Wednesday, September 1, 2010

So many tears in such a short time.

I have come to the conclusion that if all the tears were collected from all the women who have suffered the loss of their babies then the world would be one big ocean.


My birthday was July 22nd. This year we had found out I was pregnant the 19th of July and got the positive blood test results to confirm it on my actual birthday. That was a wonderful birthday present! While cleaning today I found the card my husband wrote me. When I reread it this part made me tear up: "I'm hoping and praying that our little bean pulls through this time. I want very much to have a baby with you. I know you'll be a great mommy."  I wish our little bean had pulled through too. I have never wished anything more in my entire life.


I have learned a lot about coping with loss from reading other grieving mom's blogs and speaking to some wonderful women. I believe that talking and writing have been really helpful and will continue to be. I wish that there was some sort of support group in my area to meet other women but the only one I know of is almost an hour away. I know that this is not ridiculous distance but for me with a somewhat unreliable car at times it seems quite a drive (especially with the fabulous Western New York snowy weather coming soon enough ). It would be one thing if people actually spoke of such losses but sadly many people may never share their grief with anyone but close family. I think that many people are uncaring about miscarriage. Sometimes people are very put off by it. It's sad because there are probably many women who will never work through their grief. It is a loss that can cause people to loss faith in God, can ruin marriages, and cause emotional turmoil. I think support is a necessity and it's sad that there is not more of it readily available to people.

Many sites collect donations of grief and loss baskets for couples to take home when they have lost a baby during delivery, etc. Many of those probably point them to support groups but I still wish that I could do something to help. I would love to have people even meet at a coffee shop or a house together but again there comes the problem of how do you find out who these people are? Maybe I will have an epiphany and figure it out sometime. We shall see....


Today a friend told me while chatting on Facebook that she was sad for my losses and that she wanted to let me know that she had a planned c-section on 9/27/10. I was glad that she told me this but it did bring tears to my eyes. This was our due date for our first baby angel. I am blessed to be able to know this and not be surprised when others mention his/her birthday when I am caught off guard. This makes me able to prepare myself. She said she knew that maybe I would think of my loss every time I saw her child but that I could hold him/her whenever I wanted to. This made me smile. I am glad that she told me and glad that she will have her little one soon even if it is on a sad day for me. I am glad that there is not another person in this world who has to experience loss and pain. I wish and pray the best for her.

I love children.

I saw my cousin's kids after I found out about my last miscarriage. It was hard not to cry in front of them. Her daughter is young and would not have noticed but her son is a handsome little genius and I knew he would ask why I was crying and that would have made me cry more. I stayed composed while around them and enjoyed the company of their cuteness and holding her son. I was afraid to lift anything when I was pregnant because I was afraid I would cause a miscarriage so I had not picked him up in awhile and usually we chase each other and I lift him up all the time.  Little did I know no matter how safe I was my second angel was going to join his/her sibling in Heaven. There was nothing I could do about that.....


Did you ever sit and think about life? Try to understand the ins and outs of things that have happened to you? It's mind blowing to imagine all the life and death that happens every day in our world and the amount of people it effects. Can you even imagine how many people are grieving a loss right this second at the same time as you or me?We can not even fathom how many people are effected by grief and sadness every day. It's sad.  If I did not have faith in God and a true belief that His will is best for me and no matter how cliche everything DOES happen for a reason....I don't know.....I just would be a very different person. It does not take the pain away but with a belief in Him and in Heaven I know my babies are safe. I will go to bed very soon and I will kiss my sculpture - my little angel babies - on my dresser and I will try to drift off. I wake up thinking of them every morning and I know that they must visit me in my dreams though I never remember them. I don't think I have remembered a dream since I found out about my second baby grew wings.  Maybe I will wake up and remember my dreams again one day. I must not be meant to yet....


The quote that sort of named my blog was "An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies' births. And whispered as she shut the book 'Too beautiful for Earth'". When I read my husband that he said something along the lines of I want our next baby to not be so beautiful then....I want our babies to stay on Earth.

Daddy likes to joke. We are glad you are beautiful babies and that you are happy in Heaven but we hope to get to raise your brothers and/or sisters one day. We wish we could raise you but God needed you in Heaven. That makes mommy and daddy sad, you mean the world to us. I am a mother of two because you are my children even if you are not on Earth.

"A person's a person no matter how small" - Dr. Seuss

I am off. I hope I dream sweet dreams whether I remember them or not... Dreams should be full of happy to even out the waves of sadness. I pray that is the case for tonight. "There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be." (Willy Wonka)


“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.“ Philippians 4:4-7


  1. I bet if you started a local support group - either on your own or with help from a organization like Compassionate Friends, people would come. There are so many of us and it is still such a secret loss. I am so glad you are writing - there is much in your heart that needs to heal on the page and your words will touch others' hearts...the gifts of your angel babes. Hoping your dreams were/are sweet.

  2. Thanks Alana. I will look into that organization if for nothing more than ideas to get started :)


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