I lived to sing another day....

So I survived singing "I will carry you" by Selah at church today. On the one month angelversary of my second baby no less! I was fighting tears all the way through the beginning of the service and I just prayed my ever living butt off that I would make it through that song without crying. God pulled me through! My voice was shakier than usual and I almost cried a couple of times but since I stared down at the words the whole time and looked at no one that DID help!!

I saw when I walked down that Nate was crying and he already knew the I was immediately going to walk out because I KNEW that I would have to cry afterwards. So we went out together and my mom was there, then my dad came out, and my sister followed. We had a lot of hugs and a lot of tears. Some other people came out and told me they didn't know how I did it and I said that I prayed a LOT! Without God that song would never have made it out of these vocal chords! I did not cry as much as I thought so I assume those tears will come either tonight or tomorrow.

After church a bunch of people came up to me and told me I did a wonderful job, shared about their losses, or asked about the Walk to Remember we are participating in... it was nice that so many people cared. I appreciated all their responses, comments, well wishes, and prayers. I am happy that I have survived another day :)



Goodnight my sweet babies. I hope you enjoyed the song I sang for you. I would have sang for you every day if you were still with me so I hope that you can hear me and feel my love when I sing for you on days like today. It makes me smile through the tears to think that those notes flew up to heaven and hugged you today, hugged you like I cannot here on Earth. That my voice enveloped you with the warmth you would have had if I had held you in my arms. 

My first child, oh how I miss you and I wish you were with me today. You may have been here by now if things had went how I expected. But God had other plans. My second sweet baby. You were my birthday miracle and it has been a month since I found out that you entered heaven. It seems like years. Sometimes I feel SO very far away from you my loves. This hole in my heart is so big and while I know the hole will seem smaller in the time to come I also know it will always be there. The same size hole because those pieces left when you left Earth. They left when I knew that you were in heaven, though safe, still not with mommy and daddy. You are in my thoughts all day, every day, and in each loving tear I shed for you please know that mommy will be okay. I know that you are safe but it will always be hard for me, to know that I will never have you with me on Earth. Hug each other tight tonight my loves. We will see you in heaven one day.