"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Hi everyone! I have been busy busy busy in my Etsy shop for the last month! And my efforts have worked! I have gotten almost 40 sales in one month :)
I am featured on this blog and if I get the most votes I will get my own full feature! Which means more exposure :) You can also submit your own item if you have an Etsy shop - to be considered for another time when she does this!
PLEASE HELP ME! Someone else has a lot of friends who are voting for them and I need some votes too!!!
THANKS SO MUCH!
Also check out and follow my craft blog if you get a chance :) http://craftycreations81.blogspot.com/
You can find coupons for my store there!!
Also I just started making and selling these new infant loss awareness
Yesterday I finally had the long awaited post-op appointment! It was a long five days to get to that appointment believe me!
The doctor came in and asked me how everything went with a balloon catheter and I said not great it was the bane of my existence the past 5 days. He thought that was funny and said he was sorry that it gave me such issues. I told him if anything it should make it really easy to take out - and it was... THEN came the dreaded removal of the stitches. My incisions had been the main cause of my pain since surgery so I knew the removal of them was going to incredibly suck!
He removed the stitches from the right incision first and said the stitches were "buried" so it hurt like hell to get those taken out - to say the least. Then came the belly button stitch removal - this had been my most painful incision (still is) - so I was dreading this to say the least! It took him at least 5 minutes of poking around my belly button with scissors to get the dumb stitch out. He said the resident did the stitches to tight either that or there was just more swelling than usual which was making it hard to take out. Either way it sucked. Luckily the removal of the stitches from the left incision was easy - or I just didn't notice because my belly button hurt so bad LOL.
Either way it is done and in 2 months or so hopefully there will be a beautiful normal looking uterus on the screen of my next HSG! It seems like such a long long wait but I am excited for that day :)
I would write more but just as I was going to write this post I started to feel crappy again. I still feel very weak and can't do much without feeling sick so I am taking it easy. I figure after another week (hopefully) I will be good as new - minus some new scars ;)
It is all well worth it of course!
Much love to you all and thank you for your sweet comments, thoughts, and prayers.
(p.s. - the rude BLM from the last post was no one from this lovely blogging community. It was a BLM I knew in real life - who thank goodness moved away.)
Sweet Riley - a year ago we had blood results confirm that you had left us and were in Heaven. The doctor had made it quite clear that we should not be hopeful so we had begun to grieve you Valentine's Day weekend but it was still hard to hear. We will always love you and never forget you! Many many people thought of you on 2/11 even though mommy and daddy couldn't leave the house to do anything we were thinking of you every second. We love you and Peyton more than I could ever explain to you or to anyone. You mean the world to us.
First of all I would like to say that I miss my babies dearly and I always will. No matter I lost how many ignorant people decide to impart their judgement and arrogant nonsense opinions on me I will ALWAYS remember them!
A year ago today I found out I had lost my sweet baby Riley. My life changed forever that day and I lost the naive carefree girl I once was. Such a loss adds years to your life and heaviness to your heart. Really no one can fully understand that unless they have also lost a child. I realized first hand today that even some BLMs are ignorant too.
I (as many BLMs do) started an "event" on Facebook that just asked people to remember Riley for one minute today or to light a candle if they could. I can't leave the house given I am recovering from my surgery so I thought it would be nice to have others remember Riley since I can't leave the house and do a balloon release like I would have liked to.
So I see that a "friend" and BLM that I worked with at one point and just had a baby chose to "not attend" befor getting mad about it I wrote her and said:
"Just wanted to say congratulations on your baby!
I saw you choose to NOT attend my event for my baby? All I want people to do is light a candle or even think about my child for a second on 2/11 so I don't really understand the not attending? May I ask why you did that?"
THIS was her response (that I got to read while in physical pain from surgery & overly emotional given lack of sleep and the fact that I lost Riley a year ago today):
"I don't want to be rude or anything. I know what is like to have two miscarriages, but in my opinion you need to get past it. I know you want to remember them, but don't understand why you constantly remind yourself of what happened. I guess I just cope differently. I felt better just forgetting what happened even before I was able to successfully conceive. I grieved for a few days and it was over. I felt better mentally and emotionally just putting it behind me. There is nothing I could do to change it so why keep thinking about it. It would only make me more sad.
I am also not very religious, so the nature of your event makes me uncomfortable.
I hope I didn't offend you, but I gave you my honest opinion. Please understand where I am coming from and its nothing against you.
I hope you are recovering well from your surgery, I just saw your post about that."
SOOOOO DELETE DELETE DELETE
after responding with this:
"I figured you should understand because you had lost a child but I guess as you explained I was wrong. The was an exceptionally rude and nasty thing to say to me especially after I went through this surgery and a year after I lost my baby. Yes, you did offend me. A lot. This event has nothing to do with religion other than the fact that I believe my children are in Heaven. So I suppose it would be easy to forget my children if I thought they did not exist. If you believe they don't exist then I'm sure it was easier to get over. That is not the case for me and it makes me sad if that is the case for you.
I will recover just fine. Thank you. Good luck with your future."
Trust me when I say that is NOT what I wanted to say at first. But honestly why stoop to the level of being nasty? It wasn't worth it. Never is. I find it hilarious the vibe I got from the message where it seems like she thinks it makes her a better mom to have gotten over her losses. Absolutely insane. I don't "remind myself" of my babies because they were never forgotten. If they can't live on Earth they can at least live through my words and thoughts. And there is NOTHING bad or unhealthy about that!
Nonetheless I just had to get that out but I am in a lot of pain now so I must be off. Recovery is anything but fun especially on such a hard day. My heart is heavy.
I miss you Riley, and I always will...
This is me singing "Unredeemed" by Selah at church. One of my friends did the backup vocals :)
Hope you like it. Those visiting from ICLW feel free to check out one of my posts from the last couple days. Today I will be posting this and maybe some ornaments I painted so not much reading ;)
WHAT THE HEART HAS ONCE KNOWN IT SHALL NEVER FORGET.
That really just says it all ya know? Those who have never experienced the loss of a child may not "get" that but it's true. No matter how early the loss or the reason for the loss or anything - the children I LOVED with all of my heart are not here with me on this green Earth! They are not here. I do not get the complete joy of holding them in my arms, watching them take their first steps, feeling their weight against my chest. This grief is mine to carry. BLMs get it they know what it's like. We all deal with our grief in our ways. Many have blogs like me, we are all wonderful people that something tragic happened too.
I may not greatly enjoy seeing baby pictures on facebook or pregnant women in public but that doesn't mean I would ever wish this pain on any person in the world. I would never want someone to go through this ache. No one deserves it. But I am part of this land of the lost now. I will never feel complete because.... I'm not. It's as simple as that. My two children are in Heaven. Pieces of my heart went with them. I will not be whole until the day we are all in Heaven together.
If you are not part of this sad club then you can't fully understand the emotions BLMs go through. It's impossible for you to begin to understand. I know because before I lost Riley and Peyton I had a friend who lost her baby. I had no clue how to handle the situation. I said my "I'm sorry" offered a hug and what not and then join the crowd and basically don't mention it again. I feel bad looking back because not mentioning the grief elephant in the room doesn't make it go away and it sure doesn't make it better. But as a society we are not told how to handle such things. We are not told how to handle dead babies. The term dead being in the same sentence with the word babies is honestly probably severely upsetting to people in general. I sure don't like it but it's the way it is. BLMs often refer to us being in DBL (Dead Baby Land). It sounds harsh to people who aren't in DBL but it is not meant to be that way. It's just a fact of our lives. It's not meant to be offensive.
I am always bothered when I tell a friend that I have a blog and met many wonderful BLMs through it, etc. More often than not I am then told by the friend "Maybe you shouldn't think about your miscarriages so much" and "This is probably just making it worse" and "You should just try to not think about it, you'll have a baby I just know it".... These miscarriages were my CHILDREN so I can't not think about that! I fell in love with Riley & Peyton the moment I knew I was pregnant so please do not patronize me and tell me to try not to think about them. If I had lost a child that had been living for years no one would say "try not to think about it" and knowing that I can try to have more children does not lessen the loss. Please realize that if you have not experienced a loss you have no idea what it's like. Don't IGNORE that someone you know has lost a child. Don't patronize them with "time will heal" and "try not to think about it" and "be happy they are in Heaven" because NONE of these words make anything better. Offer an ear, a hug, a shoulder to cry on but don't try to make us feel better. We will get used to grief's unwanted presence in our lives in our own time.
Writing about my loss and talking about it with others does not mean I am allowing grief to rule my life. Quite the contrary I am letting my emotions out and living through this pain as transparently as one can in this day and age. I am living through this and I am carrying on. I may write on this blog for the rest of my life. And you know what - good for me! I have said before that Riley & Peyton never walked this Earth. They never lived here with me so they will live through my words, actions, and love. They will live through me because they are a part of me, as I am a part of them.
I saw the quote I started this page out with on a youtube video for a woman named Leslie Evans. She had a complication with a pregnancy. She was having twins but the babies did not make it and sadly due to complications she also died. I read a blog her family started awhile ago. They also started a facebook page for her. She as 28 and recently married. I can't imagine what her family has gone through, what her husband has gone through. He lost his wife and his children all in a very short time. My heart breaks for them. The blog they started for her is HERE. This is a video I watched before posting this.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." - Revelation 21:4
Riley & Peyton mommy loves you so much. I'm sure that Leslie is up there with her beautiful twins and you are all blissfully happy every day. This makes me smile. I want nothing but smiles and love for you my babies. I will always always always wish you were with me but one day I will be complete and we will be a family in Heaven. Hug each other tight for me until I get there.
Halloween..... I don't really do much for Halloween I'm not one of those die hard adults totally in love with the holiday. I never really was a huge fan. I mean sure I dressed up some when I was a kid and even a bit when I was in college for parties but was never something I was fully engaged and massively excited about or anything.
Pumpkin I carved of Wario (with the face I used a stencil)
This year all I wanted to do around Halloween was go do Haunted Houses. I won tickets a couple years ago and we went to them and they were so fun. I have to admit I like to be scared - love me a good horror movie (mind you not gory gross horror movie but creepy one like Halloween or Paranormal Activity). So we went on Saturday and it was a lot of fun. It amuses me how fear has no prejudice - small people tall people heavy people or skinny there were plenty of people there that were scared. It was quite amusing. They made me jump a few times - awesome sets and awesome costumes. It was a good time. Then we went and had some dinner. And even with eating out (Outback has a lovely feature on their site that tells you the nutritional info for all their meals so I knew how many points I was eating!!) I lost 2 lbs. this week :) I have now lost 6.8 lbs. in three weeks I am pretty darn proud of myself :)
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I found out on Friday that my doctor was NOT going to be able to do my HSG (dye test on my uterus) this month because all appointments were taken. This made me very mad at first until I spoke to my doctor today and he told me all the medicine he is putting me on I wouldn't be able to take until my next cycle anyways. SO tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get the prescriptions for the medicines so that when my next cycle comes in a month I can start the medicine and get the HSG done and then I'll be good to go. So given I realized that this month was going to be a no go for TTC anyways I figure I'm not losing out on any chances like I first thought I was. Thank goodness for small blessings. That calmed me down.
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Halloween has me thinking how life is full of costumes.... masks that we all wear. There are those that never wish to show their feelings. Constantly wearing their creepy Joker masks with their over exaggerated smiles that never seem quite right. Others that have masks that change as the day goes on or as situations arise. Maybe happy, maybe sad, angry, or whatever may arise. I would rather someone have a changing mask - rather have a bit of honesty in the world of emotion. I'm sick of feeling like having emotion and crying or being angry means that I am weird. I have a right to be sad - I'm not in ANY way letting grief run my life! However, give a girl a break! If I have moments that are hard for me - or if any BLMs have moments that are hard - please do not patronize us with comments like "time heals all wounds" or "everything will be okay" because you know what to all you "JOKERS" out there - time will NOT heal this - this is a pain that will never go away. We will get used to grief's presence in our lives but it will not magically heal. And nothing is OKAY about losing your children. NOTHING IS OK ABOUT THAT.... sure I survived - but that does NOT make it okay. I find it sort of cryptic and odd that people think that these comments will cure any sadness. If anything they may turn sadness to anger but that is neither here nor there....sure doesn't help....
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Sometimes when I am alone in the living room typing or turning the lights off to go to bed I feel as though I am not alone. Not in like a creepy sort of way. In a way that this small amount of peace is present in the room. I like to think that peace is my babies saying it's okay momma don't worry about us...have sweet dreams - we love you. It may just be the holy spirit. God's way of chilling me out sometimes before I go to sleep. giving me some peace. But I it makes me smile to think it's my babies...and I am okay with believing that. Speaking of my sweet Riley and Peyton - I have added their angel plaques to the wall with our wedding photos on it (in our living room) - our family wall.....
In conclusion I am satisfied to wear my many masks. To keep my honest emotions. I am satisfied to live my life through my grief journey bearing my pain as it comes. I have no need to wear a joker mask. Sure I may sometimes answer "good" when someone asks me how I am but I refuse to walk through life with a forced smile. That is not and has not ever been who I am. I hid my emotions through some very hard times in my past and it did nothing but make things worse. I also am trying VERY hard to not "feel bad" when I tell someone what happens and they are shocked. When they seem hurt or mad at themselves for asking, etc. I am learning that this is not my fault - someone asks I explain - I do it in a kind way I don't blurt out "I have two dead babies" or anything that horrible. But I explain my miscarriages. My babies deserve to have their story told. They are as real to me as anything else in my life. Their lives on Earth consist only of my words as their souls left this Earth far too soon. I recently ordered a butterfly baby necklace from MidnightOrange on Etsy (she also made the sculpture in my left hand column) I saw pictures today and I am looking forward to getting it. I told my husband today that it is sad to have to buy a beautiful necklace because you have two dead babies. there's nothing good about that...but nontheless I am glad that I will have the necklace. I just saw the other "feeling blue" one on her site thought I would post that picture too....
My butterfly baby necklace <3 Riley & Peyton <3
Her necklace titled "Feeling blue"
Goodnight Riley & Peyton. Thank you for helping me meet these other women who share this experience of grief with me. Thank you for giving me perspective and for making me realize how fragile life is and how much we should cherish those that we have with us on Earth. I love you both so much. Be good to each other. Take care of each other. I miss you more than my words could ever express...there are not enough tears for the pain that losing you both has brought me...but I am glad you are happy in Heaven. Glad that you have each other. Happy that I know one day I will be with you. Nothing will compare to that day. We will be a complete family. I think of you every day....thank you for your small moments of peace in the quietness... Mommy and daddy love you so much!
Day 10 - A photo taken more than 10 years ago and how it makes you feel
The first photo was taken a little over 11 years ago. June 1999 when I graduated from high school. As you can see I love frogs LOL! This makes me feel jealous honestly. Jealous of my naive worry - by this I mean that my biggest worry was having a fun summer and starting college. HA! If only my worries were so simple now. Even back in January before I ever knew I was pregnant with Riley my biggest worry was getting an art teaching job. My my how times have changed.... OH and I am jealous of how freaking skinny I looked back then. Even then I never thought I was "pretty" always thought I was overweight. That hasn't changed but I would love to weigh 80 lbs. less like I did back then. : /
This second photo I am guessing was taken 21 - 23 years ago. I would guess I am 4 or 5 but I have no idea really. I hope to have a child on Earth one day that is a big ham like I was ;)
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The Walk to Remember was today - below is a "smilebox" scrapbook that I made with pictures from the walk.
Make your own free digital scrapbook
This poem was written and read by a 9 YEAR OLD at the program!
This poem was read at the program - it was so touching!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Melissa at Raindrops mentioned that this blog was doing 30 questions in 30 days. SO I am going to try to do it too. Probably in the midst of whatever else I post that day. I should have started this awhile ago so I am doing day 1, 2, & 3....
Day 1: A song that reminds me of my child or one I can no longer listen to...
This is a pretty easy answer. I would say two songs both by Selah. "I will carry you" and "Unredeemed"
Here is Unredeemed sung by Selah - they sang this at the concert after telling Audry's story. It gives me hope that I will have future children. I will not be unredeemed (I hope and pray anyways!)!!
Day 2: A movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that pops out to you after your loss.
This one is more difficult. I'm not really sure - the only thing I can think of is The Backup Plan. I watched this not long after I found out about my second miscarriage. I was really proud of myself for making it through the movie and not losing it.
Day 3: This one is easy too. Little House on the Prairie. Silly I know but since my second miscarriage I have watches over 3 full seasons. I love it. They are so positive through all their sorrow and every single episode has a wonderful moment or twenty and their faith in God through hardships is amazing!! I simply LOVE the show!!!!
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The last few days have flown by. Friday I got my tattoo (check it out in my post from yesterday - OUCH - and I did NOT sleep well last night because of it LOL but I LOVE it!) and yesterday I spent most of the day getting my store ready - which has been quite an undertaking. Today I have worked on it a bunch too.
Tonight I have to fill out invites to a party me and my mom are having. I am selling my jewelry and she is a consultant for Longaberger baskets. It should be fun. I have to make more jewelry before the 14th so that should keep me busy. I am beyond exhausted so tonight I don't have many words - I am drained.
I hope you are all doing well thank you for all your lovely comments on my last few blogs I am so so blessed to have you all as my friends on this difficult journey.
Also I know I let you all know I was getting my tattoo on friday. Here is the obviously UNhealed tattoo the night it was completed. (I will post a picture with the names and all when it is completely healed :))
Man did it hurt but it was so worth it :) I hope you can all stop by my store and check it out :) I'd make the button but WOW I'm tired LOL! I love you all! Thanks for being amazing women with wonderful hearts! It means more then I could ever explain to you or anyone!!!! :) :) :) :)
"Hope is faith holding out it's hand in the dark" - George lles
So I'm going to do it! I have created a blog to sell my items to help others remember their heavenly children. I am excited at the prospect. I will also add these items to my Etsy store and my website (which I am also revamping and it is under construction) too. I could just add them to my website and Etsy but I feel that the addition of a blog will be good additional exposure to the many baby loss momma's like me who blog their ever living brains out ;) LOL!
The blog design may change tomorrow if I find one I like better but for now it's there and items will be added in the next day or two. When I set my mind on something I get it done ;)
I created this colored pencil drawing tonight and edited the text on it to make my button (coming soon) here's the photo! I'm quite proud of it!
"Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it has all finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and ask yourself...How did I get through all that?"
Thank you all for your support and encouragement on this new venture through my healing.
XOXO
~ Jess
Momma loves you sweet babies. This is all for you Riley and Peyton... all for you. You have changed me. Inspired me to help others by talking about you and making art so that others may remember their children as I am able to remember you through my art. You have effected me more during your time with me then some people will ever effect me at all. You have changed me forever my loves. I am forever grateful to you for showing me that love and peace is possible through sorrow. I love you more than I can ever explain. I will meet you one day in heaven and we will sing and dance with joy. For now I will make art. Every piece I make I will think of you both. You are my children... did you know that you impacted the world when your feet never even touched the ground? You impacted my world and I will impact the world through this loss as much as I can. I love you so much my sweet Riley and Peyton. SO MUCH!Goodnight....
So ever since I lost Peyton and started this blog I was in dire need of memorials. In need of things to have around me always... to remember Riley and Peyton. I wanted them to be with me even though they are so far away. It was much more difficult to find memorials for my babies then I had imagined. Looking back on that it was rather naive of me to think there would be many such things out there in a society full of people that prefer to ignore the grief of those traversing "dead baby land" (as many BLM's call it - sorry to my husband if he is reading this - he is not a fan of that terminology).
So I have been slowly coming up with my own memorials that I can create to sell to other baby loss mommas. I am thinking of starting a blog dedicated to these items. Hoping that it may help others find ways to remember their children with my help. I will put the items on my website and my etsy store too but I thought it relevant to start a blog related specifically to BLM items. I'm thinking of calling it "Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art" or something along those lines. Any suggestions would be appreciated about the name - comment away ;) !!!
So here are my items I want to sell so far:
Customized bracelets...
Angel plaques - with name and date baby grew wings...
Finished examples I made for my angels...
Accordian books - shown closed. (4.5 x 4.5 inches when folded!)
Accordian book (I made for Peyton) it opens up and lays flat...
Two sides to decorate...
and then it can fold up just like the picture at the top....
Accordian book (I made for Riley) will be premade and/or made to order - mommas will then be able to decorate the books themselves....
two sides to decorate....
and then it folds up...
Frames with quotes of any kind...
Canvas paintings...
More frames...
Plaques like the ones below except with "grew wings" above the dates...
I am also going to think of other ideas as time goes on I am sure. SOO what does everyone think? Is this a good idea? Would anyone actually find any of these items to be a good idea? A few said from the last post they liked the bracelet.... I would appreciate a comment from anyone who reads this! It would be really helpful to me! THANK YOU LADIES!
Making these items, doing Heaven's Doves (I had a new entry today but I will mention it again when she gives me her blog title so you can all send her some love), and reading blogs and writing my own really gets me through the day to day of my grief journey. Thank you to ALL you lovely ladies. You are a true blessing....
BRING ON THE COMMENTS! I need them!
On a side note: My friend had her baby as scheduled (on Riley's due date)... it's bittersweet. I am THRILLED that she had her third child safely and all is well. Glad that some good could come of such an awful date. But at the same time - of course - it's gut wrenching...because it's not Riley that was born. Her boy is beautiful in the photos they posted today...perfect. I see those pictures and wish that was me. Wish that was Riley. Happy that someone can have a baby but I wish it was me. I am so so so happy for her and of course would never wish such grief on anyone. But it was a reminder of all I lost with both my children. Moments I will never experience. Firsts I will never have. Weight I will never hold against my chest. A reminder of such huge losses. Losses that can never be regained. Children I will never see on this green earth. The sadness is unbearable sometimes. Tiring. I told Nate yesterday that I wish I was exhausted and sleep deprived and I smelled like baby spit up right now. I wish that Riley was crying and keeping me up. I wish that the apartment was a mess and I was drained.... because I wish I had Riley. All those things may be happening IF I had Riley. And it would all be worth it. I hope to be a spit up smelling, sleep deprived momma one day soon. While I am sure when that day comes I will complain about being tired, etc.... I KNOW that I will be thrilled to have a baby. To have a child to rock and sing to... to have a baby here on earth. If my friend is reading this please realize I am so so happy for you and I can't wait to meet your little one but we spoke of this before when you told me of the scheduled c-section so I know that you understand. Thank you for that...
Mommy and Daddy love you Riley and Peyton! I hope that through my art I can help others remember there little ones the way it has helped me remember you both. I think of you every day and I always will. I wish you were with us now, that things were different but that's not that case. You are forever loved and missed! I love you both so very much!
Today would have been Riley's due date. (Well technically yesterday since it is 40 minutes into the 28th of September as I start this post...but to me it is still the 27th as I have not gone to bed yet)
I talked to my husband a few weeks ago and told him I wanted to go done to the lake and do a balloon release on this night. So we did that. The weather was mimicking my feelings today...heaven was crying with me.
My view out my kitchen window - much like the view out of tear filled eyes.... interesting.
This was picture was in the afternoon so as you can see it was quite a gloomy day. I kept myself busy making BLM penpal gifts which when finished after a few hours prompted me to look like a civil human being to go to the post office and grab a few things while I was out... including balloons for the release. I mailed everything out and grabbed two things at the grocery store. I then realized I was practically driving on fumes because my gas gauge is a huge stinking LIAR! So I said please please please make it all the way to the gas station down the road. I made it. I take small blessings whenever possible - I was happy for this one. I grabbed a candle that smelled nice and said "Surround me with comfort" on it to light for my babies, to light for Riley tonight. Then I went and got balloons.
This was a whole other experience. I live in a small town and have worked at a variety of businesses in the area (video stores, restaurants, stores, substitute at the school, etc.) so many people know me - the joy of a small town - not so joyful sometimes!! So the lady who was blowing up the balloons "knew" me - you know an acquaintance - she asked me what the balloons were for. I said that I was having a balloon release for my baby Riley who's due date would have been today. She asked what happened... I said well back in Feb. I lost Riley at 6 weeks. This is what she said verbatim "Oh so then you JUST had a miscarriage" - she is SO lucky that I was not in an angry mood - so lucky it is a small town - so lucky I did not scream what I was thinking! This statement was quickly followed with "Oh yea I had 3 or 4 or something like that before I had a baby - you'll be fine" - well thanks balloon lady are you my freaking therapist right now! REALLY... I mean seriously REALLY? What the crap is wrong with people!?!
So i got out of there after quickly paying and muttering to myself on the way to the car and while trying to get the balloons to stay IN the car so I could leave. I was thrilled to walk out of there. To be away from such ignorance - though I knoew at the same time I am literally surrounded by it in our idiotic society....
Luckily I had these BLM penpal cards from Elaine (& Blaine) at Waves over stones and Jennifer at Searching for Safe Harbor. Thank you SO much ladies - it means the WORLD to me and brought a big smile to my face that you were thinking of me today. Thanks also to everyone who left lovely comments and were thinking of me and Riley - you are wonderful women and are such a great support to me!
I came home watched a bit of Little House on the Prairie and put dinner in at 5:45 - Nate got home at 6:30 or so - it looked like it would be light enough if we ate dinner quick. So we did and to my dismay it got dark REAL quick. We did the balloon release at about 7pm with the light of about 9pm. Stupid weather. But the pics managed to come out decent. I swear we were not crazies outside at 9 pm this was abnormal darkness for our sad day.
The three balloons Nate released
The three balloons I released
Nate prayed for Riley and Peyton (he said he knew it was Riley's day but he couldn't leave Peyton out of the prayer I said I felt the same way of course). It was so surreal to be hugging each other and crying through his prayer hearing the waves crashing against the shore and the rain hitting the balloons. Throughout it I felt blessed to have a husband with a heart full of love for our children. Blessed to have him in my life, to not be in this alone. I love him so very much. He is a wonderful daddy!
Nate's balloons after he released them
Our balloons gone quickly and out of sight on a dreary day
We stood and watched the balloons as they VERY quickly (it was windy) were whisked away into the dark sky. Gone from sight so fast much like our babies were taken from us too fast... of course there is never a time that is a good time to lose a child. It is always tragic no matter when the loss occurs.
When we got home Nate lit the candle for Riley
Life carries on whether we feel like we can live through pain or not. The seconds and minutes and hours pass whether we feel like we can breathe or not. As one of my wonderful BLM blogs I follow stated... I am shocked that the world doesn't stop when tragedy strikes. But it happens every second to somebody, somewhere. So if the world stopped it would never never start again if that were the case.
I made the bracelet below right before writing this entry. I'm thinking if I can find more beads that I may sell them for a small price on here. Not sure if anyone would be interested though. I love mine though. Love to see their names so close to me.....
The bracelet I made for myself
Riley <3 Peyton Always loved
The hymn it It is Well with my Soul was written by Horatio Spafford after the death of his 4 daughters who drowned in a shipwreck. He wrote these words while passing the area he knew his children had drowned...
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.....
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul......
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe" (Psalm 61:1-3).
Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. We can't wait to meet you and we hope and pray every day that we will have brothers and/or sisters to raise here on Earth that you will meet one day too! We are glad you have each other, at peace that we know you are happy in heaven. Everyday we will always wish you were with us but we know God's will is not our own and He knows best. Sending our love up to you.... Goodnight my babies.
...was supposed to be today - September 27, 2010... but it was not meant to be. Which I know saying that is rather obvious but that's just the fact of the matter. I used to think that facts were useful. Helpful in learning something, gaining knowledge, but this FACT is not useful. My baby being dead is not useful. Yes yes I know that my baby is in heaven - I KNOW - it brings me a brief smile through my tears when they come. But the fact that i know they are in heaven does NOT make the pain go away. Does not change this nightmare, this horror, this ache...
"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain." (from my day #4 griefshare email - click here if you are interested in it)
When I write I often listen to songs from my blog playlist. Mad World was playing a minute ago which is an odd song but I have loved it ever since seeing the movie Donnie Darko - strange but fabulous movie! Here are the lyrics.... (yes they are sad I am well aware of this)
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world
Mad world
First off let me start by saying please do not worry I am not a depressive crazy person. I liked this song many years ago and I personally would not find a dream in which I'm dying the best I ever had. So stop worrying....
OK I underlined some of the parts I like or find interesting. I think it the last part is the most interesting. This is the remake lyrics - the original version by tears for fears did not say enlarging your world. I like that part. I truly believe that grief contributes to enlarging ones "world". For instance I never would have met all you wonderful people reading this had it not been for my grief. I never would have started this. I most likely would be rocking a baby right now. But instead I get my enlarged world. I get my life lessons. I learn from my loss...lucky me...lucky us....lucky 2,000 women a day... (for those who didn't get that the use of "lucky" was VERY sarcastic) I can think of ways I would have rather enlarged my world - like traveling. But this is my lot in life my niche in my corner of the world. At least for now. I hope not forever. I hope and pray daily that this is not some recycling process that will never end. I know I am meant to be a mother of living children. I just want my rainbow baby alive on this earth... in my arms.
Riley has been in heaven for 7 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days. Oh how I miss you my sweet Riley.
I held my cousin's baby today. He was born almost 3 months ago. I was tickling his beautiful feet and loving the feel of a child in my arms. It was all I could do not to cry. But all babies do is make me smile especially when they are in my arms. I'm sure Riley is in heaven playing with other children, with Peyton. I wish Riley was here to play with my cousin's baby. To be with us. To cry and wake me up at all hours, to make me literally exhausted - I would welcome all of that with open arms to have Riley back.
Yes I know my miscarriages were early on but if you have not been through it don't judge my grief - don't think I should be over it - and you sure as crap better not ever tell me that! No one has a right to judge such a loss. When I knew I was pregnant I loved Riley RIGHT away. That little pink line invited love into my heart. Talking of names and plans of our coming family invited hope into my heart. Hope for becoming a mother. That hope was smashed and while it was a month later - trust me - that was PLENTY of time to fall deeply and madly in love with my child. My Riley...my baby...my first child.
Momma loves you Riley and I wish you were in my arms right now. I wish I was singing to you. I wish you were here with us. But I know you have Peyton to keep you company. I love you both more than I could ever fully explain to anyone. You will always both have a piece of my heart.
If you missed it when I posted it before this youtube video is me singing a song for my babies....
(if you watched it already thanks :) don't feel I think you need to keep watching it I just thought it was fitting to post it for Riley today)
The past couple days I have not written much. Small posts. I have been reading many blogs though and keeping up with all you lovely ladies and your lives. Making art for my babies and today I spent a lot of time with family. I went with my mom and my sister to a craft show in a nice historic town not far from us. We had a nice time. While there I took lots of pictures which has been a very positive change since my last miscarriage when our camera was often forgotten everywhere we went.
At one of the booths halfway through the show a woman told me my necklace was beautiful and asked me where I got it. I told her it was handstamped and it was for my babies in heaven. That I had a couple miscarriages in the past 7 months. She asked if we were still trying and I said yes as l could try we would try. She said she had also suffered two miscarriages. I did not have the courage to ask her if she had any children. I was too afraid that she would say they never had children. Too afraid to even put that thought into my head. To even consider that a possibility. But I was proud that I talked about Riley and Peyton in public to a perfect stranger without breaking down and sobbing. Without falling to the ground in broken pieces. This is a big step and I am glad it was on a good day a day where I had the strength to live through it. It didn't ruin my day which is a big step too.
Here is a picture :)
Me my mom and my sister at the craft show
Later after the craft show my family went to my cousin's wedding reception - they are SUCH a cute couple - I am so happy for them! Then we went to my family's house for what was supposed to be game night but my dad did not feel good and neither did Nate so that did not happen. We ate and me and my mom talked about the party we are going to have. She sells Longaberger and I make and sell jewelry and I will probably do henna tattoos for those of my friends that would like one.
So all in all today was a good day. I fear that it has been awhile since tears have come in large amounts and with what would have been Riley's due date looming over me and coming in two days I fear they will come. We will see. Until then I hope to have sweet dreams. I wish sweet dreams to you all....
"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away. ' From the song Praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns
Mommy loves you Riley and Peyton. Whether others stop asking about you or forget you. We never will. I will tell your story at every chance I am given. You are my babies and you deserve that. Mommy and daddy love you so very much.
This is the recording of me singing from this past Sunday at church. The slides that go with it are what were played on the large screens at church while I was singing. This was before we named our sweet babies so Baby Malloy is Riley Malloy and Baby Bean is Peyton Malloy. I wish we had the names so that those could have been on the screen too. But that's ok :)
Hope you all enjoy it. My voice catches a few times and it was hard to sing so it is not my BEST performance but God helped me get through it without crying which is all I prayed for :)
Go to the bottom of my blog in the right hand column and pause my playlist or it will play at the same time as the video...
To begin with there have been two new additions to Heaven's Doves. I came upon both of these women's blogs today and they are both amazing ladies. I am sure they would love it if you dropped on by their little piece of our BLM grieving community.
Mary blogs at: Micah's Gift she is basically the reason for the title of the blog. (Don't worry I will explain) Thank you so much Mary and Micah! Stop by her blog and have your babies name written on a blade of growing grass. I look forward to getting mine :)
Jamie blogs at: Forget Me Not, Oh Lord. She has a wonderful heart and I look forward to reading more about her through her journey. It's so sad that so many wonderful people need to meet this way but if we can help each other I know there is something to be gained from this journey of sadness.
If you get a chance and you have not done so yet - please request a dove - they are free of charge and it makes me happy to make them for others :)
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Without further ado.... Our babies now have names. When I read Mary's story she mentioned that it made her sad to think of her baby sitting up in heaven without a name. That got me thinking. Why didn't my babies have names? Of course the logical reason would be well we had no idea what the sex of either was. Neither did Mary - but she was right - I felt bad that my babies were sitting in heaven with no names. I felt bad that when I talk to them they were Baby Malloy or Baby Bean or baby #1 or #2. It was awkward and in my silent prayers or typed out blogs I should not feel awkward. Now I know that they have names. I hope that God let them know :) So the former "Baby Malloy or baby #1" will now and forever be named RILEY and the former "Baby Bean or baby #2" will now and forever be named PEYTON. I am happy they have names. It made me smile as soon as we decided. Now I have to order charms with their precious names on them.
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One of my relatives wrote me a message on facebook... hopefully she will not mind that I am posting what she said - but it was so great I could not help it.
As a back story she is married to one of my cousins (I have many LOL) and she is also currently pregnant. Before the church service on Sunday I managed to get the nerve to go up to her and hug her and congratulate her. Shocking that I could do that - but I did - without her even knowing it was difficult. Though she probably realized it was after hearing me sing on Sunday.
This is what she wrote me today:
Hi Jess,
Your song was beautiful yesterday...and I love your hair. I am sort of ashamed to admit this but having never been in your situation and not really knowing many people that (openly) have been, I have been one of those that don't really understand and would think can't you just try again? The kind of person that would probably really really tick you off...so though it may not have been what you were going for, watching you sing yesterday and seeing Nate and your emotions as you left the church when you were finished, I get it now. Your loss was very real.
Though I will never ever ever understand why this happens and am so angry that you are suffering right now - I am absolutely positive that you will be a beautiful mom to babies that we can hold in our arms someday.
The underlined parts were the most touching though her honesty was amazingly touching also... this was my reply to her:
Your honesty brought tears to my eyes. I thank you for that. Yes our loss is very very real. And though we will be trying for more children whether we have 1 or 4 I will always be the mother of those children and our other two. When we have our first baby on Earth I will tell people I have three children and I will explain. They deserve that :)
Thank you for the sweet compliments. I was happy with the song and thanking God all day that I made it through it without crying. I love my hair too LOL - thanks ;)
I pray that I will have babies in my arms on Earth every single day. I have prayed that for years but since Feb. and even more since Aug. I have prayed even harder. Thank you again!
LOVE YOU!
That was an AMAZING message to get - I hope she knows how much that meant!! And I hope that other people who have similar feelings as hers understand that it is a HUGE loss!
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Momma misses you Riley & Peyton! I hope that you love your names. I'm sorry you had to wait so long for them, especially you Riley... momma made you wait too long but I hope you love your names! I am glad that you two have each other and you are safe and happy in heaven. I wish you did not feel so far away, so out of reach, so permanently absent. Riley valentine's day and hearts will always make me think of you and Peyton fall will always remind me of you. Doves remind me of both of you for you are the reason I created Heaven's Doves. I pray daily that I will learn everything I am supposed to from my loss of you. That I will somehow become a better person, more caring and loving and that I can effect people and help them through their grief. I know there must be something that will come from all of this...I know that God had a reason for taking you to heaven. Taking you away. Someone wrote the other day in a blog that they wished there was a stairway to heaven. I do too. I wish I could visit you or see pictures of you even. It's all so surreal. Sad to be living through this pain that SO many others do not even acknowledge. That so many think is no big deal, that I should be "over it". Society is so cruel my loves. Riley, you are the oldest so help Peyton out. I would have expected that on Earth so I want you to do the same in heaven. Love each other and keep your hearts open and eyes out for mommy and daddy we will be there before you know it. RILEY AND PEYTON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
So I survived singing "I will carry you" by Selah at church today. On the one month angelversary of my second baby no less! I was fighting tears all the way through the beginning of the service and I just prayed my ever living butt off that I would make it through that song without crying. God pulled me through! My voice was shakier than usual and I almost cried a couple of times but since I stared down at the words the whole time and looked at no one that DID help!!
I saw when I walked down that Nate was crying and he already knew the I was immediately going to walk out because I KNEW that I would have to cry afterwards. So we went out together and my mom was there, then my dad came out, and my sister followed. We had a lot of hugs and a lot of tears. Some other people came out and told me they didn't know how I did it and I said that I prayed a LOT! Without God that song would never have made it out of these vocal chords! I did not cry as much as I thought so I assume those tears will come either tonight or tomorrow.
After church a bunch of people came up to me and told me I did a wonderful job, shared about their losses, or asked about the Walk to Remember we are participating in... it was nice that so many people cared. I appreciated all their responses, comments, well wishes, and prayers. I am happy that I have survived another day :)
Goodnight my sweet babies. I hope you enjoyed the song I sang for you. I would have sang for you every day if you were still with me so I hope that you can hear me and feel my love when I sing for you on days like today. It makes me smile through the tears to think that those notes flew up to heaven and hugged you today, hugged you like I cannot here on Earth. That my voice enveloped you with the warmth you would have had if I had held you in my arms.
My first child, oh how I miss you and I wish you were with me today. You may have been here by now if things had went how I expected. But God had other plans. My second sweet baby. You were my birthday miracle and it has been a month since I found out that you entered heaven. It seems like years. Sometimes I feel SO very far away from you my loves. This hole in my heart is so big and while I know the hole will seem smaller in the time to come I also know it will always be there. The same size hole because those pieces left when you left Earth. They left when I knew that you were in heaven, though safe, still not with mommy and daddy. You are in my thoughts all day, every day, and in each loving tear I shed for you please know that mommy will be okay. I know that you are safe but it will always be hard for me, to know that I will never have you with me on Earth. Hug each other tight tonight my loves. We will see you in heaven one day.
I am a mother of three angels Riley (2/11/10) Peyton (8/19/10) Cameron (10/14/11) who are waiting for me in Heaven. I am also a mother to Logan - born 4/29/12 - my rainbow baby (Cameron's twin) and Lucas (7/13/14) my second rainbow baby. I am a SAHM, sell Younique, and own a small business doing paint nights :)
