Better to have loved and lost ?

"It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all"

Easier to believe if you haven't experienced such loss. That is for sure...

While I see the wisdom in that saying I also know that each and every one of us would take back our loss in a second. Would do almost ANYTHING to have our children back. Do I wish Riley and Peyton never existed at all? OF COURSE NOT! I know they are my children and I know they are safe and happy in Heaven and that gives me peace. But I wish for them to be with me... I always will.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my post from yesterday. I appreciate the outpouring of love more than you could ever know.

I know that I will always feel this pain, always feel this stab in my heart when people announce they are pregnant. I will always have tears come to my eyes when I receive a baby shower invite in the mail. No two ways around it. The pain of such heartbreak will never go away. Maybe it will dull in time but it will never fully be gone.

Someday when I am pregnant again I do not plan to hide it. I'm not going to scream it from the roof tops but I plan to announce it on my blog and tell all close friends and family. I have dealt with the heartbreak of telling people who knew I was pregnant that I lost Riley and then when no one knew about Peyton I told the people who didn't know. You know what? IT SUCKED. It was awful BOTH TIMES. It made no difference. I am not the sort to hide the truth and now that I know that either way is equally awful I plan to celebrate my future pregnancies for as long as I can. I will pray of course that there will be no more loss but I do not want to hide it when it comes the time.  I can not sit back and pretend that these pregnancies did not happen, nor can I sit back and be quiet about a new life growing in me when the time comes. Telling people will not save or doom a pregnancy but you know what it will do? It will have that child in more people's prayers. And THAT is all I can hope for.... a new life, with many prayers behind it.

Sadly even telling people, even announcing it will never be carefree as it is for so many. It will never be easy or full of pure joy. There will always be a coating of worry, of absolute terrified worry. I will have to trust at that time, have faith that God's will is for my baby to live. That is all that I can do. Have faith and take care of myself and my pregnancy....when that time comes I will do just that.

I am so thankful for every single one of my readers. Thank you for your love. I read a ton of blogs and I don't always comment but trust me you all mean so very much to me! I leave you with these two songs by a band that I love.... Jars of Clay. Take a few minutes to listen to them. They are beautiful.