Lessons this "Mommy of a toddler" has learned so far....

(LONG TIME NO POST! Yikes!!! Haha! I have been a busy bee with my Thirty-One business....more about that another time....)

I have a couple friends (and my sister!) that will have babies within the next 4 months or so! Baby central around here. And then there's crazy lunatics like me starting to wrap their heads around having another one sometime! Haha! I looked back through my posts from when Logan was first born till he was about three months - oh how I dread that the next time around with a toddler to take care of too! YIKES!

I have learned a lot through raising Mr. Logan the past 16 months or so. Basically the most important thing that I think I can say is ALL CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT! I have heard many mamas say before that we should just take the books that they make telling you the milestones and what your child should be doing at this month, week, day, etc. and just throw them out! I agree IF those books are making you overly worried. If you can read those milestones and understand that it IS okay if your child is not the same as what the book says then ok fine - but those books should in no way be your Bible for child rearing and what not!

SO with that said.... differences in children.... Logan got his first tooth at 3 months!!! Very early! He's been growing those suckers non stop ever since. I have a friend who's baby barely had one tooth when she turned ONE! They are ALL DIFFERENT!

Logan rolled over once each way then NO ROLLING AT ALL until 8 months old or so and then he was literally rolling across the room! He didn't start crawling until after he was one and didn't start walking till her was about 15 1/2 months and he is still a little bit of a drunk walker LOL! BUT this mama KNOWS that her boy is just fine!! He hasn't said a first understandable word yet but he babbles a ton.... and again that is OKAY!

Anyways my main point here is sometimes you just need to IGNORE what all those other kids out there can do and realize that if something were really wrong YOU would probably instinctively realize it before some random other parent! Same goes for in laws and your parents....just because THEY raised you or your significant other does NOT mean that they know whats best for your child!

So to any mama out there reading this.... if there are any ;) KEEP YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH! YOU ARE DOING AN AWESOME JOB! We all raise our children the way we see fit and you know what? THAT is great! We need to have unique children not children all raised the exact same way to be the exact same people. God made us unique! The best thing everyone can do is embrace their own individuality AND their children's individuality :) If we were all the same the world would be a boring place!

With that said LOVE UP those moments with your kiddos and do your best to not feel guilty for taking time for yourself and let the freaking house get messy for goodness sake - because really if it's not hurting anyone WHO CARES :) 

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron,

We love you sweet babies! Mama and Daddy think of you EVERY day! Watch over your brother and hug your Nana and Aunt Alice <3

The love of our lives....

I just wanted to write quick and say I am sorry for my lack of updates. I can't TELL you how many times I WANT to write.....but life is crazy - with a 4 month old and packing to move to the new house things are rough. 

Here's a few pictures.....

HAPPY 4 MONTHS!

TRYING TO ROLL OVER!

BIG SMILES!

TIME WITH MOMMY!

HOPEFULLY I WILL BE ABLE TO UPDATE MORE SOON ! :)

Baby Love

Not much time to post today (as usual)... my boy keeps me busy and when he doesn't I have to do boring crap like clean bottles and do dishes (BOO!) HOWEVER I am sure these super cute videos will make up for my lack of words :) ENJOY!

Logan's Birth Story

For those that read the post weeks ago Logan was originally supposed to be born via a scheduled c-section on April 30th.... well he decided he wanted to choose his birthday.... here is his story.

On April 28th I was feeling HORRIBLE! My stomach was killing me and I barely ate anything, when I tried to eat dinner I threw up 6 times literally one minute after eating... I of course was totally freaked out and worried that something was wrong and this illness could hurt Logan. I called my Obgyn's answering service and asked for a call back from my doctor. Within about 10 minutes he called and basically told me that this could be my body preparing for labor and clearing out my system. He said if I could keep liquids down then there was no reason to be worried. This was at about 7pm and at 9pm I ate some chicken noodle soup (except I ate none of the chicken LOL). Around midnight I went to bed and told my husband he really should too in case I went into labor overnight. He didn't come to bed until 2am. At 3am I woke up to go to the bathroom and halfway down the hallway felt a huge kick... as I sat down to go to the bathroom I thought "huh, I have read about water breaking and they always talk about a big kick... how funny would that be if my water broke." but I didn't REALLY think it would. Well, I sat down and it happened - There was a gush of water and I knew I hadn't peed LOL so then I'm sitting there going ummmm what do I do because I know that it just keeps gushing once it breaks. SO I manage to get up to get a pad and all and I look in the toilet and the water is brown! So I knew that was NOT a good thing as that meant Logan had passed his meconium while in the womb. So I was slightly terrified by the complications that could arise from that but dwelling would not help any of that so I went into prepare mode and got moving. LUCKILY I had packed everything I could weeks before and hours before had packed everything except pillows, etc. in case labor did happen so I didn't have much to grab. I called the hospital and told them my water broke, the meconium was in the water, and that most likely it would still end up being a c-section given my discussion with my doctor.

At around 3:30 or so I woke my husband up. He is not an easy man to wake up. I was like "Nate! Nathan! BABE! Honey WAKE UP!" Finally he was like "What?" I said "My water broke!" He was like "Huh? REALLY?" he then say straight up and said "WHAT DO WE DO?" lol - I said we get our stuff together and go to the hospital silly!!! Then I told him to get ready and I called my parents. They said they would head out as soon as they got ready. Ten I grabbed my list of the last minute things I needed to grab such as pillow, eye mask, ear plugs, etc.

We got to the hospital at about 4:15am and checked in and then we were sent right on up to the maternity ward. I was taken to a room and given the ever lovely hospital gown and told to change, etc. Then I got in bed and they hooked up an IV - first attempt was unsuccessful because they said I was most likely dehydrated from being so sick the day before.... lucky me - I HATE needles! The second attempt failed and the third finally worked - yikes! I was checked and I was 80% effaced and 2cm dilated. My contractions had been pretty light until about 30 minutes of being in bed then they started to suck big time!!! They very quickly went from like 7 minutes apart to 5 minutes apart and after about an hour to an hour and a half they were 2 minutes apart. In the meantime I would like to mention that my water continued to gush out - seriously the GROSSEST most uncomfortable thing ever!! While the contractions were horribly painful the hot water gushing out every couple minutes was just disgusting and horrible - I HATED IT!!!

So at around 8am they checked to see if there was any progress - there was NONE! Geesh! So the doctor was called. When he came in an hour later he checked and I was more like 4-5cm dilated but the head was not in a good position at all, the baby was face up, and given the meconium in the water there could be added risks. So I was given the option of natural labor continuing or choosing a c-section. I choose a c-section. By 9:30 a catheter was put in - I wasn't overly worried about it because I had a catheter put in before but HOLY CRAP it was not good - needless to say the last time I had it done the person was much better - eek! While that was being done Nate was told to put his suit on over his clothes so he could come into the room for the surgery. My contractions were still every 2 minutes at this point and very very painful - I had basically been in tears for over an hour at that point and was terrified of getting the spinal especially with the contractions I was having! Next I was shaved - not cool - you know how they have electric razors with the attachments etc. for cutting men's hair? Well when there is NO attachment it's just that metal thing... well THAT is what they shaved me with - Yikes! Then they rolled me out of the room and into surgery after a kiss from my hubby.

I was beyond terrified when, after switching to the surgical table they asked me to sit on the edge to get my spinal. Upon sitting up a horrible contraction started and I was crying from pain but also from being terrified that I would get another contraction when they gave me the spinal! Luckily they did a fabulous job and it wasn't bad at all!!! The IV and catheter were way worse! After that I had to lay back down and they quickly strapped down both my arms and hung up the blue "curtain" to block the gory show from my eyes ;) Then I they were pinching me to see if I felt pain...I didn't. I heard them calling for Nate (who had apparently ran back to the room for our camera) and a minute or two later he was sitting by me holding my right hand. The meds made me itchy so it was driving me crazy that I couldn't itch my face. After about (I'm guessing) 15 minutes they pulled the "curtain" down and all I saw was Logan's feet and it was back up - no crying!!! 0 they told Nate to sit down and I guess ran over to the warmer with Logan. Nate and I were both crying at this point and had no idea what was going on - all I kept asking was "is he okay???" Finally Nate said he was and seconds later Logan was screaming bloody murder! I asked what time he was born and they told me 10:19am. They brought him over to see me for the first time and after kissing him a few times he punched me LOL - sassy little bugger takes after his mommy ;)

Nate went to the nursery with Logan while they weighed him, etc. and I got put back together. A nurse came in to tell me he weighed 9 lbs. 3 oz. and was 21 inches long. They gave me Zofran halfway through gluing me up (they glue the incision instead of stitching) because I started feeling nauseous and after what seemed like forever (probably more like 40 minutes) they were blowing up this balloon thing around me and sliding me back to my hospital bed (that was entertaining lol).Then I was wheeled back to my room and before going in saw my parents and my papa looking into the nursery watching daddy and Logan :) At that point I believe it was about 11:30am and they asked if I wanted to see Nate - I said sure - then they said he was still in the nursery so I told them to let him stay with Logan and my papa came in to see me. After that my parents came in and after what seemed like forever and about 12:20 or so Nate wheeled Logan in and I got to hold my son in my arms for the first time. Of course I was bawling - I was so happy - it was SO surreal. I was a mommy and I was HOLDING MY SON! I told him he was beautiful and we had been waiting a long time to see him and that his nana and his siblings in Heaven were so happy he was safe! While pieces of my heart will always be with Riley, Peyton, and Cameron I never would have thought I could ever love someone as much as I love my sweet little Logan. My life changed so drastically in that second that I was handed my son. I feel sometimes that there is not enough room in my chest and that my heart will just burst with all the love I have for him. As I write this he is laying on my chest. Snuggling with him is the best feeling in the world. I never would have imagined he would be so amazingly cute or how massive the amount of love I have for him would be. Also just how much more I love my husband for going on this journey with me and seeing him become and amazing father to our son. I am one blessed mama!

I was in the hospital for 5 days. Logan was admitted the 5th day - and I was allowed to stay with him - because he had jaundice and other then when he was feeding he was under the lights for 18 hours straight. It was awful to barely get to see him but they were nice enough halfway through the day to wheel the incubator into my room so that I could at least SEE him. For the most part my stay was lovely. I had my issues but other than one nurse who decided to push with all her might on my uterus (if I hadn't been screaming in pain I would have literally PUNCHED her) the other nurses were all great. I had issues with the fact that they did not have consistent thoughts on breastfeeding and I believe the "advice" I basically had to take (I mean I couldn't get out of bed so what could I do) is what made breastfeeding not possible :( Logan was a great little latcher but all the nurses (except for a select few) kept telling me I had to let him sleep and let him go HOURS without letting me try to nurse him. At one point they let him sleep for 7 hours! So I truly believe this had a HUGE effect on my milk never coming in. I have since gotten over this but not being able to breastfeed was easily the saddest most upsetting part of my recovery so far. I did everything I was told to though so I do not blame myself for this outcome! He is a content little man even if he does have to be formula fed. His jaundice is almost completely gone at this point and he is doing very well. His little stump fell off his belly button yesterday so we look forward to that healing up and are happy that ugly black stump is gone ;) I will try to update when I can, for now here are some more pictures :) if you made it through the whole story - WAY TO GO :) :) and thanks for caring enough to read Logan's lengthy tale :)

Daddy & Logan

 Logan in his car seat on the way home

Welcome home Logan

In his swing :)

all wrapped up in the Moby - mommy doing dishes

Logan loves the Moby :)

Daddy feeding Logan

Logan with his new puzzle stool from Nate's Aunt (and family)

I love this little guy!

I love his "fleeting smiles" in his sleep!

AND his stretching face ;)

What can I say? I could stare at him ALL day long and not be bored one bit!! 

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron-

Thank you for watching over mommy, daddy, and your brother. We love you so much and know that you will always keep a close eye on Logan. Keep sending mommy peace and give Nana lots and hugs and kisses and tell her we can't wait for Logan to meet her one day! <3

Welcome Logan Charles Malloy!!

More to come soon but I know many have been waiting to hear the big news.... so for those of you who aren't friends with me on Facebook --- sorry for the wait! Things have been hectic ;)

Logan Charles decided to choose his own birthday (birth story coming soon with far more info).

He was born on April 29th at 10:19am via c-section. 9 lbs. 3 oz. and 21 inches long :)

Perfect in every way and far cuter than I could have ever imagined. We are soo soo blessed! I know Riley, Peyton, and Cameron were smiling down on us and watching over us through the whole pregnancy and especially through labor.

Not happy - he was comfy inside mommy

Meeting Logan for the very first time

Logan with Cameron "Molly Bear" 

Logan with his proud daddy

Looking dapper in his going home outfit

Our blessed, happy family

More Logan love

As promised a LONG time ago (sorry) here is Logan's crib but also how much I have done with his room in about a week :)

I hung up the curtains (there is tin foil on the windows to block out light)  and made up the crib and hung the decorations

Logan's dresser (it was painted years ago - doesn't match perfectly but oh well), storage for toys and the large thing to the right is my husband's closet that he shares with Logan now ;) 

Close up of the top of the dresser - Pirate Mr. Potato Head, pirate ship I painted, soon to be used frame, etc. 

Quilt hanging up and the 3 wall hangings that came with the bedroom set

Shelf to represent Riley, Peyton, and Cameron - with angels from Mary (thank you so much again!) I plan to add their Heaven's Doves photos soon :)

The FABULOUS rug in Logan's room - I LOVE it!

Not much to say at the moment as I am SO tired - pregnancy fatigue mixed with stupid daylight savings time messing me up.... I will post sometime soon about my baby showers (which were GREAT) and the sonogram I have coming up on THURSDAY! Yippeee.... to hold you over check out this AWESOME video I made!

Logan has been VERY active today - this was his movements during Lullabelly time (it's a belt you wear with a speaker that plays the music loud enough for him to hear it but not TOO loud) - He was listening to Baby Einstein - though all you can hear is what I was watching - House Hunters ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-BMiW1BCp0&feature=youtu.be

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron - Mommy and Daddy love you SO very much! Please watch over us and tell Nana how much I love her and how much your grandma (my mommy) misses her too! <3 

My angels plaques are now all up on the living room wall :)

Life has been anything but uneventful. There has been much to do and yet my lazy butt has not had the will to get nearly enough accomplished. I'm sure "nesting" will kick in but it sure hasn't lately! I'm content to chill with Gabby (my cat) in the recliner and watch endless seasons of House (I wish the were endless as I am now almost caught up)...

I have accomplished our baby registries which was a necessity with the mailing out of invitations. Nonetheless it was a great thing to be able to check off the list :) We have one at Babies R Us  (registry# 47863349) and Amazon :)

So now that the invites are sent out and all that it's just been fun to (yes I admit it) watch things slowly get purchased off the registry hehe! Baby Logan has been super active the past few days and I can tell some of these movements of his are going to HURT in a few weeks when he's bigger! This morning he was pushing on both sides of my stomach and I was like oh my that will not be good in a couple weeks!! But I love every movement and can't wait to hold him in my arms! OH and I passed my gestational diabetes glucose test with "flying colors" (the nurses words not mine)! I was THRILLED!!

My MIL has been annoying the crap out of me since I have been pregnant and well, let's be honest, pretty much 90% of the time I have been with my husband. She is a SEVERELY huge PITA and I've had just about enough! I have not seen her in LITERALLY over a year (not that I am complaining by any means) and yet she texts (yes TEXTS) my husband that she wants to be a part in everything! OH PLEASE! She told him she had the what to expect when expecting book for me and I'm going ummm YEA I have that! Why would you give that to someone who is SIX MONTHS pregnant!?! At Christmas time she was trying to get Nate to tell her my maternity shirt size - like I just go around giving that information out to people. Hello I am self conscience enough! GEESH! And then she has a fit when he wouldn't tell her the info - I swear I could just punch the woman! As if that wasn't annoying enough the past week she has been asking him if we ever did a amino or if I applied for WIC - so one and so forth... I'm like really? SHUT UP! I'm not an idiot I KNOW what WIC is and while I wish we qualified, sadly we do not. As for amnio - I KNOW she was asking because she thinks it's something that shouldn't be done and while I happen to be against doing them for my own reasons I certainly don't need HER judging ME! This may seem like I'm taking it too personally but ALL she did after our wedding was judge every little thing she thought could have been better and I feel she's doing the same thing with this pregnancy!

She swore that she didn't get the Christmas card we sent (I don't believe her) and I KNOW she is going to lie and say she didn't get the shower invite either. It's maddening! Honestly I don't want her to come but lying and saying she wasn't invited is NOT a reason! She's a manipulative lunatic and I will seriously be having nightmares towards the end of this pregnancy just thinking of her holding Logan! It's terrifying! Sad - but true! My husband knows all this - so I am in no way keeping my feelings to myself. His mother has been quite awful to me (behind my back) for YEARS so she has it coming. I refuse to be treated this way around my son whether it's her talking behind my back of not if it happens then that's it! We're going to have her over to talk to her about her insanity (she is bi-polar and unmedicated so I am not being dramatic) and tell her if it continues then she will not be able to be around Logan. I would rather him have one grandma then two grandmas with the knowledge that my MIL is crazy! That's not healthy and my child is FAR more important then hurting her feelings! Sorry if you can't take care of yourself and be a sane individual - I don't care WHO you are - you will NOT be influencing my baby!

No matter how well that talk goes she will also not get to know when I am at the hospital - I told Nate I just can't do it! She is one of those people that will stay FOREVER if you let her - so I could easily see her coming at the beginning of visiting hours and then literally not leaving till they kicked her out! And the thought of her holding Logan at all - let alone for long periods of time - makes me sick to my stomach. It's just far too much to worry about with all the other worries in my head. I just can't take the stress - so talking to my husband about that far ahead of time was just necessary.

WOW God Bless you if you made it through the MIL rant! Sorry about that but I really had to get that out!

Things are starting to progress with the apartment this week. I have been SLOWLY organizing the living room and we took the tree down (yea I know LOL finally haha) to make room for the computer desk that is currently in Logan's room. Once that is moved out we can get that room all Gabby hair free and put a door in the hallway to block kitty and all her fur from getting into the other half of the apartment. She'll hate it but OH WELL! Need her to get used to that door before Logan is born. Gabby has this lovely (*note sarcasm) whining meow that literally sounds like a baby crying. It's awful! So she needs to get that bs out of her system before baby boy is born and both rooms have the doors open at night.

Logan's room will be Pirate themed and I am painting the letters to his name to match the bedding set (see Pirate themed link). I also bought a wooden chest from Joann's that I am painting to look like and old Pirate's chest - even gluing jewels on it so it looks like necklaces are coming out of the chest when it's closed :) Both those things will be done by the first shower (which is Feb. 25th) because they will be decorations at the party :) Don't worry I will certainly post pictures! I am still planning on finishing the alphabet art but Christmas crafts threw me off my game so I need to get back on track and finish L-Z :)

Here is the invite my fabulous BLM friend Melissa made me (of course the original doesn't contain the blurry parts LOL)! I LOVE IT! Subtly pirate themed and super duper cute! Cost $15 for 120 invites and Wally Mart even GAVE us envelopes too when we picked the photos up! Can't beat that!

Latest Doctor update: Now he tells me I should be gaining more weight! UGH! I give up a month ago I weighed to much now not enough even though my uterus is measuring big. I don't know what the man wants from me LOL! At 26 weeks I had gained 13 lbs. but given I "had more there to begin with" as he so kindly put it he says that's probably okay. I go to see the doctor every 2 weeks now. I'll see him again a week from tomorrow. Everything is looking great though but oh how I wish i was getting a sono before 34 weeks!

Sooo it is insanely late or early depending on how you look at it - so I should head off to bed. My husband's new schedule has really thrown my sleep patterns for a loop!

I am singing "Held" by Natalie Grant at chuch on Sunday - I will try to post a video of it on my blog if I remember.

Thanks to all who made it through this post - it makes my heart smile to know you all care <3

Riley, Peyton, Cameron,

Momma loves you and I am ALSO making a special shelf for the three of you in your brother's room :) I will ALWAYS tell him about you so that he never ever forgets his guardian angel siblings :) Hug each other tight my loves until I can hug you all myself one day. You are always in my heart. I miss you deeply. Give Nana hugs and kisses for me!

What it's like to be me....

First off I want to start this by saying I am 12 weeks and 2 days along with my twins today and as far as I know all is going well. I have finished all 4 seasons of Felicity and need a new series to watch (suggestions appreciated)! On Friday I go to my specialist for a consult and an ultrasound where I can finally gain some actual peace of mind that all is well officially. Please realize this post is NOT me being depressed it is imply explaining what is like to be a BLM (or at least what it is like for ME as a BLM).

Don't judge me for discussing my grief. If you have never gone through the loss of a child you have no right to tell me that blogging about it is unhealthy. This helps me people judging me does not. If you DON'T plan to judge then feel free to read on, if you are judgmental then please stop reading this and my blog in general.....

For those stumbling upon this blog who may not know my story here is a shortened version....
My first pregnancy was care free until it ended abruptly at 7 weeks (2/11/10) after telling everyone we knew but before we ever saw a doctor. The first sonogram I ever got showed my dead baby. Riley was gone. That was the day my life changed. Forever. Six months later 10 weeks into my second pregnancy (8/19/11) I lost my Peyton. This was after a couple positive ultrasounds and a mere 3 days after seeing the heartbeat for the 3rd time. Almost a year after losing Riley I had surgery to remove a septum in my uterus that was the most likely cause for both my losses as my case was very severe. This is a condition 1 in 1,000-2,000 women are born with but most often do not find out until they have had miscarriages.

Being a BLM is not easy and becoming pregnant doesn't make it easier. I am, of course, THRILLED to be pregnant with twins but it is a scary, scary thing for me. The naivety most women have during pregnancy is now long gone. My first rainbow baby (a baby born after the loss of a child) did not survive and I worry about my twin rainbows.

For this entire pregnancy when I go to the bathroom (sorry for the TMI) I check for spotting. I worry every time that I will be spotting.

I worry about eating - I make sure I don't eat anything that is possibly unsafe for my babies. Many woman probably don't even worry about this but there are MANY things you are told to be careful of... to name just a few: creamy dressings (caesar, ranch, honey mustard,etc.) from restaurants, deli meat, unpasturized soft cheeses such as feta and bleu cheese, unpasturized apple cider, fish/seafood that is high in mercury... and like I said that is just a few items.

I worry that my babies are okay. It has been 5 weeks since my last ultrasound and while my prenatal visit went well it also went well with Peyton but Peyton was gone. That terrifies me. My doctor doesn't use a fetal doppler in the office because it is two hard to tell if you are hearing both heartbeats so without an ultrasound I don't have any definite proof that all is well.

I have normal worries too. I worry about finances and having everything we will need to take care of our babies. I worry about questions people will ask me when it is obvious I am pregnant (and not just plump).

You never realize how daunting some simple questions can break a BLMs heart. I NEVER would have thought that "Do you have any other children?" or "Is this your first?" could be so painful. Now I know different.

Until Friday I have my cat to make me feel all is well. She lays with me and for the past 3 years she ONLY has laid with me when I was pregnant. So she reassures me, which I greatly appreciate :)

So for those who read through this... thank you... and for those that are not BLMs remember to not judge those who have been through situations that you do not understand. And remember when you are encountered by someone who may not be all that friendly that you never know what that person is going through. Kindness, empathy, and a SIMPLE "I'm sorry" can go a long way in all situations.

This song is "Again" by Flyleaf - I saw them in concert for the 3rd time a couple days after losing Riley... this song and the lyrics below it - brought me to tears...



They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again



Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. I miss you so much right now. Hug Nana for me.

Operation "Boring as hell"

So folks I am now 11 weeks 1 day along :)

In case you don't remember my doctor said "bed rest, bed rest, bed rest." To be more specific he said that my life should be "boring as hell". I admit I am not treating it as strict bed rest. I sit up at the computer. I went out to a movie and dinner with my husband. But for the most part I admit my life is certainly on line with doctor's orders: "boring as hell".

Now I must say I am VERY used to this boring life. I have been unemployed since last May so needless to say I am VERY used to sitting around and not doing much. I have decided that in my complete maternity boredom I will start watching seasons of shows. I tried Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares but I mean that is not the type of show I can handle watching episodes and episodes in a row of.... it's a whole lot of British people saying the F word far to many times LOL at least it was the first episode I watched (and most people who use the F word continuously ALWAYS do). So I was checking out Netflix and I saw FELICITY! I used to LOVE that show! So I watched the pilot and couldn't remember a lot of it (I mean it has been over 9 years since that show ended).... so I decided hey if I have to sit around all the time why not relive my high school/college love of Felicity!! :) So I watched 10 episodes yesterday - YIKES I know! 75 more to go LOL ;) but I got nothing but time!

So I am still quite annoyed that I didn't get that ultrasound but I'm starting to get over it. I don't really have much of a choice. Currently the only thing I have that makes me feel like my tater tots are okay is Gabby laying near my belly. Weird but true.  My first trimester screening is Oct. 14th with my perinatologist I have a maternal/fetal consult and an ultrasound. So that is what I have to look forward to, that is my next milestone appoinment to make it to. For now I have Operation "boring as hell" and for the next however many days: Felicity ;)

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you. I miss you and I feel like you're with me when Gabby cuddles my belly. Is that your way of showing me you're watching over us? If so... thank you.

Questions about my tater tots...

So I was reading a new post today by a lovely momma I'm sure you all know. She really inspired me to write about something I have been thinking about for awhile. She spoke about her reactions when people asked if this pregnancy was "her first"....

When I was pregnant with Riley I had a full time job. I had let people know about my pregnancy at work, at church, on Facebook, pretty much the whole flippin' world knew. Within a day or two of breaking the news to everyone and their mother's hairdresser's aunt we got the bad news.... It sucked. I think all you BLM's out there know what I mean. It was devastating. Life crushing. It was a horrible, awful nightmare! My point is that then I told people... that was 2/11/10 and in May of 2010 I got laid off from that job. Haven't had a full-time job since... SOOooo my social networking has massively died down since then. So with my pregnancy with Peyton it was easier to not spread the news like wildfire because well, to put it simply I was never around people. It's easy not to tell people when you are sitting at home by yourself 85% of the time. Immediate family and a couple friends new.... that's it. But guess what? I still lost Peyton and it still sucked. Given the type of person I am I STILL told people about my loss and let me tell you telling them when they had NO idea I was pregnant again was NO fun at all. If anything it sucked more than when they did know.

Telling people in both cases back then made ME feel like I was the bad guy. I always felt like wow I'm such a jerk for making these people feel bad! Nowadays LOL all I can think is screw them - this happened to ME not THEM! It shattered MY life. If they feel a little pity and feel uncomfortable about such a taboo subject as baby loss oh freaking well. That is the least of my worries. Sure, I know, maybe this makes me seem like a jaded old miser and in a way maybe I am. But, I can only handle so much and feeling BAD about talking about my two children (Riley and Peyton) is NOT something I can handle anymore. So the people who want to ignore my pain or can't talk to me about my children... well those people are on the bottom of my list of important people in my life because Riley & Peyton are at the top of that list! If you are in my life and you want to ignore my children then feel free to see yourself out...plain and simple.

I have been asked many times already if my tater tots are my first pregnancy. I'm quite positive that to each person that has asked I have replied "no, I had a couple losses last year". In come cases I leave it at that and say "that's ok" (even though of course it's not) when people say "oh I'm so sorry". In other cases (people I know better, given the situation) I explain more... if they don't already know. Honestly since being laid off from my job mostly my social situations are with friends (who know the whole story) or at church. At church I have been VERY vocal about my losses. I sang I will carry you: including the slides shown in the post...If you watch until the end you will see information. After singing this song I was unable to sit in church as I was bawling my eyes out. But it was worth it. I also sand Unredeemed at church. You can see at the end of the first slides that our babies had not been named but soon after that song I "met" Mary who inspired me to name my babies. A month ago I sang Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns and in January I plan to sing Held by Natalie Grant. I'm vocal. Anyone who asks me about my babies , I tell them. I tell them as much as they are willing to listen to... I cherish my moments to talk about my angels.

I am SURE that at some point in this journey there will be a cashier or waitress who will ask me if this is my first pregnancy and I will simply nod or something. I just happen to be around people mainly who I know well enough to explain my case. But, I live a rather sheltered life as of late... and I'm okay with that. For now I just want to surround myself with people that care. They are the people that matter.

My MIL has yet to find out about this pregnancy - she never knew about Riley until I had lost Peyton. She has never been around me when I was pregnant. Personally, I have no interest in that changing this time around either. She is crazy and has a weird attachment to my husband. Mind you this weird attachment is only on her side - my hubby is totally normal!! I truly feel she could care less about me. Hasn't seen me since January and in the 3+ years we have been married has seen me MAYBE 10 times. Soooo she cares about seeing her son. Which is fine I just think that when she finds out I am going to be bringing her grandchildren into the world she will want to see me ONLY because of that. And she totally stresses me out. Just thinking about her stresses me out. Sooo at this point even when she finds out I don't think I can handle seeing her. Does that make me an awful person?

I've been worrying a lot lately about finances and me being jobless and what not. But I have to always remember to give it to God. I know He has a plan and that everything will work out :)

 Also... to answer a question on a comment from the other day. We are still calling the twins our "tater tots" but they are ALSO our "rainbow babies" - for those that don't know a rainbow baby is what a child is called after a woman's previous child is an angel. So I will call them one or both ;)

Riley & Peyton you will always be our first and second children! Even when we tell people we barely know that the tater tots are my first pregnancy don't think we forgot you or care any less. We just don't wish to make others sad sometimes. We will always love you, talk about you, and miss you. We will tell our tater tots (your brothers/sisters) all about you!! <3

Big news and a lovely surprise! (triggers)

So I was totally bummed when I didn't get pregnant in July but given the fact that I fell and hurt myself and the stress of my Nana's sudden death and all I figured God knew that wasn't the time. After thinking of all the stress my body was in that month I was happy that I didn't end up being pregnant. In hindsight it was a blessing really.

So on to August. I knew I ovulated at the beginning of the month so the first day that I may have missed my period I was like ehhh I'll test (I'm VERY impatient) LOL AND I blogged about the dream I had HERE.

Given the dream and all I just thought August might be our month. So that first test wasn't positive but when I looked at it hours later there was a slight line (same thing happened when I was pg with Riley). SO the next day i took another one and the line was a bit darker (see below)!

For those that are Facebook friends with me - SHHHHHH!!!!

So YEAA! I was thrilled! I already had a blood test (in case this happened) and I called my doctor's office to have them fax one to the hospital so I could get another test done two days later. I waited for the results and the next day they told me my levels were good (493) and two days later on Peyton's due date I found out that the levels doubled!!

So they scheduled an early ultrasound for 9/22 - so we could make sure the gestational sacs were within my uterus and all looked well. And it did - all looked well (check out the pick below).

TWINS!!!

So we prepared ourselves and got crazy excited (a little overwhelmed for a day or two LOL) and we went on our planned road trip to see Nate's family. I DO NOT suggest road trips of thousands of miles within 4 days when pregnant and in need of the bathroom ALL the time! UGH! Not fun! BUT.... the trip itself was fun (outside the car) and we were psyched to be able to share the news in person :)

This past Friday we got to go back and see the heartbeats!!

In this photo you can see baby b's yolk sac really well :) Though baby a's gestational sac takes over most of the picture ;)

 

Here you can see again baby b likes to hide a bit - as he/she did with the first ultrasound for a while LOL
Baby a's sac is larger but both were doing great! Baby a measured right on track and had a heartbeat of 150 and baby b was behind a few days (which they say is nothing to worry about with twins) and had a heartbeat of 129.

They are fraternal (two separate sacs) and they each have an angel sibling watching over them! Or they each have both watching over them (however you want to look at it!)! :)

We are beyond thrilled to be expecting twins! I couldn't be more excited! I have decided to tell friends and family because I don't believe in jinxing and I truly feel very hopeful and calm about this pregnancy. God has brought peace to my heart and mind and I believe that while this pregnancy may not be easy, all will go well!

Remember: For those that are friends with me on Facebook: SHHHH! I am telling people but not all my acquaintances on FB yet! ;)

YEA for my tater tots (our affectionate name for them until we know the sexes LOL)

I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him" - 1 Samuel 1:27

I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart. - Jeremiah 1:5

Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so much. Love each other and hug Nana for me! Watch out for your baby brother/sister(s) on Earth and keep bringing mommy peace. :) We will never, ever forget you.

NOTE: For those that this post may have bothered I totally understand if you don't wish to continue to read my blog. I plan to keep my blog the same and will discuss this pregnancy and my losses simultaneously so I understand if some can not handle that. For me my loss and my current pregnancy are intertwined - so they will stay that way on this blog. Thank you for understanding!

Dreamland

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Which for some reason has made me feel restless. Makes it difficult to sleep and when I do sleep I don't feel like I slept well.

Last night for the first time ever I had a dream that we had a baby. I have had dreams of babies that in my dream was Riley or Peyton but that I knew could never happen you know? They are in Heaven and I know that. While it was nice to see them in my dream like they were alive on Earth I know they aren't. This dream however was so realistic and I knew it was my baby boy. He was so sweet. So well behaved and he loved his momma. I would guess he was about 6 months old in the dream. He was cuddling with me and smiling and laughing and I was so very in love with that little boy. My baby boy.

It was surreal.

When I woke I IMMEDIATELY wanted to go back to sleep and see my baby again. Hold my little boy. Alas, I had to wake up and make a dish to take to my Nana's second memorial service. A sad time. I cried SO much more at this service than I did at last weeks. Overemotional? Is Aunt Flo coming to visit? I HOPE NOT!!

I barely ever dream and I certainly never remember my dreams so clearly. I wish I was good at drawing faces because maybe then I could have sketched his face when I woke up. Some say you have weird dreams when you are pregnant. I hope that's true because I hope that I am.

For now I'm going to try to finish my book "The Help" (as I am seeing the movie this week) then I am going to sleep and pray that I dream of my future child(ren).

Momma loves you Riley & Peyton!!!

I will praise you in this storm

Some photos I took and edited with Bible verses and song lyrics....

This song has meant a lot to me on hard days....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ

Beautiful Music

I wanted to write about my friends CDs. They put one out in 2007, did a concert in our area awhile after that and have now done a Christmas CD. Each CD is $10 and there is a $2 shipping fee. They are using the money gained from these sales to put towards the adoption of an Ethiopian child. They have three beautiful biological children also :) This is their blog: Foster Family Journey. Feel free to stop there and encourage them on their journey and let them know you headed over from Jessica Malloy's blog :) They would love the support! THIS post mentions the CD.They also have a  Facebook page.

The Fosters have been working towards this adoption for years and are finally at the top of the list! Here is the site to go to if you are interested in purchasing the CD - ALSO you can check out a couple full examples of the songs and some previews of the others. I forgot to mention that the couple that is adopting the child is my church's Assistant Pastor and his wife. :)

Hushabye Mountain

Goodnight sweet babies. I heard this lullaby today and thought of you, wished I could rock you in my arms and sing to you as I had always dreamed. I will sing to you one day my darlings. Until then I will tell others how much you are missed and loved for the rest of my life. Hugging you one day will be the greatest day... we will all be together again. Mommy loves you!



"A gentle breeze from Hushabye Mountain
Softly blows o'er lullaby bay.
It fills the sails of boats that are waiting--
Waiting to sail your worries away.
It isn't far to Hushabye Mountain
And your boat waits down by the key.
The winds of night so softly are sighing--
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.
So close your eyes on Hushabye Mountain.
Wave good-bye to cares of the day.
And watch your boat from Hushabye Mountain
Sail far away from lullaby bay."

Hushabye Mountain - scene from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - Dick Van Dyke

Truly blessed...

Gabby my cute cat that lays nearby during my late night ramblings

I love my blog, I love my friends and family who read it, and I love my new BLM friends. This morning I checked my blog comments and saw that my friend Kourtney (who I graduated high school with - she has beautiful twins) had commented so I read it right away ( I <3 comments). This is what she said:

"just had a thought....quite a while after i was reading your blog.
I think that God has given you these children because He knew how much you would love them. Some people pass off abortions or early losses as nothing and you and others are carrying on their memories and souls with love and purpose.  I can't say that the grief you are going through now would be worth it (because i dont know how you are feeling) but i think YOU had been chosen to carry those lives that God decided to cut short because He knew that you would love them as much as He does.
GOD BLESS YOU Jess <3"

It makes me tear up again just reading it..... that comment meant SO SO much! I don't know if she will ever understand how much. But thank you for that Kourtney!!!

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Miscarriage has changed me forever. My hope and prayer is that I can take that change and do whatever I can to make good come from it. While I am sure for the rest of my life there will be days that I will cry over my angels that does not mean that I will not live my life. I will live my life. I will live it with them in my heart, if they can not be on Earth with me they will live through my words and through my voice. God gave me my children and while they were SO special He needed them in Heaven I will love them just as much as if they were here with me in my arms. Reading that someone believes that God entrusted these babies with me because my love would never die is simply amazing. It's true there are plenty of people who pass off miscarriages or abortions as nothing because in their minds there was never a child - so many children who are not loved and represented on Earth. They are loved in heaven though so that is amazing.

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My husband said something to me today right when he got home. I will try to say it in the same way though I am sure I will fail (but he has a worse memory than me so here's the basic thing he said)....He said that he was thinking that we would raise our children to love God in the hopes that they will one day be safe in Heaven (of course we never planned it would happen so early) and now they are. We never had to go through the worry that they would not want God in their lives. They are with Him already and they are some special little babies because God needed them so much, they are that important. As important to me as they are to God! This of course also made me cry.... in a good way. I have a wonderful husband! He doesn't realize how much he comforts me... but he does. Maybe if I say it enough in my blog and he reads it he will begin to believe me ;)

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I made more BLM penpal gifts today and I mailed them out when I mailed out the peacock feather earrings I sold from my Etsy shop (to the right is another pair I have made).
 Even if I was to never get a letter from any of the BLM penpals it would be okay. Making the gifts for others is so rewarding. Imagining a smile during a painful time for someone else makes me feel joy. Makes me feel needed (even if it's all in my head LOL).I could live with that... feeling joy and feeling needed... oh and at some point a baby on Earth... hopefully that last part is not pushing it!

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Soooo thank you to my friend Kourtney and my husband you too truly made my day. I'm huge fan of life throwing me huge blessings like that - God knows when we need encouragement and I feel blessed all the more for it.

Mommy loves you my angels....

Memorializing my babies

I just found out from a couple of sellers on Etsy that they are sending my memorials that I ordered. I am so excited. After this second miscarriage all I could think is that I want something tangible I want something I can display, or wear, something to show others that these are my babies and always will be. I tear up when writing this because these items are the closest I will get to holding my precious children. But I hope that they see that mommy loves them and this was my way of displaying that.

I believe these sellers should get recognition for the joy they are bringing me. Here are their sites. They have beautiful, affordable treasures and I hope you enjoy them.I have put pictures of the items I bought under each of the sites I bought them from :)

Sculptures:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheMidnightOrange

Our sculpture!

This is her beautiful postcard! Art in itself!

Jewelry:
http://www.etsy.comt/shop/bugaboojewelry

An ornament/necklace

A bracelet with Feb. and Aug. birthstones

A custom necklace with the birthstones and dates our babies grew wings

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I paint plaques/signs and make jewelry. I plan to soon make myself a plaque with the dates my angels grew wings. I will post a picture when I have completed it. My hope is to sell these in my Etsy shop and my website so that I may bring a bit of joy into the lives of others who have suffered a loss like mine. It's a sad unfortunate club with way too many members.

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I woke up with a call from my dad today. It was great to hear his voice. I often speak to my mother once a day at least. She would call me to see if I was feeling okay when I was pregnant because we were all worried after the last miscarriage. I was always feeling nauseous but not like something was wrong. Oh how my body lies to me. Now she calls to see how I am feeling after surgery. I appreciate those calls.

I know I am loved.

I thank God for the love I am surrounded by every day. Without that love I would be a shadow of my former self. They help me to stay strong. I love them even more because of that. I forgot to mention other family in my previous blog - this was wrong of me - they are so important to me too. My cousin has been such a help. I drove to her house after my second loss and she hugged me, talked to me, and gave me fresh cookies :) It was nice to calm down after finding out bad news all alone. My aunt is also such a joy! She told me she would come pick me up (after I found out about the second loss) and to call her whenever she could help. I drove myself home but was touched by the offer. I will never go to another visit alone when I am pregnant (in the future) and I know she would join me if I needed her. She took me to my D & C the first time. I doubt all my family understand the depths of my love for them. My babies would have been surrounded by love in our family but I know they are surrounded by love in Heaven for they were.....too beautiful for Earth.