With that said life has been rough lately. Please do not take this as me being ungrateful for my rainbow Logan because I am VERY grateful! I love him with ever fiber of my being but when you get no sleep for days on end your rope to reality becomes rather frayed.
"I am a horrible mommy" has been playing through my head like a skipping record for days now. Logan screams.... he SCREAMS and SCREAMS and for no reason. No dirty diaper, not because he's hungry, not because he needs attention.... he just screams. He's often tired... I mean you would be too if you were 6 weeks old and has 3 freaking 30 minute naps in a span of 7-8 hours! But I mean MY GOODNESS you would not believe how much and how loud he screams and he doesn't just get tired and pass out! He JUST.KEEPS. GOING! It's unreal! Yesterday was the worst. He was like this over the weekend but my husband was home. Well yesterday he worked so from 3pm on it was just me....I cried. I cried a lot because, well, it hurts my heart to not be able to help my son relax. It makes me feel like a horrible mommy.
Yes, mind you, I realize that I'm sure this is colic and it's hit it's peak of horrificness (yes I know this is not a word) and that this is not my fault.... but tell that to an over-tired woman who for 9 months dreamed of bonding with her baby. Dreamed of a screaming baby that no one could soothe until MOMMY picked him up. Well, dreams they were, that's for sure. I know this is a stage. He will "grow out of it" blah blah blah... Well you know what? I'm going insane!
Here's how yesterday worked - 3pm awake and screaming - ate - still screaming - gave him a bath (he likes those) - then more screaming - slept for 30 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - tried to play - didn't help - ate again then slept 35 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - another bath (again he likes that so he calmed down) - more screaming again - finally slept another 30 minutes... More screaming until at 11pm he goes to sleep until 2am - my husband feeds him and he fell asleep at 3 - he brings him to bed at 4am and Logan's awake again at 5am! I feed him, he falls asleep at 6 - I take him to bed at 7 he's up at 7:30... I wake my husband up at 8am and finally get to sleep from 8:30-noon. Without that last 3 1/2 hours I don't know WHAT I'd do! Thank goodness my husband works nights! Since then he has slept a 30 minute nap and was screaming in between but has been sleeping 2 hours so far laying on me. I know, I know - I should lay him in his bed - well SERIOUSLY after the time he has been having I just want the child to sleep! I feel awful!!!
So at 5am I was just miserable I figured after not sleeping all day he would HAVE to sleep at night! Not so much..... so I was just crying, just SO tired. I don't blame the poor kid, he's just a baby but I need to sleep too! And you can't very well "sleep when baby sleeps" if he only sleeps 30 minutes! Rather useless to sleep 30 minutes! Seriously wondering hoe people manage to have a bunch of kids! I can't imagine going through this with a 2 year old in the house too! Just terrifying!
Last night I was searching blogs of other BLMs who had their rainbows before me - looking for some help for the 6 week age... well apparently their babies weren't colicky because I found no help. Which just made me feel worse - the equivalent of googling an ailment - just not helpful in the least. So I am just geared up and terrified for another scream filled day. I pray that this is just a baby who really needs to poop or something like that because they say colic can last up till 4 months and I can't imagine another 5 weeks of this..... pray for my sanity. I was finally feeling like things might improve.... friends told me it gets better at 6 weeks and then all hell broke loose right when it was supposed to "get better".
When I did get my moments of sleep I actually had dreams that someone cured my screaming Logan problem... only to wake up to screaming Logan and realize it was only the warped reality of my dream where he was cured and there was still nothing I could do to help.... :*(
He's so precious to me and I hate to see him so upset! Please pray that things improve. I love the poor little dude and I just want him to be a happy little snuggly baby again!
In other news... I posted HERE about my Nana who passed away 7/15/11 from cancer. My papa is now marrying one of her (well his too I suppose) friends in August. I am really hurt by this. They started "seeing each other" 3 months after my Nana died and while I KNOW my Papa loved my Nana that just seems extreme. They were married over 50 years so yea I know he's not used to being alone but my goodness!! UGH! This just really hurts my heart and the idea of her being around on Christmas which was SUCH a huge important holiday for my Nana is just horrible to me.... when my mom told me I cried (she didn't know that) - I can't imagine how my mom is handling this okay because I certainly am not. I can't imagine her EVER being Logan's grandma! Anyways... that's just been hard....
Hubby did get a promotion though and we have been preapproved for a loan for a house that we plan to start searching for.... hopefully things will continue to improve!
Riley, Peyton, and Cameron -
Mommy and Daddy love you so much and even though your brother is a handful we wish you were all here with us. We will always miss you and love you! Please give Nana hugs and kisses we miss her dearly too!
I'm so sorry its been so hard! I had a friend whos daughter did the same thing...things were getting better until she hit 8 weeks and then she got the worst colic and would scream all day and night. Praying for you!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Jess!!! I will keep praying and praying for Logan to feel better, scream less and sleep more.
ReplyDeleteYou are a WONDERFUL mommy!!!!!! Having a new baby is just HARD! You are not doing anything wrong. Sometimes they just scream and scream and we can't fix it. I know that sucks a lot, but I PROMISE you that it does get better.
I am always here for you ANYTIME. If you need anything that I can help you with please give me a call. I love you my friend!
Love,
Mary
I just watched Logan's video. That is the sweetest thing ever!!! He is so stinkin' cute!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, I am so very sorry! Sleep deprivation is so very, very, hard (as I'm having my own experience with it). And it is totally OK to be upset and crying with all the stress and lack of sleep. I keep coming back to my belief that as BLMs, we're extra hard on ourselves as mothers. We *know* life could be much much worse without our rainbow babies, but that doesn't make parenting any easier. In fact, our guilt about it all can make it much harder. So my "advice", be gentle with yourself (I should take my own advice!). :)
ReplyDeleteAnd with the crying - in case some feedback is OK - I'm wondering if there could be a food issue for Logan. Of course I ask that because we think we're dealing with that with Allie. I'm still breastfeeding, so whatever I eat also affects her. And turns out I'm sensitive to certain foods so that also affects her. When she was 5-6 weeks old I cut out dairy and that made a big difference (but didn't fix things entirely - and it turns out dairy is one of my sensitivities). If you want to connect with me to talk more about this, stop my blog and leave me a note and I'll follow up with you. But I also understand if you're getting enough "advice" - that can be overwhelming too!
Bottom line - you're a great mama! Parenting is hard, and wonderful too. Hang in there!
XOXOXO
When I was pregnant with my rainbow, I spent so much time preparing for a loss instead of preparing for her arrival, so when she arrived thankfully safe and sound I hadnt a clue. Ive been even wingin it ever since too! I always called the doctor, dont be afraid to call the doctor with any questions, we pay them for their help and suggestions!!! You are not a bad mommy, we are all learning. Autumn is a terrible sleeper and wakes up crying most nights and sometimes I cannot comfort her enough, but it usually calms down...big hugs, go easy on you! xoxoxo Nan
ReplyDeleteDon't feel like a bad mom, we recently had a rainbow and though she went through a fussy period with crying every evening it was nothing like little Logan. With that said, our first rainbow sounds alot like him. I swear she cried almost non-stop for the first 6 months and we were so sleep deprived it took a huge toll on our marriage (thankfully all is well and the crying eventually stopped). She was so unhappy that people would often ask me if she ever smiled :( She wouldn't take a pacifier and really didn't nap much except in her swing. My lifesaver was a baby sling. I found that when she was literally attached to me she would sleep. While this was wearing on my body it did allow me some occasional quiet. Good luck and hang in there. I am living proof that you can and will get through it. And, if it makes you feel any better we've had 3 living children since her so she didn't sour us on children either :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are doing an AMAZING job!! Your patience alone is outstanding! I will pray for him to fell better and ease up with the crying. He is to cute for words. Hugs mama!
ReplyDeleteI get what you are saying. You dreamed of this time with your rainbow, but you never dreamed of just how hard it can be. And you feel guilty... guilty for not loving every second of it. I feel that way too... lots of times. Being a Mommy is beautiful! It is the best thing you could possibly do with your life. It is riveting, spiritual... and hard. It is the hardest thing you will ever do. Some days, days when my kids have drained every ounce of laughter from my soul, I have to lock myself in my room and just be. And sometimes I let those guilty feelings in, I think about how I prayed for these rainbows and swore I would never feel tired of Motherhood. But really... being a good Mommy means taking time for yourself. Let your Mommy battery recharge. It will make you an even better Mommy! And I am sure you are on top of this colic thing. It sucks! You just want to take the pain away. It will make him stronger... and sugar... you will get through this, you all will! Talk to his pediatrics Dr... check out the foods you are eating. Try laying him on a wedge pillow or letting him sleep in the swing. Maybe even try a soy formula. Hugs sugar! The video is adorable btw :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there lady. You are NOT a bad mother! You just have a baby with Cholic and yes- it is okay to admit your are tired and tired of all the screaming. I might suggest getting some help from another SAHM or family so you CAN get some rest!
ReplyDeleteOh Hun! I have the same thing with Calli! It's so very frustrating! She screamed 8 or more hours out of the day. It was an uncontrollable, red-face, unconsolable scream. I was (and still am) sleep deprived, frustrated, and just want to scream too. At two weeks we found Calli had severe reflux. If you want to talk more, email me - message4mommys@gmail.com. I'm SO SO SO sorry! I truly can relate and know just how miserable life is for you right now - especially magnified following our losses!
ReplyDeleteBless your heart!! You are NOT a bad mom... you are a MOM! Just because we have bad days or complain does NOT mean that we are ungrateful. It just means that we are tired, mommas!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I'm praying that things will get better soon and you can both get some quiet, happy bonding time. :-) Just keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel; that day when you'll be able to look back, shake your head, laugh and say, "I have no clue how I survived that!"