|Pumpkin I carved of Wario (with the face I used a stencil)|
I found out on Friday that my doctor was NOT going to be able to do my HSG (dye test on my uterus) this month because all appointments were taken. This made me very mad at first until I spoke to my doctor today and he told me all the medicine he is putting me on I wouldn't be able to take until my next cycle anyways. SO tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get the prescriptions for the medicines so that when my next cycle comes in a month I can start the medicine and get the HSG done and then I'll be good to go. So given I realized that this month was going to be a no go for TTC anyways I figure I'm not losing out on any chances like I first thought I was. Thank goodness for small blessings. That calmed me down.
Halloween has me thinking how life is full of costumes.... masks that we all wear. There are those that never wish to show their feelings. Constantly wearing their creepy Joker masks with their over exaggerated smiles that never seem quite right. Others that have masks that change as the day goes on or as situations arise. Maybe happy, maybe sad, angry, or whatever may arise. I would rather someone have a changing mask - rather have a bit of honesty in the world of emotion. I'm sick of feeling like having emotion and crying or being angry means that I am weird. I have a right to be sad - I'm not in ANY way letting grief run my life! However, give a girl a break! If I have moments that are hard for me - or if any BLMs have moments that are hard - please do not patronize us with comments like "time heals all wounds" or "everything will be okay" because you know what to all you "JOKERS" out there - time will NOT heal this - this is a pain that will never go away. We will get used to grief's presence in our lives but it will not magically heal. And nothing is OKAY about losing your children. NOTHING IS OK ABOUT THAT.... sure I survived - but that does NOT make it okay. I find it sort of cryptic and odd that people think that these comments will cure any sadness. If anything they may turn sadness to anger but that is neither here nor there....sure doesn't help....
Sometimes when I am alone in the living room typing or turning the lights off to go to bed I feel as though I am not alone. Not in like a creepy sort of way. In a way that this small amount of peace is present in the room. I like to think that peace is my babies saying it's okay momma don't worry about us...have sweet dreams - we love you. It may just be the holy spirit. God's way of chilling me out sometimes before I go to sleep. giving me some peace. But I it makes me smile to think it's my babies...and I am okay with believing that. Speaking of my sweet Riley and Peyton - I have added their angel plaques to the wall with our wedding photos on it (in our living room) - our family wall.....
In conclusion I am satisfied to wear my many masks. To keep my honest emotions. I am satisfied to live my life through my grief journey bearing my pain as it comes. I have no need to wear a joker mask. Sure I may sometimes answer "good" when someone asks me how I am but I refuse to walk through life with a forced smile. That is not and has not ever been who I am. I hid my emotions through some very hard times in my past and it did nothing but make things worse. I also am trying VERY hard to not "feel bad" when I tell someone what happens and they are shocked. When they seem hurt or mad at themselves for asking, etc. I am learning that this is not my fault - someone asks I explain - I do it in a kind way I don't blurt out "I have two dead babies" or anything that horrible. But I explain my miscarriages. My babies deserve to have their story told. They are as real to me as anything else in my life. Their lives on Earth consist only of my words as their souls left this Earth far too soon. I recently ordered a butterfly baby necklace from MidnightOrange on Etsy (she also made the sculpture in my left hand column) I saw pictures today and I am looking forward to getting it. I told my husband today that it is sad to have to buy a beautiful necklace because you have two dead babies. there's nothing good about that...but nontheless I am glad that I will have the necklace. I just saw the other "feeling blue" one on her site thought I would post that picture too....
|My butterfly baby necklace <3 Riley & Peyton <3|
|Her necklace titled "Feeling blue"|
Goodnight Riley & Peyton. Thank you for helping me meet these other women who share this experience of grief with me. Thank you for giving me perspective and for making me realize how fragile life is and how much we should cherish those that we have with us on Earth. I love you both so much. Be good to each other. Take care of each other. I miss you more than my words could ever express...there are not enough tears for the pain that losing you both has brought me...but I am glad you are happy in Heaven. Glad that you have each other. Happy that I know one day I will be with you. Nothing will compare to that day. We will be a complete family. I think of you every day....thank you for your small moments of peace in the quietness... Mommy and daddy love you so much!