Friday, December 17, 2010


I pretty consistently feel totally, completely, utterly misunderstood. Before I lost Riley & Peyton, far before the worst year I have had in my 29 years I felt this way. Many many many times. I have gone through a lot in life. A lot that people probably misunderstood in the first place. For instance people don't "get" depression. I went through that for a horrible 7 years or so. All of high school and a majority of my college years. I remember my cousin looking at me and asking me why I don't just "get over it" - I wanted to strangle her. I was like OH YEA why didn't I ever think of THAT! How dumb. People are like that with child loss too - that think we should get over it, move on, have more kids - like it's possible to get over and like having a child will make the loss any less horrible. People are stupid. Plain and simple.

I have a very sarcastic personality. I don't really spout out my sarcasm at people until they know me however even people that do know me don't like it (my sis for instance). Those that GET my sarcasm are usually ALSO sarcastic and they get it - they get it's a JOKE and we laugh and carry on. I swear to you that people (those that don't understand) look at me like I'm this huge jerk. I just stand there and think the person I am actually TALKING to is laughing so mind your business! I feel like because of my personality I have to constantly explain myself. It's ridiculous and annoying. I don't ask you to change your personality don't ask me to change mine. If you don't like me then move along...


I mentioned to a new friend in an email who recently lost her sweet angel that I feel like when I look in the mirror all I can see is my loss. All I see behind my eyes is pain. I feel like this year has added many years to my life. I feel much older than 29 most days. I think suffering this sort of pain added a reality to my world that I wish I never knew. A reality filled with far too much fear and sadness. Far too many unanswered questions and what if's that I never thought I would have to question ever in my life let alone at this stage in my life. I mentioned to her that I thought if I were to place two photos next to each other of a before and after baby loss it would be so obvious which happened when. I was right. I can tell very much which picture is which. Makeup doesn't cover it up, nothing can all makeup does is add color to chaos. I think I look much older, tired, sad, and that genuine smile and that happy gleam in my eye is gone. I think my eyes look sort of lifeless.

It's like I can look into my eyes and SEE my pain. SEE that part of me is gone. The "old me" is only present in the gleam of my eye. Like a far away memory. That "me" seems so long ago. So PAST. So forever gone and at the same time I can't believe it's been 10 months since my first loss - 10 months since Riley left us and 4 since Peyton left. Some days are good - most I feel like a shell of my former self. Like invasion of the body snatchers. To others I may look the same. Maybe even sound and act the same sometimes. But deep down I know that I am the not the "me" I once was. I part of myself during that first ultrasound. The first time I heard there was "no heartbeat" and somehow a large majority of me survived after that. I did society's thing - didn't grieve - didn't talk - moved on with life - until I heard "no heartbeat" the second time around. That day, all alone in that SAME d*mn ultrasound room I lost the rest of the old me. That naive hope was gone forever, never to return. At that moment as I balled my eyes out and gasped for air while some women I had met twice in my life starred at me in pity - at that moment I grieved both my babies.

The difference makes me cry. The before picture was taken on Christmas last year. I wonder what it will look like to put that picture next to this year's picture? I never would have thought I could age so much in such a short time..


Today I went to a young adults group get together (a group at our church). I don't go often - as I have said before on a post I believe  - I feel far too old for the age group. It's 18-30ish well there are far more on the younger spectrum and I feel out of place. Today was okay but again I felt out of pla I feel like I have to insert myself into conversations and given my husband wasn't there either it made it a little more uncomfortable. There was a girl there quite a few years younger than me (probably she was 25) with her baby and she has two other children who were not there. It was sort of a slap in the face, as are all pregnant women and babies on some days. I find myself far more uncomfortable when I am not expecting to see a baby. I just sat there fidgeting with my bracelet and necklace (both which are for Riley & Peyton. I literally had to fight back tears thinking this is what I have of them. This is how I carry them...weightless jewelry filled with so much meaning. It was almost too much to take. I survived. I am here to tell the story but still wounded from the experience.


I've been told that I am so strong and it so unbelievable that I was able to survive this horrible loss twice. I agree I am strong, we all are, all BLMs are so far beyond strong it's unexplainable our strength. We all never thought we would survive I am sure but we did we made it through and we will be making it through our whole lives. You don't get over this sort of pain, you deal with it, you become used to it, you live THROUGH it but you never get OVER it. This is not something any of have a choice in... we were thrown into this misery, forced to gain this strength. This is my life.


I have my MRI scheduled for the Tuesday after Christmas. My cousin's husband is the technician and apparently you get the results very quickly. As long as I know before my next period that is all that matters. IF it is tissue like I am hoping and praying then they can get on birth control and do the surgery next month. If it's not tissue then they won't do anything either way. I have never wanted anything more in my life (except kids of course) then to have this be TISSUE! I am hoping and praying for it with every fiber in my being. I will of course fill you in on the matter once I know more.


Thanks for reading. Check out my next post I am doing a giveaway :)


"It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it."- Eleanor Roosevelt

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life." -Virginia Woolf  


  1. I am so sorry that you're feeling down girlie! I'll be praying you have a good Christmas and great results filled with tissue as you bring in the new year! ;-)


  2. You know what? I could have written that post myself. All those things you write about yourself, that's me too.

    If I put six photos of me next to each other (2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 and now 2010), I don't think anyone would believe that they were of the same person. And, guess what? They're not of the same person.

    The first would be of a single woman, professional, high successful, on the point of meeting her husband.

    The second would be of a mother who had lost her first child. A much loved daughter.

    The third would be of a woman hopeful with her second pregnancy.

    The fourth would be of a bitter, angry and sad woman who had lost her second child.

    The fifth would be of an overweight, bitter, angry woman who had lost her third child.

    And the sixth, that would be this year, is of a depressed, desperate, pessimistic, sarcastic, angry woman.

    Doesn't life just suck.

  3. Oh I get that feeling all the time, that people misunderstand me. I too battle depression, have since high school. My own BIL told me that he just doesn't see it because I'm "happy" when I'm around the family. I said to him, I'm very good at faking it.

    My husband has the same type of sarcastic personality and I love it about him. I get it, and it's hilarious and I wouldn't change it for anything. I can't stand the people who don't get it. It's like geez people ... lighten up and take a damn joke already. Ugh.

    I will be thinking about you for your appointment and will continue hoping its good news.


  4. Oh Jessica!! How I know how you feel!!!

    I hope everything goes just the way you want it.. I will be thinking about you...

  5. Infertility is much the same way. People say the same types of things and think the same types of things about infertiles. We are expected to just give up our dreams and move on with our lives to make the rest of the world comfortable. Because no one wants to be made uncomfortable by other people's struggles. Its easier to pretend things like loss and infertility don't happen. (I completely disagree, by the way). The only people who feel that way are people who have not been affected by it. Oh to be ignorant and naive. Given the choice between being them or me, I am glad I'm me. It's weird to say that, but the level of compassion I have gained and the person I am now makes it worth it. Yeah, it sucks to be infertile and to have to fight to get pregnant all of the d@mn time, but I know I have come out better on the other side for the most part.

    The big things my infertility have robbed me of are hope and innocence, and sometimes that is really hard. I have gotten to the point where I am no longer surprised when my infertility gives me a big old punch in the eye again. I've become callused on that front. I guess we do what we have to to make it through the difficult things in life.

  6. I have had so much healing being able to email with you! Im sorry you have to explain yourself to everyone...doesn't that just suck? I know what you mean about the "old you". Sometimes I miss the old me so much...and sometimes I just want to slap her and tell her she is so naive and stupid! I too feel so much older in my looks. Like crying so fiercly for weeks has just aged me, you know? I pray you find the beauty in your "new face". You are strong in ways you never wanted to be. You are helping so many people by talking and shining light on this issue! God bless you for reaching out to others.
    I am also so anxious for your MRI!! I want it to be tissue so badly too!! Hope you get better and can spend Christmas with your family:)


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