The things I wish people NEVER EVER SAID!

**READ ENTIRE ENTRY before you get all high and mighty**

1 - First thing no one should ever say..... ANYTHING to degrade someone's appearance EVER
**you're too skinny, fat, dorky looking, gawky, awkward.... etc. etc. RUDEEEEE**

First off let's get something straight! EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL! You are ALL freaking BEAUTIFUL! I don't care if you are 100 lbs. or 600 lbs., I don't care if you have acne, or think you are freakishly tall. Or that your nose is too big. You know what. YOU are the way YOU are meant to be in this moment! God made us who we are. Can we alter that, sure we can. But we are all
B E A U T I F U L!

 1) Societies views of BEAUTY are beyond psychotic. It is sickening and sad how quickly children think they are too fat or feel bad about themselves. Sickening. Adults are teaching them these socially constructed ideas....WE NEED TO STOP THIS. Teach our children to LOVE EVERYONE to see beauty in all people. STOP the judgement.

2) We are adults - and we are the worst with this. People who are hearing these degrading words likely have called themselves that or thought that EVERY DAY! People know what they look like, know what people think. I wish we could all see how beautiful we were to those who love us. I wish we all knew that. I hope for even ONE moment that beauty is shown to each and every one of you through something, someone. You deserve it. 

3) Life is beautiful. Life is good. Life is SO MUCH MORE than our looks. The sooner we can see this - the sooner there are more beautiful days to share with others....

DO NOT LET THE WORLD TELL YOU THAT YOU AREN'T BEAUTIFUL!

Easier said than done - heck yes!

2 - "You are SO lucky to have it EASY and get to be a Stay at home mom..." Add to that "Oh you JUST have X amount of kids...."

Mothers deal with a LOT - WAY too much to be honest. As a stay at home mom we get the glory of it all (sarcasm intended)!  We deal with far more than most AND on top of that we have morons thinking we are living the high life not having to work. 

1) Many moms would like to work - would like to get out a bit. Childcare is expensive. Logically many stay home because why on Earth would they work just to pay someone else to raise their children.... and then there would be judgement for THAT.

2) It is not EASY by any means being a stay at home mom - it is WORK lots and lots of WORK. To the point where honestly I find it hard to relax...when most people leave the mess in their office they can forget it till the next workday....not me because I LIVE WHERE I WORK! So I am constantly reminded of the failure to clean the counter, do the laundry, do those dishes in the sink... so on and so forth. NOT FUN PEOPLE - NOT FUN!

3) Stop saying JUST in regards to kids. EVERYONE has different things to deal with as a parent. We all have different things to deal with in regards to our children. So by saying JUST it implies that we are lazy our somehow doing something wrong by not having/wanting more children. It is not your right to assume that you know how many kids anyone should have NOR should you assume they CAN have more children - you may have hit a VERY tough nail there with that simple saying and seriously put a dark cloud over someone's day. THINK.

4) Stay at home moms have the most under-appreciated, overly glorified job known to the world. Here anyone who is NOT a SAHM thinks it's the bee's knees AND we get paid NOTHING. We have the hardest job that literally NEVER ends. We are at our job 24/7 - no sick days, no vacations, no personal days. On call ALWAYS.

5) If we are seen in public it is somehow shocking our child(ren) are not tied to us.... and then if daddy is with them he is praised for being so great to BABYSIT..... um he's not babysitting - they are HIS KIDS - and also - my so easy job I do EVERY day is someone now massively noteworthy for him? Crazy.... I would say so (no qualms on my hubby here - this is not his doing and I DO appreciate those moments of grocery shopping to not have to take an unwilling child - but I think you get my point)

6) As a stay at home mom it can be VERY hard to feel like you lost that part of you that felt useful bringing money into the household. To lose that part of your identity. To be seen as someone taking care of the house, the kids, the husband. It can begin to feel almost demeaning. It's hard

I digress....I could go on and on

(in the same respect lets not judge working moms - we all do what we need to do. Just don't judge in general - I just feel being a SAHM is too glorified...when in reality it is NOT easy!)

3) "Why are you so emotional, sad, just wake up and BE HAPPY"

Mental illness is a huge epidemic. People view suicide as weakness. It is often the result of a mental illness. The sad end to a person who could not handle what their brain and body were put through. It was not selfishness. It was not the easy way out. It was not any of the awful things people say and think. 

1) There are SO many mental illnesses. The most commonly heard I imagine is Depression. Been there. Terrified DAILY (literally) that I will become depressed again. There was no cause of my depression. It literally seemed like I woke up one day and I was sad. UNbarably sad. I sought help. Went through some hellish, awful times, and improved. But I still get sad. For apparently no reason. In those moments I fear that sadness won't send. It''s terrifying. It's a constant struggle. But I am so happy to be who I am. To not be labeled "Depressed" anymore. But that time taught me more than anything DON'T JUDGE mental illness. You do not have ANY idea what that person is dealing with!

2) Medication is NECESSARY for most of these illnesses! It is not a weakness, it is not laziness, it is not drug seeking behavior. I was medicated when I was depressed. It helped. I am alive today because of the love of my family and because that medication helped me. Again STOP the judgement just STOP!

3) Mental illness is not something that you can just wake up and ignore. It's not a BAD MOOD. It's a disease. A switch that isn't connected right in your brain. Stop treating people that have these illnesses like they are having an off day like they lost their job... it's not the case. It's not that simple.

#4 - At least you ONLY had a miscarriage.... at least you weren't far along... everything happens for a reason - ANY statement WHATSOEVER about losing a child.....period.

1) You should never say ANY statement about the loss of a child. No matter when that loss happened. Whether you have endured a loss of some sort too - it doesn't matter. Say I am sorry for your loss. Give a hug. Lend and ear. NEVER compare. 

2) I DO believe that I will meet my 3 babies in Heaven one day. I feel them with me often. My losses were all 14 weeks or earlier in pregnancy. But they were devastating. As any loss is. Don't compare such a tragedy. Ever.

3) Don't compare infertility with losing a child. Infertility is it's own battle, I know many who have dealt with it. BUT it is not the same as knowing you were pregnant, dreaming of a baby in your arms, and losing that. It is just not. It is illogical.

4) You never know a battle someone may be fighting.... there is REALLY good chance that you know MANY people who have lost a child. Our society doesn't smile upon sharing our losses. I have always been open with my situation but many don't wish to be that way. SO don't think you know everyone's story.... don't comment on things that could seriously hurt a person. 

You know there are FAR more things I wish people NEVER said. Maybe I will write more someday. Tonight I was deeply deeply hurt because of a situation that a dear friend went through. Something she never should have had to hear. Something I wish I could take out of her brain. I am sending her love and hugs and kindness and many prayers. She is strong and I will always be here! ALWAYS!

I have dealt with ALL of these issues.

1) I am fat by societies standards. I would like to weigh less. I have been told by many I am fat.
2) I am a stay at home mom and I DO love having that ability - please don't judge my honesty - I love my children and am blessed to raise them at home. But it is not a piece of cake.
3) I have been through years of depression and survived.
4) I have lost 3 children to miscarriage.

 I was not always as strong a person as I am now. I could still very easily be dragged down a hole from any of these situations. Any of them. At any moment. I hope that I could bring myself out far quicker nowadays. I am beautiful. I am obese by societies standards. I am "JUST" a stay at home mom during the day - but also have a very busy new business. I have struggled with depression and lived to tell the tale (thank you Lord). I have lost three babies to miscarriages and have 2 on Earth with me. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. An aunt. A Granddaughter. A singer. A sensitive person. I am an artist. A friend.
I am many many things. And so are you. 

BE LOVING. BE KIND. KNOW THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

<3 Much love to you all

Surviving....

"Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three...."

No , sadly folks we are not in the chocolate factory with Willy Wonka! This lyric started playing in my head as I laid in the recliner with Logan on my chest asleep....man did I have to pee but the poor guy needed to sleep so I was staying put dang it!! Let me tell you when he woke up to eat and I got to pee that was GREAT lol :)

He wasn't as bad yesterday (or so far today...fingers crossed and prayers said). I hear colic comes in blocks - a few bad days, a couple good, repeat..... today (6/14) is my 4 year anniversary with my hubby...while we didn't see each other much today tomorrow we have plans :) thank goodness for my parents! My mom has helped SO much and they love to babysit and we NEED time together especially with the sleep issues lately!

Thank you to everyone for your loving comments on my last post. I am sure there will be more frustrating posts to come but for now I am just feeling blessed to have wonderful parents, an amazing husband (who thank goodness - works nights or i'd never sleep), and a baby in my arms to snuggle!

Hopefully Logan will be kind to mommy tonight and at least let me sleep 3 hours like last night!!!

Baby Shower and getting closer.....

So I know I have been super horrible about updating this blog since I have been pregnant - I admit it totally and completely! But ya know what? When preparing for a baby there is just SO much on your mind - yikes! Then of course I hit 34 weeks (I am now 36w3d) and it was like I ran into a brick wall - just NO energy! Geesh!

So here is the long awaited baby shower photos :) Mainly this post will be pictures because in all honesty I don't have the energy to come up with a word filled post (sad I know). The bigger Logan gets the less useful I become LOL!

This group of photos was from the first shower that was at the end of Feb. - the theme was pirate - as that is Logan's nursery theme :)

A dear friend made this to hang at the shower!

Logan's chest I painted was used for cards :)

His letters for his room were also decoration

My little sis, me. and my mom :)

Some of the presents :)

Some of the guests :)

Super cute cakes!

His room theme is pirates - how cute it this onesie?

AWESOME Rug for Logan's room!

His bouncer :) It vibrates and has a heartbeat sound - very cool 

The baby einstein jumper - my friends baby was fascinated by it LOL

Ornament that says "It's a boy!" SO CUTE!

These next few photos are from my second shower that was March 10th at my cousin's house - it was mainly family members (from my dad's side of the family) and a few close friends :)

Cake my cousin made - it was amazingly yummy as always!

Me with the cake :)

My cousin who threw the shower (to the left of me) and my sister to my right - playing a game :)

the beautiful blanket my aunt made!

Yea so I LOVE frogs so this blanket ROCKS :) hehe!

More frogs! SCORE! Love it! Even a cute little hat!

This is a fabulous floor gym thing - Logan can kick the piano hehe :)

Both my showers were lovely and I was EXTREMELY BLESSED! Logan now has all the items he needs - we did just order his take home onesie but that should be here in time I hope :)


Here are all the alphabet paintings :) They are done - now I am just waiting on my dad to stain a huge board so that we can screw all the canvases to it (and by we I mean him LOL). Once that and the shelf (to hang Logan's letters on) are done we can hang the last couple decorations and his room will be complete!

A-L that I posted back around Halloween!

Moon & Nest

Owl & Penguin

Queen & Robot

Snail & Turtle

Umbrella & Viper

Watermelon & Xylophone

Yellow Jacket & Zebra

The entire group - this is how they will be laid out on the board :)


My last ultrasound was March 15th when I was 34w3d and Logan was estimated to weight almost 6 lbs. - he's a big boy!
I CAN'T WAIT TO HOLD HIM!

He is getting to the point now where he is making mama VERY uncomfortable! Soooo I am hoping that since I am full term on Monday that he will choose to be ready a bit early! That would be nice!


Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mommy and Daddy love you so very much :) We will tell Logan all about you! Please take care of each other and tell Nana we miss her so much too! So glad she can be with you and that one day we will all be together. We will never forget you my loves! <3

Questions about my tater tots...

So I was reading a new post today by a lovely momma I'm sure you all know. She really inspired me to write about something I have been thinking about for awhile. She spoke about her reactions when people asked if this pregnancy was "her first"....

When I was pregnant with Riley I had a full time job. I had let people know about my pregnancy at work, at church, on Facebook, pretty much the whole flippin' world knew. Within a day or two of breaking the news to everyone and their mother's hairdresser's aunt we got the bad news.... It sucked. I think all you BLM's out there know what I mean. It was devastating. Life crushing. It was a horrible, awful nightmare! My point is that then I told people... that was 2/11/10 and in May of 2010 I got laid off from that job. Haven't had a full-time job since... SOOooo my social networking has massively died down since then. So with my pregnancy with Peyton it was easier to not spread the news like wildfire because well, to put it simply I was never around people. It's easy not to tell people when you are sitting at home by yourself 85% of the time. Immediate family and a couple friends new.... that's it. But guess what? I still lost Peyton and it still sucked. Given the type of person I am I STILL told people about my loss and let me tell you telling them when they had NO idea I was pregnant again was NO fun at all. If anything it sucked more than when they did know.

Telling people in both cases back then made ME feel like I was the bad guy. I always felt like wow I'm such a jerk for making these people feel bad! Nowadays LOL all I can think is screw them - this happened to ME not THEM! It shattered MY life. If they feel a little pity and feel uncomfortable about such a taboo subject as baby loss oh freaking well. That is the least of my worries. Sure, I know, maybe this makes me seem like a jaded old miser and in a way maybe I am. But, I can only handle so much and feeling BAD about talking about my two children (Riley and Peyton) is NOT something I can handle anymore. So the people who want to ignore my pain or can't talk to me about my children... well those people are on the bottom of my list of important people in my life because Riley & Peyton are at the top of that list! If you are in my life and you want to ignore my children then feel free to see yourself out...plain and simple.

I have been asked many times already if my tater tots are my first pregnancy. I'm quite positive that to each person that has asked I have replied "no, I had a couple losses last year". In come cases I leave it at that and say "that's ok" (even though of course it's not) when people say "oh I'm so sorry". In other cases (people I know better, given the situation) I explain more... if they don't already know. Honestly since being laid off from my job mostly my social situations are with friends (who know the whole story) or at church. At church I have been VERY vocal about my losses. I sang I will carry you: including the slides shown in the post...If you watch until the end you will see information. After singing this song I was unable to sit in church as I was bawling my eyes out. But it was worth it. I also sand Unredeemed at church. You can see at the end of the first slides that our babies had not been named but soon after that song I "met" Mary who inspired me to name my babies. A month ago I sang Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns and in January I plan to sing Held by Natalie Grant. I'm vocal. Anyone who asks me about my babies , I tell them. I tell them as much as they are willing to listen to... I cherish my moments to talk about my angels.

I am SURE that at some point in this journey there will be a cashier or waitress who will ask me if this is my first pregnancy and I will simply nod or something. I just happen to be around people mainly who I know well enough to explain my case. But, I live a rather sheltered life as of late... and I'm okay with that. For now I just want to surround myself with people that care. They are the people that matter.

My MIL has yet to find out about this pregnancy - she never knew about Riley until I had lost Peyton. She has never been around me when I was pregnant. Personally, I have no interest in that changing this time around either. She is crazy and has a weird attachment to my husband. Mind you this weird attachment is only on her side - my hubby is totally normal!! I truly feel she could care less about me. Hasn't seen me since January and in the 3+ years we have been married has seen me MAYBE 10 times. Soooo she cares about seeing her son. Which is fine I just think that when she finds out I am going to be bringing her grandchildren into the world she will want to see me ONLY because of that. And she totally stresses me out. Just thinking about her stresses me out. Sooo at this point even when she finds out I don't think I can handle seeing her. Does that make me an awful person?

I've been worrying a lot lately about finances and me being jobless and what not. But I have to always remember to give it to God. I know He has a plan and that everything will work out :)

 Also... to answer a question on a comment from the other day. We are still calling the twins our "tater tots" but they are ALSO our "rainbow babies" - for those that don't know a rainbow baby is what a child is called after a woman's previous child is an angel. So I will call them one or both ;)

Riley & Peyton you will always be our first and second children! Even when we tell people we barely know that the tater tots are my first pregnancy don't think we forgot you or care any less. We just don't wish to make others sad sometimes. We will always love you, talk about you, and miss you. We will tell our tater tots (your brothers/sisters) all about you!! <3

A lovely friend

Today was an odd day. I didn't really care to accomplish much and for no reason whatsoever I started crying. Emotional nutcase - thus the life of a grieving BLM. The pain never fully goes away. But I got a lovely, lovely email from a fellow BLM. It truly touched my heart and made my day. Here is the email:


Jess,
 Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and leaving such a sweet comment. I want you to know that I truly appreciate your friendship. Thank you for being so kind and supportive. You are a true blessing. I pray for you every single day and can't wait to share in your happiness when you find out that your rainbow baby is on the way. I am so sorry that you have had to wait so long for that blessing. I know it is hard when others are given the blessing that you would give anything to have and you are still waiting. I am so sorry! I know that your turn is comming very soon though. You WILL have that healthy baby in your arms! You will be able to tell them all about Riley and Peyton and how much you love ALL of them. You are such a wonderful mom. Not only to Riley and Peyton, but also to this little rainbow you are waiting for. You have already done so much for this precious baby and it hasn't even been concieved yet. You can't get a better mom than that! If I ever get to meet your little rainbow I am going to tell him or her just how much their mommy loved them long before she ever got the chance to meet them. You are a very special person and have helped so many of us through our grief. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your precious babies with us. God bless you my friend!
Love,
Mary (Micah's mommy)
http://blessednotcrazy.blogspot.com/

Mary is the reason my sweet babies have their names! I read about how she couldn't handle thinking of her little one up in Heaven without a name and I thought I need to name my babies too! So within a couple days of reading her blog we gave our sweet babies names. I will forever be grateful to her for that and for her friendship through this sad journey. I am so thrilled that she is having a healthy pregnancy with her rainbow baby. 

Thank you Mary! you mean so very much to me!

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Nouwen, Henri

"Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future.
Faith is having the courage to dance to it today."
- Dr. Peter Kuzmic, theologian, Slovenian-born, citizen of Croatia

 

Better to have loved and lost ?

"It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all"

Easier to believe if you haven't experienced such loss. That is for sure...

While I see the wisdom in that saying I also know that each and every one of us would take back our loss in a second. Would do almost ANYTHING to have our children back. Do I wish Riley and Peyton never existed at all? OF COURSE NOT! I know they are my children and I know they are safe and happy in Heaven and that gives me peace. But I wish for them to be with me... I always will.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my post from yesterday. I appreciate the outpouring of love more than you could ever know.

I know that I will always feel this pain, always feel this stab in my heart when people announce they are pregnant. I will always have tears come to my eyes when I receive a baby shower invite in the mail. No two ways around it. The pain of such heartbreak will never go away. Maybe it will dull in time but it will never fully be gone.

Someday when I am pregnant again I do not plan to hide it. I'm not going to scream it from the roof tops but I plan to announce it on my blog and tell all close friends and family. I have dealt with the heartbreak of telling people who knew I was pregnant that I lost Riley and then when no one knew about Peyton I told the people who didn't know. You know what? IT SUCKED. It was awful BOTH TIMES. It made no difference. I am not the sort to hide the truth and now that I know that either way is equally awful I plan to celebrate my future pregnancies for as long as I can. I will pray of course that there will be no more loss but I do not want to hide it when it comes the time.  I can not sit back and pretend that these pregnancies did not happen, nor can I sit back and be quiet about a new life growing in me when the time comes. Telling people will not save or doom a pregnancy but you know what it will do? It will have that child in more people's prayers. And THAT is all I can hope for.... a new life, with many prayers behind it.

Sadly even telling people, even announcing it will never be carefree as it is for so many. It will never be easy or full of pure joy. There will always be a coating of worry, of absolute terrified worry. I will have to trust at that time, have faith that God's will is for my baby to live. That is all that I can do. Have faith and take care of myself and my pregnancy....when that time comes I will do just that.

I am so thankful for every single one of my readers. Thank you for your love. I read a ton of blogs and I don't always comment but trust me you all mean so very much to me! I leave you with these two songs by a band that I love.... Jars of Clay. Take a few minutes to listen to them. They are beautiful.

The life of a grieving mother

It has been a hectic week. I was glad for that though because it made it easier to survive Peyton's due date (3/16/11), easier to be busy and unable to dwell on all the sadness of the day. That was a blessing.

This weekend had been good - still is I suppose - just had an off moment today. My husband's birthday was yesterday and on Friday and Saturday we celebrated and went out and got him free meals (Denny's, Moe's, Red Robin's) and went to the movies (Limitless & Adjustment Bureau - both were good but Limitless was fantastic!) and had a good time out with friends last night. I was exceptionally saddened though to hear of my sweet BLM friend's loss. She has now lost her second little one. Little Bee will be forever missed and it now with Valentina in Heaven. I am so devastated for her and she is in my prayers.

This morning I woke up far too tired but got up and ready for church. We arrived, found seats, and I was looking through the bulletin and saw that there was a sheet to fill out for memorial flowers. They do this every year for the Easter service and you can buy flowers in memory of someone that passed. I remember last year wishing that I had done that for Riley but we had stayed out of church for a month or so as I did not feel physically or emotionally ready to deal with those that did not know about Riley's passing. So we did not return in time to buy the flowers. So today I immediately decided I was doing this - and that was it - I filled out the sheet and the check and my sweet babies names will be in that bulletin. Everyone will read their names. They will know my sweet babies are loved.

I handled filling all that out gracefully - no tears - happy in having a way to remember my children. THEN the bomb was dropped. Our pastor announced that someone was pregnant. (Please realize I honestly AM so very happy for her I really am, it's just all so hard.) A friend of ours. A friend that I didn't even know was trying. Didn't even know they wanted children yet. A friend I am thrilled for but at the same time their joy immediately made me cry. I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. We go to a big church and I am bombarded by pregnant woman constantly. Many my age. Many who already have other children. Some who have many children and are younger than I am. I want children so bad and I have lost both of mine. People don't get it. If you have never lost a child YOU. DON'T. GET. IT.

There is no word to express the cruel nature of such loss. NO WORD TO ACCURATELY EXPRESS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE YOUR CHILDREN! There is physically no humanly possible way for me to EVER express to someone how gut wrenchingly awful it is. How it threatens to tear apart every fiber of your soul. How it is to see what you want most ripped from you TWICE within SIX MONTHS.... the awfulness is just impossible to explain.

This is my life. The life of a grieving mother. I don't believe it will ever be EASY to watch carefree pregnant women. That will never be easy for me. That will never be me. I am not part of that world. I never will be. That naive part of me is gone forever. Impossible to imagine me as that naive girl again. What would her world have been like? I will never know. That girl was not meant to be. There is no parallel universe where I am living somewhere happily bouncing my baby on my knee. I don't believe that. If I did it would be torture. Who would want to believe that? Nor do I believe that I am being punished and this is hell. I did nothing to deserve this. I don't think there is anything that anyone could do to deserve this... I believe there is a reason, and I may never know what that reason is. God had a plan. I will have a baby when I am meant to. I just wish there weren't so many baby bombs being dropped all over and blowing up in my face.

I survived. Came back in the room 10-15 mins. later. Sat down. Cried a little while listening to the rest of the sermon. Afterward I even found my friend and congratulated her. It was heartfelt. I really am happy. Just wish I had some happiness of my own in the same respect.

I just hope and pray that when that time DOES come that everyone I am close to handles it well. Happily. I will be upset if anyone has the gall to look scared that we can't financially support a child, etc. I. AM. NOT. WAITING. UNTIL. I. HAVE. MONEY. Money may "make the world go round" but it sure doesn't make a child's life better. Money doesn't buy happiness. I am not waiting because who knows what could happen. I want children. Hopefully more than one. And I will start trying when I can. If people plan to judge me they better get ready to see themselves OUT of my life. Judgements are not welcome here. Maybe I will wear that as a sign. Or get a shirt that says it.

Secretly I wish I could lock myself in a room until I am pregnant again. Sadly I doubt being pregnant will make any of these feelings go away. I think hearing baby news will always be hard, seeing pregnant bliss-filled woman will always be hard, getting invited to baby showers will always be hard. A pregnancy won't change that nor will a living baby on this Earth but sad feelings be damned. I want babies. I don't expect them to solve my lives problems. I just want to love them. And I will. I will love them here and in Heaven. For I will always have at least 2 children.

Their names are etched on my heart.

But there is room for more.....




Momma will always love you Riley & Peyton...

I cry

I was reading something just now and it made me tear up. This happens. Not as often as it used to really but boy does it happen. I was just sitting here thinking about that. Thinking about how I have always been an emotional person, always one to cry at weddings, funerals, sappy movies. It doesn't take much. I usually know from reading about a movie if it will make me cry, I could cry at a wedding or funeral even if I don't know the person all that well and I know that I will cry in front of our whole church when my little sister gets married in April.

This is me.... this is who I am. But losing my children just brought this part of me even closer to the surface. My skin is not as thick as it once was, I'm far more transparent. I don't say this as an insult to myself or a fault really - it's just the truth, it's just the way it is. This is my life now. Take me or leave me. I'm not going to change for someone, I'm not going to stop talking about my children, I am who I am. You would never expect parents of a living child not to talk about their children. Nor would you expect someone who lost a small child, teenager, or adult child to stop talking about their child. Well my children live in my heart and to me they were as much my children as they would have been had they lived on this Earth for 40 years! I was a part of them and they will always be a part of me.

The hardest part for me about losing Riley and Peyton is thinking that they never got to hear me say I loved them. They never got to see me. They never got to feel my touch. They never got to call me mom.... But I hope that up in Heaven they are filled with God's love and that they know that their mommy and daddy love them so much!

Ever since I was a child I remember movies or explanation from people in books, TV, or real life where people say that they never knew such love until they had a child. Well I have never known such love and my children never got to be born on this Earth. They were born into Heaven and while I am glad they are pain free and full of joy waiting to meet me one day, I still wish they were here. I still wish I could hold them in my arms, smell their sweet smell, and rock them to sleep. I wish I could see their first step, first word, first smile. And it makes me sad beyond any sadness I have ever felt that I have forever missed out on that. That time will never come.

One day (and it will seem like no time has passed for my sweet babies) I will meet them in Heaven and at that time all this pain will be gone and the fact that I missed out on those moments with them will be forgotten. There will just be happiness, joy, and love. I long for that time with them but I also hope that I will raise their siblings one day soon on this Earth. All I can do is pray that day will come.

For now I cry... not only because they died but because I am here without them. I cry because pieces of me are missing and always will be.... because my life will never be the same.... because I'm far more tender and fragile than I used to be.... because losing Riley & Peyton has taught me how fragile life is....I cry because they live through me and I'm so sad that I couldn't give them more than that..... I cry because they are so precious to me and I want to tell them that every day through my words and actions.... this blog is my way to do that though.... I cry because this is the way I show them I love them, instead of holding them in my arms, instead of kisses and hugs.... I cry more for my babies than for anything I have ever cried over in my entire life.... I cry because I love them and sometimes it's so unbearably sad that crying is all I have. I cry because Riley and Peyton are my babies and I will always love and miss them.

Mommy and daddy love you so so much my sweet babies. Take care of each other and hold each other tight. I hope you are up in Heaven spending time with all your new friends. I'm sure you have met Micah, Valentina, Stevie, Bailey, Wyatt, Brody, Logan, Benjamin, Genesis, Sawyer, Jacob, Blaine, Julia, Evan, Wyatt, Olivia, Charlotte, Noah, Ailis, Harper, Madelyn, Bryston, Colton, Sami, Kenny, Drew, Juanito, Kael, Eli, Laken, Jaden, Leila, Lillian, Audry, Avery, Emmett, Everett, Mikayla, Jack, Juju, Reid, Liam,Claire, Jenna,  and so many many other sweet babies. I have new friends too - their mommies :) I have met so many other mommies too with sweet baby angels like you but I am too tired to name them all but I am sure you know each and every one of them! I hope you know how much I love you my angels. From now through all eternity you will be my babies and I will always love you...Goodnight.

Merry Christmas to all.....

I couldn't even logically explain why on Earth I am still awake at 1am on Christmas day but.... I've been sick and had things to catch up on.

I managed to be well enough to help out and fill in with some singing at the Christmas Eve service tonight (the service was GREAT - it ends in a church filled with lit candles singing Silent Night SO beautiful - I teared up a few times thinking about my Riley & Peyton but all in all it was beautiful), yesterday I baked 3 batches of cookies. Today I made pumpkin mousse, 2 pumpkin pies, and a breakfast bake to eat tomorrow. Given we have to be to my parents at 8am AGAIN I have no idea why I am insane and still up....

Well I have a little of an idea. I decided top frost some of the cookies I made then I remembered that I had to paint these CUTE cardboard cupcakes I bought my mom. I have had them for forever but OF COURSE did not remember this until 11pm or so! Now I must wrap these with earrings I made inside and then even thought we have not finished Home Alone I must sleep! We watched It's a Wonderful Life which is my favorite so I am satisfied. I sewed Riley & Peyton's names on two mini stockings also tonight :)

Here are the stockings, cupcakes and the various other things I made :)

I bought this at Michael's for Peyton :)

Same thing - for Riley

Cupcakes for my momma :)

Ornament for Riley & Peyton- based on poem sent to me by Melissa Terrill :)

GIFTS FROM OTHER BLM'S

My ornaments from the ornament exchange!

I received SO MANY Christmas cards from BLMs -- FAR more then I have ever received from family or 'real life' friends!! Thank you SO much to EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!

I wish you all a peaceful and happy Christmas day! God Bless you all!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!