With that said life has been rough lately. Please do not take this as me being ungrateful for my rainbow Logan because I am VERY grateful! I love him with ever fiber of my being but when you get no sleep for days on end your rope to reality becomes rather frayed.
"I am a horrible mommy" has been playing through my head like a skipping record for days now. Logan screams.... he SCREAMS and SCREAMS and for no reason. No dirty diaper, not because he's hungry, not because he needs attention.... he just screams. He's often tired... I mean you would be too if you were 6 weeks old and has 3 freaking 30 minute naps in a span of 7-8 hours! But I mean MY GOODNESS you would not believe how much and how loud he screams and he doesn't just get tired and pass out! He JUST.KEEPS. GOING! It's unreal! Yesterday was the worst. He was like this over the weekend but my husband was home. Well yesterday he worked so from 3pm on it was just me....I cried. I cried a lot because, well, it hurts my heart to not be able to help my son relax. It makes me feel like a horrible mommy.
Yes, mind you, I realize that I'm sure this is colic and it's hit it's peak of horrificness (yes I know this is not a word) and that this is not my fault.... but tell that to an over-tired woman who for 9 months dreamed of bonding with her baby. Dreamed of a screaming baby that no one could soothe until MOMMY picked him up. Well, dreams they were, that's for sure. I know this is a stage. He will "grow out of it" blah blah blah... Well you know what? I'm going insane!
Here's how yesterday worked - 3pm awake and screaming - ate - still screaming - gave him a bath (he likes those) - then more screaming - slept for 30 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - tried to play - didn't help - ate again then slept 35 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - another bath (again he likes that so he calmed down) - more screaming again - finally slept another 30 minutes... More screaming until at 11pm he goes to sleep until 2am - my husband feeds him and he fell asleep at 3 - he brings him to bed at 4am and Logan's awake again at 5am! I feed him, he falls asleep at 6 - I take him to bed at 7 he's up at 7:30... I wake my husband up at 8am and finally get to sleep from 8:30-noon. Without that last 3 1/2 hours I don't know WHAT I'd do! Thank goodness my husband works nights! Since then he has slept a 30 minute nap and was screaming in between but has been sleeping 2 hours so far laying on me. I know, I know - I should lay him in his bed - well SERIOUSLY after the time he has been having I just want the child to sleep! I feel awful!!!
So at 5am I was just miserable I figured after not sleeping all day he would HAVE to sleep at night! Not so much..... so I was just crying, just SO tired. I don't blame the poor kid, he's just a baby but I need to sleep too! And you can't very well "sleep when baby sleeps" if he only sleeps 30 minutes! Rather useless to sleep 30 minutes! Seriously wondering hoe people manage to have a bunch of kids! I can't imagine going through this with a 2 year old in the house too! Just terrifying!
Last night I was searching blogs of other BLMs who had their rainbows before me - looking for some help for the 6 week age... well apparently their babies weren't colicky because I found no help. Which just made me feel worse - the equivalent of googling an ailment - just not helpful in the least. So I am just geared up and terrified for another scream filled day. I pray that this is just a baby who really needs to poop or something like that because they say colic can last up till 4 months and I can't imagine another 5 weeks of this..... pray for my sanity. I was finally feeling like things might improve.... friends told me it gets better at 6 weeks and then all hell broke loose right when it was supposed to "get better".
When I did get my moments of sleep I actually had dreams that someone cured my screaming Logan problem... only to wake up to screaming Logan and realize it was only the warped reality of my dream where he was cured and there was still nothing I could do to help.... :*(
He's so precious to me and I hate to see him so upset! Please pray that things improve. I love the poor little dude and I just want him to be a happy little snuggly baby again!