Monday, March 21, 2011

Better to have loved and lost ?

"It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all"

Easier to believe if you haven't experienced such loss. That is for sure...

While I see the wisdom in that saying I also know that each and every one of us would take back our loss in a second. Would do almost ANYTHING to have our children back. Do I wish Riley and Peyton never existed at all? OF COURSE NOT! I know they are my children and I know they are safe and happy in Heaven and that gives me peace. But I wish for them to be with me... I always will.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my post from yesterday. I appreciate the outpouring of love more than you could ever know.

I know that I will always feel this pain, always feel this stab in my heart when people announce they are pregnant. I will always have tears come to my eyes when I receive a baby shower invite in the mail. No two ways around it. The pain of such heartbreak will never go away. Maybe it will dull in time but it will never fully be gone.

Someday when I am pregnant again I do not plan to hide it. I'm not going to scream it from the roof tops but I plan to announce it on my blog and tell all close friends and family. I have dealt with the heartbreak of telling people who knew I was pregnant that I lost Riley and then when no one knew about Peyton I told the people who didn't know. You know what? IT SUCKED. It was awful BOTH TIMES. It made no difference. I am not the sort to hide the truth and now that I know that either way is equally awful I plan to celebrate my future pregnancies for as long as I can. I will pray of course that there will be no more loss but I do not want to hide it when it comes the time.  I can not sit back and pretend that these pregnancies did not happen, nor can I sit back and be quiet about a new life growing in me when the time comes. Telling people will not save or doom a pregnancy but you know what it will do? It will have that child in more people's prayers. And THAT is all I can hope for.... a new life, with many prayers behind it.

Sadly even telling people, even announcing it will never be carefree as it is for so many. It will never be easy or full of pure joy. There will always be a coating of worry, of absolute terrified worry. I will have to trust at that time, have faith that God's will is for my baby to live. That is all that I can do. Have faith and take care of myself and my pregnancy....when that time comes I will do just that.

I am so thankful for every single one of my readers. Thank you for your love. I read a ton of blogs and I don't always comment but trust me you all mean so very much to me! I leave you with these two songs by a band that I love.... Jars of Clay. Take a few minutes to listen to them. They are beautiful.


  1. I totally agree with you regarding that quote. It's much hard for those of us that have been there, than those who haven't.

    I think it's great that you will be open to share about an upcoming pregnancy! It is definitely painful either way if something were to happen, but in the meantime, it's totally worth getting all of the support that you can!

    Much love to you!

  2. If I ever get pg again then I think I'd be really worried about telling people - not because telling people would jinx it, but because I think I'd feel still feel a bit weird about pregnancy chat. Even if it was about me - isn't that funny?

  3. You always write such great posts! What you say is so true.Im sorry for the pain your going through, Praying for good things to come your way. The songs are beutiful!

  4. Getting those two pink lines is such a joy, why not share it with others? -That was my thought... even after the gut wrenching ectopic (5th loss) a few months before... just hours of getting the two pink lines we were telling the world.

    It was a testimony to our faith that God does fulfill promises... he does give you your hearts desires. The worries and the doubts... the fear never goes away, it is there every day till that baby is in your arms, but the joy God has given you always trumps the fear...

    Announcing a pregnancy loss is a different story... we shared only three losses with family, and kept the other two to ourselves. I am not sure why... it was just easier at the time. Looking back I wish I would have had the support of my family and friends. My family eventually found out (thanks to my SIL stalking me on babycenter and emailing it to my mother).

    Jars of Clay is one of my favorite bands... their lyrics seem to always bring comfort to me!

  5. Thank you Jess!!! Thank you for always sharing your feelings so freely. You always touch my heart with your posts, but this time you saved my sanity as well. Please read my latest blog to understand what I am talking about. You are such a great friend. I know that it is hard to read pregnancy updates and that is why I am so grateful that you read mine and always remain so supportive and pray for my baby. It means more to me than you will ever know. I haven't been on here much for the last month, but you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I love you Jess and am praying that you get the blessing of your rainbow baby very soon. You are a true blessing in my life. God bless you.

  6. (((HUGS))) I just found your blog after you posted it on TeamCAC. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and your losses :(



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