Thursday, April 19, 2012

The waiting game...

The last week or so has been rough. I'm crazy emotional and just so uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong I am THRILLED to be pregnant it's just that I want to HOLD Logan now!!! I know I will miss feeling him move inside me and I truly do cherish every movement but I'm so anxious. He is measuring ahead by 3 weeks or so and I just want him to be okay! I have no reason to think he won't be but when does anyone have reason... it still happens.

I'm not the same naive girl I was when I was pregnant with Riley. I KNOW how so many lost their babies. I know of many who's babies were fine at 39 weeks and when they went overdue they lost the baby. These stories terrify me. I do not want to lose my fourth child. I want to hold him in my arms and love him and kiss him for years to come. I want him to outlive me. To love his angel siblings. I want him here with me on Earth. Of course, I wish all my babies could be with me on Earth but I wake up every day to the reality that they can't be. But Logan can. He is still healthy and strong and I just don't want him to get so big that something happens before he can be born. He hasn't dropped yet (as of last week and I still don't think he has as of today) and as of last week there was no dilation or progress of any kind. I worry his head is too big and he may not be ABLE to drop down. If that's the case they will schedule a c-section for next friday. I wish it could be tomorrow but I will survive.

I told one of my doctor's last week that I am just very anxious after all we have been through and she said "All mom's are anxious at this point. Trust me." and I'm going well OF COURSE they are but I mean SERIOUSLY? I lost three babies - one of them being Logan's twin! I have a whole other kind of anxiety!! Most moms I'm sure are anxious about the pain of labor, when their child will be born, or about the pregnancy being over already, etc. I am anxious over my baby being born ALIVE! Most women are naive and think that once they are pregnant they are safe or at the very least once they hit 2nd trimester they are safe... most wouldn't even have it cross their minds that their baby may not be born alive into this world. So YEA I think my anxiety is a BIT different.

Again PLEASE don't curse me and my worrying and think that I don't appreciate the blessing that Logan is...I DO appreciate him - SO VERY MUCH! That is why I worry as much as I do. I have wanted to have children for as long as I can remember and I never imagined I would go through SO much to have a child. I am grateful to be at this point I just want to see this pregnancy completed with a healthy alive child in my arms! I have faith that all will be okay - without my faith I don't know where I would be right now.... but I still worry. I'm not perfect by any means...

I can't explain the past week or two but they just drag. I am so emotional for no reason really other then anxiety and worry. Don't get me wrong I don't sit around and have horrible day dreams all day I just want to know there is a completion to this pregnancy in sight. A day when I know that by that day at the latest I will meet my son! It's all just slowed down SO much.... I feel like last friday's appointment was a month ago. It's crazy to make it through 9 months, that for the most part went fast, and then have the end just seem like a lifetime. Non BLM's that I know are telling me to "enjoy these last moments of time to myself", etc. - and I'm going I have enjoyed them and I am ready to NOT have them anymore. I am ready to leave behind my "me" time and designate that time to Logan and my family. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I know I could never be fully prepared for how my life will change - but I know it will - BRING IT ON! I'll miss my sleep and my t.v. time and being able to go to a movie whenever I want or a "quick" trip to the store.... but who freaking cares!!! All that I can think of now is the day I will get to hold Logan in my arms and I know that I will never be able to imagine how wonderful it will be but I can't wait to experience it!! Maybe the next time I write it will be about Logan's birth..... <3

Latest Belly Shot (from last week)
Here's the latest picture - but it was from LAST week as I am currently 39w3d)

Belly Progression :)

Riley, Peyton, Cameron -

We love you so much and wish you were here with us, playing and laughing. We know you are happy and healthy in Heaven and I am sure Nana is having so very much fun with her great grandchildren. Hug each other tightly and give Nana so many kisses and hugs too - tell her how I wish you could all be here to meet Logan when he is born <3 I love you all so very very much it hurts my heart - send mommy love and lots of peace this week <3


  1. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Can't wait to meet your son.

  2. Hi Jessica, I follow your blog and this is the first time posting. I'm a BLM too and have a 7 month rainbow, I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there, your angels are watching over you and Logan. Can't wait until the big day. By the way love the pirate theme, so cute. Sending hugs and prayers your way Mama.

  3. Jess,
    I am praying for you and Logan and for his safe arrival into this world sooner rather than later. I do know just where you are at. I remember so very clearly being there when I was 39 weeks pregnant with Benjamin. It is so hard. If you need to talk please call me at anytime. I am always here for you. I will pray and pray and pray for little Logan to be safe in your arms very very soon. God bless you my friend.
    Lots and lots of love to you and to your babies!

  4. Praying that these next few days go fast and you soon are able to hold Logan in your arms!!

  5. I felt the exact same way with Calli. The last few weeks drug on forever. Praying for peace for you. Soon you will be crying when you gear his first cry and tears will drip on his face when you first hold him.

  6. Praying for you! Don't appologize for your feelings - they are what they are, real! These final weeks are THE! WORST!! I totally understand. Wish I was there to be a friend for you.


  7. I am hoping it will happen soon for you! I know how anxious it is towards the end!!

  8. Sending virtual hugs your way, as you trudge through these last moments and praying that you have a safe, healthy delivery!! I can't wait to see pictures of that precious baby screaming in your arms. :-)

  9. Praying for you and Logan! I can't imagine what your going through - right the intensity of anxiety is at it's max when you are so close yet-it won't subside until you meet him!!! It is so hard not being nieve to all the things that could go wrong! I love your belly pic progression- such a great idea~! Praying for progression!


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