When I was pregnant with Riley I had a full time job. I had let people know about my pregnancy at work, at church, on Facebook, pretty much the whole flippin' world knew. Within a day or two of breaking the news to everyone and their mother's hairdresser's aunt we got the bad news.... It sucked. I think all you BLM's out there know what I mean. It was devastating. Life crushing. It was a horrible, awful nightmare! My point is that then I told people... that was 2/11/10 and in May of 2010 I got laid off from that job. Haven't had a full-time job since... SOOooo my social networking has massively died down since then. So with my pregnancy with Peyton it was easier to not spread the news like wildfire because well, to put it simply I was never around people. It's easy not to tell people when you are sitting at home by yourself 85% of the time. Immediate family and a couple friends new.... that's it. But guess what? I still lost Peyton and it still sucked. Given the type of person I am I STILL told people about my loss and let me tell you telling them when they had NO idea I was pregnant again was NO fun at all. If anything it sucked more than when they did know.
Telling people in both cases back then made ME feel like I was the bad guy. I always felt like wow I'm such a jerk for making these people feel bad! Nowadays LOL all I can think is screw them - this happened to ME not THEM! It shattered MY life. If they feel a little pity and feel uncomfortable about such a taboo subject as baby loss oh freaking well. That is the least of my worries. Sure, I know, maybe this makes me seem like a jaded old miser and in a way maybe I am. But, I can only handle so much and feeling BAD about talking about my two children (Riley and Peyton) is NOT something I can handle anymore. So the people who want to ignore my pain or can't talk to me about my children... well those people are on the bottom of my list of important people in my life because Riley & Peyton are at the top of that list! If you are in my life and you want to ignore my children then feel free to see yourself out...plain and simple.
I have been asked many times already if my tater tots are my first pregnancy. I'm quite positive that to each person that has asked I have replied "no, I had a couple losses last year". In come cases I leave it at that and say "that's ok" (even though of course it's not) when people say "oh I'm so sorry". In other cases (people I know better, given the situation) I explain more... if they don't already know. Honestly since being laid off from my job mostly my social situations are with friends (who know the whole story) or at church. At church I have been VERY vocal about my losses. I sang I will carry you: including the slides shown in the post...If you watch until the end you will see information. After singing this song I was unable to sit in church as I was bawling my eyes out. But it was worth it. I also sand Unredeemed at church. You can see at the end of the first slides that our babies had not been named but soon after that song I "met" Mary who inspired me to name my babies. A month ago I sang Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns and in January I plan to sing Held by Natalie Grant. I'm vocal. Anyone who asks me about my babies , I tell them. I tell them as much as they are willing to listen to... I cherish my moments to talk about my angels.
I am SURE that at some point in this journey there will be a cashier or waitress who will ask me if this is my first pregnancy and I will simply nod or something. I just happen to be around people mainly who I know well enough to explain my case. But, I live a rather sheltered life as of late... and I'm okay with that. For now I just want to surround myself with people that care. They are the people that matter.
My MIL has yet to find out about this pregnancy - she never knew about Riley until I had lost Peyton. She has never been around me when I was pregnant. Personally, I have no interest in that changing this time around either. She is crazy and has a weird attachment to my husband. Mind you this weird attachment is only on her side - my hubby is totally normal!! I truly feel she could care less about me. Hasn't seen me since January and in the 3+ years we have been married has seen me MAYBE 10 times. Soooo she cares about seeing her son. Which is fine I just think that when she finds out I am going to be bringing her grandchildren into the world she will want to see me ONLY because of that. And she totally stresses me out. Just thinking about her stresses me out. Sooo at this point even when she finds out I don't think I can handle seeing her. Does that make me an awful person?
I've been worrying a lot lately about finances and me being jobless and what not. But I have to always remember to give it to God. I know He has a plan and that everything will work out :)
Also... to answer a question on a comment from the other day. We are still calling the twins our "tater tots" but they are ALSO our "rainbow babies" - for those that don't know a rainbow baby is what a child is called after a woman's previous child is an angel. So I will call them one or both ;)
Riley & Peyton you will always be our first and second children! Even when we tell people we barely know that the tater tots are my first pregnancy don't think we forgot you or care any less. We just don't wish to make others sad sometimes. We will always love you, talk about you, and miss you. We will tell our tater tots (your brothers/sisters) all about you!! <3
You are such a GREAT mama Jess!!!!!!!! Riley, Peyton and your tater tots are all so blessed to have you! Nobody could ever love them more than you do!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYour precious babies are known and LOVED by so many because of you! You show the world how important they are and how proud you are to be their mama. You are an amazing protective and loving mother.
Lots of love to you and ALL of your precious babies! You are all in my thoughts and prayers!
Love,
Mary
I have gone through (and still am) that exact same struggle. I love our precious Angels but sometimes it is just not worth the explanations...then I feel guilty for not mentioning our Angels to the world. It's so bittersweet.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy every precious minute with your Tater Tots!
I'm with you Jess. When people ask if this is my first pregnancy, I now say "No, its our second". If the person continues with "Oh, how old is your older one?" I reply with "Our first child died". Of course this nips the conversation in the bud, but I just don't want to feel as if I am somehow denying the existence of our child. In most cases these are strangers that I will never see again, but I don't feel guilty about my actions at the end. I feel more honest...even thought I sometimes worry that by saying our child died they may think that our child was actually born and then died, but really, does it matter? Our child is gone and that pain will never go away, and I realize that people are just making conversation and not trying to be mean or put 'us' on the spot, but at the end of the day, I have to live with myself and my feelings - and I feel like I am keeping my baby's memory alive. Do what works for you Jess!
ReplyDeleteAfter our 4th loss we got pregnant with Eli... at first it was awkward telling people "no this is our 5th pregnancy. We have 4 angels in heaven..." After he was born, people asked "is he your first..." we both started saying "hoping for more soon" with a half smile. Truth is people aren't really that interested... more to break the silence during an elevator ride or long line at the grocery store. This week I had a Doctor appointment, it was the first time seeing this new Dr. So when she asked me how many pregnancies I have had I said "7" without blinking... it is so routine for me now. It took me a moment before I noticed she was staring at me confused. Then I looked at her Scribe who was taking notes and I noticed her mouth gaping open. That is when my quick 20 minute appointment turned into an hour long conversation. Then the Scribe told us that she lost a baby over the summer and didn't tell her family. It made me realize that there are people that are truly interested and God puts random people in our lives that need to hear our story.
ReplyDeleteTry not to stress about MIL. If your hubby wants to tell her about your lil tots, then let him... leave it at that... phooey.
Have you thought about seeing if you qualify for WIC? I have had LOTS of friends apply, thinking they make WAY TOO MUCH, but end up qualifying! Not a bad thing either... Free milk, cheese, eggs, peanut butter, fruits and veggies! AND their breastfeeding classes are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!
I love it that you call them tater tots! LOL
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're bad for not wanting your MIL in the picture. If she's wacky and your hubby is normal, he probaby realizes his mum is crazy. If he doesn't want you stressed - and you don't need to be right now - then he should support you! And if he does, who's to judge you!?
Love you girl! So excited about that taters!
((hugz))
Jamie