Friday, February 11, 2011

The ignorance of people & Riley's angelversary

First of all I would like to say that I miss my babies dearly and I always will. No matter I lost how many ignorant people decide to impart their judgement and arrogant nonsense opinions on me I will ALWAYS remember them!

A year ago today I found out I had lost my sweet baby Riley. My life changed forever that day and I lost the naive carefree girl I once was. Such a loss adds years to your life and heaviness to your heart. Really no one can fully understand that unless they have also lost a child. I realized first hand today that even some BLMs are ignorant too.

I (as many BLMs do) started an "event" on Facebook that just asked people to remember Riley for one minute today or to light a candle if they could. I can't leave the house given I am recovering from my surgery so I thought it would be nice to have others remember Riley since I can't leave the house and do a balloon release like I would have liked to.

So I see that a "friend" and BLM that I worked with at one point and just had a baby chose to "not attend" befor getting mad about it I wrote her and said:

"Just wanted to say congratulations on your baby!
I saw you choose to NOT attend my event for my baby? All I want people to do is light a candle or even think about my child for a second on 2/11 so I don't really understand the not attending? May I ask why you did that?"

THIS was her response (that I got to read while in physical pain from surgery & overly emotional given lack of sleep and the fact that I lost Riley a year ago today):

"I don't want to be rude or anything. I know what is like to have two miscarriages, but in my opinion you need to get past it. I know you want to remember them, but don't understand why you constantly remind yourself of what happened. I guess I just cope differently. I felt better just forgetting what happened even before I was able to successfully conceive. I grieved for a few days and it was over. I felt better mentally and emotionally just putting it behind me. There is nothing I could do to change it so why keep thinking about it. It would only make me more sad.

I am also not very religious, so the nature of your event makes me uncomfortable.

I hope I didn't offend you, but I gave you my honest opinion. Please understand where I am coming from and its nothing against you.

I hope you are recovering well from your surgery, I just saw your post about that."

after responding with this:

"I figured you should understand because you had lost a child but I guess as you explained I was wrong. The was an exceptionally rude and nasty thing to say to me especially after I went through this surgery and a year after I lost my baby. Yes, you did offend me. A lot. This event has nothing to do with religion other than the fact that I believe my children are in Heaven. So I suppose it would be easy to forget my children if I thought they did not exist. If you believe they don't exist then I'm sure it was easier to get over. That is not the case for me and it makes me sad if that is the case for you.
I will recover just fine. Thank you. Good luck with your future."

Trust me when I say that is NOT what I wanted to say at first. But honestly why stoop to the level of being nasty? It wasn't worth it. Never is. I find it hilarious the vibe I got from the message where it seems like she thinks it makes her a better mom to have gotten over her losses. Absolutely insane. I don't "remind myself" of my babies because they were never forgotten. If they can't live on Earth they can at least live through my words and thoughts. And there is NOTHING bad or unhealthy about that!

Nonetheless I just had to get that out but I am in a lot of pain now so I must be off. Recovery is anything but fun especially on such a hard day. My heart is heavy.

I miss you Riley, and I always will...


  1. wow. i can't believe that. "in my opinion you need to get past it." HA. get past the death of a child?? that is so freaking absurd to me. people never cease to amaze me. you did the right thing. your reply was completely appropriate. and you did the right thing by removing them from your life. i would definitely remove anyone from my life that told me to get over Julius. she can go kick rocks!!

  2. Some people just do not get it. It is even harder when those people have been through a loss of their own and they still do not get it. Sorry to had to hear all that.

  3. ((HUGS)) I am so sorry that she said those words to you. That was very cold and like you said, she should have understood. Saying get over it and move on makes me think that she is pretty sick and heartless.

  4. That really breaks my heart for you...and honestly for her. Maybe she did deal with it like she said...but I think just not thinking about it means she has stuffed it...and emotions come out eventually. Yesterday was my 2 month miscarriage mark and it was a hard day to say the least...I dont know where I will be another 10 months from now. There are times I cant believe its been 2 months and other times it feels like time and my life as I knew it stopped. What I do know is that you are SO strong. I know it is God working through you and I think that one year later it is amazing how you are still fighting for your children in Heaven and your children to come. Im sorry this one year anniversary crossed with your painful recovery. It seems like more than anyone should have to bear. I have shared your story with others today (I hope thats OK) to be praying for you and to think about you. Much love my friend:) Melissa.

  5. I just wanted to let you know that I will most certianly take a few moments to just think about your precious Riley and also light a candle. You and both of your precious babies have been in my thoughts and prayers today. I am so sorry about what she said to you. She is SOOOO WRONG!!!! Your children are always your children no matter where they live! In my opinion you are a GREAT MOM because you love your babies and always will. They are a part of your heart and a part of your life. That to me is exactly how it should be. I love you Jess and those precious babies too. Today I am remembering Riley with you.

  6. You would think that another BLM Mom would understand and you would be safe to express your feelings with her. I'm sorry for what happened. You still have all of us who are remembering Riley with you today. (((hugs)))

  7. Jess - (((BIG HUGS)))). I'm so sorry you were hurt by this cold hearted person. How heartless & cruel some people can be! I'm proud to remember Riley's life with you. Praying for your healing and hope your pain subsides soon. xoxoxo

  8. You've been in my thoughts and heart all day. I'm sorry it's been a rough one. I'm glad you're healing from surgery. People deal with miscarriage differently. I remember being told I would forget all about my first one once I had a live baby. I didn't forget, but it did change my focus. Just remember that her words are not really about you, even though it feels like it. You and Riley and Peyton are so loved. Remember that today. xoxo

  9. This is why I don't post on facebook about my angel or my blog anymore. I just can't take the mean comments - the insensitivity. Mostly from my own relatives.

    I'm sorry you had to go through that, especially now!

    ((((hugz)))) for you and Riley

  10. That's terrible! If its not her belief and she prefers not to remember her babies than that's fine. She didn't need to reply anything to your invite, but chose to reply NOT. Seems she was clearly sending you a message - a terrible one too. I can't ever forget my baby and no amount of time will ever change that. Remembering doesn't make me sadder than I already am, but I won't deny our child's existence!! Hang in there!!!

  11. Oh sweetie, we will never understand those people. I am so glad you have this blog, and all of us, that do understand and do celebrate that Riley (and Peyton) are in Heaven. They did exist, and you will see them again. I believe that people that do not grieve their losses like your friend will have to walk that road eventually. Hope you are doing well with your surgery, I've been praying for you!

  12. Wow. I'm sorry she did that. I can't imagine why someone would tell you to jsut get over it. I'm sure it's easier for her now because she has a child (because it's easier for me now), but to judge you on that? It's not fair. Everyone grieves differently and on their own timeline.
    Thinking of your little Riley today.

  13. I am so sorry that someone had to "steal" RIley's thunder that day....If she was really against the event, she could have just ignored it. Why even add drama to the situation by giving you "advice" (if that is what they want to call it) on how to handle your grief or remembrance of YOUR child? I think you do a beautiful job of remembering your children, and helping others to remember theirs. She clearly needs a time check and if she is on my friends list please PM me so I can delete her ass too....xoxox...hope you are having a peaceful recovery

  14. Wow, she grieved for a couple of days and then got over it? wow. I don't know what else to say. I guess religion does play a part because if she doesn't believe then to her her children just no longer exist. Whereas for us our children are still very much alive and waiting for us. So sorry you had to deal with that. People like that are just easier to delete rather than trying to reason with.

  15. Wanted to let you know I thought of Riley and of you. <3

    I can't believe your so called friend. She def made it seem like her way was the best way and that's totally not true!


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