Wednesday, November 3, 2010

"What the heart has once known it shall never forget"


That really just says it all ya know? Those who have never experienced the loss of a child may not "get" that but it's true. No matter how early the loss or the reason for the loss or anything - the children I LOVED with all of my heart are not here with me on this green Earth! They are not here. I do not get the complete joy of holding them in my arms, watching them take their first steps, feeling their weight against my chest. This grief is mine to carry. BLMs get it they know what it's like. We all deal with our grief in our ways. Many have blogs like me, we are all wonderful people that something tragic happened too. 

I may not greatly enjoy seeing baby pictures on facebook or pregnant women in public but that doesn't mean I would ever wish this pain on any person in the world. I would never want someone to go through this ache. No one deserves it. But I am part of this land of the lost now. I will never feel complete because.... I'm not. It's as simple as that. My two children are in Heaven. Pieces of my heart went with them. I will not be whole until the day we are all in Heaven together. 

If you are not part of this sad club then you can't fully understand the emotions BLMs go through. It's impossible for you to begin to understand.  I know because before I lost Riley and Peyton I had a friend who lost her baby. I had no clue how to handle the situation. I said my "I'm sorry" offered a hug and what not and then join the crowd and basically don't mention it again. I feel bad looking back because not mentioning the grief elephant in the room doesn't make it go away and it sure doesn't make it better. But as a society we are not told how to handle such things. We are not told how to handle dead babies. The term dead being in the same sentence with the word babies is honestly probably severely upsetting to people in general. I sure don't like it but it's the way it is. BLMs often refer to us being in DBL (Dead Baby Land). It sounds harsh to people who aren't in DBL but it is not meant to be that way. It's just a fact of our lives. It's not meant to be offensive. 

I am always bothered when I tell a friend that I have a blog and met many wonderful BLMs through it, etc. More often than not I am then told by the friend "Maybe you shouldn't think about your miscarriages so much" and "This is probably just making it worse" and "You should just try to not think about it, you'll have a baby I just know it".... These miscarriages were my CHILDREN so I can't not think about that! I fell in love with Riley & Peyton the moment I knew I was pregnant so please do not patronize me and tell me to try not to think about them. If I had lost a child that had been living for years no one would say "try not to think about it" and knowing that I can try to have more children does not lessen the loss. Please realize that if you have not experienced a loss you have no idea what it's like. Don't IGNORE that someone you know has lost a child. Don't patronize them with "time will heal" and "try not to think about it" and "be happy they are in Heaven" because NONE of these words make anything better. Offer an ear, a hug, a shoulder to cry on but don't try to make us feel better. We will get used to grief's unwanted presence in our lives in our own time. 

Writing about my loss and talking about it with others does not mean I am allowing grief to rule my life. Quite the contrary I am letting my emotions out and living through this pain as transparently as one can in this day and age. I am living through this and I am carrying on. I may write on this blog for the rest of my life. And you know what - good for me! I have said before that Riley & Peyton never walked this Earth. They never lived here with me so they will live through my words, actions, and love. They will live through me because they are a part of me, as I am a part of them.  

I saw the quote I started this page out with on a youtube video for a woman named Leslie Evans. She had a complication with a pregnancy. She was having twins but the babies did not make it and sadly due to complications she also died. I read a blog her family started awhile ago. They also started a facebook page for her. She as 28 and recently married. I can't imagine what her family has gone through, what her husband has gone through. He lost his wife and his children all in a very short time.  My heart breaks for them. The blog they started for her is HERE. This is a video I watched before posting this. 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." - Revelation 21:4

Riley & Peyton mommy loves you so much. I'm sure that Leslie is up there with her beautiful twins and you are all blissfully happy every day. This makes me smile. I want nothing but smiles and love for you my babies. I will always always always wish you were with me but one day I will be complete and we will be a family in Heaven. Hug each other tight for me until I get there.


  1. You are so right...people just can't get it until they've been in the shoes of a BLM. I so wish none of us understood....

  2. What an excellent post.
    Thank you for sharing that families blog. What a story and what a terrible loss the husband has suffered.

  3. Your words "dead baby land" caught my eye and made me smile - probably only in a way another BLM will understand.

    At Acacia's year anniversary dinner in Sept. we had with my SIL, BIL and two of our closest friends, I made a comment about how I'll make dead baby jokes sometimes. Everyone else in the room, except for my husband, kind of gasped and looked, I don't know, shocked or something. My husband quickly explained that it's the two of us that "joke" together, and it's another, healthy, outlet for our grief. Everyone seemed to heave a sigh of relief and said they were feeling ready to kick someone's butt if a person was rude enough to make dead baby jokes with/at us. Made me realize that others outside of our experience really have no idea what we're going through. I *know* that, but this was another reminder.

    Anyways - that was the random thought your post made me think of! :)

  4. Everything you say here is soooo true! Thanks for posting!


  5. I couldn't agree more. There are so many people that if they haven't gone through it, they will never fully understand. And what they say doesn't make it feel any better. I think blogging is the best thing for all us BLM's. It allows us to share out feelings, emotions and to get all that out in a place where someone will completely understand. Keeping writing away!! Not a day goes by that I don't miss my two angels but they were apart of my life even though there life was short. A great post!

  6. People don't get DBL. They think it's morbid that I can just use the words "dead baby" so easily. They don't get that that's my life. I live in a world with dead babies. It's not fun it's just fact.


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