Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I cry

I was reading something just now and it made me tear up. This happens. Not as often as it used to really but boy does it happen. I was just sitting here thinking about that. Thinking about how I have always been an emotional person, always one to cry at weddings, funerals, sappy movies. It doesn't take much. I usually know from reading about a movie if it will make me cry, I could cry at a wedding or funeral even if I don't know the person all that well and I know that I will cry in front of our whole church when my little sister gets married in April.

This is me.... this is who I am. But losing my children just brought this part of me even closer to the surface. My skin is not as thick as it once was, I'm far more transparent. I don't say this as an insult to myself or a fault really - it's just the truth, it's just the way it is. This is my life now. Take me or leave me. I'm not going to change for someone, I'm not going to stop talking about my children, I am who I am. You would never expect parents of a living child not to talk about their children. Nor would you expect someone who lost a small child, teenager, or adult child to stop talking about their child. Well my children live in my heart and to me they were as much my children as they would have been had they lived on this Earth for 40 years! I was a part of them and they will always be a part of me.

The hardest part for me about losing Riley and Peyton is thinking that they never got to hear me say I loved them. They never got to see me. They never got to feel my touch. They never got to call me mom.... But I hope that up in Heaven they are filled with God's love and that they know that their mommy and daddy love them so much!

Ever since I was a child I remember movies or explanation from people in books, TV, or real life where people say that they never knew such love until they had a child. Well I have never known such love and my children never got to be born on this Earth. They were born into Heaven and while I am glad they are pain free and full of joy waiting to meet me one day, I still wish they were here. I still wish I could hold them in my arms, smell their sweet smell, and rock them to sleep. I wish I could see their first step, first word, first smile. And it makes me sad beyond any sadness I have ever felt that I have forever missed out on that. That time will never come.

One day (and it will seem like no time has passed for my sweet babies) I will meet them in Heaven and at that time all this pain will be gone and the fact that I missed out on those moments with them will be forgotten. There will just be happiness, joy, and love. I long for that time with them but I also hope that I will raise their siblings one day soon on this Earth. All I can do is pray that day will come.

For now I cry... not only because they died but because I am here without them. I cry because pieces of me are missing and always will be.... because my life will never be the same.... because I'm far more tender and fragile than I used to be.... because losing Riley & Peyton has taught me how fragile life is....I cry because they live through me and I'm so sad that I couldn't give them more than that..... I cry because they are so precious to me and I want to tell them that every day through my words and actions.... this blog is my way to do that though.... I cry because this is the way I show them I love them, instead of holding them in my arms, instead of kisses and hugs.... I cry more for my babies than for anything I have ever cried over in my entire life.... I cry because I love them and sometimes it's so unbearably sad that crying is all I have. I cry because Riley and Peyton are my babies and I will always love and miss them.

Mommy and daddy love you so so much my sweet babies. Take care of each other and hold each other tight. I hope you are up in Heaven spending time with all your new friends. I'm sure you have met Micah, Valentina, Stevie, Bailey, Wyatt, Brody, Logan, Benjamin, Genesis, Sawyer, Jacob, Blaine, Julia, Evan, Wyatt, Olivia, Charlotte, Noah, Ailis, Harper, Madelyn, Bryston, Colton, Sami, Kenny, Drew, Juanito, Kael, Eli, Laken, Jaden, Leila, Lillian, Audry, Avery, Emmett, Everett, Mikayla, Jack, Juju, Reid, Liam,Claire, Jenna,  and so many many other sweet babies. I have new friends too - their mommies :) I have met so many other mommies too with sweet baby angels like you but I am too tired to name them all but I am sure you know each and every one of them! I hope you know how much I love you my angels. From now through all eternity you will be my babies and I will always love you...Goodnight.


  1. Big squishy *hugs* my friend, I tend to cry a lot more now as well at everything it seems like. =*(

  2. The pain really is a life long thing, isn't it? Today, I was thinking about the prospect of eternity. I was trying to focus on the fact that the next time I see Claire I will NEVER have to let her go. Although, a part of me hopes that (even in Heaven) I'll still get the chance to watch her run off and play with her friends and watch her grow up. If not, I hope they have some heavenly version of a camcorder so I can watch it all when I get there :) It helps remembering that I lost her once, but will never have to do it again. P.S. It's very sweet seeing all of the babies names together, it's like our version of a little class roster!

  3. I wish I could say something to ease your pain...but it isn't about me...so all I can do is pray for you and offer my ear and heart. I am SO sorry you have had to experience this. It's a pain that no one should have to endure. I mother without her children on Earth is a terrible thing.

    I pray you find a renewed strength that begins new each day. I am SO hopeful that you will hold a baby and pour into their lives all about their siblings in Heaven and all the love for those children and the children to come. You have so much to give as a mother and I pray God blesses you abundantly in that part of your life.

  4. This is a beautiful post Jessica....absolutely beautiful. I love the letter to your babies. I have no doubt in my mind that they know how much you love and miss them. But, I also know that as much as we know it in our hearts, we will always long to be able to hold them, love them, kiss them, and tell them.

    I, like you, have always been the emotional type. I cry at movies, I cry at weddings, I cry at songs that aren't even sad...and at times, it's even worse now since Bailey's death. And at other times, you would think I was stone-cold because I refuse to cry. But, it's who we are...and your right...take me or leave me.

    I wanted to let you know that I too had a septated uterus and had the surgery to correct it, so if you have any questions, just let me know! I had the surgery back in Sept. 2008 and had a really quick and easy recovery!

    Now that I have wrote a novel, I will close with sending you hugs and love! You are a strong and beautiful mommy!

    P.S. - Thanks for the blog award! I'm going to wait until after my recipe gathering to post to pass it on!

  5. What a beautiful post <3 <3 I cry too...over everything that was lost the day Drew passed away. It seems very few outside of the baby loss community understand how everything changes when you lose a child. We are different people than we were before. But no matter what, you are a beautiful person and a loving mother. Riley and Peyton know how much you love them. Your letter to them was so sweet. They do have many angel friends in Heaven! I am sending you big big hugs and lots of loving support!

  6. After I talked to you last night I finished writing a blog post for the first time since June. I just started reading this now. It is very similar to my post. It is good (and horrible)to know that I am not the only one out there that feels like this about my angel baby :)


Copyright ©2011 Small Bird Studios| All Rights Reserved |Free Blog Templates at Small Bird Studios