Sunday, March 20, 2011

The life of a grieving mother

It has been a hectic week. I was glad for that though because it made it easier to survive Peyton's due date (3/16/11), easier to be busy and unable to dwell on all the sadness of the day. That was a blessing.

This weekend had been good - still is I suppose - just had an off moment today. My husband's birthday was yesterday and on Friday and Saturday we celebrated and went out and got him free meals (Denny's, Moe's, Red Robin's) and went to the movies (Limitless & Adjustment Bureau - both were good but Limitless was fantastic!) and had a good time out with friends last night. I was exceptionally saddened though to hear of my sweet BLM friend's loss. She has now lost her second little one. Little Bee will be forever missed and it now with Valentina in Heaven. I am so devastated for her and she is in my prayers.

This morning I woke up far too tired but got up and ready for church. We arrived, found seats, and I was looking through the bulletin and saw that there was a sheet to fill out for memorial flowers. They do this every year for the Easter service and you can buy flowers in memory of someone that passed. I remember last year wishing that I had done that for Riley but we had stayed out of church for a month or so as I did not feel physically or emotionally ready to deal with those that did not know about Riley's passing. So we did not return in time to buy the flowers. So today I immediately decided I was doing this - and that was it - I filled out the sheet and the check and my sweet babies names will be in that bulletin. Everyone will read their names. They will know my sweet babies are loved.

I handled filling all that out gracefully - no tears - happy in having a way to remember my children. THEN the bomb was dropped. Our pastor announced that someone was pregnant. (Please realize I honestly AM so very happy for her I really am, it's just all so hard.) A friend of ours. A friend that I didn't even know was trying. Didn't even know they wanted children yet. A friend I am thrilled for but at the same time their joy immediately made me cry. I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. We go to a big church and I am bombarded by pregnant woman constantly. Many my age. Many who already have other children. Some who have many children and are younger than I am. I want children so bad and I have lost both of mine. People don't get it. If you have never lost a child YOU. DON'T. GET. IT.

There is no word to express the cruel nature of such loss. NO WORD TO ACCURATELY EXPRESS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE YOUR CHILDREN! There is physically no humanly possible way for me to EVER express to someone how gut wrenchingly awful it is. How it threatens to tear apart every fiber of your soul. How it is to see what you want most ripped from you TWICE within SIX MONTHS.... the awfulness is just impossible to explain.

This is my life. The life of a grieving mother. I don't believe it will ever be EASY to watch carefree pregnant women. That will never be easy for me. That will never be me. I am not part of that world. I never will be. That naive part of me is gone forever. Impossible to imagine me as that naive girl again. What would her world have been like? I will never know. That girl was not meant to be. There is no parallel universe where I am living somewhere happily bouncing my baby on my knee. I don't believe that. If I did it would be torture. Who would want to believe that? Nor do I believe that I am being punished and this is hell. I did nothing to deserve this. I don't think there is anything that anyone could do to deserve this... I believe there is a reason, and I may never know what that reason is. God had a plan. I will have a baby when I am meant to. I just wish there weren't so many baby bombs being dropped all over and blowing up in my face.

I survived. Came back in the room 10-15 mins. later. Sat down. Cried a little while listening to the rest of the sermon. Afterward I even found my friend and congratulated her. It was heartfelt. I really am happy. Just wish I had some happiness of my own in the same respect.

I just hope and pray that when that time DOES come that everyone I am close to handles it well. Happily. I will be upset if anyone has the gall to look scared that we can't financially support a child, etc. I. AM. NOT. WAITING. UNTIL. I. HAVE. MONEY. Money may "make the world go round" but it sure doesn't make a child's life better. Money doesn't buy happiness. I am not waiting because who knows what could happen. I want children. Hopefully more than one. And I will start trying when I can. If people plan to judge me they better get ready to see themselves OUT of my life. Judgements are not welcome here. Maybe I will wear that as a sign. Or get a shirt that says it.

Secretly I wish I could lock myself in a room until I am pregnant again. Sadly I doubt being pregnant will make any of these feelings go away. I think hearing baby news will always be hard, seeing pregnant bliss-filled woman will always be hard, getting invited to baby showers will always be hard. A pregnancy won't change that nor will a living baby on this Earth but sad feelings be damned. I want babies. I don't expect them to solve my lives problems. I just want to love them. And I will. I will love them here and in Heaven. For I will always have at least 2 children.

Their names are etched on my heart.

But there is room for more.....

Momma will always love you Riley & Peyton...


  1. Oh Jess...that is so hard to be happy for a friend who is expecting, but how can you not think of what we don't have? Sometimes, I think that maybe if I had another child, I would feel somehow more at peace, but this desperate trying to have a family against what seem like unsurmountable odds is so difficult.

    To hell with what people think, they are not living your life. Money certainly helps, but its not the ONLY requirement to have kids...and from what I've read, you've got plenty of other great things to offer a child.

    Sending you huge hugs!!

  2. Speaking as someone who has battled infertility, I can say that those feelings never go away. I am sure the same goes with loss. You will always feel it acutely. Even when you do go on to have other children, you will always be sad about the ones you lost. My sister lost a baby, and it has been hard to see how it affected her. That was several years ago, and she still mourns the loss of the baby.

    The pregnancy announcements will always make you flinch too. Even when you're pregnant. It is so ingrained in us to flinch, and it never goes away.

    Just take it all one day at a time. The pregnancy announcement will be you before you know it.

  3. Lots and lots of hugs. Even after having my rainbow, I STILL get a little jealous when I find out people in my life are pregnant. I don't wish what I've been through on anyone, but it always seems like a big reminder to me of how much more difficult starting a family has been for me, and it just seems so unfair sometimes.

  4. Thank you always for your honesty and I know this can only be healing for you to reveal your true feelings. Your TIME will come. I think of the Ecclesiastes scripture: Everything is beautiful in its time..... I pray this for you. We wait together for HIS Time and HIS blessing. Much love to you!

  5. it is SO, SO hard for me to see pregnant women or to learn of other people's pregnancies. i feel like such a horrible person for being unable to be completely happy about people's wonderful news. even my blm sisters, for whom i really am happy, but there's always a little stab that goes along w/ that news.

    and i am SO indescribably bitter about non-blms' pregnancies. i have a co-worker who's pregnant - already has a child, younger than me, had no trouble getting pregnant. and the wife of a co-worker - this was an ACCIDENT, they already have 2 kids. i can't wrap my head around that. you mean it's actually possible to get pregnant by ACCIDENT???? i can't even get pregnant on purpose. and even with help i couldn't bring my son into the world alive.

    how are you feeling? are you completely recovered from your surgery?


Copyright ©2011 Small Bird Studios| All Rights Reserved |Free Blog Templates at Small Bird Studios