Wednesday, September 29, 2010

a hard journey....

Be warned - this is a long one - but it tells a lot about me - so I would love it if you read it....

I wasn't even planning on blogging tonight (shocking I know!), I actually went to bed the same time as my husband. I have had a headache pretty much from the time I woke up. Fabulous AF has returned for the first time since my D & C and I feel like crap. My body feels like it's falling apart, like it's waging a war. I'm crampy and my head hurts and I'm tired yet when I laid down I could not fall asleep.... so I decided to read "I will carry you" by Angie Smith which I started a couple weeks ago after buying it at a Selah concert. I finished it tonight it is an amazing, amazing book! I highly recommend this book to ANY and EVERY baby loss momma. Angie is so heartfelt and honest about her entire grief journey. She shares about her faith and her struggle with it at times while suffering the loss of her daughter Audry. If you have read my blog previously you have read and/or heard about me singing the song "I will carry you" by Selah this is also title Audry's song - it is about their daughter. About carrying her even after they knew she would not live. It is an amazing song. An amazing book.

I have felt a bit numb today. It's surreal how I can be in such pain and disbelief and yet the world still turns, the seasons still change, life carries on. I carry on too, a changed woman. I will never be the same person I was before losing Riley and Peyton. I am forever changed. No matter how many people out there can say to "just move on" or "better to forget it ever happened" even the people that try that will be changed forever. If you don't talk about death it doesn't take away that it occurred. Those that try to ignore or forget that their child died are just as much a part of dead baby land as any baby loss momma. None of us are WILLING participants. No one would ever CHOOSE this agony for themselves or for anyone they knew.

I laid in bed the other night trying to fall asleep in vain and just kept thinking... "This is NOT my life, this is not my life, this is not my life" like some crazed version of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz except....guess what? She got to go home - it WAS all a dream for her.... but this IS my life. This is my grief, my weight to bear. Instead of the weight of a child in my arms or laying against my chest I bear the weight of my grief and ever present loss.


In Angie's book she says that we should repeat that to ourselves and those reading this that have not experienced such loss should repeat it too. DO NOT RUSH GRIEF! Listen to someone if they are on this sad journey. Try your best to not offer cliche responses such as "it happened for a reason" or "it wasn't meant to be" or "your baby is in heaven" - I know all of these things.... do they make me feel "better"? Do they "take away my pain"? Not a bit.

I am a Christian. I think that I have stated that in many posts and I have spoken of how I have not lost faith in God many times. I never will. God's will is not my own. Am I angry about it sometimes? Heck yes I am! Most of the time it makes me angry to be honest. But I still know that God's got my back. I pray constantly that He will grant us children here on earth....

We all have our hurdles in life. I had one big hurdle before the loss of Riley and Peyton. I suffered from depression for 8 years. I used to cut myself - used to cause myself pain physically by cutting myself so that the deep aching sadness in my mind would be overpowered. Not many people even knew that back then. It was over 8 years ago now. I have never had to deal with those feelings since then at all but I can remember it all the same . They were dark years. I never tried to kill myself or anything like that. It was much like grieving at times... I was downright balling sometimes and others I could smile and laugh. Though my depression came out of nowhere there was NO reason for it. It seemed like one day I woke up and I hated my life - I was depressed for no reason. That was the worst part. How do you get over something that there is no reason for? But I did. I got over it. I have my scars and 8 years of muddled memories as a reminder. But I am on the other side of that depression.

Without God who knows where I would be. Would I still be in that darkness? It's possible. It took a long time to understand WHY ON EARTH I had to go through that! Why from my freshman year in high school until my junior year in college did I have to suffer through that? Well, because I could help others.... I spoke about my struggle with cutting and depression to my church's youth group. It was known that there were at least a few  in the group that were also suffering with it. Most likely there were probably more that no one had any idea about. I hope it helped them in some way. Cutting is much like miscarriage in that it is exceptionally taboo in our society. People would have thought I was a complete freak if they knew I did that in high school. They still would nowadays. It is completely and TOTALLY impossible to understand WHY someone would do that to themselves... UNLESS you have been there yourself. No one wants to talk about it. They will hide it all they can. Why? Because no one wants to be a freak - no one wants to be different - no one wants to be judged.

Sound familiar?

I think for those exact reasons SOME people will do all they can to ignore, "forget", pretend, and not acknowledge that they EVER lost a child. No one wants to be the odd duck. The one at the lunch table all by themselves. The person that everyone is afraid to talk to because they have no idea what to say. A member of the pity party. Well you know what? I am that person. And if talking about my babies makes me odd or different then so be it because you know what? RILEY AND PEYTON ARE MY BABIES! They always will be! I will ALWAYS talk about them - I will ALWAYS love them - and I will forever miss them until I meet them one day in heaven. I am the only voice they have. Those that do not want to hear about my babies or acknowledge that my loss was real should move on without me in their lives. They have changed MY world forever, my HEART forever. my LIFE forever. I will do whatever small part I can to change the WORLD in whatever small way I can for my babies. They did not die in vain. I will make my art, speak my faith, and tell their story until the day I breathe my last breath. I survived one 8 year hurdle and I will survive these life long hurdles. Riley and Peyton have made me a better person. What a huge impact they have made in such a short time. 16 weeks between the two of them and my life is forever changed. I am forever blessed that I can see that. FOREVER BLESSED.

I found out today that two couples I know are pregnant. I am happy for them, don't get me wrong, but it's hard. It's a weight on my chest. Takes my breath away to hear that others get the joy I am longing for. I know "my time will come" but watching others time come isn't the most fun in the universe. I wish them the best and pray that they will have happy uneventful pregnancies. But 2 days after a baby being born on Riley's due date to hear of more pregnancies is just more weight. It's a struggle. It's a HARD journey....

God get me through this! Help me to love you and others through my sadness! Be with me through these days and bring peace to my heavy heart tonight Lord. My body is weary but my heavy heart won't let me rest. Take this weight away and give me sweet dreams this night. Amen.

Riley and Peyton mommy loves you! Did you know that you changed me forever? Did you know that I did not even need to hold you or see you for you to forever impact my heart and life? You are my tiny forever blessings. My permanent reminders that you have made me a better, stronger person.  Thank you for that my loves. I am forever thankful that God let me carry you even for such a short time. Thankful that when I breathe my last breath on earth one day I will immediately be joined in heaven with my babies. Oh what a day of rejoicing that will be!

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20

If you read this entire post - I love you and thank you for walking with me on this journey. Each and EVERY one of you mean so very much to me. Please at least leave a small comment even just a :) so I know that you read this.... it would mean a lot.


  1. Angie has a blog, too :) Not sure if you knew or not... It's called Bring the Rain (I think that's what it's called, i stumbled upon it one day blog surfing)
    -Danille :)

  2. Hearing about other's pregnancies is so rough. I had to really work through my jealousy. I wanted to be happy for them, but I really needed to get through my pain first. I hope you found out about them in a way that made it easier for you.

  3. Thanks Danielle - I do know I follow her blog :)

  4. Jessica, This is a beautiful post. So honest and I feel that some of your words might have come right out of my head. :) I loved the reference to Dorothy, I have had that same conversation with myself too many times to count. Thinking that I may wake up to find that this was all some horrible nightmare. Alas, I keep waking up in this!

    I loved the book, I Will Carry You...what an amazing book and an amazing family.

    Thank you so much for the gift in the mail today. That was so thoughtful of you. It meant so much to me and my husband, really, I can't imagine walking this journey without my BLMs.

    Thinking of you and your babies. I walk with you, my friend. Sending love .

  5. I can't help but cry whenever I hear Selah's "I Will Carry You." You're a brave person, singing the song in front of a lot of people in church. It was a good way to let them know the extent of your grief for your little ones, Riley and Peyton. Much love and hugs to you, Jessica. :)

  6. I find so much strength in your ability to share your struggle with depression. Your positivity and determination to honor your babies is amazing. Both your faith and art will help so many baby loss mommies who may not know where to turn to or how to deal with their grief. When I was thrown into this life without Drew, I felt so lost. Your commitment to your faith and your expression as an artist is inspirational. You are a wonderful mother to your precious angels. Thinking of you and sending you hugs <3

  7. Oh, Jessica, thank you so much for sharing more of you on here! When you say... " if talking about my babies makes me odd or different then so be it because you know what? RILEY AND PEYTON ARE MY BABIES! They always will be!" I totally connect with this!

    Early pregnancy loss is just that, loss :-( And it hurts, and it changes us, and those babies were just as real as any other!

    ((hugz)) thanks for sharing!

  8. Jessica,

    We have so much in common, that I find it really scary in some ways. I too cut myself throughout high school. I was on antidepressants for 8 years and only got off of them about three years ago. I feel that we were meant to find each other, in some sad way. I hate what we have gone through, but I admire your courage to speak openly and honestly about your grief. It takes a lot of strength to make it through that numbness, the shock of it all. I wish I understood why we are not meant to by mommies to earth bound babies yet. But one day, I think that you and I will get to share in that joy as we have shared in this sadness. I feel it.
    Big hugs,

  9. Jess,
    What you say makes so much sense. Micah has forever changed me too. I am a better, stronger person than I was before Micah. Micah taught me to fully trust God. Of course I already knew that, but I didn't know how to FULLY give EVERYTHING to Him. After losing Micah, I can honestly say that I now have turned EVERYTHING over to Him and FULLY trust Him. That is a big thing and the greatest gift my baby could have possibly given me. I will be forever grateful to Micah for that. So I fully understand that your babies have changed who you are. Sorry to go off on my own thing, you just really got me thinking. I am glad that you share the importance of Riley and Peyton's lives because they are so very important. They deserve to be remembered and loved and that is exactly what thier mommy is doing for them.

    I myself have not battled depression or cutting, but my little sister does. Thank you for this post because while I have NEVER judged her, I also never fully understood WHY she was cutting herself. I new that it was because of the depression, but I didn't know that it was to cause physical pain that would overpower the emotional pain. Thank you for helping me better understand my baby sister. She has gone through so much and I want to help her anyway that I can.

    Knowing you is such a blessing to me. I am so glad that our babies got together to get us together. It's just another thing I thank them for. I hope you have a blessed day:)


  10. Completely beautiful & well said Jessica. Someone asked me if I ever think of Isaac & Hannah anymore, my response was "EVERY SINGLE DAY"
    I thank God for blessing me with those wonderful children of mine & my heart is crushed that I have to wait to see their beautiful faces again. But what a wonderful day that will be! Holding Isaac's hand in mine & Hannah's in the other as we all run into Jesus arms.
    Your friendship means so much to me, I'm glad God brought us together. Glad to know Isaac, Hannah, Peyton, & Riley are havin such a wonderful time together <3

  11. Such a beautiful and heartfelt post. I think that you are a brave woman and from one angel's mom to've inspired me.

    Now following from Creme de la Creme.

  12. Found this post from the Creme de la Creme. You have written such a beautiful memorial for your two angels. I think you are 100% right not to let the world tell you to forget, move on, pretend things were different. May you find and hold on to peace while walking this path. x

  13. Here from the Creme de la Creme. Your words speak to me so deeply right now. I, too, have struggled with depression (although not cutting). I think I can see the parallels you draw, but I haven't been there.

    I am very quiet about my losses. I want to talk about them, but mostly people say something, anything, to shut me up. It leaves me feeling very alone and disheartened. It has always been hard for me to out myself when I know that something about me is different. I really admire your strength in speaking out so openly. I hope that someday I will be strong enough to add my voice to yours in a more public way.


Copyright ©2011 Small Bird Studios| All Rights Reserved |Free Blog Templates at Small Bird Studios