Sunday, September 19, 2010

I lived to sing another day....

So I survived singing "I will carry you" by Selah at church today. On the one month angelversary of my second baby no less! I was fighting tears all the way through the beginning of the service and I just prayed my ever living butt off that I would make it through that song without crying. God pulled me through! My voice was shakier than usual and I almost cried a couple of times but since I stared down at the words the whole time and looked at no one that DID help!!

I saw when I walked down that Nate was crying and he already knew the I was immediately going to walk out because I KNEW that I would have to cry afterwards. So we went out together and my mom was there, then my dad came out, and my sister followed. We had a lot of hugs and a lot of tears. Some other people came out and told me they didn't know how I did it and I said that I prayed a LOT! Without God that song would never have made it out of these vocal chords! I did not cry as much as I thought so I assume those tears will come either tonight or tomorrow.

After church a bunch of people came up to me and told me I did a wonderful job, shared about their losses, or asked about the Walk to Remember we are participating in... it was nice that so many people cared. I appreciated all their responses, comments, well wishes, and prayers. I am happy that I have survived another day :)

Goodnight my sweet babies. I hope you enjoyed the song I sang for you. I would have sang for you every day if you were still with me so I hope that you can hear me and feel my love when I sing for you on days like today. It makes me smile through the tears to think that those notes flew up to heaven and hugged you today, hugged you like I cannot here on Earth. That my voice enveloped you with the warmth you would have had if I had held you in my arms. 

My first child, oh how I miss you and I wish you were with me today. You may have been here by now if things had went how I expected. But God had other plans. My second sweet baby. You were my birthday miracle and it has been a month since I found out that you entered heaven. It seems like years. Sometimes I feel SO very far away from you my loves. This hole in my heart is so big and while I know the hole will seem smaller in the time to come I also know it will always be there. The same size hole because those pieces left when you left Earth. They left when I knew that you were in heaven, though safe, still not with mommy and daddy. You are in my thoughts all day, every day, and in each loving tear I shed for you please know that mommy will be okay. I know that you are safe but it will always be hard for me, to know that I will never have you with me on Earth. Hug each other tight tonight my loves. We will see you in heaven one day.


  1. WOW! I am so proud of you for singing 'I will carry you' are a strong woman! I love that song and I am so glad that you got to share that beautiful moment with your family. Sending love.

  2. That is so completely beautiful. I can't tell you how amazed I am that you did that. That is truly showing God's courage & grace. I can't even sing along to that song in my bedroom let alone church without breaking down. Jess, you are a wonderful & beautiful mommy & your babies are oh so proud of you =)

  3. Thank you for stopping by Micah's Gift and taking the time to read my story. It really means a lot to me. I am so sorry that you lost your precious children. My heart breaks for you. You mentioned possibly giving your babies names and I just wanted to tell you how much it has helped me. Giving Micah a name has given me a sense if peace that I couldn't find before. It has helped me heal more than I could have expected. I think what ever choice you make is the right choice because those are your babies and you are their mommy. I am not trying to influence you one way or the other, but if you do decide to name them I think Selah would be a great name to use. I say that because their music seems to bring you healing. Just my observation, not telling you what to do in any way. I would be glad to write your babies' names for you on the grass if you want. It doesn't have to be a traditional name it can be a nick name or a last name, anything you would like. Just let me know. Thank you again for finding me and reading Micah's story.

  4. I'm so glad you were able to share your story with everyone who heard you sing. Your honesty and courage will change many perceptions, many lives.


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