New ideas... (comments needed please!)

So ever since I lost Peyton and started this blog I was in dire need of memorials. In need of things to have around me always... to remember Riley and Peyton. I wanted them to be with me even though they are so far away. It was much more difficult to find memorials for my babies then I had imagined. Looking back on that it was rather naive of me to think there would be many such things out there in a society full of people that prefer to ignore the grief of those traversing "dead baby land" (as many BLM's call it - sorry to my husband if he is reading this - he is not a fan of that terminology).

So I have been slowly coming up with my own memorials that I can create to sell to other baby loss mommas. I am thinking of starting a blog dedicated to these items. Hoping that it may help others find ways to remember their children with my help. I will put the items on my website and my etsy store too but I thought it relevant to start a blog related specifically to BLM items. I'm thinking of calling it "Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art" or something along those lines. Any suggestions would be appreciated about the name - comment away ;)  !!!

So here are my items I want to sell so far:

 Customized bracelets...

 Angel plaques - with name and date baby grew wings...

 Finished examples I made for my angels...

Accordian books - shown closed. (4.5 x 4.5 inches when folded!)

 Accordian book (I made for Peyton) it opens up and lays flat...

Two sides to decorate...

 and then it can fold up just like the picture at the top....

 Accordian book (I made for Riley) will be premade and/or made to order - mommas will then be able to decorate the books themselves....

two sides to decorate....

 and then it folds up...

Frames with quotes of any kind...

Canvas paintings...

More frames...

Plaques like the ones below except with "grew wings" above the dates...

I am also going to think of other ideas as time goes on I am sure. SOO what does everyone think? Is this a good idea? Would anyone actually find any of these items to be a good idea? A few said from the last post they liked the bracelet.... I would appreciate a comment from anyone who reads this! It would be really helpful to me! THANK YOU LADIES!

Making these items, doing Heaven's Doves (I had a new entry today but I will mention it again when she gives me her blog title so you can all send her some love), and reading blogs and writing my own really gets me through the day to day of my grief journey. Thank you to ALL you lovely ladies. You are a true blessing....

BRING ON THE COMMENTS! I need them!

On a side note:  My friend had her baby as scheduled (on Riley's due date)... it's bittersweet. I am THRILLED that she had her third child safely and all is well. Glad that some good could come of such an awful date. But at the same time - of course - it's gut wrenching...because it's not Riley that was born. Her boy is beautiful in the photos they posted today...perfect. I see those pictures and wish that was me. Wish that was Riley. Happy that someone can have a baby but I wish it was me. I am so so so happy for her and of course would never wish such grief on anyone. But it was a reminder of all I lost with both my children. Moments I will never experience. Firsts I will never have. Weight I will never hold against my chest. A reminder of such huge losses. Losses that can never be regained. Children I will never see on this green earth. The sadness is unbearable sometimes. Tiring. I told Nate yesterday that I wish I was exhausted and sleep deprived and I smelled like baby spit up right now. I wish that Riley was crying and keeping me up. I wish that the apartment was a mess and I was drained.... because I wish I had Riley. All those things may be happening IF I had Riley. And it would all be worth it. I hope to be a spit up smelling, sleep deprived momma one day soon. While I am sure when that day comes I will complain about being tired, etc.... I KNOW that I will be thrilled to have a baby. To have a child to rock and sing to... to have a baby here on earth. If my friend is reading this please realize I am so so happy for you and I can't wait to meet your little one but we spoke of this before when you told me of the scheduled c-section so I know that you understand. Thank you for that...

Mommy and Daddy love you Riley and Peyton! I hope that through my art I can help others remember there little ones the way it has helped me remember you both. I think of you every day and I always will. I wish you were with us now, that things were different but that's not that case. You are forever loved and missed! I love you both so very much!

Today was Riley's day... balloon release.

Today would have been Riley's due date. (Well technically yesterday since it is 40 minutes into the 28th of September as I start this post...but to me it is still the 27th as I have not gone to bed yet)

I talked to my husband a few weeks ago and told him I wanted to go done to the lake and do a balloon release on this night. So we did that. The weather was mimicking my feelings today...heaven was crying with me.

My view out my kitchen window - much like the view out of tear filled eyes.... interesting.

This was picture was in the afternoon so as you can see it was quite a gloomy day. I kept myself busy making BLM penpal gifts which when finished after a few hours prompted me to look like a civil human being to go to the post office and grab a few things while I was out... including balloons for the release. I mailed everything out and grabbed two things at the grocery store. I then realized I was practically driving on fumes because my gas gauge is a huge stinking LIAR! So I said please please please make it all the way to the gas station down the road. I made it. I take small blessings whenever possible - I was happy for this one. I grabbed a candle that smelled nice and said "Surround me with comfort" on it to light for my babies, to light for Riley tonight. Then I went and got balloons.

This was a whole other experience. I live in a small town and have worked at a variety of businesses in the area (video stores, restaurants, stores, substitute at the school, etc.) so many people know me - the joy of a small town - not so joyful sometimes!! So the lady who was blowing up the balloons "knew" me - you know an acquaintance - she asked me what the balloons were for. I said that I was having a balloon release for my baby Riley who's due date would have been today. She asked what happened... I said well back in Feb. I lost Riley at 6 weeks. This is what she said verbatim "Oh so then you JUST had a miscarriage" - she is SO lucky that I was not in an angry mood - so lucky it is a small town - so lucky I did not scream what I was thinking! This statement was quickly followed with "Oh yea I had 3 or 4 or something like that before I had a baby - you'll be fine" - well thanks balloon lady are you my freaking therapist right now! REALLY... I mean seriously REALLY? What the crap is wrong with people!?!

So i got out of there after quickly paying and muttering to myself on the way to the car and while trying to get the balloons to stay IN the car so I could leave. I was thrilled to walk out of there. To be away from such ignorance - though I knoew at the same time I am literally surrounded by it in our idiotic society....

Luckily I had these BLM penpal cards from Elaine (& Blaine) at Waves over stones and Jennifer at Searching for Safe Harbor. Thank you SO much ladies - it means the WORLD to me and brought a big smile to my face that you were thinking of me today. Thanks also to everyone who left lovely comments and were thinking of me and Riley - you are wonderful women and are such a great support to me!

I came home watched a bit of Little House on the Prairie and put dinner in at 5:45 - Nate got home at 6:30 or so - it looked like it would be light enough if we ate dinner quick. So we did and to my dismay it got dark REAL quick. We did the balloon release at about 7pm with the light of about 9pm. Stupid weather. But the pics managed to come out decent. I swear we were not crazies outside at 9 pm this was abnormal darkness for our sad day.

The three balloons Nate released

The three balloons I released

Nate prayed for Riley and Peyton (he said he knew it was Riley's day but he couldn't leave Peyton out of the prayer I said I felt the same way of course). It was so surreal to be hugging each other and crying through his prayer hearing the waves crashing against the shore and the rain hitting the balloons. Throughout it I felt blessed to have a husband with a heart full of love for our children. Blessed to have him in my life, to not be in this alone. I love him so very much. He is a wonderful daddy!

Nate's balloons after he released them

Our balloons gone quickly and out of sight on a dreary day

 We stood and watched the balloons as they VERY quickly (it was windy) were whisked away into the dark sky. Gone from sight so fast much like our babies were taken from us too fast... of course there is never a time that is a good time to lose a child. It is always tragic no matter when the loss occurs.

When we got home Nate lit the candle for Riley

Life carries on whether we feel like we can live through pain or not. The seconds and minutes and hours pass whether we feel like we can breathe or not. As one of my wonderful BLM blogs I follow stated... I am shocked that the world doesn't stop when tragedy strikes. But it happens every second to somebody, somewhere. So if the world stopped it would never never start again if that were the case.

I made the bracelet below right before writing this entry. I'm thinking if I can find more beads that I may sell them for a small price on here. Not sure if anyone would be interested though. I love mine though. Love to see their names so close to me.....

The bracelet I made for myself

Riley <3 Peyton  Always loved

The hymn it It is Well with my Soul was written by Horatio Spafford after the death of his 4 daughters who drowned in a shipwreck. He wrote these words while passing the area he knew his children had drowned...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.....

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul......

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.




"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe" (Psalm 61:1-3).



Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. We can't wait to meet you and we hope and pray every day that we will have brothers and/or sisters to raise here on Earth that you will meet one day too! We are glad you have each other, at peace that we know you are happy in heaven. Everyday we will always wish you were with us but we know God's will is not our own and He knows best. Sending our love up to you.... Goodnight my babies.

Riley's due date...

...was supposed to be today - September 27, 2010... but it was not meant to be. Which I know saying that is rather obvious but that's just the fact of the matter. I used to think that facts were useful. Helpful in learning something, gaining knowledge, but this FACT is not useful. My baby being dead is not useful. Yes yes I know that my baby is in heaven - I KNOW - it brings me a brief smile through my tears when they come. But the fact that i know they are in heaven does NOT make the pain go away. Does not change this nightmare, this horror, this ache...

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."
(from my day #4  griefshare email - click here if you are interested in it) 




When I write I often listen to songs from my blog playlist. Mad World was playing a minute ago which is an odd song but I have loved it ever since seeing the movie Donnie Darko - strange but fabulous movie! Here are the lyrics.... (yes they are sad I am well aware of this)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world
Mad world

First off let me start by saying please do not worry I am not a depressive crazy person. I liked this song many years ago and I personally would not find a dream in which I'm dying the best I ever had. So stop worrying....

OK I underlined some of the parts I like or find interesting. I think it the last part is the most interesting. This is the remake lyrics - the original version by tears for fears did not say enlarging your world. I like that part. I truly believe that grief contributes to enlarging ones "world". For instance I never would have met all you wonderful people reading this had it not been for my grief. I never would have started this. I most likely would be rocking a baby right now. But instead I get my enlarged world. I get my life lessons. I learn from my loss...lucky me...lucky us....lucky 2,000 women a day... (for those who didn't get that the use of "lucky" was VERY sarcastic) I can think of ways I would have rather enlarged my world - like traveling. But this is my lot in life my niche in my corner of the world. At least for now. I hope not forever. I hope and pray daily that this is not some recycling process that will never end. I know I am meant to be a mother of living children. I just want my rainbow baby alive on this earth... in my arms.

Riley has been in heaven for 7 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days. Oh how I miss you my sweet Riley. 

I held my cousin's baby today. He was born almost 3 months ago. I was tickling his beautiful feet and loving the feel of a child in my arms. It was all I could do not to cry. But all babies do is make me smile especially when they are in my arms.  I'm sure Riley is in heaven playing with other children, with Peyton. I wish Riley was here to play with my cousin's baby. To be with us. To cry and wake me up at all hours, to make me literally exhausted - I would welcome all of that with open arms to have Riley back.

Yes I know my miscarriages were early on but if you have not been through it don't judge my grief - don't think I should be over it - and you sure as crap better not ever tell me that! No one has a right to judge such a loss. When I knew I was pregnant I loved Riley RIGHT away. That little pink line invited love into my heart. Talking of names and plans of our coming family invited hope into my heart. Hope for becoming a mother. That hope was smashed and while it was a month later - trust me - that was PLENTY of time to fall deeply and madly in love with my child. My Riley...my baby...my first child.

Momma loves you Riley and I wish you were in my arms right now. I wish I was singing to you. I wish you were here with us. But I know you have Peyton to keep you company. I love you both more than I could ever fully explain to anyone. You will always both have a piece of my heart.

If you missed it when I posted it before this youtube video is me singing a song for my babies....
(if you watched it already thanks :) don't feel I think you need to keep watching it I just thought it was fitting to post it for Riley today)

I havn't had the words...

Words are not usually and issue for me, if anything I say too much rather than too little. It doesn't bother me, I embrace my wordiness - it's my artistic nature.... The past couple days though I have had so much to say in my head and no words or ability to type them on this blog. Why? Couldn't tell you....

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I have really been working to make Heaven's Doves look much better and user friendly. I have had three additions to the gallery today which you can view here. I have enjoyed making these for these couples - people that fully understand the pain that Nate and I are suffering. I don't have many orders so those interested feel free to fill out the form and submit :) it goes right to my email (I got that for free from a website - pretty neat)! Either way I hope these pretty representations will make the couples smile and give them something to imagine in times of sorrow. Our babies in heaven feeling no pain....

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I have been watching Little House on the Prairie from the beginning and sooner or later I will watch all the episodes. In the first season - I believe episode 18 - Mrs. Ingalls is pregnant. I KNEW this was not going to go well because I remember most episodes and there was never a Charles Ingalls Jr. grown up.... the smart side of me may have skipped the episode then but I had to watch it - who knows why.... She has the baby but he is not gaining weight and they go to a doctor in another town and he says the baby will not make it... then he calls Charles in and when he comes out Caroline looks at him and says "He's gone to sleep hasn't he."
WOW was that a heard sentence to hear.... I watched the Love Comes Softly series of movies when I still was pregnant and in one of the movies the baby dies and I remember thinking "This will NOT happen to me - not again" I know I had early miscarriages and it's different but they are an extremely painful loss nonetheless.

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Here are some quotes from a couple Little House episodes:

"Heaven's tears - when folks in heaven get sad about things that have happened down hear they cry" (explanation of rain)

"So when the sun's out heaven's happy?"

"When heaven cries & the tears come down it makes things grow and come alive again.....it's alright to cry for your fellow man, only good can come of it."

"Always in a hurry. Too busy to think about another one of God's creatures. Always to busy thinking about themselves....sometimes we wonder why God let's these things happen and we realize afterwards instead of being weaker we become stronger because of it."

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Life is interesting to say the least. I have never been an extremely patient person but since my second miscarriage it takes very little for me to get upset. Not angry - more annoyed then anything - I don't really throw tantrums I just get easily aggravated. I made more things to send out to my BLM penpals yesterday. I hope to bring some smiles. I think my mind is weighing heavily on the fact that in 3 days it has been a month since we lost our second baby and in 11 days it would have been the due date of our first baby. Those days will not be easy but I can't imagine any day being "easy" right now.

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Strange things remind me of my pregnancy. When my husband asked me to come to the living room earlier I really had to go to the bathroom (over share sorry) and I thought "hmmm not as much as I did when I was pregnant".... When I had a diet pepsi I thought "hmm couldn't drink this if I was still pregnant".... When I look at the nice organized 2nd bedroom I think of how it would never have looked this way if we were having a baby.... and the list goes on and on. Life is interesting I wish it could be a bit more boring I guess. I have enough drama - 2 dramatic pregnancies is enough - I fear that I will always be terrified when I am pregnant... actually I know I will be. Who wouldn't be? With God's grace I hope to make it through a pregnancy or two and have some children to join me on Earth. Without His grace I would be nowhere. God has brought me through a lot but either way it all still sucks. This pain is my constant shadow. It may be less visible on the sunny days but it's there whether you can see it or not.

Goodnight my sweet babies. Mommy thought of you a lot today. Your family all loves mommy's necklace... and that's all for you my loves. All to keep you as close to mommy's heart as possible. Send me sweet dreams my angels, I need some sweetness tonight.

For once my crazy emotional body is TIRED at a normal time of night. I am going to embrace this and hopefully get more daylight hours out of tomorrow. I am going to see Selah with my Aunt, my cousin, and my sister. I look forward to it... though I will bring tissues because I know that if they sing "I will carry you" I will surely cry.

So many tears in such a short time.

I have come to the conclusion that if all the tears were collected from all the women who have suffered the loss of their babies then the world would be one big ocean.

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My birthday was July 22nd. This year we had found out I was pregnant the 19th of July and got the positive blood test results to confirm it on my actual birthday. That was a wonderful birthday present! While cleaning today I found the card my husband wrote me. When I reread it this part made me tear up: "I'm hoping and praying that our little bean pulls through this time. I want very much to have a baby with you. I know you'll be a great mommy."  I wish our little bean had pulled through too. I have never wished anything more in my entire life.

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I have learned a lot about coping with loss from reading other grieving mom's blogs and speaking to some wonderful women. I believe that talking and writing have been really helpful and will continue to be. I wish that there was some sort of support group in my area to meet other women but the only one I know of is almost an hour away. I know that this is not ridiculous distance but for me with a somewhat unreliable car at times it seems quite a drive (especially with the fabulous Western New York snowy weather coming soon enough ). It would be one thing if people actually spoke of such losses but sadly many people may never share their grief with anyone but close family. I think that many people are uncaring about miscarriage. Sometimes people are very put off by it. It's sad because there are probably many women who will never work through their grief. It is a loss that can cause people to loss faith in God, can ruin marriages, and cause emotional turmoil. I think support is a necessity and it's sad that there is not more of it readily available to people.

Many sites collect donations of grief and loss baskets for couples to take home when they have lost a baby during delivery, etc. Many of those probably point them to support groups but I still wish that I could do something to help. I would love to have people even meet at a coffee shop or a house together but again there comes the problem of how do you find out who these people are? Maybe I will have an epiphany and figure it out sometime. We shall see....

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Today a friend told me while chatting on Facebook that she was sad for my losses and that she wanted to let me know that she had a planned c-section on 9/27/10. I was glad that she told me this but it did bring tears to my eyes. This was our due date for our first baby angel. I am blessed to be able to know this and not be surprised when others mention his/her birthday when I am caught off guard. This makes me able to prepare myself. She said she knew that maybe I would think of my loss every time I saw her child but that I could hold him/her whenever I wanted to. This made me smile. I am glad that she told me and glad that she will have her little one soon even if it is on a sad day for me. I am glad that there is not another person in this world who has to experience loss and pain. I wish and pray the best for her.

I love children.

I saw my cousin's kids after I found out about my last miscarriage. It was hard not to cry in front of them. Her daughter is young and would not have noticed but her son is a handsome little genius and I knew he would ask why I was crying and that would have made me cry more. I stayed composed while around them and enjoyed the company of their cuteness and holding her son. I was afraid to lift anything when I was pregnant because I was afraid I would cause a miscarriage so I had not picked him up in awhile and usually we chase each other and I lift him up all the time.  Little did I know no matter how safe I was my second angel was going to join his/her sibling in Heaven. There was nothing I could do about that.....

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Did you ever sit and think about life? Try to understand the ins and outs of things that have happened to you? It's mind blowing to imagine all the life and death that happens every day in our world and the amount of people it effects. Can you even imagine how many people are grieving a loss right this second at the same time as you or me?We can not even fathom how many people are effected by grief and sadness every day. It's sad.  If I did not have faith in God and a true belief that His will is best for me and no matter how cliche everything DOES happen for a reason....I don't know.....I just would be a very different person. It does not take the pain away but with a belief in Him and in Heaven I know my babies are safe. I will go to bed very soon and I will kiss my sculpture - my little angel babies - on my dresser and I will try to drift off. I wake up thinking of them every morning and I know that they must visit me in my dreams though I never remember them. I don't think I have remembered a dream since I found out about my second baby grew wings.  Maybe I will wake up and remember my dreams again one day. I must not be meant to yet....

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The quote that sort of named my blog was "An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies' births. And whispered as she shut the book 'Too beautiful for Earth'". When I read my husband that he said something along the lines of I want our next baby to not be so beautiful then....I want our babies to stay on Earth.

Daddy likes to joke. We are glad you are beautiful babies and that you are happy in Heaven but we hope to get to raise your brothers and/or sisters one day. We wish we could raise you but God needed you in Heaven. That makes mommy and daddy sad, you mean the world to us. I am a mother of two because you are my children even if you are not on Earth.

"A person's a person no matter how small" - Dr. Seuss


I am off. I hope I dream sweet dreams whether I remember them or not... Dreams should be full of happy to even out the waves of sadness. I pray that is the case for tonight. "There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be." (Willy Wonka)

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“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.“ Philippians 4:4-7