Sunday, September 26, 2010

Riley's due date...

...was supposed to be today - September 27, 2010... but it was not meant to be. Which I know saying that is rather obvious but that's just the fact of the matter. I used to think that facts were useful. Helpful in learning something, gaining knowledge, but this FACT is not useful. My baby being dead is not useful. Yes yes I know that my baby is in heaven - I KNOW - it brings me a brief smile through my tears when they come. But the fact that i know they are in heaven does NOT make the pain go away. Does not change this nightmare, this horror, this ache...

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

(from my day #4  griefshare email - click here if you are interested in it) 

When I write I often listen to songs from my blog playlist. Mad World was playing a minute ago which is an odd song but I have loved it ever since seeing the movie Donnie Darko - strange but fabulous movie! Here are the lyrics.... (yes they are sad I am well aware of this)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world
Mad world

First off let me start by saying please do not worry I am not a depressive crazy person. I liked this song many years ago and I personally would not find a dream in which I'm dying the best I ever had. So stop worrying....

OK I underlined some of the parts I like or find interesting. I think it the last part is the most interesting. This is the remake lyrics - the original version by tears for fears did not say enlarging your world. I like that part. I truly believe that grief contributes to enlarging ones "world". For instance I never would have met all you wonderful people reading this had it not been for my grief. I never would have started this. I most likely would be rocking a baby right now. But instead I get my enlarged world. I get my life lessons. I learn from my loss...lucky me...lucky us....lucky 2,000 women a day... (for those who didn't get that the use of "lucky" was VERY sarcastic) I can think of ways I would have rather enlarged my world - like traveling. But this is my lot in life my niche in my corner of the world. At least for now. I hope not forever. I hope and pray daily that this is not some recycling process that will never end. I know I am meant to be a mother of living children. I just want my rainbow baby alive on this earth... in my arms.

Riley has been in heaven for 7 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days. Oh how I miss you my sweet Riley. 

I held my cousin's baby today. He was born almost 3 months ago. I was tickling his beautiful feet and loving the feel of a child in my arms. It was all I could do not to cry. But all babies do is make me smile especially when they are in my arms.  I'm sure Riley is in heaven playing with other children, with Peyton. I wish Riley was here to play with my cousin's baby. To be with us. To cry and wake me up at all hours, to make me literally exhausted - I would welcome all of that with open arms to have Riley back.

Yes I know my miscarriages were early on but if you have not been through it don't judge my grief - don't think I should be over it - and you sure as crap better not ever tell me that! No one has a right to judge such a loss. When I knew I was pregnant I loved Riley RIGHT away. That little pink line invited love into my heart. Talking of names and plans of our coming family invited hope into my heart. Hope for becoming a mother. That hope was smashed and while it was a month later - trust me - that was PLENTY of time to fall deeply and madly in love with my child. My first child.

Momma loves you Riley and I wish you were in my arms right now. I wish I was singing to you. I wish you were here with us. But I know you have Peyton to keep you company. I love you both more than I could ever fully explain to anyone. You will always both have a piece of my heart.

If you missed it when I posted it before this youtube video is me singing a song for my babies....
(if you watched it already thanks :) don't feel I think you need to keep watching it I just thought it was fitting to post it for Riley today)


  1. I love both songs in this post. I haven't listened to Mad World in years, but I love it. I also love I Will Carry You. That song haunts me.

    Thinking of you and sweet Riley today. I wish it had worked out differently for you. I'll light a candle for Riley and Peyton tonight. They are together forever.

  2. I'm thinking of you today and sending you love.
    Don't ever minimize your grief. I used to think like that - How could I be sad when people lost full term babies or infants? But this is your life and your loss. You have every right to be sad for as long as you need to be.

  3. Dont ever let people tell you your grief isnt real just because of how early it was. Sending much love your way today on a very hard date!!

  4. Such beautiful songs. It doesn't matter how far along you were those were your babies and you have every right to grieve for as long as you need. I hope no one tells you different. I've also started getting the Grief Share emails and I love them. Thinking of you and Riley today <3

  5. Jess,
    I am thinking of you and praying for the Lord to carry you through this day. I do so wish that your Riley was in your arms right now too. I fully understand that your loss is so very real. As you know we lost Micah early on too. Your child is your child no matter how long they lived. Those are your babies and you are thier mama. Today is Riley's day and I am sure your sweet Riley and Peyton are watching over their mama. They might even leave you a few special reminders today. I just wish I could reach through this computer and give you a hug. I wish I could just spend the day with you and help you celebrate those two beautiful lives and just listen and let you talk or cry. Just be there for you! Please know that you and your babies have touched my heart and are in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. I am sending you big big hugs today! I think the song is perfect, and I love the way you interpreted the lyrics. It is so true. I have met so many amazing women through this journey as well. I would give anything to have Drew back, but I am comforted by the strength and love of other baby loss moms. My heart is with you and sweet Riley <3

  7. Remembering Riley with you. Like what others said here, your loss is so very real. We've lost a lifetime with our babies, no matter what age they came into our lives. It's an infinite loss, one that will stay in our hearts until we die and join them. Sending lots of hugs and love to you today. [P.S. You're very welcome. I'm glad the note and the gift I sent you arrived in the mail today. What good timing! :)]

  8. I so totally feel you when you say not to judge you because your miscarriage was early on and yet you grieve the loss of these, your children. I find that some just don't understand that whether I lost my child at 8 weeks - which was me - or 8 months, doesnt' matter. I had the same hopes and dreams for that child either way.

    Anyway, thanks for posting that!

  9. These days are so hard. Remembering your sweet Riley. Much love to you.

  10. Thinking about you today and always, Jess. Hoping for better days ahead for you.

  11. You NEVER have to explain yourself to me. <3 Love you.


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