Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I havn't had the words...

Words are not usually and issue for me, if anything I say too much rather than too little. It doesn't bother me, I embrace my wordiness - it's my artistic nature.... The past couple days though I have had so much to say in my head and no words or ability to type them on this blog. Why? Couldn't tell you....


I have really been working to make Heaven's Doves look much better and user friendly. I have had three additions to the gallery today which you can view here. I have enjoyed making these for these couples - people that fully understand the pain that Nate and I are suffering. I don't have many orders so those interested feel free to fill out the form and submit :) it goes right to my email (I got that for free from a website - pretty neat)! Either way I hope these pretty representations will make the couples smile and give them something to imagine in times of sorrow. Our babies in heaven feeling no pain....


I have been watching Little House on the Prairie from the beginning and sooner or later I will watch all the episodes. In the first season - I believe episode 18 - Mrs. Ingalls is pregnant. I KNEW this was not going to go well because I remember most episodes and there was never a Charles Ingalls Jr. grown up.... the smart side of me may have skipped the episode then but I had to watch it - who knows why.... She has the baby but he is not gaining weight and they go to a doctor in another town and he says the baby will not make it... then he calls Charles in and when he comes out Caroline looks at him and says "He's gone to sleep hasn't he."
WOW was that a heard sentence to hear.... I watched the Love Comes Softly series of movies when I still was pregnant and in one of the movies the baby dies and I remember thinking "This will NOT happen to me - not again" I know I had early miscarriages and it's different but they are an extremely painful loss nonetheless.


Here are some quotes from a couple Little House episodes:

"Heaven's tears - when folks in heaven get sad about things that have happened down hear they cry" (explanation of rain)

"So when the sun's out heaven's happy?"

"When heaven cries & the tears come down it makes things grow and come alive's alright to cry for your fellow man, only good can come of it."

"Always in a hurry. Too busy to think about another one of God's creatures. Always to busy thinking about themselves....sometimes we wonder why God let's these things happen and we realize afterwards instead of being weaker we become stronger because of it."


Life is interesting to say the least. I have never been an extremely patient person but since my second miscarriage it takes very little for me to get upset. Not angry - more annoyed then anything - I don't really throw tantrums I just get easily aggravated. I made more things to send out to my BLM penpals yesterday. I hope to bring some smiles. I think my mind is weighing heavily on the fact that in 3 days it has been a month since we lost our second baby and in 11 days it would have been the due date of our first baby. Those days will not be easy but I can't imagine any day being "easy" right now.


Strange things remind me of my pregnancy. When my husband asked me to come to the living room earlier I really had to go to the bathroom (over share sorry) and I thought "hmmm not as much as I did when I was pregnant".... When I had a diet pepsi I thought "hmm couldn't drink this if I was still pregnant".... When I look at the nice organized 2nd bedroom I think of how it would never have looked this way if we were having a baby.... and the list goes on and on. Life is interesting I wish it could be a bit more boring I guess. I have enough drama - 2 dramatic pregnancies is enough - I fear that I will always be terrified when I am pregnant... actually I know I will be. Who wouldn't be? With God's grace I hope to make it through a pregnancy or two and have some children to join me on Earth. Without His grace I would be nowhere. God has brought me through a lot but either way it all still sucks. This pain is my constant shadow. It may be less visible on the sunny days but it's there whether you can see it or not.

Goodnight my sweet babies. Mommy thought of you a lot today. Your family all loves mommy's necklace... and that's all for you my loves. All to keep you as close to mommy's heart as possible. Send me sweet dreams my angels, I need some sweetness tonight.

For once my crazy emotional body is TIRED at a normal time of night. I am going to embrace this and hopefully get more daylight hours out of tomorrow. I am going to see Selah with my Aunt, my cousin, and my sister. I look forward to it... though I will bring tissues because I know that if they sing "I will carry you" I will surely cry.

1 comment:

  1. Jessica, thank you for the lovely mail you sent us. It made Dave and I smile when we saw your note today. It really meant a lot to us to have Kai remembered. God bless you.


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