told me about (thank you! you know who you are!) called Once Upon A Child that has gently used items that they sell. So I certainly want to go there once both showers are over so that we can get any bigger items at a lower price.

I am a hormonal mess and I truly hope that it goes away after today because I am so sick of crying. I know Logan is fine and deep down I know that I will be a good mother but I just worry. And apparently today worrying makes me cry - a lot - and I am hoping the crying chills out now that my husband is off to work because my cat certainly isn't as much comfort as he is!

I HATE nightmares! I can't stand how 90% of the nightmare makes no sense and yet the horrible part always seems TOTALLY real! Luckily by the time I go to bed my husband should be home not long after in case any other bad nightmares pop into this stupid brain of mine... it would have been far worse had he not been there to calm me down. I love my wonderful, caring husband and we both love our little Logan! So stay put and stay healthy little man... keep on growing! <3

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,
Mommy and Daddy love you so very much! Keep a close eye on your little brother and watch out for him. We miss you more than words can say and wish you could be with us. Tell Nana thank you for the Christmas gift - I really loved it so much! Give her a hug for me and always remember that we will ALWAYS love you!


  1. I hope today is filled with peace and joy. Sending prayers and big hugs and squeezes your way! Cling to the Truth- God's Got this!

  2. Oh Jess,
    I am so sorry. That very thing happened to me far too many times when I was pregnant with Ben. I am so glad that you had that doppler and Nate to help you through. I am praying for you and Logan and I am not going to stop. I know so many others are too. I will also pray that you never have another nightmare like that again. If you ever do and Nate isn't home, I am only a phone call away. I know it isn't the same as someone being there in person, but please feel free to call anytime if you ever need someone to talk to. God bless you and your family.

    Lord, please help Jess and Nate through these next few months for I know how scary their journey is. Lord, please keep Logan safe and healthy in his mother's womb. Lord, please give Logan a safe arrival into the outside world. Lord, please let them enjoy this little boy for the rest of their lives on this Earth. Thank you, Lord!

    Dear Riley, Peyton and Cameron,
    I just wanted to let you know that I love you little sweetie pies and think of you every single day. Thank you Riley and Peyton for visiting me in my dream. You are both so beautiful! I would love for you to come visit again and bring Cameron with you too. Before you do that though, please visit mama and show her your beautiful faces. I know she would love that. Besides, it just wouldn't be fair if was the only one who got to visit you. Most of all sweeties, I am writing to you to ask you to please watch over your brother Logan and your mama. Thank you sweetie pies!!

    Lots of love to you all!

  3. Big hugs!! I'm praying that the nightmares stay away and give you some peace.

    We have a Once Upon a Child here also. I LOVE consignment shopping. (You will become addicted once you see the price differences vs. retail shopping.) We have a seasonal sale that comes to our area, twice a year - a Spring/Summer sale and a Fall/Winter sale. I consign and shop that sale. My second time shopping there was on my due date! I do not shop retail. Because of the good prices, I'm able to buy Cameron's entire seasonal wardrobe in one shopping night.

    When I was pregnant, I wanted all the nice and fancy stuff. I didn't think about the debt we'd put ourselves into... trying to get pregnant. I was heartbroken that he had to use a borrowed crib because we couldn't afford the beautiful nursery set I'd been eyeballing in the fancy baby furniture store. I learned quickly, however, that they grow too fast to spend all that money. He never cared that his crib was used. Half the stuff we bought my first child, didn't even get used.

    Try and cut yourself a break. He won't care if you don't have everything you wanted for him, as heartbreaking as I know that is for you. He is getting the best, most amazing gift... parents who love him!

  4. Pregnancy dreams are the worst. When I was pregnant I constantly dreamed that my husband left me because he didn't love me anymore, and then I had to find someone else to love me and my baby. Stupid dreams.


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