Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Believe in Dreams...

So I have been busy lately. With just life in general really - nothing super exciting whatsoever. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an exciting life, to be an exciting person. But at the same time I am perfectly happy being my homebody, somewhat dull self. I don't mean that to sound depressing - it's not - part of who I am is that I love to be home, on the couch vegging out or spending time out with my husband. Those are my favorite times. Though I must say if money wasn't an issue we would go out far more than we do. Thus is life...

Quick note: Check out my store! Big sale and free gift for each order made before 2/11/11 (Riley's one year angelversary)!

I subbed the past two days for Elementary Music. Crazy right? Yep - pretty much. The plans were basically impossible for me to do - because although I can sing - I am not a music teacher. So it was a fly by the seat of my pants kinda subbing moment. It's sad how often those moments occur! Then I took the same job today - apparently because I like to torture myself. The last class (before chorus) was AWFUL! And when I informed the teacher that they were LOUD he just smiled and said thank you and they all left. I was like WOW and I wonder why they don't act good - because YOU don't care! UGH! That made me mad!

SO my surgery is a week from Thursday. Time did go pretty fast. I am looking forward to getting it over with and moving on. Afterwards I can look forward to the summer when TTC will be a possibility again. I have two pre-op appointments before then. I think this is rather extensive - I mean how much is my blood going to change in 4 days? Seems silly but I have to trust that there is a logical reason behind it and it's not just to get me to waster my gas money, energy, and time. I am looking forward to Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow I had planned to stay in but it seems the weather would make me anyways. WE are supposed to get about 16 inches where I live tomorrow. Oh what fun. SO as long as the roads are passable by Thursday morning I will be a happy girl. All the schools in the area pretty much are already closed and it hasn't even started to snow yet. I have to say I am proud of WNY for being proactive - they are often anything but - let's hope this isn't an excuse for them to not plow the roads in a timely manner. There are some that will have to go to work so I hope for their sake that the roads are well managed.

Thursday is my first meeting with my Face2Face group  at 9am so that is why I need the roads to be good :) I am looking forward to meeting the two ladies in my group and just talk ya know? It's sad to meet people who share similar sad circumstances but at the same time - why go through it alone? There are FAR too many people in this world that "ignore" their losses or "pretend they never happened" - people who won't talk about it. And I have to say that sooner or later (most likely) that will eat them up inside. The book I have been reading "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb (who's other two books I LOVED in high school) just threw a WHOLE LOTTA baby loss at me. I read these parts of the book while subbing, with a class in the room (they were watching a movie for class) and I was shocked that I handled it so well. It gave me hope that maybe these moments in books and movies won't rip me apart for the rest of my lives - it is far more likely that I was just having a strong day. Honestly seeing the pregnant art teacher talking about her due date in the lunch room was far more upsetting.

I am looking forward to Friday with Nate SO much! As I mentioned above we can't often afford to go out and have date nights and what not like I would like so I am cherish our all day excursion. The one downfall to the day is my pre-op blood work (NOT a fan of needles). However other than that it will be a fabulous day. We are getting up early (by early I mean like 8 or 9 LOL (I like to go to bed very late and sleep till like 11am - I am weird. Anyways we are going to bowl two games and see if Kinect has improved our bowling skills - I'm not gonna hold my breathe LOL ;) then we are going to grab some lunch (I have a coupon YEA) and then paint some pottery (it's the art teacher in me - I love it) This place lets you paint it there and then they fire it and you can come back and pick it up! :) Then blood work, a trip to Best Buy (we have gift cards we may use), movie (I am thinking Sanctum), and a nice dinner out at Red Lobster (which I hope will include an amazing Pina Colada)! It will be a fun outing before surgery and recovery and all.

As a last note I would like to add that after going to my parents to do laundry after an EXHAUSTING day of quieting elementary music students... my dad told me a package had some for me. This is odd given I have not lived there for the last 2 1/2 yrs. since I got married... I open it and I am still confused until I see something that says G.oogle. Then I'm like OOOOHHHH I think I know what this is. NO WAY! And I was right - they sent me a free G.oogle chrome laptop! I had filled out a survey I'd say a month or two ago for one. Answered questions and if I was chosen they would send me a laptop to keep for free and I just write to them if I have problems or suggestions with the computer and the operating system! VERY COOL! I would include pics but I am far to tired and lazy currently. I apologize for spelling errors and such but this computer is weird to get used to and what not so bear with me ;)

Anyways I am off to watch a show before bed - I have been fighting sleep for awhile now but I will soon welcome it with open arms. On that note I am praying for no sad dreams. The other day I had a dream that I had a stillborn baby girl and that I was so upset but two hours later we realized the doctors were wrong and she WAS alive. In the dream I remember loving her, holding her, playing with her, I awoke with a smile on my face to realize - of course - this never happened - it was a cruel trick my mind played on me. I am glad I had to work that day because otherwise the dream may have overtook my day - may have made it quite unbearable. SO I pray that dream or others like it will not enter my mind tonight or ever again....I pray my dream of a living child will be reality sooner rather than later - but I know it is all in God's time - not my own...

"Believe in dreams
You love so much
Let the passion of your heart
Make them real
And tell
All the ones you love
Anything and everything you feel

Laugh about the past
And secretly
Wish we could go back
And save the child..." - Flyleaf "Believe in Dreams"

Riley & Peyton momma loves you so much! How I wish I could wake and find that losing you was all some cruel dream. That I could wake up and have never lost you. That neither of you had ever died.That my body had never killed you. That this stupid septum in my uterus never existed. That the last year was all just a horrible nightmare. Sadly I know this will never happen but I also know that I will wish that for the rest of my life until the day I hold you in my arms up in Heaven. I carry you in my heart my loves. In my words. In my voice.In every way except in my arms where you should be... I love you more than I could have ever imagined. So little, so loved. Thank you for making me strong and keep sending me those peaceful moments when I just know you are here with me. Thank you my sweet babies. Thank you.... I love you SO very much! 


  1. Enjoy your date day. Your surgery will be over before you know it - I can't believe it's next week already! Big hugs as you get through all this. xo

  2. I hope you were able to get together with your Face2Face group. And enjoy the date!

  3. I hope you were able to get out on the date with your husband. The storms this week have shut down so much of the country. If you don't make it out tonight, I hope you can tomorrow night.

    Woohoo on the laptop! How cool is that?!

    Less than a week and the surgery will be behind you. I hope and pray that is all you need to sustain a pregnancy. I am praying for you.


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