the ebb and flow of grief

I find that grief is a strange nightmare. I have never experienced anything so indeterminably chaotic. There is an ebb and flow to my emotions. Like tides in an ocean but FAR less logical.

My baby Riley's angelversary is 2/11/11. Riley's first birthday in Heaven and I will be recovering from my surgery that I will have the morning before. I am at peace with that though I know that having a balloon in my uterus that will make me feel pregnant will be a nightmare in general let alone on that day. Another pregnancy is far off for me and honestly that is the hardest part. It is depressing to know that there is no way that I will have a child in 2011. All I can hope is that when we TTC again (hopefully in June) that I will get pregnant at some point in 2011.  People can say I am young but 29 (30 by the time we can try again) is not young when it comes to baby making. I always wanted to have all my kids by the time I was 35. Maybe that won't be an option but I hope that after the surgery my baby problems will have ceased. God willing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is crazy to think that had I now lost Riley I would have a four month old. If I had lost Riley but had not lost Peyton I would be over 33 weeks along now. So much loss. Too much pain. I have always felt horrible for those parents whose children die before them. I have always thought that I want my children to bury me, I surely don't want to outlive them. I never would have thought that they would die before they even had a chance to breathe on this Earth. But, you know, I doubt anyone ever thinks they will experience something like that. We all think that we are immune until it happens to us. As BLMs now we have lost that naive sense of safety, of immunity, of worry free pregnancies. It's sad but at the same time I don't miss that naive part of me. I would rather be prepared for the anguish then have it blow up in my face like both my losses did. Even after losing Riley once I passed the 7 week date I thought we were golden with Peyton, we saw a heartbeat and everything. But then the heartbeat was gone and I was alone in that room when I found out. I will NEVER go to a doctor alone again. NEVER.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now looking to this coming surgery it makes me SO angry that my body caused these miscarriages. My stupid abnormal uterus made my babies die. They never had a chance. They most likely implanted on the tissue that separates my uterus. Given the tissue has no blood flow it can not support implantation. So if they were implanted anywhere near there - which they must have been - they didn't have a shot. Septums give a woman a 90% chance of miscarriage. Maybe with mine being so big they had an even smaller % chance. It sucks that I have had this condition LITERALLY since I was 22 weeks in the womb and yet I had to go through all this loss before finding out. But I have to look at this situation and think that God is taking care of my babies. They are pain free and full of joy in heaven and for this I am glad. If I could choose to I would take them back in an instant but at least I know I will see them again one day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have planned out my first meeting with my Face2Face friendship group that I am leading through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. We are meeting on Feb. 3rd at 9 am. So far there are only 3 of us but I think starting small will be good :) I really wanted to meet with them BEFORE my surgery the following week in case I am recovering for awhile so I am thrilled that we worked out a time. I look forward to meeting some BLMs in real life! I wish I could meet every one of you! Wouldn't it be great if there was some time portal (think Start Trek LOL) where we could just BOOM be at each other's houses to talk! Yes I like Sci-Fi LOL not a HUGE Star Trek fan but it fit my current thought LOL.... either way I wish we could all meet someday but I am glad we have DBL to talk!

<3 Also I just wanted to add a thanks to my now 71 followers! It makes my heart filled with joy that so many care to read about me and my angels! I have had this blog for about 5 months and it helps me so much as do all of your lovely comments! <3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure." ~Author Unknown

Riley & Peyton momma loves you very much!