Monday, November 1, 2010

Life is full of costumes....

Halloween..... I don't really do much for Halloween I'm not one of those die hard adults totally in love with the holiday. I never really was a huge fan. I mean sure I dressed up some when I was a kid and even a bit when I was in college for parties but was never something I was fully engaged and massively excited about or anything.

Pumpkin I carved of Wario (with the face I used a stencil)
This year all I wanted to do around Halloween was go do Haunted Houses. I won tickets a couple years ago and we went to them and they were so fun. I have to admit I like to be scared - love me a good horror movie (mind you not gory gross horror movie but creepy one like Halloween or Paranormal Activity). So we went on Saturday and it was a lot of fun. It amuses me how fear has no prejudice - small people tall people heavy people or skinny there were plenty of people there that were scared. It was quite amusing. They made me jump a few times - awesome sets and awesome costumes. It was a good time. Then we went and had some dinner. And even with eating out (Outback has a lovely feature on their site that tells you the nutritional info for all their meals so I knew how many points I was eating!!) I lost 2 lbs. this week :) I have now lost 6.8 lbs. in three weeks I am pretty darn proud of myself :)


I found out on Friday that my doctor was NOT going to be able to do my HSG (dye test on my uterus) this month because all appointments were taken. This made me very mad at first until I spoke to my doctor today and he told me all the medicine he is putting me on I wouldn't be able to take until my next cycle anyways. SO tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get the prescriptions for the medicines so that when my next cycle comes in a month I can start the medicine and get the HSG done and then I'll be good to go. So given I realized that this month was going to be a no go for TTC anyways I figure I'm not losing out on any chances like I first thought I was. Thank goodness for small blessings. That calmed me down.


Halloween has me thinking how life is full of costumes.... masks that we all wear. There are those that never wish to show their feelings. Constantly wearing their creepy Joker masks with their over exaggerated smiles that never seem quite right. Others that have masks that change as the day goes on or as situations arise. Maybe happy, maybe sad, angry, or whatever may arise. I would rather someone have a changing mask - rather have a bit of honesty in the world of emotion. I'm sick of feeling like having emotion and crying or being angry means that I am weird. I have a right to be sad - I'm not in ANY way letting grief run my life! However, give a girl a break! If I have moments that are hard for me - or if any BLMs have moments that are hard - please do not patronize us with comments like "time heals all wounds" or "everything will be okay" because you know what to all you "JOKERS" out there - time will NOT heal this - this is a pain that will never go away. We will get used to grief's presence in our lives but it will not magically heal. And nothing is OKAY about losing your children. NOTHING IS OK ABOUT THAT.... sure I survived - but that does NOT make it okay. I find it sort of cryptic and odd that people think that these comments will cure any sadness. If anything they may turn sadness to anger but that is neither here nor there....sure doesn't help....


Sometimes when I am alone in the living room typing or turning the lights off to go to bed I feel as though I am not alone. Not in like a creepy sort of way. In a way that this small amount of peace is present in the room. I like to think that peace is my babies saying it's okay momma don't worry about us...have sweet dreams - we love you. It may just be the holy spirit. God's way of chilling me out sometimes before I go to sleep. giving me some peace. But I it makes me smile to think it's my babies...and I am okay with believing that. Speaking of my sweet Riley and Peyton - I have added their angel plaques to the wall with our wedding photos on it (in our living room) - our family wall.....

In conclusion I am satisfied to wear my many masks. To keep my honest emotions. I am satisfied to live my life through my grief journey bearing my pain as it comes. I have no need to wear a joker mask. Sure I may sometimes answer "good" when someone asks me how I am but I refuse to walk through life with a forced smile. That is not and has not ever been who I am. I hid my emotions through some very hard times in my past and it did nothing but make things worse. I also am trying VERY hard to not "feel bad" when I tell someone what happens and they are shocked. When they seem hurt or mad at themselves for asking, etc. I am learning that this is not my fault - someone asks I explain - I do it in a kind way I don't blurt out "I have two dead babies" or anything that horrible. But I explain my miscarriages. My babies deserve to have their story told. They are as real to me as anything else in my life. Their lives on Earth consist only of my words as their souls left this Earth far too soon. I recently ordered a butterfly baby necklace from MidnightOrange on Etsy (she also made the sculpture in my left hand column) I saw pictures today and I am looking forward to getting it. I told my husband today that it is sad to have to buy a beautiful necklace because you have two dead babies. there's nothing good about that...but nontheless I am glad that I will have the necklace. I just saw the other "feeling blue" one on her site thought I would post that picture too....

My butterfly baby necklace <3 Riley & Peyton <3
Her necklace titled "Feeling blue"

Goodnight Riley & Peyton. Thank you for helping me meet these other women who share this experience of grief with me. Thank you for giving me perspective and for making me realize how fragile life is and how much we should cherish those that we have with us on Earth. I love you both so much. Be good to each other. Take care of each other. I miss you more than my words could ever express...there are not enough tears for the pain that losing you both has brought me...but I am glad you are happy in Heaven. Glad that you have each other. Happy that I know one day I will be with you. Nothing will compare to that day. We will be a complete family. I think of you every day....thank you for your small moments of peace in the quietness... Mommy and daddy love you so much!


  1. You wrote a very honest post about so many things. I love your picture wall and your new necklace. Your babies spirits may be in the room with you, trying to give you comfort. When the doctor gives the go ahead, I pray a baby is in the future for you! (((HUGS)))

  2. Jess,
    Congrats on losing 6.8 lbs. I know that is not easy to do. I love that Riley and Peyton are a part of your family wall. That is just so perfect. I really love that necklace you ordered. It is so special that it was made just for you and it is just so beautiful. It is so cute how Riley's arm is holding Peyton. It truly captures the older sibling's relationship with the younger sibling. Riley is protecting and loving Peyton. I know that is just how it is in Heaven.

  3. I love haunted houses. Jason and I weren't feeling it this year though, just stayed in.

    I know what you mean about masks, I feel sometimes that I constantly have one on. =(

    I love her designs. I had her create one for us shortly after losing the twins. I hate that I have to add another angel to ours =*(

  4. Thank you for sharing your pictures. I love the display of your family. The necklaces are beautiful. I am sending positive thoughts and hopeful wishes your way.

  5. This was a great post Jessica. I am really impressed with your writing and with your weight loss! You go girl! I am thinking about joining weight watchers myself and you are very inspiring. The necklaces you got are beautiful as well. :)

  6. Thank you for writing this. I hate it when people say that time will heal. That is not true at all, I lost my first son in 2004 and time has not healed it, these are our children and time will not erase that.

  7. That new butterfly necklace is beautiful!!! What a great way to honor your babies :-)

    I was talking today to a friend about how to respond to someone who has experienced loss(es). I said, just hug em. Just love em. Don't say ANYTHING! There are no words that help.


  8. What a beautiful post! ! I love the new neclace! I agree on the coralation with masks. So so true!!

  9. My mask changes from moment to moment. I don't hide how I feel. If I'm sad, I'm sad. If I'm angry, I'm angry. If I'm acting like everything is fine, chances are it is. I think we need to let the emotions out and truly deal with them face to face, otherwise they fester and come out in moments when we least expect them, and not in ways that we would like.

  10. Thanks for sharing. Good stuff to think about masks, and being authentic.

    Love your family wall and your butterfly necklace!



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