Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Heaven is for Real

I finished reading the book "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. It is fabulous. I highly recommend it!

In the book Colton tells his parents that he was in Heaven (while getting a surgery performed) and they knew he was telling the truth through the many things that he could not have known.

The first part of the book that really really hit me was when he told he his dad that there were "lots of kids" there! Immediately cried... thinking of my sweet babies in Heaven. He also says later in the book that he met his sister and that she told him that she "died in her tummy" and that she didn't have a name because you never gave her one. She is waiting for her name.

I was bawling for those pages. I was so happy that I gave my babies names. So happy that even though I don't know if their gender they have names that work for a boy or a girl and they are in Heaven with names :)
This book was just extremely touching. My sister-in-law sent it to me and it was so incredibly sweet of her! I loved it.

 This girl is discussed in the book: Akiane Kramarik - she also says she has been to Heaven and at the age of 4 began speaking of it and is an artistic prodigy. In the book the dad shows his son the picture Akiane painted of Jesus at the age of 8 and the for the first time (after showing him various artistic representations of Jesus) Colton says Akiane's painting is what Jesus looks like. Here is the painting and below it is a video about Akiane.

On that note baby shower invites are flying at me from everywhere it seems. I can't do it - I just can't. Honestly I don't know if I will be able to do another baby shower until my own. I just don't know. It's so hard. It's not that I am angry at these woman. I really am not at all. It's jut hard for me to see people celebrating something that I have failed at twice. I KNOW it was not MY fault but it still feels like failure. There was no positive result sooo I failed. It sucks. And especially since both these woman are due so close to when I would have been. Peyton's due date was tomorrow :*(  As of tomorrow I have passed both child's due dates and Riley's angelversary. I will pass Peyton's angelversary without a baby in my arms. I pray that by then I am pregnant.

It makes me sad that I feel like I will receive negative looks or opinions when I get pregnant again. People will think we are not financially prepared, etc. Well you know what I have lost both my children! I am NOT going to sit around and wait to be financially prepared to try again! We do not control what happens in our bodies - it is God's will (in my opinion). If I am meant to have a child I will! I REFUSE to wait till we have a house, or great jobs, or ____ amount in savings! By then I could be too old to have children! I'm NOT going to do it! If I have a baby then God will provide a way for us to provide for our baby.

I have been helping my cousin pack up her house this week. Mainly watching and playing with her two children who are the sweetest kids in the world. I love them SO much! I still remember when I drove to her house all alone after finding out I had lost Peyton. I cried for a minute and then had to stop myself because I didn't want her oldest to ask me why I was crying. I just hugged and kissed them both and silently prayed for God to help me keep it together. Silently prayed that I would one day have my own beautiful children. I still pray that prayer daily. Pregnancies and babies seem to be everywhere. People who have many children are pregnant. It's hard for that to not hurt a little. I'm not asking for a football team of children but a couple would be lovely. I just hope that is meant to be. Due dates are hard. But living every day without my babies is always hard... these dates are just harder.

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I will try to fix you"

Fix you - Coldplay

"i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on"

I Grieve - Peter Gabriel


Momma misses you every day Riley & Peyton!


  1. I've heard quite a bit about that book, I think I'll check the library if they have it.

    I also haven't gone to any showers. I would just send a gift with a note, but don't feel compelled to go when you know you won't feel comfortable while there...and don't worry about what other people think - who cares? We did that, waited. I waited till I met the right guy, till we had money and stability, and now at 36 we may not be able to have kids. I'm with you - if it's meant to be, accept that gift and who cares what others think!

  2. I will be praying for you on your due date. I'm sorry there is not excitement surrounding that day. It's sad how a day filled with so many hopes and dream can change in an instant to a day of sadness. I have said it a lot, but I will say again that I think you are so strong. You fight so your children will not be forgotten and that is a true mother.

    Much love to you:)

  3. Your writing is so honest... and it sounds weird to say, but... refreshing. The things you say I wish the rest of the world could just understand. Getting invite to showers or baby announcements hurts. It is selfish to say, but you just can't help but be hurt. I don't think it matters how many children you end up having, getting that invite will always make you think of the shower you never got to have. That is how it is for me anyways.

    I honestly feel that no person is 100% ready for a child... really! There is always something that just won't be perfect ya know... and I so agree with you about God providing. He always does!

    I am going to pick up that book... it looks awesome! My husband and I never talked about naming our angels... we lost all 5 of them before seven weeks and it just never occurred to us that these angels need a name. I am going to have to talk to my husband about it.

    I appreciate your blog and the time you take to express these taboo feelings. You are in my prayers.

  4. Came across your weblog when searching for Kramarik's painting of Jesus. I also sobbed my way through Todd Burpo's Heaven is For Real... Heaven is a place that's getting more crowded with people I love. May God richly bless your family as you prepare for sweet Baby A's placement in your arms, and may you receive His peace as you think of Baby B cradled safely in Jesus' arms, with Riley and Peyton playing pat-a-cake with some nearby angels.


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