Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Surgery....septum resection scheduled...

Well what can I say I am an emotional wreck today. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It all started with a simple voice message on my phone when I woke up. My surgery is Feb. 10th NOT in Jan. like my doctor told me it could be. I'm not happy about it but if the last year taught me anything it's that I have no freaking control over this aspect of my life AT ALL. And you know what? That really freaking makes me mad! I have learned now that when my doctor thinks something should be able to fit in a month I should just ASSUME it will not be until the following month. He obviously has no idea how booked he is or how many vacation days he takes (which all OF COURSE coincide with when I need a procedure).

When I needed my HSG it should have been in Oct. but he was on vacation, another doctor was on vacation, and the third on in the practice was booked. So the HSG was scheduled for the following month with one of the other docs in the practice because again he was on vacation. So I ask why this surgery can't be in Jan. and she tells me two Thurs. he is on vacation and the others are booked (I shouldn't have asked - hearing more 'vacations' after hearing the same thing since Sept. just made me mad). He is a great doctor mind you he has been very proactive with everything which I love and he has done TONS of septate uterus resections. But I wish he'd stop taking his freaking vacations when I need crap done! GRRR!

So now I have to wait out the next month to get this surgery done. I am NOT looking forward to it at all - specifically the recovery. I posted something in the group I am in on yahoo (with other women who have uterus abnormalities of different types) about the surgery. From the sounds of it the first week sucks. They put carbon dioxide into your body and when the surgery is over there is a build up of gar until the gar absorbs into your body - SO - your entire right side can be in a lot of pain - FUN wow - NOT! Well the doctors all tell you after a week you should be better but it sounds like that recovery time varies GREATLY. One women even said it took her a month to feel better! GEESH! So needless to say I am nervous and I wish I had LESS time to be nervous! Much less time! Oh well...

I just get so overwhelmed! I HATE having no control and I HATE not knowing how anything will go and I HATE that even in the far future if I get a positive pregnancy test I will STILL be worried that I will have a miscarriage. I hate that even if we could try again I would be judged because of job issues and money issues and people thinking we can't afford to have a child. I hate that in the future when I am pregnant again (God willing) that I will STILL worry that people will judge me because ya know what? We will probably not be financially stable for awhile but that isn't going to stop me from having a baby! And why should it? Why can't the people in my life believe that if God wants us to have a baby and He gives us a baby on this Earth then He will also help us PROVIDE for that baby. I wish those people would HAVE SOME FAITH IN THAT!!

I hate that I will literally have to wait until April or maybe even May (essentially half a year almost) to TTC again a whole freaking 9 MONTHS from when I lost Peyton to TTC again! Man that sucks. I mean I am happy that we found out I have a septum and that it can be fixed and all of that PLEASE realize that I am blessed to know this... but the fact that Riley's due date has passed and Riley's angel date with pass and Peyton's due date will all pass before we can try again - well it's just so sad.

When I was in high school I thought I would be married and have 2 kids by the time I was 30. Obviously not going to happen. I'll be 30 in July and if we can't TTC until April or May obviously no child is possible before I'm 30. So anyways when I got married right before turning 27 I was still thinking we would have one child before I was 30 (again obviously not going to happen). Now I just want to have a baby SO badly - I wish I could feel confident that when I was pregnant that I would definitely have a living child on this Earth. I'm glad I am not naive and that I's not one of those women that thinks that loss will never happen to them. I am glad I am not that but I still want a baby and waiting so long to even try is just so hard. Sure I'll get used to it - but just like getting used to grief - I don't have to LIKE it!

There are FAR too many people I know IRL who are pregnant! While I am happy for them and OF COURSE wish no ill will on them or their little ones I have decided that Facebook is evil and I want to kill statuses every time I see them. Needless to say those people are hidden from my wall so that the evil that is Facebook will not throw their baby updates in front of my sensitive eyes! Well I didn't hide one of these people until recently... she said (sorry if this friend reads my blog but this upset me) "So many people are pregnant" and how cool that was and that 5 of her friends from church were all pregnant and that there must be a baby bug in the air.... HA! Wasn't THAT fun to read! NOPE it sucked! I just have this selfish fear that everyone I know will be pregnant before I will be. I know it may sound mean to those that are not BLMs but to those that are...I think you get it. It's not that I wish sadness on others or loss I just want babies!

I don't have a whole lot of positivity in me at this hour but I will add what small bit of positivity I have bled out of today...

Not being able to TTC for awhile gives me time to lose weight and get my body healthier.
The surgery (even pushed later) is at a time where I will have time to recover before I throw my sister's wedding shower a month later.
Thank goodness I work in a day to day job of subbing right now - if I had a regular job I would be worried about recovery time and what not.

These lyrics hit me the other day... I have to realize that maybe my prayers NOT being answered are really the best...

Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Here's a link to a Youtube video of the song if you've never heard it: Unanswered Prayers

Also this made me smile - thanks to Trena for listing something from the site - it helped me find this I hope I someday have it in my's not expensive - but money is tight these days.

I hope there is someone - whether it be angel, family, or friend that embraces my Riley & Peyton everyday for me!

If you read this whole post I love you and I thank you.....

Riley & Peyton I miss you an extra amount today... my heart is heavy from missing you. I think of you always and love you more than I can ever express... Love, Mommy

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.  - Isaiah 54:4


  1. Jess,
    I am so sorry that you have to wait yet again. I would be very angry too. We are all here for you though. I am sorry that there are people that judge you. They have no right and have no idea what it is like to lose both of your children in the same year. I assure you that you will never be judged by me. I can't even imagine what it is like to walk in your shoes and I am a BLM. All I know is that I am here for you and pray every day that you get your rainbow soon. I am praying that your surgery goes really well and that you heal super quick. Hang in there and God bless you.

  2. The waiting is hard. I remember when I got the new that they recommend I wait at least 9 months (I had a classical c-section). I remember being devastated and thinking that it sounded like forever. It's been almost 7 months now and I of course just wish Mikayla was here, but I am hopeful that when we are able to start trying again God will show us His plan. Remember that by getting this septum taken care of, you are doing all YOU can control to give your other babies the best chance. It's frustrating that its all you have control over, and hard to trust I know. I pray that good things are in store for you this year. =)

  3. Hey Sweetie, I hear all the hurt & I wish I could give you more than a virtual ((((hug)))) but that'll have to do for now =)
    I remember the waiting game, although my reasons were different than yours, I genuinely HATED waiting. It was so difficult, I honestly came to a point where I believed it was possible God was giving me no more babies & that my last experiences with pregnancy were terrible. And then BAM, pregnant. I look back now & see God growing me in that time of waiting & it was terribly hard to live in that waiting. I understand how your feeling & I'm praying for you. I'm praying for all your Rainbows & coming alongside you in faith for their provision. Love you!!

  4. Jess, I'm sorry that your doctor mislead you about being able to schedule your surgery in January. I wish I had advice on how to make the time pass more quickly.

  5. That sucks that you have to wait so long! I'm not an expert, but I did have a C-section where they also pumped some gas into me. I didn't really understand what was going on and people kept telling me to make sure I got that gas out. Eventually I asked some questions. The key is to walk. No matter how painful, if you walk around, the gas will get out and you'll feel better. I hope your recovery will be one of the quick ones!

  6. I hate the whole waiting game. I'm sorry that things are pushed back a little further! I'm also sorry to hear you have to be surrounded by all of that on FB. After Liv died, I nearly hid half my FB friends. In fact, they're still hidden. The careless things said by those that think they're safe from loss still get at me, so I try to stay away.

    Here's hoping the next month flies by so you can be one step closer to TTC again. :)

  7. ((hugs)) i'm so sorry. you have every reason to be frustrated. and your feelings are very valid. i do hope that this month passes quickly for you and there are no more hold ups that get in the way of your surgery. i'm sending you lots of love.

  8. I'm so sorry it got pushed back. When you said it would be in Jan...I was so excited for you. Its got to be so frustrating that you cant get it done because the Dr is on vacatio having a great time while you're waiting to try and have baby!! I am also praying for the recovery and that it won't be as terrible as it could be.

  9. I remember when I booked my surgery to determine if I had endo, I was mad it was 6 weeks out too. It was two months of lost cycles, which in the moment seems like so much. The time between now and the surgery will go quickly though. Just you watch.

    I wish I could give you a heads up on the recovery, but they did so much work during my laparoscopy I was in for a long recovery regardless. I am not sure how much if it was due to septum removal versus endo and appendix removal. I just hope that you recovery quickly and are back on your feet before you know it. Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised at your pain tolerance level like I was after mine.

    Thinking of you,


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