Monday, September 27, 2010

Today was Riley's day... balloon release.

Today would have been Riley's due date. (Well technically yesterday since it is 40 minutes into the 28th of September as I start this post...but to me it is still the 27th as I have not gone to bed yet)

I talked to my husband a few weeks ago and told him I wanted to go done to the lake and do a balloon release on this night. So we did that. The weather was mimicking my feelings today...heaven was crying with me.

My view out my kitchen window - much like the view out of tear filled eyes.... interesting.

This was picture was in the afternoon so as you can see it was quite a gloomy day. I kept myself busy making BLM penpal gifts which when finished after a few hours prompted me to look like a civil human being to go to the post office and grab a few things while I was out... including balloons for the release. I mailed everything out and grabbed two things at the grocery store. I then realized I was practically driving on fumes because my gas gauge is a huge stinking LIAR! So I said please please please make it all the way to the gas station down the road. I made it. I take small blessings whenever possible - I was happy for this one. I grabbed a candle that smelled nice and said "Surround me with comfort" on it to light for my babies, to light for Riley tonight. Then I went and got balloons.

This was a whole other experience. I live in a small town and have worked at a variety of businesses in the area (video stores, restaurants, stores, substitute at the school, etc.) so many people know me - the joy of a small town - not so joyful sometimes!! So the lady who was blowing up the balloons "knew" me - you know an acquaintance - she asked me what the balloons were for. I said that I was having a balloon release for my baby Riley who's due date would have been today. She asked what happened... I said well back in Feb. I lost Riley at 6 weeks. This is what she said verbatim "Oh so then you JUST had a miscarriage" - she is SO lucky that I was not in an angry mood - so lucky it is a small town - so lucky I did not scream what I was thinking! This statement was quickly followed with "Oh yea I had 3 or 4 or something like that before I had a baby - you'll be fine" - well thanks balloon lady are you my freaking therapist right now! REALLY... I mean seriously REALLY? What the crap is wrong with people!?!

So i got out of there after quickly paying and muttering to myself on the way to the car and while trying to get the balloons to stay IN the car so I could leave. I was thrilled to walk out of there. To be away from such ignorance - though I knoew at the same time I am literally surrounded by it in our idiotic society....

Luckily I had these BLM penpal cards from Elaine (& Blaine) at Waves over stones and Jennifer at Searching for Safe Harbor. Thank you SO much ladies - it means the WORLD to me and brought a big smile to my face that you were thinking of me today. Thanks also to everyone who left lovely comments and were thinking of me and Riley - you are wonderful women and are such a great support to me!

I came home watched a bit of Little House on the Prairie and put dinner in at 5:45 - Nate got home at 6:30 or so - it looked like it would be light enough if we ate dinner quick. So we did and to my dismay it got dark REAL quick. We did the balloon release at about 7pm with the light of about 9pm. Stupid weather. But the pics managed to come out decent. I swear we were not crazies outside at 9 pm this was abnormal darkness for our sad day.

The three balloons Nate released
The three balloons I released

Nate prayed for Riley and Peyton (he said he knew it was Riley's day but he couldn't leave Peyton out of the prayer I said I felt the same way of course). It was so surreal to be hugging each other and crying through his prayer hearing the waves crashing against the shore and the rain hitting the balloons. Throughout it I felt blessed to have a husband with a heart full of love for our children. Blessed to have him in my life, to not be in this alone. I love him so very much. He is a wonderful daddy!

Nate's balloons after he released them

Our balloons gone quickly and out of sight on a dreary day
 We stood and watched the balloons as they VERY quickly (it was windy) were whisked away into the dark sky. Gone from sight so fast much like our babies were taken from us too fast... of course there is never a time that is a good time to lose a child. It is always tragic no matter when the loss occurs.

When we got home Nate lit the candle for Riley

Life carries on whether we feel like we can live through pain or not. The seconds and minutes and hours pass whether we feel like we can breathe or not. As one of my wonderful BLM blogs I follow stated... I am shocked that the world doesn't stop when tragedy strikes. But it happens every second to somebody, somewhere. So if the world stopped it would never never start again if that were the case.

I made the bracelet below right before writing this entry. I'm thinking if I can find more beads that I may sell them for a small price on here. Not sure if anyone would be interested though. I love mine though. Love to see their names so close to me.....

The bracelet I made for myself

Riley <3 Peyton  Always loved

The hymn it It is Well with my Soul was written by Horatio Spafford after the death of his 4 daughters who drowned in a shipwreck. He wrote these words while passing the area he knew his children had drowned...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.....

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul......

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe" (Psalm 61:1-3).

Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. We can't wait to meet you and we hope and pray every day that we will have brothers and/or sisters to raise here on Earth that you will meet one day too! We are glad you have each other, at peace that we know you are happy in heaven. Everyday we will always wish you were with us but we know God's will is not our own and He knows best. Sending our love up to you.... Goodnight my babies.


  1. You and your husband had a beautiful memorial for Riley. I think it is very sweet that your husband also said a prayer for Peyton. The bracelet that you made is precious. I am thinking about you and your angels <3

  2. What a great post!! Your so sweet. I love the bracelets and if you make them id be interested!! Much love your way!!

  3. Thinking of you and your angels, Riley and Peyton. I'm sure they were smiling up in heaven when you and your husband released those lovely balloons in remembrance of Riley.

  4. What a sweet way to remember Riley. Just a perfect world we would both be cuddling newborn babies tonight. Instead we light candles. wishing you and your husband peace and love tonight.

  5. ugh... that hymn, it is well with my soul, makes me cry :-(

    Jessica, you do such beautiful things in memory of your babies! You are an inspiration!!

    I'll never understand insensitive people... here you are getting balloons to release in memory of your baby and she acts like miscarriage isn't a big deal!? And she's been there?! I'm guessing she's not a Christian and doesn't realize the life that God grows in us from the minute of conception?! Man... so sad...

    Anyway, sending ((hugz)) your way. Thanks for always commenting on my blog too.

  6. Check out my blog - I gave yours an award! :-)

  7. That is lovely of you to have a balloon release. I would have smacked that lady in the face geez. People are so insensitive. Its incredible. I just adore the bracelet. : ) <3

  8. I just wanted to you to know I was thinking about you and your angel, Riley, yesterday. My due date is coming up too and it is so hard. What seems like should be just another day is full of triggers and so many emotions. I love the balloon release and the beautiful bracelets. You are a good, loving mama. Thinking about you, Riley, and Peyton...hugs!


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